ULPT: If you don't want to hold someone's baby, just drop something

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PrincessCrayfish@reddit

I act excited to hold the baby, and start rambling about how I thought I'd never get a second chance, and I'm for sure not going to drop it this time. I was practicing with a bag of flour, and only dropped it two out of five times!!

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smhel_permission@reddit

That was a rollercoaster of a comment. Ha

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odiin1731@reddit

I just slick my hair back so everyone will think I'm a piece of shit.

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NatGoChickie@reddit

Ever had sloppy steaks?

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mostlycatsandquilts@reddit

You would therefore be the first person I would select to hold my baby!!

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German_Biker@reddit

Damn, that hit me just right .. a true Lol happened just now.

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smacky623@reddit

I'm afraid the baby thinks people can't change.

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JoyDVeeve@reddit

I've seen it suggested that if you're offered a child to hold you should say "no thanks, I'm full"

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Puceeffoc@reddit

In college people would often ask me "Where are you from?" And I'd tell them, then they'd ask "Where is that?" I don't pay attention to North and South so I'd just say "It's an hour and a half from here." Then someone would always ask "Which way South?" And I'd just say "I'm not really sure." And then it became a longer conversation. So to avoid that altogether I found a fun question dodger.

Person: Where is your hometown?
Me: You know where New York City is?
Person: Yeah
Me: Well it's nowhere near there

It got a quick laugh and we continued the flow of conversation. It doesn't look funny when written out like this but it's all about the tone and delivery.

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Reflexlon@reddit

I love small talk and I'm still gonna steal that joke cus its a banger.

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The-Great-T@reddit

Whenever someone compliments my name, I thank them and tell them I got it for my birthday.

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Kilanya@reddit

I usually say "Thanks, I had nothing to do with it."

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BAAT-G@reddit

Someone asked if I was a Taurus and I replied with something along the lines of "ever since I was born, yeah. I tried to change it but they wouldn't let me"

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Afraid_Baseball_3962@reddit

"You live in Canada? Do you know Bill from Toronto?"

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dilettwat@reddit

This is not my best comedic work and would also depend on good delivery, but the analogous response could be-- "You work at xyz, do you know Steve?" "Hah! Do you know who actually hired Steve?" "No?" "Yeah me neither! We work on different projects, so I haven't met him yet."

I like this sort of challenge in Practical Applied Humor and will update if I think of something better.

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Puceeffoc@reddit

I love the "Me either" jokes. Someone thinks you're about to tell them something useful and you hit them with the "Me either" or "me neither" however you're feeling in the moment.

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Karcossa@reddit

I have two jobs. A comic shop because I’m a nerd and a day job in cyber security. One of the shop regulars mentioned that his brother in law works at the same office as me, but since he knows it’s a big office he wouldn’t bother asking if I knew them because I probably don’t (he also works in another large office and knows how that conversation goes).

Anyway, turns out I sit next to his brother in law and consider him a good friend.

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mendelec@reddit

I just might be stealing that.

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Phoebebee323@reddit

"can I take this to go?"

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Ok-Koala-key@reddit

Nice. I might go with, "I couldn't possibly eat another, but thanks".

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CulturedClub@reddit

"I like kids, but i couldnt eat a whole one"

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Ok-Koala-key@reddit

"I'll go halves if you want"

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RichardBonham@reddit

Solomon?

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KayDat@reddit

You dropped this, King.

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TheGoldenLlama88@reddit

No thanks, I’m driving

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iH8MotherTeresa@reddit

Simple and effective

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New_Day_Rising@reddit

My go to is to say, “no thanks, I’m a vegetarian.”

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NexusSlick@reddit

This is like a Curb Your Enthusiasm plot

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HJD03@reddit

My favourite way to get around this is to (truthfully, but I guess you absolutely could lie about this) say that I have dyspraxia. Some people don’t know what it means and just take the ‘no’, but for the others, by the time I’ve explained the fact that I unwillingly bump into things every hour and frequently drop things that don’t even wriggle, they’re slowly backing away. If that’s not quite enough, I suggest that maybe handling a baby is the way for me to overcome my challenges, because what’s the worst that could happen?

To be clear, I’m almost certainly capable of holding a baby, and I would take particular care not to drop one. I’m simply hamming up the (somewhat increased) likelihood of me dropping it because never in my life have I wanted to hold a baby, and people often are too uncomfortable to keep arguing when you bring up a condition like that, especially if you’re not incredibly close.

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justmedownsouth@reddit

Conversely, you could just say you have a slight cold, and don't want to risk spreading it. Reddit makes everything so complicated!

