Gosh, help... I need a friend and does anyone even have friends like this anymore?

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VividFiddlesticks@reddit

It's so hard to make new friends.

Husband & I pulled up roots and moved to a new state where we didn't know a soul.

It's been 7+ years and we still don't have local friends. We both WFH so bonding with work-mates is hard, especially since most of them aren't especially local to us anyway. We've both met up with people we've met online and nobody has clicked. I've taken local classes, attended various club events...nobody clicks.

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Magerimoje@reddit

I talk to my grocery delivery people and the pharmacy techs at CVS more than anyone else. It's pathetic. I miss having friends.

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OkOpportunity9626@reddit

Ditto up here in upstate NY

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beulahvonsnacwagon@reddit

So I relate to this. Hubs and I moved 5 years ago at the same time as our best (another married couple) friends to the same city but never bothered to make new friends here. We were a friend bubble with satellite friends for 20 years total in our former city. The besties have decided to move to Spain and will be thousands of miles away by end of summer. We’ve known this for a year and have tried to widen our network of friends in our new-ish community but have never clicked with anyone.

I think it might be a sign that we are getting old and “stuck in our ways” and loosing our ability to feel comfortable with people we aren’t already 100% comfortable with. Like we are tired and don’t want to put in the effort, or we are really adverse to personalities we aren’t familiar with. Either way we will keep trying. :)

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Magerimoje@reddit

Same.

We moved from New England to Indiana in 2016, and have 0 friends in Indiana.

How do anxious introverts who don't go to jobs or church meet people?

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Large_Trouble0912@reddit

I completely understand this. I used to have so many friends. We had monthly book club meetings that turned into pick your event month. That turned into some creative pot luck dinners, wine sips, new restaurant visits and we even went to a restaurant that served several layers of food and took our coats at the door. Fancy!!

Now, I have FB, Instagram, & Tic Tok friends. I've only had 2 friends come to my house in about 7 years! Just sad.

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GorillasonTurtles@reddit

This is where being a turbo nerd in my youth has really set older me up. By playing Dungeons and Dragons.

I have a solid group of friends that game together once to twice a month to game. We also go to shows, take trips together, and have pool parties.

What once earned me heaps of scorn by my classmates, labeled nerd, and guaranteed me ever getting date in high school gave me friendships that have lasted decades and a tightly knit and supportive social circle.

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Kanya_Mkavry@reddit

My highschool D&D group has drifted, but my college group is still around. Right now we're playing Call of Cthulhu once a month.

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GorillasonTurtles@reddit

Love CoC! Been playing that since 2nd edition.

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Kanya_Mkavry@reddit

We're playing the Pulp version right now. Masks of Nyarlathotep is the module. We've been at it for over a year.

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Pleasant-Minute-1793@reddit

We meet at a brewery on their game night every other week to play.

I'm in, let's do it 🤘

Sometimes reading posts on this sub, I really wish we had something like MeetUp but for our... specific? particular? kind of hanging out. (What's left of) my friends are spread across the globe so we take turns going to each other and kickin it for a few when we can - why not try throwing some new stops in there?

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claradox@reddit

We could definitely set up a MeetUp, or something like it! Let’s look around for the right setup.

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TapeFlip187@reddit

I would seriously LOVE that. I'm in. How do we make this happen?

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claradox@reddit

Let’s put our heads together. Maybe a Discord with rooms for locations? Maybe MeetUp? I am not sure what would work best, if there is something better out there?

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TapeFlip187@reddit

You know, Discord set up like that is actually a really good idea. You could see what's goin on close or en route to your destination or if something happening somewhere random seems fun, it could become the destination haha

Johnny_2Times@reddit

I never thought of that either......how when my guy friends would eventually get married and now we're now hanging around anymore...... like.....huh? Why? Sounds like you kept yourself busy regardless. 💪🏻 What's up that the NattyLite is a migraine waiting to happen. Try some IPA my darling and see how that feels. It's lighter on the skull and lighter on the allergies. 💖

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TapeFlip187@reddit

Oof, ipa makes me feel like I ate a bale of hay 🫩 Pabst is my migraine potion. Natties however are fresh! Keepin hydrated! Basically like drinking Mentos haha.

I never again had friends like I did when I was twelve.

Jesus, does anybody?

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Jesuison@reddit

So wild how hearing that line as a kid watching that movie was emotional because you felt sorry for him. Now it’s a gut punch from identifying with it.

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squirtloaf@reddit

I know you're quoting a movie, but honestly, I have better friends now, and more of them. I had liiiiike 3 really good friends when I was 12 lol.

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QueenScorp@reddit

💯 The friends I have now are literally the best people I've known my entire life. Friends I had at 12 were people I grew up with and we hung out because we lived in the same neighborhood and went to the same school. I had one best friend I had known since kindergarten and we ended up growing apart in teen years. People change a lot in those years.

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cdgal38382@reddit

I agree with you, I just love that line!

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squirtloaf@reddit

gif

Wow, I honestly thought I was the only one, but it looks like it's a Gen X thing? So crazy how so many of us are lonely and craving good quality friendship.

Yeah, moslty I do.

I just moved, but before that I had buddies and at least a couple of us would get together for an afternoon most weeks.

I still see the friends I grew up with. A couple years ago it hit us that we only saw each other at weddings and funerals. We're out of weddings to go to. It takes a little effort, but it's worth it.

