Do you notice people getting self centered in older age?
Posted by Street-Persimmon8492@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 64 comments
I'm at the age now where my parents and partner's parents are reaching or over 70 and we've noticed they only really want to talk about themselves. Any time we have a story to tell we can see they're not listening and just waiting for their chance to say whatever they're thinking. We're happy to just listen to them to be honest but it's interesting that when talking to people with family of a similar age they have a similar experience.
Is this just a coincidence or does anyone else have this experience?
PsychologicalDish430@reddit
This is prevelent in general across society. People converse as if they are reading a social media thread. Next time you converse with someone, see if they ask a secondary question about something that was said, or just stop talking mid sentence and see what happens.
Dramatic-Ad-4607@reddit
Thought i was the only one and it really bothers me because i keep so much to myself because i feel like nobody who im close to wants to hear when i want to talk about my worries and issues but people in my family always talk AT me not with me. Its all about them and how they feel and their story and when i do speak about what i want to talk about its "hmm yeah uh huh oh thats like me with so and so the other day" and goes on to their own topic about their story and issues.
Mum is - 57
Uncle - 55
Nan is - 76
Mother in law - 55 also
And then these people wonder why me and my husband arent "talkative" or we "keep to ourselves" when its not that at all we just gave up trying and decided we can just rely on one another and other close friends who actually want to listen to us and talk WITH us and not AT us.
Dangerous-Regret-358@reddit
I really good observation as this happens in a lot of families. One of the main problems is that people just aren't aware of how their behaviour is perceived by others and, to make it worse, we don't call them out on it.
Over the years I've met people who treat others shoddily, but in the UK we don't, generally, have a conversation about it. Honestly, I really do think we need to call that out a lot more often than we actually do.
Dangerous-Regret-358@reddit
I really good observation as this happens in a lot of families. One of the main problems is that people just aren't aware of how their behaviour is perceived by others and, to make it worse, we don't call them out on it.
Over the years I've met people who treat others shoddily, but in the UK we don't, generally, have a conversation about it. Honestly, I really do think we need to call that out a lot more often than we actually do.
HorseyBot3000@reddit
My mother in law
Called her from our holiday to tell her we had gotten engaged, 2 mins on that and then a 10 minute discussion about her car troubles.
Snowing678@reddit
Not everyone but it's noticeable. I remember the last meeting with my granny, I was trying to tell her about our wedding which was wasn't able to attend. However she wasn't interested and instead wanted to tell us about the new Jamie Oliver recipe on the paper. That was last time I saw her as she passed away not long after.
GlenOneN@reddit
My Dad is 75 and phones once a week. I swear he has a pre planned conversation. He'll tell me about his hospital appointments, how he doesn't have to pay for a TV licence now or what his neighbours have been up to. Sometimes I'll interrupt his flow and mention his grandson (my son) or something I've done and he'll totally ignore it and just carry on. He'll say "What did you say? Anyway". I love talking to him but it does get irritating.
whoops53@reddit
Ugh, yeah, its a thing and drives me nuts. Especially when they hark back to their youth
"Way back in '74, I remember my friends brother's girlfriend fell off a fence into a cow pat"
Ok....
dbxp@reddit
Not really, I think it's more a function of how much interaction with the world and community they have
Adventurous_Boat_543@reddit
I think it depends more on people's personality. My grandma who is 95 has always been an incredible conversationalist and can talk to anyone and ask really good questions. This has continued into old age and full blown dementia, and she still manages to ask questions throughout every conversation.
singingcr@reddit
Sometimes when you have hearing loss (and hearing aids not really working) this can happen because you've been working so hard to piece together what the others are saying. It can also happen when the older person lives alone or with someone who can't have meaningful conversation (e.g. they care for their partner with dementia) and has been waiting for someone to talk with all week.
catjellycat@reddit
Yes.
I love my mum but she can derail any conversation back to herself. Even my kids have noticed. I’ve had to tell my youngest to smile and nod when Nan is going off on one about herself when we were just talking about something else.
Something happens when you retire I think. She’ll ring me when I’m at work telling me she’s tired because on Monday she had to go to the shop (she didn’t) and then also mow the lawn (again, she didn’t). Or she’ll tell me she can’t do something because she’s already doing something (of around 1hr in duration) that day. She’s not unphysically fit so it’s not that, I don’t know.
Kim_catiko@reddit
My mum does this, but she's always been a bit like that.
You'll be talking about something random, and she somehow manages to turn it into something about herself.
I can't remember what was being said, but when I had finished telling the story, my mum said "that was like at work etc etc". When she finished, I asked her how did her story have any relation at all to my story and she couldn't answer me. She was just waiting for me to finish so she could say what she wanted to say.
She is generous though and usually willing to help whenever one of us has a problem, so I shouldn't moan about her.
catjellycat@reddit
You and me both.
But it is fucking annoying :)
No_Actuary9100@reddit
My bro in law (63yo) is awful for this. He’s a good bloke and jolly but he never asks anyone anything about their lives and drones on with long stories about his life and tries to be funny and then whenever there’s a break in proceedings and anuonevv be else chimes in he zones out or starts fiddling with his phone!
