Pilots that are fathers, how do you balance the work life with your family?

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Key is to build life from the start with being a pilot in mind. The end goal should be a family (spouse + extended family in proximity) that are independent and helpful enough to cover while you're away. A lot of Aviation Induced Divorce Syndrome is because someone in the chain wasn't on board with the lifestyle. Either stay at home wife can't take running the show alone or the pilot can't keep their pants on at work. Or neither has a support network to pick up at least some of the slack.

Also understand that nothing is 100% perfect. I work at a long-haul airline and we're gone usually a minimum of a week at a time, usually two+. That's tough especially for families with little kids. Yet, we don't seem to have an abnormally high amount of divorces or even unhappy home lives. The ones that succeed here are the ones that a) recognize it's an unconventional life and b) take advantage of it for what it is. Two weeks gone sucks but then you're home for two weeks or more. I have this entire month off!

So if you take the good with the bad it could be amazing. Like, take vacations any time you're home, not just during vacation weeks. Be 100% present for your kids and give your better half a true break to make up for being away. This isn't the 1950s: being Mr. Mom is the manly thing to do, fellas. Get involved with PTA, host weekend BBQ parties in the summer, take the kids camping while your spouse goes to a spa. It won't be a conventional life but then, who really wants that?

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gardenofsmegma@reddit

I think, like all things in a relationship, its about communication and a lot of it is on the spouse. It has to be a joint decision and understanding. I am in the process of starting training to career switch and my wife is very supportive. She knows I will be away for stretches, but when I'm home, I'm 100% present. Thats in contrast to a typical job in my field of work when even out of office hours I would be taking calls, sending emails, working overtime etc.

She currently also works full time (from home) which is fine for now, but we also discussed that in the future once certain goals are met she would transition to part time or quit entirely. The most important thing is communication and realistic expectations.

Its also important to realise (from my understanding) the first couple of years of your career with an airline isn't indicative of the rest. You will have low seniority and may be working weekends and Holidays. Once you have seniority, there is a very good chance you could be working week days almost exclusively.

TL;DR: The grass is always greener, in many ways as a pilot you may be present with your family more than a typical job at a similar pay grade. Communication is key.

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MarthaKingsButtplug@reddit

Which family? The legal one or the other one down in South America?

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IrresponsibleCHAOS@reddit

I started my career in the military. My older kids were born while I was still on active duty. I missed births, holidays, birthdays... The switch to the civilian side felt like a fucking vacation in comparison (I crossed directly to a legacy carrier and could skip the grind of CFII or at a regional). Sure, being away multiple night a month from my family sucks, but once I was of reserve days off became predictable, I can still call every day and days off are actually free days. Now with some seniority and on the WB side life is pretty decent. Yes, I'm gone 2.5 days every week on average, but the rest of the days leave me with free time for my family. I can coach my son's baseball or soccer team, go to school functions, read to my other son's preschool class every other friday as a reading buddy. I can take my kids to school and pick them up. We play together, run errands. I cook for my family every night I'm home. I definitely have more time with my boys than their friends' parents who work in finance, big tech or healthcare.

Obviously this will depend on some factors. I live in base. I usually leave the house an hour and a half before my reporting time. I also have some seniority now/am ok with working some holidays and starting trips on sundays. And the biggest factor (because I fly WB) is I can sleep in the bunk and barely feel the jetlag. Europe or Asia doesnt matter. Doesn't really affect me. Yet. My recovery time is short.

There're definitely more family friendly jobs out there. But in my VHCOL area most parents, especially the dads, work super long days, 60+ hours a week. I think I have the better deal for equally good money. My

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RaptorO-1@reddit

Did you go straight WB or NB for a bit then switch? I'm mil and looking to make the switch in a few years (Mil has been rough once we started having kids)

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IrresponsibleCHAOS@reddit

When I made the switch nobody in my class was going straight to WB. Everyone went NB FO either on the bus or the 737. That's still the case now (as far as I know), but obviously all this is always subject to change. If you get WB FO right out of indoc you most likely will be sitting reserve for a loooong time. Like yeeeears. Depending on your airline and how quickly your seniority number goes up. You also fly a lot less on the WB side. Especially as an FO. I fly four to five trips and average two takeoffs and landings per month. Less if I'm unlucky or the CA just hates my face. On the NB side I would be flying more like 2-3 legs a day. And coming from fighters I needed that experience. Definitely spend a lot of nights away from my wife and kids. Including weekends and holidays. But still better than 18 hour days and calls from my CMC at 3.30 in the morning about AM3 Fubar who got a DUI on base, then tried to run from the MAs and crashed his car. And somehow this is my problem now. Good times, good times.

