Why is it that I’m never allowed to focus on my own problems instead of worrying about loved ones?
Posted by CliffGif@reddit | GenX | View on Reddit | 193 comments
Yep it’s a vent. My wife is stressed out at work worried she’s going to lose her job. My son has a sports gambling problem and has moved back home and I keep paying off his debts. My daughter just graduated from college and can’t find a job. My sister just told me she has cancer. My mother in law is dying but not fast enough not to be a huge burden on my wife taking care of her.
Does that magic moment ever come together when it’s just me that’s fucked and I can compartmentalize and the rest of the world is cool so I can focus on myself?
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
Qyphosis@reddit
Cheat code: Have no loved ones. Except a dog.
merlyndavis@reddit
Until the dog passes. Ask me how I know. It’s been a year and a half, and I still miss my dog.
DilbertDilbert1011@reddit
Having my 12 year old Labrador put down later this week and I feel absolutely devastated already. Every time I look at her it’s like a gut punch and I have to tell the kids yet. No idea how to tell them.
OkOpportunity9626@reddit
Oh, so very sorry to hear! That will be very hard! One moment at a time is about the best one can do in these circumstances. 🙏💜☮️
DilbertDilbert1011@reddit
Thank you. It’s done and I wish I could factory reset my soul, but she had the very best life possible.
BringBackHUAC@reddit
That didn't work out too great for some John Wick dude.
Sufficient_Space8484@reddit
OP, my son with the sports gambling too. What a mess. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that as well.
takisara@reddit
Internet made this all too easy for people to gamble imo.
OkOpportunity9626@reddit
So so true! My dad, unfortunately, was a gambler, addicted to the horses! Cant imagine there nightmare if the internet was around when he was alive!
Sufficient_Space8484@reddit
“If people wanted to gamble, they were going to find a way to do it”. Yeah, if they wanted to live at a casino. When you drop it into the palm of everyone’s hands, wtf did they think was going to happen? Exactly what they got…….
alvb@reddit
I hear this so loud and clear it is scary. My husband and I have both spent the better part of our adult lives caring for family members. About a year and a half ago a family member that required a lot of care from us passed away. We were incredibly sad, but the last few months of her life were especially painful and we knew she was at peace. It also gave us back some time to finally begin to address our own health that we had ignored far too long.
Just like whack-a-mole, a cousin popped up, said he was sick and started begging for money. After hearing his bs my entire life (he has been a full-on liar his entire life) and I finally said no. Of course another cousin contacted me and started pushing asking how I could not help him, etc. I said it ends now. Everyone is on notice. God helps those who help themselves. This one particular cousin has been a f-up his entire life and my husband and I are done.
It was the completely opposite of anything I have ever said or done. And yes, I felt incredibly guilty, but it was far past the time I should've put my foot down.
Remember "No" is a complete sentence.
OkOpportunity9626@reddit
Good for you ! Your turn, & no apologies! You’ve done your job/ duty. It’s your turn now!
SomethingClever70@reddit
Good for you! Say no more often , and eventually it will feel great.
alvb@reddit
Thank you! It was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done. My husband and I have never really said no to anyone in our family, but I had my fill.
Dxbr72@reddit
Good on you. Being taken advantage of by family who refuse to be responsible is rough.
On a side note, “God helps those who help themselves” was one of my grandmothers favorite sayings. She lived through Spanish flu, WWI, the depression and WW2. She always expected us to make an effort.
OkOpportunity9626@reddit
Oh, wow, G-d bless you! You certainly have your hands full, & share of woe! From what you described, it must be hard to take a personal deep breath even in the shower! Families can bring a lot of blessings, but yeah, sometimes, they can bring stress & heartache! But, yes, you are entitled to protect & take care of yourself too! That is quite reasonable! After all, if you’re not healthy, how can you be any “ help” to anyone else? You should carve out some time, virtually everyday, just for you. Go ahead- take some “ me” time!!! Whether it’s taking an hour before you start your day, or after work but before home- take a walk, go to the gym, watch the sunset, take a nap in your car, etc…yes! You do deserve to be good to yourself w/o guilt! Because then ( if you want/choose) you can be better for your family when needed. Now, honestly, tho you may love your son, part of that has to be “ tough love”, not being his enabler! He had to take his lumps!! Stop enabling him!!!!Your daughter, she’s grown. Yes, jobs/economy sucks, but she’s gotta work at smthg, to contribute, while seeking her desired job! Again, she’s grown!! Even if she works at Macys or whatever, until…She’s grown, expect her to hold her own! Meanwhile, they both should be contributing to household chores- laundry, cooking, shopping, whatever….! I’m truly sorry for your family members enduring health issues; that’s another topic. BUT- yes, it is okay for you to take time for yourself!! You owe it to yourself, first, & your family will ultimately benefit from you if you’re a whole healthy man!! And- if you need add’l support from a professional, that’s what they’re for! Go for it !! Good luck w/everything, including your beloved dog! ☮️🙏💜
Mysterious_Elk_8972@reddit
Wow. That's a lot and I'm sorry you're going through all that. Not to pile on but, no the world will never be cool again in our lifetime and your magic moment is still a long way off and may not come until you're on your death bed. I'm a realist, not a pessimist, and I hope I'm wrong.
Is your wife worried about her job cuz she's missing a lot of work due to taking care of her mom or is it cut backs? If it's the first she may be better off going on FMLA. She then would be able to care for her mom and help your sister with any appointments or needs due to her recent diagnosis. If your MIL needs long term full care, she needs to be in a facility.
