19 year-old who doesn’t have motivation to get a job
Posted by Double-Tradition413@reddit | Xennials | View on Reddit | 114 comments
I have a 19 year old who lives with a coparent. When he spent time with us, he got his first job at 18 years old, but then the other parent threatened to sell his car that he was holding onto for him if he didn’t come back and live with his him.
Dad’s house is a paradise. Incredible gaming room with huge flat screen TV. Amazing desktop gaming set up. this was very intentional. It was always a competition for my ex to make his house the most fun place to be for my .
There has always been little to no expectations to help around the house.
They pay gas and they pay insurance. There always seems to be money for new hobbies for my child.
When he’s with us, I have always focused on parenting him in a way that gives him strength and confidence.
I do not hand things to him. He has to earn them. Because of this, he has experience putting insulation into the floors of the house, demolition on the kitchen, sanding, drywall, and painting because we’re remodeling an old house we bought.
When he had his first job, he never missed a day and was never late. He started out as a dishwasher And they ended up moving him up to line cook Within two months. He was walking taller and more confident.
He’s back with his dad and step mom And he hasn’t worked since. He’s finishing up a quarter of community college, without much focus or direction on what to do
I have seen my friend’s kids just stagnate in the households where the parent was passive. One of my friends has a 20-year-old who’s never had a job. I know of the circumstance in other households as well.
It’s just made me wonder what happens to these kids if they just don’t try this early in life?
It was so different for us. We were all smoking cigarettes and drinking beer so we had to have money for that. I’m grateful he’s not doing that, But I see now that it gave us this odd motivation in life to always be out and to always be earning money. We were always looking for the next thing.
Again, glad he’s not smoking and drinking.
But everyone I knew got a job By 16 years old. Just nobody questioned it.
I’m just wondering, is anybody else seeing this in their own kids? And have you seen the outcome for a young person who’s just so well taken care of in their early adult years that they have no motivation To become an adult?
Gibby_Jabby@reddit
I mean if I had a choice, fuck work!
Double-Tradition413@reddit (OP)
It sounds like you need to be adopted by a divorced dad who is competing for your approval and affection with material things and a Laza fair attitude about you living off him.
Good luck to you! I wish you the best!
Just make sure he’s wealthy enough to be able to offer you a trust fund because that is where my son is going wrong.
henningknows@reddit
I would push him to finish up school. If when he is at your house he is doing manual labor and when he is at dad’s house he is having fun with expensive toys, you aren’t winning that battle. He is going to be at dad’s house.
Double-Tradition413@reddit (OP)
I hate that you are so right. I just never wanted to give into that kind of game because it felt like it was just gonna make him a terrible person if I tried to compete to be the fun parent.
He’s always been paid for the manual labor. But I think you’re right about that.
He started his associates degree in high school. I always push for the academics. So he’s just finishing that up this quarter.
I really don’t want him to take more college unless he absolutely knows what he wants to do because the cost. Our generation learned the hard way about going to college to find yourself the debt that that can incur.
fionacielo@reddit
community college is what got me into a great business school and I had ZERO idea what I wanted to do. I only chose business since it seemed most practical earnings wise plus financial statement knowledge, but I was a stripper going to community college with a 3.8 GPA and ended up running C-Suite meetings and making mid 6 figures. give him some credit
Double-Tradition413@reddit (OP)
Sounds like I need to give you some credit. I hope he finds his way and it’s the direction he wants to go and he can make a living at it.
But hats off to you!
That said, I completely agree, but community college can lead to good things.
When I was in 5 feet of Kappa, the president of the club had been accepted to Harvard from the community college I was in.
It’s all about direction motivation. So we’ll see.
spaltavian@reddit
You have overlearned this lesson. Going to an expensive school for a degree that won't help in the job market is a bad idea. You, however, are going way overboard and saying he shouldn't go to more community college until he "absolutely" know what wants to do. He's 19, he won't and can't know that.
You're doing the same thing our parents did - getting tunnel vision around something that happened to you in your formative years and insisting that's the only viable path.
Double-Tradition413@reddit (OP)
I think that’s an interesting point. Something for me to think on.
Rubik842@reddit
Mine finished school right when covid hit. Paid for a correspondence business administration course to pass the time. Generically useful stuff. They ended up working in a cafe. It's bad pay but they are careful with their money.
Me, I was pushed to university by everyone. I went trades. I wanted to work with my hands and mind. I'm so glad I did.
Golden_Enby@reddit
What's wrong with gap years? When I was 18, I wanted to work instead of going to college right away. I wanted to earn my own money and save. I wanted to taste a bit of freedom. Mom wouldn't allow it, though, because I was still on her insurance plan, which required dependants to be in college and maintain grades. I hated being pushed into something I really didn't want to do. I was able to quit college after getting on my employer's insurance plan. I had no idea what I wanted to do in life, so college money my mother was begrudgingly spending on me was being wasted on general education courses.
