This week is the Hospice’s Dying Matters campaign and the theme is “Let’s talk about Death and Dying”. What is your story around death, dying and culture?
Posted by SaysPooh@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 106 comments
The mission of Dying Matters is to break down the stigma and taboo of talking about death and dying. But sometimes, it’s hard to know where to start.
27% of people find it hard to talk about death with family or friends, and 30% bottle their feelings up. If we don’t talk about death and dying and bereavement, it can be harder to cope when we experience it.
Uhura-hoop@reddit
I just want to add that seeing a close family member’s body after they died helped me. I was able to kiss and touch them and say a goodbye to the physical presence of that person. I think a lot of people baulk at that, but I think it helps you subconsciously to accept what has happened.
Hippadoppaloppa@reddit
This is quite common around the world. Over here we shy away from death and I'm not sure it's very healthy tbh.
decidedlyindecisive@reddit
My grandma said she regretted touching my dead grandfather, said it would haunt her for the rest of her life. She said he was cooler and felt "wrong".
I kinda know what she meant. I took my dead cat to the vet's van moments after the cat had been put down and I really wish I hadn't. My cat was warm but way too loose, like she was made of custard
flyingfoxtrot_@reddit
I wish I hadn't seen my grandad. He looked wrong. It disturbed me a bit.
pennydogsmum@reddit
My Mum is dying, we have maybe a few days. She has nodded off and I'm sitting reading this thread. It feels simultaneously like what I need today and a punch in the gut. So many things feel like some surreal contradiction at the moment.
Its good that there are campaigns like this. We need to be better at talking about and normalising the things that happen around dying. I have found it easier because I have encountered it a lot at work, although it is very different as the family not the professional.
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
I am so sorry, these must be difficult times for you and I hope that there is someone who is there to help you. I think that going forward you will be comforted that you were able to be with her in her last days.
pennydogsmum@reddit
Thank you, there are. She passed last night with us there with her. Grateful to be there in her last moments.
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
Thoughts and best wishes to you all
knotsazz@reddit
Death is just part of life. It’s sad when people go but if it’s sudden or peaceful it’s ok. What I find hard to deal with is suffering. Watching someone suffer for months when you can’t do a damned thing about it is excruciating.
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
Yes, there’s a whole conversation in there 🥲
ButtercupBento@reddit
I have had the privilege of being with lots of people as they died and soon after due to my job. I’m grateful that my career has normalised death for me so I don’t have any fear about it. The only concerns are how my death happens and the run up to it, and how people close to me will be at the time and after. I’m actually interested in finding out what happens next if anything. I consider myself lucky that I don’t have the usual fears and can talk and think openly about it. It’s something we should all do more
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
It sounds like you are in a good place in respect of your relationship with death and dying. Death Cafes are good places to explore your thoughts and hopes
alacklustrehindu@reddit
Lost my dad in 08. Mum in 15. My greatest nan in 18. Everything before I turned 30.
Nothing can hurt me anymore
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
I am sorry, it is so tough losing your elders and caregivers
MrsKToBe@reddit
I lost my beloved Dad in 2020. It was five days after my wedding. He was terminally ill so we knew it would happen at some stage but he held on long enough to do the one final thing he had promised me- he walked me down the aisle. I was very much a daddy’s girl so this meant the world to me.
I was on honeymoon when he passed away so I never got to say goodbye, but I got to see him in the funeral home. I felt strangely peaceful doing this but my goodbye to him made my mum and her friend cry!
I had a big part to play in the funeral- my dad was Irish Catholic and I, as the only practicing Catholic in the family (my mum isn’t Catholic and neither of my siblings practice) helped arrange the funeral Mass and got up and did a reading. My husband (while we were just married, we had been together for fourteen years) along with my brother and two adult nephews, helped carry the coffin into the church. I’ve never got over losing him and I’m not sure I ever will to be honest.
I’m a student nurse now and my special interest is end of life care. I saw a couple of deaths on my last placement but purely from the medical side- the actual process of the body shutting down fascinates me.