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TuckNT340@reddit

Hold off on kids till you’re comfortably holding a line where you plan to stay, or, find a significant other who understands the lifestyle and is ok with it.

Make sure your other half has family/support close by. Like her family.

Once you have seniority and a large pay check- it’s pretty easy. Work 6 days a month, home the rest bring net 30K+ a month. If you keep your mouth shut people will think you’re a stay At home dad and mom makes the money.

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Flying21811@reddit

Cart b4 horse bro relax

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KJ3040@reddit

New father here also new hire at a legacy. Hardest time of my life.

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space_rhinos@reddit

You got this man, at least you recognise it’s hard and that shows you care. Work through it communicate as much as you can with your partner and you will make it work.

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SnazzyStooge@reddit

Hang in there, brother — you’ll find your groove. Life gets better! And if it doesn’t, make changes so it does. You got this!

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Apuonbus@reddit

I have a job with a flag carrier/national airline (not in my own country).

Contract is 20 days on, 10 days off, they provide tickets for me back home

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refl8ct0r@reddit

depends very much on the spouse. if both of you enjoy the occasional time off each other, great. you can look for an airline where turnarounds are more often and you’re back home most nights. or get into long haul where you’re away few days at a time but back home for a longer stretch and see what works for you.

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Scormunch@reddit

Not airline but a corporate long range jet. I'm currently typing this in Sydney, AUS after FaceTiming my wife and kids before bedtime on the east coast US.

It's not always easy, and if I was doing trips like this constantly it wouldn't be the job for me. The trick is having a rockstar wife thats independent enough to handle life while you're gone, and being present while you're home. My particular gig does 2-3 week trips twice a year, and then I'm home and OFF 24-25 days per month the rest of the year.

While I love what I do and the experiences I'm able to have with this job, the family always comes first no matter what. My wife knows I would step on an airline tomorrow and leave this behind in a heartbeat if it was best for the family.

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Street_Asparagus@reddit

I am 33 been at the same airline in North America since 25. I had my first kid at 27 and second at 31.

I am scheduled for 13-15 days a month which includes 1 or 2 union days (I do work for the pilot group). So flying wise I fly 12 days or so a month, away for 4-8 nights in total.

My current city does not have any simulators or training opportunities. But if you do live at the company’s HQ you can teach ground school and sim. Those in my company that do so are basically home every night and fly a few times a month. Also you can also go into management where you can WFH a lot of the month.

There are ways you can find ways to have more time at home and also be a pilot. You just need to find them.

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jigglypiss@reddit

In the US? Live in base and bid reserve

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CannonAFB_unofficial@reddit

Don’t ask me. I have AIDS.

Aviation Induced Divorce Syndrome.

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LongJohnMcVenturson@reddit

Hello fellow AIDS enjoyer. I was forward thinking and got AIDS as a CFI. I recommend getting one under your belt prior to airlines.

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Working_Football1586@reddit

You learn a lot from a practice marriage

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gromm93@reddit

Heh.

My father always said that smart men learn from their own mistakes. Wise men learn from the mistakes of others.

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LongJohnMcVenturson@reddit

Give it time, you’re still a student.

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gromm93@reddit

I'm also 50, which should have been your first assumption, when I've been married this long.

I know that the first part of whatever years I have left in my career is going to be very difficult, but both my wife and I have a handle on how to have a relationship just the same.

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LongJohnMcVenturson@reddit

All in jest sir, best of luck to you!

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CannonAFB_unofficial@reddit

Oh wait no one is saying they haven’t been married for 22 years. If we’re able to combine events.