Your son's issues, that's on you, you're enabling him. Don't pay another cent for his bills and tell him if he gambles again he's immediately out. If his debts are large he can file bankruptcy. If he's not working make him get a job, if he is, take his entire paycheck as rent and give him only enough money to survive. Give him a time frame, 6-12 mos, to get his shit together and then kick him out. If you want, and can afford it, you can give him back his rent money when he moves out.
Your daughter just graduated, so as long as she's actively looking for a career, and working somewhere in the meantime, she kinda gets a small pass. That said, she should definitely be helping with her grandmother, and aunt if needed, if she's living in your house. These are just basic ground rules and if your kids don't like them, they can leave at any time.
I love dogs, a lot of times more than humans, so when it no longer is enjoying life, you do the right thing and put it down. I wish we were allowed to have the same compassion for humans as we do for animals.
Know that 95% of everything I just spoke about I have personally and sadly lived through or am currently living through, so I know none of it is easy. Thank God I'm gen X and was raised right by parents whose mantra was, "life isn't fair and nobody ever told you it was going to be." We were raised to be strong and that's why we're still surviving, so do the loving thing, and teach your kids the same way. As my mom would say, "the greatest love she ever gave us was tough love, even though it broke her heart." Good luck and stay strong!
pomegranitesilver996@reddit
IMO You need to take control of things. Who says you're not allowed? Speak up
NoOneKnowsMeAnywhere@reddit
My heart broke for you and the burden you are carrying.
Then your edit sent me into giggles.
This is the Gen X way. Thank you very much and have a good summer.
P.S. yes I’m high, but don’t tell mom!
BizzyQueenBee@reddit
You said it perfectly. (I’m high too, because that’s the Gen X way! 🤣)
Plenty_Cress_1359@reddit
Puff puff give, my friend!
NoOneKnowsMeAnywhere@reddit
I’m happy to share, but I have a sweet tooth. If you’re not allergic to peanuts, you can have one of my chocolate covered peanut butter ball.
RizzmwitTheTism@reddit
The magic moment comes when you stop being codependent and set some boundaries
Confident_Low_4554@reddit
Therapy my gen-x brother. It’s the only way you’re gonna be able to unpack it all. I started about a year ago and don’t know why I waited so long. Good luck, you got this.
Nice-Track4271@reddit
Therapy has done wonders for me. I still sometimes struggle to put my needs first, but they at least get on the list! Learning that others' problems weren't mine to solve was a big one.
LollipopGirl923@reddit
Came here to say this.
stickybond009@reddit
That's the farce of sansara, but guy get to discover yourself and learn lessons from it they say
GenerationX-cat@reddit
You might be codependent?
bravebobsaget@reddit
You're a man/father; people don't give a shit about your problems.
Valuable-Aside-9363@reddit
Neither should he.It works for me.
Valuable-Aside-9363@reddit
Welcome to being a man. Luckily I am dead inside so none of this affects me.
Senior-Cantaloupe-69@reddit
I recommend you read the book “The Let Them Theory” by Mel Robbins. Therapy may also help.
But, to answer the question, no- you won’t get to focus on your problems if you keep taking care of everyone else. You have become everyone’s savior. You have to extricate yourself from that and focus on yourself. None of your dependents will do this on their own. You have to make them. You have the power but have to take it and be willing to set and hold boundaries. And, above all, kick your son out and stop supporting his addiction. He has to hit rock bottom
nonotburton@reddit
Jobless people have a 40 hour per week job called finding a job. The job you can get may not be the job you want, but it's a job you have, while you look for the job you want. All to often I hear about young folks expecting salaries and job titles they haven't earned, and would likely get fired from if they landed, or thinking large city salaries are the same as in smaller towns.
nonotburton@reddit
Nothing in your response. I think I accidently responded to you when I meant to respond to a neighboring post.
Senior-Cantaloupe-69@reddit
What does this have to do with anything?
2dznotherdirtylovers@reddit
I wouldn’t kick him out but take control of most of his money and, of course, do not pay any debts with your money.
WhitneyFebreeze@reddit
Maybe they actually can deal with their own problems, but are choosing not to… they don’t feel like it, it’s too hard, it’s impossible, etc. Many a person who was dependent on someone for years can suddenly find their own solutions if forced to. They may not be amazing solutions at first, but if they never start they can never learn to come up with solutions of their own, to try them out, and to improve on them.
You are clearly being helpful, which is amazing. But you could also be enabling them to continue doing life the same way rather than growing.
The magic moment happens when you decide that it’s enough and you decide to put other people’s problems on the back burner.
You may not think you can do this, but you can. Life will reorganize itself around your choices. Trust me I’ve been there, it’s hard but this does work.
Maleficent_Can4976@reddit
This is why I’m single and childfree.
I also got lucky because my Silent gen dad continues to live independently and did me the favor of making his care and eventual passing as simple as one could wish.
cupofblackhorsesoup@reddit
Not single, but no children and more thankful we made that decision every day.
obxtalldude@reddit
Yes, this sucks.
But, not sure how to say this, but you don't really want to get to the point where you are forced to focus on yourself.
I went through the stuff. Older sister heart attack, two parents died from brain disease 5 years apart, and I had to do everything for Mom with her glioblastoma.
I felt ok for a bit after she passed, then all the stress hit me after the pandemic - my guts stopped working, and I started losing weight for no reason.
It took a year to figure out my body just could no longer handle stress. It's been a difficult adjustment for everyone who relied on me, both at work and at home.
Not sure where I'm going here, but I hope you do get some rest, and time to think about nothing.
This shit builds up.
I should have started therapy FAR earlier FWIW - that would have taken the pressure down a bit. Two hours a month has made a huge difference. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a great tool.
