Parents of Adult Kids
Posted by Canuck_Noob75@reddit | GenX | View on Reddit | 115 comments
It’s not that I want to forget all of the wonderful memories of my children, the great times we’ve had, their unconditional love and gentleness, I just want the pain to go away. Let’s be honest, parenting is perpetual heartbreak. Having something you love more than yourself for a brief period then poof, gone. This is why I would advise against children. Not the money spent, sleepless nights, lack of freedom, but to avoid a hole in your heart that will change you forever. How does one cope?
Jane-The_Obscure@reddit
By developing a life of your own as they start to get older. People who struggle the most, IMVHO, have made their whole lives around their kids, even after the kids get into high school and start becoming more independent. That's a perfect time to figure out what you want/who you are/what you want to do after they leave the house.
Pinepark@reddit
My youngest is autistic. Turns 22 today. He lives semi-independently in a house I bought for him about 3 miles away. I have to go to his home and help him 3-4 times a week (cleaning, laundry, cooking). I call him each morning for a check in to go over his schedule and make sure he takes his medication. I have to make all appointments for him and pay all his bills. He’s slowly getting the hang of adulting. Very slowly. It’s been a two year process of him living outside of my home. Each day I see him doing a little better. The end goal is for him to be happy and adjusted to life on his own (with support from me on the sidelines)
This is our reality. I cope by looking forward each day. My greatest accomplishment will be him NOT NEEDING ME.
I guess everyone has different perspectives.
brergnat@reddit
I wish we could afford to do this, but we can't, so our 22 and 20 year old autistic sons will live at home indefinitely. We don't even own our own home, but our goal is to buy them something they can live in together before we die.
For now, I consider us lucky to still have them at home with us, because I can't imagine not seeing them every day.
Fish-Weekly@reddit
Our oldest son is on the autism spectrum; he is high functioning in many regards but also very disorganized in many ways so he is still living at home with us. Our younger son is out on his own.
It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job overall! Coming from someone is walking this same path, I understand the work involved and how it affects your life. 💜
Historical_Project86@reddit
I think everyone has a different story. We have a hole in our heart who spends most of the day in bed and on mental health medication, with substance abuse problems and scars all over her body. Luckily for me, the brain is a powerful pain-suppressant some of the time. Onwards and upwards.
Ok_Initial_2063@reddit
Having adult kids is the BEST! Ours are funny, caring, empathetic, and awesome people. Grandkids are an absolute joy. Having kids is an amazing experience where your role evolves and expands well beyond raising them. Ours still message asking for advice and to check in, even if it is a meme because they are busy. It is a true joy to be included in your adult children's lives and see what they accomplish on their own in the world.
archedhighbrow@reddit
I felt the hole in my heart. It gets better with time. My kids are at the same college and I visit four times a year for four days.
Fun_Independent_7529@reddit
Rediscover who you are / who you were before kids when you were young.
It's time to have your own life.
Your kids will appreciate you not being overly involved in their adult life & decisions, and will enjoy your company much more if you have your own interests and your own life.
I-used2B-a-Valkyrie@reddit
My 27yo bought his first house, 9 hours away, 5 years ago. I am so proud of him, and I miss him a lot. We talk and FaceTime daily and we visit each other as often as we can. He’s really good about driving down in cooler weather and I’m really good about going up in warmer weather. It’s not an unbelievable heartbreak, I’m so proud to see him, living his own life and being fulfilled. It’s what we do. We raise them to be good human beings and have a good life.
My five year-old plans on sticking around for a while and she has told me that when she goes off to college I have to buy a house wherever she’s going to college so we can still live together and be roommates. And she’s also said that once she finishes college, she wants to make sure that when she gets married and has children that she is still living with me so that I can continue to cook all the meals and she says that she needs help taking her kids to school and since I’m a good driver, she would also like to enlist me for free childcare and transportation. LMAO. I’m gonna remind her of this when she’s 12 cause I feel like she might change her mind. But I absolutely welcome it if she never wants to leave the nest. I hope I raise her well enough that she can confidently leave the nest and live a really good happy life.
