Where are all my fellow misfits who always struggled with friendships?
Posted by paperbasket18@reddit | Xennials | View on Reddit | 167 comments
I was reading the post the other day that asked people if they had actual close friends, and lots of people responded and said they did when they were growing up, but no longer. But who else has always had a hard time making and maintaining friendships?
With me, I’ve always been an introverted loner, so that doesn’t help. Growing up, I never really fit in. I was the kid who wouldn’t get invited to things and that my so-called friends would exclude. In high school, I dealt with mental health issues (namely an eating disorder) that isolated me further. I see all the nostalgia stuff about our generation that gets shared online and I can’t relate to most of it. Never went to prom, never partied in a field with my peers, etc. My parents said things would get better in college, but they really didn’t. Had a super hard time my freshman year — I wasn’t a partier and I went to a huge state school in the 90s, so you could say that was a mismatch. I eventually made some friends my next year on campus that I hung around with until I graduated, but over the years we’ve drifted apart into our own lives.
As an adult, I’ve had so many friends come and go. I often blame myself for not making more of an effort to maintain these relationships, but then these friends of mine also didn’t make the effort, so I think it goes both ways.
I guess I’m rambling, but curious who else can relate.
walter_grimsley@reddit
(Slowly raises hand)
This describes me pretty accurately. I too am an introverted loner, never bothered a soul, and was mostly ignored in return. I was teased a lot but not outright bullied.
As I got older I made some genuine attempts to fit in, be liked, etc. It didn’t work at all. No prom, never invited out for anything, no parties, etc. In hindsight prom was simply not in the cards for me, and I avoided disaster by abstaining.
Then I realized that for some reason people simply tolerate me. They don’t necessarily want me there, and might just have been happy to see me leave.
Today, I have leaned into my anti-social status. I no longer make first efforts to get together. I speak only when necessary. I can be funny, but I dole it out very sparingly. I get along well enough with coworkers, but those relationships are forced to begin with.
To this day I don’t know how I am married with a child. My wife is weird too, its not great but it seems to be working. In another world I would absolutely be Frank Grimes
paperbasket18@reddit (OP)
Yes, this all sounds familiar, although I wouldn’t say I’ve leaned into my antisocial status — I just fake being social when I have to. I think most people who know me casually would have no idea I’ve struggled so much, because in adulthood I’ve learned to mask/put on a show when I need to. But all the high school stuff, yeah, we lived the same life. I was bullied in middle school, but by high school I was mostly just ignored. I could see how prom could have been a disaster for me too had I gone!
I’m also married, and my spouse isn’t super social, but he is “normal” in that he had friends growing up etc. so he can’t relate to any of this!
Okra-Tomatoes@reddit
College was the one time making friends was easy, which makes sense: you're seeing the same people a lot and for once you're in a walkable place with everything close by. As an adult one difficulty is that people seem to make friends in the workplace, and I seem to end up in tiny offices with just a couple of people much older than I. The idea of going randomly to a bar sounds agonizing.
paperbasket18@reddit (OP)
I know this is unusual, but I arguably struggled the most in college. My freshman year was probably the worst year of my life — got stuck with a roomie who seemed to hate me on sight and that just was miserable. Cliques formed super fast in my dorm and I found myself on the outside quickly. Still remember overhearing someone say I was “so weird” after another girl suggested seeing if I wanted to go to dinner. I wasn’t a partier at the time, and that was hard at a state school in the 90s. Just not a good time in my life.
Specialist-Leek8645@reddit
I had to stay overnight for an orientation thing. I was going to be a commuter. I got to the prison-like room where the temp "roommate" popped in and left. The party was outside the window in the common area and it lasted all night. I didn't go down.
I'd hang out in the common areas between classes, sometimes one of the 2-3 ppl I knew would come sit. I was happy that I had anyone who wanted to hang out with me. It's too bad we only have one kind of college culture. If you don't drink and hate loud noises, it's tough.
paperbasket18@reddit (OP)
I think you did find an alternative college situation— commuting. I hated dorm life and would have been happy to live at home and commute, but was always told I had to get “the college experience.” I think I would have been better off without it, personally.
Specialist-Leek8645@reddit
Yeah yeah thats how they sold it. The Colllege Experience. Our parents knew what that means right? I think mine did so being poor was a good excuse to commute and I lived like 25 min away. I absolutely did not want to live there not even one night. Im sorry you were forced. Makes me anxious just thinking about that. You're an introvert too? It sucks feeling like you need extra resources. I know how to share but not my kitchen! I really need my own hermetically sealed safe space even if its tiny.
paperbasket18@reddit (OP)
I’m honestly still bitter about it all these years later and wonder how different things might have been if I’d gone to college somewhere that was a better fit. Even if I didn’t commute, a smaller school close to home where I could have gone home on the weekends would have been a better match than an out-of-state party school. I do envy Gen Z in that being an introvert seems to be much more acceptable for them. I read about how they don’t drink or date or anything and I’m like yep, sounds like me in college. LOL
Specialist-Leek8645@reddit
I tried to fit-in and had some success but it took more energy than I have these days. When I was looking at colleges I had no idea WTF I was supposed to be doing and neither did my parents. Looking back, I'm surprised I survived haha.
They wouldn't, but if my parents had made me dorm, I would have probably dropped out from the panic attacks. I was lucky their car knowledge made up for their lack of college help. I'm sorry, it sucks that your college memories are mostly bad. As Xennials I'm sure we all have our share of regrets over things done, not done, and done to us. (as well as Oxford Commas)
Yeah the GenZ I've encountered seem to be pretty cool. Can't believe they're the same people as those little kids, all grown up. Hopefully they'll have less health problems later on from being so chaste and pure lol.
aliceinadreamyland@reddit
Me. This is me. I moved so much as a child and teenager in highschool I don’t think I ever learned how to make friends and keep them and then as an adult I moved even more. It’s really hard. I want friends, I know I need them, but I don’t know what to do.
alett146@reddit
This is me to a T. I was just always moving.
aliceinadreamyland@reddit
Yeah, moving so much destroyed any chance of building long term friendships in my youth.
on_island_time@reddit
I was always an introverted loner and still am. Tbh I assume reddit attracts people like us.
I never had more than one or two good friends at a time my whole life. And today I have two, my spouse and an ex-coworker bestie. I've forced myself to practice over the years and gotten pretty decent I think at casual friendliness, so I have good relationships in general with acquaintances. But I really don't feel driven to push beyond that...I've accepted that I'm happy being an introvert and that is very much okay.
paperbasket18@reddit (OP)
This rings very true. I no longer feel like a social pariah, I get along fine with people now and also have plenty of acquaintances and casual friends that I have good relationships with. Not too driven to develop closer bonds, either. I think it’s less that I’m unhappy with my friendships now and more that I feel like I missed out on a lot of core experiences with friends you can only get when you’re younger. If that makes sense.
Spirited_Storage3956@reddit
Prom sucked. I asked someone I met once from another school to go with me because I felt like I "had" to go. It wasn't fun
paperbasket18@reddit (OP)
People make such a thing about it. You can see it now with our generation posting their kids’ prom pics all over social media. I hate telling people I never went because they usually act kinda horrified!
