I posted on here recently about moving all of her stuff out. I officially moved my mom into an assisted living today.
Posted by Therealfern1@reddit | Xennials | View on Reddit | 137 comments
MysteriousCicada5012@reddit
Cool! Harland Williams likes Blood Incantation!
archliberal@reddit
Visit her often and bring her things from the outside she likes to read and eat.
DieAloneWith72Cats@reddit
This is the best advice. I used to work in long term care, the isolation causes people to rapidly decline. Regular contact (phone, visits, cards, etc) is the best thing you can do for her.
Even though she will have proximity to other humans, doesn’t mean she will actively/willfully interact with them. I’ve watched residents sit in their rooms 24/7 for years, it’s very sad.
NighthawkCP@reddit
Yea my father-in-law is like this. We moved him to an assisted living facility very close to us last year (like one mile from my house). It's not the fanciest place but it isn't a bad or substandard one and they have a decent number of other residents. They have a laundry list of activities they do every day and he won't do any of them. When we first moved him in my wife would go over almost every day and try to get him to come over to our house, which is a ranch house with a single step to get in from the carport. He can easily come in, he can sit out in the yard (which he used to do all the time at his mothers house), my wife will make nice meals for him, his grandkids are here, etc. We've gotten him over here once in a year. The man is barely 70 years old but is completely content to just sit in his bed all day and watch old episodes of Matlock, Gunsmoke, or whatever old shows are on television. His mother is still alive and wanted to come see him as she hasn't seen him in a year and my wife couldn't get him to allow her to come over and he wouldn't go up there to see her either. He has some hip issues but nothing THAT serious, but he always has excuses. It's ridiculous how he's basically given up on doing fucking anything. Now he just calls my wife to bring him things like cough drops so she only visits him about once a week to get his laundry and bring him the things he wants.
Straight_Button_5716@reddit
He may need counseling . It’s a lot to love from a home into that atmsospherr . I know it’s frustrating but try some grace.
DieAloneWith72Cats@reddit
He sounds depressed. It’s sad watching a loved one not accept help/do what’s best for themselves
NighthawkCP@reddit
Yep but he doesn't trust psychiatry or psychology. He's a pretty paranoid person as well as being a fucking hoarder. My wife has mental health issues just like her mom and dad, but unlike them she's sought out professional help and got it under control most of the time. Her parents have all sorts of undiagnosed mental health issues but neither of them will seek treatment.
Hellojeds@reddit
I'm so sorry. I absolutely get it. Sometimes all we can do is vent about it. You have my sympathies.
DieAloneWith72Cats@reddit
That’s rough
Fickle_Wrangler_7439@reddit
Some people just want to be done.
My step-drandmother has been like this for 2 decades, just waiting around to die. The Universe really flipped the script on her with such a long life. She's nearly 100, despite not being active or social, and still smokes and eats ham every day.
Disarming_Sapphire@reddit
This is my mom. It's the most infuriating thing to watch.
Marchesa_07@reddit
This is heartbreaking to read.
Senbonbanana@reddit
To be honest, I will probably be one of those residents that sit in their room 24/7/365 if I'm ever put into a home. I live alone and value my solitude greatly. It's going to be Hell on Earth for me to be forced into a situation I have to hear and smell gross people every day. Instead of waking up to the sound of birds (or no sound at all in the winter), I'll get to wake up to Mr. Snuffy down the hall screaming incoherently while the smell of human shit and spoiled milk fills the air.
Repulsive_Agency6748@reddit
Are they accepting healthy, middle aged men? Because the idea of being left alone in my living quarters for years at a time sounds pretty fucking awesome.
Mysterious_Carpet752@reddit
Right? I’m 40f and that sounds awesome.
Mind-of-Jaxon@reddit
My uncle 85 had onset Alzheimer’s. Me my father and my uncles wife who lived with him and took care of him, with a home health nurse helping , did what we could to help him as her. visit take him out . Fresh air, interacting with friends and people. He loved it. Though he needed hello getting cleaned up and dressed of course
Then Covid happened .
And ever before he had good days and that look of recognizing people often and could hold conversations for a few good minutes.
Once Covid hit and everyone was inside and not socializing it was like he went off a cliff and it all got worse. At most my aunt would take him out for drives. But there would be no one around. And soon by May. He didn’t even want to get out of bed. Or see People
It was so sudden and sad.
