Moving country and leaving a guy I've fallen in love with behind.
Posted by ResolutionCute5247@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 59 comments
I'm moving to Australia in 3 weeks. I decided to move there on a bit of a whim after visiting over Christmas.
I'm a 29 y/o female, from the UK originally (and still here) have such a nice life here but I felt as though there is nothing in the UK for me (no house, no kids, no partner). Its not a country I would have really chosen to live in as I am content in the UK, but upon returning from a holiday there I thought I might as well give it a go and try to advance my career in fitness out there and travel a little.
Since applying for my visa (Jan), a guy (38) I've known for a while and I started seeing each other (March). We always saw each other in passing and would exchange a few words but thats it. We never expected it to turn into what it has. We have both told one another we love each other. Hes no one I would have ever gone for or expected loving so much. The thought of leaving now makes me sick to my stomach. I have a job for when I get to Aus, a visa, a flight, everything booked, I quit my job here so I can't change my mind now.
I'm extremely sad about leaving this person behind and I'm dreading having to leave. There is no guarantee we will work out if I stayed, but I am the type of person who would move heaven and earth for the right person.
Time isn't on our side as I'm 29, he is 38, and I do want to have children (partly wanted to move to Aus to see if I could find a partner over there as no luck here). I know this next week is going to be very hard and sad as we have to say our goodbyes.
I will still go to Australia, but do I give my trip a time limit and then come home? Help :(
latenight_tea@reddit
If the relationship is meant to last, it will last your trip. You have to make your experiences or you would regret it for your life, thinking about the trip you never did and always wanted. I´ve been in a long distance relationship before and it´s still possible to have an emotional connection through the distance. Of course there is a lot of missing as well, but isn´t it as well something good, to know that you have someone that important in your life, that you are missing him?
Bertolandia@reddit
Just get on that plane, and welcome to Australia. In life, only you can save yourself. You’re getting on that plane to change your life. I did the same almost 15 years ago. I left the woman I loved, after being together for nine years… and now I live in Australia, where I’m happy and have a beautiful family. Sometimes what looks like selfishness is actually the only way to build a better life.
thecurlynextdoor@reddit
This happened almost 10 years ago when I travelled from France to Australia. I met him a month before my WHV and decided to go anyway. We continued our relationship while I was in Australia. However, after three years, we broke up because our views had diverged over time. We were young at the time. Just go to Australia and think about yourself first. As someone else mentioned in the comments, it’s easier to cry there, haha.
Just-Practice1002@reddit
You should leave, if he loves you enough, he might follow you there. Because sadly, you have time to kick start a family but for him it’s not really the same. But it’s too early to say if it can turn into something beautiful.
Visible-Rabbit1821@reddit
I felt this way when I was offered a job in Spain. Rejected the offer to stay with him, he cheated on me a few months later and we broke up. Don’t risk it, chase your dream. If it’s meant to be it’s meant to be.
Funkynipple@reddit
Exactly. It also sounds like he might be love bombing OP since he’s 10 years older and he’s not the type she would normally go for. Not worth throwing your life away over it.
BrIDo88@reddit
Watch Nicolas Cage, The Family Man.
Infamous-Antelope-@reddit
I think maybe you allowed yourself to live him because you knew you were leaving?
RockinMadRiot@reddit
Live your life. If it’s meant to be you can keep in touch. You don’t sound happy in the uk anyway, longing for more. I left and don’t regret anything
Broad-Ad-2193@reddit
He’s not even your boyfriend?
AmexNomad@reddit
I (65f) am a retired realtor. It’s always saddened me to see women who change their life decisions for men- when rarely have I seen men do the same for women. Make your move! There are men in your new country.
SeanBourne@reddit
I sympathize with you OP - I’m beginning to feel like the UK-Australia relationship thing is a trope.
Last year I met a British girl on a WHV a month before hers expired and she flew back to the UK. We didn’t go quite as far as you and your guy did , but in her words, she “wished she’d met me earlier”. I certainly would have liked to have had more time. (Similar age range btw - her 24, me 34).