I personally think kids should be allowed to choose not to go to college right outta high school if they're unsure of what career path they want. They can get a job, save up, do research on various career choices, and see what they like. Even a year or two gap will put them at 19 or 20 when they start college, which is extremely young.
We only have one life to live. Adulthood is already filled with crap we don't want to do and actively hate. Obligations are one thing, but we all should teach younger generations to take things slower than we did. Pacing ourselves would've done us a lot of good back then. The whole boomer mentality of pulling yourself up by your boot straps while ignoring our health and wellbeing is why so many boomers and those of us who were raised by them are so chronically stressed, depressed, anxious, cranky, and ill. At least some of us Xennials have come out of it with a decent amount of empathy, critical thinking skills, and a willingness to not end up like our folks. Break the cycle, as they say. Let your kid make their own mistakes and choices. They're an adult now. Protecting them is fine, but you have to loosen up on the reigns. Making all the choices for them is how you'll end up being on the receiving end of a kid who wants to go no/limited contact with you. The old "you'll thank me later" rhetoric often doesn't apply, especially when you limit freedom to an unhealthy degree.
Rubik842@reddit
Gap year when you don't have a job, in a single income family? Gap year here means travelling and 'finding yourself' surfing etc. So our definitions aren't exactly the same.
We have free public healthcare but also have private insurance for extras like dental and to jump queues. Up until last year they were still able to be on my insurance. That kind of pressure you had was totally unfair
During 2020 was not a good year for travel. I was having to quarantine for a week before going to work and staying there for three weeks because we were an essential service and couldn't afford to have an outbreak at work where we are 12h from a hospital. So the whole family had to stay in the house for a week.
Everyone's circumstances are different. Absolutely do it if you're wealthy enough and/or have a job to feed yourself. The reason we paid for such a generic course for them was to build skills while waiting for the world to settle down. They didn't know if they wanted to go into tertiary study or what to do.
My wife and I don't have university education. We're both blue collar with white collar multiple-degree siblings. I was pushed hard into University but resisted. I remember my school begging me to sit the tertiary entrance exams anyway to bring the school average up. I did a couple of the math ones and bailed out on the rest.
Now it's 2026 and they are manager of a big cafe. Still deciding if/what they want to do at university. Saved enough money to go on a world trip or buy a nice car outright. or fund their university degree with minimal extra work.
They are still living with us our housing affordability is among tge worst in the world, they have adjusted well from dependent to housemate mode. We don't charge them rent or a portion of bills. We can afford not to. My wife and I were quite poor when we were their age, and we don't want them to have tge extra burden of car loans etc. That compound interest really holds you back and steals from your future.
I probably got way off topic with this rambling. I hope it helps someone, or passes the time during a poop at least.
boogs34@reddit
Manual labor is less likely to get replaced by most things at school. You are doing it right as is imo. Try to explain to him the importance of these skills and work experiences (and to not be a spoiled little worthless bitch.)
You need the child to be an adult not your friend
Good luck. I think you’re doing it right but just need to persevere
Double-Tradition413@reddit (OP)
Lol. I love how our generation talks! I would never say it to him like that, but that is exactly it.
This world takes strength. We need to know how to do things.
I’m not going to compete for him though. That’s ridiculous. It’s not what it’s about.
Jonestown_Juice@reddit
If he's into girls, emphasize how much girls value these sorts of things in a man- being handy around the house, being able to fix the car, earning a living, etc.
Thinkthru@reddit
For real. I see so many parents raising entitled pricks so your post is very refreshing.You're raising him to be a good member of society and someone who will be able to take care of himself after you are gone.
makinbaconpancakes42@reddit
What does your son actually like? You talk about teaching him to drywall and do labor around the house - does he enjoy that? Is he remotely interested or shown any inclination to be interested in a trade?
You mention he was academic and did early associate degree courses in high school… In what? Art? Math? Science? English? Doing university for the sake of it is pointless. I’d expect at this stage he’s indicated a subject or area he likes… it might not being something YOU like or see much value in, but try not to let that judgement come out. People will pursue what they like and are passionate about, and can often turn that into marketable skills.
Earning for the sake of earning and doing something you hate that still doesn’t even pay enough to make rent… like no wonder he doesn’t show much interest in that. Is there something he LIKES though? Wants to get better at, and could transition into something? Most ppl don’t mind doing a job they don’t love for a while, so long as there’s something on the horizon they can see themselves working toward.
henningknows@reddit
He will find his way.
Double-Tradition413@reddit (OP)
I appreciate your words, Internet, stranger. I didn’t realize I needed to read that until I read it.
snuffy_smith_@reddit
I didn’t finish college till I was 35
Even waiting that long I do not use my degree. But I got it for two reasons and only one matters to me for real
Because I wanted to finish it, and rub it in a hateful family members face that the dumb one in the family got through college on his own debt free
My children were watching me, I wanted them to know it’s never too late to improve your life or even change directions completely.