I need to make a new friend or two. It takes more work, these days. I don't have kids, so I'm not plugged into a forced social circle.

One of my favorite songs has a line, "If friends were gold, I'd be a king, I guess."

I don't think kids have the opportunity to be bored, anymore. One of my friends, we connected in 3rd grade. We were walking the same way home from school and I said, "I'm bored". He said, "i got some bottle rockets. Wanna shoot them?" Best friends for nearly 40 years

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-DollParts-@reddit

I’m 49 and I have no friends. I do miss those just hang friends. I always thought it would be like in the movies where you have one close friend - Thelma and Louise style…

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Pink_Floyd_Chunes@reddit

I do miss that very casual form of interaction.

What we do is have dinner parties. We invite people over for dinner, cook for them, and have cocktails. We sit outside around our fire pit, catch up with each other, have a couple of drinks, then serve dinner. people ALWAYS stay and hang out afterward, which gets you to that later evening vibe where people tend to let their hair down.

I'm (m61), so the oldest GenX. A lot of our friends are Boomers, but we have some GenY and Z friends as well. We're a mixture of gay and straight couples, and a few singles in there, too. It takes persistence to cultivate and nurture friendships, so we make an effort to host a lot more than we are hosted - which is fine with us.

Most of the time dinner is just a family style thing - even a supermarket rotisserie chicken, some rice pilaf, and a salad, and we ask people to bring dessert or a bottle of wine to share. It works out for us quite well.

Friend?!? WTF is that? Oh you mean my wife? Yup my only friend. But I think we all know there is a big difference there.

Unfortunately the only other friend I’ve ever really had died about 10 years ago. NGL, I’m lonely and would like to find a buddy or two to chat about nerdy shit, woodworking, go to the firing range, and generally misbehave.

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Actual_Contract8644@reddit

ya i have zero social life…… i want to sit around the fire and chat and laugh and whatever. I miss having friends

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HowdIGetHere21@reddit

I'm still bff with the girl I was with at 13. We try to see each other as often as possible. Our friendship has grown as we have. We raised our kids together and now commiserate about menopause, lol. I don't have a lot of friends, I never did. But the ones I do have are close.

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QueenScorp@reddit

About 5 years ago my daughter was getting ready to leave the nest and it occurred to me that I had no hobbies, no friends of my own, was not in a relationship, and realized that I had spent the last 20 years focused on raising my child and working and not maintaining a social circle at all

I did two things. First, I started therapy and started working on my own Gen x dismissive avoidant tendencies. Second, I started putting in effort to do things that interested me and to regularly and consistently do them . Fast forward to today and I have an amazing, robust friend group that is the best support system I've ever had in my entire life, and every single one of them I met through regularly and consistently doing things that interested me.. I've grown very close to one of the women in the group and we we'll often hang out and just chat or do whatever.

Having a core group of friends means that at any time there is usually at least a couple of them willing to hang out or go do some random ass activity, I literally just got home from dinner and meme trivia with three of my friends. On Friday a different subset of the group plus two additional friends of one of my friends are going to go have a bonfire in a park. Because why the hell not?

The thing is though, it can take time to develop those types of friendships. I've had acquaintances over my lifetime that I could hang out with on occasion but they usually fall to the wayside when more important things come up or their life takes a different direction. And that's okay, not everyone is meant to be in your life forever. You learn and you grow and you eventually find your people.

But you've got to put yourself out there. And you've got to be consistent about it. You can't go to meme trivia one time and expect to pick up a bunch of new friends. Those are just acquaintances, developing the friendship takes time and effort, just like with a romantic relationship. Some are good matches, some are not.

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StillHotPants9@reddit

Was in similar place as you, child moving out, too much focus on parenting/ being a wife, at the time. It takes work to make friends as a grown up, but is so worth it, right? Consistency helps, is what I found. And trying new things !!

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QueenScorp@reddit

I've seen questions like those come up a lot and it seems like so many people are just stuck in their ways in middle age and generally content with their life. And that's fine but then they complain about not having friends and being lonely. You can't have it both ways. You either shake up your life or you continue on with it.

As a consummate introvert it was hard to put myself out there, but also so worth it

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StillHotPants9@reddit

Yes, just because I am no longer 40, does not mean I want to be stagnant and not have fun. Seems like some people get to past 40 and up and stop trying new things. Shaking things up is a good thing in certain situations.

I am an extrovert that also needs some quiet and downtime, so enjoy both socializing and downtime alone when needed. But the easy hangouts I miss those!

You have said the key thing and it’s “putting yourself out there.” To make friends you have to go where the friends are. You have to be interested in things. It takes effort, right now I am currently learning to sword fight because a guy I’m friends with asked me to come to train with him. Turns out it’s pretty fun but also we are closer now and have fun stuff to talk about.

It takes effort to have friends and sometimes it pays off and sometimes it doesn’t.

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QueenScorp@reddit

Yep putting yourself out there and "consistency" are the keys. If you do anything repeatedly you are bound to meet people who have similar interests and who want to get to know you. You don't even have to do a whole bunch of different things, literally just start going to the same event once a week and you will get to know the regulars. Could be a volunteer thing, a hobby group, a dance class.... Doesn't matter, just be consistent about it

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Minimum_Rub_7316@reddit

Lost the last 2 friends I had that were like that. They aren't gone, just not friends any longer. People have let the propaganda win and they think you can't be friends with someone if you see things different, politically speaking. Sad time in America

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deadlyspoons@reddit

It’s crazy how personal political beliefs spring from a series of arid calculations, like choosing what to eat with an Excel pivot table.

