What are some phrases Brits have to say in certain scenarios?
Posted by Goose-rider3000@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 561 comments
For instance, a man with bandage on his forearm or wrist, will inevitably be asked if it’s a ‘wanking injury’.
Infections95@reddit
'That was quick' if you leave the house then forget something and go back inside
gigglesmcsdinosaur@reddit
"Won't get far without these" when you go back for your keys
Horror-Kumquat@reddit
‘Were you born in a barn?’ When you leave again without shutting the door.
Ill_Apricot_7668@reddit
Put the plank in the 'ole!
UserCannotBeVerified@reddit
Put wood int 'ole! (Shut the door in Yorkshire)
Tha meks a better dooer thun'a winduh (move out the way I cant see through you, in Yorkshire)
OriginalPlonker@reddit
"T'oil" if you're from Barnsley.
Euphoric_Rough_5245@reddit
Let the dog see the rabbit also means move out the way in Yorkshire
UserCannotBeVerified@reddit
Ill be honest, im from yorkshire, grew up in foster care too so in plenty of dofferent households, and ive never heard that phrase. Sounds like something Paddy McGuinness would say on Take Me Out
Euphoric_Rough_5245@reddit
I was going to say it might be local to my area but as I heard it said in Huddersfield and York area but I am an 80’s child and it was something I picked up fairly young. I don’t hear it much now it’s more better door than a window. It might be something of that particular time.
Phoenix_Fireball@reddit
Grew up with these (and many others) from my dad and grandma - I make sure to use them with my child and nibblings, even the 2 year old knows them.
JimDixon@reddit
The same expression without the dialect ("You make a better door than a window.") is common in the US as well.
Friendly_External345@reddit
Childhood memories right there, how we used to laugh!. Even the domestic abuse was good natured
CraftyWeeBuggar@reddit
Or phone, or specs, or handbag.....
vinyljunkie1245@reddit
As someone is walking away - let them get a short distance:
"Wait a second mate, can I just borrow you for a second?"
They walk back over
"How much further would you have got if I hadn't called you back here?"
Fedupofwageslavery@reddit
Or if someone leaves the office in the afternoon, swiftly returning to pick up a forgotten item you must say “good morning”. Oh how we laugh in corporate slavery
LadyFinduillas@reddit
See also calling out good morning to someone if they come back downstairs for any reason having said they were going up to bed.
HailToTheKingslayer@reddit
"It lives!" my Dad would say, after I woke up after having a lie in. "10am! Middle of the day!"
(He'd be up at like 7am, but would be asleep in a chair at 5pm. Doesn't count of course, as he wasn't in bed and therefore just resting his eyes.)
JaxTheMetalhead@reddit
Peak British dad behaviour
keg994@reddit
On a Sunday morning my dad would play music incredibly loud whilst he and my mum were prepping a roast. It would either be Milkshake by Kelis or Trouble by Pink. By 3pm he'd be conked out on the sofa but God help us if we woke him from his nap
behemuffin@reddit
See also: "Morning!" but only if you said "see you tomorrow" just before you left.
Hancri84@reddit
My wife says this but not in that scenario
CuriousPartner24@reddit
This is a classic 😂
OriginalPlonker@reddit
I forget where it's from, but exclaiming "Well under an hour!", with optional applause, when someone takes an unnecessarily long time to do something simple.
Going back a bit, "it says Oxo on buses but they don't sell 'em" as a repose to 'but it says X on Y'. MrsPlonker thought this was the funniest thing all week.
Going back even further: "shit or get off the pot" to urge someone to make up their mind.
jar_jar_LYNX@reddit
In Scotland, whenever someone is carrying a multipack of toilet paper somewhere and there are teenagers around they will say "going for a shite aye?"
Euphoric_Rough_5245@reddit
My other half says “must be curry night”.
davus_maximus@reddit
If a glass gets smashed in a pub, the while pub has to cheer. Specifically, "wuuuurreyyy!". It's just the protocol.
The_Final_Barse@reddit
A dying trend unfortunately.
Eayauapa@reddit
I had it in a pub a couple of months back where I was the only one to say it, and I looked like a right dickhead.
I'm 26.
Born-Car-1410@reddit
Good for you, my son. Some traditions need to be perpetuated. I've been the only one on more than one occasion myself. Sometimes you cop a couple of blokes looking over with a secret smile, and you can tell they wished that they'd joined in.
Typical_Math_760@reddit
"We need to talk about "wheyyyy!" and why it's not ok" said no one, but it's good rage bait
Spiritual-Oven-9936@reddit
Was out recently.. glasses smashed.. and there was zero verbal response.. a sad moment
What has happened to the world? 😢
pajamakitten@reddit
Lockdown. People forgot pub etiquette (or never learnt it from those who turned 18 in that time).
splendidvinyl@reddit
We yell sack the juggler
Dolphin_Spotter@reddit
One less to wash up
leftmysoulthere74@reddit
Or “TAXI!”
Farscape_rocked@reddit
"Someone's having a smashing time!"
officialariacat@reddit
I’ve always written it as “Wahey!!!!”, but the same principle applies. Or “Free bar!”, if you’re my dad!
childrenofloki@reddit
We always just said "weyyyy"
_FreddieLovesDelilah@reddit
Same lol
davus_maximus@reddit
It is wahey, of course, but there's always a detectable undercurrent of blokes trying to sound extra manly.
Calm-Scientist8126@reddit
I think your regional accent dictates the spelling, I spell it 'Wahey' from east mids
Maya_Rose@reddit
Also if the lights go out
HollsHolls@reddit
Yesterday was my final day of year 13 before study leave & a levels so a large portion of my year went down to the pub down the road after school and at one point a glass was dropped behind me. Fell deadly silent, is what they all did. I mean i dont think anyone noticed outside of their small table but still.
Usual-Journalist-292@reddit
We all used to do this in school whenever anyone dropped a tray/plate in the canteen too
MissingLink101@reddit
The best time I've encountered this was at the British Beer Festival, where you can just hear the "Wheeeeeyyyyy" rippling through the crowd when someone drops their pint glass. Especially with the increasing frequency later in the day as people get more drunk.
ll56yammy@reddit
“Mule train!”
griffaliff@reddit
Smashing!
jar_jar_LYNX@reddit
I live in Canada now and I miss this
The bar just goes quiet for a few seconds here 😟
Username___5@reddit
Thats what they do in my school when someone tips over a bench in the lunch hall
Porkus-Pius@reddit
That seems to be one that crosses generations and social class. People of all ages did it when I was young and still do now I'm old. I wonder where it comes from.
dreadwitch@reddit
Seeing a woman with a black eye or bruised face... Did you walk into a cupboard door.
exgiexpcv@reddit
Nope. Just a big ol' nope.
dreadwitch@reddit
No? Lol I had someone say it me a few weeks ago.
exgiexpcv@reddit
OK, you do you, then. I personally find any kind of joke about domestic violence to be extremely repellent.
dreadwitch@reddit
What type of jokes bother you don't change the fact people say it.
exgiexpcv@reddit
Sure, and the people that make racist and bigoted jokes are also people that I avoid.
dreadwitch@reddit
Lol okay then... Keep doing you.
exgiexpcv@reddit
Too right.
Any-Seaworthiness531@reddit
“Nice/shit weather ain’t it”
StinkypieTicklebum@reddit
The Queen’s Pour— the bit left in a liquor bottle that’s not enough for a shot.
DoctorOctagonapus@reddit
It's the King's Pour now!
JeffSergeant@reddit
You're looking well/rough when someone is sat at someone else's desk.
DoctorOctagonapus@reddit
You forgot the important bit: you have to greet them by the name of the person usually sat there.
navelfluff86@reddit
Blackpool illuminations.