ALi_K_501@reddit
Do we share a bro-in law? Sounds EXACTLY like mine
Chamomile2123@reddit
Sounds like my in-laws
techbear72@reddit
Not at all. My parents are both almost 80 and they’re just as interested in the world and everyone else as always.
Kim_catiko@reddit
My husband's grandparents are like this too. They are also in their 80s and pretty much housebound due to various issues.
We visited them yesterday and they were happy to talk about anything and everything. His nan usually has all the family gossip and his grandad usually likes to talk about whatever is on TV.
TehDragonGuy@reddit
Hate to say it but this is one of the early signs of dementia. Don't stress too much, because it can also just be part of getting old, but it's worth keeping in mind.
SadSurprise81@reddit
Yep this is what I was going to say too! Not always the case of course, but looking back it was one of the earliest signs for my mum and was easy to brush off as simply getting older and not getting enough social interaction etc.
sleepyprojectionist@reddit
My mum seems to be completely oblivious to most of what I have to say.
She knows that I’m struggling with money right now, and that I’m living paycheque to paycheque, but all she ever wants to speak about is how she just got the house redecorated or how she is going to Malta for the third time this year.
She was a nightmare when she was drinking, now she’s just a narcissistic old lady.
Crayons42@reddit
My parents couldn’t be less interested in my life (they are in their 70s).
Alternative_Big545@reddit
I think it depends on active their social life is. If they don't have one they'll talk a lot bc they're lonely or just bc it's pent up. I've noticed the same with stay at home parents who are only around their children.
Bobcat-2@reddit
Yep, my partner’s parents are awful. They have a social calendar that is absolutely packed all the time, and whilst I’m happy to see them still being active later in life and doing things, it’s at the expense of spending quality time with their grandchildren or their own children. My partner has chronic illness and with 2 young children it takes a lot out of her but still they’ll never take time out to help her, and often will decline doing things with the kids to save themselves for days or nights out with friends. I think they’re a pair of arseholes tbh but then they’re both advancing and maybe thinking they’ll not be here next month or year.
Street-Persimmon8492@reddit (OP)
Yeah that's definitely not what I mean. They raised your partner I think they're entitled to their own social life now. Sounds like you're the entitled one
Bobcat-2@reddit
Sorry, entitled how? I did not say I expect them to do nothing else but spend time with their family and daughter, I do feel that more than a few hours a month isn’t unreasonable. Perhaps different attitudes, but I chose to have my children, and I’ll help them as much as I can into old age as long as I’m fit and healthy to do so.
Thenedslittlegirl@reddit
A lot of people find that their world shrinks as they get older. If they’re struggles with health issues, or even just the pain and exhaustion of aging, they might become a bit stuck on talking about that too.
Unusual_Resident_784@reddit
standard practice with a lot of older folk. I emphasise a lot as it doesn't apply to all, for example I'm friends with an older couple in there 80s and they are the most wonderful, giving and generous people you could ever hope to meet.
DuckMagic@reddit
Unfortunately my parents have been like this my whole life. My inlaws are in their early 60ies and are definitely that way too- it seems to have gotten worse, but I think it was more of a case of them moving on from putting in effort and trying to make a good impression to an attitude of familiarity and no longer caring as much
RevolutionaryMail747@reddit
Are they starved of conversation?
khan800@reddit
I've only noticed this with lonely people or people in dysfunctional marriages.
I'm 60, and actually prefer talking to younger people, they're lives are more entertaining, almost by default. People my age can be boring, or they complain too much about meaningless trivial things.
Skydance1975@reddit
One of my grandmothers was like this. Most if her adult children complained about this but my dad (her son) figured it was because she was home alone for most of the week and so when she saw her family she really needed to talk as she didn't get much chance to have her voice heard otherwise. I thought that was quite an astute observation and now make similar allowances myself.
Brian_from_accounts@reddit
They’re lonely.
poopolisher@reddit
After 70 years I think you’re entitled.
Consistent-Pirate-23@reddit
Some honestly are awful, they really are the epitome of the phrase “ok boomers
LocalMendicant@reddit
It's probably just less social contact - people like to share what they do - hence people posting their lives on social media
Diligent_Craft_1165@reddit
A lot of adults do it, even younger adults. Everyone wants to pull the ladder up so the next generation doesn’t get the stuff they have.
Euphoric_Rough_5245@reddit
I think it goes both ways, nobody just sits and chats anymore, people are to wrapped up in their own lives, and that’s okay. (We all have to live our lives as individuals, couples, parents) but given the opportunity to talk it all comes gushing out and the other person feels like they haven’t had chance to tell their news or memory. Some people may not talk to another person for days on end except the cashier at the local store or if a child phones them up or visits, some parents may be a single parent and may not talk to another adult apart from at drop off/ pick up. Talking is easy if you stay long enough for the conversation to go both ways.
AffectionateJump7896@reddit
Some people are self centred. Some people care more about others.
Younger people make more of an effort to fit in with social norms, so if they are self centred they will at least make an effort to appear interested, and know they need to observe the social norms of asking after others.
As they get older they give less of a shit about what others think and the social norms and their true selves are more visible.