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HoldinTheBag@reddit

Also decided to divorce before the paycheck got bigger. It’s much better to do it in that order

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__joel_t@reddit

I hear it's something you can get multiple times....

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MrFoolinaround@reddit

Wings aren’t permanent until your first divorce.

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CannonAFB_unofficial@reddit

Those were my CSO wings anyway. New pilot ones came with a newer model wife too.

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AlexJamesFitz@reddit

An airline pilot made this joke at a high school career day, and I knew in that moment that if there was such a popular term for this, it wasn't the career for me.

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Frosty_Piece7098@reddit

It’s tough. If you have a supportive spouse and live in base or have an easy commute, you will see your kids more than most other dads, at least till they go to school. However, there were times in my career that I wasn’t home much, which I regret. However, when home I’m home, no client calls or last minute shit that I have to pull a laptop out for.

Bottom line is that while you are home be the best dad you can be.

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antoinebk@reddit

I had 3 kids as a low-cost (EU) FO living in base and I would see them at least 2-3 times more than my ex-wife whom was a lawyer.

I’m now a major airline NB FO living a 1-hour flight away from base. They regularly forget I have a job and I’m the one getting called by their teachers when a field trip comes out.

It’s f’ing great if you’re in base and/or not chasing money.

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-Lowly-@reddit (OP)

While aviation money is good, I understand it takes so long to get to the “good money” it’s not even a focus of mine anymore. I’d be lying if I said the big airline checks didn’t draw me in, but I’m in the industry more for “love of the game” for lack of a better term lol. Is there a way to choose your base or are you randomly assigned it?

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gromm93@reddit

You're also 19, and unless you're planning (or...uh, not) on having kids before you're 30, getting to the big leagues before you're a parent is very doable. You can expect to make it somewhere between 5 and 10 years.

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antoinebk@reddit

IMO, the important benchmark is making « enough » money and that’s obviously very subjective. But, the lower it is for you the easier it is to reach. I’m in the EU so I was hired in the right seat of an A320 at 250h in a good airline so it was definitely much easier for me than it can be in the US.

Base selection in the US is seniority based.

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turpentinedreamer@reddit

Most young people see the guys flying widebodies around the world raking in money and forget there are plenty of pilots making a good living without breaking their backs for it.

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Slippery_when_RA@reddit

I’m so excited that this job allows us to go on school trips with kids. My parents were self-employed growing up so they were almost always available. It was a blast going to museums with my dad and my friends.

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antoinebk@reddit

Yeah it can be amazing !

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JTitleist@reddit

I work less than 3 days a week. Everyone else I know works closer to 5. Seems pretty easy to me.

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Unfair-Bison-3946@reddit

I work ten days a month and I'm home every night. You just have to find a lifestyle job. Once my baby gets a bit older I'll go back to my airline job

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RaidenMonster@reddit

You can make more than most other dads and have more days off to boot.

Make sure your wife is emotionally independent. Nearby family during the young years of childhood is a huge help. Live in base and bid accordingly to prioritize QOL.

Things like “Christmas is on the day we say it is, not always the 25th,” can be a huge help too. Trip starts on the 24th? No problem, my son’s letter to Santa asked if he could come early because I’d be gone. What do ya know, Santa showed up early.

2 things I thought about.

First, a 3 day trip ain’t shit compared to 14 months in Iraq getting shot at and those guys have been doing it forever (soldiers going to war).

Second, all high paying jobs require a sacrifice. Doctors, lawyer, big bank, whatever, all require time, debt, schedule sacrifices that are going to make family time hard even if you are “home every night.”

Jobs with no sacrifice are comparatively easy, and hence pay like shit.

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deDoxx982@reddit

Speaking as a pilot’s son, probably the most critical thing you could do is find the right partner. My mom grew up a military brat and is incredibly independent. She was always fine handling my brother and me when he was gone. I’m not an ATP myself and doubt my own partner would be able to handle the lifestyle if I changed my mind about my 9-5 office career. Hell we don’t plan to have kids but I doubt how good of a dad I’d be UNLESS I became an ATP.

