How do American waiters/servers tell when people are finished eating?

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savguy6@reddit

Generally if their cutlery isn’t in their hands anymore and sometimes we’ll push the plate a little further away from ourselves on the table.

But it’s perfectly common for a server to check on the table every little while and to ask “how was everything? Any plates I can take out of your way? Is anyone interested in dessert or coffee?”

Americans have no problem you letting you know if they are still working on a dish. I’ll even tell a server, “don’t take my plate yet, I’m still working on it” especially if it s big meal.

But we’re perfectly fine with you asking.

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We push the plate away. Sometimes put the napkin over. Sometimes move the plate to the end of the table for easy pick up by servers. If everyone’s done some of us will stack the plates to make it easier for you.

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savguy6@reddit

See, the napkin thing is a good example of something that varies even within American dining culture. Totally understand the napkin on the plate/table when you’re done eating. But I’ve also been taught (and this is how I do it) the napkin stays in your lap until you are ready to get up from the table to leave after the meal. Then you place the napkin on the table. So even if you’re done eating, and just sitting and talking, the napkin is still in the lap.

I don’t think either is technically incorrect. But just pointing out we’re not uber strict on our dining customs.

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EasyMode556@reddit

Sure but if the napkin is on the plate, that is a 100% guarantee that they’re done eating.

Have you ever worked in a kitchen? The napkin would be scraped off directly into the trash along with any food remnants before it's sprayed off and put into the wash bin.

I'd say over half of dishes come back with some food still in them l. They don't just get chucked into the dishwasher like that, and it's sure as shit not all going down ala garbage disposal.

Dishwashing is gross sometimes, but I never though the napkin was any more gross than the other stuff on the plate.

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NeverRarelySometimes@reddit

I was talking about my dining room at home, but I certainly don't aim for gross behavior in restaurants, either. It's still someone's job to clear and wash, and I can't imagine piling on the disrespect.

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27eelsinatrenchcoat@reddit

I'll ask again. Have you ever worked in a kitchen before?

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NeverRarelySometimes@reddit

Only volunteering. I have been on dishes. On the whole, the guests were more respectful than the commenters here, and were discouraged from despicable behaviors.

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27eelsinatrenchcoat@reddit

That’s because you were taught table manners. Most Americans clearly haven’t been, diners or staff. I (American) learned table manners both from my parents and in Girl Scouts and I swear I’m the only person I know who follows these rules. Drives me absolutely up the wall when a server or busboy interrupts me to ask me if I’m finished when I’ve clearly put my silverware in the “I’m done” position.

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Diarygirl@reddit

One thing that used to annoy me back in the day when more people paid with cash was the server asking if you wanted change when you paid the bill. If I didn't want change I would tell them to keep it.

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nakedonmygoat@reddit

Please don't stack the plates. It doesn't make things easier. It makes things harder because they're heavier now, and may not be stable. When a server removes plates one by one, they're re-calibrating the weight distribution with each addition so everything won't topple over. So please let the server do it.

maccrogenoff@reddit

I’ve never been a fan of servers not clearing plates until the entire table is done eating.

In Europe they never clear plates until the whole table is done eating unless it’s a family style type of restaurant.

It really irks me that they do it in the states. It makes me feel rushed, but I get it, US servers want to hurry up and get the table cleared so they can seat new diners since they depend more on tips than waiters in Europe. Waiters in Europe don’t have the same incentive.

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maccrogenoff@reddit

Servers clearing the dishes of diners who are finished isn’t necessarily to hurry the other diners.

Some people, such as myself, dislike having dishes that are no longer being used on the table. The restaurant could be short on dishes and need them for other diners.

If you have a preference for when dishes are cleared, tell your server at the beginning of the meal.

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thomsenite256@reddit

It was weird getting used to flagging down a waiter. It feels a little rude but it's normal most places

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emmiepsykc@reddit

It's totally normal in the US as well.

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27eelsinatrenchcoat@reddit

Yea flagging down a server feels super rude from (at least this particular) American perspective. Like they're probably actively doing something and I'm interrupting them. I expect they'll be checking on me as part of their regular workflow, when they get a chance, so flagging them down feels like saying they're dropping the ball.

Exception for forgetting utensils, because that's on them, is a quick fix, and I'm not about to let me food get cold or eat soup with my hands.

I think it's more rude to be interrupted every 5 mins.

I'm an adult, if I need something I am capable of indicating it

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Freudinatress@reddit

In really good restaurants you just need to straighten your back and look around in a distance, and they will know you want them to come over. It feels like magic lol

But I have had to waive at them a number of times too, and as long as you don’t make a face, that is absolutely ok.

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Fjells@reddit

Flagging down? I mean you just cath their attention by looking at them, at most a small signal with your hand as you catch their eye. You shouldn't wave, snap your fingers or raise your voice.

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Queer_Advocate@reddit

I apologize. "I'm so sorry to bother you, but could I get more napkins." I think it's less about I think I did something wrong, it's maybe they were going to do whatever they are doing and about to stop by anyway, but her is jack ass me interrupting their flow. I am from the South in the US; a lot of us apologize for everything. I'm sure it's annoying.

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holyfrozenyogurt@reddit

I visited Spain through my school when I was about sixteen and I remember sitting in a restaurant alone trying not to freak out because my group was leaving soon and the waiter hadn’t come by with the check. I started panic-researching and finally realized what you were supposed to 😭 I felt so rude doing it, it was such an adjustment.

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Worldly_Address6667@reddit

I will say, once you learn some of the rules its really nice. Recently spent some time in Germany (cologne) and there was this great beer hall we went to. Server gave us a rundown: if glass is empty, server will appear within minutes with a full one for you. If glass is empty and you dont want another, put your coaster on the glass. If you cheers, hit the bottom of the glasses together, not the tops. That is all lol

KevworthBongwater@reddit

oh man that sounds like a lot of fun. did they have live music or anything?

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Worldly_Address6667@reddit

It was! Im not a big beer drinker and I still loved it. But no there wasn't, at least when we were there, maybe on the weekends. The place was huge, so there was definitely room for it.

It was called "Gaffel am Dom" if you want to ever check it out

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calmingseas@reddit

which is ironic and hypocritical because they sing praises about Japan's service industry which works similar to Europe. Coming from an Asian immigrant family I'm much more comfortable in restaurants where they leave you alone unless you need something compared to restaurants where servers are constantly asking you how you're doing.

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Kperris@reddit

In my experience even if you indicated you needed something they would still leave you alone…I felt like I was always waiting another 20 minutes or more to pay after asking for my bill

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sonic_dick@reddit

In the US, even fancy places, if you ask "would you like another drink or can I interest you in desert" and the answer is "no", youre getting a check.

Dropping the check isnt a "get the fuck out of here" signal.

If youre not being asked about desert of having that level or poor service, then youre eating at shitty restaurants. Or youre a consistently awful guest.

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Zaidswith@reddit

I didn't say it was. You're responding to the wrong person.

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sonic_dick@reddit

No, its literally "its obvous you dont need anything else so ill leave this here so you dont have to flag me down or wait for me if im busy. Its just here when you're ready."

Compared to a few weeks in Europe, my American dining experience is literally night and day. Waiter in Portugal sat us down, decent place with only 3 tables dining, he forgot we existed 3 seconds later until we flagged him down 20 minutes later to ask for a menu lmao he was so apologetic. Literally chilling next to us and we’re like glancing at him wondering what we did wrong. It was totally fine but really set the tone of the trip

But as far as my American experience, it varies a lot by region. I’m from NJ (NYC, suburbs, now Philly) and I find the further I travel in any direction, the dining service sloooowssss with obvious exceptions like it’s not a hardline rule.

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Apprehensive_Run_539@reddit

The same the only time I get a lot of attention is in a fine dining restaurant where there are multiple courses and multiple people serving the table in various positions

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wyrditic@reddit

If I'm in America it's usually for a work event, and I find you do get waiters checking on you all the time if you're with a big group of colleagues. Nor sure if this is just the type of place my colleagues take me; the fact that a bigger group means they think at least one person will want to order something else; or the fact that they expect bigger tips from corporate groups.

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sonic_dick@reddit

90% of the time large groups 8+ will have an automatic 18% gratuity applied to the bill at full service restaurants, so its not really about the tip.

More like if theres 20 people, theres a much larger chance that someone will need something.

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PaChubHunter@reddit

Servers should check in three times as a standard.

2 minute check back after the food is brought to the table.

Part way through theeal to make sure nobody needs a refill or anything else.

And when it seems everything is wrapping up to see of the check is needing to be dropped.

It's my understanding that outside of the US, free refills aren't really common. That alone will change the frequency of checking in.

A good server in the US should actually often slide by the table a few times with an "all good?" Looking for just thumbs up or head nods to indicate that the customers have what they need. Not looking for conversation or anything like that, just acknowledgement that all is well.

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sonic_dick@reddit

Dont even need to verbally check in past the first "how is everything?". Attentively walking past a table, it will be obvious if someone needs something.

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Ok-Variation5746@reddit

Yep, I am a server at a casual fast paced brunch spot. I am really good with the nonverbal check in - I usually make eye contact w someone at the table and hit them w a raised eyebrow and a thumbs up, like “yall good?” Everyone wins.

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MeasurementSad4439@reddit

They might not have been at your table or verbally checking in, but most servers keep their eyes open as they're going through their section. Quick glance as they go past with food for another table, for example. The best servers have their heads on a swivel and every trip through the dining room serves at least 2-3 purposes.

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Fluffy-Mine-6659@reddit

Well trained restaurant staff will have a maître d’ seat the guest and offer menu.
A runner to bring water, a server to introduce themselves and explain specials and ask for drinks.
Then when cocktails come ask to order. Can order just starters or starters and main together.
Then runner brings food.
A few minutes later server asks if everything looks ok (as ordered). If not they make adds or changes. Then server checks once if the food is good or to ask for additional drinks runner will remove empty plates and refill water Server will then offer dessert or coffee. Then runner brings dessert When done server asks if all is ok then offer the check. They come back after you’ve reviewed check and take the card to the register to run it Then review check and add tip. Server usally does not pick up the signed check until you have left or are leaving

So that’s about 14 interactions per meal

In Europe, even in fancy places, it’s far fewer interactions. No check ins. Guest asks for the check, and server brings a kiosk to the table and run it there - they won’t touch your card.

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Really? Because this is totally normal to me.

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jenea@reddit

It depends a lot on the style of restaurant. Restaurants that are trying to create an experience have more attentive wait staff, but a lot of restaurants that I go to are more about turning tables.

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Suppafly@reddit

Usually servers in my area check once shortly after you get your food

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green_and_yellow@reddit

Nah this is odd. Ideally you get one check-in after the food arrives and that’s it. Obviously if your glass of wine or whatever is empty they’ll ask you if you want another, or they’ll refill their water, but I never get checked in after the first time (and that’s how it should be).

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NemeanMiniLion@reddit

There are plenty of reasons to check after the first few bites, for instance: would you like to order anything else in addition? We don't always order all the food at once, sometimes we arent sure how much we want to order and will place an additional order.

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apri08101989@reddit

Food that seemed fine in the first bite or so but turned out to be raw in the middle. Im not cutting a burger steak or piece of chicken in half to let all the juices run out

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NemeanMiniLion@reddit

I'm not referring to whether it's cooked well. I'm talking about whether we enjoy it or want to add to our order. We often share food with the entire table. Family style. So we will order a bunch of appetizers and dishes and everyone will split and have their own plate with lots of things on it. There are often things we think about ordering but don't until we decide if we have what we want. Sometimes we just want another order of something we enjoyed the most. So our first order depending on the restaurant may not have enough food for all of us, but we don't know what we want further until we try.

If I'm just ordering a burger, I don't need checked on. I'm talking about restaurants where we want to explore the menu.

