Anyone else having a baby / starting a family abroad?
Posted by Sweet_Confusion9180@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 39 comments
Not sure if this is the right sub but I couldn't find a better one.
I am from the UK but moved to Costa Rica 3 years ago to be with my husband (at the time boyfriend) we are now married and we are expecting our first baby š
I'm very happy, but also a little terrified to be having a baby so far from my family and friends back "home". Navigating the health care system all in Spanish etc.
Different cultures around raising children. Bilingual parenting etc
Wondering if there's anyone else in similar situations?
How are you managing? What challenges are you facing? āŗļø
TheyFoundMyOldOne@reddit
Hi, I know you're looking for women's perspectives. However I'm a UK male who did a similar thing in Asia. Baby is 2 months old now. My head absolutely fell off in the past couple weeks. But regular calls home and scheduled visits makes it easier.Ā
Sweet_Confusion9180@reddit (OP)
I'm hoping my head doesn't fall off šš
No, it's also nice to hear from the dads perspective!
Anything you miss about the UK?
TheyFoundMyOldOne@reddit
Yeah, it's difficult seeing my partner's family so involved and yet my mum is stuck just seeing him on a video call! I've also found it a little difficult to keep the baby calm, as my first thought is to take a crying baby who's already had his milk on a walk - but the climate doesn't really allow it until 4pm or later. But on the other hand, the climate allows us to walk every day at 4pm year round. So I'm trying to find the positives and remember that just 3 months ago I was feeling great about this!
helloizzyzoo@reddit
Hey! I am English and just had my first baby 6 weeks ago in Argentina where my partner is from!
We have been living all over the world so when we fell pregnant we had to decide where to go to start this next chapter :-) the UK spouse visa is not the easiest to get especially if youāve been living overseas and the timings of my pregnancy meant I couldnāt pass the financial requirements to sponsor my partner before giving birth sooooo we came to Argentina! My Spanish is great, have been here a few times before so know his friends and family well too.
At Christmas time I started to feel really homesick but just put it down to the time of yearā¦. But as my pregnacy was coming to an end I really realised how much I wanted to be back home!
I underestimated how much Iād miss my family and friends during this huge life change and I also desperately miss sweet old England. Buenos Aires is a cool city but Iāve realised I really want to raise my family in the English countryside!!!
Video calls helps, and Iāve got a visit from my mum followed by sister coming up so looking forward to that. And hoping we arrange what we need to arrange to move back to England next year!
Good luck girl!
Lambamham@reddit
Iām 34 weeks pregnant in Mexico. I was anxious because my city has one of the highest c-section rates in the world & also any time Iām stressed I canāt speak anything except my native language.
I ended up hiring a doula who has been amazing and speaks very good English and has helped calm my worries quite a bit. She helped find a good obgyn and hospital that suit what Iām looking for and will be there at the birth to help translate and convey my needs.
My mom is also coming for a month to help take care of me while I take care of the baby.
For language, we are doing OPOL (One parent One Language) and will stick with it as much as possible.
lisaratops@reddit
Hi! Iām late but I did a similar move (US to BR), lived here for a few years before having a baby with my Brazilian husband about a year ago. Itās been great! I liked my prepartum care, my birth experience was positive helped a lot by my husband advocating for me so I could zone out (probably true in all contexts), and I have access to a quantity and quality of childcare I couldnāt imagine back home. I am also on good terms with my in laws who live close, and itās been really sweet to see my husband figuring out who he is as a father right there with his own dad. They have been super warm and supportive and so have all kinds of people: neighbors, security guards, colleagues, acquaintances. I love raising a kid in this culture!
My advice is to be kind to yourself, find and join your bump group on Reddit if you havenāt already (truly a lifeline for isolated moments and 3am scrolling that isnāt all doom and gloom), and appreciate the good even as you ride out the hard parts. Good luck!
Unable_Tumbleweed364@reddit
Yeah I've had two babies since moving to the US. My life is here and so it makes sense. But also we are close to my in-laws and they help us out a lot.