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
Thank you. I am glad he was there for you and you were there for him.
EdanE33@reddit
It wasn't until I became carer for a friend with terminal cancer that I learnt what 'anticipatory grief ' is. Nobody ever talks about it but you end up grieving twice, once while they're alive, and again when they die.
Loose_Avocado4670@reddit
This.
My nan has late stage alzheimers. She can't do anything for herself and dosent know who her family is. Her body lives on but her mind and soul died years ago.
AdaandFred@reddit
I found I had such conflicting emotions when my MiL died. We'd had the anticipatory grief then grief at her death but also a sense of relief that she wasn't in pain any more.
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
It sounds hard. To me they do feel more like complimentary emotions.
MelodicAd2213@reddit
Had the same with my dad who had a dementia related condition. Over 14 years we lost him little by little, grieving on an ongoing basis. When the time came it kind of drew a line; the grieving didn’t stop but it was like reaching the summit. That’s really hard to live with and my heart goes out to those experiencing and who have experienced the same ❤️.
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
Grief is so painful but so important. Thankfully it is so much more recognised now and help groups are springing up all the time. I am sorry for your pain
rizozzy1@reddit
I’ve lost my father, mother and sister.
I wasn’t with my mother as she died, but my father was and he broke to news to me. That one felt surreal as she’d been critically ill for years.
I was with my sister along with the rest of the family as she passed. It was very peaceful and in a side room.
I was alone with my father when he passed away. We were in a manically busy hospital ward, but that strangely helped. Just him and me having our last moments with the world carrying on around us.
I told him it was ok to go, that I’d got everything with his house under control and I could handle it, and that his beloved garden was being tended to by a gardener. I told him I loved him and I’d miss our funny bickering arguments. He went peacefully as I held his hand.
His was the most heartbreaking, but also the most natural feeling one.
He was there when I was born, I was there when he died.
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
That is so nice of you to share. Good memories of his life and a shared end to his journey too. Thank you
rizozzy1@reddit
You’re welcome, thank you for reading my reply.
I do agree it’s good to talk about death, it’s going to happen to everyone at some point.
HugsforCuddles@reddit
I nearly died 3 years ago. Got my Will in order straight after plus compiled a few files with household and other info for husband like insurance in case needed it in future. We also wrote down what songs and readings we would like at our cremations. Feel a bit more prepared practically. Spiritually went into existential melt down for a while but came kinda out other side after a while. Being Buddhist I liked the framework for death, rebirth etc logically but hadn’t really meditated on it enough for it to make a difference to my heart. I’m a lot more ok with it all now but still hope I enough karma for a longer life as not even 50 yet!
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
I hope so to and I am glad you came through. I suspect that life is far more vivid for you now
I_ALWAYS_UPVOTE_CATS@reddit
When my grandad's time was up, he went into hospital with pneumonia but they soon told us that his body was just too weak and he wouldn't recover. Before he fell asleep for the last time, he held my hand and looked at me in a way that told me he knew this was it, and I'll never forget those moments.
I can't fault the staff at the hospital, but the 'solution' for him was to withdraw food and fluids, and wait. He clung on for a week. I've no idea how much, if any, awareness he had at any point during that time, but eventually the death rattle set in and that was that.
When people oppose assisted dying, I'm betting few of them realise that we already have it. Except, instead of a dignified end when there's nothing more that can be done, people are simply left to waste away.
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
I am glad you were there. Assisted dying is such a difficult subject for many as they come from different places. I remember though that the campaigner Diane Petty saying “if I can arrange my death, then I can get on with my life”
Forgetful8nine@reddit
Kind of funny that today marks the 14th anniversary of my grandmother passing.
At the time I was about 3/4's of the way through my first appointment as a cadet at sea. I was working with the Systems Engineers that week. I got en email asking me to ring home ASAP. I was on my lunch break anyway, so I popped up to the sat-phone. Rang home to be told the news.
I was off the coast of Oman at the time. No chance of getting home, because she wasn't an immediate relative.
