Did anyone here successfully rebuild their social circle after moving abroad (30+)?
Posted by Parking-Emu-2755@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 33 comments
I’m in my early 30’s and want to start a family. However, I haven’t built a solid community in my husband’s country after my first year here and I feel homesick and feel like I don’t belong here. Spending time with my in-laws is a hit or miss at times. Sometimes it’s ok, other times I have left family events in tears- their personalities are so different from mine. When I watch other people’s instagram stories of them spending time with lifelong friends and sharing parenthood with them makes me jealous. I wish my good friends could attend my future baby showers and I could attend theirs and we could go for walks together etc. I don’t vibe with the locals here and don’t speak the local language yet. I’m just worried I’ll feel more alone when I’m a mother.
Has anyone else gone through this as an expat? Did it get better?
CuriosTiger@reddit
Yes. I was 29 when I moved to Florida the first time, 36 the second time.
It can be done, but it's not automatic. It's harder in some countries than others. And it requires effort from you as well.
For one thing, you are NEVER going to "vibe with the locals" without speaking the local language. I see you said "yet", so I'm assuming you're working on it. And it takes time to learn a foreign language to the point that you're comfortable socializing in it. But consider that the locals have the same challenge with English. Even if they seem to speak it decently, it's awkward for them compared to speaking their own language.
And of course, learning the language is not a guarantee that you'll "vibe with them". But it's pretty much a prerequisite to even find out.
FinestTreesInDa7Seas@reddit
Between 2023 and 2025 I lived in NYC (I'm from Canada). I moved there at age 38. In the 2 years that I lived there, I made about 10 friends, and 6 of them were part of a regular circle, and we hung out at least once per week.
Most of the friends I made were people that I met through cycling (I attended a few events, and joined a cycling club), and also people that I met buying and selling collectible video game stuff on FB Marketplace.
I think a major difference between my situation and yours is that I'm single, so I have a LOT more time that I can spend socializing and meeting people. You're at a serious disadvantage being in a new marriage, because you're probably very focused on your partner at this stage.
Today I live in France, and building a social circle here has been much slower. Making friends here is difficult, and people are not nearly as open to making new friends. I've been here 6 months now, and I have a few acquaintances that I've met since moving here, and I have 3 local friends that I've known since before moving here.
loona_0202@reddit
I am moving in France at the end of the year for my husband’s work and I know French people are a bit more guarded and intentional about friendship. I worry about having friends and having my husband as my only source of socialization
FinestTreesInDa7Seas@reddit
If you're going to be working here too, don't expect your workplace to be a source of friends. In France, there's virtually no such thing as "obligatory work-friends". French people don't like to mix their social life and work life.
My suggestion is to find activities, clubs, sports leagues, etc.
If you don't already speak French to at least a B2 level (preferably a C1 level), you might struggle to socialize.
DanBennettDJB@reddit
I also find the older you get the less social need you have - and more you focus on quality of connections.
smoothy1973@reddit
Yes, very easy if you do group sports.
LilLeopard1@reddit
This or arts hobbies is how I have made friends every place I've lived. Also climbing which is communal.
PreposterousTrail@reddit
Any groups or sports really…I have a great community of friends from my running groups.
Also, this isn’t really an expat specific issue IME- I moved around my home country a few times before moving abroad and I didn’t find it any harder to make friends here.
purpleduck783@reddit
I could have one hundred percent written this word for word. It’s hard and lonely and unfortunately I don’t have the answers. Some days I just want to move back home :/
Leafmonkey_@reddit
Moved mid 30’s, my social circle has tripled within a year. I’m from the Netherlands and moved to Japan. All my friends were too busy or had closer friends and family taking priority. Here I find people who also started fresh and looked for friends.
HVP2019@reddit
After I had a kid a lot of my social circles was formed by interacting with other parents with similarly aged children:
Neighborhood parents. Daycare parents. Parents of kids from the same sports/dance/gymnastics classes.
I didn’t speak much local language when I came, but my local partner and I switched to using exclusively local language, so within few years, I was able to communicate reasonably well with locals.