I got my first job at 11yrs old. Never didn’t have a job after that point.
Never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up except a professional bullrider. I did that, now what.
Hell idk I’m 47 and I still want to be 10,000 things.
Mostly I don’t want to be homeless. So I have worked my whole life.
I also learned I am a HORRIBLE employee. So I had to make my own job and work for myself.
All this to say…he might figure it out. He might not. But whatever he does you can’t control it. You can advise him, and help him after he makes mistakes. But you can’t force him no matter what you do.
henningknows@reddit
I didn’t get a real job until I was 31 due to a disability. I’m fine now. He is only 19, he has plenty of time
HomerSectual@reddit
Ok, but he’s 19 not 9. He wants to live at the chill parent’s house. Let dad live with the fall out of completely infantilizing your son. It’s tough for sure, but he’s an adult now and he’s gotta figure this out for himself. You did the best you could. Dad offered the easier, softer option. The consequences are theirs to suffer.
Double-Tradition413@reddit (OP)
I think there’s a lot of truth to what you’re here. This is definitely been a time of letting go.
Pinklady777@reddit
Have you talked to the other parent about your concerns? Maybe they could require your son to to at least be in school or working part-time. Because you are right to have these concerns. But like the other person said, your ex is an adult and so is your a kid at this point. You don't have a lot of control over the situation.
witblacktype@reddit
Honestly, I came from a privileged upbringing but under poorly co-parenting divorced parents. Neither of them could or wanted to give me any sort of direction in life. I lucked out and was approached by my manager at work when I was 18 and taking community college classes part time. She asked me if I wanted to get on track for management. I told her I needed to think about that. I was off the next day and went to every military recruiting office because I couldn’t imagine working there for the rest of my life (even though it would have been a financially good life and I would be financially further ahead than I am now). I decided to join the Army. This was 2003 with the Global War on Terror campaigns encompassing two ground wars in foreign countries.
Given the guidance I received at home, I’m convinced I still made the right decision. Had I been given more guidance at home from either parent, I probably could have done more with my life. For reasons I won’t elaborate on, my mother was incapable of doing that (sort of like your ex husband), and my father was pushed so hard by his parents, I think he was fearful to repeat the mistakes of his father.
My best advice from my own experience would be to just talk to him. The world is a cruel and brutal place. Be honest with him about that. Explain that his education now will give him an advantage in a world where the deck is stacked against all working people. He is old enough to understand. Let’s say he goes into accounting, gets a job as an accountant, then realizes he hates it at age 30. He will have so many more opportunities to change career to something he is passionate about than if he stagnates where he currently is. On top of it, he will be financially secure to pursue his passion if he wants to take that risk.
drewbaccaAWD@reddit
Warn him about your concerns, the lack of focus and the building of debt. But that's really all you can do.
As for working a menial job with inconsistent hours, there's really no point if he doesn't have to and it's ultimately just a distraction from school. I'd be less worried about the lack of a job and more worried about what he's wasting his free time on.
But again, all you can do is talk to him as an adult and explain your concerns and try to make him aware of things. Once he has that degree in hand, and it's time to convince someone to hire him, what skills and experience is he going to have to show to make him competitive against other applicants? He doesn't need to have a job to put together a brag sheet, but he should at least be trying to gain experience as an intern or a volunteer or wherever he can find it. You've got to convince him of the merit of this, and you probably need to be tricky and make him think it was his own idea rather than something being pushed on him.
SuedeVeil@reddit
Tbh you may think oh he's gonna hate me if I make him work but imo hes going to FEEL accomplished learning new skills that matter. Is he going to want to do that when he's sitting at home playing video games? Absolutely not.. he'll try to avoid you . But after he's done doing the work that you set out for him and learning new skills and earning $ ? He's going to feel a heck of a lot better as a boy turning into adulthood than just doing leisure activities.. I have a 19 year old son who yes often slacks off and doesn't want to do things when his games are calling.. but always feels better when he accomplishes things that help him advance as a human. He's accutely aware he's getting older .. he doesn't feel good sort of failing to "launch" your son despite the complaints will appreciate what you encourage him to do. If not verbally he will feel it.
Mr_Kittlesworth@reddit
Counterpoint: drinking as a teenager is good, actually.
astromono@reddit
If I could game all day and not have a job I'd do it in a heartbeat.
DraculasDog@reddit
I don’t want a job either.
cashews_clay15@reddit
GOD do I relate. Mine is younger, but his dad competes to give him more expensive stuff, have the cool house, etc. he doesn’t check the messages from our son’s teachers or look at canvas to see he has tests to study for - only I do that. He doesn’t get him to help with cleaning, cooking, or anything else like I’ve been teaching him here. It’s infuriating.
WanderingNNT@reddit
Are you me? In the exact same situation and it's so frustrating.
Double-Tradition413@reddit (OP)
I have finally gotten to the point where it’s not infuriating anymore because after a few failures, he is finishing his associates degree.