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catfield@reddit

or you could just say no instead of making up a lie, reddit makes everything so complicated!

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justmedownsouth@reddit

Yes, but my lie is much easier than the first lie. Haha. You make a good point!

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Impatient_Orca@reddit

The kind of parents who are likely to force everyone to hold their child are sometimes the people who do not understand or care about how dangerous viruses are to newborns. The only time I was forced to hold a baby (like they literally put the kid on me and left and I barely had time to catch it) was my ex's brother & wife. They actively do not believe in germs being dangerous nor do they believe in mitigation practices (like sneezing into your elbow or staying home when you're sick).

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caseofgrapes@reddit

Someone was pressuring my brother to hold a baby - he said “if you give it to me, I’ll just put it in the ground”

He did not get handed the baby.

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BlaketheFlake@reddit

Hahah is your brother a Sim?

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ElInspectorDeChichis@reddit

In or on?

gif

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caseofgrapes@reddit

What a typo hahaha

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ikinari_fandango@reddit

thank you for leaving it.

made my morning!

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WizWitch42@reddit

To be fair, there is a reason you don't want to drop a baby

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Lucky_Enthusiasm_949@reddit

Please tell me you and/or he has played the Sims lol

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rotezora78@reddit

That is so good 😂—I have to remember that.

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MementoMurray@reddit

I don't understand. Is it rude to tell them no?

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sameoldsweater@reddit

I just say that I or a family member have been sick and I don't want to share germs.

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Hot_messed@reddit

Genius!! I will cough so they notice. It also works. I say “I’m sure it’s just allergies”.

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New_Day_Rising@reddit

My go to is to say, “no thanks, I’m a vegetarian.”

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birdhouse2015@reddit

Proceeds to eat a mouthful of steak.

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jmk255@reddit

I just tell people I don't want to or I don't like holding babies

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SmirkNtwerk@reddit

I’ve done this before a few times back when I had durable flip phones. Just as I saw whoever trying to pass the baby around I’d drop my phone and mutter like “shit I’m so clumsy”. I’ve had baby barf on my shoulder and down my back at a friends wedding once soooo yeah I’m okay with not needing to hold em unless it’s close family and got their mom nearby with cloths haha.

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bigdave41@reddit

When I want someone not to trust me with a baby I just dress like this

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Xanavaris@reddit

But what if the baby would make a cute goblin?

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Megmelons55@reddit

He was a wonderful babysitter, wtf lol

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deleted_by_reddit@reddit

[removed]

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AutoModerator@reddit

No remind me or update me nonsense.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

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justmedownsouth@reddit

Gran? Is that you?

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Craigglesofdoom@reddit

The bonus joke is that Bowie was almost certainly a predator IRL too

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CamelotBurns@reddit

Source on that?

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Craigglesofdoom@reddit

There are many. Most comprehensive is Lori Mattix' account.

https://www.thrillist.com/entertainment/nation/i-lost-my-virginity-to-david-bowie

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OverlappingChatter@reddit

Never in my life have I been forced to hold a baby. Just say no thanks.

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Infinite_Love_23@reddit

Neither have I, and on the other hand, looking over at my 2 year old, none of the unethical tips here would deter me from handing you my baby. Babies are quite difficult to break, if you're scared or uncomfortable holding my baby it's unlikely that you'll be careless, and its much scarier to hold someone's baby than to give your baby to someone to hold.

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OverlappingChatter@reddit

I just usually don't want to hold your baby. I would backup and wave my arms so fast that there is no way I am getting your baby in my arms. Just saying, "no thanks" is enough to end up not having a baby on me. Like I said, I have never held a baby when I didn't want to.

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LopsidedBed6918@reddit

I (f) was handed a baby last night at a dinner party. While holding the baby the mom asked me if I'm ever having my own or if I am one of those 'anti kid people'. I'm very anti-kid lol stop handing me babies!! Its definitely a woman thing to be handed babies. I hate it

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LopsidedBed6918@reddit

Another thought, at the end of the evening it was revealed that the couple with the baby are extreme flat-earthers. I never thought I would meet one in real life lol

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HeliumTankAW@reddit

Omg do we know each other? This is eerily similar to a woman I know who takes it very personally if you dont fall over yourself trying to coo and hold her baby and they are also flat earthers!

