Moved abroad for my Husband and we are approaching conversations around divorce
Posted by Accomplished-Quail21@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 50 comments
Been under a year since moving abroad with my husband and he is suggesting divorce. I sacrificed a break in my career for 1 year and distance between my friends and family to get here and wanting to nearly end my life because of it. I am extroverted and my husband is very introverted and if you can imagine having no one other than your partner to confide in/no other social outlets was already a challenge (not for him).
We both have always been equally ambitious and due to our small age gap, I have spent a majority of our relationship building my life around his career and where it was suitable to live for him. I’ve spent major parts of my career doing 3 and 4 hour round trip commutes for him.
Today, I am finally employed and we continue to argue daily. My prolonged depressive mental state has manifested in him putting our relationship on cruise control and desensitized/unable to overcome our intensified period of heightened emotional stress prior to me being employed and in addition to transitioning into his new role and the financial implications it took to get here (delays directly attributed to his company as his company assisted in relocation).
Every argument ends in self-deprecation and to him ‘nothing’ can be fixed, because that is what he is convinced of in his head. I have love for him, but I can’t help, but feel the amount of sacrifice I’ve made for him when he is unable to show up emotionally for me (ie. early stress of adjusting to a new role after leaving a role with toxic leadership and re-gaining confidence). We hit one decade this year and arguing every other day has drained both of us. Any couples who have came out of this successfully?
exsnakecharmer@reddit
I think it's time to move on before you waste another decade trying to 'fix' things.
I say this not as some edgy teenager on reddit, but as a 46 year old who's experienced some very sad breakups.
The reason is that I think this is because your partner has shown you they won't be there for you, and you will always be resentful of this. Some emotions can't be undone, and your sacrifices will never be repaid.
Of course, I'm just a stranger on the net, so take my advice with a grain of salt.
Standard_Piglet@reddit
This is the advice to follow. And if his life continues to envelop hers it will be so much harder for her to get on the train going in the right direction.
peachpavlova@reddit
I agree, I think personally it sounds like he has checked out. No amount of therapy will make him suddenly change his mind and want to be with her again if he’s decided he no longer wants to. It really hurts but she should go back home and see if she can resume her old career, this relationship is incompatible. I’m sorry, OP, and I wish you well. Situations like this are awful. But you only have one life in this earth and if you spend all of it sacrificing for someone who won’t do the same for you, sooner or later you will resent him.
Synstitute@reddit
Take a vacation from each other. Not cheating. Just a break from each other. Sounds like there’s no space to miss each other to remember why you deal with the arguments.
BigWater7673@reddit
It also doesn't help that she made him her entire world due to her moving away from her support system. She needs to find support in the location she's in. I know...easier said than done.
TriggeredByPapaJohns@reddit
I second this. My husband went for a month holiday last year with a friend and it did wonders for our relationship. We are now moving abroad too and he is going before me so we will be apart for a couple of months. I look forward to it because it will allow us to miss each other and do things with our own time (I often struggle with guilt, if I go to the gym I’m not with my family, if I go our with friends on a friday night I’m not with my family)
We have a kid so we are always so stressed out. I really do feel distance makes the heart grow fonder.
Lucky_Trip_9247@reddit
This part!
Treefrog54321@reddit
Moved to another country for my husband. If they’re not fully in it then from my experience it’s just prolongs the agony.
You as I did sacrificed everything and if he’s having doubts and the divorce talks so soon after you made those massive life changing sacrifices then it’s not looking solid for the future.
Go home if you can and make sure you’re okay that’s all that matters. Take care it’s not easy I’ve been there.