I made myself crazy when he was younger though. And that’s craziness is why he’s gotten so far I think.
I maintain calm now though. I’m just observing at this stage and working to give him advisement on possibilities for his future.
I know there are just some things. I don’t have control over though. There were choices I made years ago that set this plan in motion.
WanderingNNT@reddit
Thank you for sharing this. I'm in the exact same situation with my 17 year old son and have been at an utter loss on what to do.
Lesbian_Skeletons@reddit
This has to be a troll post. Word word number username, hidden post history, then you have this:
Just on the off chance that this isn't a troll, do you really have no idea what the job market is like right now? People with Masters degrees can't find work. You don't have to dig very deep to find plenty of experienced professionals who have been applying for months, or years, to postings for jobs that don't exist because there's no law against a company making a fake job listing to "show investors that they're growing".
I think this post is fake as hell. I refuse to believe somebody from our generation could possibly look around and think things are even remotely close to how it was when we were 16.
adx@reddit
There's a big difference between a 16 year old looking for a part-time gig and a professional not finding work. There are still plenty of small gigs for teenagers to work if they speak up. Just from what my kid and their friends are doing; working in grocery stores, life guarding for the summer, assisting in sports leagues, working at summer arts venues, etc.
Lesbian_Skeletons@reddit
There's also a big difference between a 16 year old looking for a part-time gig and what OP seemed to be describing for a 19-year old. That said, good for your kids but it's not what I've heard from friends and colleagues. Hotels have always been solid seasonal work for older teens and young adults, now they're competing with people closer to 30 than 16, and I don't see that getting better anytime soon.
body_by_monsanto@reddit
I’m 7 years older than my brother, and I witnessed something similar with him when he was that age. It was really annoying at the time, however my brother figured himself out eventually. He was really stubborn and entitled, and I think that real world experience sorted him out quickly. He is now successful, driven and is self-employed with a family. I’m not a parent, but it could be just one of those things that will sort itself out.
PatchworkGirl82@reddit
One reason I'm sad video stores are gone, is because that was the perfect high school job. I worked at for 4 years and I learned more useful skills there than at school.
adx@reddit
Everyone should be required to take a gap year after high school where they work in a service job. The world would be a much better place.
Kiethblacklion@reddit
I worked at a video store after graduating high school. I was there almost 2 years, started only two nights a week, ended up working 6 days a week, closing on Fridays, open to close on Saturdays, opening on Sundays...that job taught me so many skills that I still use today.
I'm a receptionist/admin assistant and the customer service skills that I learned while behind the counter at that video store taught me how to talk to people when they call, how to solve problems without being able to just go grab a manager, how to do the nightly cash deposits (one of my current job tasks is prepping donation deposits)...I don't think people ever gave those low paying, high school-esque jobs enough credit for what they could teach young workers.
Vivid-Individual5968@reddit
Whale_wheels@reddit
“Hi, welcome to Blockbuster!”
- me, 4 days a week, about 32 years ago
ghoster32111@reddit
Same
jennifer_m13@reddit
Same
PhoneJazz@reddit
This new generation out of school is cooked. They don’t see any hope- wages are too low, rent is too unaffordable, so their philosophy is, why try?
Pammiepamm@reddit
This is absolutely the mindset of my 19 year old son and his entire friend group.
RainbowUnicorn0228@reddit
I mean….are they wrong? Cuz it really seems like they are screwed. AI is working on taking over as many job as it possibly can, even jobs we thought could not be easily automated like driving, cleaning, costumer service, and more. In a few more years we could all be out of work and they won’t have enough money saved to keep themselves alive despite working now. Why should they try? Why should they suffer now instead of having fun before the shit hits the fan? I can’t say that I wouldn’t do the same in their shoes.
We are lucky to be middle aged. We won’t likely be alive when it all comes crashing down. We will struggle some but most of us will be ok. They are not as lucky. They will have to endure end stage capitalism, and it won’t be good.
ConLawHero@reddit
Yes, they are wrong. It's a teenager's view of life, for which they have virtually no experience. There's a reason we don't listen to teenagers on major things.
Double-Tradition413@reddit (OP)
I feel like as a parent, it’s my responsibility to always keep hope for my kids and to never ever let them give up.
We had a conversation tonight about how well contractors are doing in my community right now.
There are some things that AI can’t take over. Another comment or made that point and I think it’s a good one.
I definitely have my moments alone where I look at the future and have deep concerns.
But when it comes to him, I feel like I could never look at it in such a defeated way.
I totally understand why young people are feeling that way though.