CliffGif@reddit (OP)
I hear you. My biggest stress is I have this network of people relying on me who don’t understand what will happen to them if I lose my job or my health. It’s all ok for now but what if?
cupofblackhorsesoup@reddit
If you were to disappear tomorrow, they would absolutely figure it out. Perhaps not in the best way, but they would manage. You gotta set some boundaries.
DomitorGrey@reddit
This won't solve your issues, but it helped me come to grips with similar responsibilities -- YOU are the rock in your family. They naturally lean on you when they need your help. You are instinctively their safe person. You have worked all your life to be resilient and dependable, and it's obvious; not to me -- to those who love you.
This is glory; you are being honored. You have earned trust -- no-one has told you, but you are their hero; this is what it looks like.
Great job; keep leaning in. You got this.
CincyLog@reddit
I hear you brother.
Everyone else has their own problems. Do mine ever get addressed? Not really.
"I'm fine."
I usually deal with my shit in a much more efficient and timely manner than others I'm helping.
thatsplatgal@reddit
I’m so sorry.
lilred7879@reddit
Amen
zinga_zing_@reddit
Perhaps you have your shit together.
mediweevil@reddit
one of my increasingly frequent complaints in life is why other people can't demonstrate some sort of basic self sufficiency.
we all have problems, the difference is that some people deal with and solve their own issue, and some people inflict them on others. I'm just tired of being the support mechanism, be it emotional, physical or financial.
mediweevil@reddit
I feel your pain. I'm increasingly sick of people around me having problems that I'm somehow expected to solve.
pianoplayerforhire@reddit
My brother. I feel this too. I had to take care of everyone in my family, only to be resented by siblings who didn't like what they got out of the will, from my dead parents. I repeat, they were more upset over the will than my dead parents. I think there was something about our generation who just tried to make things go good. Didn't work out for my family.
pianoplayerforhire@reddit
And worse...my gf couldn't believe I had no dreams of my future. My ex-wife took any dreams that I ever had. Life is full of poor decisions. I can't complain. I got full custody of my daughter when she was 8 and my ex-wife ruined me financially. Her promise kept. I won't apologize. I took care of my daughter and she is a successful young woman. Her mom on the other hand died from drugs and alcohol my daughters senior year in high school. Eh... dreams. At least my kid is doing good. That's all I care about.
GboyFlex@reddit
We're the "get it done with the least amount of noise and drama" people who get dumped on constantly. We might seem like saviors but our internal scaffolding is buckling. I'm learning to say no, to family and problems not of my making. My heart can't take anymore stress. Try to find quiet time for yourself, you deserve it.
CliffGif@reddit (OP)
The nuclear option is “If you need help don’t tell me about it”
GboyFlex@reddit
I'm really close to that, ugh.
Conscious-Mulberry17@reddit
Fucking hell. I feel this. I was just thinking about how I’ve worked nonstop since I was 16 years old, and the goddamn wheels flew off the wagon this year: The very year I promised myself I’d slow down and think about what I wanted to do.
Nope. Fuck that, fuck me. Wife is unemployed, a parent in-law has cancer, my sister has cancer, and my boss is having problems that are slowly but surely becoming my problems. The reward for work is more work. If I’m lucky enough to keep my job.
I panic when I think about how old I am and how little time I have left to try to enjoy life, yet sometimes I wish it was over already. I guess it will be soon enough.
Electronic_Rain_4270@reddit
Welcome to the sandwich generation.......GenX.
iamamomandproud@reddit
This is me, I am the emotional support animal of the family. It’s exhausting and I have to have 15 minute pitty parties for myself in private, usually the bathroom. I always ask myself if this is a product of our raising environment. I have the typical boomer parents who always and I mean always shared to much with me, when I was a child, and put me in a position to carry their burdens emotionally when I was young. I’m 53 now and it just feels like my only existence is as the “fixer”. But I just power through and keep a smile on my face and laughter in my voice for all those around me. Hopefully it doesn’t all catch up with me and I can continue on as I alway have. Being there for those I love the most. But yes it is totally exhausting. Stay strong, I feel we are a tough generation as a whole.
CliffGif@reddit (OP)
My only existence is as the fixer
Enough-Basil1038@reddit
It’s the same in my life. I’m supposed to constantly do things for everyone else in my life - and if I ever need some help, even just a break, I’m treated like I’m an inconsiderate jerk. A few weeks ago, I was so exhausted on a Saturday after weeks of pushing myself past my limit to do things for other people. My gf and mom wanted to come over to hang out that night, and a struggled to say no, but I felt physically unwell. I finally thought I needed to put myself first to take a break or I couldn’t keep going so I texted them midafternoon that I needed to take the night off. My mom came over (to drop off all her tax paperwork for me to do the next day), and yelled at me for an hour for being inconsiderate. Similarly, my gf was pissed, and broke up with me a few days later.
The other variation on this theme in my life: any shortcoming in myself, everyone expects me to fix, but I should accept everyone else the way they were.
cooper3675@reddit
Man I don’t want to say brother
LVMom@reddit
There is a reason we’re called the sandwich generation
CliffGif@reddit (OP)
I never heard that term till I made this post lol but I like it
Regular_or_BQ@reddit
From one emotional sherpa to another, you is tired, you is done listening, you need a full tank of gas and an open road.
Proud_Possibility256@reddit
If you pass from a heartattack tomorrow (very likely, with the stress load you are carrying), I guess, they all will find a way to take care of themselves. It's all in your head that they can't do it.
t65789@reddit
No. There’s always something. Always.
Regular_or_BQ@reddit
That's what my cousin Carlos Santana Rosanadana used to say.
DonnyDiddledIvanka@reddit
I don't know if it's how we GenXer's were raised or where we are in life but I feel like many/most of us are in this exact same position right now.
tandem_kayak@reddit
It's that stage where generations above and below you need help.