Peanut083@reddit
My MIL isn’t in assisted living/aged care yet, although I think she’s reaching the point where she’s going to seriously need to consider it a lot faster than she’s prepared to admit. She lives by herself, and is reasonably social, although she’s definitely slowing down. Especially since she managed to write her car off with the damage she caused by scraping up the entire left side while attempting to navigate a tricky turn in her apartment complex’s garage. My husband and SIL had been trying to convince her to give the car up for a couple of years prior to the incident, and we’re all glad that she didn’t have an accident at speed or involving any other people and/or cars.
We live a few hours’ drive away from my MIL, although it’s a fairly easy drive to get to her place from ours. My husband Facetimes her every day, which I think is helpful. He wants to go visit her more often, but she keeps putting him off because in her mind, it’s too far for him/us to drive to her place and back home in one day. The drive is a really smooth drive both ways, except for maybe the last 30 minutes getting to her place/first 30 minutes when leaving. Unfortunately, because my MIL keeps insisting that my husband not come visit, it puts a lot more pressure on my SIL, who only lives about a 30 minute drive away. My MIL can be quite nasty to my SIL, and my SIL’s kids are also younger than mine and my husband’s, so it’s overall quite a stressful situation for my SIL.
As prickly as my MIL can be, I do think that the regular contact she has with both my husband and his sister does help her from declining more rapidly than she has. We’ve all been saying that she needs to consider moving somewhere where she can have her own living space/apartment, but also has 24/7 medical staff on site so there’s someone around if she needs that care. She’s fortunate that she’s in a position where she can afford to go into a facility like that, but she won’t even consider it yet and she’s already in her mid-80s. I just hope she can make that decision for herself before someone else needs to make decisions for her, or there’s a situation where circumstances make the decision for her.
DieAloneWith72Cats@reddit
It’s such a tough call sometimes.
It’s an easy decision when they’re a danger to themselves or others. When they’re still mostly independent, it’s harder because her mental/emotional/social needs have to be considered.
Peanut083@reddit
Yeah, I have no direct involvement in these conversations with my MIL, and I’m still not looking forward to the day when her care needs reach the point where she no longer has a choice. She’s going to be a nightmare to deal with when the day comes. In saying that, my MIL was adamant about not wanting to give up her car, despite knowing that she should. However, when her insurance said it was going to be too expensive to repair the panel damage on her car and wrote it off, she handled not having a car any more a lot better than we all thought she would.
When we went to visit a few weeks ago for my MIL’s birthday, she was having moments moving around in public where she needed to hang onto someone to maintain her balance when walking. She’s also having issues with her vision. She had to see her eye specialist about a week after our visit, and apparently the pressure in her eyes was so bad at the appointment that if she’d waited even another few days, she probably would have ended up blind. Thankfully, she was given a prescription for some medication and told to take it and come back in a few hours’ time. When she went back after taking it, the pressure in her eyes was back down within a normal range.
pogulup@reddit
That's what my dad does. He will have nothing to do with anything going on. There is one lady who took a fancy to him and made him more social. Unfortunately, he continued to decline and out paced her to a higher care need. His catheter has almost killed him twice in the last 5 months. It is kind of only a matter of time at this point.
fattycatty6@reddit
I currently work in one and can co.nfirm. ours is a high end assisted living, staff tries, they have fun events, trips out and it's literally the same few (very few) people that partake. Some come in all happy and get into a swing of just hanging in their rooms. Definitely keep in touch, or if you can, maybe take her out for an afternoon or a meal here and there.
StreetCarp665@reddit
Hard agree with this.
u/Therealfern1 she might like this sci-fi novel, by Brian Aldiss:
glassmunkey@reddit
I caught that
DangerousLoner@reddit
Smuggled in jelly beans were my Mom’s fave
TehPaintbrushJester@reddit
Great advice! Most local libraries will allow your mom to add you as a designated pick up person for holds. They'll also have large print books should she need those to keep enjoying books. This way she can read what she loves, you can pick the books up for her, and you get a visit out of it ❤️
amazonhelpless@reddit
Sending strength.
tripletaco@reddit
We are now the adults in the room. It is scary and sad to witness this with our parents, but now they need us every bit as much as we still need them - all while our kids need us at the same time. It's super hard.
Take care of your mom - that guarded smile you have in this photo tells me you already do a hell of a job with that.
Peace to you and your family.
Doublestack2411@reddit
NIce shirt, great album.
DangerousLoner@reddit
Visit every day if you can. I always did morning dressing and breakfast. It’s a lot, but she would have done it for you.