One week later, I received another email. My other grandmother had died. I was still off the coast of Oman and still couldn't get home.
I had a feeling the first one was coming, so I said my goodbyes before I left. The other one? She'd been fit as a fiddle - a damned sight healthier than the rest of us.
Sadly, I wasn't able to attend either funeral. But, I know that if I had come home early for the funerals, then both grandmothers would've haunted me for the rest of my life! They were incredibly proud of what I was working towards.
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
That is a good to see past the death and feel what they would have wanted. Have you considered having a small ceremony sometime to say your own goodbye or perhaps plant a tree or put a plaque on a bench - only if you feel the need to though.
Forgetful8nine@reddit
I was able to write and send a small eulogy which was read out at each funeral, and a copy was also placed into each coffin on my behalf.
The crew on ship were amazing. The senior officers checked in on me frequently and I was allowed to use the ships primary sat-phone rather than the welfare (capped at 30 minutes/week). I just wanted to keep working, so they found me "busy work" - which was exactly what I needed.
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
How wonderful - I am glad that you were able to do this and that you had so much support
buy_me_a_pint@reddit
I did a placement years ago in a funeral directors I was doing my NVQ in IT, the training provider arranged our placements at various companies across the city where we live and whether we were doing IT, admin, food technology etc.
I drew the short straw of the funeral directors, I was very limited what I was allowed to do, I did see a few dead bodies , in fact on the first day I was asked did I want to see a dead body
I can see remember some of the type of funerals you can have
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
That could have been quite traumatic. I hope you were able to cope ok
buy_me_a_pint@reddit
It was okay
I was even asked to test one of their environment friendly coffins out so my two colleagues could have a practice lifting up a coffin
Nobody wanted to do their placement at the funeral directors , I certainly did not want mine there, it was bad enough where the home was in the city
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
You did good and it will stand you well in your future
magicmischieflumos@reddit
I lost my nan (who was basically my mum) at the beginning of the year. I was very upset and made it clear I wasn't doing well. What struck me was how uncomfortable other people were about acknowledging that it's upsetting and sad to lose someone. The amount of "she's in a better place" and "at least she's with your grandad now" was ridiculous. What actually made me feel better was my friend who said "that's really shit and my hurt".
People always had to "find the positive" or the bright side. Sometimes people just aren't in the space for find the bright side yet and need empathy and acknowledgement of their feelings
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
Although they might have a good point, it’s important to remember that we all feel death differently and that it the living we have to care for
Legit_Vampire@reddit
I wanted to leave my body to science so thought it only fair to ask my husband and son minded ( given there would be no funeral etc and I'm aware people often see a funeral as closure) they said they accepted my wishes. Tbh when I read the we accept/we do not accept I decided not to. I sat with mother in law, Mom,Dad & Sister as they passed. I was glad I was there holding their hand & talking to them. My sister's funeral cost around £3500 7 years ago. So I suggested to husband about a direct funeral, we asked our son if he minded, & he didn't so that's what we've sorted for both of us. For me death isn't feared, I just hope it's not painful.
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
I think it is good to be considerate of those who will be left behind especially of their emotional needs
Legit_Vampire@reddit
I had a friend who lost both parents in a car crash. They had made no plans after their deaths and the 3 children had to find a massive amount for a double funeral. I wouldn't want my son left in that position. He will have our ashes to do a he wishes ( I e told him he can throw they away if he wants to, not being awful but I believe in an after life, so the ashes will only be what I've left behind on earth, I'll be on the other side so won't need it.
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
I think you are right. The ashes and their disposal are there to comfort those left behind in the way that they want to. That said for some it is important to express their wishes. The film "Bridges of Madison County" has a nice beginning and end wrap about the ashes of a couple who loved briefly.
Legit_Vampire@reddit
Never watched it but may well give it a go
Hefty_Peanut@reddit
Me and my husband had to prepare our 4 year old from his hospice death- cancer. My advice if you need to do the same is to explain what is going to happen in a way they can understand without using euphemisms like 'going to sleep' or 'going to a better place'. Make sure they can ask questions, visit often and give them the freedom to grieve in their own way. Our child wanted to see his body afterwards and that helped her to say goodbye but that might not be what all children want to do.