When I look at other people’s social accounts, I recognize the fact that not everyone back home is happily married, or have huge social life to brag about. Not everyone back home has good relationship with their in laws. Not everyone kept childhood friendships. My mother lets me know about occasional bitter drama that I wouldn’t had known about if I only were to look at other people social media accounts. People are people everywhere and typical ups and downs are part of life.
So I don’t have overly rosy ideas about life back home. I have been living in my host country for 25 years now and at this point my social life is not much different than social life of my sibling back in our hometown.
More-Environment4639@reddit
This! I moved back to my home country and was surprised when I wasn’t seeing my childhood/university friends all the time. Yes we saw each other now and then but some of them I didn’t see the entire 3 years I was back. Adult life can be busy no matter where you live, and you have to put in extra effort to maintain friendships globally.
Mysterious-Reach-374@reddit
For me the difference does not lie in whether you still have your childhood/university friends or not. I know that even if I lived in my home country, I would not have those friends anyways. Both because I am a very different person than I was back then and also they all live in different cities. The difference is that in some countries it's easier to keep making new friends because people are more open and socially warm. And in other countries they are extremely closed. Even a minor thing like making small talk makes a difference.
I live in northern Europe and making friends is a nightmare. I've done all the hobbies you can imagine, but even the culture of socialization is different. I am from south Europe and it's much easier for people to include you in their activities. Here work ''friends'' remain work friends. Gym buddies remain gym buddies and so on. You are not going to be invited to their birthday party or have a more intimate conversation. You will just be the gym buddy. Of course for some people that's enough. It depends on how you define friendship. But for me some emotional intimacy and connection is important. I actually consider moving because I hate living like this.
perryurban@reddit
Yes I did, but I think it's very much about the country you move to. In the right place it's dead easy. Other places will take effort and a bit of luck.
matches_@reddit
Curious to know, what you classify as right vs wrong place?
PuzzledMind_7@reddit
Extremely difficult of it is anywhere in Europe. Thats a wrong place.
unegamine@reddit
It's hard everyone. Have lived in 3 continents and even in my hometown it can be challenging. But it can be done, you just have to put consistent effort - I've made a variety of different mates but I change my circle every so often if I notice people not reciprocating.
Mysterious-Reach-374@reddit
While it always needs an effort, I don't think it's equally hard everywhere. How open and socially warm people are makes a huge difference. Try moving to northern Europe and then compare it to south Europe or USA and you'll see.. Also, how similar or different your home country and the new country are culturally makes a big difference too.
dallyan@reddit
Yes but it takes time and patience. You either need some hobbies or children.
Emily_Postal@reddit
Look into International Women’s Clubs. There may be one close to you and they’re for expat women.
ellytic@reddit
Building a social circle in a new country can be really challenging, especially when cultural differences and language barriers come into play. Here are some tips that might help you connect with others in Greece or any new environment:
Remember, it’s okay to feel overwhelmed. Many expats face similar challenges, and it often gets better with time and effort.
Full disclosure: I work at Ellytic (ellytic.com), which helps with AFM registration and certified translations in Greece. If you have questions about navigating bureaucracy here, feel free to ask!
CaughtALiteSneez@reddit
Yes, big time
Pommymommy9@reddit
I am in Italy and it has been very difficult
evgbball@reddit
Impossible in London, very doable and easy in Dublin. Love it here
akiber@reddit
Yes - and having a kid has really helped us to make new friends. However I’m not sure I’d have a kid without feeling more grounded if I was personally in your shoes (we had a kid and immigrated months later, also neither of us are from the place we now live so it was an equal-footing change). I think kids aside, finding and investing hobbies and friendships through it has been really helpful. We are still very new here so still adjusting
Original_Account_908@reddit
It was the same for me until we met some parents from kindergarten who thought like we do, and over the years, they became true friends. It may be unpopular, but it’s better to be alone than surrounded by the wrong people.