In no way do you have any agency in the matter. Nor do your politics reflect your personality or how you value other people in the world. Whether it’s a ball game or an ICE abduction, it is all just TV, amirite? Nothing matters.

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Decent_Juggernaut_80@reddit

I have a “ride or die” friend who is like what you described. We even have the no judgement flake off excuse between us. If one wants to flake off there’s no criticism or guilt trip from the other.

We’ve been friends for 35 years.

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Sad-Macaroon9067@reddit

Yes ..kind of. We're pretty scattered, so much of our contact is via group messages. We "hang out" daily, but only see each other in person a couple of times a year.

BadHairDay-1@reddit

Message me anytime!

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exceptionallyprosaic@reddit

My friends have started dying, so that fucking sucks.

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debtXyzLlc@reddit

My HS buddies do lunch frequently to laugh at the crazy stuff from yesteryear! Yes, we also complain about the pains and heartaches. Life is good with friends.

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bemenaker@reddit

Yes. I have multiple friends like that. And also a few neighbors like that. Neighbors regularly hang out in the cul-de-sac and setup a fire pit and drink and chat until 1-2 in the morning. I have friends going back to college that I could easily hang out with like that, and still often do.

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XannieMC@reddit

I have no friends, but whatever.

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SheriffBartholomew@reddit

I do, but only when I go home for a visit. I moved half way across the country and haven't made any good friends since I moved. My lifelong friends back home are still as close as ever. We text all the time and when we visit it's like we haven't been apart, but those visits are getting further and further apart as time drags on. Moving was great for my career, but it was not good for my social life, of which I now have none.

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Ustob@reddit

This is common IMO cause its eactly what i said.

i moved & only care & viceversa when i go visit parents & go meet up like it was yesterday.

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Ustob@reddit

i meet up wth those dudes when i visit parents but nothing else.

no talking on phone anymore. i think i stoppe dkicking it with my close friends around 2012/2015..

/shrugs no big deal.. if i cared or they did someone would call..

we had a larger tight crew of like 8 dudes.. Madden/NHL & bar clubs after..

oh your talking teenage years...well 2 of my friends were teenage dudes i skated w/ and stayed friends with..

i accept its normal to move on cause they did the same & no for no reason whatsoever..

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JD_tubeguy@reddit

My friends like that have mostly dispersed the closest are 45 mins to an hour away and the furthest are cross country. I do have some close friends from work who live closer I hang out with but in a city that usually means going out. 56 here btw.

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Imcluelesstoday@reddit

Yep, have 6 good ones. We get together once a month and slam some dominos. Ben playing dominos for about 30 years 👍

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Additional-Leg4696@reddit

I am 53 with a 13 year old and an almost 11 year old. Totally get this.
My best friend lives three hours away.

The moms of kids that are the same age as my kids are different. Many are nice. I just don't relate to them in terms of having the same interests.

I get that. If I don't leave the housei might go 4 or 5 days without seeing or speaking to a single person. There's the dog and cats, but that isn't the same.

I've always been a loner, but never like this. It's soul crushing.

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PriorButterscotch953@reddit

I’m 49 - I do have a few really close ride or die friends and a handful more that I socialize with. With two full time working parents and busy kids - I’m just really busy and frankly tired. By the time I get to the weekend I haven’t planned anything. Seeing my friends falls into about last place. It’s hard to see each other because of schedules - and feel like we’re all in the same boat. I would like more spontaneous hanging out. I miss my neighbor that moved - it was easy to see her and hang for an hour or two. Having friends that are into the same hobbies help - I have specific people I like to see concerts with, go paddleboarding with, etc.

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lastpickedforteam@reddit

The only long time friend I have is my husband always makes me glad I married my best friend the rest have scattered.

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unsafe357@reddit

I really feel your pain on this one. I still have some good friends left, but it takes an insane amount of coordination for anyone to spend time together anymore. I used to think I did something to upset people, but, I'm hearing about this sort of thing from all different sorts of folks. People of our age used to think "flaking" was the ultimate sin you could commit against your friends. Now? It's the default.

These god awful phones have ruined humanity, full stop. Society feels like performance art at this point.

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ThoughtfulCocktail@reddit

I'm an older Gen X at 59 yrs, but I'm happy to report I'm doing better in the friends department than I did as a kid. My partner and I have met new people at the gym and in recreational drop in settings, like table tennis. It definitely takes a little effort to make and maintain friends as we age, but it's really worth it I think

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Diasies_inMyHair@reddit

I have to say that I gave up trying to make new friends as I got older. I feel like I cannot truly be myself without scaring them off with my baggage, or humor, or odd outlook, or somethin g. So I stopped trying. I do still have a few friends from my youth in my life at some level or another. I married one of them.

