What, where you live, is viewed as the mark of good hospitality?
Posted by supremewuster@reddit | AskAnAmerican | View on Reddit | 79 comments
Americans are amazingly hospitable and friendly! Curious what you or those around you take as the mark of proper hospitality for guests or when hosting a party or dinner
I was tempted to ask what "Americans" see as hospitable but I am thinking it may depend on region.
AdministrationTop772@reddit
I'm in a suburb of DC. The mark of good hospitality is to offer a glass of wine and not ask right away "so what do you do?"
PeanutterButter101@reddit
Respecting other people's time.
Traditional_wolf_007@reddit
offering food to guests, whether expected or not, regardless of who they are, where they come from, or why they are there. If they've come along way, and you can provide one, people often invite people a place to sleep. You might also help them with something, whether it's helping them fix their car or offering them a jacket.
RotationSurgeon@reddit
There are many hospitality customs in the southeastern US which in my experience aren’t as common in other parts of the US. One of the biggest being that you always offer a guest (workers like lawn service, builders, etc. working on your property too) a cold beverage (non-alcoholic, frequently water, sweetened orange pekoe black tea served over ice, or lemonade). It’s quite hot and humid here for much of the year, and it’s a near-universally appreciated gesture and the offer is usually accepted.
VioletJackalope@reddit
I was born in the north but have lived in the south most of my life, and “southern hospitality” is very much a real thing in the smaller towns like mine. If you get invited to a party where many of the guests are from the homeowner’s family and you don’t really know anyone very well, it’s like they make a special point of helping you feel as at home and included as possible.
freddbare@reddit
MYOB!
GandalfTheShmexy@reddit
I know BYOB but what's the M?
freddbare@reddit
Mind your biz
Spirited-Way2406@reddit
Cold climate with frequent foul weather.
In winter, keep a broom by the door for removing snow from boots. Show them where the coats are hung up and let them know whether it is boots on or boots off in your home. Invite them to sit and let them know where the bathroom (toilet room, loo) is. Offer a hot or cold drink, depending on season, and always ask if they have eaten. (Never exclude a guest from family meals--that is like telling them you would prefer them to vanish immediately and never return. Go without food yourself before you make a guest sit there and watch other people eat!)
Even a workman receives the same courtesy, minus the sitting down. If you are working in one part of the house while I am cooking in another, I'm going to offer to make you a covered paper plate to take home. Drinks are in the fridge.
that-Sarah-girl@reddit
Have something available that accommodates every guest's dietary restrictions, allergies, etc. Provide at least one non-alcoholic drink option.
DGlen@reddit
Want a drink? As soon as you enter the door.
No-Profession422@reddit
My wife is Asian. Anytime a visitor comes by food, drinks and gossip is mandatory.
olde_meller23@reddit
Can confirm. I'll drive all the way to the other side of town if the tea is hot. I want to hear about your cousin's cheating ass husband, or how your one uncle doesn't have kids yet bc his weiner doesn't work. I thrive on pearl clutching news.
GreenBeanTM@reddit
It depends on region but also demographic and thing being hosted. In college when my friends and I would hang out and play board games I was the good host because I lived in a suite so we didn’t have to hope a common room was empty or cram into someone’s dorm. People in their 30’s hosting a dinner party would probably be considered a good host for having a couple bottles of wine.
olde_meller23@reddit
Offering to take your coat to hang it up in the closet or on a hook.
Giving you the "grand tour" of the house.
If guests are staying overnight, let them know they can feel free to shower and throw in a load of laundry. This is especially important if you are hosting touring musicians.
Obviously, food, water, and alcoholic beverages.
When the guests are ready to leave, you begin the leaving ritual by walking them to the door and gradually to their car while chatting. The ritual is concluded by saying "drive safe. Watch out for deer." Some folks may also offer to check the air in your tires or fix you a plate to go. If its hunting season, you may leave with a generous portion of venison. This can take anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 hours and is known as the Wisconsin goodbye.
LABELyourPHOTOS@reddit
Oh ! The tour! You have to tell me more about this. This has happened to me in the mid-west and it feels wild as a New Englander.
