How to deal with extreme isolation?
Posted by Obvious_Armadillo_16@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 51 comments
[removed]
Posted by Obvious_Armadillo_16@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 51 comments
[removed]
bitesize10@reddit
I mean this in the nicest way possible—I think you could benefit from therapy. It seems you have a lot of unaddressed issues (perhaps from being bullied or shunned in school) that I think could be hindering you. It sounds like you’re afraid to really put yourself out there for fear of being rejected or ignored.
A therapist could help you sort through all of your feelings, conscious or not, and find ways to move past them.
Obvious_Armadillo_16@reddit (OP)
People have mentioned this to me before but I never looked into it. What do I actually search into google and how do I pick someone? A girl at work goes to therapy every week and has been doing so for about 3 years and she said it really helps her. She had a death in the family which Ik about but I don't want to ask her how she found a good therapist
blue-wednesday@reddit
If she’s openly talking about going to therapy regularly and it seems like it’s been a positive experience for her I don’t think she would mind you asking her about it, Maybe you could find a quiet moment to ask her privately.
Beneficial-Flow-7333@reddit
Hey,
I’m from a similar situation, can I dm you? I can’t do it from my end for some reason.
Please dm me
bikepackerWill@reddit
I hate saying “this”, but the comment about leaving your comfort zone is the “this” comment.
We’re not going to have comparable experiences, as I’m a white man, but I was also bullied at school in my early teens. I was just quiet, to be honest. Kids are awful; I don’t look back at school fondly at all to be honest.
This is a decade and a half ago now — the best moments in my life since have been those moments I have utterly been dreading …until I do it.
The first big one was university. I was dreading moving out of home, into halls with people I didn’t know, in a city 3 hours away from my hometown. It was awkward for about 30 minutes, and then it ended up being the best 3 years of my life.
This feeling is easy to recreate. Do things by yourself. Cinema. Food. Solo travel. I highly recommend looking into solo group tour operators like Intrepid or G Adventures, which are geared towards young people (18-30ish).
I’ve done these tours over 10 times, and every time I’m sitting in the airport by myself I am asking myself why the fuck am I doing this to myself again**. You then get to know a group of 10 or so like-minded travellers over the course of the trip so well that, and you wouldn’t believe it, the last day when all the departures occurs are some of the saddest moment of my life.
So many friends around the world now as a result now though, and every single group chat with them is still active some-10 years on.
Smooth_Leadership895@reddit
I am 23m and also in a very similar situation with having little to no reliable friends.
Norklander@reddit
You sound like a nice person, I’m sure you’ll find what you are looking for.
Capital-Squirrel3522@reddit
I know how you feel and I was a home body (willingly) stuck with my parents into my late 20s. In your situation now, please try to widen your social circle through work, joining clubs or a regular class. You don't need to make besties or even jump into a relationship but build your confidence bit by by and friendships will bloom from there. And again please please don't jump into a relationship as that is rarely the answer.
Obvious_Armadillo_16@reddit (OP)
What about the feeling that even if you make a friend they have already have loads of other friends?
Capital-Squirrel3522@reddit
Yes I know exactly that feeling. You can't change that and just because someone has friends already it doesn't matter, don't let that put you off. Make an effort for small talk, sometimes it's just small talk to past the time, sometimes you may gel with someone and it goes from there. You mentioned your work colleagues - is there anyone you get on easily with and can have a little small talk with? Then see if you can build up to going for a coffee or lunch.
Obvious_Armadillo_16@reddit (OP)
Yeah I noticed with the colleagues I sometimes go to dinner with after work I didn't try very hard. I was just myself and friendly. I'm friendly with everyone at work but the ones I went out with naturally gravitated towards me. I didn't speak to them with the goal to eventually socialise after work
ellie___@reddit
I'm a 25 year old woman in a similar situation. Just terrible at making friends, always have been. Realised that my two friends from back home aren't good for me either which is sad as I've known them since I was 9.
Have you tried bumble bff? I have two friends off there, but most people who use it aren't as keen to make friends as they claim. Still maybe worth a try.
Don't try to use relationships/ marriage as a substitute for friends. A LTR is a good goal, but friends are important too.
DM me if you want a chat some time.
spanakopita555@reddit
When you say that people have their own plans at the weekend, you need to be proactive to get into their calendar. It doesn't need to be complicated. Just ask a couple of colleagues to go to brunch and get it booked in advance. Unfortunately you do need to do a bit of work to put yourself out there - not many people have others chasing after them all the time.
I also wonder if your siblings could connect you to their friends?
My final recommendation would be to work with a therapist. You make a lot of statements about people not liking you, not involving you, not wanting to get to know you. These probably need some examination.