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chatminteresse@reddit

Omg, I’d buy them a copy of “Flat Stanley” as a baby gift/ troll gift

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JetPuffedDo@reddit

I say no thanks and I'm still be pressured to do it. I think it is because I'm a woman. I don't hate babies, it is just a lot of responsibility. Give em to me when they're a little older and I can stone cold stunner them

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TerryCrewsNextWife@reddit

Same experience for me. I stood semi hiding behind ALL the men in my office and they still narrowed me out specifically and forced me to hold it after I said "oh no thank you!" Just placed it in my arms ... And then it vomited on me. I was frozen didn't know what to do, they take the baby and tell me to go clean the spew off my shirt.

New parents are like those creepy men who pretend no means yes. I made multiple visual cues to show I didn't want to touch their baby, then reinforced them with multiple no thank you and oh no that's ok I'm not comfortable holding babies etc. but God forbid as a uterus owner I get to choose whether I want to hold one or not.

All I can say is that pregnant women who have strangers touching their bellies without consent? That's how violating it is to have a baby put in your arms after you say no. I know someone will tell me I'm overreacting but I said no and I'm not joking when I decline. Why do I not get that choice?

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HeliumTankAW@reddit

God a woman I know had a VERY late in life baby (shes 60) and expects EVERYONE to fawn over her kid. I've managed almost a year so far of not having to hold him but I'm running out of excuses. She damn near tosses him at people demanding their attention.

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RogueThneed@reddit

Put your hands behind your back. I'm serious. Don't even let them do that.

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carlcrossgrove@reddit

If you are a female human, people will start trying to hand their baby to you as soon as you could physically support its weight. The mommy training starts verrrry early. Heard of dolls? Yeah. That. Every female human is supposed to somehow just “be nurturing”….

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macetheface@reddit

for me at least, it's one of those phases in life. All your friends getting married so you're going to weddings seemingly every other month. Then everyone's having kids. Go to parties and there's babies and small children all over the place. May or may not be voluntold to hold a baby.

Then after that it's the funeral phase where all your friends grandparents, parents, uncles, aunts are dying. yay!

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Mossy_Rock315@reddit

a friend of the family asked if i wanted to hold their baby. I said, “no thanks.” they looked at me weird, but we moved on

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mostlycatsandquilts@reddit

Sneeze

Cough

You’re done

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SuitableExercise7096@reddit

I would say from something like a full drink or something that would catch more peoples attention so they think you're drunk or untrustworthy.

A napkin aint gunna do it but a full on party foul beer would

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ikinari_fandango@reddit

or just keep a few wrenches in your pocket, like any normal partygoer.

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sofaking_scientific@reddit

"Ew no" works really well

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Kycrio@reddit

Lol that's a funny tip, but when I was at a friend's house and her friend started trying to get all the women to hold her baby, as she approached me I just kept my hands in my pockets and looked at her like 😐 and she moved on

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blindtoe54@reddit

Ooof I bet she was offended. Some parents take it personally when you don't fawn over their baby.

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HeliumTankAW@reddit

God a woman I know had a VERY late in life baby (shes 60) and expects EVERYONE to fawn over her kid. I've managed almost a year so far of not having to hold him but I'm running out of excuses. She damn near tosses him at people demanding their attention.

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Lucky_Enthusiasm_949@reddit

I'll see if I can think of a few excuses for you lol. The trick is to perform these while pretending as though you haven't yet noticed her approaching.

Start lotioning your hands. When she has approached, complain "this lotion is so damn greasy"

Fake a sneeze or cough with some sniffles and wipe your nose loudly with a tissue. Sanitize your hands if you want but I'm sure she still doesn't want you spewing germs into her spawn!

Get some cheap drugstore sling and say that your doctor had instructed you to wear it when your shoulder is particularly bothering you.

Could do something similar with arthritic gloves

Complain of eye irritation. You ate something spicy for lunch and apparently had some on your fingers, which got into your eye. You washed your hands too, but somehow there's still residue!

Wear something highly scented. This may not work, but as a new mother she may have smell sensitivities and/or may not want the baby exposed to strong synthetic scents

Find yourself always trying to fix or clip something small with your sharp multitool

Idk that's all I got lmao

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HeliumTankAW@reddit

Hilarious thank you lol. The thing is shes seen me hold other people's babies and I'm not anti baby per se its just she refused all vaccinations including the vitamin K shot and I work as a doula with high risk patients and absolutely cannot risk giving them something or giving myself something (immunocompromised) and she just does NOT get it that her choices will mean some people cant interact with her dang baby. I always pretend to look at my phone but she makes a very irritating point every time to bump my backpack. Ive changed where I sit, where I put the bag, shes gonna find it and bump it every time.