Here we show fridge/bar/food and bathroom -- but not like other rooms.
olde_meller23@reddit
It is all of these things, plus the bedrooms either because we have cool art or records in there, or it is a sideways way of asking someone who fixes stuff how to fix something that is broken in there, it could just be a segue into a story about how you got a great deal on the bed frame (especially if you know the guest is in the market for furniture), or simply to let them know this is where the homeowners stay in case something is needed at all during the stay. If there is a lot of people, we also put coats in there when all the hooks and closets become full. It's also offered if the guest needs to breastfeed, have a private call, lay down because they aren't feeling well, or take a nap themselves or with the children if it's getting late.
Ive shown people my basement too if it's finished or just really old and cool. In the Midwest it is common to have root cellars in your home, so we might keep an extra fridge and freezer down there, or have a set up going on for a hobby. We used to grow culinary mushrooms and brew beer in ours. It is also where the laundry is bc you never know when someone is going to spill something on themselves and need to throw in a load.
For overnight guests, the spare room is usually offered. If it's kids rooms, it's usually to show off what your kid is into these days or introduce them tonthe guests. It's never invasive, like we don't open up all the drawers or anything.
It's part stuff we think people might find interesting, part utilitarian, and part making sure guests know and can feel comfortable in a new place.
It's funny you mention new England, because both my husband and I are from the Midwest and put people up on the reg. We moved to the east coast and have gotten some bewildered looks for doing this. I thought it was something everyone did, lol.
Downtown_Confusion46@reddit
Minnesota raised here and I for sure give people “the tour” here in California (30 years away from Minnesota) and I can tell most of them think it’s weird.
bananabuckette@reddit
Raised by southern parents, always offering food or drink, if my friends were over we would always ask to if they were hungry and have them stay for dinner if they wanted.
As a guest tasking off your shoes, keeping your things tidy when over, and offering to clean up and put up any food that was made.
stuck_behind_a_truck@reddit
But the shoes are family dependent. We have hard floors that would become a fall hazard with socks. We never ask people to take off their shoes. And bare feet on the floors would be seen as weird.
LABELyourPHOTOS@reddit
We have all hardwoods and people take their shoes off. If someone was maybe elderly and infirm? I mean my in-laws take their shoes off and they are in their 80s.
And my housekeeper keeps the floors shiny and amazing - but i think they are so shiny because no one ever wears shoes!
stuck_behind_a_truck@reddit
I’m not elderly but I am a fall hazard. I can’t successfully navigate hard floors in socks. Something about my gait is off and I will slip. I wear water/barefoot shoes at home to have a good grip without losing foot strength.
Too many people have unknown issues and I have a robot vacuum/ mop that cleans every other day. I’m in Southern California, so there are fewer weather issues that get tracked into the house (snow, salt, ice, mud).
ITrCool@reddit
This is 100% correct.
Some may see offering drinks to guests as that mark. Others may see offering them to make themselves at home that mark. Yet others may see showing them around the house as that mark. Just depends on where you go.
likemy10thaccount@reddit
And others won't shut up until you eat. Then when you're full, they make you eat just a bit more.
But before all that happens, you have to do the customary "oh no I'm okay right now" twice.
stuck_behind_a_truck@reddit
That was the most Midwestern response ever.
benkatejackwin@reddit
My Midwestern family went to visit my southern family. We didn't want to be rude showing up expecting to be fed, so we ate before. They had made a 19-dish spread and insisted we eat enough to feed small army. It was delicious, but I thought I was going to die.
stuck_behind_a_truck@reddit
My reply was more about the tone of the comment. Never be assertive. Fall back on “Midwestern nice.” It was a layered contrast brought out my inner sociologist.
The thing I’m learning from this thread as a Californian, is that I’m probably going to have to keep sweet tea on hand when I move to the south. An abomination for those of us in the west, but I don’t want to insist on my way.
supremewuster@reddit (OP)
Great story
Western-Willow-9496@reddit
My grandmother’s generation (midwestern) would do that for door to door salesman or evangelists.
likemy10thaccount@reddit
Say hi to your folks for me, eh?
the_owl_syndicate@reddit
Here in the south, offering food and drinks (usually ice tea). I've even seen people offering lost strangers looking for directions and jehovahs witnesses proselytizing door to door ice tea on hot summer days.
Chemical-Mix-6206@reddit
Yeah, I ask JWs if they need to use the bathroom & give them a bottle of water to get them out the door. Not interested in their spiel, but let 'em see that atheists are decent humans, too.