PiesPiesAndPies@reddit
If someone leaves the big light on "It's like Blackpool Illuminations."
DoctorOctagonapus@reddit
"Do I look like I'm made of money!?"
redandbluebadness@reddit
5 minutes late to work - "shit the bed?"
drop a plate or glass in a pub - "sack the juggler"
reversing car - "Ah that takes me back"
"Do you want sugar in your tea?" - "no thanks luv I'm sweet enough" (works best of you're a 17 stone skin-head lump)
DoctorOctagonapus@reddit
My mum always answers "I'm too sour to be sweetened" when offered sugar. I occasionally use that line.
kriscardiac@reddit
I use it the other way - 5 minutes early 'did you shit the bed?'.
5 minutes late is always 'good afternoon, nice of you to join us'.
Either_Sense_4387@reddit
When someone is late to work (even only a few mins or seconds) "'evening" 😂
lime-enthusiast@reddit
We use "half day today, is it?" for late arrivals
kriscardiac@reddit
Or the 'Gone part-time then?'
SirPooleyX@reddit
Yep. The shitting the bed suggestion is definitely for being early. The point being that if you shit the bed you'd want to get out of it earlier than usual.
Late doesn't make sense.
JimDixon@reddit
It makes sense if you'd bothered to clean it up.
AshamedAttention727@reddit
Unless you're a deviant who likes to lay..... Nvm gonna stop there
UndulatingUnderpants@reddit
The good old "afternoon" to anyone strolling in slightly late...everywhere except my current place, it's very chilled.
Snot_girl@reddit
Ur right, it's definitely if you get somewhere or wake up earlier than usual to say shit the bed, that's how I use it anywho!
Dear_General1657@reddit
“Good afternoon” or “Good evening” is how I greet my lazy wife every weekend. I’m up at 0600 every day. She mostly gets up just in time for lunch.
cheesytola@reddit
I’m also a late riser. My husband always greets me with “Afternoon shifts here”
Maya_Rose@reddit
Someone yawns.
“We keeping you up?”
Appropriate-Jury8942@reddit
Anyone informing the team that “Dave’s called in sick today” - someone is obliged to ask ‘how sick is he?’ Giving the originator of the news the golden opportunity to deliver the classic “well he’s in bed with his sister”
OmniWise@reddit
I thought shitting the bed would be more likely to get you out of bed resulting in an earlier arrival. What am I missing?
Dear_General1657@reddit
Yeah. Shit the bed is for early arrivals.
redandbluebadness@reddit
TBH I have heard it both ways, I guess the other way is you have been unduly detained by the necessary action of having to clean up all the shite what is on your sheets and arsehole.
dnf1957@reddit
5 mins late for work use to be - "on the nest were you?" I've heard a bloke say to a late arrival female as well.
Different times...
r1Rqc1vPeF@reddit
Later into work than normal ‘night shift’s in early’
Picking up several drinks up off the bar after buying a round and the bar staff asks if you need a tray, ‘no thanks, I’ve got enough to carry’
Elegant-Mission-4470@reddit
Never heard the takes me back one, actually laughed
forgottenoldusername@reddit
>5 minutes late to work - "shit the bed?"
Haha my manager gave me that exact line this morning - never fails to make me laugh as well
redandbluebadness@reddit
also works if you're five minutes early
AstronomerFickle4823@reddit
“Had ya ears lowered?”
When you have had a haircut.
I’ve no idea how that makes sense!
zhvj@reddit
'How are we for time?' Hinting strongly that somebody is making you late by faffing about
Crafty-Reality-9425@reddit
If I see a lady with a massive pair of tits, I would playfully shout "you don't get many of them in a pound!" and we'd both laugh and laugh, and carry on with our day. Well actually I wouldn't, because with today's political correctness I am unable to brighten a lady's day with such a complimentary quip. It was totally acceptable to say back in the 1970's and it put a smile on many a people's faces. I miss the good old days when you could laugh at absolutely anything.
greenhail7@reddit
Flying low, mate? When zip of trousers is down.
masterofteabaggery@reddit
"I wouldn't worry, dead birds don't fall out of nests"
Missdebj@reddit
XYZ = examine your zip
RatzzFace@reddit
"You've got egg on your chin", although I said this recently to my boss, and he literally wiped his chin with his hand, and said "Do I?"...
FinalEgg9@reddit
I'm 35 and I've never heard this one
PiesPiesAndPies@reddit
I'm 64 and I've never heard that.
HappyUnicorn212@reddit
I've heard "egg on your face", but not chin
RoyofBungay@reddit
I wouldn’t worry - the cage might be open but the beast is asleep.
LadyFinduillas@reddit
Beast my arse!
RoyofBungay@reddit
I can hear that voice straightway Lurkio.
LadyFinduillas@reddit
Mash the tea, Anthony!
memcwho@reddit
RIGHT.
While slapping lap and standing up
Greendeco13@reddit
I do this and it drives my old fella mad! Even the dog recognises “right”
flohara@reddit
Must skedaddle - for genX
Scotscommonsense@reddit
Nah boomer surely?
Beginning-Annual-860@reddit
My millennial daughter says that a lot!!
alicatpow@reddit
Absolutely. Even my dog understands that a "right" spoken in the telltale tone, with or without a knee slap, is code for "we're moving to a different space now" and he launches up from wherever he was napping to make sure he doesn't miss the transition 😅
babysfatwrist@reddit
Awww, dogs get such FOMO don’t they
ThisShouldBeAGif@reddit
My dog 100% responds to this too! She doesn’t know what we are doing but she is always up for joining in, even if that’s following me to watch me have a wee. Just happy to be involved
snakeoildriller@reddit
This! Even if I saw it quietly he still knows ...
NaturalSuccessful521@reddit
I find that if you're on the other end of it and it's time for someone to leave your house, you can look at their empty cup and say "do you fancy another one?".
BirdieStitching@reddit
Sometimes with "I'd better make tracks"
PurpleBee212@reddit
We'd better make a move
Dear_General1657@reddit
Need to get gone.
HailToTheKingslayer@reddit
Stand up, stretch while saying "what is the time anyway?"
Dear_General1657@reddit
This is perfect for where you’re busy at work and someone wants to waste your time.
Boldboy72@reddit
slapping the knees means you are actually leaving this time.
Volumetricform@reddit
Your age is showing.
memcwho@reddit
Sorry, thought I'd tucked it in.
FastSimple6902@reddit
'Ah, there are'. To make someone think they should have come to a meeting.
RBisoldandtired@reddit
Jings.
Crivens.
…
Scotscommonsense@reddit
Pa Broon's alive and well
griffaliff@reddit
'Fancy going to the pub?' has to be responded to by saying 'does the pope shit in the woods?'
Scotscommonsense@reddit
Mixed euphemisms!
PitBullCH@reddit
“Pope & bears” - is the short version.
Ok_Spend_3839@reddit
In the few days before Christmas, British people must say “I can’t believe it’s Christmas next week!”
Scotscommonsense@reddit
Followed by incredulity at the beginning of February and probably March. The onset of spring is utterly startling to many brits.
robotwarlord@reddit
"look! Horses" when seeing horses.
Original_Trick7742@reddit
Pointing is a must as well.
Scotscommonsense@reddit
Thank you 😂👌
Novaportia@reddit
See also 'sheep' and 'cows'.
kelota_@reddit
My dad would say ‘you’d make a better door than a window’ if I was stood in front of the TV And when leaving he’d say ‘if I don’t see you through the week il see you through the window’ and of course the all time classic ‘it’s like Blackpool illuminations in here’
Quietly_quitting@reddit
'When are you due in court?' to any work colleague looking a bit smarter than usual
Scotscommonsense@reddit
Our office secretary was less polite "you sh*t the bed? " was always the response I received on the rare occasion I was early for work!
