ULPT: How to get exempted from military check up
Posted by ProfessionalHunt8834@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 70 comments
We have mandatory military service here and it's so awful and inhumane and i'm trying to get exempted so i can get a job.
pretty much only severe cases get exempted like someone missing a limb or something, but i found out that if you have severe depression/ social anxiety then you might be able to avoid, i'll be meeting the therapist tomorrow and i need some advice on how to fake those symptoms or show them that i'm unfit.
stabbingrabbit@reddit
Just become a medic and conscientious objector.
ProfessionalHunt8834@reddit (OP)
you can object to do the service, but then you won't be able to get any job or travel
WorldsMostDad@reddit
What country is this? Also, what are their views on homosexuality?
nothanksd00d@reddit
Egypt. Horrible views.
WorldsMostDad@reddit
Could you pretend to be gay?
nothanksd00d@reddit
You could but it'll land you in a world of shit lol. Most people do the exact opposite, really.
NoContextCarl@reddit
Just show up with shit in your pants. Then proceed to shit your pants again during the check up. Claim you can't control it. You're welcome.
jessewalker2@reddit
Ted Nugent, is that you?
tobias47reaper@reddit
PISS AND SHIT YOUR PANTS!!!
Adminisissy@reddit
Commence the mandatory term then Negligently Discharge your firearm a few times and act like you can't be trusted with a weapon. You're not going to be much use to them if you can't figure out safe handling of weapons.
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Fitz911@reddit
Do you really need all of your limbs?
adognameddanzig@reddit
Maybe be gay?
ProfessionalHunt8834@reddit (OP)
i'll get my ass beaten and possibly jailed/killed if i tell them i'm gay, being gay in egypt is illegal
adognameddanzig@reddit
Looks like asthma and being overweight is an exemption. Also being an only son.
GaGa0GuGu@reddit
is it that rare to be an only son in Egypt?
Moofishmoo@reddit
Clench your arm muscles when they do the blood pressure machine. It'll make it go up. When you go visit the therapist tell them you hear voices. Voices that tell you to shoot friends, shoot family and you resist them but you're scared what you'll do with an actual gun. These voices just sound like someone is talking to you. But there's no one there when you look. You've been hearing them consistently for 3-4 years but sometimes they're more quiet.
GaGa0GuGu@reddit
damn stupid voices, I have no gun to shoot my friends with
should've been asking to stab them with a knife 12 times or beat them with stones, idk
it would have been done already
blissvicious91@reddit
all of these tips are so violently american, sorry op
No_Week_8937@reddit
One of my brother's friends got out of it by acting mentally unwell. Apparently one of the things that had been suggested to said friend was to dress inappropriately for the weather. So if it's hot as hell wear layers, or if it's cold and snowy go full Canadian with shorts and a T-shirt.
Generally the advice I've seen is to clearly be extremely mentally unfit for duty. Seem like you can't be trusted to dress yourself in the morning, never mind be handed a weapon.
Diamond83@reddit
This is a good direction, take it up a knotch by bringing a gun shaped pillow/ stuffed toy with you to cuddle as a “support pillow” and make sure to whisper to yourself multiple times “I’ve been dreaming about this day for so long” and giggle
blissvicious91@reddit
nah they encourage that behaviour in egypt
No_Week_8937@reddit
...if I were doing the review I'd definitely exempt you for that. I may think you were potentially faking, but I don't think I'd take the risk.
However, I think personally, if I were doing that option I would bring a banana and hold it like a pistol and do the same thing. Easier to find on a day's notice than a gun shaped pillow.
Diamond83@reddit
Make sure you point the banana at any family photos in the room and make a quiet bang bang and then apologize saying “sorry it’s a bad habit of mine”
ss_BoxCarRacer@reddit
Have autism like me
ProfessionalHunt8834@reddit (OP)
that would be too hard to fake
Diamond83@reddit
Just buy that canned fish that smells so bad it’s borderline illegal to open in most places and rub some on your pits before going and claim intensive B.O
wowhahafuck@reddit
I think you’re thinking of Fika fish which is indeed the most horrendous smell
SocialHumbuggery@reddit
Fika means having coffee :D Maybe surströmming.
No-Town5321@reddit
Get one of those Japanese pillow wives and bring her with you to your appointment
superstud666fromhell@reddit
Study what Ted Nugent did to avoid military service. Do exactly what he did
susanrez@reddit
Bite your finger nails while you talk. Then catch yourself and try to stop. Like tuck your hands under your thighs.
Then unconsciously start biting them again. Catch yourself doing it, get frustrated and shake your hands angrily and shove them back under your legs like you’re punishing them.
Keep repeating this scene over and over with more despair maybe even getting up and pacing a bit to stop yourself from nibbling at your nails.