My other best friend is the sister I never had. She and I spent countless afternoons sitting at either end of the couch, feet tucked under each others' legs, just reading books and talking about books. We lost contact for a bit, but reconnected again in the early 2000s because she used an old phone book to look up my MiL who passed the message along to me. We now, for the past 5 or 6 years, live about 20 minutes away from each other, and get together fairly often. Not like we did as teenagers, but some. More now that our kids are all grown or almost grown. I can't explain how important that friendship is to me now. She "gets" me, and I her, like none but our spouses can even come close to.

I have one other friend I can hang out with like that (out thing was watching a week's worth of TV together on Saturday affternoons) after getting our specialty-shop grocery shopping done. Sadly, we don't live in the same town anymore. So we see each other when we can and exchange texts on a semi-refgular basis.

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plnnyOfallOFit@reddit

BTW my olds group showed up like an amoeba- two of us attached w a few others so then we ended w a "group".

we "darty" (day party) like hiking our dogs or going to music festivals where i dance up a storm before sunset

Not a hang out type of crew, but a "do stuff" sober crew. They like the wine break

M53, I have a bunch of ride or die friends, about 5 of us. It’s about priorities for me. I deliberately bought my house nearby to maintain the friendships. Turned down jobs that were too far away as well because it’s just a job, right?

Our wives are best mates too, we’re Godparents to each other”s kids and we go to concerts, ski holidays, and hang out and smoke weird substances til 4am at music festivals. Yea, we have arguments, but we’ve always got each other’s backs. So great friendships are possible, you have to prioritise it though.

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Xx_SwordWords_xX@reddit

You guys need a YouTube channel if you don't already have one.

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mlill@reddit

No YouTube channel, but I just looked at our WhatsApp group and it goes back 10 years!

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Xx_SwordWords_xX@reddit

I'm telling you, you guys could monetize this, by helping other guys understand how to maintain a friend group.

Wow that cat friend seems like kind of a dud, what?!? I do have one friend who always had main character energy and always was designing narratives for everyone around herself... Then she moved away and I guess I wasn't asking how she's doing enough and, I dunno, she's so distant now, but tight with the other friends she stole from other people. I ain't got time for that and really wish she'd bugger all the way off, but she has to keep her fingers in the mix so she can keep tags on everyone. That is not the kind of friend I want -- a conditional friend!!

It's the highlight of our week and though we're not all besties, we certainly are decent enough friends.

Also gives me a reason to deep clean my apartment on a weekly basis. 😆

That being said though: I don't find it as easy to do as I did thirty years ago. Back then, I was younger, had more outlets of activity and the Internet wasn't huge yet so we didn't all have our faces plastered to screens and ignoring each other.

I really do miss pre-internet days. I know I was different and while some of the changes can be ascribed to aging, much of it is the shut-in lifestyle the internet fosters.

There's a chat group of people that I went to high school with that lives out of state that was formed during COVID that I belong to. We talk every week.

Having kids started the drift; covid finished it.

I still have a few friendships that are only kept alive with text messages. I would love one of those nights with a few friends where we do nothing but talk all night long but those days are long gone.

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gnortsmracr@reddit

I hear ya. I feel like I’m in a similar boat. 52M. Got a 22 yo daughter in college. So the issue of (lack of) available time is there. Additionally, I don’t live anywhere near where I grew up, and pretty much all my college friends were from a ways away. To add insult to the proverbial injury, I’m a huge introvert. So I’m pretty screwed that way. I do have my wife (been together almost 30 years). It can certainly be a bit lonely at times. But, funnily enough, FWIW, I’ve been able to connect with like-minded, similarly introverted and/or neurospicy folks online. That’s helped a bit.

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ONROSREPUS@reddit

Just my thoughts. Friends as adults takes more work. People have much more busy lives then when we were kids. Even if some people don't seem to be busy they maybe are just home unwinding from a busy day or week and just want some solitude alone.

I feel pretty luck with my friend group I have had since HS. If they are not busy with there kids stuff they would be down for just about anything. I feel that is because we have known each other for so long that no matter what we end up doing it will most likely end up being a good time.

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Public-Requirement99@reddit

5000 miles couldn’t keep me apart from my SIL/bestie of 40 years. We “hung out” via AT&T daily even after I married & moved away and her divorce from my brother. It was her death 1/25/26. A heart attack took her after 1 dose of Methylene Blue per the toxicology report. She was a medical mess (approved for disability on the first application with no legal assistance-docs took one look at her file & said “oh yeah-you meet all the requirements”) trying all the things (supplements) to get better. Sadly she had undiagnosed heart disease which conflicted with the 1 dose and it killed her. Cherish those relationships Ladies💖 Never in a million did I think I would ride & die without Kimba😢

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LuckyAd2714@reddit

I still have them. Oddly people from my high school stay very close with each other - I personally love it but it’s unusual. I’m almost 59 so we’ve been together quite while now ❤️

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BlownCamaro@reddit

You'll hear from your "friends" when they want something from you, I'll promise you that.

It might be:

To dump their problems on you for a solid hour yet never once asking, "How are you doing?"

To ask you to fix something of theirs because they are more than a little aware of your skillset.

Want to know how to break the cycle? Tell them "NO!" just once. That's all it will take. And you'll never hear from them again. Doesn't matter if you've been "friends" for 30 years - they're gone just like that.

I only wish I had discovered this one easy trick a long, long time ago.