Novaportia@reddit
I've always said 'what time is your interview?'
I work in private client though, so it's not hugely uncommon to see one of my colleagues dressed for a funeral.
perpetualmentalist@reddit
I think this only works In lower income areas.
As someone from such area, your on point.
Normally added by, or a funeral.
pajamakitten@reddit
I live near a JP Morgan and so many of the blokes wear fancy suits and big Rolexes. They always look like they are due in court (probably due to their shit driving going by how they drive near me.)
Dear_General1657@reddit
I used to do this until a colleague replied that, yes, he was going to his Dads funeral.
blue-eyed-zola@reddit
Was it before or after his court appearance though?
Sensitive-Vast-4979@reddit
You win the best reddit comment of the day
exgiexpcv@reddit
Oh, I dunno, I enjoyed using it in the financial district.
Maya_Rose@reddit
Similair-ish is something about buying a hat/suit when someone’s romance steps up
seta_roja@reddit
With work colleagues, my go to is a loud: 'how was the job interview?'.
Appropriate-Jury8942@reddit
Flip side - any time someone spots me in work gear and says you look smart - hold hands up with wrists touching as if handcuffed and say “thanks I’m gonna plead not guilty”
NuclearMaterial@reddit
Yeah or "who's funeral is it?"
Scotscommonsense@reddit
If someone needs to get past you in a shop it's obligatory to say sorry, not that you've done anything wrong. However, if you are indeed blocking the way, extreme mortification and profuse apologies will be expressed!
SissyLaurenLovecock@reddit
"I'm sorry" - any and all scenarios
BG3restart@reddit
'Any Other Business?' said by whoever is in the Chair when you rock up two minutes late to a work meeting.
ChrisPeacock_@reddit
'You can't park there mate' if anyone's car breaks down on the side of the road
Individual_Mud_6114@reddit
If a neighbour is doing some outside jobs (car washing, lawn mowing), you must jovially say ‘you can do mine while you’re at it’
Spank86@reddit
I like to lean in my neighbours bedroom window with that one.
Evening-Tomatillo-47@reddit
He can do my wife too
DuncUK@reddit
Your wife must be filthy.
pajamakitten@reddit
Mine would as well. Find the right retired bloke (normally ex-middle management) and they will do any sort of job for you to feel valuable again.
Academic_Economics12@reddit
If it’s car washing it is also imperative to throw out a cheery “missed a bit!”
FraGough@reddit
Saw a neighbour unhitching a boat on a trailer from his car on his driveway. I told him to stop worrying as the rain isn't that bad.
HumanBeing7396@reddit
You’ve missed a bit!
MassiveApples@reddit
Or
"Stop that! You'll make it rain!"
Many a guffaw 😐
lynziB@reddit
It’s like the Blackpool illuminations in here
sampoo92@reddit
Going to a pool and saying “it’s alright once you’re in “
rc_bris@reddit
"You can't park there mate" for any car accident or mishap.
Careless-Cow3222@reddit
Came here to say this
TrustVisual1394@reddit
I've never had occasion to say this, but it's something I aspire to
lazyplayboy@reddit
No one should any of the examples in this thread.
Karen_Is_ASlur@reddit
Don't.
Funk5oulBrother@reddit
The more mangled the car, the more appropriate (as long as no one’s hurt)
Friendly_External345@reddit
Bonus points if they are hurt and you drop 'Gonna need a plaster on that'
Kimowi@reddit
I get the joke on this one, but a little while back I was stood at the side of the motorway in the pissing rain clearly shaken holding my screaming 8 week old after getting rear ended and I’ll admit the amount of people who yelled that at me did get irritating, not one person showing concern yet plenty making a crap joke lol.
pajamakitten@reddit
It is definitely a 'read the room' phrase.
_real_ooliver_@reddit
It's way overused and a little insensitive at times yeah
Academic_Economics12@reddit
Along with “that’ll buff right out” (again, providing nobody’s hurt)
Funk5oulBrother@reddit
“You need some T-Cut mate”
BigLittleSlof@reddit
The Americans have started saying this and milking it dry now, I used to love it but now I hate it lol
PengyLi@reddit
Extra bonus points if it's a police car!!!!
wittgensteinways@reddit
Addressed to any colleague who's turned up a bit earlier for work than they usually do: "Shit the bed, did ya?"
JaxTheMetalhead@reddit
"Crackin' day!" to someone who's arsecrack is on show and needs to pull their kegs up.
Also, "it's like the bloody Blackpool illuminations in 'ere!" when someone's put the big light on.
JaxTheMetalhead@reddit
Dunno if this is a common thing or just said in my family household, but if we heard a sudden bang (like something heavy dropping to the floor from upstairs) we'd go 'Ay up! X's [person upstairs] head's fell off!"
KitFan2020@reddit
Just popping to… (wherever you are going for a short time)
Jesssca@reddit
Also, if someone says, I’m thirsty, you say, hello I’m Friday 🤔
layzeebish@reddit
my mate's dad would always say, I'm Hungary
pixeltash@reddit
Oh gawd, all the bloody time my dad would do this when we were kids, drove me up the wall.
MrsPickles90@reddit
I've never heard this before but I'm definitely using it now 😂
DiskBytes@reddit
I like the scenarios where I can say "said the actress to the Bishop"
JackyRaven@reddit
I heard it as the Bishop to the actress, then the opposite one is "as the art mistress said to the gardener"..
RebeccaCheeseburger@reddit
‘I see’ said the blind man to the deaf man
Snoo63@reddit
I cannot remember the exact quote, but I remember Gary Brannan, on one of the live Citation Needed episodes, saying something like, "And so, the vicar shook hands with the monkey, and could never look a banana in the face again," - which I think might be a dirtier reference to it or something?
Fit-Case-7857@reddit
That and ‘that’s what she said’ works for most double entendres
marshallandy83@reddit
That's the dumbed-down version.
Fit-Case-7857@reddit
Bit like your momma
splendidvinyl@reddit
Or "as the bishop said to the choirboy", if it's a bit dark
fartingbeagle@reddit
Or the Queerboys, according to the League of Gentlemen !
spanners101@reddit
I don’t know why, but for me it’s always been “said the vicar to your mum”
betineri@reddit
“It’s like Piccadilly Circus” for any slightly busy area in or out of the home
ak30live@reddit
"Never sell any ice-creams going at that speed."
"What time you on till?"
truthbomn@reddit
"I stand corrected, said the man in the orthopedic shoes."
Jacktheforkie@reddit
Can’t park there mate
MolluscsGonnaMollusc@reddit
"Lovely picnic weather" if it's sunny, but mostly if it's absolutely pissing it down.
MolluscsGonnaMollusc@reddit
"Oh, while you're up." Meaning make me a tea/coffee please as soon as someone stands up.
AnyOlUsername@reddit
“Alright?”
“Nah, half left”
CuteMaterial@reddit
If you're trying to get by someone: "sorry...mind if I just...thanks"
5c0ttgreen@reddit
When you’re faced with wide spread catastrophe and the collapse of civilisation you have to say “Let’s go to the Winchester and wait for all this to blow over”
DrSalvador1996@reddit
Fuck this I'm going to the shed
BatsWaller@reddit
We’re coming to get you, Barbara!!
Sensitive-Vast-4979@reddit
Im not traveling 300 miles ( idk where Winchester is tbh ) im going into Warkworth or alnwick castle
Bad_Combination@reddit
not sure if I’m missing a joke here or you are.
