What is a standard mother-in-law - daughter-in-law relationship like in the UK?

Posted by Standard-Spite-6885@reddit | AskABrit | View on Reddit | 27 comments

I've been in the UK for 5 years, got married 2 years in (with my husband 3 years before that) and we had a baby end of last year.

While my mother-in-law has never been extremely warm, it does seem that it's taken a turn for the worst with the birth of our child (first grandbaby).

Husband is from Northern England, we live in Scotland, so we have a bit of space. Everyone else in the family has welcomed me happily, and even moreso after the wedding, but it's like my mother-in-law has become increasingly less tolerant with each stage of my relationship with my husband.

Is this normal? How likely is it that it's because I'm a foreigner? How do I fix it?

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gregredmore@reddit

They mud wrestle on Sundays after church to establish dominance for the week.

A little humour to lighten tbe mood 😜

You would not be asking this question if you did not love and care a great deal for your husband. On that basis, the mother-in-law is the problem, not you. Treat her the right way as if your relationship with her is fine, don't give her any soecial treatment or try to win her over. She will either warm to you in time or she won't whatever you do.

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Standard-Spite-6885@reddit (OP)

I definitely appreciate the joke 😂

On average, from your observation of relationships here - how long might it take for the mother-in-law to come round? How could I help the situation? I'm still not sure what I've done wrong or why it's gone downhill the longer I've been here

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gregredmore@reddit

You probably have not have done anything wrong. My best friend (we were best man at each others wedding) has never really got on that well with his mother-in-law. She is just a bit of a "sour" person who didn't seem to like her own husband that much. After 30 years she seems to gave just accepted his presence and rhey are cordial enough with each other.

A lot of people suffer some level of anxiety or depression that may be undiagnosed and never treated. Given around 25% if people have anti depressants to treat anxiety or depression at some point in their life there could be another 25% suffering but not badly enough to ever seek help.This affects how they behave toward people.

I think I am just reiterating this isn't likely a problem with you and your mother-in-law could have reacted to any woman "taking away" her baby boy this way.

I am fortunate to have an excellent relationship with my in-laws.

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self-conscious_s@reddit

Some mum's here and I'm sure it's the same elsewhere have trouble letting their sons go. Mummy's boy syndrome. But, generally here that relationship can be strained at best. Depending on their generation some parents have expectations of where their son/daughters parners should come from. I'm sure theirs more answers to that question. I'm just getting bored typing so much

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self-conscious_s@reddit

there's

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BillyJoeDubuluw@reddit

I’d say this is very variable.

Some British families can be just as tight knit as families are known for in other countries, but they can also be very distanced and reserved, so it’s a real mixed bag.

Myself and my other half both got lucky on the in-laws front…

One question… Was your Husband particularly close to his Mum before the marriage and the baby? If there’s been a decline in contact she could be acting a bit prickly about it… This seems to be one of the problems with extended British families sometimes… The whole attention moved to the wife and/or her family, kind of alienating the blokes family… Not always, of course, but it’s just a thought…

If she’s being cold with no clear reason, however, then it’s worth weighing up whether a direct question what the problem is will work… Northerners aren’t generally as reserved about this, so you could potentially have it out with her and say your piece, with an aim to both have a chance to air your differences…

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Standard-Spite-6885@reddit (OP)

He's lived in Scotland for 15 years, so was here for quite some time before I moved to be with him. So it's not like we're closer with my family - they're on another continent. He's been independent since a young age, with his brother being the more reliant on their parents.

I'm generally a quite blunt person, but I know that, in the UK, that's seen as more rude than direct. If this were back home, I'd likely be more blunt and ask her what I was doing wrong. But I know that's not the norm here - I'm not sure if I'd just make it all worse

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asymmetricears@reddit

It varies person to person, but generally some people have difficult parents in law, in some cases it's just one parent, sometimes it's both. Sometimes it's the wives parents, sometimes the grooms parents.

You're not alone in having difficult in laws.

As for the foreigner question, it might be a reason, but she might also have been like that with everyone her son could have married.

As to how to fix it, that's difficult, it might be your FIL is on your side and thinks his wife is being ridiculous, if not you might need to create distance between you and them to help manage things. It seems like you are physically a reasonable distance away which helps. But also limiting contact can help you keep sane.

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Standard-Spite-6885@reddit (OP)

I'm definitely alright with my father-in-law - he's incredibly friendly

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snowmanseeker@reddit

A cliche question, but it does vary from family to family. My husband's family are from the north of England, I'm from the south. My MIL is great, we share similar interests, she has always been warm and friendly and I know she cares very much for me even though I don't get to see her often. My husband's MIL (my mum) is also the same. She loves my husband, would bend over backwards to us and my husband likes her a great deal. I am very fortunate as I appreciate this is not the case for many families.

