This is probably the wrong board for this but whatever I need advice from my peers re my son’s gambling addiction

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Desperate-Chip1819@reddit

Giving him another $30k to wipe out debt is enablement for an addiction, no different than continuing to give an alcoholic or drug addict money when they ask for it. If you give it to him, he'll be back for more.

You may want to talk to a counsellor/therapist for advice on this as opposed to Reddit. It's easy for people to be judgmental when they're not emotionally invested. You love your son, you want the best for him. Getting him into treatment is the best thing for him.

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unionpark1@reddit

I’d pay the minimum on his cards while he goes to get help for his gambling addiction

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CalifGirlDreaming@reddit

I wouldn’t even do that as that saves their credit. The son needs therapy and bankruptcy. My son is broke for other reasons and I had to completely cut off financial support and seeing him fail sucks. He is learning though!

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MinnesotaVibez@reddit

Great answer!

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LaceyBloomers@reddit

He needs to go to rehab.

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Designer_Floor7113@reddit

Did you not learn the last time you paid off his 30K debt?

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Primarycolors1@reddit

Wait. He’s gambling with credit cards? This doesn’t sound right. I think this is illegal in most states.

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Rekd44@reddit

He could be using the cards for cash advances.

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Primarycolors1@reddit

Holy fuck. That’s next level

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Individual_Check_442@reddit

Yes people are at that level. A friend told me that he once had someone who made six figures call him from a casino to ask him to pick him up because he didn’t have money for gas to get home. Maxed out the credit cards at the casino ATM.

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herringonthelamb@reddit

The other big thing these days is for otherwise loyal trusted small business accountants to start embezzling from the company...and bc they're in a position to conceal it the numbers get eye watering. Often over a million $$ gone to gambling before they get caught

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Anotherams@reddit

more common than you you would believe

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Rekd44@reddit

It would definitely be a desperate move. Gambling addictions are tough.

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Individual_Check_442@reddit

He may be a good man but he absolutely is asking for a bail out. How can you say he’s not? Are you in denial yourself?

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Key_Asparagus_8522@reddit

Awww. Sorry to hear that. The silent addiction that’s also legal but harder to quit than heroin. They’ll do anything to place another bet. As soon as you bail them out of debt. Then they’ll lose al their money again and steal your jewelry including wedding band because they can’t stop. At some point they’ll get credit cards in other family members names including their own kid and parents.

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esquirlo_espianacho@reddit

Damn yo. You pissed. All that happen to you?

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eatencrow@reddit

KeyAsparagus speaks the truth tho. I've seen it an uncountable number of times working in the insolvency industry.

I've seen murders and attempted murders by problem gamblers who wanted access to their parents' (and grandparents', aunts', siblings' etc) money, home equity, retirement accounts, life insurance.

When it comes to substance abuse, or domestic violence, or overeating, there are lots of resources for these types of addictions (some dispute whether DV is an addictive behavior, but the way it escalates maps on 1:1 with other addictive behaviors).

When it comes to gambling, there's not much out there in terms of institutional resources. It really falls on the individual, and the gaming companies have powerful lobbies. They are better at hacking the brain than we are. It's so difficult to stop gambling once started. The best advice, like with smoking, is never to start, and if you've started, quit - and don't quit quitting.

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Key_Asparagus_8522@reddit

There are gamblers anonymous in person and online. They follow the same steps as AA and Narcotics Anonymous. It’s the only way. It’s an addiction that’s legal and like you said there are murders and suicide.

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Key_Asparagus_8522@reddit

No did not happen to me but I’m around people who tell me stories an associate of mine told me about a family who sent their son to college and he never attended class and spent every single penny from his student loan on gambling. then went crying to his parent and came clean told them the truth.

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Key_Asparagus_8522@reddit

Oh boy. I’ve been seeing this more often lately. Now with fantasy sports and apps it only gets worse and easier for the addicted. I’m a financial planner and happened to not one but 2 clients of mine. One lost his families house after the credit card fiasco and the other family took all his wife’s jewelry and hocked it. She was lucky because her bothers threatened to kill him and they went and recovered all the jewelry. It’s very sad what these addicts do. And they don’t pay their taxes do the government is involved. A real messy situation.

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CodenameZoya@reddit

Sports gambling is going to crush young men. You are not alone. Find the gambling hotline number and ask them what to do. They are literally professionals to deal with us every day. Everyone reading this if you have young kids, you better start talking about gambling …sports gambling is going to suck kids in and ruin their lives at a very early age

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Starkville@reddit

Not just young men. I know a grown man who thinks it’s cute to let his tween daughter make bets on his app. He’s teaching her how to bet, has her look up the scores, watches the games with her, etc. I think it’s really fucked up.

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CodenameZoya@reddit

True, there are plenty of young women and older women and older men that are also in the grips of gambling, but I have worked in the casino industry, and I can tell you that they are targeting young men specifically because they are rash and ego, inflated, and easy to rip off

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102aksea102@reddit

The sheer number of sports betting commercials during professional games is sad.

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CodenameZoya@reddit

True but look at the OP. He spends most of his posts bragging about his kid and his money and zero asking how to fix it. It’s male ego. They’re going to destroy themselves.

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CliffGif@reddit (OP)

Fair. That wasn’t my intent though.

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CodenameZoya@reddit

Not your intent, but definitely your nature. Other than talking about how much money you have I wonder how many real conversations you’ve had with your kids. About health, gambling, how to treat other people.

