Anyone from a dysfunctional family actually managed to improve their family dynamic? How on earth did you do it?
Posted by According_Sundae_917@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 27 comments
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Baby8227@reddit
I no longer drink to get drunk. I can have one drink and walk away. I don’t want my child growing up with the same toxic attitude towards alcohol that I did.
smithykate@reddit
You can’t change the dynamic by yourself, but you can change how much it bothers you.
You can’t change people, only they can do that themselves. I have a dysfunctional family and my husband has a very dysfunctional one. We’re are very low contact with his and we manage our time and involvement with mine. I’ve got better over the years at growing out of the dynamic I.e. I am no longer at my mums beck and call, I do not rely on her for anything and I understand her enough now to know that she loves me but is not capable of supporting or offering loyalty or emotional care. I changed my life so these things don’t constantly seep in to the other parts of my life and make me crumble.
Wooden_Astronaut4668@reddit
dysfunctional family.
Concentrating on my own little family Ive made, my actual family are beyond intervention!
Blue-flash@reddit
As an adult, kind of. We’ve made it clear that we won’t tolerate any of the angry behaviour that marked our childhood aimed at our kids, so my dad is often far better at keeping himself under control. I guess it s a different dynamic with grandchildren, but he’s a far better grandparent than he was father; and actually better father now than he was when we were kids. Maybe my mum’s just drugging his tea, I don’t know…
Radiant-Mycologist72@reddit
My relationship with my family improved dramatically when I moved out and set clear boundaries. I basically went low contact until they started acting better. By the time I had a family myself, we have a good relationship.
Suskita@reddit
Go no or at least low contact, don't have kids yourself.
hunsnet457@reddit
Both my parents’ parents died and they realised that all of their problems were only problems because their parents conditioned them to think they were.
They became completely different people and whilst I wouldn’t go as far as saying we’re a family now, we’re more like ‘old work colleagues’ that shoot the shit whenever we all meet up.
ClarifyingMe@reddit
No, and if they don't want to improve nothing will change. I just have to live my life how I can.
Fine_Analyst_4408@reddit
My grandad molested me when I was 15 and he did the same to my sister. My mom didn't want to involve police so all the adults pretended it didn't happen. It destroyed our family and I became increasingly distant and angry. Then it turned out that he continued to molest my sister into her 20s. Our family managed to create a perfect victim. I wasn't a perfect victim, I never went near him again and I increasingly let my family know I was simmering with rage underneath. I ended up blowing up at my mom and going no contact for a bit. Mom ended up speaking with her estranged sister after a different family drama emerged and they started talking about my grandad and what he did. My aunt claimed not to know which was a lie, and this led to a fight and then my mom finally confronting my grandad and expelling him from the family. He didn't deny anything, no sorry, just concern about the police getting involved. After 20 years, it feels like our family can heal.
Redgrapefruitrage@reddit
Improve it? No, I never did.
I moved out, got married, got my own home where I live by my rules. It gave me the confidence to speak up when I felt family were being out of line, and keeps family at arms length away when I need time away from them. It’s improved our relationship.!I love them, but I couldn’t live with them ever again.
TL;DR - No, I escaped the family home and set my own boundaries.
sunheadeddeity@reddit
I spent years trying to fix it before therapy helped me understand that all I could fix was my own shit. So I keep my side of the street clean, disengage when I see my triggers looming, and let them get on with whatever. Hope you can find a way to manage things OP.
Jin-shei@reddit
Same here, I set clear boundaries and those that violated them were met with the consequences of their choices. That has ranged from my dad changing his behaviour to cutting a foster sibling off entirely. So much less drama.
Therapy taught me that their feelings and behaviour belong to them.
No_Mood1492@reddit
No. Now I go for an arms length approach to protect my own wellbeing without having to cut them off (that would make me feel worse.)
It hasn't magically improved the family dynamic, but when shit hits the fan I can think it's not my problem and disengage.
It's been beneficial during times of bereavement because deep down they're not actually horrible, they were just fucked up by the same dynamic as me and unluckily for them don't have my level of introspection.
Important_Lychee6925@reddit
Nope. Tried talking about issues on advice of a therapist, wrote my dad a letter. Him and his wife decided to cut me off for “bringing shit up”, the “shit” being that my mum died when i was 14 and we’ve never really talked about it or the impact it had. I was sad for about a year but now I feel ok as I realised I was the one making all the effort: phone calls and visits anyway. I was basically always begging for effort from my dad and rather than even make 10% change, he cut me off. Oh well, horse to water and all that.
WatchingTellyNow@reddit
The desire to fix things and the willingness to put in the effort has to come consistently from everyone involved. How likely is that ...?