Sensitive-Vast-4979@reddit
I got ur joke just making a logical point with mild satire to it a
thesaharadesert@reddit
How’s that for a slice of fried gold
anomie--@reddit
Yeah, boyyyeee!
Immaterial71@reddit
You skipping the nice cold pint then?
MACintoshBETH@reddit
‘Yeah not bad thanks’ to any question about how your weekend/holiday/day was, or how you are doing
Porkus-Pius@reddit
When someone's blocking the view of the telly "you make a better door than a window" (archaic).
pixeltash@reddit
Cooks Privilege - when eating and ingredient while cooking, or licking the spoon.
Me - just going for a wee. Husband - have one for me while you're there. I think this dates back to growing up and you would say just going for a wee, so a sibling would know you would be coming back and wouldn't pinch the best TV watching spot.
My husband cursing at something - " oh god" Me - " yes? ......... It nevers gets old"
Tastetherainbow_2016@reddit
Matching joggers and hoodie set -Catalogue kid.
When you meet someone really tall: “Alright treetops?” Or “Is the air thin up there?”
Vented school/work blazer -Fart flaps.
Holes in your socks: Have those things been to church?
pixeltash@reddit
The other kind of vented blazer, that had a single middle slit were "shit slips"
Dayzed-n-Confuzed@reddit
You don’t get many of them to the pound! Can be applied to various parts of the body, or anything that’s surprisingly large.
2cbterry@reddit
Upon seeing a window cleaner, one must say, “you’ve missed a bit”. Also upon seeing a neighbour cleaning their car, one must say “you can do mine next”.
MagpieMoon@reddit
If you and someone else are moving anything large or unweildy you have to say "to me..." and they have to say "to you..."
CharlotteGFE@reddit
Or PIVOTTT!!! 😂
Squarkage@reddit
Nah, that's a bit American. To me, to you is the correct british
CharlotteGFE@reddit
Oooh yes I think you’re right actually! I’ll forever say pivot though 😂
MrsMiggins2@reddit
What's for dinner, Mum? Hamstrings and broken bottles.
Novaportia@reddit
Shit wi' sugar on
HumanBeing7396@reddit
Three jumps at the wall
Frogbitch45776@reddit
Excuse me, sorry, excuse me, sorry, thanks, sorry when passing someone on the street
PiesPiesAndPies@reddit
At the gents urinals. One man farts loudly. "Better out than in."
Friendly_External345@reddit
For fuck sake. Can be inserted just about anywhere in a sentence or used as a standalone phrase
Logical_fallacy10@reddit
They always say “you alright”. But they don’t want to know if you are alright. So just say hi.
Diddleymaz@reddit
I’m sure we’ve been here before? When arriving home from a trip.
Boring-Print9058@reddit
"You'll never sell any ice cream going at that speed" Every time a cop car/ambulance/fire engine siren is heard.
splendidvinyl@reddit
I used to online game with a German dude and this escaped one day as we were chatting, once we confirmed they have ice cream vans that play music in Germany and I explained the origin, Horst decided it was the funniest thing he'd ever and would now use it every time he could, I've never been prouder
thesyldon@reddit
The origin being Eric Morcombe from Morcombe and Wise.
Too-Tired-Editor@reddit
Eric definitely did a lot to spread it on TV, but it's one of those jokes that was already a bit everywhere - Eric just knew how to deliver it perfectly.
I'm not saying this to run down Morecambe & Wise, truly one of the most gifted double acts from the breakthrough-to-TV era. A lot of jokes in the acts of everyone at that time came straight out of stage halls where you'd use material your audience hadn't heard. The genius of the pair is in the perfection of their timing and in their understanding of how to make it work for camera.
thesyldon@reddit
I have never seen an earlier version of it. I am not a defender of the team. I just thought that was the first instance. It is a very famous sketch.
I did a quick search and all links credit Morcombe and Wise. I would be interested if you find an earlier source. It is one I use a lot just to annoy people :P
Too-Tired-Editor@reddit
Again, they're one of the first double acts to break through to TV. And even on TV, a lot of the shows from their era are lost. We didn't film random live performances back then.
I have a distinct memory of hearing Hugh Paddick deliver the line. Paddick was in a fair amount of radio comedy, most notably as half of Julian and Sandy across from Kenneth Williams on the Kenneth Horne shows, and he has a pretty distinctive voice so I'm pretty sure it's him. I'll have heard it, then, on my dad's old tapes put out in the 80s and 90s from this 40s - 50sish era show.
Which episode or season I couldn't tell you; I can't even be sure it was on either Beyond Our Ken or Round the Horne. Paddick was a busy presence in radio studios. I doubt he originated it, either. We can probably work out an earliest possible date from ice cream van development.
thesyldon@reddit
I can only bow to your experience.
Appropriate-Jury8942@reddit
Can’t remember ANY of the actual content but the memory of Kenneth Williams voice on my dad’s 8 cassette compilation of Round the Horne is one of ‘those’ things - the ones that makes my heart do that little split-second twang that’s a mixture of joy and sadness but mostly just an empty void where something once was. And then it’s gone and I don’t know if I’m happy or sad.
Too-Tired-Editor@reddit
HELLO I'M JULIAN AND THIS IS MY FRIEND SANDY
james_s_docherty@reddit
Six years of working in Germany for an engineering company, the response to that joke would be, 'But that is not an ice cream van, it is a fire wagen, there is likely an unfall somewhere to which they are heading.'
vinny876@reddit
It was mostly for Ambulances, because from the 50s through to the 80s a lot of ice cream vans were converted ambulances.
HailToTheKingslayer@reddit
"They've come to get you!"
Tattycakes@reddit
Wow how have I never heard that one before
FraGough@reddit
Favourite Morecambe and Wise moment.
RunOnCaffeine17@reddit
I've never heard this one before! 34, north west.
MttWhtly@reddit
I said this the other day and the lad I was with (early-mid 20s) had never heard it before. I was dumbfounded
Porkus-Pius@reddit
When buying a significant amount of alcohol in a shop, a stranger or even the cashier might ask "Are you having a party?". My stock response these days is "No, I'm just an alcoholic".
thesyldon@reddit
I went to McDonalds once on a sarnie run for the lads at work. I asked for 20+ meals. The lad behind the counter asked if I was eating in.
JimDixon@reddit
Did he mean that as a joke, or was it something he said habitually, and didn't think to stop himself?
There's a similar story where you read off your order from a hand-written list of 40+ items, at least one of everything on their menu, and when you come to the end, he asks you, straight-faced: "Will that be all?"
thesyldon@reddit
No he was serious. The lad serving next to him instantly laughed. It could have just been an automatic reply or one that he was told to ask every time. It was just so ridiculous at the time.
herefromthere@reddit
I know how to enjoy Wednesday.
custard-powder@reddit
Had this the other day cashier looked at us and said somebody’s going to have a good evening. My response was it’s a bank holiday weekend love
Porkus-Pius@reddit
Only once have I enjoyed a similar interaction. I wasn't even thinking about it but I bought several bottles of ale and some paracetamol in my local shop one day. The nice lass behind the counter pointed at the beer and the pills in turn and said "Tonight, tomorrow?".
Spiritual-Oven-9936@reddit
Thankfully your response wasn't "only tonight.. they'll be no tomorrow"
Porkus-Pius@reddit
Oh that's dark. I like it!
DeadBallDescendant@reddit
Paul Calf vibes.
AdaandFred@reddit
Reminds me of the 2020 joke - if your neighbour saw your overflowing recycling bin you'd say "I'm not an alcoholic, we had a party" then lockdown arrived and you had to say "I wasn't having a party, I'm an alcoholic".
morbidcuriosity123@reddit
I like to look at them, just say. "Im thirsty"
GlumAd9856@reddit
When you've completed something you say:
"Done . . . . Romeo done. "
Jesterstear99@reddit
I have never, in my entire life ever heard this- where is it from?