Shington501@reddit
Play them old folks some Blood Incantation, take them to another dimension
Pickled_sm0res@reddit
People live longer being with family, wish this country made it easier to have home nurses 🩷
bumblebeetown@reddit
Why do I have childhood memories of my parents grandparents still doing fucking house construction projects until they died at 90+? And barely a decade ago my grandparents started dying, but they were living in their own homes and bopping around without too many issues, but now both my parents, ~60, are withering and decrepit? Oh, and they won't be leaving me any money, just piles of plastic they bought from Temu.
Don_Shetland@reddit
Blood incantation, fuck ya
Total_Blueberry_5799@reddit
Sorry you had to do this. I've heard mixed reviews about these places and seen some interesting things. But I live in South Florida which is a terrible area for these types of things. Mainly because the system is overloaded with all the seniors. And the workers being incompetent. I sold my place and moved in with my mom a few years ago to try and avoid this situation. Things are going slightly better I try to keep her busy and run all her errands. But I'm only one person. Most of you have families/kids. So it makes it a bit tougher. Either way be sure to visit your mom and give her lots of love. The main thing you hear from these workers at senior facilities is how little families tent to visit their loved ones. Don't be that person
cherhorowitz44@reddit
You’re a really good son 🩷
Jungleradio@reddit
I put my mom in a memory care home in 2017…easily the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do. Like others said, visit often! Showing your face is good for her, you, and the staff. It shows the staff you’re not just “storing” her there. Also, speak to the staff occasionally (ask about mom, themselves, and anything you can do to help), and even bring donuts or something similar once in a while. Might sound silly, but I’m convinced it makes a difference.
Wishing you, her, and the whole fam best of luck.
Green_Machine_4077@reddit
illegible death metal band logo detected.
006AlecTrevelyan@reddit
Blood Incantation
Agreeable-Spot-7376@reddit
It’s a retirement community!!
ShoreGuy7678@reddit
Did you get your ma the Silver Bird package?
OldArtichoke433@reddit
More and more each day I feel older and older and find myself center stage in situations and dealing with issues only the grown ups used to talk about not very long ago.
aliciadina@reddit
This hit hard. It feels like not long ago my dad was dealing with the death of his mom and now I deal with my loss of him. It really feels like a blink of the eye and makes me feel old yet not old enough to deal with things like this… which I guess you’re never old enough for.
bluemitersaw@reddit
My grandma (Dad's mom) died in 2021. My dad died last year. Literally 4 yrs apart to the day. They'd only gotten rid of the last of her things a yr prior.
cloudydays2021@reddit
It’s very hard making these decisions. Best of luck to you and your mom with this new chapter 💕
Striking-Win-3239@reddit
I am looking at long term care facilities to move my mom into. It’s really tough.
absentlyric@reddit
Im glad I have an exit plan, I hope as we get older they pass more laws to allow right to death and assisted suicide. I do NOT want to end up like this trapped in my own flesh prison.
theluzah@reddit
You're a great son, and I love your Blood Incantation shirt
professorpumpkins@reddit
You’re a good son. 💖
raelovesryan@reddit
We took the kids (who were both under 6 at the time) every week for visits with our Nana when she entered assisted living. The best part is every holiday we decorated her door with tons of fun items (mostly from the Dollar store). It made her feel so happy! It’s the little things that can make the biggest impact
Terpey_Walrus420@reddit
Harland Williams? Is that you?
martialar@reddit
step into my office!
CalibratedEnthusiast@reddit
^i ^love ^butterstuff
CalibratedEnthusiast@reddit
^I ^love ^butterstuff
translinguistic@reddit
Or Ryan Sickler
RushBubbly6955@reddit
I thought this was David Arquette.
YakiVegas@reddit
Sorry, man. Glad you can afford it, but that's a tough situation to be in. May the rest of your time together be wonderful!
Substantial-Tart-464@reddit
My mom herself can afford it and probably better off but my brother, GF, and child can't.
Alternative-Wish-441@reddit
My great aunt fought tooth and nail to keep my great grandma from going to a nursing home. It finally happened because of a surgery as a temporary solution. My great aunt was mad because no one was willing to force one of the young adults in the family to quit their job and move in with her. Great grandma loved it once she got there. She was a social butterfly and thrived on the routine interactions and happily participated in every scheduled event available. She was so much happier than living at home.