Obvious_Armadillo_16@reddit (OP)
I don't want to be so pushy at work to get them to hang out with me. If it were for a leaving do or something like that then yes. The days that I have attended after work events are like this though. However my entire weekend is free and I don't expect colleagues to hang with me when they have their own lives. My family works on the weekend or hanging out with their partners whereas I am alone. I do do things alone like gym and shopping but I'm sick of being alone
spanakopita555@reddit
I think you are getting in your own way. It's not pushy to ask people to do something with you. That's how to make friends.
Obvious_Armadillo_16@reddit (OP)
Please read the last paragraph of my post. I have tried before
spanakopita555@reddit
You tried once, with someone who was not a regular acquaintance. Again, a therapist would be able to help you unpick this black and white thinking.
Obvious_Armadillo_16@reddit (OP)
Even if they were not, isn't that a way to become regular acquaintances or even a friend? She was very reluctant but when we were out she seemed completely different and rlly enjoyed my company. I'm not sure what went wrong
spanakopita555@reddit
Did you ask her to go out again? Have you reached out recently?
Obvious_Armadillo_16@reddit (OP)
No this was two years ago now. I didn't contact her again bc I found her extreme hesitation and delay before we went out strange. I took it as a sign that she was not eager to see me. The fact that she didn't reach out herself proved to me that she didn't want to see me again. It's like I forced her to come out with me
space_rhinos@reddit
I would move, ‘a burn the boats type action’. To find a good friends you first have to find yourself. And this can generally only be done when you have to tackle problems living away from childhood homes. It’s sounds to me very similar to how I was a couple of years ago. Living with my parents, unable to make good friends people at work didn’t really wanna hang out etc. I moved to Germany for a year and then when I returned my life changed for the better dramatically and the change happened quickly. People were super keen to hang out with me and see me. I had much better connections with people I later became very good friends with. I hope this helps and remember you aren’t alone in these feelings, plenty of people in the Gen are feeling the effects of isolation via social media etc.
Obvious_Armadillo_16@reddit (OP)
Thank you for your comment. Do you mean that when came back from Germany, you returned to your hometown? Why do you think it changed as that's interesting. I'm thinking it's hard to integrate in a hometown when you're not already integrated
space_rhinos@reddit
I think that I relaxed as a person. I felt like had a much broader horizon and understanding of myself. I carried more confidence into social situations and was able to get myself out the house to new things more often (this meant I would meet people constantly). When I returned I actually went on to go and study/work my dream job and made some of the best friends (which I still have and love dearly now).
I also got good at just turning up to things on my own. Weather it be run clubs, cafes, concerts or solo trips abroad. I put less pressure on every interaction I had (the I have to make this person be my friend mentality I used to carry).
Importantly I became more self aware and calm around dealing with my own problems and short comings in a self friendly way. I felt really free.
Obvious_Armadillo_16@reddit (OP)
Thank you for your comment - that makes a lot of sense. I also had the "you need to be my friend" mentality when I was younger but I definitely think this has gone now. I've grown up a bit now and I don't want to be friends with every person I speak to. Even my colleagues that I go to dinner with after work naturally come up to me and chat without me chasing them. It feels natural. But I don't have that in my personal life and I feel like they'd be shocked to know that.
I do want to travel. That's something I couldn't do when I was younger bc poor background. Now it's more time constraints and stuff as I don't want to solo travel
Zackhario@reddit
I'll give it to you straight, I don't think you'll ever be happy in a place you're living in, it's very hard to meet new people in a small town/ village, especially if you haven't fit in already. It has been a case for lot of young people and they usually move to bigger towns / cities for more opportunities. Tale as old as time.
Obvious_Armadillo_16@reddit (OP)
Thank you for this. You are right it is hard to meet new people and integrate in a small town when I don't fit in already. I know people do this but in my culture it's v uncommon to move out before marriage and I want to live with either my parents or my partner (which I don't have)
Zackhario@reddit
I get it, I'm trying to find a place in a bigger town myself where I can travel to my relatives and work. If I were you, I would have a conversation with your parents and tell them how you feel, compromise with them and go from there. You can't always get everything at once but one step at a time.
ThatIsMe11@reddit
Do you work in your small town or in the city? And what is it you do?
Obvious_Armadillo_16@reddit (OP)
I work in the city and I travel an hour in. Sometimes I do do after work stuff with my colleagues which I enjoy. However they're not available on the weekends when I'm alone as they have their own lives - family and friends they hang with.
I work in an office
ThatIsMe11@reddit
Okay that’s good. You sound like a good person and the fact that you do enjoyable stuff with colleagues shows that you are a likeable person. You’ve mentioned in a few of the replies that you want a partner. Are you trying to find one at all? Are you on any dating apps? In terms of friends I think you just have to do something. It can be hard to do, especially if you’re slightly introverted, but if you go do an activity or go to a club and it doesn’t work and you don’t meet anyone you like all you’ve lost is an hour of your time. The hardest part is just forcing yourself to do it. What sort of activities would you enjoy?