T_hashi@reddit
Became a second time mom here in Germany I think like maybe 8 months after we movedā¦
Boy did my medical German improve very quickly due to the nature of my pregnancy being super high risk and spending quite a bit of time in the hospital here. Our first daughter was born in the states and our son is now 10 months old. Husband is German and Iām American. Came to Germany with ja, nein, dankeā¦š„“š«„š very quickly improved thanks to having my oldest girl and then navigating preeclampsia, premature infant, and the birthing system here in Germany.
In laws and extended familyā¦hell the majority of the village even my dang language teacher were like hawks especially when it became apparent that I was struggling and not home as much with my older girl. People wouldnāt let me park far and I was scolded for not using the elevator and taking the 6 flights of stairs. šš¤·š½āāļøš It was a lovely change from the U.S. and I would give birth again here in a heartbeat.
Quick Things That Came Up for Me:
Kinda a bit of grief on my end knowing that my kiddos wouldnāt have the same experiences I did growing upā¦hit me like a brick when I was explaining the yellow school bus to my daughter and when they went on their first Waldtag (forest day) and took the city bus at 4 years old. But also joyful too because weāve built new traditions and look forward to other aspects of this system.
When your kid starts to tantrum in the other languageā¦you will quickly understand what is being said after itās yelled at you a few times. š¤š Nah but for real having to navigate preschool has helped my German immensely too because aināt nobody in there communicating in English. š
Definitely look how birthing works. In America itās in a private room in Germany you room with other ladies until itās time to give birth and then you go back to room sharing with the other ladies and their babies or if youāre like me you get out with other women who also had premature babies which honestly was incredibly kind and I was grateful and made a great friend and really got to bond with some of the other women. We rooted for each other when we went home if we were seemed okay when I was there on and off and we supported each other when things got to the thick of it because your partner isnāt allowed in after a certain time and my friend was having contractions that gentle massage at least gave her relief as well as me coaching her when she didnāt know what was happening during her contractions.
Just take everything as it comes and find providers who are also hawks. Like every doctor here was so thorough that I truly enjoyed my second experience. I couldnāt believe how much of a night and day experience it has been just having children physically in another country. ā¤ļøš„°
deep-sea-balloon@reddit
Yes, though ours is an older toddler now.
It's my spouse's country so his family is nearby to help.
I already spoke the language well before pregnancy, so most appointments I went to by myself (not the ones leading up to the birth).
The biggest difficulties are schooling (different system). While mine is too young for HW, I'm not looking forward to that and navigating this system. We also have three languages to contend with.
Also, listening to my child semi-reject speaking my mother tongue, even if that's all I speak to them š I know it's par for the course, but it's clear my LO prefers this culture. We are thinking to spend a few years in my country to balance it out with a broader perspective.
All that said, I was blessed with a healthy child, so I prefer the struggle I have to what could have been.
Sweet_Confusion9180@reddit (OP)
From what I've been reading I think it's very normal for the chikd to "reject" the minority language and favour the "community language" as it is the culture they are most familiar with.
I've already joined a lot of groups about bilingual parenting and OPOL etc.
But you're giving your child a great gift knowing more than one language, even if they don't appreciate it right now! š
deep-sea-balloon@reddit
Yes you're right, of course.
As a mom who carried the child though, I feel some kind of way about this "rejection" š even if I knew the score beforehand. I cannot deal with the lopsided-ness forever, which us why the ~plan~ is to live where I'm from for a bit too (and then my kiddo can pick up a native English accent too!)
Ok-Commission-4985@reddit
First, congratulations. Itās a life change.
Having kids abroad is something people donāt really explain in advance. Iāve been through it, and overall we managed it well.
On language, itās manageable. Being a native English speaker helps. Donāt expect immediate fluency. Be consistent. Speak English at home. Itās normal that the child understands everything but answers in Spanish at first. Over time, they become fluent.
On friends, after having kids your social circle shifts. You tend to connect more with other families, and older friendships become less central. Thatās a normal transition.
Grandparents are the harder part. The practical approach is consistency. Plan regular visits, once or twice a year if possible, and have them visit you as well.
Bicultural kids generally adapt well. If your partner is local, that gives a stable anchor. In our case, the main challenge has been language, but our kids ended up trilingual due to home languages and international schooling. If feasible, an international school can help structure that.
