Does anyone else have an exhausting parent?

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Finding_Way_@reddit

I want to applaud you for recognizing that your sister is a saint.

One of hardest things about being the caretaker is having siblings that don't appreciate what you do and they're constantly saying what should be done while not wanting to step up and do anything.

You are wonderful for seeing what your sister is having to go through. Keep up that support.

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Acceptable-Stable-36@reddit

That was my first thought,you never hear adult siblings in this situation give a shout out like that, especially when it’s to a world of strangers who are irrelevant in her life.

Despite being a GENXR, my parents are still working and in great health. I’m 50, they 71, but I cannot prepare for the day when something changes. I can, but it seems like it’ll be more difficult as we’ve been through this aging thing together sometimes.

I had knee replacement, and a spine surgery (I was a professional mountain climbing gear tester) we laugh about it, but I hope they know that I have taken care of any issues of my own with them in mind. We never talk about it though, and they’re divorced. Both have long time, same age partners and my only siblings are two sisters, 29 & 30, adopted from China by my dad and stepmom, but they’re both across the country getting their phd’s and grew up very entitled and under the impression from stepmom that I was basically a bad decision for a 20 year old man.

They are aloof, they used to refer to me as their “sister thingy” to their friends who would ask. My stepmom is Asian so the dynamics were confusing, but I don’t foresee any productive communication or planning with them. They aren’t really close, anyway, food for thought.

Just remembered that song, “Where I’m From” by Digable Planets Godspeed

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chipinserted@reddit (OP)

I try I knew my mother was difficult but Jesus I honestly can't believe what my sister was dealing with daily and then my mom gets angry if my sister needs time away I mean how blind can she be

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trUth_b0mbs@reddit

my mom...which is why we are low contact.

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According_Today5500@reddit

My mum is my best friend and I ring her every day for up to an hour. She only lives 30 minutes away. But yeah she can be a lot - so can I She says the truth and sometimes that is not what I want to hear. 🙃She is 81 soon. I’m grateful to have her.

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SignificantTear7529@reddit

Your mom had a stroke. It changes personality and cognition.. I'm not medical enough to explain it, but I've seen it several times. For you sister please go to a PCP appointment with your mom so she can get appropriate medications.

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chipinserted@reddit (OP)

1st thing I also had a stroke at 27 during surgery I'm quite aware of how it changes you and 2nd she couldn't go to the Dr by herself anyway she is forgetting everything

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Sad-Macaroon9067@reddit

I love them, but yes. I dream of changing my identity and running away.

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chipinserted@reddit (OP)

Agreed

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Ok_Industry3016@reddit

My Mom is overwhelming.

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dreadful_cookies@reddit

Not since their death.

Yall need to call your folks and tell them you love them. Seriously.

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CreativeBusiness6588@reddit

It is a good reminder but blowing off steam is natural and to a point, healthy.

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chipinserted@reddit (OP)

I completely understand where you are coming from I really do but old age really hit the boomers hard

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dreadful_cookies@reddit

My dad died in my 30s, Silent Gen with a brain tumor and mom went screaming into the void wearing diapers and no idea who anyone was. From a 57 year old orphan to my cohorts, call your folks and love on them when you can. Like knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Or maybe they're shit bags that deserve to die alone, whatever, I'm just this guy

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Ollyollyoxenfreed10@reddit

I am my stepmom’s punching bag about everything and anything. It is exhausting. But if I don’t call her as frequently as she thinks I should, she withholds really important life altering information. I think that they must be really lonely and do not know how to verbalize it. When my kids were small, I used to tell them “I need you to use your words right now.” I wish I could get away with telling their grandmother that very thing!

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chipinserted@reddit (OP)

See I think my sister is my mom's heavy bag and my sister is just trying to do the right thing

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thatto@reddit

"Are we fixing or are we bitching?"

The answer determines your level of investment.

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chipinserted@reddit (OP)

I'd like to fix it for my sister's sake but I also no how stubborn and hard headed my mother is

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Embarrassed-Guest-48@reddit

Stealing this, thank you!

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1funnyguy4fun@reddit

¿Por què no los dos?

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Affectionate-Cow3737@reddit

Your mom seems depressed and starting to be confused. Does she ever get out to play cards or see friends? Maybe if she had something other than her own belly button to focus in she'd like her life more. Is there someone who can buddy up to her and take her on small outings? Pay for someone she might like. Not either you or your sister. Look at senior centers for chair yoga, etc. You can pm me for more convo on this. I am a certified geriatric lmsw.