PocketGachnar@reddit
On top of that, they've grown up gazing into the dopamine-button nightmare rectangle. I think of all the things I wanted at 18-20 and they were so small and simple, because that was really all I knew. Cigarettes. Car. Movie ticket. New boots. My own place. But all the 19yo's I know want professional gaming careers, to be influencers or whatever. Their dreams are so big, but even worse, also so intangible. They're online algorithms have been filtering personalities at the top and that's the hustle they're built to want to emulate. Unfortunately, part of that hustle is to keep the cost, work, and baked-in privilege of it hidden.
dallyan@reddit
I dunno. OP had her kid literally put in drywall and did things like sanding and painting. That's not nothing. It sounds like the kid is studying at community college. I'm not seeing the huge problem here? He's clearly got a work ethic and now he's in school.
OreoSoupIsBest@reddit
I have an 18 year old getting ready to graduate in two weeks. I have been concerned about this exact thing for a few years based on decisions she has been making. I have made it VERY clear that, when she graduates she has four choices: get a job, go to school, join the military or get an apprenticeship.
She lives with mom and, living in mom's basement rotting away is not one of the choices. I let her know that, unless she does one of those things, daddy's money will be gone. That seemed to kick her into gear and she started applying for schools and jobs.
triplealpha@reddit
Your husband is raising a boy - not a man
Double-Tradition413@reddit (OP)
He’s trying to anyway. My hope is that what my husband and I have instilled in him will come through in the big picture.
I do not disagree with your statement.
darkiya@reddit
Stop focusing on him having a low tier job and on him being self sufficient.
Does he want a relationship? He's in a grace period of youth right now to have freedom to make mistakes but nobody wants a partner that has to be babied. He needs a career path and to work toward independence.
JackBlackBowserSlaps@reddit
He’ll probably end up like my sister, almost 40, still living at home, handful of short lasting jobs over that timeframe.
Double-Tradition413@reddit (OP)
I am sorry to hear about that for her. That is really scary.
Taking a bunch of the perspectives that I read on this post, I’ve actually had a good conversation with him last night so I’m feeling more optimistic.
I hope your sister ends up ok. This economy does not support us being dependent.
JackBlackBowserSlaps@reddit
Thank you for your kindness. I doubt she will be, once my parents pass, but that is no longer my concern. I hope your son ends up ok. He is young, still lots of time to get it, and sounds like you are doing a good job :)
conradelvis@reddit
Ask your parents why they ruined the economy and made it pointless to work
Double-Tradition413@reddit (OP)
There’s a lot to unpack in your comment. I know I could just ignore it, but I feel like it’s worth addressing.
I just wanna acknowledge how painful that must feel to feel that way. There is always hope though. Keep looking for the things in life that caused you to feel joy. Do not give up on finding work that connects you to those things.
If you can’t find that work that does that for you, look for volunteer work that you can do even a couple hours a week and something that you like and that moves you.
But don’t ever give up. You are not gonna get any argument for me on what has been done to our economy.
But don’t ever give up on yourself and on your life. There is good work out there for you.
Also remember this is where our economy is now. Our nation is learning a very difficult lesson and we do not know what the future will bring.
Petraaki@reddit
I had a job over spring break when I was 16 that I bailed on, then nothing until I was 18, and then I worked some kids camps in the summers while I went to college, and occasional odd jobs when they came up, but no "real" steady job.
My folks gave me monthly allowances into a bank account in high school, but I was expected to use that for shopping, hot lunch, clothes, movies, shoes, etc.. All my spending money was in that allowance, but I was good at saving, so I never really worked (aside from the house chores that were the deal for the allowance).
My folks paid for dorms for two years, and then helped me pay for an apartment with a buddy for the second two years of college. I didn't have a full time long term job until I graduated. I then worked mostly random non-career jobs for around 10 years, then went back for a second undergrad blew through 8 years of graduate schools to the pinnacle degree in my field, and now have a very respectable career and position.
There's a million paths, and some of them are easier with more support, not less. The kids are alright.
Double-Tradition413@reddit (OP)
Last night when I posted this, it was just kind of on a whim to see if I could get some additional perspectives.
I appreciate this perspective, as well as a lot of others on here. Thank you.
thorsbeardexpress@reddit
Sounds like you used him for free help with your renovation, did you pay him?
Double-Tradition413@reddit (OP)
Oh, it was absolutely not free! He made an hourly wage. When he started the work, he was unemployed, but he chose to continue even after he got the job so he could save his wages from his job for something he wanted to save up for it.
thorsbeardexpress@reddit
I take it back, good on you
CookieNo310@reddit
Maybe now might be the time to meet him at his level. If he's into gaming, and you can afford to do so, do something with him related to that. No pressures, just a fun day. Not to compete. It should have nothing to do with the other parent. You said he was taking college courses in high school. I'd say that's already put him ahead of most of his peers and this might be the first time in your kid's life they feel they can take a break. My son is in his early 20s and one thing we have to reconcile with is they are going to make choices whether you agree or not. You can encourage them to make the right decision. But at the end of the day, it's their decision to make. We were all stubborn as shit at that age. We thought we had it all figured out too. Time to let him fly.
iolmao@reddit
What motivated me when I was 17: "Mom, I'd like to have a MiniDisc Player" "Find a job this summer and buy it yourself"
I've got a MiniDisc eventually and I was happy but nothing will give me back all the summers without my friends because I was working.
