ULPT: Drivers will yield to dog poo bags

Posted by 1fish2fish3fish4fish@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 72 comments

I live in a quiet residential neighborhood with no crosswalks. The only traffic is during school drop-off and pickup for the nearby elementary school. When I walk my dog in the mornings the drivers almost never yield when we cross the street, even swerving around us to avoid slowing down when we’re already in the road. One day I was crossing and making eye contact with a driver who was not braking and I got so frustrated I cocked my arm like I was going to throw a full dog poo bag at him. He slammed on the brakes immediately. Apparently people are more concerned about getting dog poo on their windshield than human blood. People probably call me the crazy dog poo lady but I feel like I’ve unlocked a superpower.

TLDR; get drivers to yield by threatening them with dog poo. It’s easier than carrying a brick but seems just as effective.

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rusmo@reddit

Hey crazy dog poo lady, please have your dog poop in your yard

your neighbors with kids who don’t want poop smeared grass in their yards.

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Better-Lunch670@reddit

Get a hose and get hosed

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rusmo@reddit

Really better for everyone if you just let your dog poop in your yard and then take it for a walk. It’s not asking a lot.

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Traditional_Money305@reddit

Why is it that people who have never owned a dog always find it necessary to offer suggestions on how to care for one????

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Apprehensive_Hat8986@reddit

That's often not how dogs work. And given that dogs can't be made to not shit when they need to, do you really want to piss off the few people that at least pick it up?

I get your anger. I hate the people who don't pick up, and the ones who fake it (bag it and then leave it or worse hide it). But picking a fight with the folks doing the right thing? That ain't going to garner you allies.

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rusmo@reddit

I get “accidents” but I’m speaking to the people who walk out their front door with their dog and let it routinely shit six houses down the street.

I’m no canine scientist but I’ve heard dogs respond well to positive reinforcement and classical conditioning. I did grow up with 7 dogs over the years and letting them out to shit and then rewarding them with a walk worked pretty damned well.

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Better-Lunch670@reddit

Let me know when you figure out how to get a dog to shit on demand. Fucking idiot

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Drunkenaviator@reddit

If you don't want people walking by your property, buy property out in a rural area. Otherwise shut the fuck up and live in society.

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rusmo@reddit

If you can’t realize how uncivilized it is to let your animal defecate outside of your property, it’s you who should be insulated from society.

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Drunkenaviator@reddit

You are an idiot. You need to think about the stupidity you're spewing here and really take a step back and think if that's the kind of person you want to be. There's a reason you're getting downvoted into oblivion. That's because you're a fucking moron. Shut up.

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1fish2fish3fish4fish@reddit (OP)

She always gets let out in the yard before the walk, just doesn’t always take advantage. And technically the strip between the sidewalk and the street belongs to the city, so she’s not pooping in your yard either.

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Odd-Priority3318@reddit

Walking stimulates the dog to poo. End of story. Some people walk their dogs to potty, but then a lot of people do it because its just good for the dogs physical and mental health.

I understand his resentment, but you shouldn't feel like you need to defend walking your dogs.

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rusmo@reddit

Sounds like you’re trying, at least. Forgive me if I remain skeptical about your dog’s perfect discretion as to which side of the sidewalk they poop on.

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DivineDisassociation@reddit

That’s your fault for having cum trophies.

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rusmo@reddit

You might want to get checked for tapeworms.

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onlyTryingtoBeNice@reddit

I live in a busy part of the city and do this all the time. I live for the day I get to throw it in someone's lap.

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PomeloPepper@reddit

Someone needs to invent an airgun that launches poo bags from a safe distance.

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freelancer7216@reddit

Don't forget to light it before you pull the trigger.

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PomeloPepper@reddit

Wet poo doesn't burn. DO NOT ask how I know.

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Murky_Macropod@reddit

Tshirt cannon

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bionicallyironic@reddit

Would buy.

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1fish2fish3fish4fish@reddit (OP)

“Oops it slipped. Just like your foot slipped off the brake while you were yielding to pedestrians.”

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brainhack3r@reddit

I had a bully in HS and years later I realized that one way to deal with him would have been to go to the restroom, take a shit, smear it all over myself, then run up to him and start beating this shit out of him.

How would you even handle that because he wouldn't want to touch me since I'm covered in shit.

Plus no one would EVER fuck with you again even if you were a tiny little kid like I was.

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vonhoother@reddit

The Haida tribe's warriors dressed for battle by stripping naked and coating their bodies with red bear fat. Of course, they also knew a lot about fighting, so don't think there was anything magical about their uniform.

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brainhack3r@reddit

I just think that even if you're 2x the size of me, if I come at you trying to kill you and I'm covered in my own shit that will more than even the odds.

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vonhoother@reddit

I think somewhere in The Art of War Sun Tzu warns against depending on the squeamishness of your opponent.

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brainhack3r@reddit

It's a good point but if you're against the wall I'll take the risk.

The problem I had was that this guy just wouldn't stop bullying me so I would have had nothing to lose.

The school wasn't doing anything to prevent it so taking a stand would have been my only alternative.

The problem is I was like 100 lbs at the time and he was 250 and 6'3" or something.

Even if I lost though I doubt anyone would have messed with me again.

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TomSaylek@reddit

Thanks internet. Ive had my fill for the day.