Just-The-Facts-411@reddit
Sandwich generation we're called.
CliffGif@reddit (OP)
I never heard that it’s so true
cdlauro@reddit
People are living longer and independent adulthood takes much longer to achieve. I’m honestly looking forward to kids back home if they need it.
b-lincoln@reddit
Welcome to the sandwich phase of life. Lots of bittersweet moments.
CliffGif@reddit (OP)
Truth to this. It doesn’t suck to have my kids living in my house I love them.
ShartlesAndJames@reddit
you need a good massage. well, you really need a vacation, but that might be too much right now. sending a hug, hope things slow down for you soon.
Far-Sun-4128@reddit
No. Not in my experience.
Positive_Ad_1751@reddit
I had this exact conversation with someone earlier today. Kinda tired of all the other shit going on and would like for once to be able to take care of myself, have no one else to worry about and enjoy what little life I have left.
bluestaples@reddit
I recently started seeing a therapist for very similar reasons. If you are not already, I suggest taking a moment to look into something similar.
botany_bae@reddit
Does it help?
bluestaples@reddit
It's only been a couple months at this point, but I already have a few new tools in my toolbox that I'm able to use when needed. It's a positive trend that I expect to continue. So... yes, for me it does.
Kkittums@reddit
It’s called having your own family and it’s not easy
DilbertDilbert1011@reddit
Same dude. You are not alone in this struggle and I hope that is at least a bit comforting. You’re doing great. I promise we all have days when we hit a wall. I am reading this while eating a slice of pie in an empty parking lot while hiding in my car for a fucking break from my spouse, ex spouse, my son’s step mom, my teenagers, their coaches, their teachers, my sister, my mom, my boss, etc. I had a fucking day at work and have been exhausted since I woke up at 4am like every other day for the past 25 years. I seriously need a vacation and this 30 minutes before the kids’ sports bus returns is all I am going to get. I’ve made millions but I’ll be damned if I have anything to show for it except gray hair, wrinkles, and probably a strong risk of a stroke or heart attack. Sending you appreciation for all you do and although it fucking sucks, this too shall pass. On my worst days I just shrug and think well in 20 years I will likely be gone and all this will be forgotten and/or someone else’s problem. It ain’t easy.
More_Law6245@reddit
Welcome to life and I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling the pressures of the world but a thought, some of the problems that you have listed are not your problems to deal, it's just up to you not place yourself under so much pressure by taking on other people's responsibilities and in particularly with your kids. It's your choice at the end of the day
MuricanPoxyCliff@reddit
Because that's life? The Boomers made and rode their own economic wave. Retirement at 40, what a fukken lie.
Life for most people in the world is exactly what we are experiencing: life is a struggle, family is hard.
You accept it and you do your best to be a good human, because you want to. Or you don't.
Sad-Macaroon9067@reddit
Hang in there.
(And stop paying your son's debts. Help him get in rehab. Give him a place to live. Don't enable him )
SomethingClever70@reddit
Having your kids back under your roof is one thing. Paying their debts is something else.
I would make the son pay off his own gambling debts- he’s already saving money by not paying rent. You think you’re helping him now, but you’re actually enabling him. Housing is fine, but anything else is too much.
Having_A_Day@reddit
This. If any of our children (or grandkids if we live long enough) need a roof over their heads, it's there.
But anything beyond basic food and housing is theirs to figure out. I'm always available for advice and emotional support, but not to enable.
cdlauro@reddit
It is sort of unique because people are living so much longer and independent adulthood takes so much longer to achieve for our children.
Business_Coyote_5496@reddit
DUDE I feel this so much. You are not alone
ancientastronaut2@reddit
Are you me?! I have the same damn problem.
I have health issues of my own, but I never complain and push through the best I can every day.
My youngest adult kid has chronic health issues and I'm always either driving her to appointments or picking up her meds, and she ends up in the ER about 5-6 times per year.
My husband now has health issues, but is also a bit of a hypochondriac and thinks he's dying all the time, plus he always has work drama and thinks he's gonna get let go any minute.
My oldest is a recovering addict and also graduated last year and can't find a job, although she's working at a restaurant.
Plus I have two large dogs I take care of and walk twice a day. (And before I had them, I had several aging pets with health issues I was caring for, who have since passed.)
My parents have both passed away, but I visited them regularly and helped the best I could when they were still here. My last remaining sibling died of cancer two years ago.
My youngest is the most empathetic, but my oldest and my husband conveniently forget I have health issues and think I'm wonder woman. I guess because I don't complain or talk about it that much.
All I can do is carve out dedicated self-isolation time for myself whenever possible. Usually it's after work for a bit before my husband gets off, and weekend mornings when I shut myself in my room and read.
It kinda hurts my feelings because I am always running to appointments and nobody ever gives a shit enough to even ask how it went.
You're right, there's supposed to be some magical golden years moment when the kids are raised but you're still young en to enjoy life, but I think I got screwed out of mine.
Melodic-Comb9076@reddit
dude…you’re a stud for getting through.
try to hang in there.
Emotional_Mess261@reddit
Pretty sure that’s true for sooo many of us. It’s like we enter a sad warp of reality. We started this when we were latch keying and it hasn’t stopped. we have children struggling in this economy, aging parents, exhaustion from 30-40 years of being tied to our jobs. I think we created multitasking and forgot ourselves in the process.