Anyone that passes my doorway is offered a beverage and at least a snack. Hey, I was just getting ready to cut up an apple - want some?
dobbydisneyfan@reddit
Heavily depends on who the person is and the context. I wouldn’t expect my good friend to offer me food or a drink and in fact if they had, I’d instantly assume we weren’t actually that close. If I’m at a friend’s house, I better be able to serve myself because that means we’re family.
Hot-Fact-3250@reddit
New Orleans area, but Cajun family
You ALWAYS start a pot of coffee.
I also always have a little something a little sweet. If I don’t have dessert on hand, I almost always have pre portioned cookies in the freezer that I can pull out and bake off a few really quickly.
ReeMayRe@reddit
if I host I make the house cozy, provide plenty of good food and drinks, nice music. If I go to someone's house, I always bring something like wine, dessert, maybe a little house gift
Impulse2915@reddit
A guest to my home, I offer at least a glass of water, or a beer depending on time and the guest. If a prolonged stay, I assume I will prepare a meal for them.
somecow@reddit
Just have drinks (still gotta bring your own though), plenty of snacks (no awkward “sit at table at the same time” stuff). Bring your dog. Leave the kids at home (babysitting exists).
A proper dinner party though, we’re doing it restaurant style, and I’m buying, cooking, cleaning. Not entirely selfless, just a chance to show off.
Castronautik@reddit
I'd say it depends on the reason for a visit, and length of visit.
But, if I'm going to friends for atleast a few hours, good hospitality would be food of some sorts, either just snacks to graze on, or some sort of meal if the hours are in normal meal times.
Great hospitality would also have drinks covered, but usually we know to bring our own.
A clean house / yard. If I'm coming over for a BBQ or a yard party, the grass should be mowed, dog poop should be scooped, weird stuff in the yard should be picked up. Hopefully there are chairs or be told to bring your own.
If I'm coming inside the house, it should be fairly kept up, swept/vacuumed, clean toilet, not a lot of dirty dishes near the sink. Hopefully pet hair has been tried to be cleaned up and the couches lint rolled to try and collect. I wouldn't say it needs to be spotless or look like proffesionals came in to clean, just that some effort was given to make sure it feels clean.
This might sound obvious but its came up but having enough Plates/Bowls/Dishes for the event. Went to an ice cream party once and there wasn't enough bowls or spoons for more than 4 people, with like 15 people attending.
Louisianimal09@reddit
Being born and raised in Louisiana, hospitality was being included or including others as a member of the family. If my friends slept over my dad would order pizza for all of us, he’d take us to a movie, encourage me to invite friends over etc. etc. and my friend’s parents did the same. I was always included in my friend’s family affairs too. Invited to their Christmas party, I got a gift, made me feel like I had brothers and sisters as an only child
mephistopholese@reddit
As long as you aren’t a colored person in the south. Or wear a head scarf… in the south… or just generally aren’t from the south and go to the south… people love to talk about southern charm/hospitality but if they find out your different in any way, that eggs real quick. Oh no your lgbtq+? We don’t want to associate with devil worshippers.
VanDenBroeck@reddit
“Keep your blue state crap outta here” is an attitude I’ve heard expressed more than once. It’s pathetic.
TechnologyDragon6973@reddit
This is a take you only find on Reddit.
Personal-Presence-10@reddit
Um I’m from the south and still live here in a smallish town. I’d say half of my friends are lgbt/minority and the other half are hetero whites and oh my, we all hang out together. I’ve had different diverse friend groups through high school, college, military, and now in my smallish town that is Ozark adjacent. And not because I sought out diversity but because it was there and people interact, for the most part, very respectfully with each other. The most casually racist shit I ever heard was when I was in the plains and Midwest. Check out Idaho as well. Mainly because in some of those areas there’s very minimal real life interaction with people much different from them. All they know is what they see on tv or online which is sensationalist. I ran into that a lot in places in the Midwest outside of big cities. They’d make a racist comment so casually or state an assumption about an entire race so assuredly it blew my mind. And no one would bat an eye. I’d push back on it but it was pointless usually because they had no personal day-to-day interaction with the people they’d be talking about. They had their ideas from something they watched or heard and no personal experiences at all to counteract it.