Not conversations about how awesome you did at work, not conversations about how much money you have in the bank, but awkward, ugly, real conversations that turn kids into real decent human beings. Have you discussed your son‘s character flaws with him? Or do you just constantly tell him how great he is? Because we have to deal with these jerks on the day-to-day out here in the real world.

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Brass_Bonanza@reddit

Help him by definitively saying no. You got this.

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Zestyclose-Smell-788@reddit

I can fix your 30k problem with one click, and I've done it before. Well, must be nice. Enabling an addict is NOT helping. There has to be painful consequences, or very strong intervention, usually both. Source? Former addict here. I didn't change until I hit rock bottom. I can't imagine the pain I caused my friends and family. I'll never really get over the shame and regret.

The first step is admitting you are an addict. You have to get help. As long as you have the attitude that You can quit anytime you want, then you will never really quit.

Professional help is a must.

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CodenameZoya@reddit

Where is the parenting? It’s not even about bailing him out. Where has the parenting been all these years that the kid is so entitled and his ego is so inflated that he’s behaving this way? People spending all this money on education, fancy cars, and houses but don’t sit their kids down and have real conversations with them. Ever.

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Cranky_Merriweather@reddit

My husband had a sports gambling addiction as a young man back in the 90s. He and his friends had scary Vegas bookies calling them for payment. It was before we met, I think his dad did bail him out but he also went to GA and stopped cold turkey.

Point being, I am absolutely appalled at the gambling situation right now with the apps, ads, etc and how easy it is. John Oliver did a great segment on it. There need to be much greater restrictions. We’ve gone too far.

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Zestyclose-Smell-788@reddit

This and vaping. I see the younger generation at my job gamble and vape, nearly 100% of them. It's an epidemic. All it takes is that one guy coming in, bragging about his winnings to fuel the fire. What they don't hear is the other 24 guys who lost money because they stay quiet.

My dad sat me down and gave me the speech before I started earning my own money. I never forgot it.

"The house is always going to win in the long run, son. How do you think they can build those fancy casinos? Gambling is a tax on the gullible. The worst thing that can happen is you win a little early on. Uh oh. Now you think that you can beat the system. It's rigged to pay exactly enough to give you hope, to keep you playing while you slowly bleed money. It's always 'almost won'. The carrot in front of the horse. Don't pull their cart, son. You will never get that carrot."

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bgplsa@reddit

vaping

I can quit anytime I want but also I’ve yet to see a story on someone trading their house for vapes.

Spot on analysis of gambling tho, thank Bob my body doesn’t produce dopamine.

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PenPutrid3098@reddit

Hi

My late mother had a gambling addiction. It ate her alive. I'll make my story short: do not give him the money. Unless he decides he's had enough, he will end up right back in the same position within days. The only option is therapy. There is NO other way. He's kick, scream, lie, say he'll never talk to you again, etc etc. It's all part of the disease. It's horrific. And the only person who can help him is himself.

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crit_boy@reddit

Do not enable him.

You can be there to support him - mentally and socially.

But, he is an adult and needs to deal with it as a adult, i.e., bad credit ratings until he figures out how to pay his own debt.

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0_IceQueen_0@reddit

I think it's time for tough love. You bail him out once, it'll most likely going to happen again and then what? If he learns he can't get anything from you, hopefully he will try to address the root cause of all his problems which is gambling.

Likewise, not to scare you or anything but good people can become bad when their backs are against the wall so tread carefully and weigh your options. Lots of real life crime stories about things going sideways. Gambling is a bad addiction. Top worst addiction if you ask me.

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Xryanlegobob@reddit

I don’t know if it’s better or worse today. You used to have to know a bookie, now you just have to own a phone. You used to get your ass kicked if you owed, now you just run up way more debt trying to dig out.

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gvarsity@reddit

This is absolutely a massive crisis with young men that is severely underreported. We are talking opioid crisis level of devastation. Online gambling is everywhere, normalized and pushed aggressively at young men. OP should make his son declare bankruptcy which will severely limit his ability to get credit going forward. Even if he were to pay his debt off and take away his cards if his credit is intact he can get a new one in 90 seconds. He also should support him through treatment/therapy but that will be bumpy.

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Xryanlegobob@reddit

Find out what he’s betting on too. A lot of gamblers don’t just bet on sports. Hell on Kalshi you can bet on the weather and plenty of people lose a lot more on buying options on the stock market. Bet those the wrong way and the losses can be unlimited.

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gvarsity@reddit

r/wallstreetbets is insane.

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NostradaMart@reddit

you might suggest that you will clear his debt if he goes to therapy and make real effort to help himself with that addiction

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ZebraBorgata@reddit

I’m 57 and very comfortably retired because I’ve always been smart with money. I would not have paid off any of my sons bills. I think you’re nuts.

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Majik_Sheff@reddit

Your post could have been written by my boomer father-in-law.

He's an asshole.

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Zealousideal_Way_788@reddit

You expect money from your father in law? And you think a Dad should just constantly bail out their kids? If gambling or on drugs? It’s one thing to support and help. It’s another thing to enable. Especially entitled kids. And your use of “boomer” screams entitled. Stand on your own two feet.

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Majik_Sheff@reddit

Nope, I don't expect any of that. You just sounded (and still do) like an asshole.

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Zealousideal_Way_788@reddit

Wasn’t me. You are the asshole. Guy comes on here looking for advice for a son who has a self created problem and wants to get bailed out for a second time. You compare him to your Boomer asshole father in law. That’s being an asshole dude. Grow up.