We also completed a book called 'dear dad' before he passed which is a book with questions children may have for their dad that they can answer in advance. There are book options for other relatives like mum and grandparents with the same principle in mind. Another book recommendation is called "when dinosaurs die" which explains death in a neutral manner and goes through how lots of different cultures grieve. It's by the same author as Hey Arthur and did a great job at explaining grief feelings as well.
DollySheep32@reddit
It's relatively recently that we started hiding death. In Ye Olden Times the body was laid out in the house, prepared by (usually) the women of the family for burial, and visited by friends and family of the deceased. Then everyone gets pissed at the wake after the funeral (I absolutely did at my grandma's wake, pretty sure I drank a bottle and a half of bubbly and was sick as a dog). I can't speak for other cultures and religious practices outside of Catholicism tbh.
(I could go on a whole TedTalks about the industrialisation of the funeral business and its birth in the American Civil War but its probably not the most exciting topic to a lot of people).
AutomaticInitiative@reddit
My mother died from Motor Neurone Disease at the age of 53, 9 years ago. I still can't talk about her without getting emotional and probably crying. Grief never really goes away and it's hard to talk about with people unless they've had it themselves.
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
However old we are we always miss our mothers. I am sorry for your pain and loss. I hope one day you can hold the grief in a way that is less painful.
wendz1980@reddit
I’ve had the problem privilege to be with my Gramma and my mum when they passed away. We had months with my Gramma but only days with mum. The grief was so different.
I’m also an ex NICU nurse and I’ve had the honour of doing last offices more than a few times. Not many people get to do that.
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
A privilege indeed - thank you
VxDeva80@reddit
My sister was diagnosed with glioblastoma, to be honest she handled it better than me. I cant imagine being told you have a completely incurable illness.
She had good and bad days, her husband and young daughter gave her a reason to fight.
I watched her pass away, although whilst she was having the fit, we didnt realise that was it, until the fit stopped and she wasn't breathing.
Her skin seemed to change straight away, its hard to describe, but I didnt like it.
Some relatives did visit her in the funeral home, I chose not to, I'd said my goodbye.
I wish I believed in some sort of afterlife, but I dont. But I know she is out of pain now.
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
It will be a life long comfort to know you were there. I think in this infinite universe that there’s as much chance as not of their being an afterlife. I am open minded on the subject. There’s a poem that I like that makes me think and makes me smile:
“Instructions before visiting Earth” James McCrae
limboxd@reddit
Not necessarily an actual death but the conversations around it. I can tell your off the dome most of my close families wishes for after death. We have had quite a few conversations about it and my grandparents are pretty content joking about it which I don't mind too much. I currently work in Cancer Services for the NHS so admittedly death to me is pretty much a daily thing but I do thing there is some peace to be had in reading some patient's letters. Seeing what they want to focus on and more surprisingly a lot of people are quite content with the concept on the whole.
That probably doesn't make a lot of sense reading back but I think I got my thoughts out
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
It's good to try and articulate one's thoughts around death and dying. I wonder if your grandparents have different conversations when they are on their own.
Papertache@reddit
Anything death related is pretty much taboo in my culture. Luckily my mum is more open minded and we've had conversations about what she wants in the future.
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
I wonder how many other people in your culture also break that taboo and have conversations. I am glad you have talked
Retrogamer2245@reddit
Our family doesn't cope well with death. It's something to be hidden away, talked about in metaphor and ignored. When it happens, bar the kids from the funeral so they don't see the grown ups crying. It's left me with serious mental health problems as an adult because the death of a close family member was treated as a taboo rather than a natural (albeit sad) part of life.
All I can say is how important it is to include children in the mourning process. Teach them it's okay to cry. I wish it had been more supportive when I was a kid.
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
i am pleased you have recognised that and want to change it for you and your children
MissingScore777@reddit
My entire life is just trying to distract myself from the finality of death. I've struggled in the past with extreme anxiety, hyperventilating and panic attacks just from thinking about death.