Spirited_Storage3956@reddit
That's silly. So glad we didn't have social media back then, it's all for show now.bIt's not the 50's anymore, IDK why they even have prom anymore
BeignetsAndWhiskey@reddit
Wow, it's so comforting to see a post like this. I relate to this so hard. I didn't go to prom. I'm a guy, if that matters. I didn't go to prom. Didn't get asked out. Always picked last in sports. My friends mostly kept me around just to have someone to make fun of. Girls would tell me that other girls liked me, just as a sick joke they were playing on the other girl.
It's so true about being unable to relate to the nostalgia. I now live in a completely different part of the country and don't associate with anyone I grew up with outside of family. When my friends exchange their fun high school stories, they might as well be talking about living on another planet.
On one hand, I'm kind of proud that I have become good lifelong friends with people that were cool in high school. My wife was super popular in high school. It's not like I sought out friends just for that. It's just what happened. But it also hurts a little when they talk about those days because a) I can't relate even a little bit and b) it reminds me of how painful my experience was. It makes me feel like I missed out. This is probably not cool to say, but if I ever had kids (which I won't), I would want them to be popular in high school. Or at least not unpopular. I know we're supposed to say that it doesn't matter what other people think and we should just be ourselves. But people that say that probably don't know what it's like to walk up to a girl intending to ask her to prom, and because one of your "friends" tipped her off, she saw it coming and literally dropped her books and ran away (not exaggerating).
Anyway, thanks for that therapy session. To answer the question, I have a lot of good friends now, but it took a long time to get here. I spent most of my life having maybe a friend or two that were more like acquaintances. I spent my 40th birthday alone since my ex-wife and I had just broken up a few months before and she was my only real friend at the time.
But then I met my wife in 2020 and she has a huge circle of friends and I have become quite close with some of them. And then a few acquaintances I had beforehand turned into best friends and their circle of friends and my wife's circle of friends kind of merged. It's honestly exhausting sometimes but I love it. I'm so thankful that my wife nudges me a little to get out of the house and do things with them.
Oh, if you haven't seen it, you might find the movie Eighth Grade cathartic. It takes place in a different generation but it's the only movie I've seen that accurately portrays life as an awkward unpopular teenager. The part where she's at the kid's pool party and it comes out that she was only invited because the kid's mom made her invite her might as well have been ripped straight out of my childhood. I'm a guy that doesn't cry often and I'm pretty sure I cried watching that movie. I had never felt so seen
Last-Stop-Before-You@reddit
Dude I’m so happy your story ended so happily.
I’m someone who always had best friends. I’m only in touch with two of the people from my HS and the rest of my closest and best friends I met post-college, through my mid 20s up to now.
While you might always nurse some pain from those missed HS glory days, in my experience the true friendships you forge as an adult tend to be much richer than the ones you formed when your brain wasn’t even fully developed.
BeignetsAndWhiskey@reddit
Thanks. You are totally right. I would much rather have the friendships that I have now. I also realize that I relatively didn't have it so bad. My parents stayed together. We didn't have a lot of money but we owned a house and stuff. I wasn't physically abused. I read stories on Reddit almost daily about other childhoods that make me feel somewhat blessed. I won't say my home growing up was happy but it wasn't traumatic either
paperbasket18@reddit (OP)
You sound like the male version of me — always picked last, being the punching bag of the friend group, being told someone liked me as a joke, only being invited to things because someone’s parents made them invite me. Went through all of it.
I’m also not having kids, but I agree with you I would have wanted them to be more popular than I was. I was really good academically— really the only thing I had going for myself in high school— and I’ve always thought I would have been better off being a mediocre student and having a fulfilling social life, rather than an A student who sat home alone all the time. My parents always said doing well in school meant I’d be the one to end up super successful, and I certainly do ok in my career, but nothing special and no one has ever given a shit about those grades once I graduated.
BeignetsAndWhiskey@reddit
Totally. I saw a post on Reddit about this a while back. A common thing to say to unpopular kids is something like "keep your head down and get good grades and someday you'll make tons of money and the popular kids in high school will be your employees".
Fuck that. That's such bullshit. And most people in the comments agreed it was terrible advice. In most cases, the kids that grow up and do well are the kids that are smart AND popular. Being popular and smart aren't mutually exclusive. I have a lot of friends that are very successful and are smart and were at least somewhat popular in school. People skills and charisma are so valuable in the corporate world and we do a disservice to kids when we pretend otherwise.
I was also smart but I didn't really apply myself and got mediocre grades. I went through high school so depressed (points at the previous comment for evidence as to why) that I really couldn't get motivated to get good grades. I also do fine in my career but "nothing special" is exactly how I would describe it
VisiblePlatform6704@reddit
Lost a fingir on a fringe accident when I was 7 years old. Was extremely bullied for 10 years until high school. Became a huge computer need in the process
Went to a different high school, made friends through alcohol, then went to uni and found MY PEOPLE in needs that played Unreal Tournament, AoE, d&d and programmed.
Now im married, no kids, have maybe 3 to 5 good friends far away. But I'm living my best life.
And my main bully is a "respected" doctor in NY.
Specialist-Leek8645@reddit
I can't be surprised that on this topic so many of us confess to being bullied. Any little difference is fair game. Panic attacks in elementary school were brutal. I remember wondering, just how many heart attacks can a person live through?? Nobody thought anxiety was real and my OCD was complimented lol. I had no idea what was happening to me. I was a weird kid too. Mom was bullied just like me but she dropped out of HS, I knew I had to finish.
Sounds about right that most of us had a little spark of social energy in our 20s, and that it probably involved alcohol. Also seems many of us stopped drinking. I don't think it was ever really my thing. College was great in that I could more easily find people with specific interests. Nobody ever has my interests.
paperbasket18@reddit (OP)
“Sounds about right that most of us had a little spark of social energy in our 20s, and that it probably involved alcohol. Also seems many of us stopped drinking.”
Oh my gosh, so much this! I binge drank my way through my twenties and looking back I was absolutely doing it as a way to mask my social anxiety and awkwardness. I still drink here and there, but am glad those days of heavy drinking are long gone. It was so bad for me and I really regret how I acted when I was partying.
Specialist-Leek8645@reddit
Despite growing up around alcoholism, my body was always more like the other side of the family and I never saw any of them drink. It was OK but not worth it. Now the downsides far outweigh the benefits. Always meaning to get some to cook with tho. Our college partying might have been recorded and that's for the first time in history. No more forgetting the folly of youth.
woojo1984@reddit
Hello loner. Perhaps you may have ADHD / Autism?
Circle of 0 is still round.
laurenishere@reddit
Yup, this. I suspect I have AuDhd. Twice the fun!
woojo1984@reddit
My work wife I suspect has this. We've discussed it and she said as far as treatment that ship has sailed lol!
paperbasket18@reddit (OP)
Kinda how I feel. I can see elements of both in me, but despite this rant I’ve posted, I’m actually doing pretty ok these days. Not sure what a diagnosis would actually do for me at this stage of my life.
