Are there any Kiwis here who chose to stay in the UK to raise kids and start a life, rather than move home to NZ? How are you doing? Would you do it differently if you had a do-over?
Posted by PeterlovesMommy@reddit | AskUK | View on Reddit | 10 comments
My partner is from NI, and we have a toddler. Family is starting to feel very far away these days and we are after that feeling of being settled. I would love to hear from kiwis that chose to stay and settle. What helped? What made it hard? Do you have any regrets? And if you are happy, how did you come to stop feeling any guilt for family missing you and your kids?
Wooden-Attention-261@reddit
Why aren't you seeking support from NI? Your partner is British and his community is all around you, why is he after "that feeling of being settled"?
Rabbit-1989@reddit
Not a kiwi but an Aussie. I went through a lot of mixed feelings. I've been here for 11 years now and have been back to Australia 3 times since then (a big reason for this was due to COVID, pregnancy and then finances). At first I really believed that moving back was the only viable option and the only way to feel truly settled. I had twins in 2019 and the first few years with them was extremely lonely and difficult. I had times of feeling profoundly homesick and the lack of family support really weighed on me. When I took the kids to visit for the first time in 2023, I completely believed I would arrive and my feelings about moving back would be confirmed. However, in reality the complete opposite occurred. I actually really felt like moving back wouldn't really matter. It was more the deep feelings of resentment towards my husband, who openly expressed not wanting to move to Aus, which had been keeping me feeling unsettled. Once I can to realise this and accepted that Australia would always be there no matter what and that actually, I love England and would miss living here, I was able to make plans and settle down here. I think the bot knowing if the grass is greener was always what was holding me back. When I returned and everything was pretty much the same as it always had been, I really thought about what I WANTED not just WHERE I would be.
In terms of regrets, I wish I had more opportunities to visit - my parents are getting older and I've missed out on most of my nieces and nephews lives. I miss my family and my bear friend. I miss the comfort of REALLY knowing somewhere. I grieved a lot of that. I'll never get it back. I'll never raise my small children alongside the people I love most and share those special birthdays and Christmases with them.
I also resent the cost of living here, the classism, the darkness in winter, that my kids are "British" and have almost no connection to Australian culture and herritage...there are many things. I think my main thing is not having enough opportunities to visit. After being here for over a decade, I now feel English. I'm "out of the loop" with Aus and honestly, I'm ok with it now.
Long rant but, I hope that helps.
foreverrfernweh@reddit
What's wrong with that?
Mediocre-Spell-6090@reddit
I don't think she meant being British is bad. It's having a different childhood to hers. Different than the Aussie way of growing up I guess.
Conscious_Ring_9855@reddit
Nothing at all, but growing up in aus I would imagine aus children would have been the expectation
Icy_Bit_403@reddit
Did you relationship survive that realisation okay? It sounds like you didn't really get a lot of a choice; did you realise your husband felt that strongly before you moved to live in the UK?
Broad-Section-8310@reddit
Yes it sucks to have family 25 hours away (29 now due to certain somebody's war).
Nothing much helped except time. Let's face it, UK climate is a colder and more miserable version of NZ, and people are much less laid-back than folks at home. I don't travel much, so the proximity to the rest of Europe was not that helpful either.
Becoming part of the community over time does help though. Tried hard to integrate, and built a family too. Now it is hard to let this all go and start another a life back there.
Family being too far. And not having feijoa. Seriously considering growing a couple of trees here.
On one hand, no regrets. NZ does not value knowledge or an economy based on it, full stop. I will be unemployed the moment I land back there.
On the other hand, I think about letting this all go and just move back without any plans every day.
There is unfortunately no way around this. Calling parents over is difficult since they are pushing 70s now and made it clear to me that a 25+ hour journey would kill them. I dedicate nearly all of my annual leaves on seeing them every year or two. Children seem to enjoy suffering long flights for whatever reasons.
wongl888@reddit
Can they take a relaxing cruise from NZ to the UK?
whichwaysouth@reddit
It was fun while we were young, but with the way the world is heading, and a little one in tow we think about going home every day.
5 year plan is to sell up and move back.
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