Fun_Independent_7529@reddit
This was my daughter when she was little! She's now in her early 20s and still told me that when I'm widowed and older I should come live with her family. :D
Coup-de-Glass@reddit
Love this. Your 5 year old sounds adorable.
I-used2B-a-Valkyrie@reddit
She is SO stinking cute! ❤️ Ask me again when she’s a teen and hates me lol. But right now she is my absolute bestie!
Coup-de-Glass@reddit
😂😂 When interacting with my teen dot, I sometimes feel like that shy girl who wants to be liked by the cool kid at school, but it depends on her mood that day lol.
smallwonder25@reddit
OMG yes! It’s like, “is it okay for me to talk to you today? are we okay to be seen together?”
Hahaha. Cracks me up honestly
Coup-de-Glass@reddit
Sometimes I just tiptoe past her door afraid to draw her ire 😆
Happy-person2122@reddit
Find hobbies and things you enjoy doing! Plan get together as with them if you can. If not, FaceTime. Biggest thing is start making your life what you want your life to be like!
BellaFromSwitzerland@reddit
In my native language we say parenting is the slowest form of breakup
Coup-de-Glass@reddit
😭 got me.
BellaFromSwitzerland@reddit
Me and you both. I have an 18yo who is the person who knows me best. He’s currently plotting empty nesting me by moving away for college, as is his right.
I signed up for volunteering at a famous festival in my area, to get my 2 weeks of partying in
While I’m sure I will miss him, I do think I have a much more interesting and varied life than what my parents had when I emptied the nest
carneviva@reddit
Wow. This really hit me.
TalFidelis@reddit
I’ve seen so many of my peers make their life about their kids and when the kids moved out they were heartbroken and directionless.
They all asked us how sad we’d be when the kids moved out and we were genuinely confused by the question. Wasn’t the whole point to take a helpless little thing and nurture it into a confident self sufficient adult human? Them graduating from college/Marines/etc and becoming fully independent are the most important milestones of my life. Nothing else compares - not even close.
My kids are scattered around the country now and we text or talk once a week or so and my wife and I are living OUR lives instead of being shepherds.
goteed@reddit
My wife and I, both GenX, have been married for 40 years. We got married right after she graduated high school and started having children a year later. We had a son and a daughter by the time I was 22 years old. Unfortunately we lost our daughter in 2022, she was 32 years old.
Losing a child is the single most painful thing we have ever gone through, actually still going through and always will be. We will never get over it, we'll just find a way to manage it. The moment I was told that she was gone was the moment I discovered that words can cause physical pain. It felt as if someone had hit me in the stomach with a bat. I will never forget going to the funeral home to pick up my daughter ashes. Feeling the weight of that urn in my hands and knowing that was all that was left of my daughter was a pain that is indescribable. Did you know that you can cry so much that your eyes will ache from it? I didn't until we lost Danielle.
The reason I am typing this is that even with that amount of pain, I still wouldn't trade the years we had with her to remove that pain. She was an amazing person that touched many people in positive ways. I believe the world is better for her being in it, if even for a short 32 years. I'll take the pain for those 32 years we had together.
worstpartyever@reddit
I am so sorry for your loss. We lost my brother when I was in high school. It broke my parents. They stayed together but I understand why many couples don’t after losing a child.
Sending you and your family peaceful thoughts.
goteed@reddit
My condolences your way as well.
For my wife and I we made a pact the first night after Danielle passed away. We were both laying in bed, both unable to sleep, and both having horrible images going through our minds. We didn't want to mention them to the other for fear of putting those images into each other minds. Finally about 3am we started to talk about it and immediately discovered that we had the same images in our heads. At that moment we promised to talk to each other about everything. Nothing was off limits as we probably were having the same thoughts anyways. I think that pact saved our marriage. I couldn't even imagine going through all of this without her.
smallwonder25@reddit
Really incredible advice. I can’t imagine how hard it is to put into practice. I’m glad you guys have each other.
Canuck_Noob75@reddit (OP)
Thank you for sharing I’m sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine. 😞
PleasantStatement327@reddit
I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot even imagine. Thank you for sharing.
goteed@reddit
Thank you for the kind words. I just wanted to show the other side of the coin in this discussion.