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B9M3C99@reddit

I don't know any 50yo people who party till 3am. Maybe you expectations are different than others your age? It's not a criticism just an observation. They prob can't keep up with you! Lol

There are tons of groups here and on social media for shared interests and a lot have local chapters/ groups that get together. Many have continued to meet virtually since Covid. That's nice because you can check it out from the comfort of your home first. If music and concerts are your thing, maybe start with that? If you have a passion or cause, maybe volunteer with that to find like- minded people?

You have to go to those places and so do other people. So you get natural interaction.

With a hobby, you are all there because you enjoy it and want to be.

For me, my child free friends all scattered over covid. As in physically relocated. I also was in the process of moving one state over when covid hit. I have 3 steps who were in high school at the time so the past 6 years have been a bit of a blur.

I volunteer at a local no kill cat shelter and recently I've been cultivating an IRL friend I met there. It's rough out there y'all but please keep trying.

The youngest is graduating in a few months as well as completing his black belt. I'm focusing on a new certification to become "a menopause case manager" type of thing starting in June. Because I feel this in my bones, OP. I need friends IRL too! I have a rockstar husband but a girl needs her people.

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Amazing_Weird3597@reddit

Everyone lives far, we imagine those scenarios where we could be next door or close by again but everyone has kids or lives. We have to schedule hangout time. I miss it too man.🥲

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StarPony-2077@reddit

It's the distance that makes things hard. The friends who I want to hang out with just don't live so nearby anymore. My neighbors and kids friends parents are nice but not who I'd hang out with like that. My best friend and I send WhatsApp videos several times a week to keep up with each other. Otherwise I rarely see anyone.

I met my closest 4 girlfriends when I started highschool. We are all now 52-53 and still see each other regularly. Our group of friends have seen each other through boyfriends, babies, husbands, deaths and everything in between.

Sintered_Monkey@reddit

I saw a term called the Socioemotional Selectivity Theory about that. The theory was that as we age, we realize how little time we have left and get pickier about who we spend that time with. So the people we didn't quite get along with, or just kind of tolerated are the ones we realize that we don't really need to waste our time with anymore.

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Impressive-Shame-525@reddit

I guess I'm lucky. My oldest living friend and I met in 1st grade.

Other friends I met in cub scouts / boy scouts

Others I met in high school. All in all about 7 of us still talk regularly. We play D&D over discord.

We've been really tight forever.

It helps that none of us had to move for whatever reasons.

I love them and I make it awkward and I tell them. We're all dudes so it's weird for them but they can get over it. Hah.

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mmmmmarty@reddit

I married my friend like this. We sit in the shop and talk for hours.

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Ok-Literature7782@reddit

I made a reply comment above but come I talk to also would like to add that everybody in my age group seems Early and to settle down for bedtime. I work weekend night shifts from 6:00 p.m. to 6:00 a.m. . I've always been a night person. Where did all my night people go? Not to mention it after the pandemic nothing is open 24/7 anymore. Don't have a clue to meet any new friends. (56, Belton South Carolina)(Near Greenville).

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V1per73@reddit

I outlived both of my best friends. I've got some buddies from the VFW, but I don't go out of my way to seek out their company. Nothing against them, they just aren't the two friends from elementary school that would have my back at the drop of a hat, and vice versa.

My husband and I still hang out a lot, listen to music together, sit on the porch, talk about everything and nothing, etc.

I have a small number of friends I could hang out with if we didn't live on the other side of the country from each other, or the other side of the world in some cases. But someone nearby, who I'm not married to? Nope.

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I'd say I have two friends left. In the past year I might have spent a handful of hours hanging out between them. Both times, and people change. I'm not looking to make any new friends at this point in life. The lack of drama and bullshit I have to put up with validates my decision.

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No-Reward8036@reddit

My oldest friend and I have known each other for 54 years. My snake of a brother died a couple of days ago, and she has been checking in with me regularly to make sure I am all right. Last night she video called, and then called back an hour or so later when she had found his obituary, and we were in absolute kinks over the lies he told to the last wife. We knew he would lie, but we had not expected such monumental, easily disproved lies. I still don't know exactly what he said about me, but I am now expecting even worse than I originally managed.

My pal has my back in more ways than I can ever explain.

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PercentageNonGrata@reddit

Even if you can make a new friend, they’ll never be the same as those old friendships you had. I think that’s where the sense of sadness and forlorn really hit.

Like that line in “Stand by Me”:

“I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?”

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Xx_SwordWords_xX@reddit

I mean beyond friends, imagine what a whole society could do, if everybody wasn't so "insular", kept busy by making money for capitalism.

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Awesomesince1973@reddit

u/beegsyboo where do you live? Maybe someone here lives close to you?

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dchobo@reddit

Nope...

In my 20s I never seemed to have a problem finding friends to hang out with.

Then pretty soon everyone went their own way.

Then the frequent hang-outs became rare get-togethers.

Then the conversations turned into "updates".

Then I heard fewer of updates from my friends.

Then no one seemed to be interested in my updates anymore.

Then one day -- just like you -- I wondered what happened.

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SimpleVegetable5715@reddit

I don’t have kids, and people who do have kids mainly talk about their kids. So I can’t relate anymore. I don’t remember my parents letting all their interests go once they became parents. Now my sister’s kids have moved out, and she “rediscovered” her love of rock music. Is that what it takes for you all? You can’t even listen to your own music while your kids live with you? Maybe that’s why Gen Z seems so out of touch with anything that happened before they were born. Because you all let them run your lives.