Rare_Independent_739@reddit
As someone who sacrificed her college dreams and career around a man, don’t! I resent him for it daily. We are now in a massive financial mess of his own doing and I’ve been laid off three times in this market. I had dreams and plans that he always said we couldn’t do. I finally got tired and started working on what I finally wanted. Now, he wants to chase me to a country I’m looking at moving to when just six months ago he told me he’d never leave the states. He told me not to go to law school, it’s too expensive. Yeah, but had I went two decades ago, I’d already be established and probably a partner or a CLO. After two decades of this, I’m done. Our marriage died along with our second baby. This next chapter is about me and finally doing what I want. I’m sorry if this isn’t the answer you were looking for. I’m on introvert and he’s an extrovert. I can’t live my life around him supporting him and neglecting myself anymore and you shouldn’t either. Marriage should be a partnership not a catership
fertthrowaway@reddit
As a twice divorced 46 year old, nope, I think it's done for between you two and has for a long time. It's lucky if you don't have children. It's not clear if you have to move back to your home country or are dependent on your husband to stay where you are, or what you intend to do if you divorce, voluntarily or not, so definitely think that through. I'm guessing if you're under 1 year abroad, it means you'd have to leave the job you just got there and leave? Is that what you want now, or not?
mooyong77@reddit
Go out and make friends without him. Go take a class, sight see, make friends at work. Basically don’t depend on him at all see if maybe that improves your mood and improves the relationship. X
See this whole time he has been doing what makes him happy and you haven’t so you might be low key resenting him and he can feel it. If you are extroverted go find some friends!
SpaceBetweenNL@reddit
Depends on what country you're from. I'd it's a poorer place, I would've stayed with him for a couple more years only to get a local citizenship. If the countries are equal (for example, the US and Canada), I would've left if I were you.
1agomorph@reddit
Nope, moved abroad for my ex and stayed waaay together too long (8 years). Cut your losses now and get out before you invest one more drop of yourself in this dude! Even if it does work out for you two temporarily, this bitterness about the inequality of your investment in him will remain.
weekend_reader7@reddit
Everything happens for a reason. You are where you are meant to be, if one chapter is nearing the end. Be prepared to start a new one, sounds like you have put him first most of the time. Time to invest in yourself. Ultimately, you may end up being happier although I can imagine its quite tough in the moment.
schonada@reddit
I think ypu should "take a break" and live apart for a while. Everything on your mind, all that resentment should be spoken out loud or written to your husband. Then give him some time to digest it, do your own thing meanwhile, idk cut your hair, get new pretty clothes, do some sports, whatever makes you feel good.
If after a month he says "nofing can be done" and doesn't try to keep you, fuck him, find yourself a better man.
Scared-Guarantee-453@reddit
Reading this gave me major anxiety. I know that feeling of being in a constant loop of frustration, isolation, resentment, indignation. But mostly in a constant state of anticipation, waiting for that moment when things would get better when my points would get thru when I was seen and acknowledged and appreciated. When is it coming? When is it fuckin coming?
It’s not coming. Waiting for it is what keeps us in that choking feeling. Even just remembering that feeling is so awful it gives me anxiety. Let it go and move on! It’s only your pride that will hurt. Yes you deserved better but who cares! Let it go and start living your best life. What does that look like? What would you been doing if life was good? Life is short. Really short. Don’t wait til the trauma of the death of a loved one reminds you to go find your happiness before it’s too late. Let a Reddit stranger remind you instead 😊
Pommymommy9@reddit
This hit home. I wake up nauseous everyday from stress and spent months just sleeping until late afternoon so I don’t have to deal with anxiety.
Scared-Guarantee-453@reddit
I know that feeling well. I’m not a therapist so I can only tell you my experience and for me the trouble it took to change my life seems so trivial now. The relief of not having to live with that dreadful feeling day and day out anymore was worth any pain it took to get here.
Newagehippiee@reddit
Yes I just went though something very similar. Do not feel bad for the “sacrifices” you’ve made! That’s love sometimes! Just go on your own lane now. You owe him nothing and he owes you nothing. You guys can be happier with new lives instead. Don’t mad eachother miserable. Do what’s best for you, your mental, your future, your heart! Love thyself!