TinyRedGuy@reddit
This is me. One friend at a time max, more often none. My wife was the same way, now we got our person and no more friends are needed
Over_Interaction_925@reddit
Same, I can relate. Personally I enjoy being alone. Always have been. It's so calming
Jupitersd2017@reddit
lol the more friends you have the more commitments you have and the more social activities you are forced to endure. I love being alone, my job requires me to be very outgoing and it’s exhausting
Over_Interaction_925@reddit
Exactly more money spent or debt just to keep up with the commitment.
Difficult_Good_128@reddit
Same, always been a loner, a bit awkward, with social anxiety thru school. I had friends here and there but missed out on alot. I eventually dropped out of high-school and got my GED and went to our community college and that's where it all changed for me. The internet was just starting and I met some friends on AOL chat rooms in my city. They invited me to a house party and I just clicked with alot of people and made a core group of friends. We had cook outs, went to tons of house parties, we had house parties, traveled together, those were some of the best times and memories I have. That all changed sadly. Being 48 i have become a bit more introverted as I have gotten older and don't have as many friends. Its a bit hard finding good friends as u get older.
cheesy_bees@reddit
I've never been good at them. Now I know it's because I'm autistic
CommandAlternative10@reddit
Nobody was diagnosing hyperverbal girls back in 1985, didn’t get mine until 2018. Xennials are absolutely part of the “lost” generations for Autism.
paperbasket18@reddit (OP)
I often wonder if I’d have a diagnosis if I were in school today. The trouble fitting in/loner tendencies and my penchant for hyper fixating on things point to autism, and I often struggled to pay attention to things I don’t care about (still do.) I got yelled at for being spacey a lot when I was a kid. All that said, I was still pretty high-functioning and got excellent grades, which was my parents’ main concern and priority for me. Who knows.
M_J_E@reddit
They changed the definition of Autism in 2012. They took the Asperger’s Syndrome diagnosis and included it as part of the Autism Spectrum. Many of us with autistic traits but low support needs would not have qualified as autistic as kids.
CommandAlternative10@reddit
I wouldn’t have qualified as Autistic as a kid because I didn’t have speech delay. But Asperger’s, which didn’t require speech delay, didn’t even exist as a diagnosis until 1994. We fell through the cracks. 🤷♀️
cheesy_bees@reddit
Absolutely!!!!
percephony@reddit
I look back now and wonder, how the fuck did no one clock this??
Wolf_Parade@reddit
No one was trying.
Nonsenseinabag@reddit
Heck, I didn't even know and that's after two decades of "finding myself" for decades. No wonder nobody else could figure it out.
Sorry_Consequence816@reddit
AuDHD here, wasn’t diagnosed until 2016/2017. I’m just glad that (hopefully) younger generations don’t have to go through the trauma of finding out later in life.
Wolf_Parade@reddit
I'm AuDHD which I think makes me better at making friends and worse at keeping them.
cheesy_bees@reddit
They battle each other don't they
percephony@reddit
REAL
Wolf_Parade@reddit
Based on (many) a true story.
FoppyRETURNS@reddit
A lot of us are here actually. I learned that friendships aren't deep bonds but common circumstances and proximity. When you move, get a different career, get married, have children, etc. no amount of effort can keep your friendships as they were. The same concept also applies to family, marriages, etc. Humankind is... shallow.
It doesn't mean that life isn't beautiful. We're just looking for it in the wrong places.
HechicerosOrb@reddit
I’ve maintained many friendships for decades, in spite of moves, marriages etc. maybe I’m the weird one, but I think that’s a very cynical world view
Last-Stop-Before-You@reddit
Thank you for this counter point.
It’s a little disheartening to see people declaring that friendship is inherently shallow and disposable. If that’s the view you’re coming from then yes, that’ll become a self fulfilling prophecy.
Friendship is extraordinary important to me, so I prioritize it. As a result I have rich, deep, soulful connections with some absolutely amazing human beings. Those friendships have survived and thrived despite major changes in our personal lives, including the total loss of proximity in some cases.
dallyan@reddit
No, you're not the only one. I don't know what OP is going on about. A lot of friendships are based mostly on circumstance but deep, genuine friendships... it doesn't matter what happens, they live on.
CuriousLands@reddit
It is partially true in the sense that not being near each other makes it harder to really have a full relationship. But you're also right; I've kept up with friends on the other side of the world for years. My husband is Aussie and I'm Canadian, we dated long-distance for years before getting married... 2 of my besties are Aussie and Canadian respectively, so I'm always emailing/calling one or the other of them lol, but I've managed to keep up those friendships for 20 years without living near them. But I think that's rare, not the rule.
HildeFrankie@reddit
I am still beat friends with my best friends from elementary school. We don't see each other often, but we keep up with each other. It takes work to keep friendships going...but the work shouldn't be hard. A text here and there, a call here and there.... I also keep up with my college roommate, and early career friends, all of whom live many hours from me. We plan to get together at least once a year if we can.
I am so sad when I hear that people don't have close friends. My best friends are like my family....they are even closer to me than most of my family. I cannot imagine not having the friends I have.
80s_angel@reddit
I’ve also maintained several friendships from childhood but the older I’ve gotten the more I realize that isn’t common.
HappyKadaver666@reddit
I think this is very true - although I wouldn’t classify it as “shallow”. I think things come along for specific reasons and seasons - and a lot of the time that’s all that’s really needed. Take things as they come and enjoy them while they last, then move on to whatever is meant to come next.
Mind-of-Jaxon@reddit
That’s how in started to view relationships, enjoy them as much as possible fit the amount of time it lasts. They never last. So make the most of it
Last-Stop-Before-You@reddit
Friendships never last? Are you absolutely convinced of that?
FoppyRETURNS@reddit
👆👆👆
Last-Stop-Before-You@reddit
As someone who cherishes friendship and has several very deep, long running friendships, I respectfully have to disagree. I’m just living in a reality that’s in direct opposition with the entire notion of friendship as inherently a byproduct of mere circumstance and proximity.
I think many people have circumstantial relationships that they classify as “friendship”. This includes schoolmates and coworkers that they call “friends”, but in reality are really acquaintances. Yes, those relationships will dissolve once the point of connection is gone.
In my experience, myself and those I know who have deep, rich and lasting bonds with friends are all people who prize friendship, consider it vital to their well being and make the time and expend the effort necessary to nurse the relationships in their lives.
There are simply people in my life that I adore and am adored by for reasons that have very little to do with shared circumstances. Thankfully it’s also easier now than at any point in history to stay in contact with people, if that is truly a priority.
dallyan@reddit
Same. I have friends who, even if we haven't seen each other for years, I can pick right back up with as if no time has passed. I feel bad for people who don't have that.
Last-Stop-Before-You@reddit
The older I get the more I see that lots of people just don’t consider friendship to be a priority in their lives. Which is fine, as long as you genuinely don’t need close friends.
But if you’re a person for whom friendship isn’t vital, you’re probably not the one who should be pontificating on the merits or lack thereof of friendship.
Specialist-Leek8645@reddit
Yeah, and as we get older life happens and friendships fade more than break. I don't take it personally anymore. We're surrounded by distractions and kept busy. Plus, our needs change. I get it now but it still sucks.
ChiefBroady@reddit
Yeah. It has been my experience unfortunately that a lot of people who I thought were lifelong friends stopped talking to me once I moved. So now I just have my wife and cats and a couple of remote friends.