With a partner who can handle things fine when you’re gone, I always imagine this is a fantastic career for a parent. You have days or up to a week+ at a time with the family, not just 2 days on the weekend or having to take PTO and worry about things at the office you’re coming back to. The only time you take work home is when you’re doing recurrent training. You basically get to be fully present for your family when you’re around. But it comes back to having the right partner with mutual trust between you and someone who doesn’t need you around every night.

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NonVideBunt@reddit

Live in base and drive to work.

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Gutter_Snoop@reddit

Yeah man, it's hard. Like, capital all the letters hard.

If you're extremely lucky you'll find a good spouse who can deal with your sorry ass and the kid(s) for those away stretches when you aren't reachable or physically useful. Most of the time it requires help from family also. It does "take a village" as they say.. if nothing else, there are support groups out there.

Best of luck man. It's a career that relies a lot on passion, and unfortunately passion seldom aligns well with reality.

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ShIVWilton@reddit

Totally agree. I moved my family back to be near my in-laws after the military and it helped a ton.

It is very different for those who have a spouse that works full time vs stay at home. And IMO from a solely financial aspect, if you’re at a legacy with young kids then your spouse needs to earn at least 6 figures otherwise you’re just burning yourselves out more. The pilots with stay at home spouse can pick up with more flexibility, earn more cash, and aren’t missing their entire family by working weekends. When your spouse works a M-F you need to chase seniority to get the best schedule and forget premium trips if you actually want to see them. You can have a good QOL but it doesn’t happen accidentally.

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noideawhatsupp@reddit

I’m going to piggyback on this comment: Married with someone in the industry and currently doing a 7 hour commuting 20on 10off job (since just over a year) and it’s weighing in.. The time off is usually quality time but when it’s not it is hard to justify. Like others said it can be amazing when you are enjoying the right Gig but awful if you are not. Also lots of people have AIDS ;)

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-Lowly-@reddit (OP)

Thank you so much

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Mental_Ambassador444@reddit

I used to be a teacher, though it seems like an ideal job to have with kids around, it would have been terrible due to all the extra work required after school and at weekends, though at least it would help with childcare during holidays.

I was working for a European low cost when I had my child. It could really vary. When not busy it was great, I had a lot of time at home and while at home I didn't have to worry about work. When busy I had times when I woke up and they're at work/school then got home and they're all asleep, repeat 4 days, have 2 days off in which I'm a zombie recovering from lack of sleep, then repeat all over again. I could pretty much go a week barely seeing the family!

Now in long haul I find it's a pretty good balance. I spend about 3 days away then get 3 days at home, which isn't a bad ratio, and again while at home I don't worry too much about work. The negative is I guess, when away I can't do much to help, like recently when my wife called to say our child was in hospital due to an accident, it was 1am, and there wasn't anything I could do but sit there and worry.

Long story short, all jobs have their positives and negatives but being a pilot certainly isn't the worst out there for being with children. It does unfortunately require an understanding partner who is happy to have complete care at times, and then you can take over completely at other times.

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Roger_Freedman_Phys@reddit

A fatherhood experience unique to pilots:

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DX15W5rAo3Y/

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Flimsy-Ad-858@reddit

Happily married NBFO, wife is SAHM.

When you're home, be home. Don't have a side hustle, don't let the spouse change all the diapers, make it clear that you're putting in the work when you're there. She'll be putting it in when you're not, and while you don't need to "compensate" for anything, she could use a breather when you're around.

A lot of the divorced dudes I fly with seem to be that way because they worked too much (skipping a premium trip is less expensive than a divorce) or didn't want to do dad shit when they were home. If I'm gone for 4 days, spend my 3 days off hunting at the cabin with the boys, and then go back out for 4 days, yeah my wife is going to be annoyed unless she's got backup via the in laws or something. I know it sounds simple but you'd be amazed how many people just can't wrap their heads around it.

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TripNo1876@reddit

High seniority FO. I get all the vacation weeks I want, all the days off I need. I am missing the pay, but I can always make more money. I can never get the time back.

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Kartoon67@reddit

I had a trick for big events. If I wasn't there they would enjoy another one with me present.