This year maybe 4 months ago a different British girl ‘says hi in passing‘ for 6 weeks, before escalating into blatant flirting the next couple of weeks. Start chatting… and find out she’s on a working holiday visa headed back a month after that. Kept it friendly but backed off after that.
SweetAlyssumm@reddit
Does he want to have children? Have you done a background check? What is his marital history? Never married? Married five times? Either could be a red flag.
It's hard finding good men. You are in your home country where you have a "nice life." I'd think twice about not giving the relationship a chance if he's solid, although there certainly are no guarantees when it comes to relationships.
ResolutionCute5247@reddit (OP)
We have spoken about EVERYTHING. He said he would like to have a child with me. Divorced with a child already. Has told me all details of marriage ending.
Its so hard finding nice men, but this man is so different to any I've ever met before despite being the total opposite of my 'type' which I think is a good think. He really feels like my soulmate.
I guess I'm hoping the universe will bring us back together if we are meant to be... 😞
westfieldnc@reddit
Is he actually active in his child’s life or does he have a ton of free time to spend with you? Also, he had told you his side of the story of how his marriage ended, her version could be extremely different. How old was his child when they divorced? If it was very young, that could be a sign he was a terrible partner postpartum. I would be very skeptical of a man whose divorce was initiated within 2 years of a child’s birth.
Europeaninoz@reddit
Might be an unpopular opinion but a divorcee who is nearly 10 year older and has a child is not exactly a catch. Go to Australia and enjoy the adventure! Plenty more fish in the sea. Also everything might feel more intense because you know there is an expiration date, if you were staying, you might feel more critical of the whole situation.
gravitationalarray@reddit
Yes, that's a big gap. In both years AND experience.
Severn6@reddit
Wait. You have been seeing each other since March and he already wants to have a child with you?
You don't think maybe that's a little too good to be true and a little quick?
Massive tip: never, ever make decisions while in NRE (new relationship energy). This is the magical time of hormones and soul-mateness and if you make huge decisions during that time you're rarely going to get the result you expect. You may skim past this because you think it doesn't apply to you or you don't want to hear it.
I hope you don't. I know.
Quirky_Turnover2417@reddit
If he wants to be with you he will join you in Australia. Try to float the idea with him
Angry_Housecat_1312@reddit
Sounds like he has a child. In that case, moving to Australia with or for OP would mean leaving behind that child. I don’t think I would consider planning a future that included children with someone who was willing to move that far away from a child they already have (unless that child were an adult).
el_duckerino@reddit
It's funny how (seemingly) good relationships tend to manifest right before some major move. Like, you could sit alone for years as an expat in a new country, but the moment you decide to move on or make a major change - boom... someone pops up and you have to make these difficult choices.
First-Pop1468@reddit
This happened to me when I was 23 and moving to east Asia, met a guy 10 years older than me, we fell madly in love or so it seemed (started our romance about 3 months before I left).
He promised me the world, he loved me so much, he wanted to be with me, marry me, have kids with me, everything. Well I believed it all, went over and came back within 4 months. When I got back home he told me he didn’t know if I (yes, me) was ready for a relationship. That he never actually said all that stuff about marriage and kids (hello gaslighting) and that I didn’t come back from abroad to be with him, he insisted that I did it because it was my decision alone and I couldn’t handle it. Yes he was a massive immature asshole who made my life hell in a ridiculous “situationship” for the year after I returned home.
Life is too short to regret and coming home lead me to other amazing experiences and people (platonic and romantic) I’ve had here. So no regrets. But my life could have been a lot different if I didn’t abandon myself and leave for a love bombing asshole.
Op you’ve known this man for 2 months, he has already told you he wants a child with you. That is way too early to know someone, truly know someone well enough to know those things. I know how hard this situation is, leaving behind who you think is the love of your life, but belief me the honeymoon stage and all the hormones that come with it LIE to you. Leave this loser behind, there is so much waiting for you in Australia. :)
helehan@reddit
I got a job abroad (from UK to EU, initial 1 year contract) six months after meeting the first guy I had ever been genuinely serious about in the UK. We were long distance and fairly young, both still studying but at different unis and I got my first job abroad, he had 2 years left of study at the time.