Lurkalope@reddit
Y'all say this shit like Southern = white. Black people are a substantial demographic in the deep South. And yes there are racists in the South but we absolutely do not have a monopoly on bigotry. Racist southerners just don't hide their racism, while racist whites elsewhere pretend to love diversity as they continue to effectively redline school districts.
North_Local_9822@reddit
This isn’t true. I’m an African American who spends a lot of time in Tupelo. Also, the major cities are great…Atlanta, Memphis, and Birmingham are awesome cities.
Madness_and_Mayhem@reddit
But the traffic 🤮
BuildNuyTheUrbanGuy@reddit
This isn't true and is more likely in Idaho than Atlanta suburbs.
xnatlywouldx@reddit
You should try going to one of the many, many cities that exist in the south, which are pretty liberal, before you stereotype everyone.
lisasimpsonfan@reddit
If you come to my house I am going to offer you something to drink and to eat. I am going to make sure you are OK with dogs and cats if it is your first time visiting. I have a dog and a cat who both just love people and will love if you pet them but I understand not everyone is Ok with that.
Practical-Ordinary-6@reddit
The last person on earth is a minority in the world so that doesn't really make a lot of sense. The whole meaning of minority is location dependent
VanDenBroeck@reddit
“Keep your blue state crap outta here” is an attitude I’ve heard expressed more than once. It’s pathetic.
GandalfTheShmexy@reddit
I feel like this is covered by "no politics at the dinner table". If someone doesn't want to talk about politics then don't, though sometimes it's unavoidable but in that case save it for after eating
PacSan300@reddit
“I am hospitable!”
*Terms and conditions apply
Madness_and_Mayhem@reddit
Same but in reverse
No-Fix-614@reddit
Making people feel comfortable without them having to ask, offering food and drinks, checking in on them, and not letting them feel like an outsider in your space
GandalfTheShmexy@reddit
-Offering food and drinks to guests. if it's a dinner party then not making people bring stuff while also being accommodating if people do bring food/drink
-having a clean/tidy home, but not so clean that the guest feels like a disruption
-Not making it a big deal if people show up later than the agreed upon time
after this it depends on the people you have over. sports guys want a sport to watch, nerds want games to play, etc
cozybear3636@reddit
For context I live in Philly. Bringing food or wine to an event. One time my brothers roommate didn’t bring anything to my family’s thanksgiving and they still talk about it to this day. It was like 7 years ago. I guess some other things if you stay at someone’s house you make the bed in the morning. I feel like this is a hard question because it’s so normal I might not realize what’s considered hospitality. I think southerns have more rules on hospitality.
Personal-Presence-10@reddit
Not really. I think we can just go a little overboard with it but same basic ideas. If it’s a prearranged plan there will always be food and drink to offer. If it’s a surprise visit you’ll offer what you have but at minimum offer to get something to drink. If you’re coming over for a meal a small gift like flowers or a candle or wine (depending on if the people in the house drink, some major Christian denominations don’t in the south) or if it’s a big meal like a holiday dinner bring a side dish or dessert. Offering to help with clean up after the meal (most likely will be turned down though) and leaving things like you found them. You’ll know you’re really close friends with a southern person when you’re NOT offered food or drink (because you can just go get it out of the fridge yourself) and you’re not turned down to help with clean up. Because then we’re really treating you like family. I guess the difference is most people define hospitality as treating the guests like family but in the south it’s more defined as treating the guest like royalty or rolling out the red carpet type of vibes if that makes sense.
HermioneMarch@reddit
Inviting them into your home for a drink and snack
Accomplished_Mix7827@reddit
Growing up in the Midwest, you're expected to tell guests to make themselves comfortable/at home, show them where the bathroom is if they ask, and offer them something to drink. You should not eat in front of them without offering them the same food. If they seem cold, you should offer them a blanket. You should either take their coat or show them where to put it, if applicable. You should not leave them unattended for more than a couple of minutes.
It's acceptable to ask guests to take off their shoes if you'd like, and you are not expected to provide slippers. Guests are only allowed in the living room, dining room, and guest bathroom by default, although they may be invited into other areas. You are expected to walk them to the door when they leave, and there's usually a further chat on the porch before they leave. It's considered rude to rush guests out without a good reason (e.g. you need to leave for another engagement)
Ok-Walk-8040@reddit
Taking you shoes off before you walk around the house at a party. Unless it’s like a formal party where you have dress shoes.