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chipinserted@reddit (OP)

While I understand this I think if I had someone come in she didn't know it'd be a bitch fest about the person

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Affectionate-Cow3737@reddit

But that's ok. She needs a seperate sense of self. She's lost all of that in her aging. She can bitch about the special buddy all she wants- it's not you or your sister anymore. She needs a life- she's lost that in losing her independence and growing old. My mom joined a card playing group when she went to assisted living. It was like she went to camp. She made new friends, which elders need because all of their friends start dying.

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chipinserted@reddit (OP)

You know you're making sense I read if you want your elderly family to live longer you have to give them a purpose something they are responsible for, my mom is no longer responsible for anything all her responsibilities ended when my nephew strated driving and she didn't need to pick him up from school

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TXtogo@reddit

I’m an exhausting parent

:)

I think giving no fucks is my primary blind spot the kids can’t stand.. because I legit give no fucks. I definitely act like I’m immune to shit and when it plays out my kids are like argggg. My kids hate it that I don’t live by the same rulebooks they have and that it works.

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chipinserted@reddit (OP)

But see you know you are it seems like most don't realize how exhausting they are my my doesn't like the tone in which my sister speaks to her, but at the same time she is talking just as nasty but thinks it's warranted and then she wonders why my sister wants to have some time to herself looking back my mother's pettiness and other bs I picked up from her is overgrown into her immediate family it's fucking baffling

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healthyitch@reddit

My mother has dementia, so yes.

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gmhelwig@reddit

This is the worst thing.

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chipinserted@reddit (OP)

That has to be brutal

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OverMlMs@reddit

That was my mom. She died in 2023. Now I just have to keep reminding my dad he’s almost 83 and not able to do the things he used to. He actually listened and hired a painter for the bottom floor of his condo! He would have never listened to my mom, so that’s progress, lmao

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bosorka1@reddit

we live with my inlaws. my mil retired in the fall and complains about everything and looks for the worst case scenario every damn time. exhausting. i am sorry i have this in common with you!

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EastAd7676@reddit

They’re only exhausting if you’re around them. I’ve nothing good to say about either of my abusive (in multiple ways), judgmental parents and have been NC with both for years. According to my younger brother and sister nothing’s changed.

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CheckeredVansGenxGuy@reddit

Not anymore…

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Ok_Efficiency5817@reddit

I told both my parents when I cared for them at the end of their lives that they can shut up and do as their told like they did for me. And they did happily. Funny how life circles around. Don't be afraid to lay down boundaries and the law. They can go to a home if they don't like the rules.

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Embarrassed-Guest-48@reddit

Wait. Parents can NOT be exhausting? Hmmm...

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Realistic_Young9008@reddit

Yes. Both of them. Its had a profound life long affect on my mental health. I repeat over and over that I can't change other people only my reaction to them, but there are many days that only goes so far lol.

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snarpy@reddit

This is me and my mother, who I've mostly cut of my life. Spirals into just doing nothing to maintain her own life, calls me to come help and then rejects any ideas I have that might actually work. And at the same time I feel totally judged for my own life.

I can't handle it.

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TeacherLady3@reddit

The judgement is the worst. Constant.

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chipinserted@reddit (OP)

It's frustrating I understand it's hard to grow old but she's constantly nagging

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OratorioInStone@reddit

I have been in this parental decline position. If you've seen this and lived it, you've gotta do better for the next generation. I have promised myself I would do better when the time comes. Life ends for everyone, get used to that idea, and don't make it hard on your loved ones.

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1funnyguy4fun@reddit

I too hope I have the good taste to fall over dead and not linger like an unthoughtful party guest.

The tough part about mental decline is usually by the time you figure it out, it’s too late to do anything. If I get diagnosed with a disease that has a long decline before passing, I’m throwing a big party, saying my goodbyes, and then it’s nitrogen asphyxiation time.

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Quix66@reddit

Yes, mine is so self-centered no one else’s thoughts, wants, and opinions matter to her.

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Lumpy-Artist-6996@reddit

I wonder if your mother's negative traits were exacerbated by her stroke.

Back in college I took a gerontology class called "Sociology of Aging". It was pretty eye opening at the time, and some of the topics covered stayed with me.

Undiagnosed mental illness is pretty common as we age. Loss of partners, friends dying, decline in ability to be self sufficient and physical decline all take their toll.