My two lifelong besties and I retired three years ago, state jobs able to go at 55. My one girls mom was diagnosed with lung cancer. That’s been her focus. My second girl‘s mother was living with her with dementia and became increasingly violent and agitated, and my girl ended up needing surgery from an injury. It took too long to get her into a nursing facility. My father ended up in the hospital a few months after I retired never made it home. I’m his healthcare agent, so it was a lot of balancing and working to get him the proper care and in the right facility he died two years ago, and now my millennials can’t make ends meet, and I get those phone calls of frustration and sobs because they can’t replace tires on their car. Everyone is so busy taking care of everybody else that we really don’t see each other too much and that was not our retirement plan.
Elektrik_Magnetix@reddit
Solutions:
Son - Stop paying his debts, he'll just drain you dry. Tell him he has to seek help.
Daughter - Keep looking/applying. First job is always tough, never give up.
Wife - Pretend she already lost her job, find something better/more secure.
Sister - Cancer sucks, you can't cure it. Be compassionate and supportive.
MIL - Try to take some workload off the wife if you can.
YOU - Never neglect yourself for others. Give what you can and that's all you can do.
I remember my Grandmother at 85 years old complaining how all her friends were dying off. It may get better but usually gets worse. How do I cope? I remind myself every day that there are others who have it much worse than I do and to focus on the positive things in life... Even if it's just appreciating the fact I have running water that I can drink & take showers.
A_friend_called_Five@reddit
I see you have a lot of upvotes, so I am prepared to get downvoted, but IMHO you sound like a boomer. I say this because your response sounds like something my mom would have typed out: pithy "solutions" to the OP's problems while ignoring the stress, anxiety, and feelings of the OP. Plus, comparing your situation to others who have it worse to feel better about yourself. Your "solutions" are really just your advice which may or may not work as you know nothing about the nuances, intricacies, and details of the OP's situation. Sometimes, folks just need a listening ear to vent to, or to just know others are out there who understand because maybe they have gone through similar things, or are currently in similar situations.
Elektrik_Magnetix@reddit
It's a rant post, he's not asking for advice. You sound like my Dad. BOOMER
A_friend_called_Five@reddit
You're a joy! If you realize he is not asking for advice, wtf did you offer any to him? Your "solutions" are basically advice.
Elektrik_Magnetix@reddit
Read between the lines.. He asked if life gets better at some point when we get old and I answered no. He didn't need to tell us all his problems and I didn't need to give him advice.
Also you didn't need to say anything in the first place.
Aggressive_Corgi4216@reddit
Yep, I hear you! My husband and I are about to retire and so ready for a change. I’d love to move out of the area as I have e lived in my area for 38 years and always a mile away from family. My dad passed in 2020 and now my mom is 80. My son graduated and has a job but lives at home as costs are astronomical. He’s upset he is not getting the IT job he prepped for. My second son is graduating next year also in IT! I feel myself getting resentful. I hate feeling guilty for wanting my freedom and own experiences with my husband.
stevemm70@reddit
My wife and I will be ready to retire and move to another area in 10 years BUT we are each responsible for our aging mothers. My mother is 85 and my MIL is 86. We're not wishing for anything, but it's very possible that at least one of them will be alive in 10 years We may have to delay our move because of that, and I can tell you that resentment will be hard to avoid.
Pinknailzz69@reddit
If you pay his debts they’re yours.
hbgbees@reddit
Yeah, this is called life. You need to decide what you’re willing to do, set some boundaries, and then communicate them. It’s work, but worth it to reclaim a piece of yourself.
TripMaster478@reddit
I'd like to say something other than shrug but I don't know. I still remember telling my wife about some work stressed and possible downsizing about 20 years ago and she freaked out to such a degree I haven't said anything about anything since.
frank11979@reddit
This
shakespeareanon@reddit
I feel for your wife.
Upset_Code1347@reddit
I feel you!
You might want to check out r/codependency for support
Take care!
Bardamu911@reddit
this is an actual thought that you have in your head?
Just-The-Facts-411@reddit
IKR. lol, not only is it an actual thought that he has in his head but he posted it. Like, keep that inside dude.
someguythatiknow@reddit
Genuinely don’t see a problem with what he said
Sufficient_Stop8381@reddit
Me neither, I understand it completely
Bardamu911@reddit
hahahaha it says so much about this sub that some dude can make a post complaining about being expected to show up and be supportive for his immediate family and all the responses are like wow yeah Gen X has it so rough.
ennuibutterfly@reddit
You left off the rest of the sentence: "on my wife taking care of her". His concern is for his wife, not that his MIL isn't kicking off fast enough.
demona2002@reddit
After a lifetime of jumping in to help and rescue, I have finally learned to put on my own oxygen mask first. I can provide empathy but everyone else needs to figure out how to manage their problems. It’s really liberating.
merlyndavis@reddit
It’s a guy thing unfortunately. We’re supposed to just suck it up and be the support for everyone.
I have yet to find this magical space where I can get some support myself. (And yes, I’ve tried therapy, multiple times)
Not to mention GenX “didn’t have feelings”, so it just compounds the problems.
I hear you, and I see what you’re going through, man. I’m sorry all that’s happening to you.
Adorable-Radish577@reddit
It is not a guy thing. Women have been expected to put everyone else ahead of themselves for milennia. Can we just agree that both men and women have these expectations placed on us and our generation gets a shit sandwich of taking care of everyone and ourselves more often than not?
Littlepoet74@reddit
Isn’t just a guy thing!
shreddit5150@reddit
Seriously. I mean, his wife is likely to be feeling a similar amount of stress and burden.
Bardamu911@reddit
some dude can make a post complaining about being expected to show up and be supportive for his immediate family and all the responses are like wow yeah Gen X has it so rough the unseen generation amirite blah blah blah
Messytessy80@reddit
Breath, go for walks alone, have coffee at a park alone, breath.
