I would never watch a female Columbo. If that’s the straw that breaks the camel’s back then so be it.

And it’s not because I don’t like reboots, and it’s not because I don’t like gender swaps for famous characters. I don’t care about any of that. It’s because I always saw Peter Falk as sort of a father figure. My dad left my mom when I was very young, and I grew up watching Columbo and it quickly became a comfort show for me.

As I grew up, I started having dreams that quickly bacame fantasies. I’d imagine Columbo getting ready to leave my house or something and saying “…just one more thing…” and I’d say “yes, daddy Columbo?” and he would say, “you want to suck my cock, boy?” I can almost hear it in Peter Falk’s voice. He would unzip his pants and he would quickly unload down my throat and he would bid me adieu and leave, just like my real dad.

Maybe not having a dad messed me up, but damn do I have a special place in my heart for the original Columbo.