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butterflygardyn@reddit

He will not face this problem until he is forced to deal with the consequences of his actions. You are not bailing him out. You are supporting and enabling his addiction.

The hardest part of parenting is knowing when to stop helping. He is an adult and he needs to face his own demons. Do not give him another dime. Send him the link to gamblers anonymous every time he asks for money.

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CliffGif@reddit (OP)

Yeah

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Impressive-Shame-525@reddit

Our therapist told us Tha once we start trying g harder than the kids are, it's time to let them fail.

If you help, insist the credit cards be turned over and online access given to you. Monitor the cards and the first time one of them is used for something other than Amazon, cancel it. His credit will take a hit, but so will 30k in debt.

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Klutzy_Guard5196@reddit

He's now done it twice, I think that qualifies as enabling.

You know what to do, you're not willing or able yet to suffer the pain of what needs to be done.

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This-Assumption4123@reddit

Do not enable him. Until HE has to deal with the consequences of his actions he won’t stop. He needs intensive treatment and to have to deal with the fallout. Until you stop enabling him he has no reason to stop gambling. He has to figure this out himself. If he needs help with paying for treatment I would consider that but never giving money to him I would pay the doctor/therapy but he has to dig himself out of this hole even if he loses everything.

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EnjoyingTheRide-0606@reddit

Would you bail him out if he was shooting dope? Gambling is exactly the same addiction. GA-Anon is a program for friends and family of addicted gamblers. He is currently losing $600/week gambling. Time of him to figure out how to get help to stop. This will follow him for life and is as serious as a lifetime health condition like T1diabetes.

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kd8qdz@reddit

Obligatory 1-800-Gambler isnt just for the gambler, they can help families too.

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ejly@reddit

He is absolutely asking for a bail out.

He could take a second job and earn that money, but that would cut into his time for gambling.

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Bromodrosis@reddit

I think you may misunderstand how easy it is to gamble on anything these days.

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pleatymactweed@reddit

CBT therapy with a good doc can help a lot.

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Over_Art_1000@reddit

OP please ask this on a gambling subreddit. There's too much misinformation here. He needs therapy and fellowship. He doesn't need enabling. But he does need kindness and honesty. Be patient and firm while not enabling him further. Think intervention not bail outs. You need a professional. Good luck to you and your son. He can overcome but he needs support.

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Starkville@reddit

Can you explain what you mean by “misinformation”? People were telling their stories and advising the same thing you are.

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Over_Art_1000@reddit

There are over 100 comments. Many with a clear misunderstanding of addiction. My advice is to ask a more relevant and knowledgeable group of people

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eatencrow@reddit

Stop bailing him out. You unknowingly set a terrible precedent with the first round, and it's only going to get worse, and faster, from here on out.

Please.

Refer to your state's commission on problem gaming. Most states have them. Tell your son that he needs to put his name on the no-play no-win list(s). Sit with him while he does this. You cannot trust him to do anything he says.

Lock your credit, your wife's credit, his siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents, tell everyone within your and his circle what you're dealing with. Close these loops, he'll find ways to exploit them if you don't.

I've worked with problem gamblers for close to 30 years. The glp1 agonists like tirzepatide are having a marked impact on the industry. Your son can discuss this possible treatment vector with an enlightened psychiatrist or internist. There are other medications as well. We're starting to understand how the brain becomes addicted to risk taking. The urge to gamble is remarkably similar to 'food noise.'

Problem gaming or gambling (depending on what your state calls it) has a high rate of familicide. Parricide is frighteningly frequent. Make sure your son knows he's not the beneficiary of any life insurance or estate planning of yours or your wife's. That sounds morbid, but I've personally seen several dozen attempted and successful murders of parents / grandparents / siblings /aunts / uncles. It's scary, how unflappable in their demeanor some problem gamers can be.

I'm sounding the alarm because with online ease, your son can do things like drain the equity in your home, steal your 401(k), empty your Roth IRA, open transfer balances in your name, the list is endless. Parents are reluctant to press charges against their kids, but their adult children need to face hard consequences early, and with finality. Otherwise, the adult children end up driving their parents into the poorhouse. I've seen it over and over and over again.

Please don't make the same loving mistake. You love your son, please let him figure this out for himself. You can offer help, like taking him to GA meetings, doctor appointments, the state lottery no-fly list. But under no circumstances offer money. The opposite.

Lastly, make sure he knows you've been vocal with everyone about his issues. This disease thrives in secrecy. People need to know to be able to protect themselves.

I'm so sorry you're facing this challenge. The only shame is in failing to heed good advice. You have an unenviable rough road ahead, but you can do it. Be firm.

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Zestyclose-Smell-788@reddit

This is an excellent reply. Listen well, OP. This is no different than having a crack addict in your home.

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texicali74@reddit

It is a bailout, and you are enabling him. You think you’re helping him, but all you’re doing is making it easier for him to be the way he is. If there are never any consequences for his actions, he’ll never have any reason to stop or try to get better.

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Legion1117@reddit

"I'm sorry. I already paid $30,000 to get you out of debt last time. This is on YOU to deal with."

You bailed him out once and the only thing he learned was that you'll erase his debt and he can go back to losing his shirt because you'll be there to help.

Don't pay.

You son needs the "Life sucks" lesson this time.

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ZipMonk@reddit

Rehab first.

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SaltyLengthiness260@reddit

I'm with the group. He IS asking for a bailout. That's what this request is. And, as a banker, I know he won't learn how to control this without learning about how deep in mess he is. The consequences is he needs to pay this all off and stop. He needs to meet with a financial planner or banker.