Obvious_Armadillo_16@reddit (OP)
Yes I do want a partner. I want companionship and new family members. I joined an app a month ago and this weekend I've been trauma dumped. I really liked a guy and thought he liked me. He told me that there is someone from his past that he cannot forget and that he can't move forward with me bc of this. I was completely blindsided and I wasn't expecting it all. That was my first interaction with the opposite gender in a romantic sense since high school where the boys I liked used to make fun of me and one of them said they'd be embarrassed to be seen with me in public
ThatIsMe11@reddit
Sorry to hear that but you will get people like that I’m afraid. Don’t take it personally and when using apps don’t expect anyone you meet to go well. You’ll then get a pleasant surprise when it does go well (because it will eventually). It will take a while though so don’t expect it to be super quick
Obvious_Armadillo_16@reddit (OP)
After that experience I don't want to speak to anyone new. But I still want a partner. I felt so sad when he revealed that to me, I thought why me??
One_Shopping_707@reddit
You can try talk to people online or do other hobbies within your city. Do you have anything that will keep your mind occupied like watching TV, gaming, sports, travelling etc.
Obvious_Armadillo_16@reddit (OP)
I do sometimes speak to people online but I want real life connections. I do watch TV and shows. I'm not interested in gaming or sports. I've never travelled before and I don't want to solo travel. I'd like to go with my mother but she has other priorities/time commitments which means she can't
One_Shopping_707@reddit
To me it seems like that you need a partner more than anything and you feel left behind due to other people getting married and having kids but you are still young. You can try dating if you really want connection but I wouldn't rush anything.
Obvious_Armadillo_16@reddit (OP)
I do want to get married. I want companionship and new family members. I recently spoke to my first potential and he has trauma dumped me. He said he cannot get over his ex and that he can't move forward with me. He turned completely cold and nasty to me and I still feel numb.
One_Shopping_707@reddit
Yeh you should take that as a positive as if you were to get married then you be with someone who will be like that. Do you know how lucky you are to be single. I regret getting married but that's another story
Obvious_Armadillo_16@reddit (OP)
Please tell me how I am lucky. All I see around me are couples and I envy their companionship. I understand that every relationship has its own problems but atleast they have a partner that is attracted to them and they come home to
Rough-Sprinkles2343@reddit
Sorry to hear.
My advice, you need to go out of your comfort zone. Move out. Go to a city. You’re young. Get a new job, find what interests you and go to clubs in the city to enjoy your interests/hobbies.
Obvious_Armadillo_16@reddit (OP)
Thank you for your comment. The only people I feel are genuinely interested and care for me are my parents and I don't want to leave them. Even my siblings do not ask about my life but they only use me to vent to about their own lives
I would move out but I need a person - a partner or a friend. I don't want to be alone.
Disastrous-Place-846@reddit
You need to focus on your own well being not your parents (they are probably fine, and might appreciate you moving out)
Obvious_Armadillo_16@reddit (OP)
Sorry I didn't mean it that way. They are very capable and don't rely on me. It is more I need them in my life. It's not very common in my culture for girls to move out before marriage and tbh apart from the space, it's not something that interests me. I need people around me and I need social interaction. I would rather live my parents as well than anyone else
Disastrous-Place-846@reddit
I guess you could look at moving to a city and doing a house share. But thats a risk - but you can always fall back on your parents if you don't like it.
You gotta take a leap and change your surroundings though, the only person who can change it is you.
Obvious_Armadillo_16@reddit (OP)
I've heard so many horror stories about housewares from uni and work. People who don't live with their family live with their friends or partner which I don't have
Disastrous-Place-846@reddit
Yeah that's why I said it's a risk. If you move to a city alone you can get involved in more groups/hobbies that way and meet people though
Standard-Still-8128@reddit
Charity work make friends there, get a dog great company an take it to dog training or dog walking classes you'll meet more people
Responsible_News577@reddit
That's a crying shame, from your post you sound like a nice, friendly young woman. Is there no clubs, night schools or similar near you that you could join and meet people, even a gym. Good luck..
Obvious_Armadillo_16@reddit (OP)
Thank you. I've already graduated and am working. I can make friends easily at work and people say I'm funny. However they all have their own plans on the weekend with their own friends and family which I understand. I do go to the gym but again that's quite an isolating hobby. People don't want to rlly be bothered at the gym and when I see friends at the gym it's clear they already know each other and joined together
Questjon@reddit
I find volunteer work is a good way to start and even if it doesn't work at least you're doing a bit of good in the world to feel positive about.
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