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theinkedoctopus@reddit

I've never not had a waiter come by every so often to check on us I've lived in WV, NC, GA, and FL. Ive even had people check on us at a buffet.

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schmuckmulligan@reddit

Yeah. The only time I'm generally checked on is when a beverage is obviously finished.

In my limited experience in Europe, the verbal check is replaced with eye contact, which is not a particularly challenging adjustment to make.

jjumbuck@reddit

Ugh I hate this about American service. It has seeped into Canada in places and I wish it would stop.

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Pinwurm@reddit

Service in Europe changes from country to country, region to region.

I just want a waiter to notice basic things like.. if I'm sat without a menu, if my drink glass is empty, and ask if I want a check or dessert if my entree plate is cleared.

Service in France was great all around, similar to America. Never once encountered the strereotype of the 'rude French waiter'.

Service in Germany or Austria or Switzerland generally sucked.

I'd be delighted if I could actually indicate I need something, but waiters just don't look at the dining room to see if anyone is trying to make eye contact. They just play on their phones. Even in fine dining. Not every place, of course, but enough to be a trend.

but you actually mean your ancestors came from Germany or wherever centuries ago

My dude, I was born in a shtetl in Eastern Europe and immigrated to the United States. I went through the entire naturalization process, I learned English as a second language, etc.

Please continue to project, however.

It just is a different culture and again, if you don’t like it, stay away.

I embrace other cultures from a place of love. I'm also allowed to think certain things are silly or stupid. No place is perfect and that's okay!

I worked as a waitress in a major Scandinavian capital for a while, dealing with lots of tourists and USA tourists were just notorious for their ‘expectations’ and attitudes.

Haven't explored a lot of Scandinavia besides Copenhagen, it was okay! I live in a touristic city too, and tourists from all over make cultural faux pas all the time. It happens, and we give them grace. At least when you're dealing with an American, they're still likely to tip out of habit.

I’ll come back when you signal me over when actually ready

My dude, I would LOVE to signal someone. That's all I want. But how can I if you're not looking at us and it's rude to yell?

you can signal me over when I’m in eyesight.

You're not in eyesight if you're looking down at your phone. There's a disproportionate amount of that bullshit which isn't cultural.

Perhaps wait staff in your country need to be paid better so they're less motivated to slack off.

you go over and order at the bar, also pay there, sometimes upfront, sometimes after your meal

That's very very very common here too. We just call it counter service. I'm perfectly happy with counter service!

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NeverRarelySometimes@reddit

I have actually called a restaurant when my server was ignoring me, and asked them to send someone to take our order. It worked. And I made my complaint without actually complaining.

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luckylimper@reddit

That’s amazing

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re7swerb@reddit

Diabolical lol

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quaductas@reddit

ask if I want a check or dessert if my entree plate is cleared.

In Germany, asking if you want the check would be considered rude or at least unusual. That would feel as if they were trying to get rid of me. Let me chat at the empty table, maybe I'll get another drink at some point, or maybe I won't, and I will ask for the check when I want to leave.

But yeah, the struggle when trying to get ahold of a waiter is real, haha

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Pinwurm@reddit

Just to be clear, American service staff will rarely ask directly if you want the check.

They're trained to upsell, "Would you folks like to see a dessert menu, another drink or anything else?".

At that point you can reply "We're all set, just the check please".

If you want to hang around, it's usually polite to order another drink.

If it is a busy restaurant, turning over tables is how they make money. When you're spending time chatting away at an empty table not buying things, there's another couple waiting to be seated. The goal isn't to kick you out as soon as possible, but restaurants do budget about 90 minutes per couple for their reservation system.

Bars and coffeeshops don't need to budget time because people tend to make consistent purchases until they're ready to go.

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vivelabagatelle@reddit

Yeah, I think that's definitely a key difference with (places in) Europe. If I'm going out for a nice meal with friends or family, I'd expect to be staying 90 minutes minumum.

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PatrickHenry8@reddit

I hate going to restaurants partially because of feeling non stop interrupted by waiters or someone trying to fill a water glass that had only a few sips taken. That is not good service that is how I avoid going there. Ask order, bring drinks once, bring food once, bring check without giving dessert menus, and take check. No further encounters that is enough interaction.

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JazzRider@reddit

I prefer this. I hate it when I have a discussion going and a waiter interrupts, arrives at the table talking. It should be like entering a room. You don’t enter a room talking. Just a little patience-I’ll create a break in the conversation when you walk up to the table so you can take my order.

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sonic_dick@reddit

No one wants to stand there at a table awkwardly for 2 minutes while you "create a break in the conversation" dude, even more so if its busy. Most experienced waiters will give you a few seconds and wont directly interrupt you, but theres 30 other people that also need my attention.

I respectfully disagree as that is the regular experience we've had living in the US and experienced across all of the states we've travelled to across the US for the past three plus years. I understand what you're saying about clearing dishes and I wonder also if the thoughts about the table being cluttered are because serving sizes in general are bigger in the US than elsewhere and so the there are bigger plates? Just a theory.

I also find regularly that people will have main dishes (entrees in the US) while others are still eating their starter/appetizer. It's like there is no communication or coordination between the wait staff and the kitchen to time the meal so that everyone gets the same course at the same time. This also may feed into the clearing the dishes as soon as someone is done. Again just pondering.

It is very much a cultural difference we've noticed with eating here in the US. You guys grow up with it so I get it's normal for you and that eating outside of the US you would encounter a different style.

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Zaidswith@reddit

They mostly don't coordinate outside of fine dining. It''s on the table to decide. Within reason. Definitely a cultural expectation on the customer, not the wait staff. For example, appetizers aren't always shared so do you hold everyone's meal for that? Most places don't.

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Same! I like when they clear stuff that we’re done with.

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Spirited_Ingenuity89@reddit

It’s bad to have dirty dishes removed so you have more space on your table?

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Odd-Quail01@reddit

It's polite to let everyone finish at their own pace.

I'm sorry if you took that personally, that was not my intention.

As I said, it's cultural. I'm European. Most restaurants serve in courses. Bars would be different.

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linds3ybinds3y@reddit

I'm European. Most restaurants serve in courses.

I've been to 30+ European countries, and this hasn't been my experience at all. Which country are you from where most restaurants serve multi-course meals by default?

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Spirited_Ingenuity89@reddit

I didn’t take anything personally. You keep trying to make me be offended or sensitive or something, but I’m not. We’re all fine here, thanks.

I have eaten in many European restaurants, and outside of a few fine dining experiences, I don’t agree that “most restaurants serve in courses.” For example, when having (quite fancy) afternoon tea, plates were regularly taken and replaced. Perhaps you’re using the word “restaurant” more narrowly than we would in the US?

Either way, I was replying to someone criticizing American servers in American restaurants for clearing plates while people were still eating. It’s fairly normal here, and I was explaining why. I’m not saying that it should be that way anywhere else, just explaining what’s the norm in the US. It’s common for servers to say something like, “Lemme get that out of the way for you” and take some plates. They’ll often also add, “take your time” or “no hurry” or “no rush.”

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Zaidswith@reddit

That's just different cultural norms on display. Feel free to take as long as you want.

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No_Button_1750@reddit

Exactly what I was getting at.

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Zaidswith@reddit

It's not necessarily a sign to tell you to leave unless they're also cleaning off tables and putting up chairs around you.

It's just to give you space. You can stay as long as you want and you can tell them no.

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No_Button_1750@reddit

That is one of the BEST things about eating in the US versus NZ/Australia. I can't think of one time in the years we've lived here where staff are packing up around you.

Also have never once had an eatery say we're closing in x minutes or the kitchen's closed or we're only doing breakfast (or lunch) food now (this one may have happened once). In many places in NZ & Australia this is the experience and it sucks.

I love that I can order breakfast at 4pm if I want to!

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sonic_dick@reddit

Idk where youre eating, but separate breakfast/lunch/dinner menus are pretty much the standard outside of diners.

And yeah, most places won't physically close while youre still eating, but if the restaurant has been closed for 2 hours and youre the last table, still sitting there chatting away, most places are gonna do their closing stuff around you lol. Its a less than subtle "get the fuck out of here so we can go home" move.

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getoffmylawn100@reddit

Cultural difference. Many Americans prefer to have their dirty dishes removed. We're not rushing others, we just prefer a clear table. Also, we get leftovers boxed, so the server can do that on an as needed basis.

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bkdunbar@reddit

indicate you need something

I was so used to American ways of dining I did not know this was a thing. A friend took us to a restaurant for locals .. I was making a hand gesture and accidentally summoned the second waitress to the table.

“Yes sir?” She said appearing at light speed at my elbow.

Friend broke out in gales in laughter at the look of confusion on my face.

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cstar4004@reddit

Oh god, I would just never get served if I went to Europe, because Im not assertive enough. I’d have a panic attack asking for water if our orders are already placed. It takes me forever to get a drink at a bar, because I just stand there holding money and waiting until the bartender asks if I need anything.

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WryAnthology@reddit

Yes, this is something I didn't love when in the US! I'm from England and Australia, and in both countries you would subtly catch the waiter's eye to get them to come over. Service in the US was generally great and everyone was friendly, but I hated being interrupted all the time when we were eating/ trying to have a conversation with friends.

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The12th_secret_spice@reddit

How do you indicate you need something if you never see your server?

Flagging down/waiving at a waiter is considered rude, so most Americans don’t do that.

I wouldn’t say it’s bad, but I feel the service industry is more hospitable in the US. Drink refills, attentiveness, friendly/welcoming, etc.

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sonic_dick@reddit

Flagging down a waiter isnt really considered rude in the US. Its more of how you flag down a waiter.

A simple, polite, wave and "excuse me?" is totally fine. In fact, if you need something urgently, I want you to let me know! Its my job!

Frantically waving your arms like you're stranded on an deserted island flagging down an airplane while I'm carrying a heavy tray, or even worse, taking an order at a different table is not.

And if you snap your fingers at me, you will likely be ignored or scolded at best.

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YourGuyK@reddit

They are around, they just don't come to the table.

It's a culture difference, and both sides might suggest their waybill better. Europeans get annoyed that the server keeps bothering them in America, and we Americans get annoyed that we're being ignored in Europe, at least where I've been.

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The12th_secret_spice@reddit

So how do you get their attention? Around where? That’s where we (Americans) get confused.

I’ve had a few European waiters scoff at me when I asked them for something basic (like a napkin). I just don’t know what to do haha

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YourGuyK@reddit

They are in the room. You make eye contact or give a wave, just like you would in the US if you needed a server.

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quaductas@reddit

Flagging down/waiving at a waiter is considered rude

It isn't in Europe. Perfectly acceptable to give a small wave. If it's an attentive waiter, making eye contact and slightly raising a finger is enough. Sometimes you have to be a bit more bold. Obviously shouting would still be considered rude.

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Yeah, that's perfectly acceptable here, not sure what they're talking about.

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C19shadow@reddit

Oh yes thats why when im in Paris I yell "Garcon!" Every few minutes and ask the waiter to ask the rest of the table if they need anything so my wife and little siblings I take with us feel at home!

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CinemaSideBySides@reddit

This is the first I've heard of "I'll do" being flat-out rude to other English speakers. I know it's regional, even within the US, but that's all I ever thought it was - a regional phrasing. It's hard for me to wrap my head around "I'll do" said with a polite tone being offensive.

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Odd-Quail01@reddit

I'm British and neurodivergent. I wouldn't say it's offensive, just a really weird way of expressing something there are many other ways of saying.

"I'd like... please" being my preference.

BogieTime69@reddit

Since the server asks you a question first ...it seems more polite to answer directly... than to ask them another question.

But you are answering them directly. Like I said, it's phrased like a question but it really isn't a genuine one. And answering a question with a question is only inherently rude if it obfuscates an actual answer to the question, not if it genuinely functions as one. Do you think it's rude if someone answers "what flavor would you like?" with "do you have chocolate?"