Good luck.
sebacicacid@reddit
Indonesian in canada here. Challenges would be keeping up with mother tongue bc she is surrounded by so much English. And i cant relate to having family nearby, because visiting family requires 24h flight. We do video calls often, aiming for once a week and i update my family with her progress often.
Sweet_Confusion9180@reddit (OP)
Wow 24 hours- even longer than UK to CR! Video calls are a good idea š«¶
Have you found an Indonesian community in Canada so baby can interact more with the language?
sebacicacid@reddit
There is but their kids are all speaking English. Heck, my nephew in indonesia is talking in English more than Indonesian.
Zonoc@reddit
We're American and had a baby in Norway. It's hard being away from family and friends, it requires more planning and resources to get them to come see you. This is the hardest part for us.
Here are some of the things we've learned or are doing:
Facetime or other video call tools are amazing. Using laptops so we have big screens, my Mom often reads books to our older kid before bed. It helps keep them connected even though she can only visit for a few long visits per year.
Our experience on language - if you are going to put your baby in daycare they can learn Spanish there without any extra work from you. Help them keep their native language by speaking it and teaching them it at home. Your kid will be fully bilingual in no time.
When it comes to raising kids in Norway, we try to bring the best parts from our childhoods and also adopt the good parts of childhood in Norway (there are many of those in our view). Culturally, there are many differences, even though many people would think that the US and Norway are culturally similar. You probably won't want to or be able to adopt all the customs from Costa Rica, but it's important for you to know the ones that you have to follow either for cultural or legal reasons.
You may want to read up on third culture kids, because you'll be raising one.
It may be worth comparing NHS recommendations to Costa Rican ones over time. There may be times you may want to take your baby/toddler to a private clinic to get a vaccine or check done that is standard in the UK but something extra in Costa Rica.
For us, one major difference on health is that in Norway almost no one vaccines their child against chickenpox, where that is considered a standard safe vaccine with a 30+ year history of no downsides by many in the US so our older child was the only kid in daycare to not get it.
Sweet_Confusion9180@reddit (OP)
Thanks so much for your thoughtful reply!!
Yes I love the idea of videocalls where my parents can read to the baby - hopefully they will be onboard with that!
I am really fortunate to have a good relationship with my inlaws who live in the same town and by MIL is lovely about giving me homemade food and teas etc. I'm sure she will spoilt the baby once it arrives (it's her first grandchild!)
Good suggestions with checking NHS guidance etc.
Also thanks for the info on third culture, I guess the benefit of the minority language being English is it being so accessible through movies / TV etc. There are also many other English speaking "expats" / immigrants and tourists in Costa Rica so we can hopefully ingrain him in both "cultures" from infancy.
My husband and his family are 100% Costa Rican and we live in a very local town, so baby will be pure Tico (costa rican) but hopefully we can visit the UK in the future and let him know that side of himself too. š«¶š
uzibunny@reddit
Yeah I'm in a similar situation, I'm British and live in Japan. My husband is japanese and we're raising our daughter here, she's two years old now. We both aren't close to our parents (actually mine I am estranged from due to a history of abuse and trauma). So I don't miss my family. But I sure do miss my friends, but country, and the cultural familiarity of the UK. I don't miss a lot of things I disliked about it, but I miss the feeling of being accepted and "home" whereas here no matter how much I make a home for my family, I'll always stand out and people will let me know about it, from the benign having people stare at me in the supermarket to the not so benign racist or stereotypical comments. We're raising our daughter bilingual and she's learning Japanese at nursery and English at home, although honestly she seems more comfortable in Japanese which makes me feel a bit sad in a way. I don't really want to stay here but I'm locked out of the UK for now because of how hard the spouse visa is to get.Ā
Sweet_Confusion9180@reddit (OP)
Hey - thanks for your thoughtful reply.
I think it's very normal for bilingual children to favour the "community" language.
The benefit of English being the minority language is English being so accessible through movies and media etc. But difficult if you don't have a wider English speaking community for your daughter to interact with.
I'm so sorry you're feeling that way, I've visited Jaoan and it is a beautiful country but I can imagine the struggles living there. Some days I feel the same here, although there are a lit of tourists that come and go, I'm the only white British person in my small town. People are kind but I don't know of I will ever feel accepted as a "local".