We both thought it was worth trying long distance, talked a lot while I was away and visited each other every 2-3 months. Spent whole summers together. Sustained this for 2 years and having really intense visits and lot of talk in between meant we knew each other super well by the time he moved out to join me. 11 years on and we’re married with a kid - I say if you know you know and you will want to prioritise to make it work.
Australia is further than EU, but I say talk to him about it! By all means go for a bit, but having a time limit might help you to both keep in mind that you might have a future.
That_Mycologist4772@reddit
This is a beautiful story, thank you for sharing!
That_Mycologist4772@reddit
Just do what feels right, whatever that may be.
Massive_Musician_359@reddit
Without hesitation, go to Australia!
adaniel65@reddit
If there's anything I've realized and observed about people and relationships is that no matter where you are in the world or what's happening in the world, it's always a better, a good, or a great place when you are with the one you love sharing life together. This is a universal truth. It doesn't matter if you live in a 1st world country or a 3rd world country. Love is the answer that may people seek. It doesn't matter if it's really cold or really hot or rainy. I've seen it everywhere. Love makes everyone feel amazing wherever they are under many circumstances and conditions. I hope the decision you make results in getting what you truly want in life. All the best to you. ✌️
PerpetualTraveler59@reddit
Just have him come along. Book the flight with you. He’ll have to leave when his tourist visa expires but at least you’ll know.
gravitationalarray@reddit
Go to Australia! Let him move heaven and earth to be with you.
Yeah-nah-yeahmate@reddit
You’re prepared to leave, they are prepared to let you go. Everything you need to know is right there in that statement. Enjoy Australia, seize that opportunity if it’s meant to be it will find a way later.
Yeah-nah-yeahmate@reddit
If it really was mutual love you could sit in a dumpster together and be happy.
Zealousideal_Rub6758@reddit
I stupidly got into a relationship a few months before moving to Aus. Was over it in a few months. It’s easier crying in the sun.
hokageace@reddit
😅🤣
Key-Pie6560@reddit
Hahaha. I'm sorry for the heartache, but thsi comment made me laugh so much.
Far-Tourist-3233@reddit
Can he go with you?
Vivid-Teacher4189@reddit
She’s probably going on a 3 year Working Holiday Visa and at 38 he’s to old to get one.
Far-Tourist-3233@reddit
Still, he can get a tourist visa
Ill-Supermarket-2706@reddit
The WHV is not the only route to move to Australia there’s a list of jobs offering visa even without a sponsor or companies sponsoring. However, it’s also up to him and whether he finds worth it to uproot his life when they haven’t even lived together
Vivid-Teacher4189@reddit
Thats why I said "probably“.
TieAdditional6849@reddit
I met my husband when he was on holiday before moving to the other side of the world a few months later. He never moved. Been together 20 years.
TechPsych@reddit
I admire your courage in acknowledging that the UK wasn't working for you in a variety of ways and putting an action plan in motion.
What I'm about to say next is blunt, but here goes:
You've been dating for about six weeks, yes? If so, that's called oxytocin not love.
It's really easy to fall in love with someone who's leaving and/or when you're leaving. Any fear of intimacy is quelled by the fact that you'll soon be thousands of miles apart.
No, please don't put any kind of limit on your trip or your dating status when you arrive. Go with an open mind and an open heart.
If Mr. 'didn't engage with you until after your departure was scheduled' is THE ONE, let him show you that in words and deeds.
Finally, the wise words of Erica Jong, "Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't."
Trust yourself. Live fully. Then you'll attract, and keep, a mate worthy of you. ❤
pazhalsta1@reddit
I started dating an amazing woman one Easter - her visa was expiring in November and was duly returning to the Russian far east at that point.
We did long distance for a couple of years and have been married over ten
Love finds a way. Good luck!
sneijder@reddit
Just go.
I left the UK at the same age (nearly 20 years ago)
The girl I thought was ‘the one’ soon found someone else.
You want kids ? Great, go to Oz, you’re doing it for them.