When asking for the salt, you are asking the initial question.

So what?

Should the person passing the salt answer with another question?

Only if it's "would you like the pepper as well while I'm at it?"

Also, "pass the salt, please" is also a common phrase over here. :)

I'm sure it is. There's more than one polite way to say something.

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Sensei_Lollipop_Man@reddit

"do you have chocolate?" In this context is a clarifying question, making clear to the asker that your answer is contingent on whether they have chocolate. It is not a ingenuine question for the sake of politeness.

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StirlingS@reddit

"we don't even have such a concept in our culture"

I bet we do. I bet old money people and waitstaff at high end restaurants all know those rules.

Regular people do not even know those rules exist though, I agree.

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DesignByChance@reddit

We do have such concept in our culture if one was taught properly. I am not old money people but was taught to place my silverware together across my plate to signify I am finished eating. I was also taught to be polite. The problem is that most Americans are not taught proper etiquette.

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BogieTime69@reddit

Everyone is taught to be polite. Very few people are taught dining etiquette from the 1700's. I'm dubious that such stilted customs should be considered the "proper" way of doing things.

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Imaginary_Ladder_917@reddit

And to add to what you’re saying, I am sure that it really depends on where your ancestors came from. If your grandma was British, your mother was raised by her and will probably teach you those things. If your ancestors come from different places where that’s not a custom, you won’t have it as part of your custom. People acting like everyone should know this if they have any kind of etiquette is ridiculous.

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Spirited_Ingenuity89@reddit

The problem is that most Americans are not taught proper etiquette.

The US doesn’t have one cohesive, consistent concept of what’s considered “proper etiquette.” So no, all Americans aren’t taught the same thing because we don’t all agree on what that thing would be.

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On_my_last_spoon@reddit

It’s overwhelming and confusing to look up every minor cultural detail. I absolutely looked things up when I traveled to other countries. I did my best. But you can’t learn an entire culture’s small details without experience.

For me too, I’m used to having immigrant friends. I don’t expect newcomers to know all the details and I’m happy to explain things. So for me I’m also not at all offended when I’m corrected in about her country because small mistakes re simply inevitable.

Loisgrand6@reddit

Woooo 😂😂

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Quirky-Invite7664@reddit

“Why wear sunscreen when you can just drink the pain away” 😂

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jvc1011@reddit

Why, are they unkind to you?

Politeness is in the end a form of kindness. People can fail to live up to your cultural expectations and still be kind.

You likely don’t do a full study of every country that you visit prior to a three-day stint as part of a three-week vacation.

I say this as someone who has in fact had to make a study of different cultural norms and worked internationally: no one is going to do this perfectly, and perfection is far too much to expect of a casual traveler. Approaching people with goodwill of your own and assuming goodwill on their part will lower your stress levels tremendously.

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Arleare13@reddit

We do, but how the hell can we look into every tiny detail like "how to place cutlery to know when people are done eating?" That's such a minor thing, and even Americans who are making a real, genuine effort to adapt to local customs might not encounter that.

Do they know they come across as rude or just not care?

Personally, I'd rely on the good faith of the people I'm interacting with and expect they'd understand that not every tiny deviation from local custom is intended to be rude and not to be so damn judgmental.

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rando439@reddit

Sometimes, we'll do a fast run through multiple countries and may find conflicting information to mix us up.

There is a lot or variation regarding what is polite in the US, though. In some places, "I'll do" is so standard that it wouldn't occur to someone that it's rude. Someone ordering that way in other parts of the US will certainly run people the wrong way, though. Similarly, in some places, using "ma'am" or "sir" makes most things polite while in others those words are borderline offensive and we'll throw as many may, might, could, would, and maybes as possible.

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Etherbeard@reddit

Well, there it is.

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Yeah, and they MOVE here ~ aren’t temp tourists. 1714:1 Europeans move to USA:Patriots move to YURP The world is blended. And that’s okay. We just gotta learn and be humiliated along the way.

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anneofgraygardens@reddit

are you the same person who went to Las Vegas and was shocked to discover they couldn't find cider?

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KeyJunket1175@reddit

That hits different, coming from a nation infamous for how bad a tourist they are in Europe. Afaik it's the Brits that are banned in certain Spanish destinations due to littering and misbehaving, not the Americans.

Alas, why don't Brits research whether acting like an inconsiderate caveman is polite in different countries/cultures before travelling there?

Your example of “I’ll do” instead of “please can I have” would be extremely colloquial and we would assume both of those phrases to be so similar that we would never think to alter that.

Lastly, I think America in of itself has so many different regions, cultures, and local customs, there’s only a handful of manners that all Americans generally share. Your example of placing the knife and fork on a plate when you’re done eating, I have heard of that, but it’s not common practice in my region and it would be restaurant dependent. I’m gonna have a different set of manners in a fine dining establishment than I will at a pub or sports bar. It’s also going to vary person to person. In different parts of the country there are different, correct, and incorrect ways to eat pizza. In different parts of the country, there are different manners around how to eat shellfish. So we have our own regional etiquettes around things that there’s very few set “standards” for us. And that might not translate when we travel to a different country.

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warmvanillapumpkin@reddit

You can’t be serious

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Colifama55@reddit

Because it’s a transaction. Why would you expect someone to beg for food that they are paying for? When you bring them the bill, do you ask them “please can I have the money you owe for the meal?” Or do you just hand them the check and say “thank you” when they pay?

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GhostOfJamesStrang@reddit

how come people from the US don’t look into what’s polite in different countries/cultures before travelling there?

Lol. You think people from the UK come here and universally adopt our etiquette?

Surely you just.

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revengeappendage@reddit

Dying that a waiter in the uk says this considering the amount of people who do this with tipping here.

Certain cultural norms will be researched before travel but some things are so subconscious or just not even thought about. Ive traveled a fair bit and never once considered how id place my fork or change how I constructed a sentence.

They're are far more pressing cultural differences to learn to not piss people off rather then the small stuff people will just view as "odd".

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No_Cobbler154@reddit

you were just looking for a comment section fight with this, weren’t you? 😂 gtfo

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stiletto929@reddit

You would have to know something is different to think to ask that specific question…

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Sarollas@reddit

A Brit saying this is crazy.

You know the people famous for going on vacation, getting sloshed and trashing places

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TheOwlMarble@reddit

The "please can I have" thing is not something I'd expect someone to be affronted by. That's a level of nuance that's not going to readily appear in a Google search. This feels like the times people split hairs between "you're welcome" and "no problem."

Beyond that, going to a restaurant is a business transaction: I give you money, you give me food. There's no negotiation there. Making it a polite request is just... inaccurate. There's nothing wrong with a culture having established niceties, but when they're subtle like that, it's not going to be obvious.

Finally, I used to work for a multinational with a number of British coworkers that came here for business trips. I don't think I ever heard them use the word "please" in any context.

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Imaginary_Ladder_917@reddit

That’s a pretty specific wording issue and there’s no way we can look up every possible situation to learn the tiny nuances of another dialect. Have you done that when traveling to the US? Also, do you literally say “please can I have” every time you order? I’ve been to the UK and Ireland and I don’t recall the locals using that wording. I feel like foreigners have this expectation that Americans should somehow be able to learn every single cultural norm of a place they are visiting, yet they don’t seem to bother when coming here.

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ComesInAnOldBox@reddit

I feel like foreigners have this expectation that Americans should somehow be able to learn every single cultural norm of a place they are visiting, yet they don’t seem to bother when coming here.

If it was a non-western country they might. Alot of people wouldnt think London was foreign enough to look to deeply into the intricacies of ordering a meal.

Are you in fine dining? Cause that honestly seems nit picky if the overall conversation was polite. I’ll always say please and thank you to a server but not before every sentence.

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Top_Blacksmith2845@reddit

I do try to do a decent amount of understanding of places, but I don't think "fork code" ever would have come up.

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EmmalouEsq@reddit

Honestly, how much can you study just for a short trip? You can't learn an entire culture for a short vacation that would possibly take months (people have while PhD dissertations on such things).

Likewise, do you know what's polite and expected of visitors in the US in every state where you'll travel (because it does vary greatly).

How about be an adult and use your words. It's not like they're throwing bread or snapping their fingers at you to get your attention or something.

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MillieBirdie@reddit

It's uncommon for any tourist to do that from any nationality though. And the other thing is you don't know what you don't know, if you don't know that your method of finishing dinner is wrong in other countries then you won't know to look up the right way.

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FunTricky903@reddit

Tell you what, we’ll learn to play your fork games when you guys stop bitching about having to tip here.

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and don't forget that they always show up when you just take a bite.

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eeyorespiglet@reddit

Yeah, American servers are constantly hovering over you, asking questions as soon as you are mid-bite and expecting an immediate answer, and being as absurdly loud if its a birthday.

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crypticcamelion@reddit

That would unfortunately not go so well in many European countries as we would find it disturbing. A good waiter is there when you need him but othervise invisible. Placing knife and fork together is I believe internationnally recognised as being done. I suspect that is also the case in more expencive restaurants in America ? or ?

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CanoePickLocks@reddit

It is. Most Americans even know it unconsciously. If you pointed out to them, they would be able to understand it and use it easily.

I love the service system in America. Just hate the tipping culture but the two are mostly intertwined because of tipping you get more attention and better service. Typically. The part I always struggle with servers outside of America is the moments when your drink is empty or you would like another dish or something similar. At the end of the meal and the beginning it’s fine it’s the steps in between when a bit more attention would be nice. In the unobtrusive way servers in most places are outside of America. A great server in America can absolutely hold their own with minimal training anywhere in the world.

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apollymi@reddit

Personally, I try to put my silverware together, tines down, on the plate, with my napkin folded as neatly as I can at the side of the plate. That’s how I learned how to do it way back in the yesteryears of high school French class, and that’s how it’s stayed in my memory.

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LadyGreyIcedTea@reddit

I've had servers literally try to take my plate away as I'm mid bite and I'm like "whoa, I'm not done."

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CaterpillarIcy1056@reddit

Yes, this. Whenever I am in the UK, I try so hard to flag down the wait staff to indicate we are done. It feels like we are stuck there 15+ minutes trying to get the check because they don’t come back to the table.

I honestly hate table service anyway. I hate tipping culture. I hate having to interact with a server throughout my meal.

I prefer takeout or counter service. Hands down.

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BaseballImpossible76@reddit

My dad did this a lot when I was a kid. If you order a salad with your meal, they’ll bring it out almost 10 minutes before your food. He would only eat a bite or two of it until all of his food showed up and usually had to tell the server he wasn’t finished.

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byebybuy@reddit

It's called "coursing." If you order a salad and an entree (not talking about side salads that come with entrees here), good servers will course your meal. Your salad will come first, and then they'll work with the kitchen to time your entree so that it arrives when you're done eating your salad.

If you want your salad to arrive alongside your entree, all you have to do is ask. They'll just wait to make the salad until your entree is ready.

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springreleased@reddit

As a server in the US, I have the same problem and I hate having to ask. The place I serve sends out multiple plates at a time with sides and sauces, etc.

Then when you ask for the plates that people are done with, suddenly you have four people haphazardly shoving a bunch of half full and impossible to stack plates at you without a lot of room at the table to deal with all of it.

If you have no intention of cleaning your plate, it’s much preferable to have a visual signal, such as crossed silverware, a napkin, straw wrappers or other trash, etc. that let you know which plates are good to grab when you have the time and free hands to grab them. Or even better, a neat stack at the end of the table. It’s a better experience for both the server and the customer not to be sitting there among their remains.

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Zomb_96@reddit

This

I hate the phrase "are you still working on that" makes people sound like cattle, haha.