Anxious-Cupcake-84@reddit
This! I was absorbed into a friend group mainly b/c of proximity. And looking back I feel like I was the second tier of that group. We don't stay in touch. I have one best friend but we don't even talk all the time.
VisiblePlatform6704@reddit
I've moved quite a lot over the years: Germany, UK, and several states in Mexico. I've made very good friends in each of those places. Nowadays I only see them on Facebook and say hi sporadically. It's sad because I remember great times with them. But it is also happy when I see where most of them are now.
Exponential-777@reddit
They all have a reddit account. You found your people.
Puzzleheaded_Race_90@reddit
There was a weird time in my late 20s/ early 30s where I actually had a ton of friends. Didn't in high school, don't now. Most of those friends, I couldn't reconnect with. It's... kinda better this way. It does get lonely sometimes, though
alett146@reddit
Same
paperbasket18@reddit (OP)
Same. After avoiding alcohol through high school and most of college, I went completely the other direction with it and so was going out all the time and was super social. But looking back, were they really friends or just drinking buddies? Haven’t talked to most of those people in years.
Puzzleheaded_Race_90@reddit
Surprisingly accurate
Pickles_McBeef@reddit
This is me. I really struggled until my senior year in highschool. Made a few friends, moved away to school, made a few more friends, and then when 30 hit...those friendships had all faded and its back to struggling.
I've never actually had a best friend though (except my husband). When I've had friends I've always been the third wheel to another core group.
marshmallowest@reddit
I don't have anyone I'd call a close longterm friend besides my husband. I did ask my therapist if this was an issue, and basically she said if it doesn't bother you, then 🤷🏻♀️
I know I'm terrible at friendship maintenance things like hanging out and keeping in touch, so while people are friendly to me I don't encourage them
Texas_Kimchi@reddit
I have a tiny group of friends other than that don't really see the need. Every friendship I have had either naturally ran its course or women got in the middle. I got into the friend circle as the new guy and I guess everyone had a thing for one of the girls and we ended up dating. Those guys ended up hating me!!!! I had no idea I got into the friend circle because me and her were already talking and I genuinely liked the guys. After that it wasn't worth my time getting emotionally invested in people.
staticfingertips@reddit
Me. Finding out 5 months ago that I’m autistic does help explain it though.
mlo9109@reddit
Me! Lifelong victim of mean girls who now has a healthy distrust of other women as a result making adult friendships even harder than they need to be. I don't have a girl group. I've never been on a girls' trip. As hellish as those experiences sound, I do feel like I'm missing out at times.
Being single and childless also makes things difficult. The few friends I had as an adult abandoned me once they married and had kids. I also poured more into my friendships than I got back, which was exhausting. I'm nobody's ride or die, which is disheartening.
As a single, I'm seen as a threat by other women (ignoring how I have no desire to sleep with their gross man baby husbands), so making new friends is even more challenging. Most social activities for adult women here are kid-oriented. I guess I'm just doomed to be alone.
Last-Stop-Before-You@reddit
Listen, marriage and kids can be consuming, which I know from personal experience.
But I think married couples and parents are fools to dump single friends. If anything I cherish my closest single friends even more. It’s really nice to maintain a couple strong friendships that don’t devolve into endless blathering over the ups and downs of family life. I LIVE for my hang outs with my single best friends and make sure to stay in regular contact and make myself regularly available to them.
InstantTurnOn@reddit
Have you tried forging a friendship with a similarly embittered gay man?
mlo9109@reddit
No, but honestly, not opposed to it. I have a "Reddit friend" who is a bitter gay dude who posts on our home state's sub from time to time. Great dude, wish we could meet IRL.
InstantTurnOn@reddit
It would probably be a good match. What you wrote really spoke to me as a long time social misfit who didn't play well with the other boys. I reckon that catty gay men aren't all that different from mean girls. Meaner, even.
AwkwardPersonality36@reddit
I am childfree by choice and was widowed at age 37. Mid 40's now and my only friend is my partner (and dog!) but even he has friends, where I don't. It's lonely sometimes. Mostly I'm ok with it except for the things you've mentioned, I'd love to go on a girls trip and feel like I'm missing out when I see other's storying about theirs etc.
Specialist-Leek8645@reddit
Man, a forgotten demographic is people widowed before or around their 30s. Since this thread is about friendships-- back when we were all mid/late 20s, my ex's friend & husband would hang out often, the 4 of us. Then one day, he wasn't here anymore. So young, so sudden. I was at their wedding. He wasn't sick. It wasn't fair.
After that the friend dynamic started to break apart. Instead of mourning bringing us together, we all kinda got traumatized by it in different ways, I think. Might have echoed generational trauma for me, since one of my grandmothers died in the 70's a few years before I was born. Grandpa raised 3 boys by himself but it left a mark on the family.
AwkwardPersonality36@reddit
Thanks. Yeah, it brings a whole world of awkwardness on its own. You suddenly lose the friends you had as a unit, people suddenly feel weird around a widow, and you soon find yourself without any friends left. I had one who sort of got me through the darkest days at the beginning and admittedly I relied heavily on her, but as the years went on, we both changed and grew apart from one another. I haven't had a close friend since. It's especially lonely knowing I don't have any friends left who knew my late husband (except for an acquaintance) and it sort of feels like life before and life after.
Specialist-Leek8645@reddit
For real. Did he even exist? Did you imagine that whole life? The ways it changes you must leave you feeling like a different person.
I forget what year he died but it must have been close to your loss. Thanks, I appreciate it, but I can't imagine what it was like for his wife. I was just close enough to him for it to affect me and highlight my own mortality. But shit, a spouse? I'm just a hypersensitive wreck. You've moved on and I'll be crying myself to sleep over a stranger lol.
Thanks for contributing to the conversation. This community has been very welcoming to me, as I hope it has for you.
AwkwardPersonality36@reddit
It's honestly hard remembering what it was like to be a wife. I don't think I will remarry, even though I'm partnered now. That's a life that seems imagined and were it not for my Facebook memories I check every morning, for that exact reason, I'm not sure how real it would seem.
The hardest part in approaching the day he passed away is wondering, aside from myself, his and my parents, does anyone else even think of him anymore? They say the people we love live on in our memories, and it's made me sad to think there are probably not many people remembering him, saying his name. It's sad.
I lost my only sibling (younger brother) too in 2023. I often have the same thoughts about him too. The feeling that they're being forgotten while everyone else moves on is just the saddest thing to think about.
Thanks for your kind words, stranger.
Specialist-Leek8645@reddit
I'm an old soul who remembers the Dead. A HS friend died years ago already. I remember him. My grandma is constantly in my thoughts. I mourn my parents and brother who are still alive. 20 years is a long time to not talk to someone. I mourn the nephews I've never met. The other grandmother I never met. I mourn Mr. Rogers and Julia Child (tattooed on my arm). You get the idea lol I can remember your husband for you too. I probably won't even need to try bc you spent the time talking to me and I remember those things.