Head_Trick_9932@reddit
Yikes. I have one graduating in a month and joining the military. Am I scared? Of course. Would I call it breaking my heart? Umm no. I didn’t have kids to fulfill my own heart.
We raise them so they can be independent. That includes independent from us.
This is a weird, almost narcissistic way of thinking.
smallwonder25@reddit
Right? OP’s post is destined to become the first in a series by an estranged parent wondering why the kids won’t talk to them anymore.
Head_Trick_9932@reddit
They’re mad they had kids and had to spend money raising them. As if they had kids for their own fulfillment.
I dare those kids that didn’t choose to be born lol.
Bucks2174@reddit
You advise against having kids because they grow up and leave?? And parenting certainly is not “perpetual heartbreak”. Those are pretty selfish points of view honestly. Did your kid just walk out the door before you posted this?Having my kids was the greatest thing I have ever done. They have been out for several years now and my wife and I are both very happy with that. They are both married with kids of their own and doing great. That means we did our job well and we love our time alone again. To anyone deciding whether or not to have kids, ignore everything this person says. Having children is the greatest thing in life.
smallwonder25@reddit
Truly this!!!! OP is on their way to becoming an estranged parent
LayerNo3634@reddit
Where are your kids?
My kids are grown, but we still see them regularly and do things with them. We go on vacation several times a year with oldest (she pays!), middle has given us 2 grandchildren we adore. The youngest lives cross country, but calls. We're going to see her in 6 weeks. We have fun with our adult kids, no heart break.
SuburbaniteMermaid@reddit
Parenting should not be perpetual heartbreak. It's certainly challenging but your description is extreme.
Neakhanie@reddit
No kidding, I thought her kids were all dead.
The whole point is to get rid of them IMHO. I am so thankful mine are gone and on their own because a lot of parents of children with disabilities do not get this opportunity. I truly feel blessed mine have grown up and grown away into their own happy, healthy, and successful lives.
chicagoliz@reddit
Yeah, I don't totally understand this post. Clearly there are some deep things going on here.
Parenting young adults can be the best time ever -- they can do all kinds of things with you (you can go on vacations without needing a kids' club or chicken nuggets), you can go off on your own if you want, they can help plan, etc.
ImCaffeinated_Chris@reddit
Yeah. We text all the time and play games online.
One is only 45 min away and we see maybe 2-3 times a month. The other is 1200 miles away, and we are lucky to see twice a year.
I still miss them every day.
VincentVan_Dough@reddit
We have 3 all grown up and out of the house. A few more years left with the youngest teen. Cannot wait for freeeeeeeeeeeedom!! My husband will retire, we’ll move from this huge family home in sad cold weather and we’ll split our time in pied a terres in tropical Asia and the south of France when we’re not travelling elsewhere in the world.
Glad-Arugula-8387@reddit
I think over time you build your own life without them if you don’t have that already. Try to find things you enjoy. Older kids will come back around. The older I get the more I appreciate what my parents did for me. Hopefully our kids will feel the same. It will be ok
Glad-Arugula-8387@reddit
If we don’t become over bearing we can have a wonderful relationship with our adult children.
Rough_Condition75@reddit
You cope by building a life of your own.
OkConsideration8964@reddit
My adult daughter has special needs so she will always live with us. She is very high functioning, not very profoundly handicapped, but she wouldn't be able to live on her own. My sadness comes from the opposite thing ... I wish she could go live a life of her choosing, wherever she wanted to be. But I do love having her here with me as well.
ITSMYSFWACCOUNT@reddit
My spouse and I are in a similar situation.
The thing that absolutely terrifies me is what happens after we're gone.
Coup-de-Glass@reddit
Whoooo these are hitting hard. My daughter is about to graduate and head off to college. I’m excited for her of course, but I’m also terrified for her safety and future, and unspeakably sad that I won’t get to see her every day. My son has two more years of high school, then it will happen again. I don’t remember my parents being sad, but maybe they hid it well. Or they just weren’t sad like I am.