If the person examining you asks about it, act like it’s no big deal, just say it’s a bad habit you’ve fallen into that you’re trying to break. You’ve had other bad habits that you’ve been able to break and you’re certain you can break this one.
When he he asks what other bad habits say how you went thru a time when you pulled out hair on one spot on your head until you had a bald spot but you broke the habit by tapping your fingers together when you wanted to pull your hair out. Then the finger tapping led to unraveling your shirts by pulling threads out but you had to stop that pretty quick so you switched to tearing up paper….
Just have a long crazy story memorized that leads to the fingernail biting. Tell it like you’re proud of solving a series of problems but what you’re really doing is laying down a history of severe OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). You can’t serve with OCD. OCD can be”cured” over time. Meds can be flushed down the toilet every morning instead of swallowed while you’re being ‘cured’.
Tell yourself the story over and over so you know it like you lived it.
BasketBackground5569@reddit
Obesity. Time to get fat.
pobnarl@reddit
flirt with him, im guessing they dont let gays in the military there
Exciting_Lychee_7847@reddit
Do you have any scars? I had some SH scars (im a lot better now) and was turned down from the military after I had mentioned it.
Reclining720@reddit
What is so awful and inhumane about it?
ProfessionalHunt8834@reddit (OP)
wasting 2 years of your life doing absolutely nothing useful other than licking the boots of some fuckers, doing 16 hours shift, no phones, horrible food, intense training...etc
Reclining720@reddit
You sound like someone who wont score well on the entry testing battery, so you'd have an MOS that doesn't take a lot of brains.🤡 Did you watch a lot of 1950s films and think that's still how it is? 😆
BigBoyBoulevard6@reddit
Thats it? For only 2 years? And you ruin your life if you fuck up trying to get out of it?
Maybe just do it? Any job you get will involve licking boots, especially when you are young. And you will certainly appreciate the training when you are older and actually know how to take care of yourself properly and keep yourself healthy.
Granadafan@reddit
Do what fake American patriots do: claim bone spurs or shit your pants during the medical examination
Law_hacker_1000@reddit
Do you have a friend who has a wooden baseball bat?
iH8MotherTeresa@reddit
If you're in jail, are you still conscripted?
BruceRL@reddit
I would guess based on the mandatory military service requirement that your country likely isn't particularly LGBTQ friendly. Can you dress like a woman (as long as you won't get killed walking to your appointment)?
ProfessionalHunt8834@reddit (OP)
you you nailed the getting killed part
BruceRL@reddit
Wow sorry.
Ok, then here are your crippling anxiety symptoms. * Say you are sleep-deprived and thus constantly fatigued which means you struggle to think clearly and make decisions. Your anxiety means your mind is constantly worrying you so you can't go to sleep when you want to and wake up randomly when you do get to sleep, but also fall asleep randomly at inappropriate times because you're constantly fatigued. If you drive a car, then tell them that often you drive somewhere and have no memory of having gotten there. Same for if you take the train. * Your anxiety makes it hard to communicate in uncomfortable situations (such as the interview). You stumble over words trying to think of what to say, use a lot of placeholder words (in the US we say "um" a lot), it just takes a lot to make a coherent sentence and actually get it out. You can't hold eye contact, and at the floor and around the person but not at them. * You are having severe social problems in your life, basically no friends or romantic partners, because it's so hard for you to interact with people and people generally just don't like you because you are weird and don't communicate well. * You're having trouble at work and maintaining your household because it's hard for you to make all the daily decisions needed to maintain all these things. This also impacts your cleanliness and hygiene... It would not hurt to wear dirty smelly clothes and smell a little bit yourself and have messy hair.
MjrGrangerDanger@reddit
OP is going to actually be sleep deprived to do this (they can tell). OP will also have to know if they can deal with the testing to determine if they have a sleep disorder as well.
Plus any background checks with family, friends, online, etc and potentially military police following him around.
NoVelociraptorsHere@reddit
Unethical pro tip:
Why bother faking depression when you can fake paranoid schizophrenia with homicidal tendencies?
Or, if that is the type they are looking for, shriek loudly every time you see something move.
ProfessionalHunt8834@reddit (OP)
they will detain you in a mental asylum if they think you'll harm yourself or others or have suicidal tendencies.
they'll do brain scans and stuff so they'll know that i'm not insane, and i don't have a medical record of insanity
yourdonefor_wt@reddit
What country is this?
ProfessionalHunt8834@reddit (OP)
Egypt
NoVelociraptorsHere@reddit
Less facetiously, I assume you have already considered all of the legal exemptions from service in Egypt, including being an only son or the supporter of your family?
Do you have any covered health condition exemptions, such as asthma, obesity or cardiac issues?