I'm doing a little better now but I still probably shouldn't be engaging in this thread. I think I may classify as having Thanataphobia but I've never been officially diagnosed.
I'm never going to be able to engage in the kind of open dialogue OP or this campaign would like but I hope it's useful for others.
bobble173@reddit
I feel you pal, I've had CBT for it which didn't help. I'm in this thread trying not to really think about the finality of it.
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
i do think that it's not good to try and dwell on the finality or try to conceive it - that way madness lies.
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
I remembered this Ted Talk. It might be too much for you at the moment but one day when you feel a bit more at ease then it might give a different insight https://youtu.be/IkeuKPZxEhM?si=1DoErlu_rxxPbyzR
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
I hope your journey gets less painful
brittafiltaperry@reddit
I'm weirdly okay with death. Dying scares me.
I've watched family members waste away. I know people who died in car accidents. I know people who had sudden heart attacks in strange places. Regardless of if it's slow or long, I can't imagine the fear.
Death itself seems peaceful and calm.
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
I agree. I think the fear of dying is a common feeling. It's difficult sometimes to know when dying starts. I think it's important that we enjoy this "one wild and precious life" as much as we can.
PhilOakeysFringe@reddit
I don't think I'm afraid of dying, I'm afraid of there being nothing after this life.
Have_Other_Accounts@reddit
I'm kind of the opposite. I'm okay with there being nothing, if anything I'd prefer that over any form of reincarnation or coming back.
I'm scared of how long and painful the process of dying is. Like it's a gamble, we don't know how we'll go and not many of us are going to have idealic peaceful passings.
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
and yet some of the nicest times in our life are wheb we are asleep
hadawayandshite@reddit
It’s a common one, I take ‘comfort’ in the fact that I won’t be actually experiencing it…even though it fills me with dread at the same time
Long_Day9450@reddit
My grandad was terminally ill, and he was able to die at home. A lot of his family members were there. He was well out of it but we were able to tell him we were here and that we love him - they say that hearing is the last sense to go. The hospice nurse was subtly around in another room and came in to close his eyes and call the funeral directors for my grandma afterwards. She was a blessing, so understated and behind the scenes for us at the time, and gently ushered us into another room when the funeral directors crew arrived to bring him into their care.
I now work in funerals and can only hope to make things a tiny bit easier for people at their time of need, by giving them all their options, taking as much as I can off their shoulders, and being a steady presence to guide them through a difficult time.
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
That sounds like your positive experience had helped you in your present work.
Long_Day9450@reddit
Right you've commented about a 'positive' experience more than once when saying about people's loved ones dying, is there any more obvious AI?
MelodicAd2213@reddit
My first memory of death was around 5 years old and was my mum telling me my granny had gone to heaven, much easier for a child to digest, leaving the earth but still retaining presence in spirit form elsewhere.
We then travelled to Ireland for the funeral (which I didn’t attend) and mum took me up to see granny laid out in her coffin in my aunts spare bedroom. I can still remember it fairly clearly, the coffin was lined in pink satin, granny was in a nice nightgown, with a Bible in her hands.
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
That sounds a good experience, sounds like your mum got that first introduction to death about right
SamVimesBootTheory@reddit
So for me, my mum passed from cancer a couple of years back.
And for me I found the actual 'my mum is dying/has died' wasn't the hard part. I think I'd sort of subconsciously done a lot of mourning before she'd actually passed. I also tend to process a lot of emotional stuff more internally.
I'd also realised I wasn't someone who like really externally grieved based on what'd happened when my grandmother passed some years before, but also it was a similar way in that I think I'd processed it long before it'd happened my grandmother had alzhemiers and/or dementia so in a way the version of her I'd known had long gone (I think she lived at least another decade post diagnosis as I think the last time I'd really seen her was around the age of 11 and she'd already seemingly forgotten who I was) and in a way it was similar for my mum as she had breast cancer that somehow spread to her brain so in the last couple of months it did feel quite 'She's not really there anymore'
But for me I found the hard part was this like pressure to 'perform grief' if that makes sense, Like for me the funeral didn't really help and just felt like I was on show for a bunch of people (even though I know it wasn't about me) and it was also a general feeling during that time that even though my mum had passed I was basically being expected to prop up and deal with other people's emotions whilst not really being given much support for myself. It also felt very backwards as I am the youngest child but somehow it was like I had to support everyone else.
