One friend. Online. They're also autistic and in the same sort of way I am. I think that helps us through some stuff that would be awkward otherwise. A weird silence? It doesn't last long cos we know we're both awkward so one of us will be brave and mention it knowing that the other isn't going to judge them. And we can say things like we're having an especially autistic few days so the other isn't reading into blunt or sparse messages. We also don't have to plan socialising cos we're inside each others pocket.

I did have some other people I considered friends recently but shit happened and I realised that wasn't dangood environment for me to be in any more. I honestly still don't really get why that went how it did. It's something that worries me a bit sometimes. I never really know why people have stopped being my friends. Or I do know bit I don't know how it got there or what could be been done differently. If it was me or them or both.

Through my life I've had a pattern for friends kinda happening to me, me having a small group of friends for a while and then not. Tends to be quite a while in between. Kinda depends on me being in another situation where friends happen. Like it would be starting a new level of schooling. I would really like to have some friends or people I'm friendly with who stay like that. I'm an adult. I'm settled in a place. I don't want to have that same awkward teenage stuff. But I don't know if it was awkward teenage stuff or if it was awkward me stuff.

I guess at least I'm aware of it now and also accepting of who I am. Through this friendship I do have I'm learning to be open and honest and not try to navigate any of that unspoken bs that I don't understand. If people like me and who I am they shouldn't mind me being open about stuff. I'm not a bad person so being honest and just laying out my thoughts instead of trying to translate them into neurotypical socialising should be fine. ... I hope.

I'm hoping to start branching out more at some point to make new friends in real life. Or at least people I'm friendly with and can socialise with.

I'm looking to join or start some sort of hobby sharing club locally. I figure there are a lot of people out there like me who wants to socialise but need an excuse and a place to break the ice. So my plan is basically to set up the most vague club possible that gives people that excuse and also gives a topic to break the ice (showing other people your hobby). People can just come do their hobby near other people who are doing their hobby. I think a lot of people don't really need friends. They just need some people they can be friendly with. So we'd all be pretty much on the same page with it being an excuse to do some socialising and there not being a pressure to build a friendship that stands by itself.

I'm trying to embody "be the change you want to see". But I'm also procrastinating like crazy until I feel like it's a good time. I'm scared about the consistency of it. Needing to snow up somewhere weekly. And the awkwardness if nobody shows up. So I'm waiting until I can drag my partner along 😂