I was the kind of kid who would look out the car window, see a dead animal in the road and just cry bc I felt the loss so deeply. That squirrel had a family too! hah I was also the kinda kid who spent time in cemeteries hanging out with the dead people. I love Dia de los Muertos. I revere those who came before. I love ancestry. Humans are great at tools and storytelling. ❤️
AwkwardPersonality36@reddit
You're a special kind <3 thanks for remembering them...and I'm sorry for the losses you've experienced even though they're still here. Those are hard in their own way too. Reading that you think about your late friend gives me some hope that maybe his do too. And that makes me feel a little less sad. I suppose it would be easier if I were still in contact with some of his friends from his past, to ask them that.
Specialist-Leek8645@reddit
He was very memorable. Trademark round glasses and long silly moustache. Usually flannel.
You're looking for confirmation from them that you're not the last one still mourning. I'm sure they remember him. If they still hang out, even if they don't talk about him, I bet they keep it to themselves. Dudes can bury feelings pretty deep but can convey our own secret messages with a face gesture. A look that says, "I know Buddy."
Sometimes friend groups break up when each person reminds the others of the empty chair. I feel like guy-only groups tend to get closer when a buddy dies. Maybe get more Viking and go out of their way to honor them. Depending how they knew him, where they met, he's in someone else's head too even if only once in a while. The younger they met the more likely they still think of him bc those were important years. We think we're grown at the time but now we can look back and see that our 20s were "formative years" too.
Dammit this was supposed to be short.
And please, stop complimenting me. It makes me itchy lol
Immateriumdelirium@reddit
Oh hello there twin. Exact same boat. Never had any real friends, certainly not other women. No kids, would have been married, he died.
A long time ago I realized I’m probably too weird for most people. I have some odd interests and hobbies. So I do my best to just keep myself busy and if I really need a friend, I have 3 wonderful cats that don’t judge. Well, maybe they judge but they don’t talk shit lol.
Specialist-Leek8645@reddit
Oh, my cat talks shit.
Weird people are cool.
;D
Bubbly_Wealth8165@reddit
I would also like to chime in that I have kids who are just like me, loners! So it can still be lonely🙃!
onions-make-me-cry@reddit
Meeee. I have very few friends and I really don't keep in touch with any of my old friends once I move on to a different phase.
I wish I knew why, and how to be different, but I really don't.
CuriousLands@reddit
I'm an extrovert but always struggled to make long-term friends. I moved a lot throughout my life, on average we'd move every 1-2 years - not exactly a great setup for making long-term friends. I've gone through stretches where I managed to land in a place where I found my people, lol, but so far most of those friendships haven't lasted in the long run - maybe 5, 6, 7 years, and then something happens to make it go kaput.
I do have a couple of longer-term friends though, but only a few, and they don't live near me anymore, and don't know (and sometimes don't get along with) each other. So no dinner parties or game nights for us, lol.
I'm a bit of a weird duck - not in a bad way, just in a way that means I often don't fit people's expectations super well - and I guess that makes it harder to find friends.
CheesyRomantic@reddit
I have 1 friendship I was able to maintain over the years.
I never had a large circle of friends. But I blame myself for that too.
I didn't know it then, but anxiety and a few other factors played a role.
Now I am a sad, lonely 48 year old with 2 wonderful amazing kids but a very unhappy and almost toxic marriage.
jenni5@reddit
This is also me. As a kid I didn’t get invited to the birthday parties, the neighbors were great and I went there an eventually the mom was mad I was there eating snacks when she offered it to her kid and me. I knew as a kid I wouldn’t get invited to weddings and I didn’t and that I wouldn’t get married — all came true. I used to line up at recess at the start of the bell cause the teachers made it so impossible if you were late and other kids in the small concrete jungle was overcrowded and there was nothing to do but scream and run in a huge crowd. I got made fun of in elementary school because the other cute small Asian girls made up a word and wouldn’t tell me what it was and laughed since I didn’t know it. I got video taped in college by a classmate grabbing food during a break from an event and she shared with the whole class laughing at me. I had 12 hour Wed and we were allowed but I still got isolated. This was the girl that was in the hospital a few weeks before and I brought her some fruits and visited cause she was there alone. I don’t talk to any of them anymore because of it. I reported the video to the school as my advisor insisted and I made sure nothing happened to her just that she should know that was not ok to do that someone (in the future). She never talked to me after a neither did anyone else In the class so it isolated me more. I led a student group program and no one did much of the work and I ended up doing 20 people work with my co director. I invited my friend from outside the school to join and he also didn’t work and then eventually he deleted me from all the accounts I setup for this org. He’s still there now. I was worried about the quality of work since people paid us and now our reputation is getting tanked anyway.
I lost my best friend in high school cause she thought I was keeping my activities secret on getting into college. I wasn’t and I wanted to go to college with her and discuss things but she didn’t want to. She apologized too late and got married in her great college that was free and we never got back together. I struggled in college and getting jobs tho I also went to a great school and studied engineering.
Empathy and care for others is not valued as this world turned more and more towards money.
Maybe I never learned how to be with people after being hit daily by my older brother and ignored for all basic needs by mom. He sat on me and pinned me down and spit in my face. As an adult me made me wait for hours for him to get off a phone call, made me ride in the backseat of the car, walk on the opposite side of the street. He wonders now why I don’t want to talk to him or see him. I see mom and she doesn’t ask me a question about my life at all. I just do all the stuff for her she needs and then I come back and I need another period of recovery. I gain weight and it makes me even more ugly and isolated when I see her and go though more of these relationships.
nectarinetree@reddit
We're here. Still super independent. Pretty happy about it.
I always felt like there are some things you have to give up, if you want to have a lot of friends. Maybe sometimes I like just kind of doing my own thing.
Scissorsguadalupe@reddit
I have lasting friendships in adulthood, but school, especially high school I had a hard time keeping friends. In high school I had a lot of 3 month friendships because I had a class(es) with someone and we became friends until the class ended
alvinofdiaspar@reddit
Friends…what is that?
yowza_wowza@reddit
I can relate. I've always been unlikable in a way. Just didn't fit it in. Awkward, neurotic, annoying. Generally not a popular kind of personality. I'm aware of it and there's nothing I can do to change it, believe me I've tried. Friendships have always been the worst trouble for me and at some point I just gave up. I have some acquaintances and a husband and that has just been good enough for me.
Maleficent-Box4114@reddit
I had a conversation with my dad and stepmom not long ago about how adults make friends. Their response was basically work. I employ teenagers and have no interest in being their friend. I held onto my best friend from school for as long as I could, but we lead completely different lives and eventually lost touch a couple years ago. Now I kind of just meet people at random who don’t stick around long, but I think I’m ok with that. I’m sure someone will come along eventually who wants to stick around. I have my dog and she’s great!
mjh8212@reddit
Always liked being left alone. One good friend for over 30 years. We hardly talk now but I also don’t have much of a social life besides my husband.
zzz242zzz@reddit
Down to one old friend, lucky to have them still. We talk every month or so and see each other a few times a year.
I am horrible at maintaining relationships, especially if I do not live near the other person. I know it’s my fault all my other friendships have died and honestly would be hesitant to start any new friendships as I know I will tank it one way or another at some point.