They liked it so much that almost wished I was gone to be able to enjoy two Christmas or birthdays in a row...

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BigJellyfish1906@reddit

Live in base
Live in base
Live in base.
understand the contract so you can manipulate your schedule around your personal life.
Once at your destination airline, don’t chase the paycheck and upgrade at the earliest opportunity. Take advantage of the schedule control of being a senior FO.

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CatchMe_If_YouCan@reddit

3 kids with 1 on the way. My first line in my bid is min credit. I am home usually like 16-18 days a month. I am a stay at home dad more than I fly.

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JewofTVC1986@reddit

When your home your home. It’s the simplest way to put it.

Don’t manipulate your schedule prior to a discussion (just like when scheduling screws your schedule, don’t do that to your spouse).

Shared google calendars are a godsend

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JT-Av8or@reddit

My wife was essential. The kids and home were taken care of by her and she was absolutely critical to being the center of the home. Our kids are adults now, one with a son of his own, and we’re all still close (as close as adults in different states can be) but it was thanks to her. They’re great people because “mom” was the constant in their lives.

It’s sad too, how much shit she took from women saying “oh, you’re JUST a housewife” as if she was “lesser than” because she chose to take on the most important role a woman can take, instead of just slogging it out at some faceless corporate job which amounts to nothing at the end of days. Sure she has a small business now that the kids moved out and she’s having fun working but the main successes were the Easter egg hunts, the Halloween parties, Christmas cakes etc and things she did while I was gone (which was A LOT). So yeah, I have to give it up to my lovely wife who was 100% the reason why the kids aren’t messed up.

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OtterVA@reddit

Yes, let your family life dictate what you bid for instead of the money. The guys I fly with whose kids associate being a pilot with absent parenting are usually the ones who upgraded asap for the money, commute for the money and pickup extra flying at straight pay for the money.

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officialchairforce@reddit

Be upfront with yourself and your partner about what the schedules will look like. My wife knew what she was getting into and has been with me since I was a student pilot in college. She worked full time until we had children, and now works part time so that she’s able to care for our family and house while I’m gone.

That being said, when I am home, I am home. 100%. Not groggy from work earlier in the day, but fully present to be with my family. I prefer it this way. She has friends and family, and is not too introverted, so she does well on her own

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B_O_A_H@reddit

Would you be willing to share some details about your lifestyle? I’m slowly making my way through a part 61 program and would like to eventually go to either the airlines or corporate. I have been open and communicative with my girlfriend about my plans since my discovery flight (which she came along for, her first time off the ground) and she is very supportive. Do you fly airlines or corporate? Are you in base or do you commute? Hold a line vs reserve, etc.? Only if you’re comfortable answering, I don’t want to pry.

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officialchairforce@reddit

I’ll PM you here in a few hours so I don’t dox myself 😂

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-Lowly-@reddit (OP)

This is really good advice. Thank you

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pvsmith2@reddit

I met my wife when going through regional upgrade training and am now a "senior" fo at a major. She knows the life and we agreed that when we had kids she would stay at home with them. Salary at a major is definitely sufficient for this, we have two kids now and it can def be hard, harder for her in my opinion. But it allows us to live a fairly mobile lifestyle. We have plans to move to a base and get a few more hours a month at home. As for on the road, we video chat when the time zones match up and text all the time. She has family around her who can jump in if she needs help.

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skyHawk3613@reddit

I’m home every night and work less than my wife

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Professional_Tap_980@reddit

I fly long haul flights most of the time so I’m usually away for 3 days per trip & in total, I’m away for only half of the month. These times lost with your family have to be made up with the other half of the month that you have with them.

You’d have to have a very understanding partner & support systems for when you’re not there. I’ve flown with so many pilots who are divorcees & I’ve flown with so many who’re happily married too.

It’s tough but it’s doable for the tough ones.

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nkawtgpilot@reddit

Live in domicile and work in the training department. I’m pretty much every day and then fly a couple trips here and there when I want to

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bluesguitarbro@reddit

Background: my family has quite a lot of history working with airlines. My grandmother was one of the first flight attendants in my country, and actually was the model on the flight info cards. My mom, and her sisters worked as flight attendants for a while (my mom left before she had me). Close family members on both my dad and mom’s side worked as flight attendants and ground crew. My dad was a pilot ALL my life growing up, up to when he got sick at 59 years old and was forced to retire in 2019.