BetMyLastKrispyKreme@reddit
Those “helper” siblings can be a nightmare. My aunt, who’s the baby (in her 70s) feels compelled to insert herself in the lives of her older brother (my dad) and my aunt (in her 80s, with dementia). Meddler Aunt made my cousin, the eldest daughter of Dementia Aunt, so fed up with her interference that she’s blocked Meddler Aunt’s calls. I can foresee a time when I may have to do that, too.
Alternative-Wish-441@reddit
In this case it was my great grandma’s own child. My great aunt, my grandma’s sister, was against nursing homes.
It was wonderful to visit my great grandma there. She’d introduce me to her “coffee friends” and they’d fawn over myself and my children. It was fun to hear her talk about what she’d done all week and we were fortunate that she was mentally cognizant and able to share stories to the end.
ConnectKale@reddit
Thats hard. Care taking is hard.
TinyGIR@reddit
Currently living it. Yes, it is.
BoredAccountant@reddit
Are you paying for it? Or did she plan ahead for long term care?
Therealfern1@reddit (OP)
Sister and I are footing most of the bill. She has a couple pensions and some other assistance
BoredAccountant@reddit
Glad to hear you have a sibling who can help. It's rough to go it alone. My partner and I are going through that now with her mom. We're thinking now the best we can swing is hospice care when she gets to that pont, but even that will run us about $5k/month. It's tough getting old.
GeeAyeAreElle@reddit
As someone who works in such a facility.. she and you will be so much better off..she has eyes on her 24/7. You get peace from that! Visit often. Be kind to the staff. They will go out of their way to keep an eye on her and alter you to any changes since they are the ones seeing her every day. Ive never seen anyone NOT thrive once moved in and adjusted.
Large-Inspection-487@reddit
Your mom’s crocs and socks are dope.
Corporate-Scum@reddit
It feels too damn early for this but so many of our parents are in their 70s and pushing 80. You’re not alone. They’re tough.
NoContextCarl@reddit
Good job man. Still wish my mom was around, so good work.
emotyofform2020@reddit
All life is temporary
What’s left
Is consciousness
International_Link35@reddit
This is what I do for a living. Assisted living, memory care, clean outs. It's depressing as all hell most days.
Thank you for being involved!!! It makes SO much of a difference when family is part of the process.
Savedbythebell98@reddit
Thank you for what you do!
JamesLingk@reddit
Blood Incantation friend! My mom’s in a home too!
LlewellynSinclair@reddit
Had to move my parents into one a couple of years ago. Tough but the right decision.
VelourSin@reddit
That's a huge step, hope she settles in well and discovers some new friends.
LastCookie3448@reddit
That’s not easy, even when it’s a mutual decision. Just know, it’s usually about two weeks before residents really start settling in (the’ve got the routines down, now it’s time to find their people, find their place). I hope she finds much happiness in her new chapter.
LastCookie3448@reddit
Ps: some people aren’t aware but even when the facility has good food, it’s still institutionalized food, thus food quality the #1 complaint of residents regardless of when and where.
OG_Cryptkeeper@reddit
At least you’re wearing a Blood Incantation tee and old school vans.
CarpKingCole@reddit
he's just helping his mom pass through the Stargate so they can eventually be together again
Vox_Mortem@reddit
OG_Cryptkeeper@reddit
It clearly says “Forrest of Doom”
Sad_Training_1595@reddit
Lol found the poser
Vox_Mortem@reddit
Found the poseur! It's definitely Suicide Forest! It's from their album Putrefying Corpse Trees.
Deut008@reddit
Isn’t that a Tim Burton movie?
OG_Cryptkeeper@reddit
No way I was at the last SF show where they had a bonfire!
Available-Crow-3442@reddit
You’re both wrong. It’s a bootleg of Impaled Northern Moonforest from a rare live show above the North Pole in Norway during the Winter Solstice.
Yes that’s actually a band. Albeit Seth Putnam’s “black metal” project.
just-_-just@reddit
It's always Anthrax.
DDrewit@reddit
https://www.reddit.com/r/ExplainTheJoke/s/3yigI2kK4F
hwcbyrd@reddit
Blood Incantation rips. Sorry about your mom.
Deep-Ad4351@reddit
Came here to shout out the Blood Incantation shirt ❤️
nahmahnahm@reddit
I did a quick glance and thought it was a Thrasher shirt. Then I zoomed in.
WarhammerRyan@reddit
I hope they can give her care and dignity, amd I hope you are.doing ok
sedatedforlife@reddit
Her hair is beautiful!