StreethawkI@reddit
Thank you for this. I also just went through something very similar. I’m sorry that others have gone through this, but I’m also comforted to know I’m not alone. And as I think about it further, of course we’re not alone!
OP, be good to yourself.
MeggatronNB1@reddit
OP may I ask, what sacrifices has he made over the years that made you think he was worth moving to another country for?
Some men are just selfish AF. (I am a man, I know these kind of men.)
Pommymommy9@reddit
If you don’t mind mind me asking what country and how old you are? I am (35) and moved to Italy for my spouse and left my career and friends and family. I am in your exact same situation right now except it has escalated to DV and me not being able to find employment has taken a huge mental toll and has now made it difficult to leave.
biliv-r@reddit
DV is not the same as couple's therapy. Unless you are using the term lightly, the path for you is very different and please, start the process of moving away if you can't manage to straight up leave.
Pommymommy9@reddit
I agree and I am working on it. I think once the resentment builds up people sometimes say the ugliest things. It’s especially difficult in the situation where you depend on your partner for most of support and for the other person that becomes taxing as well. The OP said something relatable to me regarding feeling like the amount of sacrifices she has made and her partner not seeing things as “ fixable “. Her partner will never understand the stress and mental toll the international move causes.
That is why I asked which country . Different places have different takes on therapy and obviously various costs, availability etc
TequilaHappy@reddit
Most modern couples fail now a days. It is what it is
bazaarjunk@reddit
The fuck?
CoffeeInTheTropics@reddit
I believe statistically that is actually correct. Not a very helpful comment however.
Dear OP, I suggest couple’s counseling with your husband and individual for yourself.
A year abroad is not a long time yet so give it some more time for your marriage to work and for you and your husband to adjust to this new life. Set yourselves an ultimatum of sorts, if you (both) still feel this way around Christmas then you need to do what is best for your mental health and go back home, be with your loved ones and work on your own career.
In all fairness, show some understanding for your husband as well. As horrible and debilitating as a clinical depression is, it’s almost equally horrible for the spouse, it affects everyone close to you.
And it’s fine if you decide to call it quits in a few months, expat life is not for everyone. Don’t see it as a failure, but as the end of an adventure.
In the meantime take care and be kind to yourself, wishing you the very best!
KiwiBeacher@reddit
Well said
Alostcord@reddit
Unfortunately.. divorce is not uncommon w/ the expat community.
ultimomono@reddit
OP, please seek help and guidance from someone impartial to process this with. Your life, health and safety is above everything else. You don't have to make this work if it's harming you
KiwiBeacher@reddit
I don't know how many of the people responding are actually expats because as one and knowing many others we all have one thing in common- the first year is absolutely exhausting. You are probably asking way too much from yourself and from your spouse with the added pressures of all the hoops you have jumped through to accommodate him.
My suggestion would be (if you BOTH want to try) is couples and individual therapy and trying not to expect much from each other for at least 6 months. If things aren't any better then more conversations I guess.
Also, it's ok to sleep a lot more than normal. I conked out before 8PM for months. Tired brain - and I adore my new country, had no problems with my spouse or my new job, no language issues - even with the best circumstances it is a big adjustment and exhausting.
I hope it goes as well as it can for you too.
Toto_Ro5@reddit
You need couples counselling
Retired-Yam8988@reddit
Honestly has nothing to do with expats - sound like you need relationship counseling or at least a long ChatGPT talk
binkkit@reddit
Moved abroad a year ago, partner was pretty squirrelly and complained constantly. She went back and packed the container which took months to arrive. When it did, I realized she’d only packed my stuff and had been lying to me for months.
We’re split up, and I’m thrilled about that, but NGL being in another country all alone is a lot when you didn’t expect it.
Primary-Angle4008@reddit
It seems like so far you were the one who mostly sacrificed in the relationship and moving abroad is a big deal and huge sacrifice especially if it’s not what you really seem to have wanted and I can read a lot of resentment between the lines.