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Western-Serve4243@reddit

My mom is exhausting as well. Every week it’s a new diagnosis that she has conjured up I her head. She thinks if she loses 2lbs she has cancer. I want to say you are 87 and this is what the body does. The body is so smart it knows how to transition but I can tell her that or she will think negativity. I get no help from my siblings so I have to deal with entertainment, food, shopping, driving to doctors visit, laundry etc. I retired early to take care of her so she didn’t go into a home she can’t afford. I wouldn’t mind as the son of doing it everyday if she was a little nicer

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moneyman74@reddit

The mom from the Sopranos is the arch type of these types

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Round-Public435@reddit

I dealt with exhausting parents on both sides - my own and in-laws. My own weren't too bad, but dementia is a wicked disease, and dealing with the effects of that on day-to-day living is exhausting. Everything becomes a struggle. Bathing. Eating. Dressing. Keeping the oxygen canula in their nose. Stopping them from wandering off.

With my in-laws, it was a case of severe hypoxia from cancer in a man that was an abusive alcoholic in his younger days. It got downright ugly - but also kind of funny at times. You never quite knew what you were going to get. When his oxygen would start getting low, his mind would start really spinning, and we never knew what he would say. But because of his advanced cancer, the oxygen situation was a constant battle, so we had frequent run-ins - and I was his favorite target. You want to talk exhausting? Try having someone constantly yelling at you and accusing you of weird things - like REALLY weird things.

He accused me of being a witch and putting a spell on his wife so that she wouldn't listen to him. (In reality, I think she was kind of enjoying his reduced mobility and the fact that he was sleeping more, because he was downright mean to her most of the time, throwing things at her, threatening to kill her, etc.)
Then he accused me of being a prostitute, and stated that I married his son for his money. I laughed and told him that was like saying I married him for his big ten inches. He was stunned, but he shut up.

The best one was when he called me into the room and demanded that I take the spell off his wife. I was tired and cranky, so I kind of snapped back at him that I had no idea what he was talking about. He got "that look" on his face, so I knew I'd better try to placate him. I told him I'd go take the spell off her - he said we'd be friends again if I did. So I walked out to the kitchen, walked up to my mother-in-law, waved my fingers in her face and said, "BOOGA DA BOOGA!" - which completely freaked her out. I told her just to go with it, that I was taking the spell off. I walked back to my father-in-law and told him it was done, and he smiled and said that we were good friends again. At least until the next time. (And there was always a next time.)

And you just had to laugh at some of this stuff - it was that, or cry. We chose to try and see the humor in it when we could.

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BokChoyJr@reddit

My MIL is a constant pity party. She’s 86 and doesn’t drive and has increasing dementia related paranoia. Fine, my wife and I can deal with that. The one thing that drives me bonkers is her lack of awareness; she has never had any concept of “cause and effect”.

“My breasts are sore and I barely slept last night” - she had two large caffeinated glasses of iced tea with dinner.

“I have diarrhea” or “I’m constipated” - she eats a quart of iced cream it causes a bad stomach and then instead of taking one Imodium she takes five. It goes on and on.

We offered to pay for her to move to an assisted living setting. She says we’re trying to put her into a “home” and outright refuses. She doesn’t want to leave her hoard. Then she complains that her home is too cluttered.

My wife and I know that this is going to do nothing but get worse. She refuses to carry her phone or forgets to charge it and won’t wear a life alert necklace. There are times when we don’t hear from her and drive 25 miles to check on her thinking she might have fallen only to be berated for showing up unexpectedly saying “you both wish I had fallen”. Classic narcissist.

I hope someone walks me out into the snow if I become like her.

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Fugue_State76@reddit

“walks me out into the snow” lol … enjoyed that one, cheers

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Waesrdtfyg0987@reddit

My mom used to demand a sausage McMuffin when I came to visit. I brought them for a while until she was constantly shitting herself and didn't want to believe why.

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chipinserted@reddit (OP)

Holy shit that is shit my mom does to she's diabetic and eats the worst if like she has just given up complains about incontinence and then eats like a teenager

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BokChoyJr@reddit

Exactamundo!

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MEB-Softworks@reddit

Oh, you mean the kind of boomer parent that insists they know better even though you are over 50 and been through WAY more s__t than they ever did? I think I know the type.