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local_weather@reddit

My wife and I are so lucky to have found two other couples our age without kids. I know we all have different reasons but by this age we’ve come to terms with it and just enjoy the time and freedom we have because of it.

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cutechloeart@reddit

I agree with this! My hubby and I are kidless as well and it's so hard to relate/listen to all the parental crap that people talk about non-stop. So we stopped hanging with most of our friends for that reason.

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My best best friend from school passed in '98. My other life long friend ghosted me a few years ago... Since then I've been alone... But truly I've always felt alone. I'm 56 and son is 35 and I swear I must have found him under a rock... He's so mean to me 😕 Most of the time I feel being alone, it's for the better .. but then in the rare occasions, I wonder why I'm not good enough to have kept friends.. But then, I get online and talk to other people like me 🙂

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Pigeonofthesea8@reddit

This is the worst aspect of our generation. I see boomers showing up for friendship, card games, hospital visits, block parties no matter their age.

Gen X: “I am lonely” but also “I refuse to do anything that puts me one iota out of my comfort zone”

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Fun-Muffin5865@reddit

We are damaged goods.

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Pigeonofthesea8@reddit

I think a little yes.

Quick test. “You just moved to a new home. A neighbour turns up at your door with food, what do you do?”

A) Welcome them in

B) Look through the peephole and ask what they want, assuming they have nefarious aims

soleiles1@reddit

Have 5 people that I call real friends- 1 from middle school, 1 from college, 3 from my career over the last 22 years. 2 will retire before me and be gone. One lives on the other side of the country, the other two 2 hours away. We all still have kids at home so its hard to get together.

When I retire in 8 years I'm moving to be with my middle school bestie. It will be that way until we die. We live on a good block of neighbors and we get together but they are 10 years younger. I do miss those days you described! They are few and far between now with the demands of life.

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corq@reddit

I do, and I'm incredibly grateful. I did however freak out my bestie in my then-new apartment after she stayed over after we' screened "Pink Floyd: The Wall". The apartment was a teeny efficiency and she slept on my couch, but woke up to my radio's hippy radio station's alarm, but it was playing 60/70's psychedelic music (Thanks, WWUS!) She called out my name, and asked me if she was still asleep, but that my poster was scaring her. I calmed her down, but we definitely laugh about it now.

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beegsyboo@reddit (OP)

That poster is scary AF. Remember it well!

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Willing_Freedom_1067@reddit

I’m too tired to have friends. Not physically tired, but….soul tired. If that makes sense.

The only person I have in this world is my daughter. I’m holding on only for her.

I’m 54, and all my friends seem to fall away when I started to become disabled. I started having difficulty walking, and having chronic pain, and they backed up until they were out the door. I’m the same person I was, just in a wheelchair, but.

All the people talking here need to get together and support each other somehow.

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kimbone777@reddit

I got lucky, I married that friend. We put a pool table in the garage, and he brings me my favorite drinks. So 3 out of 7 nights we listen to 80s and 90s music, drink, play pool, and laugh. The other 4 nights we fuck. There is something to marrying your best friend.

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GrandmaD-4@reddit

I have 2 friends and they both live about 2 hours away. Everyone is busy…kids, grandkids, aging parents. I would give anything for a night with my friends to gossip and laugh. I miss them.

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knitty_kitty_knitz@reddit

I don’t, but you sound like a cool person who I’d be friends with if circumstances aligned. I say that not to be weird but to say there are still people out there open to friendships. They are just not easy to find. I was never a girl with a group of friends, I usually had just a few.

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Traditional_Fan_2655@reddit

I do and don't. I have a ride or die friend who I've been friends with since we were 15, but lives 1 1/2 hrs away. Another close friend is from college. Seeing her varies wildly. She lives between 2 homes 5 hrs apart. It makes it tricky to meet, especially as she only does stuff with her husband on weekends. My BFF from a job left years ago whose daughter is my goddaughter moved a state away. It's now a text or call friendship. Then, I have a younger group of friends from when I was playing an in person amd online game. 10 years later, we still go to dinners, movies, and sometimes, one another's homes. They are all 15+ years younger, so it's interesting..

I'm open to meeting new friends, but my issue is I simply have zero interest in concerts, crowds, or drinking beyond a glass. I used to party until the wee hours, go dancing half the night, hang out in the pubs, do the trivia over beers, and more. I just prefer more laid back hanging out. I'm happy to go to meals, have friends over, cook together, or sit back and chat the evening away. I just don't party. I did all that heavily in my 20s. It simply isn't my thing anymore. Maybe that's the problem?

I have come to accept that your middle age is when your friendships get ripped apart. Not necessarily because people start disliking each other. They just simply stop maintaining those friendships. And there’s nothing during that period that forces you together so that you keep that connection.

So high school, university, and even the beginning of your career and your prime dating years are when you have great friendships. You’re forced to see those people, so maintaining those friendships is pretty easy. But then people move away, people get promotions, people have families, etc., etc.

So I am actually looking forward to that 65-year age, where things start to go back to the way they were. You have time to volunteer, so you start seeing people regularly. Your friends with children start to get a bit lonely and start reaching out to you again. And eventually, you’re going to live in something where you’re constantly seeing the same people every day, so you can actually make new friends.