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loop1960@reddit

Me too

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EasyMode556@reddit

Often they push the plate forward a bit, sometimes it’s the fork / knife fully on the plate (as opposed to the handles resting on the table off of it)

If they put their napkin on the plate, that is a sure sign they’re done. Other times they’ll simply ask for the check when you come by and see how they’re doing

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ne0rmatrix@reddit

I am in Canada. Never knew there was any etiquette for that sort of thing. I just assumed after we have finished eating we were supposed to finish our coffee/drink and unless we were getting desert it was expected for us to leave. I am usually only delayed because I have to wait for the bill. Leaving without paying is illegal. But being stuck waiting for 10 to 15 minutes at the front of the restaurant can get annoying.

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HomemadeBananas@reddit

Normally I push my plate away a little and flip the fork over.

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Eric848448@reddit

I have to verbally ask

Yeah that’s how.

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EconomyScall@reddit

They take their insulin

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lochlowman@reddit

As a child I was taught to put the cutlery at four o’clock on the plate to signal that I was finished. I taught that to my kids too. But now I see most younger people leave it every which way, like a fork on the plate with the handel resting on the table so the poor waiter has to pick up the utensils and put them on the plate first before clearing. It’s no wonder Europeans think we’re uncouth.

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Extreme-Carob6954@reddit

I have 2 granddaughters who worked in a local restaurant in our town. We are in the US. They instructed me to pile the plates on top of each other with leftover food on top with the utensils and put it at the edge of the table. I do this whenever I eat out now. I always get a thank you for doing that.

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BuzzyB678@reddit

Waitstaff in US will actually ask customers - repeatedly, sometimes - if we are still eating. “Are you still working on that?” is the most frequently used phrase for this. The customer says yes or no.

So that’s why a lot of us in US haven’t learned the cutlery trick to indicate we are done. We don’t have to here. Waitstaff here is trained to hover over your table. Often, your soda or tea or water will be refilled without your even needing to look up and ask.

I've been to Europe many times and the waiters don't come back, it's so annoying. many times I would like another drink or maybe dessert and I have sat for so long trying to get their attention I just want to leave. many times I had to get up from the table and find someone to get my check

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Formal_Employee_1030@reddit

Agreed, and it always makes me weirdly anxious, like they're going to trap me there.

I know I'm an uncultured boor, but I also hate the idea of the two-hour meal (unless it's a special occasion). Let me move on with my life!

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Android10@reddit

Ya I agree just had this same culture shock traveling to Europe. At a mid to upper range restaurant in Greece I managed to flag the server down after quite a while for the check (he was busy) but then he gave me the receipt and took off not even holding the payment machine. So I got up and just followed him to pay. Was annoying for me

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PumaGranite@reddit

The goal of service in the US is to generally anticipate the needs of the guest and meet them as soon as possible. Servers are trained to watch guests regularly and be ready to jump if something is needed. In more casual settings this also means more direct interaction, for example the classic “how is everything?” when you’ve just taken a bite. This is to anticipate if there’s something wrong with the dish, it can be solved as soon as possible and the guest doesn’t have to wait a long time for it to be fixed. This also extends to bussing, and servers will ask if it’s not clear, because someone who has stopped eating but there’s still food on the plate might want to take the food home.

This is the major difference, because it’s considered bad service if your guest has to chase you down to solve a problem or fulfill a request/need, and then they have to wait a long time for it to be solved.

Either way, no server is standing around waiting to see when you take a bite.

Nor are they trying to embarrass you when they happen to check in after you've taken a bite.

Pinwurm@reddit

A lot of (disproportionately Asian) restaurants in the US are adopting tablets/iPads at the table. A

The entire menu is on the tablet in multiple languages and whenever you need anything, you just click it and submit it. Including refills. If you need a staff member to answer any questions or make recommendations, there's a button to call someone over too. If you need to settle up, all there.

It's pretty much the optimal service experience.

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okeverythingsok@reddit

I used to live in the Koreatown neighborhood of Los Angeles and most of the restaurants there have this system. I quickly fell in love with it. Why it hasn’t been more widely adopted in the US, I’ll never understand.

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Zaidswith@reddit

Korean restaurants in Alabama mostly have it as well.

Divine_Entity_@reddit

We don't rely on any universal signals, but i generally put silverware and paper napkins on the plate when finished, and move it closer to the edge where the waiter can grab it easier. (Cloth napkins will be washed and no reason to make them grosser. Paper ones get scraped into the trash with any leftover food scraps or just the half mountain of fries nobody is expected to actual finish.)

ThersATypo@reddit

Actually, it's:

Silverware on plate, non crossing, from left and right - not done, just pausing.

Silverware parallel on the plate (best from the right) - I'm done, all fine.

Silverware crossed - I'm done, your food sucked.

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ThersATypo@reddit

Oh, and when you're ready to order - close and put down the menu. This tells the waiter you're ready to order.

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byebybuy@reddit

That's true here, too, although it's not followed by everyone.

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yellowlinedpaper@reddit

Wait, seriously, the crossing of the utensils means tells them the food sucked??

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StirlingS@reddit

Specifically with the knife tip in between the tines, according to a Google search I did the other day, yes.

And if the fork and knife go in between the 6 o'clock and 12 o'clock positions, that's regular "I'm done". If it's 3 and 9, that means the food was excellent.

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VirtualMatter2@reddit

As a European I can say that I don't want a friend, I don't want to be interrupted my meal. It's seen a rude in Europe. Customers wave if they need anything like another drink the bill and expect to be left alone otherwise. American service would be considered rude and intrusive in Europe.

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FallenAngelina@reddit

People sometimes do, but waving at a waiter is considered a rather gauche and oddly entitled gesture in America. Most of us wait for the waiter to walk near us at very least. Yes, the restaurant interaction in the States is much more attentive and friend-oriented.

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VirtualMatter2@reddit

Waving is normal here and not gauche or entitled ( unless you scream through restaurant or something) and I don't need a friend. If a friend invites me to dinner I don't have to pay for it. If you expect me to pay them leave me TF alone to enjoy it.

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goldenhairmoose@reddit

When travelling to the US I am always amazed how much I get to interact with the people around me. Which is nice, for the most part.

Just ask. It’s not that mysterious

I hate constantly being asked if I'm finished while I'm trying to enjoy the meal. Feels like I'm being rushed. Twice recently I've even been asked if I wanted a box for my leftovers (it was a personal sized pizza, yes, casual dining, but good god, it's still a restaurant) while I had just put my food down for half a sec to talk to my companion. I can't relax and enjoy food and conversation when I'm constantly asked if I'm finished and they seem desperate to take away my plate.

This is why we have conventions like cutlery placement, placing the napkin on the plate, that sort of thing. And yes, people who learned basic table manners even in America know this.

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lllyyyynnn@reddit

interrupting is rude, which is why we have the very easy to do silverware flag.

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VirtualMatter2@reddit

In Europe that can be seen as rude. Servers shouldn't interrupt your meal any questions.

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segdy@reddit

This just drives me nuts living in the US. They just pull away plates. Sometimes I get asked if I’m done while still chewing. Why would I be done if I’m still eating??

I am a slow eater, I tend to finish my plate to the last bit. Too often they misinterpret the last bit on the plate as “I’m done” and just pull away the plate. When I’m with other people i feel uncomfortable defending myself in front of the waiter.

Usually in America Waiters/Waitresses will ask you how you're doing and if you need anything else

before they give you the cheque

if you wanted a dessert that's the time to order one or if you want to put in a order to go before you leave.

its usually not a problem

scrumdidllyumtious@reddit

Ask

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kmfix@reddit

I’ve had many waiters try to remove my partially eaten dishes in their expediency.

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throwaway1975764@reddit

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FunTricky903@reddit

See, our waitstaff are permitted to speak and simply ask if you’re finished if they’re unsure. We do not need to resort to fork code to communicate.

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GhostOfJamesStrang@reddit

This really does get back to the more formal class system.

You would never condescend to actually speak to your servants.

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Beneficial-Pitch-430@reddit

But the US had a war with itself to keep servants?

This is something that is just common and normal all over Europe but isn’t taught in America unless you go to boarding/finishing schools.

https://www.forbes.com/sites/tanyamohn/2011/10/26/things-americans-should-but-often-dont-do-when-dining-out/

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GhostOfJamesStrang@reddit

More than 160 years ago.

That has no relevance on what is proper dining etiquette.

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Beneficial-Pitch-430@reddit

Is it not the same as people saying it’s a hangover from the class system though?

The US elite have waitstaff and servants during formal meals where this sort of thing would be normal.

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GhostOfJamesStrang@reddit

Not really. At least not in the way that you seem to think.

To treat waitstaff as lesser persons is considered extremely rude.

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Beneficial-Pitch-430@reddit

Who says they are being treated as lesser persons? They are literally the same as us?

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GhostOfJamesStrang@reddit

How is being unwilling to converse with them beyond sending a signal with your cutlery treating them as equals?

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Beneficial-Pitch-430@reddit

It’s not being unwilling to converse with them. It’s literally nothing like that.

You talk to them, order your food and drinks, they bring it, you talk to them. They check 5-10 mins later to see if everything’s ok, you talk to them…

Then they leave you to it. They don’t need to and we don’t want them to keep checking on us repeatedly, as if we are children.

We finish, put knives and forks on the plate (where else would they go anyway?)

Then they collect the plates, ask if it was all ok, we talk to them.

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GreenBeanTM@reddit

Yes, you give them orders and then do not speak to them.

GreenBeanTM@reddit

No, I’m not anti-UK or Europe, I’m anti pretentious assholes.

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Beneficial-Pitch-430@reddit

I don’t understand how you could possibly think leaving a knife and fork on a plate is pretentious? Like get a grip really.

You say you have no problem with different cultures.. but then you clearly have when that different culture does something you think is high and mighty.. when it’s literally just a normal thing to do.

And yes, it is something that happens in America too. Maybe this is where you get your view from, because over there it’s saved for formal dinners.

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GhostOfJamesStrang@reddit

K.

So what's the problem.

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Beneficial-Pitch-430@reddit

I’m not even saying there’s a problem, I’m just saying it’s weird that the consensus in here is that everyone serving is a peasant because knives and forks are left in the middle..

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GhostOfJamesStrang@reddit

I’m not even saying there’s a problem

Neither are we. We are just explaining how and why we did not adopt this custom.

You then brought up our Civil War as if that is somehow relevant. It's weird.

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Beneficial-Pitch-430@reddit

So, when you’re at home and you finish, where do you put your knife and fork when you clear your plates up? Assuming there is one plate to clear away?

I only brought it up because the general consensus in here is that European countries must treat wait staff as slaves, and we don’t want to talk to them. Which is not true.

Looking back, slavery was abolished by an act of parliament via a vote in 1834. So it’s weird that those on here saying it’s all to do with slaves/servants are living in a country that actually went to war just to keep them. Basically the only first world country to do such a thing.

It may be a custom that started 250 years ago as a signal, but it doesn’t indicate ‘don’t speak to me’ anymore. It’s literally just a convenient place to put them, shows you’re done and staff can come and clear the table and ask about desert or the bill.

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FunTricky903@reddit

living in a country that actually went to war just to keep them

Again, you’re aware that the US wasn’t the side that was fighting to keep them, right? You know that was the Confederacy? The side that was no longer part of the US?

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Beneficial-Pitch-430@reddit

The losing side were still absorbed into the US, along with everyone that held the pro slavery views, with many in the south still supporting the confederacy.

I didn’t say the Union was pro.

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No, the confederacy, not slavery.

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FunTricky903@reddit

And you think even that has “tons of support”?

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Beneficial-Pitch-430@reddit

Well, to me it was really weird seeing lifted trucks with confederate flags on the back.. as well as posts on socials in general with flags, ‘the south will rise’ etc over them.

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FunTricky903@reddit

You were going though people’s “socials” while you were in Texas, or did you see some posts on Facebook and took that to mean the entire region is about to bring back slavery?