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chipinserted@reddit (OP)

Omfg yes mine did that yesterday had to go a certain way because that's what she thinks is the best

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MEB-Softworks@reddit

Right?!? That’s my dad! Neither of them could possibly be wrong, ever…🤣

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Head_Trick_9932@reddit

Yeah, my stepmom. I love her but she can be exhausting. My birth mother was mentally ill and abandoned us so I’m still grateful at 50 to have stepmom since I was 18. She drives me batty some days but love her lol

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chipinserted@reddit (OP)

Me too

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Sum1Xam@reddit

I went no contact with my parents nearly a decade ago. Two of the most dilusional, self-absorbed, cruel people I've ever known. Best decision of my life. I wish them both what they deserve.

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chipinserted@reddit (OP)

OK I have to ask do they try to contact you at all?

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Sum1Xam@reddit

I have blocked their phone numbers and emails. If anything comes through the mail or any other delivery, it goes straight in the garbage. Luckily they live 1,000 miles away, so they can't just come over. I'm not aware of any attempts to get in touch with us through any means in the last years.

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chipinserted@reddit (OP)

As a parent I can't see me just not trying with anyone of my kids to have a relationship with them I'm so sorry that is your experience with them that's just awful

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Ghostlizard74@reddit

Since she retired, my mom seems to have lost her better self. She has become a daily hard drinker who lies about it and a bit of a mean drunk to boot. When sober, she is actually a rather lovely person, but those sober moments have grown increasingly rare. She has some pretty significant health issues, which of course the alcohol abuse only compounds (and smoking--she's gone back to that after 32 years). There's a significant part of me that hopes she'll get busted for DUI before she hurts herself or someone lese. She also has a shopping problem and has become something of a hoarder. Dollar stores, thrift stores, and garage sales are her main source, so she can amass crap without blowing too much money, but sometimes she gets wasted and orders a ton of bullshit on Amazon while she's black out drunk. She worries me, but I don't know how to get her to listen. I'm 51 years old and she still tries to use the Mom card to pull rank on me any time I try to communicate with her. My sister has gone completely no contact with her and, to be honest, I see her point. It's utterly exhausting. I suspect my mother may not be long for the world and, as much as it hurts to admit to it, there's a significant part of me that longs for this all to be over. I lover her, but I'm not sure I like her anymore. Sorry to trauma dump. It's just so fucking sad.

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NPC261939@reddit

My dad can be a handful at times. The simplest task will result in an epic mess, or something being broken. It's almost uncanny. He'll often refuse to wait for me to help him until after something has gone wrong. I suspect a lot of it comes from decades of daily drinking. Not enough to get shit hammered, but 3-4 drinks a day adds up.

Between that, and his untreated ADHD I honestly don't know how he could function on his own.

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Mom_who_drinks@reddit

You mean they come in a not exhausting model? I wish I knew that when they were alive.

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LayerNo3634@reddit

He said I have cancer and I know it's going to be cancer are 2 completely different things. Call out the lie every time and call it a lie. Don't sugar coat anything. She was a good mother and taught you not to lie.

That's the only way to deal with people like this. My mom had knee replacement, refused to take pain meds, then complained about the pain. I told her I wouldn't listen to any complaints about pain, until she took her pain meds. Every time she started, I told her the same. She quit complaining about pain after the 5th time. Once she lied about taking her pain meds and I gave her the same lecture she gave me as a child about lying. Meet them head on every time. Eventually they get better. You are now the parent. Forget gentle parenting, use tough love.

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WaterwingsDavid@reddit

Both my parents were exhausting. Dad was an angry narcissist. Everything had to be HIS way! In retrospect im fairly sure mom was also a narcissist, which would explain the constant arguments. Also they were both always critical. Mom's criticizing was like being caught in a torrential downpour! They are both deceased and I dont miss either of them. I think its very sad I feel this way. Im working on disrupting the generational trauma.

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app_generated_name@reddit

Not anymore

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Zesty-B230F@reddit

Yes. Many decades ago, my mom chose vodka over her family. She now lives in a nursing home. Physically, she is a wreck. Still calls me couple times a week to demand I buy her crap on Amazon. We have easily 15 more years of this.

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-Granby-@reddit

Yes. I try not to talk to her as much as possible. She is insufferable. All she does is bitch and complain and woe is me about everything. Try to have a conversation with her and mention something about yourself and she immediately makes it about herself.

Makes herself out to be totally helpless because she does not even try. Can't figure out the tv. Can't install an app. Can't put together a thing with 3 pieces. Can't can't can't. Sure as fuck figured out Tik Tok though. No problem with that

It is very exhausting.

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Emergency_Bike6274@reddit

We have the same mother!