DaBeachBabe@reddit
Touch grass
srgh207@reddit
The mountain of other people's problems on my plate would bother me less if any of the people I support acknowledged that I'm the go-to guy and the glue that holds everything together.
Tekira85@reddit
Exactly this. The fixer for everyone but no thanks.
Sallydog24@reddit
yes that day will come, you may have to walk through the fire first but it will come
jollydollydoll@reddit
Following for answer
WitchSparkles@reddit
You are allowed to focus on your own problems and take time for yourself. You’re choosing not to. Therapy would help you unpack why, and help you to set boundaries.
My husband is a people pleaser, and really struggles with this. He’s in therapy to help him with this. Wow, do people ever get mad when he says no now! But he’s starting to see that it’s possible and feels relieved.
Naive_Lengthiness882@reddit
ouch. Sorry mate, I got nothing more to offer.
PerceptionOk3196@reddit
I felt the same way. I started seeing a life coach and it’s been life changing.
anonymouswesternguy@reddit
Me, you and most of us GenX
hiartt@reddit
Yup. This. Sandwich age. You go from people taking care of you to more and more people depending on you. Until you get to the point where people are taking care of you again.
TheVioletEmpire@reddit
No. Use meditation, prayer, whatever. Take a moment to yourself. Sometimes you just need to be there for you. It helps.
Unspicy_Tuna@reddit
Stop paying off your son's debts, to start
caryn1477@reddit
This. You're just enabling him. He knows you will always bail him out so he has no reason to stop doing what he's doing.
Ok-Coat-9274@reddit
Venting is good. So is too loud punk music, taking time for your interests and very good friends. ❤️
CSFCDude@reddit
Hey! Going through the same thing. I think my new mantra is from the USMC (even though I’m a AF vet). Embrace the suck…. What was that motto from the 80’s? Life’s a bitch and the you die…. Anyhow, just go with it my dude…. It is what it is…..
Suspicious_Story_464@reddit
Feeling this with you. It's always all at once.
groundhogcow@reddit
Yep all the suck.
I realized a few years ago that the thing keeping me from being happy is all the miserable people around me who can't deal with there own shit.
They are lucky I love them or I would throw them to the curb.
They will not be there for me when I need someone.
Chiben369@reddit
Unfortunately I learned this the hard way but as long as you keep taking care of them they won't learn take care of themselves. Some say tough love but I see it as actions have consequences, some good, some bad and some people have to learn the hard way (that includes me).
UpURKiltboyo@reddit
Oh bother! I know where you're coming from. We are at the bottom of the drain and it seems that all the crap funnels towards us, while we try and keep from getting sucked down too. Courage is all i can offer mate.
TobyDaMan8894@reddit
I was in a similar position. Little by little I started to pull away. No big major shifts just small shifts here and there. Until they started to realize I am not going to be an enabler anymore. Take care of you first. It’s ok to say no and you don’t have to explain yourself. I’m learning to say no, and it feels good.
Good luck on everything and I will be praying for you and your family.
thinkthinkthink11@reddit
Don’t want to sound woo woo but this is actually what karma means. People interpret karma as what goes around comes around, but actually karma is bondages you have with people or things you can’t escape from. This is also why the higher level of spirituality someone gets the less and less bondage they have with people (single,childless,wanderer,monks,hermits) without experiencing feeling of “loneliness” despite their aloneness.
Sorry this happens to you, but majority of people pretty much going through the same motions, universe put us in such situations in order to clear up and work out their karmas.
In the next reincarnation hopefully you’ll be freer and more autonomous.
CrispityCraspits@reddit
If anyone is "never allowing" you to do this, it's you. It's fine to vent online and all, but that's the bottom line. You can live the rest of your life fixing other people's problems, and in the end you may feel it was worth it because they're family. But they are not suddenly going to stop putting their problems on you, especially if you never ask them not to.
Acrobatic-Message840@reddit
Speaking as the wife in this scenario - Damn, your poor wife is going through a lot. I highly recommend counseling because she's not really in a place to handle your "what about my needs" shit too.
lavenderenergy1@reddit
It is absolutely necessary and allowed for both partners to be emotional, need to vent etc, so don’t worry this post doesn’t negate her needs, or place any extra burden on her.
ifeelnumb@reddit
It always comes all at once, doesn't it. Take a day off. Seriously. It makes a world of difference and one day isn't going to change what's happening around you. Even if you just take the night off it will help. And then tell your wife to do the same so you both have a minute to mentally regroup. Just plan a mental day off every month. Do it during the weekend and then take one thing at a time the next day.
Planet4@reddit
Venting is absolutely legitimate and I'm here for it. There's no shame in having those feels. Especially since you are pretty clearly acting with compassion and support to those around you.
I know that feeling of being the rock in a sea of other people's troubles. Feeling responsible for everyone else's emotions and trying to soothe and support while ignoring my building resentment that I don't get a turn.
Therapy is my go to when it gets bad. I visit my guy and he listens to me without interruption or judgement (so I can say things like "it would be easier if my parents had died earlier"). And I'm paying him so I don't need to give a shit about his problems. It's entirely "me time."
Plus he often has insights that help me between sessions.
Not all therapists are created equal, it took a few tries for me. And I go weekly for a few months, dig through my latest tumult, and then dial back again. Ymmv.
Anyway... you're not wrong, bad, or selfish to have those feelings. You should focus on your problems as well as help those you love. It's just tricky and fucking frustrating to try and find the balance.
Mamagogo3@reddit
They didn’t nickname us the Sandwich Generation for nothing, friend. Vent all the hell you want. We all need a little relief valve so we don’t take that frustration out on those we care about. Plenty of us here can relate. I hope things turn around soon, especially for your sister.
tanhauser_gates_@reddit
Boundaries dude.