Mind-of-Jaxon@reddit
Here I am over here. Gave up on making friends Because they all leave eventually
keto_and_me@reddit
I was more of an “outskirts” friend. I knew everyone, and got along with most people. But didn’t have close friends to hang out with on weekends. I worked a lot so in the later high school years it wasn’t a big deal. In college my roommate was one of those people who had tons of close friends so our house was always full and there was always someone to hang out with, again I was always included, but to close to anyone. Now I’m married so I have a built in best friend, fortunately. I do still have 1 friend for years and she lives about 3 hours away. We text/send reels and get together a few times a year.
bcentsale@reddit
We're in hiding. Leave us alone.
caramelpupcorn@reddit
I think a large portion of Reddit's population is comprised of 'our kind.'
Anyway, I'm going to slither back into my hole.
bcentsale@reddit
It wouldn't surprise me. I like the asynchronous nature and message board feel of reddit, but I'm like that in real life too.
buffysmanycoats@reddit
I’ve always been someone who had one or two close friends at a time. Those friends tended to change every few years. I’ve never been good at maintaining long term friendships, I don’t know why. Seems my friends always end up growing apart and moving on.
Domitiani@reddit
I'm the same and always have been ... I make friends super easy (lucky there) but maintaining them is near impossible long term.
The bright side is they tend to stay friends if we connect again years later. I've always thought of friends as something that fits a certain time in your life and then eventually life moves on.
Islandcrafter@reddit
It's easier to maintain when you find those that don't demand your time. You'll stay closer and more open to those who make it easy to reconnect even after not seeing them for years. I have one friend from high school that I have that relationship with and we may not see each other for up to 5 years at a time but it's like normal when we do.
CantaloupeAsleep502@reddit
This is lots of my friends. I have friends all over the country. We maybe talk once or twice a year, and see each other rarely, but when we do it's right there. Feels like real friendship. For my local friends, it's hard because I'm long term single and they all have kids, so our friendships basically hinge on me reaching out, making a plan, and going to them.
AmputeeHandModel@reddit
Yeah, turns out it was AuDHD. No wonder I felt like a fucking alien all the time. Oh well, got a wife and kid and I guess that's enough.
kabbage_with_hair@reddit
I still have two close friends from when I was six years old.
One lives pretty far away and started a family, so we aren't as close on a super personal level anymore but we still always send memes to each other and joke about stupid shit.
My other friend and I are very close. We have very similar views, interests and life experiences. We only see each other every few months but it's usually deep conversations and can sometimes get pretty emotional.
The thing we all have in common is we were picked on pretty badly in elementary school, and always had each other's backs. A bit of trauma bonding I suppose.
I've had a hell of a time trying to make friends from any other scenario. Work? Hell no. Hobby groups? Nope! Neighbours? Nuh uh! I just can't relate. There's no connection at all.
Abpoe77@reddit
Have a few but don't really check in or hang out with anyone. Drive my garbage truck 8 hours a day. Go home do chores watch TV with the wife. Go for a walk. Weekends are big chores, hang out with my teenager and rest. I don't really know where to fit friends in my life
MrsDonaldDraper@reddit
I think I’ve been a lot of people’s close friend, but have had few of my own, if that makes sense. I’m an extroverted introvert. I’m great at socializing and people always like me, but I don’t enjoy it and there are very few people who don’t drain my social battery. That said, most of my friends are online now and all my social needs are met.
WolvesandTigers45@reddit
I was extroverted at school and an introvert at home. After going to war and coming home, I haven’t made one friend in 20 years.
Spare-Good-5372@reddit
My only real friend is my wife ¯\ˍ(ツ)ˍ/¯
CantaloupeAsleep502@reddit
I'm kind of the opposite. I have loads of friends but seem incapable of attracting romantic attachment
vikmaychib@reddit
You are not the only one. I do not hold much nostalgia for high school, my best memories are actually when I joined university. I kept contact with just a couple of acquaintances from school and most of my social awakening occurred in university. Still, always struggled to keep contact with people or friendships. Aside from romantic partners, most people just came and went, and camaraderie never went beyond sharing a drink within university centered activities. I did not visited many of my classmates houses nor they came to mine.
SubstantialFootball1@reddit
Exactly the same for me. Didn’t go to prom or anything like that, had friends - mostly people I partied with when I was young and rebellious - but there was always a wall between us. I’ve been told I come off as a little cold, even though I don’t mean to. My closest friend by far is my husband (married in courthouse because who would I have invited to a wedding?), besides that i just have a couple colleagues I text with. Now I’m in my 40s and it’s of course hard to make new good friends.
DicksOfPompeii@reddit
I don’t even try to maintain friendships anymore. It’s not worth the anxiety and work these days. I wonder sometimes if maybe I should put more effort into the people who try to get to know me but I usually land on nah, fuck that.
Friendships are work. And I barely have time to raise my kid and support her. I really don’t have time to put the energy and effort into a friend. All of that goes into my kid and getting me through the day.
You’d think some of us loners would connect and form some kind of friendship but I assume they feel the same way I do: the work isn’t worth it in most cases. I put in a ton of work, for me as a loner, only to be let down by people who claimed to want to be my friend. What’s the point?
At least being a loner I know I don’t have anyone to depend on like that and I don’t have a false sense of security a fake friend brings to my life.
I figure I’ll die perfectly content alone and unbothered. I guess we’ll see…
dinosandbees@reddit
Describes me to a T. I've learned that most of my close friendships will have an expiration date which varies, but is generally always less than 2 years for people I get really close to. I'm always the "in-between" friend, the one people reach out to when they've just lost their job or had a breakup or someone died, etc. Never a first choice, but the consolation prize until something better comes along.
I feel like I'm better off not relying on anyone. It sucks to be a loner, but it's better than constantly being disappointed and upset (and dumped). Also better than being bullied, which started around age 5, and 40 years later, I'm still waiting to grow out of that phase? I really treasure the people who've stuck around for longer, even if we aren't as close. I don't think those friends realize how much they mean to me because we aren't super close, but those relationships feel more stable or reliable.
It just really sucks when there's a cool thing I want to do, but don't have anyone to do it with. (I know I could go alone, and I do, but that isn't always feasible or desirable).
NoContextCarl@reddit
Oddly, I was pretty quiet and introverted growing up, yet had plenty of friends. I was really selective who I opened up to, I suppose. I still socialized quite a bit but was content with having time to myself. Being an only child probably contributed to that.
But yeah, depending on your circumstances and lifestyle, people at this point in life tend to drift away from closer friendships.
weezerwiggles@reddit
This post and its comments have really given me a sigh of relief. I stress many times a week over past friendships that I feel I have let fall apart.
I knew a girl in college that was a bit older than me. Obviously that meant she was much wiser and more of a grown up than I was. She told me about her view on friendships being ‘in the moment’ and how people will always grow apart and you aren’t meant to keep the same people around forever. Now, I understand what she was saying, but in my early 20s, I couldn’t fathom not keeping a friend I’d made. Even now, I constantly am down on myself for not upholding relationships I “should”.
I see now that I’m not alone in this, and it’s ok to let people go and be in the past…. It doesn’t mean I can’t wish them well and think about them from time to time, but there’s no need to stress.
AwkwardPersonality36@reddit
Agree with this, I think we out grow people and friendships. I see friendships as seasons, and I've certainly had a few seasons where I've outgrown and moved on.