MossGobbo@reddit
That's rough man. Visit but not on a schedule and bring her little presents or books if she's a reader.
Michaelscottlaptop@reddit
Blood incantation rules!
guyincognito121@reddit
What I'm really not looking forward to is the fact that my mom is clearly experiencing cognitive decline and has made it very clear that she wants to go out via MAID before she becomes highly compromised. I think there's a good chance that I'll need to have a big role in that if I'm actually going to fully respect her wishes.
bquietson@reddit
Blood Incantation is awesome.
edwardturnerlives@reddit
Tell your mom to take a huge bong hit and listen to Tablet I for me. \m/ \m/
CrunchyDonut42@reddit
Just make sure that she removes her nasal cannula, and she is far from her O2 before lighting up her bong.
Pure oxygen + open flame = a bad time.
ughyoujag@reddit
You’re giving me Jason Segal rn.
DragonsGape@reddit
Maleficent-Sun6437@reddit
Yes and that’s a good thing!
ughyoujag@reddit
Yes. I meant it complimentary!
MooingTree@reddit
Shout out to /r/agingparents
I
jowco@reddit
I thought my man was wearing a spiderman tshirt.
AltruisticBus8305@reddit
🫡🙏
pug_fugly_moe@reddit
All life is temporary. What lasts is consciousness.
You’re a good kid.
UnfortunateSnort12@reddit
Glad you and your mom are still on speaking terms! Me… not so much.
yeuzinips@reddit
How old is she, if you don't mind my asking
Therealfern1@reddit (OP)
84 next month
tweetyonetwothree@reddit
Hope she likes her new place. It's hard. It took my mom a while to adjust.
actionerror@reddit
It’s starting to be that time. Parents aging, aunts and uncles start dying. I’m not looking forward to it.
Retro_Hoard@reddit
Makes me sad, I took care of my parents and to see them decline in stages. Rebuilding now.
brainvheart143@reddit
You did the right thing man, congrats on getting it done. Love her style :)
StreetCarp665@reddit
will you be
Absolute(ly) Everywhere
with her?
Ambitious_Toe_4357@reddit
You're next
Stnrken@reddit
Fuck yeah Blood Incantation!
Expensive_Banana3002@reddit
That's tough. Just remember to visit often. I'm sure there are plenty of activities and staff to watch after moms, but it can still be a lonely situation. Hopefully she's in a place close by.
Ok-Change6854@reddit
She will be well taken care of there
SBMoo24@reddit
I'm so sorry. I'm sure it's been a hard day.
Ps. You're really good looking!
trustme1maDR@reddit
Oh man, I know this feeling. It's a profound sense of relief when you know your parent is safe. Take a deep breath and get some rest.
Top_Chard5757@reddit
I’m right there with you. Power of Attorney. It takes some getting used to
KoRaZee@reddit
Why are you posting this picture of Kyle Shanahan
pibbleshitinheb@reddit
Is she cool with it?
Burlington-bloke@reddit
Seeing your mum breaks my heart. My Nanny who raised me died of COPD. Whenever I see an older lady with an oxygen tube brings it all back. May she be happy in her new home. 🥰
peekaboooobakeep@reddit
I love the new version of frosted tips XD
InvestmentMain8414@reddit
As a fellow caregiver, I am so happy for both of you.
Dont know if AL told you, but it can take 30 days for them to settle into the new routine.
BeenisHat@reddit
I wish we could do that for my in-laws. They really need it but there's no money to make that happen.
Expensive-Day-3551@reddit
Idk why but you kind of remind me of Ryan Reynolds in this pic
EmperorGrinnar@reddit
It sucks, but I'm hope you visit her as often as you can. It's important to keep connected.
DoodleDoo1989@reddit
Oh man, sending positive vibes your way.
cashews_clay15@reddit
About to do the same. And take away the car keys. She’s going to fight every step of the way.
scottyv99@reddit
I’m about to do the same. At first, I felt a lot of guilt, but seeing her thrive in the nursing facility with the structure, social aspect, and caregiving has me so happy for her and our relationship!
Humble_Ladder@reddit
Did that a year ago. It's intense. It's the right place once they need it.
The_best_is_yet@reddit
hey, i know it's hard, but it's the right thing. sending you both hugs.
whiskeytown79@reddit
I hope she likes it! My mom had notes about the place we got her into, but it's actually quite nice and I am relieved that someone is able to make sure she eats enough and gets all her meds.
Timely_Help_4065@reddit
Son of the year!!!