Active_Definition_57@reddit
So Solid Crew I think.
Jesterstear99@reddit
That would explain why I've never heard it before.....
No-Consideration766@reddit
Never seen Gavin and Stacey??
MissKLO@reddit
Ffs. It’s not, it’s So Solid Crew, 21 seconds 😂
No-Consideration766@reddit
I know it from G&S they say it there too 😂 completely forgot about so solid crew tbf.
Jesterstear99@reddit
Certainly not.
I guess it is something that they say a lot on there then.
arsenaladam92@reddit
When someone asks how your weekend was “went too fast as usual!”
Nottsbomber@reddit
"Taxi!!!"
Whenever I hear an ambulance
BulkyHulk78@reddit
When you're walking down the street and drop a loud fart, turn back and say "get out and walk, ya Bastard"
W00GA@reddit
need to poop
smellyfeet25@reddit
ONLY BY dirty minded low class people would say something like that.I can't imagine the staff at a&e saying it
Few_Scientist5381@reddit
Last night:
Supervisor: I can Smell Burning Wood!
Me without missing a beat: Stop Scratchin thee ead, then.
Nowt got done rate fer next hour.
I have a hr meeting on tuesday.
Squarkage@reddit
When carrying large items with another person 'To me' Responding with 'to you'
pinklepickles@reddit
If there is a swan “it can break your arm you know!”
lavender_cookie_@reddit
No luck catching them swans then?
FatherChunk@reddit
It's just the one swan actually.
Eayauapa@reddit
At this point I'm not convinced that a swan has ever broken someone's arm, I think someone just said it once and it's convincing enough that nobody's ever gotten around to checking
TheEndlessNite@reddit
My nan used to say "she can peel an orange in her pocket" when talking about her tight mate.
I used to say I needed to write a book with all my Auntys phrases, but my memory is too bad to remember them now.
I wish I'd wrote that book.
MolecularReward@reddit
"Is it raining?" when you walk into somewhere from outside, looking like a drowned rat.
The correct response is; "I hadn't noticed."
pinpoint321@reddit
“Sack the juggler” for any glass dropped in a pub.
“While you’re down there” to anyone on their knees.
marshallandy83@reddit
Finchy?
Its_Mrs_Nesbitt@reddit
He's a bloody good rep.
quilp666@reddit
Also to someone on their knees: " Say one for me while you're at it ".
LongShotts@reddit
"While you're down there"
Aint heard that for a while...next opportunity I'm using it!
boktobw18@reddit
Eurovision song contest...it's all political though
Paperopiero@reddit
One for the road
devegano@reddit
"You'd lose your baws if they weren't in a bag"
twirlyferb@reddit
Fastening something down, on a trailer for example. That ain't going anywhere!!
idontbleaveit@reddit
After the first few days of decent sunshine in the middle of spring and then it goes dull, “oh well that was a good summer”
JackyRaven@reddit
There's a jumbo jet outside your bedroom - you've left the landing light on again.
StockholmGirl29@reddit
"Have your trousers had a row with your feet" if you're showing too much sock!
JackyRaven@reddit
Or call the trousers "budgies" - your budgie died so they're at half-mast.
Feisty_Hour6484@reddit
Or “are they long shorts or short longs?”
draig_sarrug@reddit
Or, 'You won't tumble dry those again'
Jesssca@reddit
Did you enjoy your trip, when someone’s tripped over their feet
Maya_Rose@reddit
“Mind the flat bit”
nanahannah6012@reddit
See you next fall!
AdDependent5136@reddit
Did you go far?
naaattt@reddit
Did you get me a present?
Quietly_quitting@reddit
Or 'send us a postcard'
papayametallica@reddit
‘You can’t park there. ‘ shouted at anyone broken down or had a collision
dashboardhulalala@reddit
Upon passing by scantily clad women wearing approximately 3 triangles of fabric and 2 layers of fake tan in the middle of winter: "I hope she gets the weather she's looking for"
Appropriate-Jury8942@reddit
“That’s not a skirt it’s a belt” In polite company.
“Barely covers the smell” when not
dashboardhulalala@reddit
Greyhound skirt aka "an inch past the hare" is a generational get rather than a language one I think. I wouldn't find many people younger than me (and I'm only 44) who'd get that immediately. I think it's hilarious though.
This_is_Life84@reddit
"that's plenty" when you want someone to stop talking shite
Sensitive-Vast-4979@reddit
Whwn its warm renaming seaside towns based off Spanish , towns , islands or cities etc , like costa del whitley
oreheheally@reddit
My grandad passed down 'och wheesht' for when im frustrated with someone talking rubbish. 'Havers' is another is similar and he applied to physical silliness but im not clear in my head on its use so it comes out less.
PeaPsychological5728@reddit
On the same note the 'och wheesht' is basically a 'be quiet' or 'shut up '.
PeaPsychological5728@reddit
Havering to me was used for someone whose talking rubbish. Haven't heard either of those for a while now! Thanks
jamescisv@reddit
If somebody asks you if this is the bus/train to x, even if you've taken it every day for the last twenty years, and you are 100% certain it is, indeed, the bus/train to x, you still have to say "I hope so....." and do a little laugh like you just gone done the best joke ever!!
mbridge2610@reddit
My dad was a bus driver (an often cantankerous one at that) and would sometimes get out of the cab, walk to the front of the bus, and say “bloody looks like it doesn’t it” when asked if the bus goes to “X” 🤣
Crazyblondie11@reddit
Once my elderly Grandma asked the bus driver in broken English ‘Are you 90’ he replied ‘Im not but the bus is’ lol 😂
Snoo63@reddit
"Bloody hell, I don't look that old, do I?"
NuclearMaterial@reddit
I would have said "I'm 35!"
MegaRookie14@reddit
I once asked a bus driver “Does this bus go to xxx?” To which he replied, “It can do.”
Like what, does it only go there when it feels like it?
Evening-Tomatillo-47@reddit
Well til that in San Francisco when a bus is out of service they have "nowhere in particular" on the destination
Hoop66@reddit
The reverse (Scottish) version:
"Hey pal, is this the last bus fir Drumchapel?"
"Naw"
"It says Drumchapel on the front"
"Aye, it says India on the tyres but we're no goin there either"
Red_Barry@reddit
It’s probably going to Yoker.
CuriousPartner24@reddit
Class 😂😂
forget_it_again@reddit
😂
sock_cooker@reddit
He sounds ace!
BromleyReject@reddit
Back in the day........before electronic screens were used on platforms at railway stations and the guards used planks of wood with the destinations, this was quite a thing. I was forever asking fellow commuters "Is this one going to Farnham?" Especially if the service was one of those where the front 8 coaches went to a different destination.
NuclearMaterial@reddit
We've all been burned by buses or trains that say they're stopping somewhere, and then either bypass it, terminate before it, or fuck off somewhere else completely.
Appropriate-Jury8942@reddit
The train don’t stop at Cambourne on Wednesdays.
eastkent@reddit
Gave me the fear that did, when I discovered that half the train could be dumped somewhere and the rest would feck off somewhere else.
Goose-rider3000@reddit (OP)
I do this on a very regular basis
darybrain@reddit
"oh no they didn't" in panto style when jokingly disagreeing with someone
"Been busy? Started early/working late?" when getting into a cab
Manbry@reddit
When som one asks "Is it F iday to day?" You reply, "Yep, all day!"
Melly-The-Elephant@reddit
"Yep! All day, and part of the night"
Dear_General1657@reddit
On a Friday morning : “If you work hard today, you have can have tomorrow off”
UndulatingUnderpants@reddit
Poets day!