The question is though if you both want to continue this marriage or do you want to go separate ways If you want to keep going you need to change your terms and get more out of it but this needs work on both sites and potentially couples therapy at this stage
He seems to be also quiet in a dark place which isn’t necessarily an introvert thing, I’m an introvert yet generally have a positive mindset but he needs to realise that he probably made much in the relationship about him so this is more a problem of being selfish
Think what you want! If he doesn’t want to go to counseling do so for yourself at least
MarginPut@reddit
Stress can have quite a long lag effect even if the actual cause of the stress has gone away. I suggest don't make any rushed decisions as this may pass with a little time.
Aware_Reveal6329@reddit
He sounds like he has given up and there may be someone else... I'm sorry you sacrificed what you wanted like everyone tells you to in a marriage and got screwed. Please live for you.
madeleinegnr@reddit
Get a divorce then?
dealwithitxo@reddit
Do things to make your self happy and your situation with little to no regard to him. You said you accommodate him by sacrificing this and that but does he know that? Does he agree, or did he think he didn’t ask you to do that? It’s time to put your self first, get your money back up, make friends!! Use bumble bffs, I’ve moved around the world 5+ countries with and without a partner and I find bumble has a 20% hit rate. But it’s about leading YOUR own life. Make your self happy and be in charge of your own destiny first, your relationship can come second and it may or may not just be the fix you need.
I’ve also been in the position of sacrificing my own path, career to move for a man and I found the only solution is to put your self first. Mine ended up in a divorce due to other issues of him being a bad husband and not emotionally available but regardless you will figure it out as you concentrate on your own life.
Secure-Ad9780@reddit
Two adults in a relationship are totally responsible for their own decisions. No one made you commute for hours; no one made you move abroad, and leave your friends and job. Those are decisions you made. In retrospect, when your marriage is no longer working, you can't blame him for everything. Why would anyone want to stay in a marriage where you're arguing every other day?
oarsandalps@reddit
she said sacrifice. she didn't say she was forced to
C2H4Doublebond@reddit
I am going to comment something different than everybody else here. In my ideal world, I think it should go back to what marriage is supposed to be. Is it meant to be the pleasure and joy of the individuals, or is it for the collective good? Is it something that can be refund or is it a commitment?
mermaidman333@reddit
Remember that resentment is boundaries that were never enforced. If you sacrificed for him, don’t blame him, it’s more empowering to own your decisions.
tnvoipguy@reddit
Being a couple is not a modern concept. Failure comes from being with the wrong person to begin with sometimes! Take more time choosing a spouse and do be shallow about the requirements. Pray and trust your gut. Keep the choice pure and moral!
SnooCrickets8125@reddit
If you don’t have young children/kids, and he won’t work with you, it might be best to look for someone that’s more compatible, but it won’t be easy depending on your age. If kids are involved, one has to put them first and accommodate and accept one’s circumstances (if there’s nothing dysfunctional). My spouse and I aren’t fully compatible but we’re able to get along just fine by focusing on the well being of the family. I’ve had to change a lot and give up some dreams, yet those changes have become acceptable and the norm because I value the kids and their stability. It might be something different with someone else, you always have to give something up.
Kiwiatx@reddit
Do you still love each other?
Do you BOTH want to fight for the relationship?
If yes then relationship counselling is the obvious choice.
Otherwise it sounds like you know what your deal breakers are. Move on and apart, you don’t mention kids so you’ll be able to make a clean break.
qjrbdisdhsld@reddit
I read that whole story and didn't see intimacy mentioned once. I'll bet that's the real problem here.
muskyspirit@reddit
Good.
ALBA38@reddit
Therapy. A lot of individual and couple’s therapy, if he will participate. Don’t make any big decisions until you’ve fully processed this.
Pan_Duh_Pan_Duh@reddit
This. And, there are also a lot of good online resources and workshops to improve communication. Self-guided courses. Group support. Coaching. Couple’s retreats. Etc. There are a lot of resources to help sort yourself, himself, and your relationship out.
good luck op