Also, yes, the US based credit system sucks and makes this kind of thing super easy.

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lord_scuttlebutt@reddit

I wouldn't do it, OP. The credit system sucks, but this situation was born of your son's compulsions. There are consequences to that, and credit challenges are one of those consequences. The best thing you can do for him is get him into treatment. If you feel you should shell out money, focus it at fixing the root cause- his gambling addiction.

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thirtyone-charlie@reddit

That is absolutely enabling him. He likely won’t change until he has the desire to do so. It is exactly the same as any addiction and just as serious. I would bet that his brain is telling him he won’t do it again but he will. When he comes to you for money he probably isnt even completing the thought about what it is doing to you even though he loves you. His brain won’t let him process that. All he thinks of is to be free of this debt and the odds are that he will win eventually and pay you back because sometimes he wins but the odds are not with him for that big payout. Even if he won today he wouldn’t leave the casino and bring you $60k.

I’m in AA and always will be. I’m not sure about their program procedures but we have occasional open meetings for anyone to attend. We also have online meetings. I would suggest that you attend a few of these. Non-alcoholics do not share but they can get a pretty good dose of what our disease is like, how we suffer and how we recover. We also have AlAnon for people who have been harmed by alcoholics. I don’t know if there is a program like that for people like you.

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jellowhirled@reddit

He's not asking for a bail out? If he came to you and begged for 30K to pay off his debts, then did it again, he's asking for two bail outs. Personally, I would say no the second time. Good luck.

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Catnip_75@reddit

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. He is acting like an addict and you are being fooled. Gambling seems harmless becuase he isn’t addicted to drugs or alcohol. He can go to work and continue his life as usual. But when it starts affect others (you) he’s going to start destroying relationships. If you give him this money you are enabling him. It’s like giving an addict a gift card to the liquor store. Don’t do it! He’s old enough to know better and needs help. Take that money and get him some help.

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bored2death2@reddit

This is the right answer.

Yes, this will hurt, him, you, your relationship. But you can either shell out 30K every 2-3 years or break him of the habit.

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Catnip_75@reddit

I think OP might be in just as much denial saying his some has an “issue” say the word addiction and it might hit home harder.

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RebelStrategist@reddit

r/gamblingaddiction r/gamblingrecovery are subs. Maybe someone there would have first hand experience to help.

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Over_Art_1000@reddit

Best advice so far

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Head_Trick_9932@reddit

It is enabling him. My birth mother was a compulsive gambler and never did get help. My sibling has some issues too and nowhere near able to retire in their 60’s. And now a nephew is following. It sucks. It’s a legit addiction.

If I were to think about helping him again, I would make it mandatory to get help first and then we’ll talk.

I’m sorry, I’ve been there. If you’re always going to bail him out, he’ll always keep racking up.

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SouthOrlandoFather@reddit

Everyone who gambles loses. College educated or not he needs to figure this out ASAP.

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BionicBrainLab@reddit

Him ruining his credit so he can’t get any more cards will be best for him. He needs gamblers anonymous and treatment. He’s playing with money because it’s always been easy for him to get it from you. I’d say no. You bailed him out once, not again. Read the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and you will see how you helping him is hurting you both.

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Nervous-Rooster7760@reddit

Wiping away the consequences teaches him nothing. He is a grown man with education thanks to you. You have provided all the launch support he needed. He needs to decide to deal with it and he needs to feel the pain of paying off the debt incurred. If it was my son and he had kids I would ensure kids had a roof overhead but he’d be out on his own until he dealt with addiction.

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Niclipse@reddit

I'm GenX and my family lost a couple of houses to the casino so I'm going to weigh in.

Rescuing him from his gambling debts before he admits he has a problem is a bad idea. But that doesn't mean you can't help somehow, especially when the time is right. Judgement is generally not helpful.

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heffel77@reddit

Fellow X’er here: my stepdad drank until I was in high school and then he went to 1 one!! AA meeting and quit. Then, he started gambling. He got laid off and gambled away a 6 figure severance package and then gambled away our house and all of our savings.

He was left selling insurance and then he would get up, get dressed, and then go get coffee or something and come back home and go to bed. He did that for a long time before my mom caught him.

She eventually divorced him but not before he had bankrupted our family. He even had a heart attack on the way to the casino and it was like a sign he shouldn’t go but did it stop him? Hell no!

He died splitting a double wide with two tweezers in their twenties when he was in his 50s w/ two degrees and a master’s. He was there at the beginning of companies going online and he could have been making bank but he was too lazy/sick to do it.

It was just sad cleaning up his stuff after he died. I hate gambling but I got wrapped up in drugs so for me, I felt at least I got a bang for my buck.

I can’t imagine giving a casino money on the off chance they might give some back, until Norm McDonald said something that resonated with me.

He said that “while the roulette wheel was turning or those dice were in the air, the whole world stopped and life was pure possibility and it was the only time he felt alive and anything could happen” and then they landed and he was chasing that one moment of clarity the whole time.

I get that. Like the second after you’ve registered and you are about to push the plunger in and everything else melts away and you know bliss is a second away. Addiction is way more powerful than people think. Think how hard it is to stay on a diet and imagine how hard it is to fight an urge millions of times stronger.

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Gaimes4me@reddit

because I hate to see him get raped by credit card companies.

You deserve each other.

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mmmmmarty@reddit

Weak.

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dudeatwork77@reddit

A little thin skinned for a Gen X wouldn’t you say?