Basically, I’m looking forward to my Golden Girls years.

And the raves at Shady Pines are going to be spectacular.

gif

Amen!

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tragicsandwichblogs@reddit

You're looking for childhood friendship in adulthood, and that's just never been how it works, no matter what TV shows tell you. Here's some of what's going on, as I see it:

People are, in fact, that busy. They can't hang out in the middle of the day because they have jobs. (I can, because I got laid off several months ago. You know what? I'd rather have kept that job, but it wasn't up to me.) Then they have to make dinner and get ready for the next day.
People with kids have to work around their kids' schedules. Growing up, my brother and I had more extracurricular activities than anyone else I knew. Today, our schedules wouldn't measure up.
A lot of us have moved and just aren't in any kind of geographic proximity at this point.

So the question is, how do you keep friendships going? The answer is that you schedule get-togethers like they are playdates. I have brunch monthly with one local friend and quarterly with another. I have a Zoom every two months with a friend who lives in another time zone.

Is it the same? No. But it doesn't hit as hard if you don't expect it to be the same.

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beegsyboo@reddit (OP)

I kinda think you aren't my target audience, no offense! I have a kid and I'm cooking dinner right now and I worked a movie premier last night and I'm going to a show tomorrow, bbqing with family friends on Saturday and joining my kid for a field trip on Monday... The list goes on

I just think I can't be the only person who does all this and feels this way and still can't figure out quite how to connect with the people who are like me.

I used to rock out to that one. 😂

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ambientdiscord@reddit

I still talk to a more than a few of the friends I have made over the years, but none of them live in the piece of shit State I moved to 30 years ago. 30 years, no friends. I’ve tried, but this is one of those states where there’s no real cities and everyone lives no more than 15 minutes from the town they grew up in. It’s suburban hell. If you’re not from here, you’re forever an outsider. My husband grew up 40 minutes away and until recently, would still hang out with high school friends from time to time, but their wives were always shitty to me. Jesus, I fucking hate it here.

jinrohme2000@reddit

My best friend and I went in together. He went marines and I went Navy lol

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Lloyds_Voids@reddit

One good friend haver here and he lives 3000 miles away. We haven't seen each other in 12 years. I'm 45. My child is 12. I get the feeling, but... you came to GenX. I also enjoy my silence.

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Pypsy143@reddit

I had what I thought were good friends, but over the years, one by one, they all betrayed me in various ways so I had to let them go.

Lost my closest friend in 2016. He was the guy I could just hang with. Died of a heart attack due to an undiagnosed defect. We’d been friends for almost 30 years when he passed.

There’s something about getting older that changes who you hang out with and how close your friendships are, or at least that’s the case for me. There’s no way I’ll ever have another friendship like that, because I’m not the person I was back then. I’m not just older, I’m more cynical and beaten down and don’t have the spirit I had back in the day, and because of that, I also don’t have the ability to trust in the same unconditional manner anymore.

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Because as adults it is unsustainable. I am 53, my wife is 48, and we are childfree. We have other childfree friends but nobody can drop everything and drive 40 min to hang out and chill on a whim. Life simply demands more of us. Our friends with kids have even less time to spend in a day on something that's ultimately a spontaneous event.

I have many close friends that I can confide in...and there's just no way I can break off a piece of my day to go chill and do nothing with them...and I'm retired!

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Dense-Consequence-70@reddit

I do but I don’t see them often enough

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-carolinagirl69-@reddit

No advice. But you’re not alone. I have many childhood/teenage friends but they’re all married. We get together a few times a year but it would be nice to have someone I could hang out with on a regular basis.

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mtcwby@reddit

My best friend was older and got dementia in 2018 and passed a couple of years ago. We saw each other every Sunday even if it was just to have breakfast. My sons and wife fill in the gaps some in that different way and we're all close.

There's some activities that I'll be able to do more when I retire and I have hope for that.

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ApplesBananasRhinoc@reddit

We should have a code word that we use to identify people that want to hang and listen to pink floyd and shoot the shit.

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Separate-Succotash11@reddit

Comfortablynumb

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beegsyboo@reddit (OP)

Like "Hello? Is anybody out there?"

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I-used2B-a-Valkyrie@reddit

50 here. None of my childhood friends live within a day’s drive of me, so it’s maybe once a year visits and a lot of texts and phone calls. I made new friends in my new home (been here over 10 years) and they’re mostly mom friends I connected with due to my 5yo. We have a play date Sunday and a girls’ weekend trip coming up without kids and spouses.

It’s great to cultivate new friendships. You don’t have to let the old ones go, just recognize that they look different now. And it’s ok to grieve that a little bit.

And what's worse is that everyone my age is so damn old. I don't have anything in common with them.

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Curious_41427@reddit

Yes, this

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KalistoCA@reddit

Zero friends

Well my wife and my dog are my friends

I used to live for Friday and Saturday nights and tennis during the week. Next to last nail in that coffin was moving 1100 miles away.

Still have dope, books, our cats, and the boys are in their teens so we can have something resembling conversations.

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akillerofjoy@reddit

This hits hard. It wasn’t that long ago that I yearned for the same thing. I didn’t care for the social status, or stations in life, I just wanted someone to kick it with. Finally I resigned to the fact that it ain’t happening for me.