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Oldies-But-Goodies@reddit

lol yes this. Time for bed. Jesus.

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brainhack3r@reddit

You're welcome.

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chickyloo42by10@reddit

There’s a common piece of advice given to women if they are being sexually assaulted, is to piss and shit yourself because it’s more successful at making them stop, than trying to fight back.

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Particular_Shock_554@reddit

That's why I didn't wash or change my clothes very often when I was homeless. Always wore rancid long johns under my unwashed trousers if I needed to hitchhike anywhere.

It worked pretty well.

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bionicallyironic@reddit

Vomit will work too, in a pinch.

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zamfire@reddit

The ol' vulture defense

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brainhack3r@reddit

Jesus... I didn't know that.

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Snake_Staff_and_Star@reddit

Supposed to help avoid prison rape, too.

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Apprehensive_Hat8986@reddit

Username absolutely checks out. Brilliant. 🏆

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van_isle_dude@reddit

You can't beat crazy

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martiantheory@reddit

I literally just saw somebody get hit by a car in another sub doing this. Be careful.

Remember that in the fight between cars and people… well, you know who always wins.

Don’t let the thought “I’m right“, lead you to forget that you can’t beat up a car.

A wise man once said “just wait a few fucking seconds and then cross the street after the car passes…”

It’s not worth it.

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van_isle_dude@reddit

This is ULPT. Nobody wants to hear this calm rational talk

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Knever@reddit

Yeah, who needs rationality? Much better to be the owner of a tombstone reading, "At least I was in the right."

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van_isle_dude@reddit

I was technically right, the best kind of right

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Apprehensive_Hat8986@reddit

That's largely true on Earth in general. 😒

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martiantheory@reddit

Touché 😭

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Aetheldrake@reddit

I mean why not just get a super soaker filled with piss? Leave it outside when not in use so it becomes sun baked piss.

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StraightRazzmatazz@reddit

Just walk your dog during non school pickup time? Which is 90% of the day?

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u_r_succulent@reddit

There’s a video somewhere online of an area where drivers were horrible about yielding to pedestrians so they put bricks at each crosswalk for pedestrians to carry with them. Seems to curb the problem.

Also, it’s illegal to throw things at a moving car. So just be careful about that.

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Better-Lunch670@reddit

Only illegal if you get caught

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Scherzkeks@reddit

Also the repercussions are probably better than being mowed down by a car…

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freshmantis@reddit

If someone is crazy enough to intentionally hit a pedestrian I think throwing a brick at their car will not help the situation

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1fish2fish3fish4fish@reddit (OP)

I was actually thinking about the brick! This is just a much lighter version that I’m already carrying lol

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gooeyjello@reddit

My husband's father had a brick that they tossed at me the first day I met the family. Instinctively I tried to catch it while also cowering in fear only to find out it was foam. I passed initiation I guess.

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bennytehcat@reddit

I do this in my material science class when discussing woods... I'll bring a few blocks with me to put under a small microscope in class to show the structure that we often ignore. Once in a while, tap it on the desk, "this is oak, you can hear it's dense. Almost always, someone in the front row isn't fully tuned in. "Here catch this!" and I lob a massive block of balsa in their direction to watch them absolutely panic back awake as they catch a giant block that weighs nothing.

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Mattna-da@reddit

The video I saw had fake foam bricks

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Keelback@reddit

It’s in Vancouver and just foam fake bricks. Here is a news article about it. https://dailyhive.com/vancouver/bricks-vancouver-crosswalk-pedestrian-safety

You can buy these too.

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Excel_User_1977@reddit

If they are not yielding to a pedestrian in a crosswalk, isn't that assault with a deadly weapon ... and throwing a brick is an appropriate response?

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u_r_succulent@reddit

You’re putting yourself at risk by doing so as well. They could swerve and hit you anyway while trying to avoid being hit by the object. Which is part of the reason it’s illegal. I’m not a lawyer so idk how such a case would play out in court.

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Knever@reddit

It's illegal to threaten to do so even if you don't actually do so.

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bobby5557@reddit

Get off the road

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SeriouslySlyGuy@reddit

I have gotten the opportunity to do this once.

Lady was flying down the street. Clearly wasn’t going to stop at the stop sign that my wife and I were going to cross with our two dogs.

I have a 49.7Lb staffy mix who takes rather large dumps.

Anyway the thud on the windshield of her suv was delightful.

10/10 would do again

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logic_boy@reddit

Did it explode? I’d expect the bag to be stronger and not explode.

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SeriouslySlyGuy@reddit

Yes it did

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redpukee@reddit

A lady turning left honked at me in the crosswalk one day, so I uncapped my coffee mug. In a moment of perfect timing, I laid a stream of coffee across her entire windshield.

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HerrFerret@reddit

You need a rubber brick.

Drivers are always hyper-aware of someone holding a brick.

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Mattna-da@reddit

Saw a YouTube where someone put buckets of fake foam bricks at the crosswalk for people to carry menacingly so they can get drivers to yield

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razzemmatazz@reddit

I swear I read this word for word like 2 months ago.

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1fish2fish3fish4fish@reddit (OP)

I have told a few people in real life, maybe they are spreading the good word!

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Twitch-x@reddit

After using the bag, do not tie it closed, just in case you need to throw it.