I found a long lost sibling, what do I do?
Posted by daddysgiirl666@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 76 comments
[removed]
Posted by daddysgiirl666@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 76 comments
[removed]
Jamballam@reddit
I actually had a pretty similar situation myself. I grew up knowing I had a half sister, but my half sister had absolutely no clue that my sister and I existed.
Honestly the easiest way to get answers is my least favourite to recommend, but, if you both do a commercial DNA test like 23 and Me or Ancestry, it’ll link you as siblings if he truly is your brother.
MolassesInevitable53@reddit
What is it he wants from you?
What answers could you have for him?
If your father is still alive, surely that is who this purported half brother should be directing his questions to.
West_Guarantee284@reddit
How has the afaiir 20 years ago led to her recent suicide? Sounds suspicious to me
Causerae@reddit
Excellent point, kinda scared that I/others didn't immediately ask the same thing
PolebagEggbag@reddit
I'd do every bit of cautious digging to fully rule out the possibility that it's a big scam before doing anything else.
daddysgiirl666@reddit (OP)
I don’t know what kind of cautious digging to do other than DNA testing, but with him being in Italy and all like I don’t know how to do this
Enough-Ad3818@reddit
Ancestry. It's global and will tell you clearly and immediately if you share DNA with that pen and how much (sibling, cousin etc etc).
It's probably worth £80 to know if it's true or not.
Flashy_Error_7989@reddit
DNA may not give you a conclusive answer unless you’ve got your dads as well- when you’re conceived your parents give half their DNA and so you could still be siblings without sharing much genetics
excitablegibben@reddit
Googling is free and it stops most cases of being so wrong it hurts.
Londongirl7@reddit
A DNA test will still recognise you as half siblings even if you don’t have the full 25% dna match.
aspannerdarkly@reddit
Username checks out
Clivicus@reddit
You can give your opinion of your father, but I'd hold back on giving any personal information. Get the DNA test done, a half-sibling can show up as a cousin / aunt / uncle relationship - I know this for a fact.
If nothing comes of it, you've got a great anecdote. If it shows you're related, you've got free holidays in Italy.
Despite what Reddit might say, life isn't all deception, lies, and scams. Enjoy this little chapter and see where it leads
daddysgiirl666@reddit (OP)
That was actually great 😂
daddysgiirl666@reddit (OP)
HAHAHAA TRUST
baudimoovan13@reddit
If you both do an Ancestry test (around £80 each) you should both pop up in each others close family section. It takes about 6 weeks to get the results.
utukore@reddit
Order to yours. Send to him with return envelope. Maybe get a po box for a bit
GrownDandilion@reddit
You order an ancestry test and they order and ancestry test if you are a match it will come up on your account. Last time I looked about £70 each. Your samples dont need to be sent off together
Imaginary_friend42@reddit
Also it doesn’t have to be ancestry.com , many places offer this service these days. Simplest if you both choose the same service, but if not you can upload your dna for free to another org that does DNA matching. I had mine tested @ 23&me, and have uploaded to gedmatch and livingdna. No family scandal discovered yet, sadly.
HesitantBrobecks@reddit
Didn't 23&me have a huge data breach the other year
I mean all dna companies are a bit sketchy cos of that, but I'd rather avoid the ones that are already known to have a problem
GrownDandilion@reddit
They went bankrupt i think now there is a debate as to who owns the data and what can be done with it
Imaginary_friend42@reddit
Security on these sites has improved a lot - for livingdna, you get an emailed pin every time you login
HesitantBrobecks@reddit
That isn't what I mean by a data breach. They store your dna results, you don't need login details to hack their actual server itself. The 23&me thing was that people got access to the central database where all the details are held, not peoples individual accounts
knotatwist@reddit
This is the simplest option that keeps you safe from it being a scam. No need to meet up or find a service for testing or anything else
I_will_never_reply@reddit
That'll be the scam - "I can't afford a DNA test, please send 70 Euros!!"
Easy
GrownDandilion@reddit
Good catch! At that point dont send the money and take no further action. Still worth getting your own one done youll soon see if you do have any half siblings.
Front_Scholar9757@reddit
True! I found my dad's half brother this way.
Long-Woodpecker-1980@reddit
^ ^ ^
This is the smart one.
Lots of people find out who they're related to this way.
EnjoysAGoodRead@reddit
Ask them to do a dna test with ancestry.com and do the same thing and see if it lists him as your relative
Cultural_Tank_6947@reddit
I'm sorry if I misunderstood this, but is asking your dad an option?
daddysgiirl666@reddit (OP)
I seriously doubt he’d tell the truth. I think secretly my mom even knows but is denying it to remain in ignorant bliss. There’s some information that this guy has told me that kind of match up even though my memory of my childhood is patchy, I remember there being a lot of issues in my household around the years he’s referenced.