I know the adage is you need people around you but for me I was feeling suffocated and wanted space, (Probably didn't help it was a lot of people I really didn't know well)
I will also add I have since been diagnosed with ADHD and Autism so I have a hunch that that also likely impacts how I process death and grief and all that.
Long_Day9450@reddit
I'm sorry for your loss. I just wanted to say that I also hope it's like the Discworld way of things, that perspective really shaped my view of it all as a young person, and now I work in funerals, I feel that it allows me to offer the most empathy I can to the families I serve. Wherever you're going, that's where you'll go. GNU
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
I think a lot of people who have experienced a death will recognise what you say - thank you. Grief will come when it’s ready and not before. I had a policeman friend who had to go to a particularly ugly killing. He did what he had to do composed and functional. Later that day when walking home he saw a childs doll abandoned in a hedge - he just cracked and cried like he had never cried before. Grief has its own way
mcglash@reddit
My lovely kind clever funny grandad died, I was at university, nobody told me. Before the era of smart phones. Still there.
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
I am so sorry, that is hard to not have been told. Must have been a shock and a difficult time.
Deep_Banana_6521@reddit
I lost my dad in 2021 to cancer, he was 65. When we got the call from the hospital that he was "on his way out" we rushed to the hospital and, thanks to some kind nurses, we had a small room where we stayed with him for almost 3 days, just being there with him. He couldn't say much and slept for most of it. I was sat to his left and he died looking me in the eye and holding my hand and it was bittersweet as he had been in an incredible amount of pain for a long time.
We sat with him for about 3 hours until we informed the nurses, we were all holding his hands and kissing him on the head and saying goodbye. I saw him 2 more times in the funeral home and that was very strange. In the hospital he was still warm and human looking, but in the funeral home he was ice cold and his hands were hard as stone, it felt more like a dad shaped wax model.
I think about him every day, I have a hand print we did of him in the hospital above my desk, and his ashes and a painting of him on my mantlepiece.
Thankfully my partner lost his dad when he was 17, and my 3 sisters are all very good at talking about their feelings so if I'm ever feeling low, I know 100% I have people to talk to.
I had a colleague who lost her father last year. She was the same age I was when my dad died so I was expecting her to take some time off and grieve but she didn't miss a beat and didn't say anything at all for months. She even said I was too sentimental when I booked my dad's birthday off work to go spend time with my family, until last month when it was her dad's birthday and suddenly I get a massive outpouring of grief and emotion from her, finally taking me up on my "I'm here to talk if you want it" and we had a really nice talk about death and grief and how we can cope.
I think the worst part about it was all my life I had this great fear that one day I was going to get a call saying he's had a heart attack or murdered, but instead he just faded away. We were with him every step of it and I think if he had died when he was big and strong and not a frail little skeleton, it might have been easier to deal with. 2020-2021 was a real rough year.
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
Thank you for sharing your experience. It must have been a difficult time. It’s sounds though that you got a lot of understanding and peace from the experience.
dlt-cntrl@reddit
I always talked to my parents about death and dying. They wanted specific things for their funerals and what they wanted to leave people. They had wills but wanted to make sure everything was in place. It was devastating when they died, but having spoken to them about it for years it was easier for me to accept.
My brother couldn't speak to them about it and he's still coming to terms with it years later. It didn't help that he was on holiday abroad when our father died, he was very ill but it was still out of the blue and sudden.
I'm not worried about dying, it's inevitable. I had a serious health issue years ago that was 50/50 if I would survive, that gives you some perspective.