I have no desire to return to England but appreciate how difficult it would be if I ever made that decision. I also have a rocky relationship with my mum.
If you're ever looking for online friends to connect with I'm always happy to chat! šš«¶
anniiebananie@reddit
Hello! I'm an American and I just had a baby in France, my husband is French and we will raise the baby (who is 1 month old) here.
One way that I'm lucky is that my parents are retired, but relatively young and in good health. So they're currently staying with us for 3 weeks to help out with the baby and cooking, cleaning etc. They're planning to come back this summer and fall for similarly long trips. We all get along really well and have enough space for them to stay, so we are very fortunate that this works for us. I don't know if by any chance your parents or family might be able to consider an extended visit as well? We also do video calls and will try to travel back for a visit when the baby is a little older (~8 months).
We also get along well with my French in-laws who live 1 hour away, so they're also able to help with shorter or more sudden situations.
Raising a child bilingual is such a gift! I'm planning to speak to my daughter almost exclusively in English (occasional exceptions when conversing as a group with French family members). I will also try to find other English-speaking activities and playmates for her to strengthen the language connection, as French will come naturally from the community.
But it can definitely feel tough at times being so far from family. Remember that it is worth it, as your child will be lucky enough to grow up with connections to two cultures. Congratulations on the baby and best of luck!
Sweet_Confusion9180@reddit (OP)
I think both my parents will plan a visit a few months after babies born (they're divorced so seperate trips!!!) Haha.
Fortunately I have a good relationship with my husbands family who live in the same town, so I think they will be very involved once baby is here!
I'm also excited for the Bilingual journey. Obviously my husband,his family and the community language is all Spanish so it will be interesting to have English as the "Minority" language. I think more couples are I the reverse situation with English being the majority.
Thank you for your thoughtful reply šš
greenishfroggy@reddit
Hey you! Iām a German in the US and had a baby 6 months ago. I definitely have to say that it is hard to not have family close during such an important time. I wish my mom could just drop by really quick etc. And my village are only my friends and husband. Is your family able to visit you during pregnancy/after birth? Iāve never gotten along well with my inlaws and it has gotten much worse since I got pregnant. (Basically never asking how I am, arguing about boundaries, wanting to be really involved but not accepting our choices without discussions etc) I hope you have a nicer family inlaw! But itās all doable. Does your husband speak english well? My husband does speak German and I was nervous about being out of it during birth and only being able to talk German. But that he would have been able to understand me definitely calmed my nerves.
Sweet_Confusion9180@reddit (OP)
Thanks so much for your reply!
Fortunately I do get on well with my inlaws. They live in the same town so I imagine they will be very involved once baby arrives!
Has your family or friends from Germany been able to visit you?
Are you sticking to speaking German eith your baby?
šš
greenishfroggy@reddit
Are there any specific questions you have? You can also always dm me!
nomad_lifestyle@reddit
These are the countries when you can find BEST people to take care of your child, to help you recover after pregnancy
If you have connections to older women there, they will help you alot ; less medicine / chemicals, more natural food/herbs :)
Hairless_Gash@reddit
I think you're in the wrong sub... r/immigrant
Sweet_Confusion9180@reddit (OP)
I would agree on the wording, but that sub is not active?
Hairless_Gash@reddit
LoL I don't know if was valid or not, just pointing out perhaps you would relate more to immigrants than expatriates
Wild-Illustrator9639@reddit
Dont worry about it. Mine and my partner have parents nearby and they pop by once every few months despite being desperate for grandchildren. My parents even moved further away after we asked if my retired mother could look after one of them an hour a week so I could take the other swimming. Parents being close and enthusiastic at the moment doesn't translate always into help. We are looking at moving abroad as we would have more help there for a less costly amount. Childcare in the UK is the 2nd most expensive in the world. We pay Ā£78 per day for daycare per child and we have 4.
SkepticAnarchist@reddit
I moved my 3 daughters to Spain over a year ago and am now having a baby in October!
leapwolf@reddit
I had a baby in a country Iāve lived in for a few years but my and my husbandās command of the language isnāt great. I chose a birth center birth with midwives and loved that experience. We also hired a doula who was bilingual, but because we felt in great hands we ended up not having her at the birth. Big mistakeā my biggest recommendation would be to have someone on your team who can fluently understand you and advocate for your needs. If possible someone you hire, not a family member who might be overwhelmed in the moment. Good luck!!!