JimDixon@reddit
When I was a kid, as I was absent-mindedly picking my nose, my dad asked: "Are you going fishing?" I said: "No. Why?" He said: "I see you're digging for bait."
He only had to say the last part once. After that, "Are you going fishing?" was sufficient for me to get the point.
Now my wife says that to me.
Fellattio_Nelson@reddit
Waaaaayyyy! When someone knocks a pint pot over or some other small misfortune.
cutluv@reddit
"Whoops-a-daisy!"
WalkerJoggerSprinter@reddit
How are you? Yeah, good thanks. You? Yeah I'm good. My house burnt down yesterday, but that aside, all good.
JimDixon@reddit
"Other than that, Mrs Lincoln, how did you like the play?"
Boldboy72@reddit
well that's not ideal
Hairy_Doughnut5582@reddit
Nevermind!
Emrystargaryen@reddit
Hi
izbiz88@reddit
Literally got into a taxi sobbing this afternoon (feeling very fluey and emotional). The taxi driver said “hi, you okay?”.
Me, through my tears, “Good thanks!”
EaseBig1241@reddit
Still, could be worse! (I’m dying inside)
ReputationKind4628@reddit
Fair to middling. Mustn't grumble.
Hippymam@reddit
"Waheyyyyy!!" Or "sack the juggler" if some drops a glass in a pub.
59Nitroblack59@reddit
Yorkshire, "Be reyt" after any fuck up.
Zee21_x@reddit
When I give someone something like an item. I just say happy birthday or merry Xmas 😂
FloofyTheSpider@reddit
“It’s like the Blackpool Illuminations in here!” When anyone leaves lights on too long (might be strictly a parent thing)
imtheorangeycenter@reddit
Fresh haircut? Ears got lowered.
LadyFinduillas@reddit
Tell us who did it and we'll go and get him for you!
Logical_Bat_7244@reddit
Or when short men start balding, "he's growing through his hair"
CraftyWeeBuggar@reddit
Here we say their fringe has fucked off... or a few fringes back....
MattyJMP@reddit
My mum's always said "you've had your ears put back". Every time. Without fail.
mhoulden@reddit
When someone presents you with an unexpected hot drink, your response must begin with "ooh", eg "ooh, lovely".
Fit-Case-7857@reddit
I’ll give you something to cry about!
Dear_General1657@reddit
While you’re under my roof….
Fit-Case-7857@reddit
Along with ‘my house, my rules’ 😀
Objective_Load_4537@reddit
Drop your guts then shout..............MORE TEA VICAR.
Appropriate-Jury8942@reddit
See also:
Speak up, Brown
Someone trod on a duck
Confident appeal from the Australians there (in best Richie benaut voice impression)
ExultentPisces@reddit
“What’s for tea”
“Shit with hair on”
Appropriate-Jury8942@reddit
I was always told it was “iffit”
Iffit comes round you’ll get some.
firstfloor27@reddit
'Going anywhere nice?' when someone mentions going on holiday. Like you're expecting them to reply 'North Korea' or somewhere else miserable.
Northern_Geezer@reddit
If someone leaves the front/back door open when the heating is on. "I'm not paying to heat insert street name you know!"
Screaming_lambs@reddit
"oh sorry.. Whoops.. Sorry.. Haha. Sorry!" when trying to pass someone who is walking in your direction but you move the same way at the same time.
Appropriate-Jury8942@reddit
Incorrect. It’s “do you come here often?” Or “Shall I lead?” is an acceptable alternative.
more_details@reddit
‘Shall we dance?’
Dragonfruit-Agitated@reddit
I like it hot, but not this hot
Dear_General1657@reddit
I don’t know much about art but, I know what I like.
Dragonfruit-Agitated@reddit
If you don't know, I'm not gonna tell ya
ChallengingKumquat@reddit
If an item won't scan at the checkout... "It must be free then"
Ned-Nedley@reddit
I bought a joint of lamb for Easter and it wouldn’t scan and the lad did give it to me for free!
cragglerock93@reddit
Someone at my work literally got sacked for that lol.
Ned-Nedley@reddit
Bit different if you work at Mercedes dealership.
NuclearMaterial@reddit
For fucks sake. Sacking someone over a tenners worth of meat? I hope he stole something nice on his way out.
ReflexArch@reddit
Actually had this work myself multiple times.
Adminisissy@reddit
Good lad, doing the Lord's work
Usual_Welder7059@reddit
A new one to me I like.... When someone farts ask "what was that sweep". ?
TooHighToHearYou@reddit
"Should've gone to Specsavers" for someone mistaking something for something else or walking into something
RedPlasticDog@reddit
“Sorry”
In every single scenario
Waffles_Revenge@reddit
"To me, to you" when moving furniture
rouros@reddit
C U Next Tuesday on the Friday before a bank holiday 🤣
X4ulZ4n@reddit
"Can't park there mate" when a car has rolled onto its roof
creepinghippo@reddit
When someone is off work on sick or holiday, I like to say, ah yeah, I saw him in a suit when I passed the train station, implying he’s gone for a job interview.
creepinghippo@reddit
Ooh, someone’s having a barbecue.
Hairy-Blood2112@reddit
They'll never sell any ice creams going at that speed. When seeing a police car/ambulance/fire engine with the blues and twos on.
slightleee@reddit
If you do something. Tell it to fuck off!
UndulatingUnderpants@reddit
I always say "chuck that on the floor please" whenever one of my kids drops something
Tricky_Chemist1720@reddit
Anyone carrying a bunch of flowers must be asked "Are they for me" or "Oh, you shouldn't have!".
alltorque1982@reddit
'Different type of heat a road though isn't it' or 'it's almost TOO hot now'.
GreenhousePlum@reddit
"It's not the heat, it's the humidity" when talking about how strangely hot the UK gets during the summer.
LastCatastrophe@reddit
Because it's true!
Dear_General1657@reddit
It’s always either too hot or too cold.
NuclearMaterial@reddit
I take the Paxman approach when someone tries to engage me in weather small talk. "It's (x month) what do you expect?"
Srddrs@reddit
“You can’t park there” when you see a car that’s crashed
jamawg@reddit
It is obligatory to say "Who??" when Ronnie Pickering introduces himself
fussyfella@reddit
If someone turns up in a proper suit and tie: "what's the charges?"
Civil-Fan-3586@reddit
From HGV driver vocabulary: when tightening straps, mandatory phrase "that's not going anywhere".😂
NuclearMaterial@reddit
You have to slap it as well or give it a final pull.
UKTonyK@reddit
After completing a task, muttering "That'll do pig, That'll do"
If the tea, coffee or beer isn't close to the top of the cup/glass "Need steps to get down to that"
"Don't come running to me if you break a leg", to any kid climbing a tree or wall.
Atlantean_Raccoon@reddit
My 6'11 dad gets asked "How is the weather up there?" on a pretty much hourly basis.
Atlantean_Raccoon@reddit
My 6'11 dad gets asked "How is the weather up there?" on a pretty much hourly basis.
MattyJMP@reddit
"Come on then, who are you then?".
nrm94@reddit
Ronnie Pickering
Boldboy72@reddit
who?
nrm94@reddit
Ronnie Pickering!
HumanBeing7396@reddit
Who?
MrD-88@reddit
07:00 seeing the lads at the coffee machine
'Fuck sake, can't be arsed'
theprocrastatron@reddit
When its time for a guest to leave, you must stand up, slap both your thighs and say "right" so that they get the message.
Ok-Rate3106@reddit
Two immediate examples. Asking to be next when you see someone washing their car, and telling someone they've missed a spot when sweeping up
mka_@reddit
Walking past a stranger in the street and almost making contact but not quite and sometimes not even close... "oop, sorry", or "oop".