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Standard-Spite-6885@reddit (OP)

I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to be cliche by asking

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snowmanseeker@reddit

Noo, I meant, a cliche ANSWER. As in, 'it varies'

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Lynex_Lineker_Smith@reddit

Unsurprisingly it varies .

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EasternCut8716@reddit

Yes, it varies.

But yiou are asking for a generalisation. As a young Gen-X (excuse the contradiction in turn), we were the first generation of men where M-I-L's were generally on our side and both Mums tended to be skeptical of the woman. That is just as expecations for the sexes have shifted and the narratives have taken longer to shoft.

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Afraid-Priority-9700@reddit

Funnily enough, there is no standard, because just like everywhere else in the world, each family is different. I get along really well with my mother-in-law. We're not best friends, but we get along and have a good dynamic. That might change once my husband and I have children (we live a few hours away from family and I'm aware of the importance of giving equal time to both sets of grandparents) but for now it's good. She's a nice lady who I know respects me.

Other people I know have very different relationships with their in-laws. My mum and paternal grandmother struggled to get along because my mum isn't a Catholic, and my gran always had a hang-up about wanting her Catholic sons to marry Catholics and raise Catholic kids.

Is it because you're foreign? Maaaybe. But it could also be just your mother-in-law as a person, not liking you as a person. Very hard to say exactly what the matter is without knowing you both.

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keeponkeepingup@reddit

It can really go any way at all. My former mother in law was absolutely horrible to me. I am a mother in law myself now and I'm close to my daughter in law, i'm happily like a real mum to her and treat her the same as i treat my son. My own mum is horrible and extremely toxic toward my dad's mother for no reason whatsoever, so thats the daughter in law being bad.

There is a whole genre of mother in law jokes though, so i guess its fairly normal.

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OkTadpole2920@reddit

I dream of a nice MIL, the first one was odd. She was passive-agressive and tight with the biscuits! The second one realised she didn't like me when we all had to quit drinking for a while 👀. However, she always had presents for her step-grandchildren and she put a lot of effort into keeping contact with her bio grandchildren. I, on the other hand, am a lovely MIL. I have a good relationship with my son-in-law.

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misskittygirl13@reddit

My FMiL is epic, love that lady. She treats me like a daughter, buys me pretty dresses and bling, loves a glass of wine and gossip.

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MrsKToBe@reddit

My stepmother in law- I don’t mind her, I think she’s alright but she’s never hidden her disdain of my husband. She’s always resented having to bring up another woman’s child and her own child always comes before my husband. My mum tries to look after my husband as she knows his stepmother doesn’t bother with him. His bio birth giver died about ten years ago and again I never minded her but she abandoned my husband when he was a baby so he never forgave her for that either.

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HauntingIchthyosaur@reddit

Ha, your step MIL sounds a lot like mine. My husband is his dad's responsibility, not hers. Her daughter and grandchildren are worshipped. Fortunately, she seems to like me, tells me I'm the best partner he's ever had and never forgets me on my birthday or Christmas (although my husband gets nothing from her!). His birth mother also died a few years ago and they never had a good relationship. We were polite but never got to know each other.

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Pootles_Carrot@reddit

There's no such thing as a standard relationship

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Pukit@reddit

My mother absolutely adores my wife, from the moment they met they got on. My dad also loves her.

Whereas I can’t be alone in same room as her mother. She cannot be wrong over any matter, ever, and will die on the smallest hill. She mutters under her breath when she doesn’t agree with something. I really tried with her, i get along with her dad and bro like they’re my own, even my wife is being alienated from her mum because of her behaviour.

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OK_LK@reddit

It's not typical

Relationships vary like they do in every country and culture

You just got unlucky with your MIL

You should ask your husband to explain and/or intervene

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MsDragonPogo@reddit

I've had two mothers-in-law. The first one she was firmly of the opinion that "If you don't have anything bad to say about a person then don't say anything". We cordially and coldly loathed each other.

The second one - I walked into her house, we started talking and pretty much didn't stop until she died a few years ago. I was instantly part of the family.

So yeah, depends on the family and the people involved.

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Sopzeh@reddit

I'm lucky enough to have two mother in laws (step- and bio-) who both treat me wonderfully. My partner has a not so nice ex wife so I benefit from the comparison haha.

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AreaMiserable9187@reddit

I see a lot online about "boy mums" and women never being good enough. I have a really strong relationship with my mother-in-law and we hang out together without my husband being around but I'd say that's rare, none of my friends have that closeness with their mother-in-laws. I'm sorry you're facing this.