It’s just courtesy because the shoes can be dirty
DonMn763@reddit
I would never ask my guests to take off their shoes in my house. If they want to, that's fine, whatever makes them comfortable. But I've never asked them and never will.
xnatlywouldx@reddit
I think its fine for people to specify whether they allow shoes inside or not especially if you live somewhere cold during winter months but its not hospitality. In fact, its the opposite of hospitality - its a demand you're placing on your guests, as soon as they come into your house. Its like you aren't even allowed to go tell people hi or pet the cats or whatever before your shoes come off.
cozybear3636@reddit
In Philly I’d say it’s 50/50 sometimes people take off their shoes sometimes they don’t. In NYC I’ve noticed that it’s an absolute rule and social fuck up if you don’t take off your shoes.
xnatlywouldx@reddit
People are entitled to house rules but how is this *hospitality*? Hospitality is about prioritizing your guest's comfort, not your own.
OpposumMyPossum@reddit
I live in Massachusetts and have a big home / outdoor entertainment area so lots of the parties are at my house. I also have house guests a few times a year.
Considering people's diets and preferences. I've got guests that are vegetarian, vegan, allergies, etc. Having lots of choices and never run out of food. I bake a lot so usually have something in case someone drops in.
I always have a cocktail of the day made along with other drinks at parties. I also have a few non drinkers so mocktail/decaf coffee/no alcohol beer avail.
Just considering basically every aspect of other people's comfort.
ExposedId@reddit
If guests are coming over, we normally have a snack available (some combination of: cheese, crackers, fruit, veggies, nuts, chips, dip) and stuff to make cocktails on the counter. Dietary requirements are always considered. We’ll tell people where to put their stuff (especially if they are staying with us). We might have a gift or two if this is someone who is flying in to see us.
Guests are expected to be themselves, take their shoes off, not smoke indoors, and not be assholes. I don’t want someone picking a fight with me in my home or poking around in our bedroom. I don’t mind them seeing the sex toys if they really want - but we have a small place with limited storage, so there are some piles of books and laundry that hasn’t been put away yet.
shammy_dammy@reddit
It depends on a lot of things...region, temperament....
jessipowers@reddit
“Hi! Come on in! Did you eat?”
A casual, welcoming, “you’re just one of the family” attitude and food. Always food.
Madness_and_Mayhem@reddit
Good friends after the third visit know, the fridge is there, the bar is over there and the bathroom is over there, help yourself and feel at home.
BitchWidget@reddit
Beer or good iced tea, depending on the company.
Traditional_Trust418@reddit
If you don't offer you guest at least something to drink, you are an asshole
Pleasant_Pen8744@reddit
You mean "what you live in and where you live"?
Boring_Investigator0@reddit
I actually wouldn't be surprised if this didn't vary by region. You let people into your home, you offer them a seat. You get them a drink and ask if they're hungry or need to use the bathroom. You ask them how they're doing. It's pretty simple really. If the weather is great and you're already outside, you may just ask if they want to join you but then the rest stays the same.
Witty-Stand888@reddit
Hosting anything is being hospitable in in of itself. Treating everyone well including staff equally is the mark of "proper hospitality."
justmyusername47@reddit
We serve some type of drink and some type of food any time someone stops by. For a party or a holiday we plan enough food for those coming plus 10-15 more. Id be embarrassed if someone left my house hungry. Basically food is love amongst my friend group.
Reasonable_Wasabi124@reddit
Offering a drink or snack
Dry-Tomorrow8531@reddit
1 Feeding people
Offering alcohol, extended discussions about family/friends, politics, and outdoor sports, when offering food offering with the expectation there is "open amount" as in there is no "too much", also a fire is nice but obviously weather dependent and if the function is outside.
K04free@reddit
Guests generally not expected to bring anything, although most good guest would bring bottle of wine.
Catering to dietary restrictions (vegan / vegetarian).
Not forcing people to eat more, although older generations might encourage you to keep eating.
Keeping conversation topics “safe” away from religion, politics. Americans have a pretty low tolerance for disagreement, especially younger generations.
Host would never ask for people to pay, or send payment request after the fact.