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Beneficial-Pitch-430@reddit

No. I mean now, it’s the sort of thing that appears on Facebook/Twitter or even on here every now and then.

Dashcam footage, lifted trucks with flags on etc. It sees far more common than it should be.

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GreenBeanTM@reddit

Yes, things go viral because they’re unique not because they’re the norm.

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GhostOfJamesStrang@reddit

It’s a movement that still has tons of support in southern states even to this day.

No it isn't. Lol.

You're clueless dude.

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Beneficial-Pitch-430@reddit

The confederacy, not slavery.

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GhostOfJamesStrang@reddit

And people who fly it today do not, usually, attribute those beliefs to it.

I think that is stupid, but that is the perspective of some. It is a general symbol of rebellion. I personally think there are far better ones.

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GhostOfJamesStrang@reddit

I am not interested in your constant non sequiters.

It may be a custom that started 250 years ago as a signal, but it doesn’t indicate ‘don’t speak to me’ anymore.

That's great.

That is also completely irrelevant.

We never really adopted it. That doesn't make us wrong. We have simply been explaining that. You keep taking issue with our explanation.

slavery was abolished by an act of parliament via a vote in 1834

I'm sure India thinks that's really neat.

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Beneficial-Pitch-430@reddit

Why isn’t it relevant? I’m stating it’s literally just a convenient place to leave your knife and fork once finished… and then staff also know you’re finished, because where else would you leave them?

GreenBeanTM@reddit

I carry them in my hand underneath the plate or somewhere completely random on it.

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letmesingyouawaltz_@reddit

it's not natural lol, this entire thread is about it being cultural. Different placements on the plate indicate whether you are finished or still eating; these placements are learned, not ingrained.

Opposite in the UK at least. We don’t want staff checking often, if we need them we will get their attention. They will always come and check once or twice but really you just want to be left to your meal and your conversation with friends.

Cheap_Coffee@reddit

If it's not a custom in this country then it's not really etiquette, is it?

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GhostOfJamesStrang@reddit

There's the European way or the wrong way. You know that.

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GhostOfJamesStrang@reddit

It is outdated etiquette.

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AdventurousExpert217@reddit

Except in other countries it's considered rude to interrupt diners during their meals, so customers cross their knife and forks to let the server know they are finished. It's not that they aren't permitted to speak; it's that they are being polite by the unspoken tules of THEIR country. As travelers, we need to remember that we are in someone else's house, and good manners dictate we play by their rules, not ours.

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Beneficial-Pitch-430@reddit

I think this is the difference. In the UK we don’t want to be asked if everything’s ok every 5-10 mins. Same across Europe.

You have your meal, they will usually check on you once after 5 mins or so.. and after that you just get on with it. Only if there is a problem do you then get staffs attention.

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FunTricky903@reddit

Who needs to ask if everything’s okay every 5 of 10 minutes? OP made it clear this is happening at the end of the meal.

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Beneficial-Pitch-430@reddit

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AdventurousExpert217@reddit

I lived in Europe for two years and have traveled back there often. I've never encountered this attitude rfom Europeans until an American starts bragging about how great America is. They WILL give better than they get in that regard.

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GreenBeanTM@reddit

Spend an hour in this sub, you’ll see it.

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FunTricky903@reddit

No, I could care less about the knife and fork custom.

I know it because my grandmother taught it to me; her parents were immigrants from Wales. She made sure I knew this rule before I moved to Europe in the 80s.

I don't blame my fellow Americans for not knowing it, but other countries have different rules, and if you're going to travel abroad, you should do some research on politeness customs of the countries your are traveling to before you go, so you don't accidentally come across as rude or entitled. To me, that's just common sense.

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On_my_last_spoon@reddit

But no matter what it’s difficult to learn all the rules. Why not extend some grace to travelers who are trying their best? Especially for etiquette that simply doesn’t exist here. I’m not a cultural anthropologist, I’m a tourist.

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AdventurousExpert217@reddit

I literally said, "I don't blame my fellow Americans for not knowing it." But cultures are different, people have to eat when they travel, and Google exists. A little research on cultural norms surrounding the things you know you will be doing when you travel to a different country is just responsible traveling practice. That doesn't mean you won't make mistakes, but the knife and fork signal is the second thing that comes up when you Google "dining practices for customers in the UK."

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artourtex@reddit

I don’t know, I’m American and grew up abroad, so very used to traveling and seeing where the unspoken rules are. The thing I’ve learned is that it is unreasonable to expect people to learn the unspoken cultural norms of a country when they don’t know what to look for.

Most Americans that I’ve seen travel are hyper conscious of not being rude in other countries, they just don’t know what to look for. And that’s natural, you can’t learn what you don’t know. Plus, Americans are far from having the worst reputation abroad. When I lived overseas, they were among the most desirable tourists because at least they were friendly (and tipped). Aussies, Brits, Chinese, Indian, French, German, and Japanese tourists ALL had worst reputations than the Americans. And most of them also have stereotypes about being perceived as horribly rude abroad.

When traveling to a new country, part of the experience is messing up and having cultural tensions. It’s inevitable and not unique to Americans.

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AdventurousExpert217@reddit

I agree, for the most part. I was mostly responding to the previous commentor's snarky "our waitstaff are permitted to speak." I will say with the entire internet at your fingertips, it's not that hard to google the most common politeness rules in the country you're planning on visiting.

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FunTricky903@reddit

You seem upset. Wanna talk about it?

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Read my comment again, slowly. Then think about it, for as long as it takes. Get a Reading tutor to help you with inference-making if you need to. I have faith you can figure it out.

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FunTricky903@reddit

What did you find so upsetting? Was it my lack of reverence towards The Fork Code?

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AdventurousExpert217@reddit

Your lack of respect for the customs in other people's countries. If you don't like those customs or can't abide them, don't go. This isn't a human rights issue, buddy. It's just a different way of being polite - something you clearly don't get.

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FunTricky903@reddit

Your lack of respect for the customs in other people's countries.

You’re really extrapolating quite a bit. Is this all because I didn’t speak about the cutlery orientation in hushed, reverent tones?

don’t go

Yes, and often they will politely wait for the server to come back because they don't want to be rude. The last time my husband and I went to Europe we thought it was so odd but a pleasant surprise that staff allowed us to eat for as long as we wanted and never rushed us to move along. We have no idea they were waiting for us to signal that we were done!

In the states, the server will often come by the table and ask if they can bring us anything else, or if we've "left room for dessert." That's usually a cue for us to either ask for something else, or to say "no thanks, could you please bring the check."

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DrAuer@reddit

My wife and I had the opposite experience lol we had a jam packed itinerary and it felt like we had to pull teeth to get a server to let us pay for our meal and leave. We always found ourselves having to flag them down when they were doing something for another table which felt incredibly rude even if we had our plates stacked and napkins and cutlery in the middle of them.

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Majestic-Vehicle5393@reddit

Maybe you should have picked a fast food place then.. in Europe servers aren’t seen as personal ‘butlers’ to patrons. Yes, there is certain etiquette like cutlery placement that is most commonly followed by guests. Also, we are not a rush, especially in the south of Europe; dinner/lunch can take hours. Also, we get paid a living wage and are not dependent on tips so less inclined to ‘kiss ass’ and be overly friendly. We serve, get you what you need, but we’re not your friend. And sometimes you’ll need to wait. Also, if you treat your server rudely, we will ignore you and not make an effort. We don’t need to, we are still human beings = if you treat me like shit, I’ll do the same to you.

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DrAuer@reddit

What about my comment made you think I wanted a personal butler or was rude to my server? I just wanted to pay and leave after finishing my meal and drinks without waiting 30+ minutes or having to interrupt them when they were doing something.

If you read what I wrote, we had everything stacked and ready to make it easier to take away which would make their job easier.

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What are you even talking about? Are you even reading what I’m writing? Are you a bot?

All I said was that it took awhile to pay unless I flagged them down (which is considered rude in the US so I felt bad about it) or waited, which you yourself just said is common. At no point did I say I was upset with them or felt ignored or that it was even unexpected, in fact every server we had was always nice and courteous.

I’m not even sure you’re replying to the right person at this point.

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Majestic-Vehicle5393@reddit

I am, and I’m not a bot, and I fully stand by my comments. Americans are generally considered pretty rude and unwilling to follow any sort of societal/cultural cues when visiting other countries. Not necessarily on purpose, but definitely annoying.

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GreenBeanTM@reddit

It’s not being unwilling to follow them, it’s not knowing them. Which should be obvious to you since you literally pointed out that it’s “not necessarily on purpose”

And I love to break it to you, the same goes for literally anyone when they’re in a foreign country. If you’ve ever been a tourist then you’ve been an annoying tourist.

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Majestic-Vehicle5393@reddit

Sure, not claiming I’m perfect whatsoever, but there are levels to being an annoying tourist and American (USA) tourists just have a bad reputation in lots of places in Europe.

The amount of times I’ve heard a USA tourist tell me ‘well I’m the customer, so I expect you do arrange this or that for me’ or having to repeatedly tell them to lower their voices since we have other guests that are bothered by their loudness (and even had to kick them out for it) Having ongoing conversations about not going to accommodate their dietary needs (because we can’t) or any kind disability needs; ‘but what about ADA!!!’ Having to explain that this is NOT the USA so I couldn’t care less about your ADA policies.

Telling them to stop filming random people, without consent, with their phones inside the restaurant/outside terrace; it’s both extremely rude and illegal.

Explaining endlessly we gladly serve them but we also have expectations from our guest to make sure everyone (also the NON USA) guests to have a good experience and therefore we kindly ask them to follow our rules and guidelines regarding: - ordering (all at once, no splitting bills, choosing from a set menu for groups, no accommodations expect small accommodations like minus like tomato on a burger) - being respectful of other guests; low volume when conversing, no playing of music/videos on phones, not for kids either) kids stay in their seat, no walking/running/crawling. - water is not free, arguing isn’t gonna make it free either -we are not a personal butler, so waving at us to get our attention is fine, but we are unlikely to attend you straight away, and patience is expected. -

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GreenBeanTM@reddit

And European tourists have a bad reputation in a lot of places in the rest of the world.

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Gamershift@reddit

God you sound insufferable. They just asked their waiter for a check, so they could give the restaurant their requisite money and be on their way. What other possible option would you prefer they did?

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Majestic-Vehicle5393@reddit

I was just explaining why, in my experience, they had to wait. They mentioned in other comments ‘this was happening all the time’ thus me explaining what could have happened, and pointing out that if they felt this was an issue ‘all the time’ the problem is probably them, not knowing or understanding (or not willing to) that European restaurant culture is just way different. And the difficulties servers experience in dealing with American guests. To give an insight about what to expect as an American tourist and what ‘we’ expect as acceptable behaviour from our guests. Maybe learn some from it, or stay home 😊

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poisonedkiwi@reddit

Yeah, don't pay too much mind to that reply you got. It looks like another elitist European trying to dog on American customs/culture because Europe is superior or something.

Traditional-Let9530@reddit

They mostly just go by context not signals, like plates looking done, people leaning back or pausing, and servers will just ask casually instead of relying on cutlery placement.

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CreepinJesusMalone@reddit

Honestly, I just find it interesting that apparently the tourists they wait on seem to leave a mess lol.

I was raised to stack the clean plates with the dirtiest on top and then place the silverware and used napkins, sugar packets, straw wrappers, etc on the top as well.

I can't honestly remember eating out with anyone in my life that didn't clean up like that through the meal.

I often scrape crumbs onto the used plate and wipe up any spill with a napkin as well. I know they'll turn the table over anyway but I don't like sitting in a food mess.