Dangerous-Regret-358@reddit
I am nearly 64, and one of the things I've noticed is just how people of my age, and older, have lost their sense of curiosity which I think contributes to the sort of behaviours and attitudes you mention in your post.
I was absolutely determined to not lose my sense of curiosity, to continue to learn and grow, and listen to others' experiences. I can't imagine living any other way - it's almost as if they died long before their time and are just waiting for their burial.
Never lose your sense of curiosity or basic humility!
Wooden_Astronaut4668@reddit
Yes. I work with all ages, the older people are the most self centred, entitled, bigoted moaners I encounter.
Obviously this is a big generalisation but Ive worked with the “older generation” for the last 20+ years and I notice a big difference between the generation that experienced war and todays generation of older people…
Wooden_Astronaut4668@reddit
Just to clarify I don’t consider 70 old, I consider 80+….
ClevelandWomble@reddit
As with most things, it varies. Perhaps some of what you describe is down to older people not understanding the new realities of social media, AI, gender fluidity, etc, so they focus on the familiar.
That said, my MIL told me that she'd had enough of keeping her peace and just intended to say whatever she thought. She did, and alienated just about all of her family. I just avoided her. So, just as you described.
My wife and I are in our seventies. We've seen both of our kids this weekend; helped them with their gardens; fed them and arranged to do a couple of favours for them in the next few weeks. We try no look outwards rather than inwards; perhaps that's the difference.
AdviceClear4727@reddit
All depends on that person. My stepdad has turned into someone I don't even like as a person anymore, yet my mum has gotten kinder and more empathetic as she has aged.
nutrition_nomad_@reddit
i’ve noticed this too with older relatives, it feels like they just want to share their thoughts more than listen sometimes. maybe it comes from having more life stories and wanting to be heard as they get older
mauriceminor1964@reddit
My lovely Dad is like this. He has had major health issues but is still here.
He refuses to listen to anyone else's problems or illnesses as it depresses him. That's fair if he gave others the same courtesy.
I think perhaps if he was more aware of others, he might feel lucky to be as well as he is?
As it is, he can walk and his son who is 23 years younger (me) can't!
idontlikemondays321@reddit
For some yes. I think life events of others must lose their novelty when you’ve known 68 other babies being born to friends and relatives or the 40th couple to get engaged.
Christine4321@reddit
…..and to add, that crisis youre having a meltdown over, isnt actually a crisis.
TheLittleGoat@reddit
This is my life on my dad’s side of my family. I’m so incredibly lucky to still have my grandparents and my dad but they do not give a toss about the details of my life.
They love spending time with me, but they just spend that time talking at me really. And yes much like you, when I do share, I have seen them glaze over and not ask any follow ups or anything.
I just suck it up. I still love them, and love that I still get to have them in my life, which I know won’t last much longer.
blurdyblurb@reddit
My mum's like that..but I know other people her age who definitely aren't!
Appropriate-Bad-9379@reddit
I’m 68 (f)-I think that I’ve mellowed with age. I must have been insufferable in my 20’s with my “pretty privilege “ and thinking that I was the centre of attention.. I prefer my own company nowadays and I’m not a chatterbox. I do have a friend (70) who is totally self centred and everything that affects him is a drama, but I think that some people are always going to have that mindset..
Cold_Raspberry520@reddit
Yep I believe it's this generation coming up. My grandmother's and older generation I knew growing up were not like this.
Real-Explorer1027@reddit
I think people seem to be like this generally! I don't find it is linked to age particularly. Talking to anyone who asks questions is no longer the norm I find.
stm2657@reddit
Yes. A few older folks in my family changed and seemed to just think of themselves. They also feel hard done by and I can’t work out why.
Justme-scotland@reddit
Oh absolutely I have family who are so selfish and they can’t see it. They play the victim so well it’s annoying.
Logical_Hat_47@reddit
Yeah. Old people want to talk about themselves. Young people want to talk about themselves. Both want to talk about their children because that's about all they have to justify their existence. And....
BG3restart@reddit
I'm old and I'd say I'm the opposite. When one of my kids rings, I love to hear what they've been up to, which is just as well as I can barely get a word in.
PynkPatterned@reddit
My dad is absolutely this. Approaching 70 and loves to tell me about money, what he bought from the shop and random people in the village but often forgets to ask me questions or can barely feign interest. Always been the same but getting worse now he's older.
Impossible_Delay1023@reddit
My parents have started only act for themselves, Both are around the 65 mark but everytime the ringer see one us up they moan about anything and everything without realising how good they have it.
Potential_Lettuce_98@reddit
Mother in law, yes. But shes always been like this. Father in law and my parents no. And when i talk to other elderly people it's not like this. So i think it's as individual as with younger people.
scrotalsac69@reddit
Yes completely. Comes with a shrinking world view so the only things they care about are within a small area and mostly involves them.
Doesn't apply to all older people though
Suspicious-Bread-693@reddit
100% my neighbours collared us on our way the house out with our first born when he was 6 days old and we ended up sitting at theirs for two hours listening to them talk about their own kids now they’re adults. Bruh.
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