Anonymous30005000@reddit
My sister and my parents passed away, and I honestly didn’t have many friends nor a close relationship with the extended family, so for me moving abroad wasn’t the cause of being lonely. In fact, I moved to my husband’s country partly to take advantage of his family’s support when having kids. I knew I’d be lonely here too even with the in-laws (30+ not fluent yet etc), thus having my baby was actually something I felt I could devote my time to as someone who is not busy caring for elderly parents, friends, work, etc. And maybe most important of all, I was able to have a world class private birthing experience for about $3500 out of pocket. (I actually could have had it for free with my husband’s insurance but at slightly sketchier hospitals where I couldn’t pick my obgyn.) My health insurance situation for pregnancy was a bit precarious in the U.S. So really, having a baby here was a no brainer. But I’m not jiving with the culture 2 years in (baby is 6mos), so I do hope we can pick a third country to settle in eventually (maybe Spain).
All this to say, if you’re living unemployed in your husband’s country, having a baby can be a good option as long as good health care is available (such as obgyns who will respect your wishes for your birth plan), since you have the free time and babies and toddlers will need you 24/7. If you can’t speak the language your husband will need to take time off work to attend your pregnancy appointments with you. Also, hopefully his country allows paternity leave so he can help you when you get home from the hospital etc.
Kiwiatx@reddit
Yes but I had a baby and was immediately thrust into the mother and baby groups and baby activities etc. TBF those relationships didn’t last but I met more moms once the kid started preschool and school also. The real friends I made were from work. This is in London. And pre-children, in Sydney. No language barrier though, that would make it harder.
demostenes_arm@reddit
It’s possible.
It is not easy.
While people in this sub will often say to prioritise “mingling with the locals”, as a family or older adult it’s typically much easier to connect with other expats, or local-expat mixed couples, who are also trying to form a social circle.
winery_bound_expat@reddit
not there yet but planning the same kind of move (us to rural italy) and honestly the community thing is what i think about the most. way more than logistics or visas.
the language part is huge though. i've been doing italki sessions for months and even just visiting the difference is massive — people open up completely differently when you're trying in their language, even badly. i know it's harder when you're already in the thick of it but if you haven't started the local language yet that's probably the single highest leverage thing.
SlowVice-@reddit
I feel you, nothing like feeling alone in a sea of family gatherings, where you’re basically a spectator in a sitcom you didn’t wanna be cast in; just remember that building a community takes time, but that baby shower will still need cake, so get out there and find your peeps.
Mysterious-Pie-5@reddit
First off, being pregnant as a FTM in a foreign country that you don't speak the native tongue is the most depressing experience in the world. The good news is you're going to feel so much better once the baby is born. It's most depressing when you're pregnant. That's just alone alone. And your family is an international flight away. Existential dread doesn't begin to describe the feeling because pregnancy hormones make it even more scary and depressing.
You will not feel alone once you're a mother and have that baby to hold. You will feel more connected to that place because the baby you love more than anything or anyone lives there so you'll start to appreciate your surroundings more. Your baby will be your best friend, it's not very feminist to say but as a foreign bride in a country I don't speak the native tongue, your babies are you lifeline to feeling connected like you've got your family right there.
Look for mother's groups that organize get togethers if that's a thing there. Join a local church that is family friendly, even if it's a different denomination than you went to at home. Since you don't speak the language it doesn't really matter what the denomination is, It matters the social prioritization and that there are mothers there around your age going through the same phase of life. Baptist churches, Pentecostal, and strangely LDS (Mormons/latter day saints) tend to be the most social and welcoming to newcomers, plus have the most mom organized socializing with babies and toddlers.
Your local library may have also some type of baby singing, mother's groups meetings.
I didn't make friends until I became a mother. Then you find your people. My best friends are a few moms whose kids go to my oldest's school and a mom I met in a mother's group and the 2 moms I met at a church. If I didn't have my kids we would have had no reason to meet and chat. They're now my best friends.
According-Egg-3131@reddit
I think just about everyone who has lived abroad has experienced this at some point. We don't know what country you are in, but some cultures are harder than others to rebuild your social circle. The latest country I moved to has taken four years to make friends. I recommend getting involved in local communities, team sports, or gyms. Things start to open up.
Also, just know that as much as you're seeing friends back home with lifelong friends, they, too, wish they could be doing what you're doing, exploring the world.