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lskerlkse@reddit

really?

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___ez_e___@reddit

Unfortunately by “helping” him you are actually enabling him. Only he can fix his gambling problem, that’s if he can even fix it. The dopamine rush is real for gamblers.

My family lost everything in the 1990s from my father’s gambling. He never lost his gamblers mindset, even when there was nothing left to gamble. It was always the next big win away. He died a broken man. This went on for decades until there was nothing left to gamble. There was nobody left willing to lend him money. My mom even had to stop him from embezzling as well as going to the pawn shop and selling everything.

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rrooaaddiiee@reddit

Bailing him out is enabling him. The first $30k apparently wasn't the last. He's got an illness and it won't be cured until he seeks professional help.

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jacklogan2972@reddit

Sit with him as he calls all the gambling sites and puts himself on the self banned list. Get him into a program.

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Trolkarlen@reddit

Tell him no. You made a mistake bailing him out once so he didn’t learn his lesson. Do it twice and you are an enabler.

He needs to seek help from, Gamblers Anonymous or the like.

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Elesia@reddit

I think, before anything else, you need to acknowledge to yourself that someone can be smart, educated, well-off and from a good family and still become an addict, because you've already helped him prolong his addiction once.

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BerryLanky@reddit

Went through the same situation with my son a decade ago. He would call me saying he spent at the casino and needed rent. I’d pay it and lecture him. A week later I’d get a call he spent utility money and needed help. I did this for several months and realized I was enabling him. So I told him I’d cover this one last debt and if you lose utilities or get effective I’ll need to figure it out. Which he did on both accounts. He had to hit bottom with no help to realize he had a problem and get help with his addiction. He’s doing great now and hasn’t stepped foot in a casino in years. It’s the hardest thing you’ll do as a parent to let them fall but until they realize they have a problem you aren’t solving anything by bailing them out.

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Creepy_Manufacturer@reddit

Gambling these days is basically digital crack!

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RevolutionaryLaw8854@reddit

Not basically -

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Creepy_Manufacturer@reddit

Lol exactly?

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Whogaf01@reddit

Don't do it. Period. He is an adult and needs to figure things out in his own. The more you do it, the more he will ask and he will never start on the road to recovery.

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unclesmokedog@reddit

Make a deal, GA for a year and he consolidates his card and then when he has made demonstrablw progess you help him

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RevolutionaryLaw8854@reddit

You’re enabling him. He has to feel the consequences of his actions. He needs to take accountability.

You can’t solve his addictions for him.

He’s the only one that can fix him. And he has to want it.

As an aside, he can self ban from the casinos and online gambling sites. But, he’ll just find a different place to go. Still worth doing, but not a solution

As an aside, online gambling is the absolute worst thing that has happened to the young men of our country since the Vietnam war draft.

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Calliesdad20@reddit

Your son needs to go to GA- until he gets help ,if you bail him out it will only happen again and again

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Ray_The_Engineer@reddit

My experience with addiction in family was drugs instead of gambling. Meaning well, my mom helped my sister out after she snorted her house and savings up her nose at age 35, and all it did was keep enabling her to do it more. She had to hit bottom and deal with consequences before her life turned around. I'm thinking your situation is similar. I'm a parent, so I get that it's a tough call, but don't let him drag you down with him.

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PepperCat1019@reddit

What was your sister's bottom?

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Ray_The_Engineer@reddit

Homeless, family-less (I had small kids at the time and wasn't bringing them anywhere near her), penniless. She finally asked my mom to help her arrange rehab for the 2nd or 3rd time, and it took that time. (So far.)

The sad thing is that she'd done well for herself, a lucrative job, a nice car, bought a house. By the time cocaine was done with her, it was all gone, and she's really never gotten back to that point, even though it's been many years.

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RoyalPuzzleheaded259@reddit

I’m a recovered drug addict myself, and your right i had no desire to get clean until I hit rock bottom and was homeless, sleeping on a bench in a park.

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420EdibleQueen@reddit

Hon I know you love your kid but he is asking for a bail out. Paying his cards is just enabling the addict.

He doesn’t need your money,he needs help. But that will only work if he wants it. If he does then he needs to show that before you give him a dime. Therapy, support group, and personally I would set a time frame of doing that before helping him.

I’d also insist he cancel the card accounts and cut them up in front of me. Debit cards work just fine for day to day things. To ensure he’s motivated I’d draw up an agreement that you’ll pay off the card accounts but if he opens another card and/or runs up gambling debt, that money needs to be repaid to you within 6 months.

If he can’t or won’t agree to that and follow through, then he’s not ready and you’d just be his enabler.

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RoyalPuzzleheaded259@reddit

You are enabling him and the more you do it, the harder it will be to stop. At some point he’s going to have to take responsibility for his own choices. Let me ask you this, if he was smoking meth, would you cover his drug debt?

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PepperCat1019@reddit

If you wipe out his debts, that gives him a fresh start to gamble again.

Don't enable him. "No" is a complete sentence.

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watchwatertilitboils@reddit

You are throwing your money away. You raised him and paid for college. That's it, you're done

If you never make him step up, he never will

$30k is insane, I saved for 10 years to get $30k for the down payment on my house

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IM_The_Liquor@reddit

And if you do, he can rack up that debt in a few clicks again… You’ll be bankrupt before he’s 30. Honestly, one of the kindest things you can do for him is to help him up with a consolidation loan, cut up the credit cards and let him live with the hit to his credit score go a while, along with getting him counselling for his gambling addiction… that being said, he’ll have to want to change all on his own, so prepare for some disappointment.