Plus, as others have said, in the US, the servers usually clean plates as you go depending on context. If the bread basket runs out they'll take the empty one and ask if you want more. When the appetizer/salad/soup course looks like it may be over or the entrees or about to be done, they'll ask if you're ready for the intro dishes to be taken away. If so, they'll take them, if not they'll leave it. I guess I'm biased but this method makes total sense to me.

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thomsenite256@reddit

I was a waiter. We dont want this.

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StinkyStangler@reddit

Interesting that you clean and stack your plates, I’ve always been told not to do that because you don’t know how the restaurant cleans up and if what you’re doing is more of an inconvenience to them than a help

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Glittering_Search_41@reddit

Interesting that you clean and stack your plates, I’ve always been told not to do that because you don’t know how the restaurant cleans up and if what you’re doing is more of an inconvenience to them than a help

Jops817@reddit

You would be shocked how many people do not understand that, though.

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PhilosophyBitter7875@reddit

I was a busser and then a waiter at a pretty casual beach place and it was pretty rare for the stacked plates to be done in an obnoxious way.

We had bus bins so I didn't really care, Just drop the mess in the bucket, but it was rare if something nasty was sandwiched in between plates.

Now if I had to carry the plates by hand that would probably be a different story

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Jops817@reddit

My place was a seafood restaurant, meaning lots of melted butter that our good samaritans stacked on the table to solidify and stick them all together, and soak all of the linen napkins, it was awful haha.

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mmmurphy17@reddit

Awful, I can only imagine! I worked at a tex mex place once and stacked plates often had guac & sour cream in between. Which would often fall into your shoe and the floor as the plates were unstacked

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byebybuy@reddit

this assumes people aren't gross idiots

Why would a couple plates together make it more difficult? I don't stack a table's worth of plates together. I do my own place setting with utensils and any paper on top. Sorry internet stranger, I think I'll follow my mom's advice on this one.

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byebybuy@reddit

I do my own place setting with utensils and any paper on top

That's fine but this conversation is more about people who stack up a few settings all together. As a longtime server, I'll give you some reasons why I'd personally prefer folks didn't.

I don't want to use two hands to pick up and carry a stack of plates. I want to be able to carry them in one hand while keeping my other arm completely free to navigate the dining room.
Maybe you think you stack plates well, but so many people are simply terrible at it. Or they make it a challenge to stack all plates in a single tower because they think it's most helpful or neatest that way. If I had to give broad advice to the general public about it, I'd err on the side of "just leave it alone and let the server do it," because generally speaking the public can't be trusted.
Leaving plates unstacked is not in the least offensive or rude.

So basically since it's not rude and it's not making servers jobs considerably harder (and for many, actually making it easier), you should feel perfectly okay with not stacking plates.

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I reckon. I've never had anyone look put off by it. It's not like I'm stacking 20 plates. It's usually 2-3 and I clean it the way I used to when I worked as a server and bussed tables. Never seen trash get blown off the top, I'm not sure how else you'd suggest doing it lol.

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katebandit@reddit

They work for tips. They’re not going to look put off even if they are.

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CreepinJesusMalone@reddit

Like I said, I worked as a server and bussed tables, and the litany of responses from others who have as well are evidence that I'm not doing anything off-putting.

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CreepinJesusMalone@reddit

You didn't. You implied leaving the trash scattered around the table, which isn't a solution.

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Effective_Coach7334@reddit

You didn't.

yes, very clearly in plain language

you really should leave the stacking and trash for them to decide how to handle

Only-Breadfruit-6108@reddit

No it’s not fine.

Even the simple act of picking up an awkward stack and lifting them over a customer is bad, wrong, and unnecessary.

Just don’t stack. Ever. It’s pretty simple. Let the people do their jobs.

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CranberryStock7148@reddit

No it's not fine. If everybody is at the table stacking a small plate on top of a large plate, then the server has to unstack each one so they can create their own separate stack of all of the large plate plates on bottom with all of the small plates on top.

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arcticmischief@reddit

I’ve spent 4 of the last 8 months in Europe and I still find this maddening. So many times I’ve been tempted to finally just raise my hand like a third-grader with a question for the teacher instead of trying to catch the server’s eye or whatever you’re supposed to do to get dessert or the bill or whatever.

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VirtualMatter2@reddit

You put your hand up with a little wave. That's what you do. That's what everyone does. If you get maddened by local customs maybe you shouldn't travel. We find it rude to be interrupted during our meal and don't want to bothered. We put our hand up and wave if we need anything. American waiters would be seen as rude in Europe. Either do as the locals do, or go back home if you can't cope.

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arcticmischief@reddit

I have tried the hand wave thing. Your waiters are very practiced at never looking in my direction.

I’ve been to 87 countries and have spent probably a combined five years of my life outside of the US. I reserve the right to be judgmental about local customs. Just like I can’t stand the touts of Southeast Asia for the filth of India. Europe does a lot of things right, and for the most part, better than the way we do things in the US, but I can be aggravated at almost missing my train because I can’t get the waiter’s attention so I can pay and get out.

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VirtualMatter2@reddit

I've never had a problem flagging a waiter in Europe and I've been to many countries. And if it's a really busy tourist spot and they really don't see me and I'm in a rush I just walk up to the bar and pay there. It's normal. I don't know why Americans can get attention.

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VirtualMatter2@reddit

Not sure why you're down voted. That's exactly what you do in Europe. I wouldn't want the American service that comes and interrupts my meal.

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Pizzagoessplat@reddit

Isn't it normal to flag down a waiter in the US?

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VirtualMatter2@reddit

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskAnAmerican/comments/1ssj22a/comment/ohn6721/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

My experience as an American traveling abroad is that it's nearly impossile to get a server's attention because they don't even look at you. How can I nod if you won't make eye contact, and how can I say "excuse me" if you're hanging out on the other side of the room, and not lifting your head to look at each of your tables from time to time?

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Pizzagoessplat@reddit

As a person who's travelled to most European countries I rarely have issues.

Have you tried getting up and going to the bar/waiter if you need something or to pay the bill?

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CanoePickLocks@reddit

To be fair I’ve seen it before but again it’s not a monolith and other parts of the world have different standards.

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SeaGurl@reddit

Yeah its definitely a cultural difference. While Americans can stick around and drink its not super common and were used to needing to leave soon after we finish a meal.

Im pretty sure its a- our puritanical work ethic i.e. all work no play and b- tipping culture.

Mom liked having her salad with the entree. Wait staff would ask to take the plate and her face would get tight and she would hiss: Leave it!

If they asked as the entree was being served she would get almost aggressive. Lol. Special spot in heaven for her, I'm sure. 😇

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K_N0RRIS@reddit

Servers here generally pay close attention to their tables (the good servers) as they work based on tips. So being attentive really matters. If you wait enough tables, people tend to follow certain patterns when they eat. Servers usually stop by their tables every 5 or 10 minutes to check on their customers as well.

Distinct_Damage_735@reddit

Interesting, I learned "knife and fork together", but I never heard "at 4 o'clock". That's the problem with some of these signals; they only work if everybody knows the same signal.

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Glittering_Search_41@reddit

Everyone used to know this. Too bad they don't now. You'd think servers would at least know this so that when their customers place their cutlery apart, they would know not to ask repeatedly if they are finished.

It actually pisses me off when servers don't even know this. They might not have been taught at home, but their employers should be training them in basic dining etiquette, especially if they are going start begging for 20-30% tips at the end.

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GreenBeanTM@reddit

Why should their employers be training them on something people don’t do anymore?

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NeverRarelySometimes@reddit

It's obvious, though. Try it at home. When your knife and fork are at 4 o'clock, it's clear that you're not continuing with the meal.

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BassWingerC-137@reddit

Google dining etiquette and 4 o’clock seems to be very popular. Such etiquette has long fallen out of child rearing however.

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Weaselandhottie@reddit

Never heard the 4 o'clock either but I suspect that is just the standard that a RH customer would do. If you are a LH, it would be 8 o'clock then just from natural positioning?

I noticed in Europe that the servers are less helicopter. You’re free to sit and don’t get rushed out (of course I’m cognizant of how busy it is and I don’t overstay). This makes for more quality time with friends and dates, rather than making a meal like I’m checking something off of a calendar.

When my wife and I are done. I generally rack and stack the plates

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Life-Tackle-4777@reddit

Well I worked a high end restaurant/club. The people there knew to put their cutlery together to signify they were done. Most of us over here are uncouth troglodytes. Most servers I’ve have ask if they can take the plate or if we are done. Some may ask if we want dessert as a way of leading into if we are done. When in doubt ask. Most Americans are too thick for manners.

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cdb03b@reddit

In the US good service includes the waitstaff asking if you need refills; want extra things such as additional appetizers, condiments, or desserts; or asking if you are finished with a dish and want the plate removed or want your check brought to you.

If you finish without the waitstaff checking on you, you signal them by putting your plates to the serving edge of the table, or by getting their attention and asking for the check.

Also this is the first time I have seen Europeans say Americans eat slow. Normally we are told we eat fast and that you take 3 hours for a meal.

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poisonedkiwi@reddit

Ah, I've heard both stereotypes from many people who think Americans are a monolith. You'll get someone complaining about how Americans scarf down food so fast that they're in and out in less than 30 minutes; then in the same exact thread, you'll get another person saying that Americans take way too long to eat and that we aren't courteous enough to leave quickly so the next group can be seated. Both takes care typically equally upvoted, which makes it more confusing lol

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Prowindowlicker@reddit

I wonder if the “Americans eat fast” comes from Euros experience with military and veterans. As a veteran myself we’re trained to eat fast and it’s a hard habit to break.

I can scarf down a meal in under 20 minutes if needed. Is it healthy? No but that might be the reason why people think Americans eat fast

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VirtualMatter2@reddit

It mainly depends where you go in Europe. The North eats much faster than the Mediterranean countries.

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Away-Cicada@reddit

Man I learned that skill in high school and never broke out of it. You're telling me that's military, too?

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Abject-Recipe1359@reddit

I learned this skill as an American growing up in a big family.

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AggressiveResolve207@reddit

Can I keep the cutlery rule so waiters in America know I’m done with my plate? that’s genius

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LittleShiningMan@reddit

L kill jk

-

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callalind@reddit

If they have good manners, they would do the same as Europeans with their utensils. Otherwise, just ask, we won't be offended. I think most American's are confused why they have to ask for their waiter/check/etc. than they are annoyed by you checking in on them.

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amyn2511@reddit

We watch for subtle signs. Americans don’t tend to have long drawn out meals over lots of conversation, we talk while we eat but I think we eat fairly quickly in comparison if I’m not mistaken. I always watched things like picking at food, eating at a slower pace than previously in the meal, laying silverware down instead of holding it, pushing their plate a little further away, or often you swing by to ask if they are still doing ok and they ask for a to go box, dessert, or the check. It’s a lot of indirect communication I guess. We are supposed to stop by the table at regular intervals and ask if everything is good and then if they have a need they voice it. I think I’d prefer the less intrusive communication style personally but I’m pretty introverted for over here and when I waited tables I faked the enthusiastic friendliness that people often expect here. I went home both physically and mentally tired after work.

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SL13377@reddit

Push plate away.

I also do the cross fork, knife thing but doesn't usually work here.

Also we have extremely fast service even at fine dining so it's not really much wait usually.

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Vegetable_Bobcat2816@reddit

I place my utensils with the fork’s tongs facing down in the center of my plate. Most wait staff recognize this signal.

I remember showing my kids this when they were young. Within 10 seconds of placing them on the plate, a waiter picked up my plate. My 6-7 year old son was amazed and tried it, with immediate success. He’s 14 and still does it.

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bootsnfish@reddit

Yes, I'm always really happy when I see waitstaff that still know this. Server from the right, clear from the left and no backhands.

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CanoePickLocks@reddit

I don’t remember enough about how servers have taken plates from fine dining but I thought the left and right were the other way around.