Put your son out on his own. You can solve that one at least.
kittycat_34@reddit
Don't you dare pay off his debts....that's his burden and he won't learn a damn thing!! Tough love is the way to go....
zoombie_apocalypse@reddit
Isn’t your wife in the same situation though?
alwaystenminutes@reddit
Actually, she's in a slightly worse state because it's her mother who is dying...
But I understand op needing to vent. We all have moments of despair and need to let it out.
EfficientSociety73@reddit
I’m with you. My folks are elderly and I moved away recently after being around and helping out the majority of my life. Now that others are having to step up, it’s become why isn’t Efficient Society here? They did so much for her. Maybe you can get them to do x, y, z. Why is it MY job when they have other kids who can do it?? Why does my life get out on hold, again. Why are my responsibilities not considered when I’m told I should just fly home to visit because it would make them happy. It would make them happy if I brought my kids. Who are still in school. And who’s fronting the $$$ for flights? And a car! Ok. My vent is done now too. I feel you OP. Big time.
A_friend_called_Five@reddit
I know how you feel. My mom, dad, and wife are all having major health issues right now and though I am focusing on caring for my wife, I am pulled in all three directions at once, emotionally and in terms of mental load. This is little to no comfort, I know, but you are not the only one who feels the way you do. I had intended to start therapy for myself as a new year's resolution, but all this shit happened in quick succession, and I just feel like I can't take the time now. Meanwhile, I still haven't had my annual physical yet, which I usually do in January. Also, I cancelled a dental appointment and haven't seen my dermatologist for screening in several years. I don't really know what else to say except I feel you.
Suspicious_Time7239@reddit
That's a lot and it sucks. Carve out time to decompress. You're doing great.
Bruno6368@reddit
I was in the same spot as you - and was just as self centered. Your wife certainly has more to stress about than you …… when I was in your spot - I wished hard for just a little alone time. Then my husband died, my dog died, and I lost my job - all in 12 months. I have lots of alone now.
You be damn careful what you wish for.
Twonix@reddit
The man just wanted to vent.
Alternative-Row-84@reddit
Please take time for yourself! As Gen X males I feel most of us were taught to suck it up. That doesn’t help at all. Self care is important especially if you have so much on your plate.
froggz01@reddit
Ok so, what’s wrong with you? Why do you need focus time for yourself? Vent away.
Sintered_Monkey@reddit
Yes, so I had to deal with two parents who were dying in the slowest, most horrible ways imaginable for a while. I really thought I was going to crack. Of course, I had to hold down a job at the same time. I still have PTSD from that phase of my life.
There is an end to everything. Someday this awful phase of your life will be over.
Lost__Moose@reddit
You are old school cool. The rock for the family.
The tenants of positive masculinity.... Provide security (physical, emotional, financial). Reduce the chaos for those around you. Respond, not react.
brokencappy@reddit
The rock of the family, provide security, reduce the chaos….
…is a woman’s job in my family.
Weird-Grape-5884@reddit
I hear you and can relate. Journaling, therapy, and meds have helped a TON. Try to meditate, too. It’s helped a bit too.
Finally, don’t beat yourself up. Remember, secure your mask before others.
tkkana@reddit
You take an hour every week to have your own personal nervous breakdown.
I have a chronic illness, take care of my husband, my pets, my mom, and my brother.
This is what happens with family. It's part of being in a family. It sucks, but yes take some time for you.
AbjectBeat837@reddit
Self care. Take time for it. No one offers it. You just do it.
Trolkarlen@reddit
Everyone else around you seems to be okay asking for help. You are the one who told yourself that you have to wait for everyone around you to be okay before you can take care of yourself. That day will never come. So decide now to focus on yourself first, and then give others what you have left. Otherwise, you will get burnt out and used up fast.
Odd-Knee8711@reddit
I have I different but related problems. Being the older, chill person, I’ve become the person everyone yells at… I was yelled at for texting my manager(!) during business hours by a different manager because the second manager was angry with someone else, but he wasn’t there for her to yell at so she took it out on me (she apologized later and explained that this is why she yelled at me). And I was recently heavily berated at work for using the wrong word (rampage, when I should have used tear) and yelled at because the person who was on something of a rampage (at that point) is “a good person”, but her feelings “can’t be hurt”, but I’m trying to start drama(?) but she’s been accused of being aggressive her whole life so she’s deeply wounded… And so on.
Please take good care of yourself. You are worth it.
somekindofhat@reddit
That time never comes. You have to set boundaries and demand it.
It's okay to help your people with their stuff and also help yourself.
"No." is a complete sentence. But if you're not comfortable with that, there's also;
"No, that money is already allocated elsewhere."
"Oh, sorry, I have other plans that day."
"We don't have room."
"I'm so sorry to hear that and hope for good news soon. Let's talk again soon."
I'm still a baby boundary-setter myself, but I've already got my own snore-free space for sleeping and working out, my own bank account, and any weekend free that I feel like, without guilt.
Can't pour out from an empty cup! And put on your own oxygen mask, etc, etc. These aren't suggestions, they are vital to your survival!
ayfkm123@reddit
You sound kinda … like someone I wouldn’t want to be around
phalanxausage@reddit
Back atcha!
dae_giovanni@reddit
same to you, friend.
Waffle-weave@reddit
Have some compassion. OP is going through it rn. There but for the grace of god goes any one of us
ORF1Live@reddit
I'm afraid, based on personal experience that so far it hasn't happened for me. I've got a difficult teenager having a hard time, dad had a massive stroke, my mum had just got five years all clear from a big cancer operation when that happened.