So, you 19yo will find a job sooner or later but a happy life is worth much more than a solid career.
bloodpriestt@reddit
This is reason #9,087 I’m glad I didn’t have kids.
My best friends boys are 19 & 21 and thriving working in trades. Neither went to college and make almost as much as their Dad. I don’t think either of them give a shit about video games to take that fwiw.
supergooduser@reddit
I'm just thinking back to that age and what would've motivated me. Money is one thing doesn't have to be a career but it was a great way to meet girls.
Ok_Degree3037@reddit
As someone who has worked in factories and corp offices both are important. He needs both skills but making him go shovel snow for dollars isn’t going to make him like shoveling snow. He needs to be motivated and i would suggest doing something you can do together. Refinish a game room. Fix up a fun car (old jeep, etc). Patch, sand, and paint a small boat. Being motivated to do something is more attractive than being shiftless.
Sensitive_Pianist777@reddit
Too late. Plus OP seems a little dysfunctional and not really committed to their child.
Sensitive_Pianist777@reddit
Mann being broke back then sucked! People have just too much money nowadays.
Sensitive_Pianist777@reddit
Well, in today's age, parents who divorce leads to kids just distracting themselves with electronics and getting lazy.
They are bitter.
At least before, we had real life to get excited about.
Now there is also more money than ever for parents. So kids get spoiled easier.
Don't mean to offend but it also seems you don't take responsibility for your oneself and impact on your child. Just come across as blaming everyone but yourself.
AccomplishedTear7531@reddit
I can't seem to get my kids (16, 18, and 20) to get jobs at all. I've tried it all. Sitting with them an applying. Driving around and making them go in. Filling out applications for them. It's rougher than I care to admit out there, but also my kids don't have any hustle at all. I never wanted to be home growing up. I had a fine house, but I just wanted to be out on my own. I don't see that in my kids.
I'd be happy for some suggestions about how to get them jobs when they really don't want to work. I think that's what has prevented them from finally getting hired.
Mediocre-Cobbler5744@reddit
If I were 19 right now, there is no way I'm getting a job. In this economy, work is for suckers.
VVrayth@reddit
From what you describe, it sounds like Dad is coddling him in a pretty irresponsible way, and frankly sabotaging your efforts.
Seems like your son is an adult who can make his own decisions, but the longer he goes without getting any real world experience, the harder it's going to get for him.
alett146@reddit
Had my first job at 14 (summer camp counselor/group leader). I don’t understand kids these days who don’t have jobs. I suppose I’ll never be able to relate to that.
elsie78@reddit
You're going to have to let him fall. It may not be right away, but in afew years when dad's expectations change. He'll have to step up then.
imtooldforthishison@reddit
My 20 year old smokes all the weed but gets up and goes to work everyday. 50 hours a week, 16,000 steps a day. Don't bag on the smokers, if he worked in a kitchen, he was definitely getting high. That being said, if he doesn't have to work why would he? His other parent allows for that and that is where he lives. If he isn't willing to listen and learn, thats a problem he is creating for himself. He'll figure it out or he won't.
Fine_Caterpillar_280@reddit
My incentive to work as a young teenage was to be able to buy myself things because otherwise I wouldn’t have things. If someone was just giving me everything I wanted without expectations… I would have for sure went that route that your son is & likely had little to no drive to get out there and get working.
For what it’s worth, I think it has already and is helping shape who he is by the experiences you already gave him & try to continue to give him. Even if it doesn’t seem like it right now, I bet it will shine through when it needs to. All our paths are different.
TheGillos@reddit
Oh no. He's not contributing to late-stage capitalism. /s
Entry-level work is gone now, or soon, with AI and robots.
If he's going to work, he'd better be creative and find a good niche. The traditional crap (including a student loan and post-secondary school) isn't going to cut it.
Massive-Chip-6951@reddit
“Our” kid
Miami_Mice2087@reddit
yta
hutch01@reddit
He isn’t hungry enough. Swap hungry with hurting for things he considers wants or needs.
Fickle_Wrangler_7439@reddit
I mean it sounds like his dad gives him everything he wants and needs.
Barring that, the kid needs to want independence. If he doesn't care about that, there's not much you can do.
seche314@reddit
Yep. Independence will be the key motivator. It’s great to be at dad’s house, but is that where he wants to bring girls (boys) back to? Does he want to stay there indefinitely as his friends are moving out on their own? Surely not
Fickle_Wrangler_7439@reddit
Kids don't date like they used to.
A lot of my coworkers kids are in their 20s and have never dated.
seche314@reddit
Weird. Both of mine have and do. It was a primary motivator for both of them. My oldest let his gf move in with him, which I’m not thrilled about, but whatever, his life
monkeysknowledge@reddit
There’s book called “The Courage to be Disliked” that I’ve almost finished. It’s a dialogue between a “youth” and a “philosopher”. The philosopher is steeped in Adlerian psychology and the youth brings up a similar situation.