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
Yes it must. I think (hope) it also shows how lightly we must hold life and how intensely we must enjoy it
anonoaw@reddit
I’ve developed a real fear of dying since having kids. Especially since my own dad died when my eldest was 9 months old. He was only 58 and I was 26 and now the idea of dying and leaving my kids behind - even when they’re adults - terrifies me.
Tape_Badger@reddit
Same but one of mine has fairly significant needs due to surviving a brain tumour. She's incredibly vulnerable and will only be moreso as an adult. I worry terribly about her after we die. It will be bad enough if I'm 80 and she's 55. If we died tomorrow, we don't have family who can adequately support her needs, nor friends. The kids would likely end up either with unsuitable family members who will worsen her trauma and capacity for living, or in the state system, which will have the same effect.
My husband found a dodgy mole a couple of weeks ago. He needs a biopsy. I don't know if I can do cancer of a close family member again.
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
I remembered this TED Talk, If you feel like watching then it could give a different insight https://youtu.be/IkeuKPZxEhM?si=1DoErlu_rxxPbyzR
hadawayandshite@reddit
I was 35 when I am determined to live until they’re at least 50 (so people are stuck with me until I’m at least 90)…but then I’ll have grandkids so I’ll want to stick around longer
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
I don’t think anyone does not have some fear, it’s natural and to some extent helpful. Hopefully though that by embracing that we will die we then appreciate so much more the amazing life that we have and the people in it
DogtasticLife@reddit
So my Dad died 2yrs ago (82yr old) my Mum called me at 2am to say he’d “died in his chair”. About 20mins later I arrive and she opens the front door and my Dad is sat in the stair lift just behind her. Freaked me the fuck out as I’d assumed she meant his armchair in the living room but no he’s just sat slumped in the stairlift, right there.
Cut to 2hrs later and we are stood in the hall with 2 paramedics and 2 police officers having a conversation while my Dad is still sat there. He was a grumpy sod so the whole time I’m expecting him to lift his head up and tell us all to bugger off. It was totally surreal and I’m still processing…
SamVimesBootTheory@reddit
In the lead up to my mum's funeral my brothers and I got in an argument over something, my mum had had a buzzer and I'm sure there's a very mundane explanation but whilst we were arguing said buzzer just went off randomly and it really did feel like it could've been my mum's last message to the universe was telling her kids to shut the fuck up.
MadMaud49@reddit
My dad died just over 9 years ago on 7th April 2017. He was 82. He died at home with me, my mum, my brother and my brother's partner by his side. Mum was laying on the bed with him and I was holding his hand. We told him we loved him, that it was OK to let go and that although it was hard we would be alright. When we were sure he had gone, I called the home care team at the hospice who were supporting us and someone came to verify death. I then called the Funeral Directors my parents had chosen to use. My brother and I continued to sit with dad until they arrived to take him away - it just seemed wrong to leave him alone. We also viewed dad's body in the Chapel of Rest, the day before his funeral. This was actually far harder - by then it just didn't feel like I was looking at my dad. Any sense of who he was, spirit, or whatever you want to call it, was gone. As awful as this experience was, I feel privileged to have been able to do this. The experience brought us closer together as a family. We talk about dad all the time and sometimes discuss those last few tricky days. Sadly, our wonderful local hospice has recently had to cut its hospice at home service due to lack of funds. They have also had to cut back on the number of beds open for inpatient care. They are wonderful and should be funded by government.
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
Thank you for sharing your story. I am pleased it was positive and had good outcomes.
I think hospices are so important, i fear though that anything government gets involved with doesn’t work out as well as it should. Hopefully more people will consider a legacy to support their work
seola76@reddit
When my parent died (early, very fast and totally unexpectedly) they both agreed to keep it from my brother and I until it was happening. We knew they were ill in hospital but not the severity of it. Why they thought this was a good decision I have no idea, it wasn't.
They still died, we still grieved but it meant that we had no control over anything that happened while they were still alive, not even my own response to it. Any stress they spared us at the time is insignificant to the frustration of knowing that during the last days where our lives overlapped I was obliviously going about my life as normal.