No_Atmosphere_3702@reddit
I learned French so I could understand the hospital staff when I gave birth. My husband would know from my face when I had comprehended nothing and he would just repeat it to me in other words.
We're both in another country, but they speak my husband's mother tongue. It is tiring not having any family around (we get to go on a date only when the grandmas are visiting), but at least my kid will have better opportunities than me. I struggled a lot to study abroad and do all the visa stuff and documents while the Euro was much more expensive than my own money.
You do it, no questions asked. For your kid.
Annawiththesauce@reddit
Iām currently heavily pregnant in the Netherlands after moving here only a couple of months ago. Itās a bit easier since almost everyone here speaks English but still I had a hard time adjusting to the healthcare system and life here. I can recommend getting support early on from midwife or a doula to help you get info on all the things you need to schedule, eg vaccines, daycare waiting lists are sometimes long, thereās also a post partum nurse here that needs sign up early on, birthing classes, nanny if you need it, how to register baby once itās hereā¦. I did find a WhatsApp group of mums and also expecting mums which provides a lot of resources. Maybe something similar exists where you are. Finding others in the same situation may help build a little village abroad. At times I am still overwhelmed altough my parents are only a couple of hours away by flight but Iām prepared that we will need to spend money for help (cooking cleaning) when baby is born instead of just having family support. Iām not too worried about the language since kids are sponges but we will probably not be able to include my mother tongue and dadās mother tongue and English when the baby will be hearing Dutch in daycare. But we wonāt be here forever, so that decision can maybe wait a bit. I plan to travel with the baby early on because itās supposedly easier. And the rest Iāll figure out by doing it š
notrightnow147@reddit
Was in pretty much the exact same situation. Moved to NL from US while newly pregnant, and then had a miscarriage a month later in a new country with no idea of how to navigate the healthcare system. That was a little rough. Got pregnant again in a few months and delivered a healthy baby girl in Amsterdam. I had gestational diabetes so I went the medical route for my delivery (which was such a relief, coming from the US I was terrified to give birth at home without a doctor present, like many Dutch women do). It was a little scary to navigate the Dutch healthcare system even though everyone speaks English. Everything went well but was pretty basic. Being my first pregnancy I didnāt know what to ask for that I wasnāt provided, in retrospect Iād do a lot more research for how the country handles pregnancy and childbirth and advocate my preferences appropriately. Eg I had to beg for a c-section when itās not normal here at all.
Annawiththesauce@reddit
So similar! I also had losses before and thankfully they gave me some monitoring in the hospital after baby was measuring behind. Itās an ivf baby that took so many years and doctors to even exist, so imagine my surprise when they talked about home births and only minimal monitoring š Hope I can still convince them to let me have a c-section if needed. They are so chill here itās blowing my mind š on the other hand, good that they donāt freak out with me when thereās another minor inconvenience
Humble_Interest_9048@reddit
First conversation would be with your husband around priorities regarding child rearing. Youāre not alone. Itās his kid, too. You are both parents equally.
Second would be learning a bit of Spanish and finding a doctor you feel comfortable with who can complete all of your prenatal checkups.
Third would be finding a hospital that that doctor works with and also has English-speaking staff regularly working for when you give birth.
Beat of luck š
Sweet_Confusion9180@reddit (OP)
Sorry, I guess I wasnt super clear with my post, I was more looking for other womens experiences and connections š
Humble_Interest_9048@reddit
Surprised there isnāt a r/mom-to-be-abroad sub. May be a good time to start one š
Sufficient-Job7098@reddit
Yes this is what immigration is. You move abroad permanently and all your major life events will happen in your host country, things like marriages ( and divorces) kids, kidsā education, kidsā sports. Kids will grow up to call this country to be their home. This is where they will form friendships. This is where they date.
I my kids were born and raised in my partnerās country. They are young adults now.
I knew I wasnāt the first immigrant to raise a child abroad so I thought that if others could do this, so could I.