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darkest_irish_lass@reddit

I know you love your son and you mean well, but you shouldn't pay off his debt. A gambler never thinks they lost the game until they can't beg, borrow or steal any more money.

The credit card has a firm limit on how much it will give him and you should to.

Has he told you that he has a gambling addiction? Until he admits it and gets help, any money you give him wont help him.

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Barracuda_Recent@reddit

Use that money to get him excellent treatment.

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curiousme123456@reddit

Forget the bail out issue the real issue is his clear gambling addiction

All the statistics show the GenZ have a gambling issue along with millennials. They’re not bad people they simply co-op during a time or everything was able to bet on and all the forms that came out to support the habit, DraftKings, etc..

A listened to a piece on business radio talked about this exact issue and each state that has legalized Camplin the number of bankruptcies, particularly in millennials, and GenZ is off the charts.

So again it ain’t a money issue. The bigger issue is is gambling issue if that’s not fixed they’re gonna be much harder conversations besides money in the near future.

I’m sorry you have to go through this. I promise you and guarantee you millions of other parents experiencing the same thing.

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OreoSpeedwaggon@reddit

He apparently has a gambling issue because he came to me last year and begged for 30K to pay off his card debt/loans. Now he’s back again with another 30K. To be clear he’s a good man and is not asking for a bail out.

That sounds to me like he's asking for another bailout. He's an adult now and responsible for his own financial decisions. By helping him pay his gambling debts, you are enabling him. The only way he will ever learn how it's harming him is if he faces the consequences of his actions. IMO, the best thing you can do for him is let him know that you will support him getting help for his gambling addiction and even assist him with learning how to manage his finances without going into debt from gambling, but that he will have to figure out a way to pay off his debts himself. I obviously don't know him, but if he responds negatively, reacts angrily, or tries to manipulate your emotions, be strong and stand firm. He needs that. Good luck!

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ItsDarwinMan82@reddit

This is such a hard situation. My father who was wonderful man, had a gambling addiction since he was a teenager in the 60s. It was always on sports games. We almost lost our house in the 90s. I went to a nice Catholic school and I remember I was embarrassed when I had to go home one day, because the tuition wasn’t paid that month.

My mother took control of the bills and he went to Gamblers Anonymous. She truly was going throw him out if he didn’t stop. He did with football and basketball, but still bought scratch tickets and checked the scores until he died this year at age 80. That high never left him.

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Karate_Lauren@reddit

Gambling addictions are no joke! My dad who passed away in March was a gambling addict and when he died he left his wife in debt and nothing for his heirs.

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torodonn@reddit

My late dad was a gambling addict, so this story sounds familiar.

At one point, my parents' joint account was empty after he drained it all and my mom took control of their accounts. He switched to accumulate massive debt on his credit cards both with online gambling and expensive cash advances at the casino.

Every time he was caught, he'd tell my mom how sorry he was, how remorseful he was. He was a 'good man' too. They fought but in the end she paid the bills exactly as you do for exactly the same reason (not to pay so much interest), and then a few months later it was the same story.

Paying off his bills without a plan is just throwing money into the ocean. Your son will have $30k more debt in an even shorter time next time since all addicts needs to chase bigger and bigger highs.

I gave my mom my take on the situation but she refused to listen to any of it but I'll tell you what I told her.

The money needs to come with him taking responsibility and seeking help on his end. He needs to understand this is affecting people he cares about and his future and you will not continue to enable him. He needs to commit to a counselor and/or a support group and set up self-exclusion on all sites and gambling venues. Attend sessions with him, if that helps.

I also suggested to my mom that they take away his credit cards and switch to cash and debit only, which she could monitor and force him to actually ask for money before he could even gamble.

Sadly, they both refused and destroyed the nest egg they worked their entire life for. Good luck!

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drkole@reddit

as an addict i say yes giving him money is just enabling and giving already two time you become his income source and he will spend that even faster

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Oxjrnine@reddit

Can I be your son? I am cheaper because I only have a $900 OD, $300 on a credit card, and $1800 on a loan..

But seriously, do not pay off his credit card debt that he got from gambling. Save that money to help him with ranch and food for when he loses his job and has to declare bankruptcy and maybe bail money if he ends up stealing to feed his gambling addiction.

The first time you bailed him out, it should’ve been conditional. A year of just paying the minimum balance so the cards didn’t get shut down and if he completed a treatment program successfully and he met with you once a month to show you all of his bank statements, all of his bills and his income from work to prove that he wasn’t spending any money on gambling then maybe you could’ve bailed him out for half of what it was on those cards.

Your son will always be an addict, that’s a chronic illness that can be managed with the right therapy and sometimes medication. But he doesn’t have to be a manipulative Jerk taking you for a ride to fund his gambling addiction. That part is a choice. And the only way to help him stop being that way is boundaries.

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LeanPawRickJ@reddit

The NHS have a quick checklistthat you could run through with him.

Other than that, giving money would just be postponing the point at which he needs to seek professional / peer assistance, and make the amount owed greater. You should check out what local services are available.

Paying off the debts is a lovely idea, but only done once he’s acknowledged the issues.

Best of luck to you both.

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spoink74@reddit

You have the money in your back pocket and you can stop him from getting screwed by the credit card companies when the time is right. The time is right when he exhibits the growth and change that he needs. As long as he spirals he’ll just chew through the money.