-Xserco-@reddit
Ask the correct sub. Because all 4 members of the UK say vastly different things.
feckarse-drinkgirls@reddit
Not a phrase but a noise
"WHEEEEEEYYY" when someone drops a glass in a pub
No_Application_8698@reddit
When you encounter the same person more than once within about 24-48hrs: “You following me!?”
Paperboy63@reddit
Someone with a coat on in the house “I’d take that off or you won’t feel the benefit when you go outside”.
Namelessbob123@reddit
“No thanks, I’m sweet enough” when refusing sugar in your tea/coffee.
chuckiestealady@reddit
*someone burps* “More tea, Vicar?”
P33tree@reddit
My dads favorites:
Born in a field?
You're like 'os muck.
It's like Blackpool Illuminations in here.
NecroVelcro@reddit
"Lovely weather", in conditions from brief, heavy showers to gales.
"Cold enough for you?": from a few degrees above freezing to snowmageddon.
chuckiestealady@reddit
*a sprinkle of light precipitation* “summer’s here!” Or “nice weather for ducks”
MttWhtly@reddit
I prefer "I take it they found you not guilty then"
colderthantoast@reddit
Sack the juggler if a hospitality worker drops glasses or plates. Every member of staff will hate you if you say this.
terryjuicelawson@reddit
Producing garlic bread often brings out Peter Kay impressions.
RoyofBungay@reddit
If a tourist asks me if I am local? I nearly always reply I am when I am here.
AdorableIncome4488@reddit
"It's chucking it down outside" when it's heavily raining. "It's a nice heat but a little muggy" when heat feels sticky. "You're making a meal out of it" when a small inconvenience has become bigger than it needed to.
spag2109@reddit
“I believe you, thousands wouldn’t”!
Jazzlike_Simple_5576@reddit
"That went well" when things are, in fact, not going well
Ok-Answer-7138@reddit
You can't park there, mate
morbidcuriosity123@reddit
Anywhere here is fine. And been busy? both for a taxi. Bit wet out there, raining. If you smell bbq, "someone's having a bbq"
Mc_and_SP@reddit
Cor blimey
sacrelidge@reddit
Crikey and whoopsie daisy
Clare_jesse1973@reddit
If you fall over, someone will always say ‘you want to take more with it’ - your drink, that is
ExPristina@reddit
If a motor vehicle has crashed in the middle or on the side of a road - “you can’t park there!”
UltimateT1tan@reddit
Who's the helmet wearing a helmet
Most of the time this would come from a supervisor, most of the time it would be aimed at the new dude
dekker87@reddit
I've currently got a torn rotator cuff....
guess how everyone is saying i did it?
Dear_General1657@reddit
Ahh. The wankers disorder.
I have RSI and have to wear a special wanking glove for support when typing….or wanking.
dekker87@reddit
Lolol
On the plus side my arms a little numb so.....you know...
Original_Trick7742@reddit
If someone shuts a door just a bit too firmly - “Well that’s THAT shut then”
At the sound of a baby/small child crying or having a tantrum in any public space - “Someone’s happy”
PricyRed_n_Blue@reddit
Or (for the door) "going to go outside and pick that up?"
PurahsHero@reddit
Shot flies way over the crossbar = "Wheyyyyyyyyyyy!!"
ODDxATLAS@reddit
'Just these two please mate' - when buying two small things at a corner shop. Or replace two with three.
But not 4 - after 4 you say 'just this lot please mate' - same as for one item.
I don't make the rules.
ambergriswoldo@reddit
“Lovely weather we’re having” - when it’s horribly stormy
Bensmokes@reddit
“Alright” with a small nod to anyone and everyone that you pass in the corridors of your workplace.
Used_Platform_3114@reddit
That’s hilarious because I just said this to a mate yesterday 😂 When I worked in an office and was the first person there in a morning, you could almost guarantee someone would say “What you doing here so early, shit the bed?”
One-Price680@reddit
Right!
x-3piecensoda@reddit
cant park there mate
thombutler@reddit
"Who's your mate?" for when you spot someone wearing an outfit vaguely similar to the person you are with.
I also like "oh look, it's your mate" when you see someone who the person you're with dislikes or has beef with.
Juddftw@reddit
Good weekend? When someone leaves work on a Friday and comes back in as they've forgotten something
Active_Definition_57@reddit
If it's not Friday. Is it morning already? I must have been here all night.
Natural-Ad2673@reddit
"I'll let you go" when you are the one that wants to leave the conversation
ll56yammy@reddit
“Wave when you get to the bridge”, for when you see someone picking their nose
Snoo_23014@reddit
"You missed a bit" to anyone cleaning something.
Own_Employment2007@reddit
If anyone one shouts "Oggy Oggy Oggy!" , the rest of the group must reply "Oi Oi Oi!".
It's the law. We don't why.
ReputationKind4628@reddit
Max Boyce is why 🏴
Own_Employment2007@reddit
Now I know! 🙏
Boldboy72@reddit
just like when you're in the pub and someone smashes a glass, it is mandatory for the whole pub to cheer
pjwlondon@reddit
When finally acknowledging that it's time to move on/stop nattering/leave the pub and get on with something tedious/useful/that pays your wages:
"Well, this won't buy the baby a new frock".
Jaded_Leg_46@reddit
A day or two before NYE there's always at least one person that says 'see you next year'
87catmama@reddit
'it must me free!' when someone doesn't scan at the checkout.
Chefdangerous-09@reddit
For some reason saying has cat died if someones trousers a too short or the socks still don’t know why
Adminisissy@reddit
Or their socks too short? Or too long?
Dear_General1657@reddit
It’s that their trousers are at “half mast” like a flag when someone important dies.
cheesytola@reddit
Also from Yorkshire I remember this. It’s because your trousers are at half mast
Foddley@reddit
I was just thinking that. I have no idea why either, it's just oddly funny.
Chefdangerous-09@reddit
Same any chance your northern as well ?
Foddley@reddit
That's often up for debate, but I'd say yes. I'm from Yorkshire.
Chefdangerous-09@reddit
Had a feeling southerners won’t say it
OldRancidOrange@reddit
Mustn’t grumble.
Snot_girl@reddit
If someone has trouble walking, pain when they move or complaining they've been walking a lot and it hurts 'aww, got a bone in your leg?'
OldRancidOrange@reddit
Let the dog see the rabbit.
CocoRufus@reddit
Cuppa?
No-Nectarine9714@reddit
If someone's ill " there's a lot going round"
Alexander-Wright@reddit
Thank you, to the bus driver, when you get off the bus.
CuriousPartner24@reddit
Pretty much any inbetweers remark, bus wankers is a great one to shout if your mates are getting the bus or ‘friendsss’ when someone speaks about another friend or person they have met
jazzyl2025@reddit
'Can't park there mate'
Last-Appointment9300@reddit
One someone leaves the workplace 5 minutes early 'thanks for popping in'
Dragonfruit7837@reddit
Cu🍆t when meet friends enemies or family
waisonline99@reddit
Have you had your ears lowered?
Dear_General1657@reddit
“See ya”
“Not if I see you first”
lumpyscud666@reddit
You can't park there mate. When someone crashes a car or it breaks down etc. normally responded to with a single fingered salute.
Individual-Many7619@reddit
Can’t do anything without saying ‘right’ first.
forget_it_again@reddit
At the end of the road turn left, right, then take the first right, right, head straight over the island, right and you see it in front of you, right 👌🏻
splendidvinyl@reddit
Neeeeeeew shooooooes?????????
griffaliff@reddit
I loved that advert.
snakeoildriller@reddit
Seeing someone washing a car "you can do mine next"
VideoDeadGamlng@reddit
Saying "i might" when you definitely will do something eg: "i might go down the pub", or "i might put the kettle on".