Sending solidarity ❤️
CliffGif@reddit (OP)
I’m open to group therapy lol. Thank you.
kathryn13@reddit
I second Al-Anon. It's a self directed program. Take what you like and leave the rest... But it's great for learning/setting boundaries, learning self care and emotional regulation.
JosiesYardCart@reddit
Having an adult children with addiction, I found Al-anon to be the most valuable. Take that time for yourself. It helped me to learn boundaries.
ORF1Live@reddit
You're definitely not alone dude
No-Butterscotch-6548@reddit
Big hugs...
Flight_to_nowhere_26@reddit
I am always the “rock” that people tell their gripes to. Especially at work. I actually asked to change cubicles so that people would stop bothering me for free therapy sessions. I still have a couple of stragglers but my next door cubey has my back and will interrupt with a work related question after a few mins.
My family dumps all their stuff on me but when I’m having a bad time and need to vent, they say “just find a different job if you’re so miserable”. I finally told my mom that I don’t need solutions I just need a sympathetic ear. She always is so put out to listen to anything that isn’t sprinkles and unicorns. I guess it’s just difficult to understand the struggle of a single woman, living and working in a big city when you’ve been handed everything in life on a silver platter.
I know I’m gonna get stuck as executor too. One sister has already made it abundantly clear she wants nothing to do with any of it, she just wants her cut. The other sister lives 30 mins from her while I live about 4 hrs, and she makes a lot of hints that with my current financial job, maybe that would my way to “help”. I feel selfish but nobody is gonna care when I kick it. I don’t have kids or a spouse. My sisters will split my assets and any possession that have value and then pay someone to haul the rest of my life to the dump.
Public-Air-8995@reddit
Sister! Remember you can say ‘no’ to being executor, you can wind up unpaid counselling gigs; you can seek support for yourself; you don’t have to give your sisters anything etc etc.
I’m in a similar position and have had to implement boundaries. Saying no without a reason, found some counselling support & selected charities to leave anything in my estate.
ayfkm123@reddit
Is your sister that’s 30 mins away doing the physical labor?
Get a trust and write your sisters out of the will of you don’t want them to have anything.
Ray_The_Engineer@reddit
I've been down this road; 20'ish years ago, I had a sister that was bottoming out from drug addiction, I was the sole breadwinner for a family of 4, and my dad was dying from cancer. Simultaneously I had been promoted into a position at work that was demanding, etc. You need to take care of yourself; this can have bad health outcomes for you. I remember driving around in traffic with mild chest pains from the stress. I loathe going to the doctor and didn't want to talk to a counselor about it, but I also had the advantage of being married to a professional social worker, so had a "trained ear" at home. She got me through a lot of it.
Claque-2@reddit
You need to talk to a counselor. Keep it quiet if you want but you need that sympathetic ear. You have a relative with a gambling addiction, a couple of people frightened about employment and two serious health problems and a wife who is caretaking.
Here's the thing: Those aren't your problems to solve. Indeed, as problems they are unsolvable. You can't cure old age or even some illnesses. An addiction is for the addict to face. Your daughter has to wade into the worst job market in history. Your wife will not be more secure in her job by worrying about it. What they need is your ear and a hug and maybe the truth about what you love about them. And they need it laid on pretty thick.
You need an outlet because you really really want to solve these problems and mark them as completed. But your job now is simply to keep watch and make sure everyone feels seen.
Significant_Leg_7211@reddit
I know what you mean. They call it the sandwich generation. Stuck in between young adult / teen children and elderly relatives.
swissie67@reddit
Seems like everyone around you is also coping with serious problems in life. Their lives aren't exactly rosy either, but it seems as if you're only seeing this from your own perspective.
Better to be the person supporting the person with a fatal illness than the person with the fatal illness.
ayfkm123@reddit
Yes. Perspective would be great for op to take.
darkest_irish_lass@reddit
Are son and daughter not helping with Grandma? Sounds like they have time to break out of their personal hells and offer mom a hand.
wanderlust_2x1@reddit
No. Sadly the answer is no.
Back_Alley420@reddit
It’s fucking hard brother! I am in the same boat. Sandwich gen sucks
mltrout715@reddit
It never ends
TransatlanticMadame@reddit
I'm sorry this is all happening to you. It's a phase and it won't last forever, but it's awful while you're in it.
101violations@reddit
You're part of a tribe. It is ok to ask for your tribe to prioritize you just as much as you prioritize them.
It doesn't have to be one or the other; all or nothing.
When my life was more than just me, I use to lovingly say, "Take a number" when someone's drama popped up.
Automatic-House-4011@reddit
I feel ya. Lost both parents to dementia within 18 months of each other; oldest daughter has a few health issues; haven't spoken to our son for 3 years because of...stuff; youngest also having some health issues, including the recent removal of her gall bladder and 60% of her liver. We have had a couple of wins, including a major seachange move interstate, which was probably the thing that has let us keep it together.
As others have said, you aren't alone.
rivenshire@reddit
1 Peter 5:7 (but only after Mark 1:15)
johntwoods@reddit
And let us not forget Matthew 21:17.
Senior_Ad1737@reddit
Not as long as you are a spouse, parent, sibling, child, friend, cousin, coworker, etc.
mazerbrown@reddit
I was raised a people pleaser. Somewhat reformed until about 5 years ago when my life situation stripped me of many of my future goals and desires. I often thought - Hey when I reach 40 I can relax a little. Then it was 50. Now I'll maybe have some time to only be responsible for myself around age 75 if I make it that long. One thing I've learned - you have to carve out time for yourself and then defend that time with your life if necessary. The key is life goes on with or without us so we might as well take some back for ourselves.