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Lucky_Enthusiasm_949@reddit

Good lord. Well at least you do have a very real reason to not want to hold the baby. If it ever comes to a head, explaining that (again, I'm sure) it could endanger others rather than "I just really don't want to hold it" ensures that if anyone is actually upset with you that they're dumb lol

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Polizeichhoernchen@reddit

She sounds exhausting and sort of like an animal, like nudging your stuff to get your attention, what a weirdo! Also the antivaxx thing.

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HeliumTankAW@reddit

Omg thats exactly it!

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cascasrevolution@reddit

next time, say "im so glad youve changed your mind! lets go with auntie heliumtank to get our shots!"

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QuazyWabbit1@reddit

Is a tailgate party where you drive really closely behind other cars? Seems weird but ok

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cascasrevolution@reddit

yes and no! everyone goes to a parking lot and opens the trunk of their car (to reveal snacks and/or drinks) and hang out like that

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QuazyWabbit1@reddit

Oh we're missing out in europe

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glassdrops@reddit

I always say “I’m afraid I’ll drop it” bc that’s the truth and ya know most people don’t try to force it after that

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Polizeichhoernchen@reddit

In my early twenties I was apparently considered an asshole and had to be intercepted after one whole month - gasp! - of not giving a shit about a new baby (apart from polite congratulations), so they sort of ambushed me and shoved the damn baby in my hands. I should've asked to see the baby and to hold it, just because I own a uterus. Still don't understand why is it such a big deal.

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brainhack3r@reddit

"Hey. Check this thing out. It's the most expensive and valuable thing in my life. It's also insanely fragile. If anything were to happen to it my life would be destroyed. Here, hold it!"

... this is how it seems to me...

I don't want to hold your fucking baby.

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Ok-Classroom-5235@reddit

“Does it bounce?”

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oztrailrunner@reddit

I'm a bit blunt and have said "nah I'm good thanks" to a few people. Some of them move on, some ask why I don't want to hold a baby. "I just don't want to" is my answer. Wife says I could phrase it a bit better, but otherwise it works well and I'm still friends with those women, so no harm done.

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Trick-Mechanic8986@reddit

Mention human veal in casual conversation and it never gets this far...

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myadmin@reddit

Who tf is asking everyone to hold her baby? I’m suspicious if someone would even ask to hold my baby. Is this a US thing? (I’m from EU)

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MaryNxhmi@reddit

I don’t think it’s US only, all my friends are Egyptian immigrants or first gen and I’m perpetually dodging their infants.

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PitStopAtMountDoom@reddit

I assume it was more like the friend with the baby was going around saying “wanna hold him/her?) and like you don’t want to offend them by possibly not wanting to touch or hold their baby.

Especially since at least in America, women especially are generally expected to love and fawn over babies so it’s kind of like a weird awkward rejection thing to say no thanks to something like that.

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ItzKillaCroc@reddit

I like kids, but I’m not planning on having any. Honestly if you want to get deep about I over heard friends/family say “oooo if he holds the baby he will get a baby fever and want one”. When I did hold one baby I got asked immediately how I feel about it and now do I want one etc and I was like no that offended the mother even more because the reason you stated. So I just don’t hold babies to avoid the awkwardness.

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blindtoe54@reddit

I don't hold babies because I am socially awkward as is. Don't want people to judge me for not being enthusiastic enough or whatever.

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macetheface@reddit

Yeah, every mother thinks their child is superior to everything and everyone in the room. I mean i get they're extremely proud but most everyone else could give a shit. Seinfeld played on this years ago.

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DogsDucks@reddit

I have a baby currently and I still don’t really like holding other people’s babies. I don’t get a cutesy thrill from it. Some people do, and that’s fine.

I’m like “hey, if you want to hold the baby, sure, but absolutely no pressure because I have flat out awkwardly declined before and if you do it’s not awkward!”

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ItzKillaCroc@reddit

I guess it’s a U.S thing. I always say no when asked to hold a baby and usually parents get pissed off at me not wanting to hold their fuck trophy.

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gilgermesch@reddit

I'm wondering the same thing. No-one here in the EU has ever asked me to hold their baby, even those close friends and family members whose babies I securely hold all the time because they're friggin adorable.

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Capable_Victory_7807@reddit

I would love to hold a baby. I have four kids, but they are all big now.

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housevil@reddit

I don't think I've ever actually held a baby to completion.

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RoyChiusEyelashes@reddit

Thanks I needed that!

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housevil@reddit

Look up his other stuff. It's all Darkly hilarious like that.

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NC-Tacoma-Guy@reddit

I rub the baby on my sweater and stick it to the wall with the static electricity. Safety first!