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bootsnfish@reddit

It's definitely serve-right and clear-left. The most important thing was no back hands. One of the places I worked at was fairly small and still requirements for server/busser/sommelier to essentially be able approach each person at every table without too much inconvenience. There was a lot of acceptable inconvenience

eyoitme@reddit

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idiot-prodigy@reddit

In Europe, most people put their knife and fork together on the plate to signify that they’re finished

This is what is taught in USA.

“May I clear any plates here?”

And Americans don’t really learn etiquette stuff like that. Some do, most don’t.

My grandmother taught me to do the knife and fork thing. But, having worked as a waitress, I found it is not at all common.

I don't know of anything other than asking.

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Proper-Mobile-6438@reddit

Napkin on the plate.

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Chuckles52@reddit

I use the same concept (tools on the plate, and that is universal) but in America it is more about moving tables. Are you still "working" on that? is the question. For American customets the most polite way would be to swing by and say "just let me know when you want me to clear things away." Two stories. My first time in a French restaurant I was getting upset that no one had brought my bill. I later understood that, outside of America, I decide when I'm done. Once in Australia I walked into an empty restaurant and was told they had no tables for me. They had taken reservations and those tables were for their guests, whenever they showed up. In another part of Australia (Tasmania) the owner ran after me outside the restaurant because I had left money on the table.

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awfulcrowded117@reddit

American waitstaff usually use their words and when things are clearly winding down at the table they approach and ask 'how was anything, does anyone want desert, are you ready for the check or still working on it?' or some similar short series of questions.

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AlmightySpoonman@reddit

Sure thing!

-Some people will do as Europeans do, utensils on the plate, push plate away from ourselves. Other times we put stuff like used napkins on the plate to show we are done.
-If you're really lucky and the group wants to make it easy on the server, we may even stack the empty plates near the edge of the table. This is pretty rare though. More common for small plates like the ones you use to share appetizers to make room for entrees.
-If there is no food left on the plate, chances are pretty good we are done eating.
-If some food is on the plate and the guest is not holding utensils or eating with their hands (very common in the States) there is a chance that they are waiting to request a takeout box to take the leftovers. Most people don't like throwing away their food if there is a significant portion left. Its cool to just ask, "Still working on that? Can I take that out of your way?" etc.
-Americans, especially ones on vacation with friends or loved ones they haven't seen in a while, like to use restaurants as places to sit down and talk. So we may spend a lot of time at a restaurant beyond just eating the food. Good opportunity to ask for refills on drinks to run up the bill.

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dragon4panda@reddit

Just to add, if you want a refill of your drink, you set the glass at the edge of the table so the server can see it's empty.

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Sorry-Imagination81@reddit

I put my napkin on my plate with my cutlery when I'm done. But sounds like there's a lot of people that don't do this.

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ValleyChems@reddit

I as a people finished eating, lay back in my seat and let out a huge sigh of relief

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Theodora1976@reddit

We are completely used to waiters asking if we need anything else (like dessert or a to-box) during the meal. As others have mentioned, pushing the plate away, leaning back and talking, can be signs.

My husband loves to stack the plates for the waiters. If they’re doing that it’s definitely fine 😂.

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Electrical-Profit367@reddit

We actually follow this rule here also.

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zixy37@reddit

I usually put my napkin from my lap to the table. Although I probably also put my cutlery on the plate.

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SquatchK1ng@reddit

Using your words helps.

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OriginalPurple2261@reddit

I was taught to cross the knife and fork across the plate like an X. Tines of the fork facing up.

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Jalapeno-hands@reddit

I can't speak for everyone because I'm a little neurotic about things..

Theres a difference between the US and UK though, in so much as in the UK, people generally expect the whole table to be finished before getting their stuff taken away.
I personally think this is bollocks though as I am a quick eater and I don’t like having my empty plate sat in front of me.
My wife who is a slow eater though, feels like she’s been pressured if everyone’s plate is already taken.

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min_mus@reddit

people generally expect the whole table to be finished before getting their stuff taken away.

I'm American and this was how I was taught. A server shouldn't remove any plates until everyone at the table has finished the course. It's rude to take plates if anyone is still eating.

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The era of etiquette in America has long passed. I still do place the silverware mid plate, edge to edge, even though I’m placed in the back by the kitchen/bathroom.

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Devee@reddit

There are a lot of little signs, mostly around the people no longer actively eating. But waiters also check on Americans so much more than in Europe.

I know there are cultural differences, and I’m not angry about it. But when I was in London, I sure wished I could get another drink easily. I’m okay with paying, but if my drink is low, I want another one!

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jsmooth801@reddit

I don’t remember where I learned this, and may have made it up, but fork and knives together at 4 o’clock in the plate is what I do.

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TheBotchedLobotomy@reddit

Napkin on the plate is a good indicator

But here in the US our wait staff is much different than in europe. They dont leave you alone here lol I miss that about Germany.

So when they constantly come by to fill drinks or ask how youre doing they'll ask if you want a box or if youre still working on the plate

My ex (german) actually taught me the crossed silverware thing but I dont think servers here notice

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min_mus@reddit

Napkin on the plate is a good indicator

A paper napkin on a finished plate might be acceptable in lower-end restaurants, but under no circumstance should you put a cloth napkin on a dirty plate. That's borderline barbaric.

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TheBotchedLobotomy@reddit

Why? Its not like theyre going to be reused without being washed first

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sideburniusmaximus@reddit

I have to verbally ask every time

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abirdreads@reddit

Reading all these comments, while true, has me shaking my head and remembering my possibly archaic Southern upbringing. My mother and Nana taught me table settings and manners. This included setting your knife and fork side by side on the plate to signal you were done, and crossing them to indicate a pause.

Someone recently posted on the UK or maybe NZ sub that Americans don’t say “please may I have… “ when they order and that person/and others found this practice rude. Several Americans commented and the gist is basically we save our thanks for the end instead of throwing 100 Please and Thank-yous into one order

S: What can I get you? A: I’ll have the crab cakes starter and the pasta special as a main -it sounded delicious S: is that all? A: yes, thank you… we’ll decide after if there is room for these great looking deserts. S: can I bring you some bread to the table? A: yes please.

The above would be considered polite in America.

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dlerach@reddit

My mother would lose her mind if I ordered something without saying please.

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QueenMackeral@reddit

I'm a slow eater, the waiter usually only clears empty plates. Usually I'm working on a few fries and stuff until the very end.

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pikkdogs@reddit

I would usually push the plate to the side or something like that.

If not, then people would just ask.

In the US, one of 3 things usually happens.

Waiter checks in periodically to 'see if you're enjoying everything or need anything else.' I get it. This is a significant cultural difference because in many countries, waitstaff are trained to leave customers alone and this type of check-in could be considered rude because it's rushing diners along. It's normal in the US and would be normal to Americans.
Customer signals to waiter to ask for the check. Hopefully just eye contact or a 1 or 2-finger gesture just above the table.
Crossed cutlery isn't a universal signal but it could be used by some. Same for sliding the plate back from the table edge a few inches or placing the napkin from their lap onto the table or plate.

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Last_Inevitable8311@reddit

I was taught to put my fork and knife together on the plate.

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azyoungblood@reddit

I’m an American, and I was taught to put my knife and fork together on the far side of my plate when finished. It’s basic etiquette.

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min_mus@reddit

This is what I was taught:

https://curtisvoisin.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/image_thumb.png?w=185&h=128

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CalebCaster2@reddit

They ask. Americans talk to each other.

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Jaegermeiste@reddit

As an American, I happened to read a crusty old copy of Emily Post when I was a freshman in college (in preparation for attending some gala/ball). One thing (pretty much the only thing) that stuck with me was the "all done" fork/knife signal.

I still do it today. However, I'm by far the outlier. Nobody teaches this stuff - at least not outside some hoity toity finishing school for the 0.1% or something. And it's not in the collective consciousness. Pretty sure 99.999% of American waitstaff have no idea what it means, either.

We're total barbarians.

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Equivalent-Speed-631@reddit

I’m American and I was taught to put my knife and fork together on the plate when I’m done. I’m guessing most parents have stopped teaching their children this etiquette and therefore it’s slowly died a little more either each generation.

Most US waiters/servers will just ask. Some probably assume if we’ve pushed the plate away and are napkin is on top.

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min_mus@reddit

I’m American and I was taught to put my knife and fork together on the plate when I’m done.

Same for me. I suspect many servers weren't properly trained to await this signal. They somehow think the more they interrupt your meal, the higher their tip.

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ancientastronaut2@reddit

Yeah, some of us know that signal, but a lot of people don't.

When I was a server, I just watched for their plate to be empty, or mostly empty, and that they hadn't touched it for a while. Then you simply walk up and ask "may I take your plate?".

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jquist1@reddit

American here. Raised in the South by Yankee parents. I was taught to place my fork upside down and adjacent to the knife to signify that I am done eating. I was also taught that pushing the plate away is rude.

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carmineragu@reddit

I put my knife and fork together but servers do keep an eye on people and when it looks like they’ve stole eating they will ask.

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ChargerRebel23@reddit

Constant interruptions by the wait staff are pretty common in the States. A lot of US tourists are put off the first time they travel abroad by the relative lack of interaction by wait staff.

I know that doesn’t answer your question, in general they just come by and ask if you’re still eating or done.

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PestoWesto@reddit (OP)

I think that’s where they confuse me a lot because as a British person I don’t want things ti interrupt my flow of conversation too much with whoever I’m with

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min_mus@reddit

as a British person I don’t want things ti interrupt my flow of conversation too much with whoever I’m with

I'm American and I feel the same way. Servers in the USA are often irritate the fuck out of me with their constant interruptions, and removing plates before everyone at the table has finished the course.

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LifeApprehensive2818@reddit

As a point of clarification, it's about seven interruptions across the meal. More if you've ordered several courses, which isn't common amongst people I know, or if the server needs to repeat a visit, which I think I've seen once in the last two years.

Place drink orders
Deliver drink orders, take food orders
Deliver food orders
"Is everything okay?", refill water or other pitcher drinks, place more involved drink refill orders
Deliver drink refills (if requested)
Take plates, optionally deliver check
pick up check

As someone who grew up in this system, it feels minimal. I'm not sure which visit you could eliminate and have the process still work.

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CinemaSideBySides@reddit

Yep, and everyone knows these check-ins are coming.

I find it WAY more distracting and interrupting if I need something and the waiter is nowhere to be found. Having to stop my conversation and go "which one was our waiter? Is that her?" and trying to flag her down is much more disruptive.

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GoodQueenFluffenChop@reddit

Being asked if I want a refill doesn't really interrupt the conversation since it's such a quick interaction with a quick answer. Same with other interactions like being asked if we're done eating.

We're just used to it and it doesn't really bother us.

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sneezhousing@reddit

They don't do refills over there. You get your one coke or whatever and that's it.

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tesyaa@reddit

Water though? And if it’s a paid drink, yes we get charged for the refill and most people know that

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KenBoCole@reddit

Americans are used to constantly interruptions, and then glossing over said interruptions.

sweetEVILone@reddit

I was a server for over a decade. I never had any problem knowing when people were done.

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WokeUpIAmStillAlive@reddit

Most people eat everything or ask for a to go box for leftovers. If we finish everything I personally use napkins to wipe up any mess and place silverware and napkins on my plate.

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Trick question! Americans are never finished eating!

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SamCanyon@reddit

Cutlery goes on the plate and the guest is no longer hovering over their place setting. No food left on the plate is a big signal as well.

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armpithairexperience@reddit

Sat back with a bloated gut

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Leverkaas2516@reddit

When my family goes to a restaurant, you can ignore the cutlery and just look at the plates. If there's no food on the plates, we're done eating it. If there's still food, we're not finished.

All the server ever really has to do during the meal is look towards our table every few minutes. If we're thinking of leaving without finishing, or if we need anything, I'll catch your eye and cock my head a bit. It's unmistakable. You can do it from 30 feet away.