Adlerian psychology was created by Alfred Adler who was a contemporary of Freud and Jung. He would say that you are interfering with your son’s task. It is his task to go out, find a job and be responsible. His father is also interfering with this task but that’s not your task. You should make it clear to your son that you love him and when/if he needs help figuring out how to be a responsible adult you’re happy to help him. But you must not interfere with his tasks - unless he explicitly asks for it.
nobearable@reddit
I second this book.
I have a couple of the passages with a sticky note as reminder because watching your kid set themselves up for so much pain later on in life is so friggin hard. The other parent isn't helping, but ultimately, it's the kid's responsibility for the choices he makes in life, and the consequences that will come.
Chapter: How to Separate Tasks, pg 122
Sending you all the strength right now, this is hard.
Double-Tradition413@reddit (OP)
Oooh. I will have to look into that. It sounds very interesting.
Figuring out the boundary with my children is always a delicate dance. I do believe that sometimes they have to fail to learn.
But I will check that out.
catsoncrack420@reddit
Single dad and yeah I sent thru this with my ex and daughter when I got custody, as well as the DCS visitations for 2 years and constant lies. You're doing the right thing. Our job is to create good people in our kids. Teach them to survive the world , cook , clean, change a light bulb , that's a circuit breaker, buy stuff on sale and do stuff that they genuinely don't like, that's good parenting. And always explain and have talks. I'm in NYC so we take walks with no phones, Sundays in the park and pizza. Those are the moments they will remember, and you.
most_triumphant_yeah@reddit
Connect whatever he’s studying in college to potential internships and careers. Save the links and leads and plan time each week to go through and talk about them, not with pressure to make an immediate decision, but to help narrow them down into something that’s connected to his interests and doable. When you find one worth pursuing, help him set up a plan and connect meeting those goals to any incentives. Don’t make him help remodel your house.
Double-Tradition413@reddit (OP)
I didn’t make him. I paid him too. I just wasn’t gonna hand him money. He had to earn it.
WasteOfBerries@reddit
I was kind of like this, when I was 17-19.
I liked the material stuff and the lack of pressure/control/oversight/whatever from the other parent, at first. It was like living with a friend!
A fair-weather friend.
And obviously it's not responsible parenting but as kids we aren't capable of understanding that.
Here's a proper 90s comparison, from times when I lived with each side (teenage years):
- I called my real parent(s) late at night and asked them to pick me up from a town 80km away: they came to get me and I was yelled at all the way home
- I called my FWF-parent(s) late at night and asked them to pick me up from a town < 20km away: I was told "start walking". It took me about 6 hours to walk home. I was teased, and told not to wake them up in the future.
Just.. no matter what he chooses, be there/present for him, as the real parent you are. Because we all need at least one parent that will always be there for us; even when we're too young to appreciate it.
spaltavian@reddit
So... he's going to school. Why is this a problem? Don't do some bullshit boomer "grit" thing, is it that important he works some minimum wage job on top of going to school>
He's 19, what are you talking about?
289416@reddit
right? OP sounds like a hard ass and jealous that her son had a comfy life at his dads.
inghostlyjapan@reddit
I find this story so weird. Why is a 19 year old still moving between homes like they are a child?
russ257@reddit
If possible have a sit down with the dad and say hey I know you want to be the fun parent but what happens when he is 28 doesn’t have skills and his hangs out in your game room. How long is that ok? I have a family friend who lived with her parents until they passed away when she was in her 50s. She is very stunted and never really grew up. They thought they were helping her, but they weren’t.
Weird_Squirrel_8382@reddit
My son didn't want to go to college right out of high school, and it worried me but I let him cook. Eventually he met someone he had a crush on. He decided he wasn't gonna get sufficient play if he didn't match their energy and start building an adult life. Positive peer pressure.
Odds are your son will meet some people his age who are building, and think "yeah I could be building as well." it is really expensive to move out, but he might find that working and owning his car outright will give him independence and pride.
He might even see that dad wants to keep him home for dad's needs, not his own.
suchalittlejoiner@reddit
He’s 19. This is something that should have been instilled in him FAR before he became a legal adult. At this point, you have no control.
That being said, you don’t say a single thing in your post about actually speaking with your son about your concerns. Wouldn’t that be step one?
aliceinadreamyland@reddit
My youngest moved in with her other parent when she was 19, and is just turned 25. I’ve spent the past two years trying to undo the damage to her life skills that was done over the two years she lived there. I am still working on undoing this damage. I don’t really know what to offer, except you aren’t alone.
Rod_McBan@reddit
Being a teenager coming of age now is very different to when were that age. We grew up the children of the most successful generation in history. The example that we saw was prosperity through labor: our parents worked, they had homes, meaningful lives, and some type of stability. You didn't have to be exceptional to be successful.