Old_Use7058@reddit
Wise man once told me “kids are the fucking ya get for the fucking ya gave” rip MF
shortstop_princess@reddit
I feel this, too. When my daughter moved out, I cried for two weeks. I'm used to it now, but I always miss her being in the house.
lacatro1@reddit
My daughter moved out 2 weeks ago. I have cried every day.
Feisty-Lifeguard-550@reddit
It gets better honestly , it just takes a while
shortstop_princess@reddit
Sending hugs to you, friend. ♥️
lacatro1@reddit
Thank you. To you as well.
Savings_Artichoke913@reddit
Completely agree, but can you imagine not ever having had that love in your life? Truly part of the human experience. ❤️
Sufficient_Stop8381@reddit
Somewhere along the line, we went about this the wrong way. Our parents were damn happy to see us go. Now, parents go into long term grieving when their kids finally grow up and do what adults do.
WinterMedical@reddit
I’m happy mine went and still grieve their absence. Those two feelings can coexist.
Capital-Mark1897@reddit
My folks were like this. "My job is to make sure you become a competent adult." My mom loved when we visited and was sad for a day or two when we left. Only once did she ever wonder why we moved so far away and it was because thats where life took us and she never indicated that she would like to have had us closer.
Sufficient_Stop8381@reddit
Mine were more money motivated, were glad they didn’t have to feed me anymore and other living expenses, ergo they had more money for themselves. Even though I was more or less self sufficient at 14, working and bought many things on my own. Our yard was huge and I had to cut several acres of grass with a push mower. I couldn’t do it all in one day. While working and going to school. As soon as I moved out, a brand new riding mower showed up in my parents garage.
But they weren’t as bad as some of my peers’ parents who literally kicked them out as soon as they graduated high school. Oh well, it made us independent.
TC_Stock@reddit
It gets easier. It just sorta hit me all at once like a fright train after they left. One left after getting a good paying job right out of high school and the other went off to college. We sold our house after the last one left. I took the day off to clean the house where we made over 15 years of memories. I keep finding pictures the kids drew, books I once read to them, and other things have a memory attached. Later, my wife comes by to help and I have my hands in my face crying. Over 20 years of marriage and she'd never seen me shed a tear until then. People think only women get emotional abut these things and thats bullshit. Jesus that was rough. It took a while I but I adjusted. It made me a better, more thoughtful and supportive husband. I have to focus on my marriage now. I feel like its all I have.
East-Garden-4557@reddit
Perpetual heartbreak? WTF?
Practical_Clue_2707@reddit
Right, I love my children so much but I’m happy to be living life for myself again. I get to have hobbies, outside of the work and home interest. I love when my son and his family come to visit and my daughter just moved home to save money but both my kids know independence and autonomy are so important for everyone.
the-mare-bear@reddit
My adult daughter is also an absolute blast to be around so I love when we get to be together. Adult kids rock! I can’t wait to see where she goes in life, I love watching her grow as a person.
DaneDaneBug@reddit
You need to rediscover who you are without your children. It is hard and you will cry. Try to find other empty nesters, try joining a gym, a book club, anything to get you out of the house and stay busy. Then one day (many months from now) you will find that you can enjoy life again. And once you get there, you will not be as sad. You will always miss them. They're your baby. But when they come to visit you almost wish they'd hurry up and leave so you can get back to your life.
Mental-Artist-6157@reddit
I have 3 stepsons. The eldest two are now grown & flown, it's down to the youngest. They've been my whole world, the past decade.
At first, I felt disjointed. Then I realized how badly I'd allowed my mental/physical health to fall off, as well as our marriage. (High needs kids, it happens.) Now our marriage and my health are getting the attention they deserve, we're all flourishing. Because the peri/menopause I was ignoring since 2014 was NOT ignoring me.
Historical_Monk_6118@reddit
It's not a loss, it's a change. If you think hard enough and negatively enough about it, parenting is just constant, repeating grief. First you lose a baby, then a toddler, etc etc. But if you think like that you'd spend your life wracked with grief.
What you've actually lost (and I mean no disrespect, I've seen this myself) is a certain amount of status, and a lot of things that previously occupied your time and thoughts. You need to start building up the version of yourself that "the kids" don't need every day. Parenting is a huge job that leaves a big hole, but you don't have to fill that with despair.