I couldn’t imagine bringing my daughter up in the UK.
Moderately-Spiced@reddit
Sorry but am I reading this right, that you are dating this guy since March? That's two months, while sure it may be "it", I think it's more about your state of mind and "moving" mentality. I personally always became a bit different person on the brink of moving countries as it happens with a lot of people. I guess it has something to do with seizing the time before you move.
I would definitely advise you to continue with the move, if it's meant to be, it will happen. If not, then it's probably for the best.
Nosey2parker@reddit
Go do it! I went years ago my boyfriend at the time came with me. 2 months later he left & I stayed for another year. We married 4 years after I got back. We’ve been married now for 21 years. If he loves you he’ll come & find you or he’ll still be there when you get back
NinaNina1234@reddit
Dont give up this opportunity to move out Australia. You can always continue talking And visit back and forth. If he's really worth it, you will stay connected. If not, hot Aussie men with adorable accents await
Remarkable_Method360@reddit
Adorable accents ? mabe to some ha ha , but good commenst on her situation.
EmbarrassedPeanut397@reddit
I bet Australia also has a similar version of “guy (38)”
tousmes@reddit
Could the fact that this relationship is likely to end soon be the reason that you fell in love so much?
A bit like a holiday love where you don't have to think about the long term, so you don't focus on the negative sides and it gets all the more romantic. I don't want to fill this in for you cause I don't know anything about your life, background or attachment style. Just a question to think about. Cause for me, it would probably work this way. Might help to make a decision if he's worth giving up your dream to move to Australia for.
Curious_Owl_342@reddit
Well, he can’t go to Australia with or for you, he has a child, that I’d imagine means the world to him. And while he might have the money to visit you, UK/AUS is not close and it is costly. And, long distance relationships are extremely hard to maintain.
I can tell you that at 28 I fell in love and fell in love again several times after that. Married one man at 30, then divorced, then met the love of my life thereafter and have been married for 16 years now.
The romantic in me wants you to stay in the UK and develop your love with that man. But, unless he has asked you to marry him and stay, you should go explore Australia.
Angry_Housecat_1312@reddit
Sounds like you’ve been seeing each other for a month or two? Invite him to come visit and try to keep in touch in the meantime and see how that goes. It may fizzle. It may not. Only time will tell!
I am so excited for your new adventure! Please don’t let this sour your experience. If it’s meant to last with him, that’s how it will work out. It’s way too soon to know that, so your best bet is to just see how things unfold. You’ll learn a lot through seeing whether he’s willing to visit or keep in touch, and how that looks if it happens.
wapera@reddit
Sometimes the universe likes to dangle a carrot to see if you’ll veer away from your dreams.
kgonthebeattttt@reddit
I’m 29 and moving from Canada solo to Aus in October!! Also slightly heartbroken. I’m going for it anyways and you should too.
howard499@reddit
You decided to move to Australia on a whim, so reason to believe that the relationship is a bit of a whim also. Just drift around for a few more years and keep Reddit posted.
Hot-Bison5904@reddit
I met my now husband while studying in the UK and then had to leave just as our relationship was really starting. We were long distance for ages, didn't see each other at all for over a year during covid. If it's going to work out it'll work out. If it won't it won't. The thing that made it work out was probably our belief that it was possible.
doc-oc911@reddit
Yeah! As previous post suggest invite him out there! It would almost make the decision for you.
prolly-not1@reddit
Sounds like you’ve met a lovely guy, and got exciting travel plans - both good things, just tricky when combined. Been there myself and there’s no perfect answer, however I found that travelling together actually really helped me figure out if the relationship was going to be worth it. Travel and getting out of one’s comfort zone shows you a lot about yourself and the other person, how one handles discomfort, new experiences etc. Is there a chance he could join you for a little bit?
antinataIism@reddit
i broke up with my ex to move countries and i regret it. it wasnt worth it. the relationship was better but i didnt appreciate it enough.
Chri_ssyyyyy@reddit
You go and do what you need to do! Have him come over after a month or so! See if the spark is still there!