That has all changed. When 60% of households aren't making enough to make ends meet, you have to be above average to have a life that doesn't suck. A college degree only guarantees a lifetime of debt, not any kind of of socioeconomic success. The concept of homeownership is a complete joke.
It's not surprising these kids aren't launching themselves head first into a life of drudgery just so they can barely afford to feed and house themselves. I don't blame them.
2much4meeeeee@reddit
My son is 18 and he was the first grandchild on both sides. I was a single mom from the time he was 3 until about 6 years ago but I worked a lot of overtime for him to get what he wanted. His godparents and grandparents also gave plenty of monetary gifts. 1st job was acquired a bit over a year ago and he quit within 3 days. Second job didn’t let much longer. It was only when we threatened to turn the tags in if he didn’t start working and pay towards car insurance that he got his 3rd job. Work ethic is surprisingly strong (I was concerned) so hopefully it sticks. He now wants money for things he wants to do and he knows I can’t afford it since I’ve been stuck covering his insurance for an extra year ish. These kids just don’t have the drive we did somehow!
phoenix0r@reddit
I had a job at a movie theater when I was 16 and earned enough to buy my first car. That said, I met a real rough crowd there who introduced me to drugs and really derailed a lot of my life. I can see this in hindsight. I did see a few other friends kinda get derailed by the allure of having a stable job in your teens and not really moving beyond that. I would have liked more support for me on college, my studies, landing internships and other small jobs that are more valuable to future careers than retail work and manual labor. Not that there aren’t pluses to those, but I don’t think that’s the only path nor do I even think it’s the best anymore with today’s economy and careers. Unless you want those as your careers which is fine too, but it signs be intentional IMO.
It’s very good that he’s actually attending college IMO. I’d focus on that as a win. It sucks that your co-parent is a Disneyland Dad but at least there’s the college thing. If he stopped that, then I’d definitely be a lot more anxious for you.
Scissorsguadalupe@reddit
Did you pay him or compensate him in anyway for doing repairs?
ialsohaveadobro@reddit
Look, I'm 50 and I barely have motivation to keep a job. This country has jumped the Orca.
Weekly_Library9883@reddit
Wish I had more helpful advice, but I’m just an observer to a family friend who is going through this to a certain extent. 3 kids, all within 1-2 years of each other, early 20s, spoiled ROTTEN with dad. When they were living with their mom, they all had a job or were in college. They moved in with dad, one at a time, who gives them each $100 spending money every week, stocks the fridge, pays car insurance (I don’t know where they got their cars from), doesn’t expect or demand that they do household chores. Dad even cleans the snow off their cars in the winter.
I don’t have any contact with their mom, just their dad, and he’s constantly complaining about how they all used to have jobs or be in school until they moved in with him, and he’s completely blind as to how he’s ruining them.
seche314@reddit
He needs to figure it out for himself. If you keep pushing him to do things, you’ll push him away. Don’t force things or tell him he HAS to do xyz.
magpieoneeye@reddit
100%. Started charging step kid board which forced getting a job. Now they have hobbies and a partner becuase they can afford it,, but still so very entitled. I'm truly glad they have zero concept of what an actual struggle is, but life is going to hand them their arsehole on a breakfast platter some day and it really will not be easy.
59apache01@reddit
He should try to find some kind of internship that's related to the field he is studying. He needs to focus on getting through school if that's the path he's chosen. But he needs to realize that you don't get there sitting on your ass and playing games around the clock. There's a time and a place for everything.
whyneedaname77@reddit
I'm not a parent. I am going to just speak about the college part. When I first went to college at 18 working part time I was a c student worrying about work and having fun not totally about school.b I dropped out.
Several years later with my parents support with a place to live I went back to school. I took a student loan out to pay for school and my life so I could focus only on school and no work. And college was easy.
Now I was more mature and ready for it. But it wasn't just that. It was able to focus on only school and not work. From 16 on I worked and went to school. But when I went back and only focused on school I was an A student with occasionally Bs.
If they are killing it in school even if not sure what they want to do take the good with the bad. If they are a c student and not working that's a problem.
Dimplefrom-YA@reddit
so as a person who hires high school kids, i want to give you advice. employers do not like hiring kids that have no experience while they are studying.
he honestly should try to get an internship while he is studying.
when we hire kids at our company, if they excel at work—we slide them into a higher position. then promotion begins. while they gain experience, they finish school.
once they graduate, they now have experience built on their resume. this makes them as more likable candidates for hire at higher positions at different companies.
please tell your son, it’s good to study but he should consider getting a job while he studies.
nosyroseyposey@reddit
The dad is doing a disservice to your son, the more time that passes the harder the real world will become for your son. Not having a steady work history is going to make getting a decent job near impossible. You & your ex need to get on the same page & based on what you stated above that sounds like it won’t happen. Your ex is creating a failure to launch situation.