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Actual_Friendship802@reddit

Needs treatment. In patient, then recovery. This is not that different than other addictions in a lot of ways.

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this_is_bs@reddit

Any money you give him will be lost on gambling.

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Elektrik_Magnetix@reddit

I would pay $5000 and demand to see the balance monthly... If he stays at 25k or less do another 5k in 6 months. Rinse and repeat. If he relapses just tell him you can't allow him to gamble all your money. Make sure you tell him this is his LAST CHANCE! Also warn him if he gets any other loans or credit cards you're not going to help him pay off those.

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jIdiosyncratic@reddit

Getting "raped" by creditors seems the least of his problems at this point.

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Mulliganasty@reddit

Absolutely not. While I mostly disagree with Dave Ramsey he does have a saying about this scenario: don't give a drunk another drink.

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ThoughtIknewyouthen@reddit

but I worry it’s enabling him

That's a pretty fair assumption.

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Icy-Mood909@reddit

Please don’t pay off the debts for him - he won’t learn anything - please recommend him to Gamblers Anonymous - I took money from my stocks and 401k and ran up thousands of credit card debt in my 30s up to at least 100k - but I had to hit my bottom before going to GA and was able to turn my life around - I’m in my 50s, will always be a compulsive gambler, but will have a very comfortable retirement because I got back on track - it really helped me - I can’t think of the what ifs but he is so young that he needs to take accountability for his actions

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wormil@reddit

IF I were going to pay his debts, I would do so on a monthly basis and he would have to attend weekly Gamblers Anonymous meetings, with proof, and turn over all his credit cards. There might be more you can require, GA should be able to help.

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treyedean@reddit

You can't give him another $30K. You can offer him moral support, love and guidance, but he needs to learn that he can't keep coming to his parents for a bail out. You have your own retirement to be thinking about. It sounds like you have a good surplus, but you can't keep shelling out 10s of thousands of dollars to pay off gambling debt.

Tell him to get some help and be there for him but absolutely don't pay off his debt. Make him do it. He will be mad, but if he overcomes his addiction and pays it off himself, he'll respect and appreciate you for it.

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HalfwaydonewithEarth@reddit

You need to get him into Gamblers Annonymous and you to Gamanon. Call in if no meetings are in your area.

My Dad has been gambling 40 years. He has no money, six wives divorced and still gambles.

DO NOT PAY ANY MORE LOANS!

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jfrankparnell85@reddit

There is Gam-Anon - https://gam-anon.org/gam-anon-can-help/growing-up-with-a-compulsive-gambler

It is a support group for loved ones of addicts.

Another step is for you to find a counselor, to get advice and help - as the parent of an addict.

What you need is to develop a strategy - that includes how to help your son find help, and how to set your emotional and financial limits.

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Kryceks-Revenge@reddit

If it were me, I would require addiction assistance. I would offer to pay for that. And upon enough recovery criteria met? Then we’d consider a loan he’d have to pay back. That’s the most generous I would offer. And any fuckups along the way nullify the deal. And he’s cut off financially for good.

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scottiepippen13@reddit

Paying off his debt and doing nothing to curb his addiction is pointless.

Find out where he’s gambling, what apps he’s using, and make him go into their responsible gaming settings and put limits in. You can limit deposits, bet amounts, loss limits, time limits etc

Do it for every app, it’s not perfect but it’s a start

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CptBronzeBalls@reddit

What kind of gambling?

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MarquisInLV@reddit

Pay it off but make him pay it back as he’s able to with no interest.

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Late_Blackberry_2482@reddit

I agree, but I would also make it contingent on him entering a gambling rehab program.

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MarquisInLV@reddit

Yes absolutely.

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CliffGif@reddit (OP)

You have no idea how much that advice means to me. I lost my mom a few years ago and I know she would definitely say that.

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Gloomy_Narwhal_4833@reddit

It seems like you are just looking for someone to validate your decision. You had to know that then overwhelming response here was going to be say no.

He learns nothing when he knows youre always going to bail him out. I have never had a safety net like that, therefore I couldn't fathom running up a 30k gambling debt, when we were young thats how people ended up in traction at best, dead at worst.

You do you, but if you were really concerned about his well being, you wouldnt do this and essentially condone the behavior. What is he going to do when you arent there to bail him out? How fast is he going to lose whatever inheritance he will receive? I think you know its a bad idea.

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Key_Asparagus_8522@reddit

You’re an enabler btw. If you’re pay his debts

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Big-Sheepherder-6134@reddit

You are totally enabling and allowing this to happen because you never say no and therefore will never end. $30k today, $300k tomorrow. He is a good man. No he isn’t.

This sure looks like a rage bait post.

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Rhusty_Dodes@reddit

This is an epidemic in our country right now, especially all the sports betting and prop betting. The ads are non stop. A lot of people are getting hooked and nobody seems to want to do anything about it. You bailed him out once. I think doing so a second time should come with conditions. Like asking him to attend meetings or attend addiction therapy for treatment for a while before doing so. Just paying it off again will just show him this will continue to be an option and won't take getting better seriously. It's an addiction like drugs and you have to treat it that way unfortunately. I hope things get better for him and you. Good luck.

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Zealousideal_Way_788@reddit

This. I would get him to come clean where the $60K went (sounds like you suspect gambling but aren’t sure). Then if he needs help get him into a program. Don’t bail him out again

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AngelHeart-@reddit

It is enabling him.

Don’t do it.

He needs to stop ASAP.

This is serious.