AwkwardPersonality36@reddit
My user name checks out. Add to that being childfree by choice, widowed by the age of 37, living in a small town, and now in my mid 40's, I literally have no friends except my partner. And my dog. My two best friends lol.
Basic-Biscotti-2375@reddit
Introverted loner here too. Combined with being extremely socially awkward and kinda nerdy certainly didn't help. In high school I sat at the "others" table with the special needs kids and the few others who never really found their place. Like some other posts I've seen, I was disliked on sight by some people and even as an adult I've had random managers like that too.
I had one really close friend from elementary school but it wasn't really reciprocated. Once we got into high school I was usually ditched for the kids with drugs or plans always fell through at the last minute (because why hang out with me when there's someone more exciting). I took a break before going to community college, which put me in the weird age group where I was a bit older than most of the students and too young for the folks who enrolled to continue their education.
Had a lot of work buddies who I thought were pretty close, but after I left that job the replies slowed down and eventually stopped. I guess the shared suffering was the common bond.
It used to really bother me, but by now being in my almost mid-40s I'm pretty used to it and enjoy the peace.
ThisIsACompanyCar@reddit
I have one friend that’s for life, but honestly he’s more like my brother than my friend. Closer to me than any of my relatives other than my husband and kids.
I struggle making and keeping friends. I’m so so at acquaintances and work buddies, but struggle tremendously with surface level friendships. If I can’t be my authentic self, then we can’t be friends.
I’m weird. I’m kind of loud. I’m sarcastic. I quote song lyrics. I have 5 kids (all over 18 now) and 5 dogs. I love to laugh and make myself laugh all day long. My authentic self is too much for many people and I’m ok with that.
LetsHookUpSF@reddit
Hi!
elmoosh@reddit
All I have is my partner, my mom, and my sister. Perfectly content. Sometimes I wonder why I never bothered keeping up any friendships over the years but I guess I never got close enough to anyone. Plus most of them were related to jobs and common interests, and also I’ve moved around a lot. I enjoy my solitude and sometimes I do worry that I need more relationships but at the same time I feel like if I’m content the way I am, why rock the boat.
taleofbenji@reddit
I can relate. Some of my most meaningful interactions are on a private Reddit sub.
geriatricxennial@reddit
I was always that friend that provided safety, security, and stability because I lived with my awesome grandparents, grandpa was a retired highschool teacher. My room was like the island of misfit kids who just needed a place to crash, a meal, or a hot tea with grandma who would always show interest and caring for the people I hung out with. However, I was never really and have never really been attached to anyone cause I was always the person that mended relationships and built bridges then got squeezed out, so everyone thought I was just this good person who was independent and didn't need anyone on my team. I didn't think I did, until I hit my 40s and after moving around for years, changing careers, and finally finding stability, I realised I have no idea how to make or have friends now because it seems everyone just needs people for purposes but not just because they want to spend time together sharing interests. I miss those moments with people you were fascinated with, having long deep conversations about weird shit, making mixed tapes/cds for each other. When did we get so old? haha
HappyKadaver666@reddit
Always had friends - not sure if they were the ones I wanted or needed - but I’ve had some great times with some awesome people. Still have friends but I just kind of want to be alone more now. I feel like I’ve spent a lot of my life living like an extrovert and now I want to lean into my true introvert self hard and just read and hang out with my dog on the weekends.
ladypartsmcgee@reddit
I'll give a little TMI - but somatic therapy, and a long-ass therapy journey overall healed this for me. I had an unshakeable core belief that I'm not the right kind of person... for so many things. Took lots of layers of therapy (IFS AND EMDR) and some psilocybin for it to get down to working on that core belief. I'm still working on it, but it has unlocked so much self-compassion which in turn unlocked confidence, and this feeling of being the wrong kind of person for close friends or the litany of other negative self-beliefs I held on to for so long is largely gone.
Striking-Access-236@reddit
Always struggled with making and keeping friendships...especially now with a busy career and family life. I do think about my friends and make plans to contact them almost daily...but dont ¯\_ (ツ) _/¯
TomPalmer1979@reddit
You mean autistics? Yeah we're all here.
AshDogBucket@reddit
Growing up... whoever i thought of as MY best friend, already had their own best friend who wasn't me.
I could go on but I think that pretty much sums it all up.
paperbasket18@reddit (OP)
Absolutely same!!
civilSurvivorMum@reddit
late diagnosed ADHD and self dx’d ASD. I have trouble making and keeping friends. I also lack object permanence which applies to humans, even humans I love, and there are people I adore who I haven’t spoken to in years because we are not in close physical proximity. (and then of course if someone tries to keep in touch with me, I am not great at maintaining it, usually forget to respond eventually, then I get embarrassed, and then I feel guilty and so I just don’t ever reply). It helps to know there’s an actual “why” behind my not having many friends now, but as a kid I was a just considered a misfit and bullied from kindergarten through to 9th grade. I did have like one or two close friends that I’d considered my best friends, but I was not theirs.
Munchkin531@reddit
Yes! Growing up I had a few close group of girl friends. I think we all liked each other, but I never felt a part of the group.
Then I got bullied at church! I went every week, sang in the choir, was in GA's, etc but the other girls constantly picked on me. I'm still not sure what I did wrong. It has made me bitter even 30+ years later.
High school I had a few close friends but we drifted apart after graduation. In my 20s and 30s I would make friends but they never seemed to last despite my best efforts. Then we moved and Covid hit which didn't help.
I have my sister and my husband as my best friends. I've come to accept that I will probably never have a close relationship with anyone woman and that's ok. My sister lives an hour away and she's married but dealing with her own issues. I'm glad I have my husband and kids. I'll just go read my book and try not to be sad.
trainwreckhappening@reddit
I have no friends. My wife has friends. I have people I'm friendly with. I have no emotional support other than my wife.
lobsterbandito@reddit
I can relate. I've been good at surface friendships in my adult life, but I have 1 or 2 good, close friends that I've known for years. As an introvert with ADHD, that's enough for me.
Rhapsodyingloom@reddit
I can relate. My parents were dingy hippies with mental issues that decided housing was optional. The result was being moved around a lot and difficulty keeping friends. I developed social anxiety and ended up retreating into online spaces for socializing over the years which has given mixed results. 👀
flowbkwrds@reddit
I've found other misfits and became friends with them. There's few people I have much of anything in common with but getting involved in the arts community has helped make new connections. I've taken notes from other friends who are really good at making friends. They put themselves out there and keep inviting people to meet up for different events and they keep in touch with everyone. It does take effort and you pprobably won't get the same effort in return, but if friends are iimportant to you it's worth the work.
crazycatlady331@reddit
Hello.
I was the kid who was invited to things as a cruel joke.
Rhapsodyingloom@reddit
I can relate. My parents were dingy hippies with mental issues that decided housing was optional. The result was being moved around a lot and difficulty keeping friends. I developed social anxiety and ended up retreating into online spaces for socializing over the years which has given mixed results. 👀
Lumpy_Branch_552@reddit
I can totally relate. Also tried to fit in with the punk kids because I thought punk was accepting of everyone who didn’t fit in but they didn’t like me either. Couldn’t really adopt the social tone and clothing and I guess that mattered.