If I did bring it up to my dad I’d rather have a dna test done so he can’t even deny and lie. This was I have conclusive evidence.
I don’t know what this person could be scamming me into.
Cow_Launcher@reddit
I doubt this is a typical inheritance scam, since you obviously wouldn't be the beneficiary of the deceased's estate.
A question for you though. Did he mention your dad's name, and mention it first...?
But let's assume the story he's telling is true, and he really is your half-brother. He's 20, his mother has just died and, as a junkie, she probably hasn't left much in the way of assets. See where I'm going with that? I reckon he's going to try to get under your skin, in the hopes that:
a) You will feel sorry for him and send him money or,
b) You will be his access to your father, who he will attempt to blackmail.
I would tread with great caution. In fact, I would probably cease any and all contact immediately, but that's just me.
daddysgiirl666@reddit (OP)
Sorry what did you mean access to his father who he will attempt to blackmail? He’s made a point to say he doesn’t want any help and that he just wants family. I am still weary without any proof, but I can’t help but be curious. This is why I’ve asked Reddit for any advice on the matter, since this is obviously an emotional topic for me, and I won’t be thinking as logically.
He did mention both my dad and my mom’s names first yes.
Cow_Launcher@reddit
What I meant was that if this feels off - and frankly to me it does - ask yourself what he hopes to gain, and what you would gain from any of this.
And if, after the loss of his mother, he wants to connect with the dad that he never knew, why is he doing it through you?
I may be wrong. Maybe this is a lost young man looking to find his roots. But to me this is absolutely screaming that it's the setup for a long scam. Unless you particularly want to get to know this half-brother, I would slam the door on him and get on with your life.
Clivicus@reddit
You can give your opinion of your father, but I'd hold back on giving any personal information. Get the DNA test done, a half-sibling can show up as a cousin / aunt / uncle relationship - I know this for a fact.
If nothing comes of it, you've got a great anecdote. If it shows you're related, you've got free holidays in Italy.
Despite what Reddit might say, life isn't all deception, lies, and scams. Enjoy this little chapter and see where it leads
daddysgiirl666@reddit (OP)
🥹❤️
ToriaLyons@reddit
Your dad may be a dick, but why's an affair caused an OD twenty years later?
Sounds fishy in itself.
daddysgiirl666@reddit (OP)
I don’t know that the affair did, but just generally addiction problems and mental health issues, that has now resulted in an Od
Sloth_Broth@reddit
Still not your dad's fault, that woman had a whole life..
ProfessorYaffle1@reddit
It could do if the faily did DNA tests and it came out that the person's father wasn't their father
runrunrudolf@reddit
I read it like that at first but I think OP meant that because of the OD the brother has gone looking for answers, not that the affair 20 years ago caused a present day OD. Was worded weirdly.
baudimoovan13@reddit
Same as you, I had to reread to understand they weren’t blaming the affair on the OD.
Prize_Librarian_1701@reddit
I know everyone's being correct and telling you to check things out via DNA checks etc (and you should) but as someone who actually had this happen in my family I have a different perspective. It is a very difficult experience for some in a family to get to terms with. If it does check out,some will want to get to know this person, some will not. We did and it's been good over all but it's not like an episode of Long Lost Family where everything is sugarcoated and birds tweet.
DiDiPLF@reddit
My MIL found her affair half brother a few years ago. We all made an effort to meet them and give them loads of grace but it turns out we weren't racist enough for them so they dropped us! Think he just wanted to know what he was missing and once his curiosity was satisfied he left. We aren't sad he left, massive gammon.
Prize_Librarian_1701@reddit
Ours was adopted by lovely people as a newborn and I totally get that urge to find out where you really came from. When found,her birth mother rejected her again and we are the only members of her father's side who are in touch. Life's a messy business sometimes.
elgrn1@reddit
I would get legal advice before rushing into anything.
You want to know how they found you when looking for your father. Unless your accounts are linked, or your father had an active relationship with the woman who passed and gave her your details, there should be no way for this person to find you via a random search.
In Europe we have very strict data privacy laws so its not like you could have been googled and your family tree just popped up and explained who your Dad is and the alleged affair he had.
It would be one thing if they had found you via an ancestry match but that isn't the case. So how did they get your details?
Also, what do they want from you? Other than your father's details?
Don't invest energy or money on a DNA test before doing some basic checks and asking the right questions.
OnTurtlesAndThings@reddit
Depends on what the mum knew and what she told him.
It's not unreasonable than the mum shared any other info she had, which would likely include area of the country, maybe knew he had other kids, he could probably have worked out approximate ages but could even have known their names.
For those of us with uncommon surnames we're surprisingly easy to trace on Facebook and google in general. I think you could find me only knowing my dad's name, the area he was from and that he had other children of approx x age.
Ruu2D2@reddit
Not true at all...