Persons with dual citizenship can also apply for exemption. Canada has pretty open immigration at the moment, for “legacy Canadians.” Do you have any Canadian ancestors?
The popular rumor in the US is that would be draftees used to shoot themselves in the foot, but our military now cheerfully enlists people with prosthetic legs, so that doesn’t even work here anymore.
ProfessionalHunt8834@reddit (OP)
yep i checked every single possible avenue, my only hope is being mentally unfit
NoVelociraptorsHere@reddit
I do not know what the standard depression and anxiety assessments contain in Egypt, but in the US it is often a small quiz with a series of questions.
How often do you feel unwell? How often do you have trouble sleeping? Do you ever think of harming yourself?
Standard depressed people feel very unwell, have trouble with sleeping and eating either much too much or much too little, and the thoughts of harming yourself question is often a yes, but not everyone admits it. If they ask if you are hopeless, yes. If they ask if you see a good future for yourself, no. Basically think what a person with no hope and no enjoyment of life would say.
Does being in public spaces make you afraid/anxious? Does taking tests make you afraid/anxious? Does being around crowds/ noises/ unfamiliar surroundings make you afraid/anxious?
Yes, yes, yes, if you have anxiety everything or nearly everything makes you afraid.
How do you cope with hopelessness and fear?
The mentally unwell answer is that you don’t cope- you binge eat or or stop eating entirely, you go days without sleeping (or sleep for days), you think of destroying your property.
Obviously it would be mentally unwell to confess to a desire to harm yourself or others, but you will be confined for that.
You can, however, say that you have never felt well or safe or hopeful or joyous or ok.
lonlylilacleprechaun@reddit
A mentally unwell person would completely abandon personal care, unbrushed teeth, unshowered, tangled hair, rumpled stained clothing, dirty fingernails, crusties in corners of eyes, perhaps a little makeup to mimic shadows under the eyes, maybe pick at your face a bit...
NoVelociraptorsHere@reddit
Abandoning personal care is definitely something we see with severe depression. OP should go without sleeping before his eval, wear the same clothes as yesterday with no deodorant or brushing of teeth, and only the most minimal effort on hair- push it backwards with your hand so it’s not in your eyes, and you’re done.
NoVelociraptorsHere@reddit
Depressed people also often present with a “flat affect”- a lack of facial expression or consistent bored/tired expression. They usually take longer to respond to others (about the time of a slow blink), unless extremely angry.
Anxious people overreact to things. Jump when someone moves their hand. Or look close to tears. When someone asks how you feel, sound worried and say “why, what have you heard?”
yourdonefor_wt@reddit
Big oof.
NoVelociraptorsHere@reddit
Not all types of mental illness show on a brain scan. Schizophrenia does, however.
Note that depression can also result in hallucinations, and so can manic depression (bipolar disorder.)
You can simply act terrified and as if you may be seeing things that the evaluator cannot see, but refuse to confirm it when asked.
You could also act as if you are far less capable than you are, responding to questions as if they boggle the mind.
Lack of intelligence is not something easy to confirm with a scan, and if they ask how long you have been like this, blink VERY slowly and reply that you cannot remember.
Use small words and few of them.
Act afraid if they ask you any questions using large words or sentences with more than three words.
Emergency-Repair8491@reddit
In my country they do a drug screening when you get drafted. So smoke a fat blunt and maybe rail a line of coke for good measure before you go there. They won't hand a gun to a druggie.
Future-Excuse6167@reddit
The US just said they'd allow people in with drug convictions, but all of them are heroes as far as I'm concerned.
Emergency-Repair8491@reddit
OP said something about mandatory military service so I assume he's not in the USA. Also a past conviction is different to turning up zooted. But yeah, anything for them VA gibs amirite?
Future-Excuse6167@reddit
Oh, well you just started talking about your country so I thought that's what we were doing.
Objective-Amount1379@reddit
In the U.S. a history of sleep walking will stop them from taking you.
flextov@reddit
What are the consequences to you if they think you are falling to avoid the draft?
ProfessionalHunt8834@reddit (OP)
if they think i'm faking it to avoid drafting? military jail then get forced to do the service anyway
DubiousSpaniel@reddit
I’ve heard that during the Vietnam war draft people would push hard against an inanimate object (like a bathroom wall) as hard as they could for a while before going into the physical- this would supposedly raise blood pressure enough to be medically exempted for high BP. I have no idea if this has any basis in fact, just something I remember old hearing guys talking about back in the 20th century, so is probably BS or something dangerous (or probably both). The song ‘Alice’s Restaurant’ also had some old time strategies i believe.
Blazing_AbbyNormal@reddit
Drink a bunch of tomatoe juice, V-8, super salty food, get your blood pressure way high. Maybe this would help?