My dad was away A LOT and missed a lot of big events. Birthdays, Christmas, New Years, graduations. I actually don’t think my dad ever got to attend any of my graduations. Now that I’m in my 30’s, I can see how that would have been really hard for him. However, for my brother and I, it was normal. Dad was home when he was home. When he was flying, he was flying, if you understand what I’m saying.

My dad was lucky that my mom really held everything together. End of the day, if you have kids, and you’re away often and possibly unpredictably, your partner really has to take a lot of the family’s responsibility to support you. I think my dad was lucky with my brother and I too. We just naturally understood that this was the way it was and never had any negativity towards him not being able to come to this or that. My dad was always upfront about his work and schedule and he also always made up for it.

My parents were superheroes with how they managed to raise us and still have my dad chase his lifelong dream.

TLDR; having a good partner and having good kids that will back you up is the only way to make it work - sincerely, an airline brat

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Yak_52TD@reddit

I couldn't. That's why I don't fly anymore, I couldn't have been as involved as a dad that I wanted to be and I saw far to many divorced colleagues. I'm still in aviation, but not flying. I miss it, but I'd have missed my wife and kids a whole lot more.

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Apprehensive_Cost937@reddit

I work for an airline, that has preferential scheduling (only work morning shifts) and part time on top of that, so it's pretty easy, and I get to spend nearly every afternoon and pretty much all evenings at home.

But that is pretty rare in the industry. You'll be less disappointed, if you plan to be away 15 days a month.

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JohnKayne@reddit

Badly LOL!

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thanksforallthetrees@reddit

When I’m home I’m really home mentally as well. Not bringing any stress home or emails or paperwork to do, only a bit of studying here and there. I do all my workouts, solo time, gaming, hobbies and sleep ins when I’m on the road. Wide body type flying is good for that, plus plenty of days off. Sounds like you’re starting young so you’ll have some good time to get senior and off the terrible beginning pay and schedule. Don’t forget about moving abroad and flying in the Middle East/Asia as an expat. Once you get 1000 Jet time the world starts to open up.

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thanksforallthetrees@reddit

I have more time off than anyone I know. I have a “weird” airline job (Asia contract pilot commuting contract) but I make enough that my wife doesn’t work and she happily relocated to Asia with me. We’ve been having a blast raising our 1 year old. Choosing a partner who is ok with moving for your career, and isn’t too attached to her friends and family being in the same city is key. Partner will need to be ok being alone with the baby. I recommend you prioritize living at base near the airport, those extra commute hours/days will take up a lot of free time.

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Working_Football1586@reddit

I make slightly less money flying where I do but I work 7 on 7 off and can live wherever I want and its great. My wife works full time and travels a lot as well and just schedules it on weeks Im home. During the summer I travel a lot with my kid. The biggest part is having a spouse that is independent and doesn’t need you around 24 hours a day. Some people can’t handle that you just gotta find the right one or have a practice marriage so you know what to avoid.

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Thewolfofsesamest@reddit

I work a pretty decent corporate gig that up until now has allowed me to watch my daughter grow up and be a normal father. Medium COL area and heavily weighted to "being present" as a father and husband.

Recently they hired a new DFO who is divorced and has nothing but aviation to keep him fulfilled. Unfortunately the changes that are already being made to the schedule and lifestyle look like I may not be working here much longer.

It is what it is but Ill quit flying long before I give up my lifestyle. The unicorn jobs are out there if you find one hold on to it!

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rFlyingTower@reddit

This is a copy of the original post body for posterity:

I am 19 and currently in flight school. I absolutely love it and it is definitely what I want to spend the rest of my life doing. That being said, I understand it’s not the ideal occupation to raise a family in. Maybe I’m looking into it too much, but I do want to eventually grow a family one day. Do you guys have any tips on being a good husband and father as a pilot? Thanks in advance

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