A lot of it has to do with my own issues. As an introvert, I’ve distanced myself from all my former friends so long ago that I don’t even know how to be a friend. I almost made one at work, she’s a girl, but she is into a bunch of guy stuff and knows her way around an engine, so that was cool, but then it sort of fizzled out.

So, these days, I pretend. Laying under my car, fixing my exhaust and playing out a conversation with myself as another person. Maybe it’s an early onset of schizophrenia.

I’ve learnt to be grateful for the smallest interactions. Thank god for Reddit, because for the 5 minutes that it takes me to hammer out this message, you are a friend.

And maybe this is what it’s all about. Our entertainment went from 2 hour long movies to 2 minute long clips. Maybe short-form friendships is the brave new world. Or, as Tyler Durden aptly called it, single-serving friends

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Starcat75@reddit

51 and don’t really hang out with anyone anymore. Just work and family mostly. Occasionally text the few friends I have, see them a couple times a year. that’s about it now

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Quick-Leopard-183@reddit

I have two best friends. One lives in another state and the other one actually has a life and other friends that they hang out with. I hang out with my dog 24/7. I don't have any friends really. I sit here alone every night with my dog and watch hockey and eat popcorn and eat weed

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stockzy@reddit

Every body I hung out with in my 20’s left my city except for 3. And they’re all too busy to catch up most of the time. We chat in a group chat every now and then but that’s sporadic.

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skwigi@reddit

I'm 57 and have no friends even a little like what you're talking about. The period of my life where I did have that kind of friend was very brief, maybe 5 years during my twenties. I miss that sometimes, but not to the point where I feel like I need to do something about it. I have so much else in my life that fulfils me and sustains my interest. None of that is work, by the way, I'm fully retired.

I have a lot of these relationships still...but it is mostly because I play in bands, and many of them have people I have known 20 or 30 or even 40 years in them, so we spend a lot of time at gigs and rehearsals just shooting the shit, drinking beer and rocking out.

It kind of rules.

I don't really stay in touch with my long time friends. Everyone is busy or dealing with some personal issues and the texts get more infrequent and the get-togethers are rare. I suppose it's just the nature of things.

When I met my wife I found a new group of friends and we get together a few times a month. I feel very fortunate.

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beegsyboo@reddit (OP)

Sounds like you got it good! Don't leave, and keep it going!

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ErringGlarer@reddit

I miss hanging out with my friends like I did in high school and college. Especially my best friend, who now lives across the country. We used to be at each other’s houses all the time, do everything and nothing together. Even going to the store or cleaning was more fun with a friend.

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OKWalter-123@reddit

I miss having friends

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tvieno@reddit

Com'on over. Bring what you like to drink and the music you like and we'll all chill at the pool. Later, we'll grill up some burgers or dogs and sing songs into the night.

They’re a phone call away. Unfortunately, None of us party anymore.

BadstoneMusic@reddit

Guess I’m not the only one - no friends outside of two I occasionally chat with while playing vid games but they’re both far away - and no family so I feel this as well

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chonkchonkchonkyu@reddit

I feel you. I miss my younger me girl friends. Realistically, I’m so busy working at a job with neverending needy clients and be a decent parent and spouse, it’s really difficult finding time to find a friend who wants to do these things in the rare moments when our open and available times align. But I miss it too.

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Rich_Group_8997@reddit

I have my two besties and we will get together and just chill. It's not as spontaneous as when we were younger though.

When I see my best friend, she, her BF and I will just hang at her place, get some food, have a drink or two, get baked, and watch dumb shit on TV .

If we can't get together, we'll meet virtually in a video chat. I've actually been feeling bad because of some health related life stuff, I haven't been able to hang with my bestie in a while and i miss her. 😭 Saw the other one last weekend when we went to bingo. 🤣

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painterlyjeans@reddit

I can’t stay up late now but I do do the rest. I’m organizing records now

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IndependentlyGreen@reddit

I had a cousin who died in a car accident at 16. She was the closest I had to a sister. Beside my husband, there isn't anyone that I'm that close with.

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CurlyCupcake1231@reddit

I don’t really have friends. After everyone got married, and especially aged having kids, we all just slowly grew apart. Some of my old friends have other groups of friends but I’ve pretty much stayed alone. As for me, I adopted this I can’t be fake and don’t want the drama mentality, plus I don’t drink at all, so yea…I have very few friends. Sometimes it bothers me and other times I’m grateful.

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MassCasualty@reddit

This is what people do in retirement communities. Make friends and hang out and do things together.

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DrFart_DDS@reddit

This honestly sounds like some top level advice right here

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amelianaK@reddit

If you are in central Maryland, I need a friend too

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CommissionFeisty9843@reddit

Yeah I really can’t say. My wife and I are now hermits.

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Jmast7@reddit

10 years I decided to start taking an adult beginner Taekwondo class. I found that may of them had similar interests to me and we started hanging out, getting wings and beer occasionally after class.

Fast forward a decade and we are all black belts, have fun game nights together and a common text thread to chat throughout the day.

Happy to say yes, I have several friends who hang out and we live close together.

They aren’t the same group of friends from my 20s, they’re actually more in line with my values and interests and it’s a wonderful thing.

None of us have kids under 18 though. That phase is over. Maybe that’s why I’ve always had a solid group of friends-I’ve never had kids and have always been free to do whatever