Living in Germany - why is it so hard to get past small talk?
Posted by Frosty-Homework2776@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 18 comments
I’ve been living in Germany for a while now and something I still struggle with is building closer friendships.
People are always polite and friendly, but it rarely goes beyond that. A German colleague once told me it just takes time here, and that friendships tend to be deeper once they form - but I feel like I never quite get past the “acquaintance” stage.
For those who’ve been here longer, did it change for you at some point?
Sufficient-Job7098@reddit
This isn’t just unique to Germany and this unique problems for immigrants.
True deep relationship are rare, takes time to develop. Such relationships can be easier to develop in youth, and with people who have some commonalities. But even locals who lived all their lives in the same town can suffer from lack of deep close relationships.
Yes sure, Germany is known to be a country where developing of close relationships is harder. But then all Northern Europe is known for this problem. Eastern and Central European can be like that too. And so can many other countries.
lluluna@reddit
This. Even in Southern Europe where it's famous for its friendly people and weather, you'd soon realize that the warmth still stays on surface level.
It's just hard to form close friendship anywhere, especially after a certain age when a person's social circle is pretty much formed and life gets really busy and stressful.
ponpiriri@reddit
No, some cultures are more difficult than others to form close bonds than others. Western and northern Europe have been the coldest in my experience.
lluluna@reddit
Statistically speaking, yes. But it doesn't make that much difference when it comes to indivuals.
CountrysidePlease@reddit
This! I have read countless posts in the Spanish sub by people who are having a hard time making friends… and this is Spain we’re talking about. We were lucky to find friends from my husband’s work and as we have kids, it’s another community you automatically are a part of. But still making friends while being an adult is always harder, more even if it’s already in the phase of having a busy schedule with work and your own family/friends.
lluluna@reddit
I'm one of such people. LOL! Most people, even the locals, don't quite believe me when I said I struggle to make friends in Spain. It took me YEARS to have 1 person that I'd consider a GOOD friend (not even a very close friend) and I already count myself lucky. 😅
Harry_Iconic_Jr@reddit
good point. I think the strongest relationships are formed over shared experiences and conversation alone will rarely be enough to forge deep ties with others. Just my two cents, ymmv.
napalmtree13@reddit
I feel like the real issue is that it's very hard to make even acquaintances. So there's rarely an opportunity to have a chance at a deeper friendship to begin with. But making friends is difficult once you're no longer in school no matter where you are. German culture being closed off just adds an extra layer of difficulty.
I've heard the only way to make friends here is to join a gym or a club. I have not tried this out for myself as I do not enjoy the gym and all of the clubs in my city are sport-related.
I've been here almost a decade and speak the language fluently. I gave up on trying to make friends here. But that doesn't mean it's impossible or you should give up. I've always been socially awkward/anxious and COVID made it so much worse.
Acceptable_Usual1646@reddit
It takes some years to get through. Germans build trust over many years
Gods_ShadowMTG@reddit
Most germans just don't want to. The will hide behind politeness
Competitive-Leg-962@reddit
Join clubs and activity groups, socializing with colleagues is not everyone's game.
werchoosingusername@reddit
Not just a German thing tbh. Most people prefer that you are fluent in German unless they are happy to talk to you in English or your mother tongue. They got their friend circles already and most of them are content with what they got.
Same goes for almost all developed countries.
Agathabites@reddit
What are you doing to find friends? Are you joining groups? Classes? Hobbies?
Subterraniate2@reddit
Poor old Germany. Someone was complaining yesterday that those pesky Germans among whom they now live are far too friendly, and always seeking to include them in things. .
_Loyd_Christmas@reddit
“But why do you talk about the rain? And if I have plans on the weekend? Why ask me such things? Heh? Hallo? Are you a stupid head?”
Pan_Duh_Pan_Duh@reddit
I have the opposite problem. But my friends describe me as an aggressive friend maker.
It also depends on what a quality friendship is to you. I like interesting people who want to go on adventures. Or friends who are fun to gossip with over tea. Or people who share similar goals. I have lots of seasonal friends, but not many lifetime friends.
But if you need constant presence, celebrating little wins, weekly hangouts, those life-long friendships, those can be harder to form, I think.
Overall, its about finding places with constant community. Meet up groups, church/religious groups, classes/hobbies/school, etc. Places that every week, you go, and you talk to the same people, and people become more and more familiar with who you are. Volunteer, offer to do something. Those are the things that make you a pillar in a community.
It also helps to find ways to create shared feelings, it’s called the shaken bridge theory or something. Where an intense shared feeling causes bonding. So go to a horror/thriller movie, or a theme park, or rock climbing.
There was a study (I’m just repeating information that keeps being spread around, so I’m unsure if it has been debunked) that you needed about 200 hours of time with someone to become a close friend. Give or take.
anyways, good luck! Hope this info helps, even a little bit.
Demenasus@reddit
You should join a verein for similiar interests, discord servers for gaming, doin some hobbys where its easier to connect.
Impossible-Snow5202@reddit
It is a well-known risk of moving to a new place.
Friendship is not guaranteed.
If you need friendships to be happy, it's worth considering staying where your friends are.