I found all my dad blood family not via dna
He was forced adoption in 1950s
You just need father name . Then you can find birth registry details. Marriage register details etc . You then just do social media search for name that match , you then narrow down who they could be based on age .
ColdAppointment3917@reddit
Exactly my thoughts, what do they want
msbookworm23@reddit
If you each buy your own Ancestry test they can be sent to different places. They go on sale around American holidays for ~£40 each. You'll match anyone you share DNA with who has taken the same test. Once both your results have processed you can switch off the matching aspect or delete your test entirely if you really want to.
MyHeritage does the same thing and is currently cheaper - just don't sign up for the free trial subscription because it auto-renews at cost and is not necessary for your needs.
CarpeCyprinidae@reddit
the real obvious question is whether the platforms share data - as its pointless going for the small platform if all your relatives are on the big one
For something like this i'd be selecting on dataset size not price unless i only wanted to confirm with just one other person - as there could be more to learn
daddysgiirl666@reddit (OP)
Thank you so much !!❤️❤️
Tea_confused@reddit
Incase you go with MyHeritage, there’s currently a code you can use, Katie19, which will allow you to get it for £19. I recently decided to get one after a YouTube channel I like offered the code.
Madyakker@reddit
Whilst this is a good idea, I'd be cautious before rushing in. You've already found one (possible) half-sibling, however you don't know that there aren't more. If there are and they have also taken an Ancestry DNA test then they will also match with you.
JoeDaStudd@reddit
There are many international brands of off the shelf DNA tests. AncestryDNA, 23andme, myheritage etc.
Just get a kit for yourself and one from the same company and it should automatically find them assuming you setup the privacy options correctly.
You can mix and match kits but you then have to extract and upload a matching service or third-party.
marvelatmymarbles@reddit
He’s looking for answers sounds a bit ominous to me. Even if you have a DNA test and he is who he says he is you’re not going to be able to explain why your dad hurt his mum. That’s not really anything to do with you. If he was just looking to have a relationship with something he’s closely related to the fine, but I can’t understand how you could possibly have answers for him about your dad’s affair.
MidnightRambler87@reddit
Pretty heavy topic for 1am in the morning?
CoconutBandita@reddit
Would it be an appropriate topic for 1am in the afternoon?
MidnightRambler87@reddit
It seems a bit of a weird topic to be asking Reddit advice for that’s all.
As other posters have said, it’s legal advice first.
CoconutBandita@reddit
What legal advice is available at 1am?
MidnightRambler87@reddit
Bad advice?
Timtamjam44@reddit
The paranoia in me would want to do the test with them just in case (in case of what...who knows).
Either way, even if they are related to you doesn't make them a good person. The only way to know that is by getting to know them.
NeitherDance6795@reddit
This happens to me! Only we found out because of a match on one of the dna sights. Our new sis is great though!
djs333@reddit
Who suggested the DNA test?
No_Pea-1@reddit
What it comes down to... would you want to split your dads estate when he dies, for a man none of you know?
FlagVenueIslander@reddit
You could both do an ancestry test or similar. But be aware that your DNA is then on a public database and all the fall out that then brings. There are multiple people who wish they had never done one of these tests. Also remember, it doesn’t just impact you, it impacts your whole family. You don’t owe that person anything. Don’t do anything that you aren’t 100% happy to do
DenM0ther@reddit
Is your Dad still around , can you talk to your dad about things? Either openly or just a few details around where he was at that time etc.
ebola-gay@reddit
As someone with this kind of history just beware. Opening Pandora’s box can be problematic.
LowerDragonfruit2584@reddit
Sounds like a scam unless they have solid proof about your father it all sounds bs
YchYFi@reddit
You need to talk to your family if there is any truth to it before trusting a complete stranger in just their word.
qash001@reddit
Weird that you turned to Reddit instead of asking for some details of his mum and checking with your dad if there's any truth to it.
Banes_Addiction@reddit
Have you asked your dad?
daddysgiirl666@reddit (OP)
I mean there is absolutely no trust in this man, he’s a liar and a narcissist. This kid truly ain’t missing out on much 😂
cursed_cucumbers@reddit
Welp with a username like that you didn't need to describe your father
Fizzywaterjones@reddit
Do you have ancestry.com in the UK? If so, both of you should test with ancestry. When the results come back, you’ll have your answer. The results will come back to your on-line ancestry account showing all of your dna matches. If you know he’s not your Mother’s child, the closest he will be is a half-brother.
ResplendentBear@reddit
Do they look like you or your Dad? Unless there's a strong family resemblance I'd probably just ignore it.
Not talking to your Dad about this before going down the DNA route does seem a bit odd.
Honestly, I appreciate this is a headfuck, and unexpected, and probably all a bit confusing, but, it's not your problem to solve. It's your Dad's (possible) infidelity that caused this, and you don't owe this new sibling/random person anything.
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