GentleVice_-@reddit
I totally get you feeling like an outsider really sticks with you, doesn't it?
paperbasket18@reddit (OP)
It sure does.
schwarzekatze999@reddit
Me. I've had a lot of friends over the years but they didn't last. I made a couple good friends as an adult but even those are waning. I'm not really into keeping up with friendships at this point and all the drama that can come with them.
elonmusktheturd22@reddit
No friends as a kid, basically i was butters on south park, forced to be around a group of cartmans and thinking they were friends but didn't know any better because i had nothing to compare it to.
Was called tracking, schools group kids of similar social economic status, and similar expectectations. Smart kids in one class ir a table, the dregs from low income single mother families get grouped together with no expectations of success, just kind of put in the back so not to disrupt the better kids. I was with the same group of shits in every class every grade and treated like crap by them and had nothing to do with any other kids growing up.
Was also the poor kid who dug through the trash cans and ate moldy food brought from home. My abusive father was the schools day janitor and beat me in front of other kids and teachers so everyone knew i was a consequence free target to abuse.
Didn't have friends after high school, nor in college, lacked any social skills or was trained wrong as a joke.
Only had friends in my late 20s and not many, i was avoidant of people and very distrusting. Im still friends with 2 of them, lost the rest over the years, usually because they stole and lied and screwed me over.
Specialist-Leek8645@reddit
I feel ya. I never figured out how to make friends. You caught me doing exposure therapy. I feel naked on here but I'm trying to make a effort. When I got dial-up it was a life changer. So much easier to write than talk to ppl.
Just_Another_AI@reddit
We're here (in droves, apparently). As a kid, we moved when I was 13, so I had to make new friends in school, which was fine, but different than all the kids who had friends that they had grown up with.
As an adult, while I do have a few friends that I'm friendly with but nit suoer clise, if that makes sense, I really only have one true close friend, and I'm very fortunate that she's also my wife. It's pretty much the same for her, and both of us agree on our feeling that since we have wach ither, we don't really need any other close friends.
pavilionaire2022@reddit
I was a misfit but I had misfit friends.
thoughtfractals85@reddit
I had 2 friends in highschool. We talked after graduation for a while, but not anymore.
I realized a long time ago that I only had friends to play with when I was younger because the neighbors took pity on me. I was the kid from the obviously abusive household so they let me play with their kids, sometimes fed me, took me swimming or to church things. They were really nice.
Now I have no friends but I'm mostly OK with it.
adamcmorrison@reddit
I dont have any friends near me I have some back home. I dont have any friends that would reach out to me first but I have friends I could reach out to first myself. So yeah not doing great in the friend dept.
throwawaytoday9q@reddit
This was me. I struggled with friendships my whole life. When I was young I had some acquaintances but nothing ever really stuck. I was smart and that made me a target for bullies.
In high school I was depressed and stopped trying. I thought that if I played dumb I’d fit in better. I was edgy. Alternative rock was my life. I hated my parents (and not without good reason, also).
Still, I managed to keep a couple of acquaintances past high school. Then, when I was well into adulthood and finally worked up the courage to come out as transgender, they signaled their support and immediately stopped talking to me. I haven’t had a friend outside work since then.
cybah@reddit
I feel this post alot. As the only out gay dude in the early 1990s in high school I was chastized and left out. I was always.. and felt like "the weird kid no one liked". I often was invited to things out of sheer pity, and later found out much of my extra curricular activities (i.e. Peer Outreach, Football Manger, etc) was all given to me out of pity. Not that I was liked. (this crushed me a few years ago to find this out)
Moved away and found my gay posse. But even then in gay world, its not that great. I am a big fat guy, which doesn't go over well in gay world if you don't have abs. So I was chastised again.
In my 20s I did have a large peer group, but over time people a) got married b) moved away c) died d) or just migrated away from the group. Now I realize I am the only one left living in this city out of the 30 or so people I knew in my 20s.
As I got older, it just became harder and harder to make new friends. A lot of people I meet are just out for some fun (a hook up) and don't want much more than that. Many have partners so anything outside of getting nekkid, is a non starter. Then add me leaving social media, and I was just completely forgotten about. Every so often I get a "oh why weren't you at such and such part". Uh.. I wasn't invited. *shrug*
I try not to take it personally but as I get older, I need more people to interact with besides my coworkers. I also live alone and spend much of my free time alone.. and frankly, its getting lonely. I no longer drinks so going out is almost a non starter (my tolerance for drunks is low). So I am at a loss.
So I feel ya.
bizh_gki@reddit
Generally always been someone looking off to the horizon and wondering at something. Many social conventions typically seemed like BS to me. Wrote a family Christmas play when I was something like seven years old and my dad had to put an end to it for being too offensive. No prom. No senior photo. When I’ve tried to be funny and kid others, my jokes have been too sharp and hurt people’s feelings. It’s just from not fully understanding why mocking someone is funny.
Plenty of distrust in me. Life’s circumstances have reinforced that. When someone is nice to me, I am suspicious. If I’m becoming friends with someone, I’ll generally find a way to establish boundaries and have them looking elsewhere. Toxic people are always looking for suckers. Flattery and vanity are dangerous pitfalls.
It can be said I have some issues, but it works for me and then some. Always been a loner with few to no friends. Ain’t worried about it as far as I know.
springsummerfall2016@reddit
When I was younger, I had friends. In middle school and high school, I had people that I thought were friends but really we were just acquaintances. Once I left high school, none of those people cared enough about me to get in touch and I didn't either. In my 30's I tried to reconnect with them and they weren't interested. We are Facebook friends, nothing more. I met my current best friend through someone I used to work with. We had all gone to school together but we weren't friends in school. Ironically, we aren't friends with the person who introduced us to each other. It's difficult as an adult to make friends. In my area, I've seen on Facebook where people have asked for others who interested in making friends to make a group that meets at a local coffee shop, library, and even the gym. My issue is that once I'm done working on Friday, I just want to relax. Going to those places on the weekends just isn't a priority for me at this time in my life.
Low-decibel@reddit
Haven't had a birthday party since 3rd grade (no one came, and everyone has a excuse) it was may ffs, picked on and beat to a pulp throughout school, I dont have friends, I dont try to make friends
And being a latchkey kid in my mind made it worse because there was no structure except for farm work
Organic_Popcorn@reddit
I have two friends from high school that I'm in contact with, and also a few acquaintances I know from previous jobs.
Gian_Luck_Pickerd@reddit
https://i.redd.it/c09ka1y864zg1.gif
Deep-Interest9947@reddit
I had a million friends growing up and in college, but I always had one closest friend at any given time. Then when those relationships fade out i replaced with a new closest friend. As an adult I had some pretty good friends but they were usually neighbors or coworkers, and when they were no longer neighbors or coworkers, those friendships ended too.
I talk to my sister a fair amount, but never see her. I have some friends at the dog park but we mostly talk about dogs. I’m friendly with my neighbors on either side but I’m not interested in getting closer. But I don’t really have any friends I trust now.
realauthormattjanak@reddit
I personally have a small core group because that's how many people aren't turds. Like legit friends. Also I'm pretty fucking weird but only a couple people know it.
brokenman82@reddit
I have 3 friends and they all live in different cities than me. I have zero friends within 80 miles of me