Beginning-Annual-860@reddit
Also “yeah sure, that sounds great” when you get invited to objectively the worst night out ever invented. Then wonder why you didn’t just say ‘sorry I’m washing my Dildo collection’ 😭😭😭
JeffSergeant@reddit
You know what? I think I might have another.
No-Consideration766@reddit
Oh god i definitely do this 😂🙈
Dear_General1657@reddit
Oh. A group of parents were taking about wearing vests at this time of year (start of May) when I dropped my kid off at the school.
None of them had ever heard the phrase:
“Cast n’er a clout ‘til May is out”
which, as far as I understand, means, “don’t take your vest off until May has finished”.
Dear_General1657@reddit
I only know this phrase from the Adrian Mole books so it might be a Black Country thing.
Potterheadsurfer@reddit
Car crash. “Can’t park there mate”
RatzzFace@reddit
Seeing someone speeding ... "He won't get there any quicker going that speed."
TheyCallMeBullet@reddit
You can’t park there
SirPooleyX@reddit
When someone arrives somewhere really early in the morning:
"Did you shit the bed?"
forget_it_again@reddit
Sorry
In most circumstances where it's not your fault
Dear_General1657@reddit
“Alright?” as a greeting with no desire whatsoever to actually know if the other person is actually alright or not.
SnooDonuts6494@reddit
If an ambulance goes by with the lights and sirens, I am obligated to say, "he won't sell many ice-creams travelling at that speed".
It's an old Morecambe and Wise joke.
For similar reasons, whenever someone coughs I shout "Arsenal!“
_Cridders_@reddit
"Alright Haircut", to anyone that's had a haircut.
And for a bit of added fun, "Who did that, the council?"
ItchyFormal9@reddit
Prank show from the 80s/90s where a woman thought an alien landed in her garden. Response- "do you want a cup of tea?" 🤣 https://youtu.be/qUNyffXPzO8?si=ex_rDVDMIfhKPuy1
SnooDonuts6494@reddit
In restaurants and pubs, you have to cheer whenever someone (especially a waiter) drops and breaks plates or glasses.
Snaggl3t00t4@reddit
Snaggl3t00t4@reddit
A drunken raucous 'Waaaaheeey' if someone drops glasses in the pub.
'
Dear_General1657@reddit
When an ambulance goes past: “He won’t sell many ice creams going that fast.”
quite_acceptable_man@reddit
When moving furniture: "To me. To you"
Impressive-Text-3778@reddit
Bollocks Cnut
cari-strat@reddit
"Did the shop have a bay window?" When someone buys something overpriced or otherwise not worth it. Implication being they must have seen you coming!
perpetualmentalist@reddit
Dryer than a nuns cunt, is one of my personal favourites.
snoobobbles@reddit
WAYYYYYYYY when a server drops the glasses
Foddley@reddit
If your trousers show too much of your ankles, your cat must have died.
Meshla-Beviin-Ordo@reddit
Thanks driver!
Long_Huckleberry1751@reddit
Cheers Drive!
Poo_Poo_La_Foo@reddit
[seeing someone drenched, head to toe]
"Raining out is it?"
Emergency_Cookie_318@reddit
"That's not going anywhere" every time you tie or fix something to something else.
Boldboy72@reddit
"hey mate, haven't seen you in ages!"
"yeah, I've been avoiding you"
ErmahgerdPerngwens@reddit
As it’s coming up to summer we’ll be overusing
“I’m hot. It’s well hot. Might be too hot”.
dekker87@reddit
ANYone who gets into work after i've arrived...
'AFTERNOON!'
DeivernaV@reddit
Fuck a duck goes well with any situation and laughs follow in my book
jungleddd@reddit
When 2 people carry a long piece of furniture, they have to say “to me, to you”
Asylum_Brews@reddit
"See you tomorrow"
*Forgets something and have to go back in
"Morning"
dekker87@reddit
lol - pretty much me leaving work every day...
'Thought i'd start early!'
Turbojelly@reddit
"You can't park there mate" at a car accident.
"Bit chilly" when it's really cold.
naaattt@reddit
From any manager ever when you ask them how they are : LIVING THE DREAM, MATE, LIVING THE DREAM
Potential-Bird-5826@reddit
"You can't park there mate " for someone who clearly hadn't intended to park somewhere or has run their car into a ditch
ZoltanGertrude@reddit
When describing the most amazing experience or meal, the highest praise is 'quite good'.
trustmeimabuilder@reddit
To anyone painting - You missed a bit.
To anyone washing their car - You can do mine next.
FullOnRainstorm13@reddit
*to anyone cleaning anything - you missed a bit. Hilarious to hear as a barista 50 times a day /s
Loud-Refrigerator675@reddit
We'll have to go for a coffee sometime
To someone you have no intention of seeing ever again for as long as you exist
JeffSergeant@reddit
"Let's not leave it so long next time" means the same.
WinkyNurdo@reddit
*sound of glass smashing on floor
“WAHEEEEEY!”
No-Consideration766@reddit
Any Gavin and Stacy quote in existence
Meshla-Beviin-Ordo@reddit
"thank you driver!"
skelly890@reddit
Car a tangled heap of metal?
"Oh, that'll buff out."
AncientAndEvil@reddit
“Mustn’t grumble “ when someone asks you how its going?
No-Consideration766@reddit
Any vehicle that has crashed or in a place it shouldn’t, bushes, a ditch etc
“Can’t park there mate!”
yearsofpractice@reddit
If anyone’s five minutes early to work
To which the standard response is
naaattt@reddit
How’s the weather up there!
Weaselux@reddit
Can't park there mate any time someone has a traffic mishap. Particularly important if it doesn't involve a road vehicle.
MissionSir6622@reddit
"Hmm, interesting"
When faced with something completely at odds with what we expected...
fr1234@reddit
“Lovely day for it” when walking past someone else in the rain
Worried_Sweet_7085@reddit
"Yeah, if I was a duck"
dnf1957@reddit
Two people in conversation, when one agrees with the other one he replies "yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah"
fastestman4704@reddit
He will?
Goose-rider3000@reddit (OP)
Certainly in my social circles. We are of course all top level banterist!
fastestman4704@reddit
Respectfully, I am glad our circles do not overlap.
Goose-rider3000@reddit (OP)
You’re missing out
davus_maximus@reddit
I don't make the law!
FluffyBunnyFlipFlops@reddit
When someone drops plates in a restaurant. "Sack the juggler!"
mrpeagrub@reddit
It is what it is
Resipsa100@reddit
That sounded much better in your head
Luverlyjuberly@reddit
You missed a bit
sneaksby@reddit
There aren't any, hth.
Mc_and_SP@reddit
Cor blimey
DivePotato@reddit
Wakes up. “Fuck this shit”
Negative-Fondant1373@reddit
Do you know who I am? I’m Ronnie Pickering!
custard-powder@reddit
Freshen up ya tea g’vnor
richardson1162@reddit
When the phone rings “that rings a bell”
Gullible_fool_99@reddit
In a pub and someone drops a glass, you MUST cheer loudly.
donkey-oh-tea@reddit
"Wreeeeeeeeeeey! Sack the juggler!" If hospitality staff drop a glass/plate etc.
1whoisconcerned@reddit
Fancy a cuppa?
Lordaucklandx@reddit
Now in a minute
Pigmy_Shrew@reddit
On seeing any crashed vehicle, "You can't park there!". 😜🤣
Oxford-Gargoyle@reddit
Can’t park there mate.
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