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mjh8212@reddit

My dad wants to drive. He lived with me and my ex husband most of our relationship and when we divorced he stayed with my ex and they moved from the Midwest to a southern state. He has bad vision and isn’t the best driver. Me and my brother live in the same Midwest state but haven’t talked in a decade or more. My dad wants to take a thousand mile road trip to visit us. He says he’ll stay one month with my brother then another with me. I fly down once a year to see everyone he hasn’t seen my brother in a very long time but they talk on the phone. It would be so much easier if he would just let my brother pay for a plane ticket and do it that way. My brother makes much more than I do as I’m disabled. But no dad wants to drive. I’m supposed to talk him out of it when I’m down there this year. I already booked my trip and can only afford that one trip a year to see my youngest and grandkids as well as my dad. My dad’s 69 now very independent but driving to Walmart and driving a thousand miles in an iffy car are two separate things.

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Sufficient_Stop8381@reddit

Did I read that right, your dad stayed with your ex?

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mjh8212@reddit

Yes we have an unconventional family. Since everyone lives with my ex I stay at their house when I visit. I’m also married and my husband understands.

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Sufficient_Stop8381@reddit

Me, no, I’m lucky as my parents are pretty chill and independent. My in-laws on the other hand wear my wife out with their co dependency. They literally can’t do anything without forming a committee with her to decide and need help for the simplest things when they don’t really need it.

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Honeybee71@reddit

Omg yes! My son takes care of my former mil (his grandma) and she’s driving us crazy. She’s a hoarder and won’t let us clean (if she’s awake, she’s throws a fit) she doesn’t shower, and blames her shitty life on everyone else. She’s such a nasty person

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Suckerforcats@reddit

My mom is like that. My parents and their refusal to move into more appropriate housing is the current problem. Just found out a few minutes ago my dad is in the hospital with a bone infection and my sister had to take off work and drive 3 hours to take my mom back to her house for a week while my dad is in the hospital because my mom has a broken bone in her back and can't drive or do much. My mom has for years said she wants to move but refuses to pick a place to live.

I live on the other side of the country thankfully but making people miss work because you refuse to not only take care of your health but downsize into assisted living that you can more than afford is selfish and stupid.

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Brave-Chain2703@reddit

My mom is convinced she can do more than she can so I plan things thinking she's okay then she's not. Always bitching about how much stuff costs, going out to restaurants, or just telling old stories that are inaccurate over & over. It's exhausting being around her because I have to watch her constantly & listen to her always complaining like damn you don't have to work & have lots of money why are you so miserable?

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FushiginaGiisan@reddit

Not alone, I thought you might be my SIL. Everything the same minus the stomach cancer!

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ONROSREPUS@reddit

Thank goodness no. I have a parent that is to self reliant at her age. That kind of bothers me some.

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root_fifth_octave@reddit

Yes, I have two. Straight up personality disorder crazy people. Impossible to deal with.

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BananaBread_2325@reddit

oh my god, my mother is exhausting! she does nothing to help herself and makes everything 10x harder than it has to be.

so many of us are experiencing the same thing with our aging parents.

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jax2love@reddit

I wasn’t aware that I had sisters!

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chipinserted@reddit (OP)

Lol

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jax2love@reddit

The best part with the health stuff is that my spouse is a nurse. The number of times he’s said “that’s not how that works” and “a doctor would never tell a patient that”… my mom is also not one to be proactive about her health from a lifestyle standpoint. “I don’t know why I’m so fat!” Um, maybe because you drink a bottle of wine (or more) a day and your liver is trying not to give up the ghost?

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Caliopebookworm@reddit

Mine was the neighbourhood bully. A few years ago when my cousin died his uncle (on the other side), who grew up in the same neighbourhood as my mom, confronted her in the parking lot and told her that she ruined his life. She laughed all the way home about how a 60something year old man was so weak.

As a child she could be really cruel and somewhat abusive. As an adult, an international border has helped our relationship but she still loves to argue and ridicule and I seem to be her favourite target. At some point in my late 30s, I stopped taking the bait but it still can be exhausting when she tries it and I have to chant to myself that she just wants a reaction and not to give it to her.

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CatNamedZelda@reddit

I have a mother who is dismissive about everything so I can't even talk to her about things that bother me and my dad is too busy chasing skirts

They are exhausting

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nygrl811@reddit

I have an aunt like that. Loves to try to guilt my cousin since she set boundaries (aunt lives in an apt in my cousin's house, cousin is married with 3 kids).

Unfortunately once they pass I'd say 75/76, the stubborn gene takes over the logic gene and the hearing gene . . .