It's not something I feel passionately angry about, but I firmly feel it was the wrong decision. It should've been something we could all go through together.
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
I hope it helps that they did think about it and tried to consider you. I suspect that their decision came from the ideas around death and dying from their early days. It must be hard though and I am so sorry for how it has impacted you. I think though that you will use the experience to consider how you do/do not involve your own family/friends in your death.
seola76@reddit
Yeah, I don't think they had time to fully think about how things would play out.
As I said I'm not angry, but hopefully people can use it to consider the importance of talking about death. It's not going away.
catjellycat@reddit
Having watched my dad die, I’ve told my family they do not have to feel obliged to be with me. I understand more now the people who wait til everyone’s left the room and then go.
I think people had this idea that we have to comfort those as they pass and the peaceful bit where he was laying there and I could talk to him about stuff we’d done was great. The bit where he was actively dying was horrific and my brain has done a great job of forgetting it unless I try really hard to remember it.
I also didn’t go and see him afterwards and I sometimes feel bad about it but I also know my brain would have really held onto that too and I didn’t want that to be the picture that popped in my head about him.
I also think funerals are too expensive and I’d far rather my kids took the £5000 and went on holiday. Ship me off, get my ashes back and take me somewhere nice. Don’t pay a hotel for shit buffet food and people talking about the traffic on the journey there.
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
I also think that dying people feel they have a responsibility for those who remain
hadawayandshite@reddit
I’m going to struggle- I’ve never had anyone close to me pass (well a good friend at work-which I was sad about and sometimes think ‘she’d love this’, ‘what would she say’)…but I don’t think I’ve ever had that ‘loss’- like someone fundamentally missing
I tend not to miss people e.gz those that have moved away, when we’ve broken up etc …so I do worry when I have a loss it’ll be the first time I truly feel this feeling and I won’t be prepared
LoudAd5346@reddit
In a recent episode of The Pitt, there was a scene that has stuck with me. My simplistic way of remembering it is, "Love, Thank, Forgive & Repent."
I'll shamelessly copy and paste a Google summary:
In the TV show The Pitt, Dr. Michael "Robby" Robinavitch (played by Noah Wyle) shares a powerful, four-phrase, end-of-life reconciliation ritual based on the Hawaiian practice of Hoʻoponopono to help loved ones find peace.
The four phrases are:
"I love you" "Thank you" "I forgive you" "Please forgive me"
cold_tap_hot_brew@reddit
I was with my grandma when she died. As much as it hurt that she died, I’m glad I was there for her. I gave her permission to rest, I told her I was there, I held her, stroked her head & kissed her as she died. She was there and then she wasn’t. Seeing that was part of the process of saying goodbye.
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
So pleased it was a positive moment - death should be i think
cold_tap_hot_brew@reddit
Positive moment might be pushing it. Dignified & personal is more how I would describe it.
It was in an NHS hospital and when I went to tell the nurse, she came in with tears in her eyes & made sure everything was in order.
The NHS is a wonderful resource filled with really good people doing good work. Thanks to anyone who works there & support folk in times of need.
ceb1995@reddit
My dad's death was my first experience and that was when I was 9 years old in 2004, sadly at the time the medical professionals advised my mum that I shouldnt be affected to much and to leave me to get on with it. Thankfully advice has massively changed since then as their assessment wasn't true at all and I had to work on it a lot myself.
I think I ve been to around 15 funerals now at my age and I probably seem very practical and less emotional with death than other people might expect but I don't remember much of my life without grief in it and I really do agree we need to be a lot more open and factual about it as a society.
SaysPooh@reddit (OP)
The more we accept our death then hopefully the more we enjoy our life. We only have two lives and the second begins when we realise we only have one
pineappleshampoo@reddit
Went to a death cafe once. Was really cool, just a space where conversations around death and dying were facilitated. Really good to think about my wishes, what I would want to happen to my body and possessions. This was when I was 28, I made a note of my wishes and passed it along to a few close friends in case I die any time soon.
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