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temporalwanderer@reddit

I just do this. Works 100% of the time.

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scientia_analytica@reddit

Maybe go to the bathroom

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Ok-Equivalent8260@reddit

Or just use your big girl words

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SpecialApplication@reddit

Ideally yes, but some people just don’t respect boundaries unfortunately. I’m very firm about not wanting to hold a baby that I am frequently around (she’s great I’m just awkward with infants), and her grandmother thinks I “just need practice” and has tried to shove her into my arms multiple times. Might try OP’s strategy next time

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Meowingtons_H4X@reddit

I try not hold babies. They can tell I used to be a real piece of shit.

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porkroastwaifu@reddit

People can change.

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probably-bad-advice@reddit

They used to be a real piece of shit. They still are, but they used to be too.

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wakeuptomorrow@reddit

Oooh I love this one! Finally my butterfingers can give me an advantage. Just because I’m a woman does not mean I want to hold a baby that will probably throw up on me. Bleh. No thanks

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Patient_Wolverine223@reddit

No thanks, I'm afraid of babies, plus it'll start crying.

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carlcrossgrove@reddit

“Ummmm OK, but my spastic elbow might start up if I hold it in the same position too long. Now, where’s the handle on this thing?”

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i-am-foxymoron@reddit

Now this is some good, wholesome, ULPT!

Have to say OP you would have got a LOT more engagement if your title was, 'If you don't want to hold someone's baby, just drop". LOL

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EragonBromson925@reddit

I mean, that works too.

I crack my neck VERY aggressively. As in, people have asked me if I'm genuinely trying to break my own neck. And if I haven't done it in a while, there are quite a few pops and it is LOUD.

Me, being the comedic genius (see: socially inept dumbass) that I am, thought "You know what would be funny? If I cracked my neck and immediately went limp." The room went quieter than a crypt for about 3 seconds before a buddy sprinted for the door to get... Someone who might know what to do.

Yeah.... I got yelled at for that one.

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jagen-x@reddit

I’m laughing so much at that haha

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NullGWard@reddit

There was a comedian who joked that, whenever someone tried to give him a baby to hold, he just reached for the baby's head. That usually worked to scare the parents off.

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Glittering-Elk-8308@reddit

Do you remember who it was?

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i-am-foxymoron@reddit

That's hilarious! You are my kind of people.

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Sharkhous@reddit

Trying this

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iPod3G@reddit

I’m more concerned about your alcohol abuse dropping the beer can. I hope it was empty. Beer shouldn’t be wasted like that.

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xHolo01x@reddit

Could just say no, instead of dropping it, and calling it something.

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Jman15x@reddit

I love holding babies

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Sk8r_2_shredder@reddit

I was recently at my foreman’s house and him and his wife offered for me to hold their daughter. Apparently I was extremely quick with my no cause his wife had a look of shock and made a small comment about the speed of my response. I just let them know the only babies I’ve ever held were my own children and I’m not comfortable holding other peoples infants. They both understood and didn’t press the matter. But I feel like if I ever come across someone being adamant that I hold their child I will use this tip lol

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AuntieCrystal@reddit

That is BRILLIANT!!!!!

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4point5billion45@reddit

Genius!

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schalk81@reddit

Better yet, you only need to drop an actual baby once and will never ever again be offered to hold one. Word wil get around.

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SundayRed@reddit

Or just be a human being operating with a basic level of social interaction competency and say "he/she is beautiful, but no thanks, I'm happy looking on from here."

It's not that deep or difficult.

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CommanderInQueefs@reddit

Or just grow the fuck up amd tell them you don't like to hold other people's babies because it makes you nervous.

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i-am-foxymoron@reddit

r/lostredditors

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New_Day_Rising@reddit

That doesn’t seem very unethical.

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kooshans@reddit

OP thinks that people don't ask to hold their baby anymore because she drops something, while in reality it's probably because they get a very weird vibe from her.

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Sk1rm1sh@reddit

The baby's crying and everyone else is angry.

Does that normally happen when they get dropped?

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Chewiesbro@reddit

“No thanks, I’m full.”

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QualityKatie@reddit

This is a legit ULPT. I’m going to file this one away.

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FormidableMistress@reddit

I have neurological issues and used to twitch. When my brother's first kid was born we went to visit them at the hospital. I was having a bad day symptom wise and told my brother "It's best I don't hold the baby today, lest I chuck him across the room."

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Historical-Edge-9332@reddit

Would have made a great Curb Your Enthusiasm episode

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Responsible_Dentist3@reddit

Oh that's freaking awesome, thank you, I will definitely need this in the coming years!