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Rustyempire64@reddit

Please get him evaluated for adhd - poor impulse control and addictions is just one of the many co-occuring conditions with ADHD. If he’s not getting treatment it’s critical to manage the symptoms especially with dopamine seeking (like compulsive gambling) leading to dangerous lifestyle choices (bankruptcy etc). I would hazard to guess that gambling may not be his only vice if he’s in that deep. Time for honest discussion and therapy - not throwing more money at this which is just enabling the lifestyle. But there’s more here than just the gambling and to address it that means treatment not bandages.

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Intelligent-Wear2824@reddit

THIS!!!! I would definitely seek a therapist who can assist you BOTH in coming up with a plan to address the best path forward!

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Without_Portfolio@reddit

He needs to go to a treatment program. But most important of all, these are decisions he’s making. The only way to reverse this is for him to change how he thinks about it.

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skwigi@reddit

Sometimes we need to face the consequences of our actions in order to not make the same mistakes over again. Because of this, I think you might be doing a disservice to your son if you pay off his debts.

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Dependent_Pipe3268@reddit

If he's coming to you for money then he's asking for a bailout. You already bailed him out once and if you do it again I guarantee he'll be back asking for a third time. I know it's tough because it's your son but sometimes tough love is the way to go.

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Advanced_Tax174@reddit

Yes he is asking for a bail out

You are making the problem worse by a) refusing to acknowledge reality, and b) bailing him out

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JayRexx@reddit

Yep- you’re enabling TF out of him. Let him learn young.

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HanGankedGreedo@reddit

can you use wiping out his debt to force him to get help? I feel like that might be the best answer under these conditions.

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X2946@reddit

It didn’t work the first time. Why would it work this second?

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mmarrow@reddit

He’s got to learn. Try to be understanding and not critical but he’s got to understand why he does it. Or maybe point him to the stock market where he’s got a better chance of winning :)

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ProfessionalSilver52@reddit

Online gambling markets are extremely popular at the moment. I bet that's what he's dumping money in. Like Kalshi or polymarket

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1leftbehind19@reddit

Getting raped by credit card companies is the least of his worries at this point. You cannot keep giving money to an addict, that’s the worst thing you can do. Somebody in that position has to see consequences and often rock bottom to have a chance of getting out of the loop.

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Captain_of_Gravyboat@reddit

How did it work out the first time? He definitely learn his lesson? You are being taken advantage of. Have him sign over his car or house or whatever else of equal value if he wants your help. If there are no consequences you are just giving positive reinforcement to bad behavior.

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TexCOman@reddit

He’s an addict. Until you see him as that you will never be able to help him. Helping him is cutting him off. All you are doing is being his Bank.

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Top_Narwhal_30@reddit

DO NOT GIVE HIM MONEY. It is literally like giving an alcoholic a jug of booze. He has a serious addiction.

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redbeardedstranger@reddit

if you know he's got a gambling problem and you're even remotely thinking of helping him, then get with a lawyer and take complete control of his stuff ... especially credit to where you can see when he opens up the next card(s), so you can stop this shit before it keeps happening.

It's too easy to gamble these days. In our days the bookies would kick the every loving shit out of you over $500.

Gambling addictions can be worse than alcohol in the beginning because you won't see the signs like you do with drinking.

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Joe-_-Momma-@reddit

Don't do it. He has to have consequences to learn. No casino will front a guy with bad credit.

Good luck, he need professional help!

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LoveIsTheAnswer-@reddit

You need to talk to a professional about how to handle this. Unfortunately, I'm certain that legalizing, and mainstreaming public sports betting is causing problems like this wide spread.

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x100139@reddit

He may be your kid but, if you let him, he'll drag you down with him.

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Majik_Sheff@reddit

I have known many addicts in my life. I'm related to a lot of them.

If there's anything my experience has taught me is that an addict will dig until they hit bedrock, break their shovel, break your shovel, and then bloody their bare hands trying to dig further.

I watched my sisters husband die of liver failure at 45 because he couldn't stop drinking.

My wife's brother has a gambling problem that he's barely staying ahead of because he has a high-paying job.

If you want your money to help him, get him into a treatment program and make sure he is held accountable every step of the way.

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ZipperJJ@reddit

How is a grown man, who entered into a contract with a credit card company, having to pay back money he borrowed from the credit card company at the agreed upon rate, being "raped" by said credit card company?

Seems like you've taught him that he is some sort of victim in all of this? I mean yes he has an addiction but the cure for his addiction is not more money...

He should be able to pay off a $30k debt on his own. If you want to help him, give him a place to live for cheap (with you) while he works to pay off his debt. He can even borrow your car from time to time, since he'll have to sell his to pay off his debt.

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Early-Tourist-8840@reddit

He is gambling with zero risks if his debts are being paid.

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Oldwhitedudist2@reddit

If you give him another 30K, he'll be back for more, probably sooner. Tell him that he needs professional help and that you'll help pay for that(paid directly to the therapist, no negotiations on that point), but nothing more.

He dug himself into this hole twice already. Don't give him a bigger shovel by bailing him out again. Help him get the tools he needs to recover.

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Metal-Salt@reddit

Did he pay back the 1st $30K you loaned him?

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ShartlesAndJames@reddit

NOOOOOOOOOOOO

if there are no consequences - there will be no learnings. you've already done too much. He's 30 - he can turn this around and have a decent life. Offer addiction counseling, therapy, rehab - but do NOT give him any more money.

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31braidsinbeard@reddit

Is he a member of r/wallstreetbets?