The only communication challenge I ever have with waitstaff is when we need something and they're nowhere to be seen. Is he staring at his phone back in the kitchen? Did he quit and go home? If I have to resort to waving down a different waiter and asking for something ("could you please tell Alex we're ready for the check?") that's bad form.

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queen_surly@reddit

This American was taught to put her utensils together in the "4:20" position--if the plate is the clock face, that's where the hands would be at 4:20--to signal that I am finished and they can take the plate.

NekoTheSpookieCat@reddit

I only wish we had something that sensible! But to the best of my knowledge there’s no specific way that Americans indicate to their server that they’re done eating. I have worked waitress jobs before, and like the other Redditors mentioned, it’s on the wait staff to ask if we can remove plates.

I’m half Japanese, and I’m reminded that it’s the practice to place your chopsticks across your empty bowl (pointing to the left) when you’re done. It’s actually quite interesting that we in the States haven’t evolved a similar, singular approach.

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goblin_hipster@reddit

My family and I always stack up the empty plates and cutlery for the server to indicate we're finished.

We also start looking around expectantly for our server, maybe waving a hand and saying, "Excuse me! We're ready for the check*."

Additionally, in America, the server periodically returns throughout the meal to clear empty plates, ask if we want refills, etc. This is also the time to tell them that we're done.

*Not a literal check.

Even the Americans responding can't agree on which specific way to place the cutlery. I have seen comments with just about every configuration. All that does is enhance my belief the at these ideas of etiquette or table manners are useless.

In the US it's expected for servers to interact with their tables. It's not hard to ask if someone is done. No outdated codes needed.

Also if you think someone is rude for not following this custom or using a particular turn of phrase that is 100% a you problem. And you probably shouldn't be in the service industry.

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General_Ad_6617@reddit

We put our forks on our plates. The knife too if we use it. That is how I was taught. In America, even if you do this, it's polite for the server to confirm that you are done.

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OdderShift@reddit

asking is expected in america. there might be clues that we're done, but really there's never a time an american server will take someone's plate without asking first

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Carolina_Hurricane@reddit

They grab the plate and wait to see if the customer objects. I regularly sit at a table where this happens. “Oh I’m sorry I didn’t think to ask if you were still eating”

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sock_le_coq@reddit

It's interesting, as an American when I was 13 and in home economics and we did a course on etiquette crossing the silverware over the plate in an X was meant to signify that you weren't finished whereas placing them open on the plate was meant to signify that you were finished however no one follows it or acknowledges it so I may be misremembering the course even.

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Outlaw_Josie_Snails@reddit

In Europe, most people put their knife and fork together on the plate to signify that they’re finished, and leave them apart if they’re just putting them for a sec/taking a break.

In the US, this is exactly what I was taught and what I do as a patron. When I worked as a server, that was the visual cue I looked for.

I think this has been the norm in the US, but it isn't being taught to the next generation.

In the US, the relationship between the server and customer is often very outgoing; it is almost like a sixth sense.

Often, in casual restaurants, the customer physically pushes the plate an inch or two toward the center of the table. To an American server, a plate that has been distanced from the diner’s personal space is a green light to clear it.

Another very common, though technically improper, cue is the napkin on the plate. If an American diner places their used paper or cloth napkin directly onto the plate or over the leftovers, it is a definitive sign that they are finished and do not want anyone touching that food again.

As a server, if I was unsure, I would say something like, "May I clear your plate, or are you still working on it?" Other options include, "Can I get that out of your way?" or "Are you still enjoying that, or can I clear some space for you?"

Julesagain@reddit

I learned the knife and fork thing as a child as part of overall table manners lessons. US south (60s)

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Charakada@reddit

Americans are not taught the placement of silverware together on the plate that signals "I'm done"...or a lot of other polite behavior that is used in other countries.

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heed101@reddit

they use their mouth to ask the question they want to know the answer to.

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Conscious_Okra4367@reddit

I only learned about the cutlery code like a year ago. It’s just not a thing here. Trying to put it more into practice. I used it on a cruise ship recently and I’m headed to Europe soon, so I’ll be using it extensively.

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General-Tourist-2808@reddit

In the US, waiters are constantly checking on us, so we’re kind of used to getting interrupted. Some people might even expect it, and think it’s a sign of bad service if they have to wait too long for a server to check in. There’s the whole tipping culture that incentivizes servers to get their guests to like them.

I’ve also noticed in America that plates are cleared as each person finishes, not all at once after the last person has finished. Do you wait until the whole party finishes eating and clear it all at once?

As an American, I was taught that when I was done with my meal I should put the knife and fork together on the plate.

But not everyone has the same upbringing because not everyone has the same cultural heritage.

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HeyaShinyObject@reddit

American here -- I was taught somewhere along the line to put the knife and fork across the top of the plate when finished.

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Sweat_Tea888@reddit

They come check on you 10 000 times to see if you need anything until you ask for the check.

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Hylian_ina_halfshell@reddit

I usually put a paper napkin on top of my plate, which even in Europe people know means I am done. Or moving the plate off to the side of the table to the aisle if I need a box for take home

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Ear_Enthusiast@reddit

Because American servers are constantly checking, even if they aren't saying anything to the customer. I'm a career server/bartender in America. I was in London and Edinburgh a year ago. Ate at some nicer restaurants. The service was dog shit at legit every single restaurant we went to, except the Indian restaurant, where I could tell the server knew the Americans would tip him if he showed some interest. And I did. Dude got a 40% tip. The British and Scottish servers would get our drink orders and deliver the drinks, and get our food orders and deliver the food. Then we wouldn't see them until we were done eating. Can't tell you how many times we were at a restaurant and I ate my entire dinner with an empty wine glass sitting in front of me, wishing my server would come back and offer me another glass of wine. In America if my customer's wine glass is getting low, I try to get the order and get a full glass out to them before they finish the previous one.

In the US you can make a career out of serving. You can make a very livable wage off of tips. In the UK it's a low paying hourly wage endeavor. Dealing with our servers in the UK was a lot like dealing with a cashier at a grocery store, or the attendant at a gas station. You're getting the bare minimum, because they don't get paid enough to do much more.

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ms_directed@reddit

i usually put my utensils on my plate and my napkin on the table next to it

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BigDamBeavers@reddit

If they're good at their job they keep an eye on their customers and watch to see when they're slowing down and talking more. If they suck they show up at your table before you've taken a bite of your meal and ask how everything is, then they return ever minute to ask of they can clear it away, typically while you're busy chewing.

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cottoncandymandy@reddit

Context clues mostly. Also, many customers will ask for the check when done. 🤷‍♀️

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I move the plate to the edge of the table and most waiters just grab it when they go by.

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Kanya_Mkavry@reddit

This is just a guess, and honestly I don't eat out often, but it sounds like in America there is more conversation between the diners and the servers in general. At a most fair to middle class restaurants, I expect several instances of banter during the meal. I think I would feel ignored if I didn't have someone asking how I was doing every now and then.

But I always try to arrange my plate to make it obvious that I'm done. Or if I need something, like more water, I place the empty glass where it can more easily be seen by the wait staff.

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Donald_J_Duck65@reddit

I place the knife and fork in an X on the plate. I know some people place there napkin on the plate, one friend calls it the death shroud.

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Sea-Way-2914@reddit

I stop putting food in my mouth and it kinda becomes self evident that I’m no longer eating.

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Buga99poo27GotNo464@reddit

I think wer'e hard to judge in part cause when we sit down as a group to eat together we eat at different rates. I feel like in Europe people tend to pace themselves more closely the same- as just part of the ritual of eating. I feel it's rude to take one's plate when others are still eating, but swear many fast eating Americans prefer it this way.

I put my silverware on plate if finished, but another sign is pushing plate away and/or putting napkin on table. Just keep coming by if unsure and offer more drinks or if anyone is ready to see desserts yet.

I sort of understand where OP is coming from. I was always taught to place utensils together on the plate and tilt to the side to signal that I was finished, and separated on the plate of not finished too, so I just unconsciously do this.

I taught my children this too but they don’t always do it (they are grown children in their 20s). My grandmother always insisted it was rude to put the napkin on the plate itself, she had us fold it and play it back on the table next to the plate.

Maybe it matters and maybe it doesn’t, but my family also has British ancestry, so take that for what you will.

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gravely_serious@reddit

I'll let the waiter know when I'm done or ready for something else. Dinner is about the time together with the people at the table, and there happens to be food. The conversation may be long or it may be short. There may be coffee or drinks after.

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Fats_Tetromino@reddit

The rule I learned was place the utensils parallel to each other to signal you're done, crossed to signal you're not done. I don't know if this is universal across America or not.

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jeremiah1142@reddit

I never knew of cutlery placement until I watched an etiquette video from a Brit that showed up on my feed a few months ago. I’m 40.

We simply ask 'Everything going ok' or 'Is there anything else I can get you'. Easy, peasy. Yall have a thousand of years of etiquette rules. We have 250 and it's an amalgamation of cultures.

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I'll echo the server interruptions are normal and expected... but I also put my silverware on my plate typically as well as my napkin when I'm done. Most people I know also do this unless they are so distracted by conversation they don't think about it.

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Responsible-Sale-467@reddit

Theory: Many US meals are eaten with just a fork, and US habit of swapping fork to dominant hand after cutting makes the “place knife and fork down akimbo to indicate you’re still going, place them aligned to indicate you’re done” isn’t as practical in US eating cultures as it is elsewhere.

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Scrappy_The_Crow@reddit

They just kind of dump the cutlery wherever and don’t have a signs like that.

Unfortunately, utensil etiquette like that is rarely taught in families (and it certainly isn't in public schools).

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Hybrid487@reddit

I put everything I can together and slide it toward the edge of the table. smaller plates, bowls, silverware stacked on the bigger entree plate

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Inspi@reddit

Americans are supposed to put the utensils like you said, but customs and manners like that are rapidly dieing here. I grew up putting the knife and fork together like that, even do it when I'm eating alone My wife is the same way.

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Zaldaru@reddit

In the USA, but I use the cutlery method that you describe. However, my father immigrated from Europe and my mother was 2nd generation, so that’s what they taught me.

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ComesInAnOldBox@reddit

Servers in the US are expected to check in with the table regularly, see if there's anything they need, ask if they want refills or desserts, etc. We don't have any commonly accepted dining out protocol or etiquette (hell, we can't even agree what to call certain foods or drinks), so it falls on the servers to simply ask. It causes issues when we dine out outside of the country where there are accepted etiquette and protocols, and it can cause issues in the US if the restaurants are run and staffed by people not from the US (my favorite Korean restaurant is still getting an handle on things, but they're getting better).

Don't worry, you aren't bothering Americans by interrupting.

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Reaganson@reddit

I do exactly what you said, I put my cutlery on the plate, and move the plate away a little.

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Empty plate. Napkin on the plate. Plate moved to the center of the table away from the customer. Leaning back in the seat, a lot more relaxed. They'll tell you. You just ask.

Napkin on table and utensils fully on plate
Looking around for/at server
We ask for the check/box

Just ask

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Effective_Coach7334@reddit

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B00k_Worm1979@reddit

I’m an American and my family usually puts our silverware on plate. We also stack our dishes to clean up the table.

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beads-and-things@reddit

We can tell. People sit back in their seat and nudge the plates further into the table. Sometimes they move their drink between themselves and their plate. We also notice if the food on the plate hasn't moved in a while. Then we ask if the customer would like a box or for the plate to be cleared.

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UbeKatsu_711@reddit

Americans are used to being verbally, directly asked multiple times over a meal

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Genius-Imbecile@reddit

I was taught the way your describing as a kid. Firk and knife together at about the 2 o'clock position. I don't think most of my Gen X siblings and younger generations have been taught that.