You can only change yourself, whether that's what you do or how you respond to what others do, but you can't change what they do. So you might find more peace if the decision to move away from the toxicity and leave it in your past.
katie-kaboom@reddit
Birth family? Distance, primarily, both physical and emotional. I limit my communication with them and control what information I share. I avoid talking about some topics (like politics). I walk away from fights. Basically, I recognise that I can't control or fix them, so I don't try. I just consciously refuse to play to the extent that I am able to do so.
Child and partner? I have simply chosen to do things differently. I didn't want my son to grow up like I did, and I didn't want to turn into my mother, so I have made choices from the day he was born that would guide us away from that. Similarly, I chose to be with my partner specifically because we could have a different type of relationship.
liebackandthinkofeng@reddit
A lot of therapy and accepting that I can’t change the way my siblings act or the amount of effort they make with me. I meet them where they’re at and I reciprocate. If they choose not to check in or ask to see me, okay fine. But it works both ways. If they want to meet up or plan a day out, make an effort to bond with my kids then fantastic. I’m not particularly close with any of them, but we get on and things have improved over the last couple of years. It’s certainly better than during Covid when I essentially cut them all off for the sake of my mental health.
CuriousQS_@reddit
Stefano Molyneux does a lot of talking on this subject.
Also, understanding the root cause of the the dysfunction helps you to spot it in yourself, and correct it. The first step is recognising the dysfunction and the triggers for it.
Lion-Resident@reddit
I don't see them much or engage with them. I focus on me and my own family now which is much more peaceful
VolcanicBear@reddit
Me and my brother never really got on. He doesn't get on well with my Dad either, despite my brother definitely trying a lot harder now. My Dad unfortunately can't help but make little digs.
His and my relationship genuinely really improved when he moved to Japan. We now enjoy the brief periods of time we spend together.
No-Taro-6953@reddit
It's not possible.
Assuming your family are all adults, it's nigh on impossible for toxic people to change. Their coping mechanisms are firmly entrenched and it's too risky to their ego to deviate from their established, toxic, maladaptive coping mechanisms.
You can make have a successful surface level relationship with them, but unless they've 1. Shown genuine remorse 2. Acknowledged harms they've done 3. Are in therapy... Then it's surface level. The toxicity is beneath the surface, always.
If you want to have a nontoxic family, you have to grieve for the toxic family you do have, distance yourself emotionally and/or physically and create your own family (however they looks to you) with heslthier habits.
You cant make toxic people behave in a healthy way. You can't fix unhealthy family dynamics by yourself
TheNinjaPixie@reddit
When you are growing a beautiful garden, sometimes you have to prune, and prune hard to get rid of the rotten bits and the broken pieces and the dead wood. You cannot mend it, or fix it up, all you can do is remove and burn all of the damage so the rest of the plant can then flourish. In the same way you can't hope that people who don't want to change or are too far gone to change will indeed change. Sometimes you have to start afresh, just taking the healthy bits with you and go LC or NC with anyone who is inflicting bad attitudes on your peace.
It seems you seek positive tales of those who did turn it around but one person cannot make this happen, everyone needs to put the work in. Family doesn't mean the people who birthed you, your friend groups can be your family. Look to nourish the positive people in your life and stop watering the negative ones.
Defiant_Put_7542@reddit
It completely depends on the situation, of course, but I fixed my family situation of myself by learning to let go.
I had to let go of the idea that if I just kept trying, and hoping, and pretending everything was ok, I could get my innately unloving family of origin to finally love me.
To rephrase an analogy I've seen, I was looking for bananas in B&Q. B&Q don't sell bananas, and they are not intending to start. But I was locked into 'magical thinking', something that many childhood trauma survivors experience.
Permenant etrangement is an experience i wouldn't wish on anyone, but my nervous system is appreciating me being an orphan-by-choice. I won't be having children of my own, so I get to break the cycle of family dysfunction the easy way.
lavayuki@reddit
Distance and therapy for me. My parents live in Ireland so they are not nearby, I have not seen them in years.
I had a few sessions of therapy which was ok. But creating both emotional and physical distance and making new relationships was what helped me.
I have a good relationship with my aunt in London, who I see as a mum I never had so that helps.
I also have friends from similarly dysfunctional families, so although not exactly helpful, ranting to each other and sharing the pain helps me personally. We are all women as well, so we enjoy these ranting sessions without solutions from time to time
Ambitious-Elk-3350@reddit
Cut them off. Lovely peace now.
-aLonelyImpulse@reddit
Unfortunately I had it in my head that I could fix generations of abuse and toxicity and it kept me in a harmful situation for over a decade more than I should have been there.
I eventually improved my family dynamic by cutting off pretty much the entirety of my family, and bouncing. My family now is my little brother, and my husband. The problem has been solved.
I wouldn't necessarily wish such a drastic solution on anyone, as it means something has obviously gone painfully wrong. But please don't expose yourself to further harm if it's a lost cause. It is NOT your responsibility to fix your family dysfunction.
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