You should be proud of what you've achieved. Setting grown up, independent people into the world is a huge achievement. If you'd never had kids and filled the time with kayaking and traveling the world or whatever, you'd soon have got bored and all you'd gave to look back on would be a bunch of photos of places you couldn't remember any more.
Your kids are out there having friends, falling in love, working, playing and impacting the world in their own way. There will be a lot of people who are glad to have them in the world. You did a great thing ❤️
East-Garden-4557@reddit
This. Too many parents base their whole identity around being a parent, and completely lose their self identity.
FacePunchMonday@reddit
My wife and i have been together for almost 30 years and we never had kids and we couldn't be happier.
We have plenty of friends and family who have kids, some are adults, a few are babies, and they are all constantly miserable, complaing and always broke. Divorces everywhere. Adult children who cant hold a job or leave the house, little kids who behave like feral honey badgers...
I have zero doubt or regrets on this one ;-)
SouthOrlandoFather@reddit
You can chose to be born and live in a room with bubble wrap all around if you choose. I choose to live and have kids and take chances.
jesuschristjulia@reddit
It’s true there are two choices in life
Having kids and taking chances- which is choosing to live
Living in a bubble wrapped room.
No other options.
S/
SouthOrlandoFather@reddit
😂😂😂😂
I love when people focus on my exaggeration.
JJQuantum@reddit
You are there for them. They are not there for you.
PintoOct24@reddit
Exactly this. I consider it my duty as a parent to give them the tools and support to leave me and create their own life. They know they can always come home but they are not obligated. My kids owe me nothing.
eatmoregrubs@reddit
For the first time my son is spending the summer away from me, in the city where he goes to university, a 6 hour drive from here. We both find it difficult and awkward to talk on the phone / FaceTime - our best conversations unfold naturally while we’re taking long walks. But this summer I will miss that. I’m proud that he’s starting to experience independence but I already miss him. But tbh I’m going through a lot of other difficulties at the moment so I’m feeling extra sentimental.
PahzTakesPhotos@reddit
My kids are great. I love seeing them out there, living life, doing the things they want. They grew up in a household with a disabled father, mostly deaf mother, and a fixed income. There were just things we couldn't do with them, whether it was affordability, limited by their dad's disability, or big ol' deaf me.
They're not "kids" anymore- all three of them are in their 30s- but they're still our kids and I'm glad they're still in our lives and doing so well.
And just when I thought I couldn't love someone like I love my kids, my oldest went and had a kid herself (well, her and her husband, y'know). Our grandgoblin is 5 years old and as my husband says of her: "She's a hoot!"
Ray_The_Engineer@reddit
I don't feel this way at all. Having kids did indeed change me forever; I'm a better person for it. I developed patience, kindness and empathy that just wasn't there before, and I have a delightful relationship with these 2 smart, beautiful girls that I wouldn't trade for anything. I had to "up my game" to become a dad, and it's been fantastic.
Sure, they're "gone", but it's 2026 and we talk to them regularly via Facetime or whatever. I watch them thriving where they're now living and it fills me with pride.
Maybe it's different for mothers? I dunno, I mean it was tough on my wife when they left for college, but I don't think that she walks around with "a hole in her heart" at this point, some years later.
Focus on you, now. You've earned that; figure out what makes you happy and go do that thing, every day. Time heals. All my best..
Foamfollower_65@reddit
That's like saying don't love anyone because someday they'll be gone.
sorenelf@reddit
My kids are grown and gone, but they live close. I still buy them treats and snacks when I shop, lol. They pop in and out, ring when they need help. I struggled with not knowing what they were up to, I had to make a conscious effort not to give opinions unless I was asked, because you want everything to be good for them, even though they have to do it their own way. I ended up adopting a baby cockatiel, to give me someone to look after.
Brown_Car1987@reddit
My kids are early 30s now, and, while the moving out part was hard, I absolutely love the wonderful adults they have become. The relationship is different, but not worse.
livingadailyhell@reddit
It’s been 5 years and I can’t even say her name. Nobody talks to me about her. All the wonderful memories are in a mud puddle. I can’t even look back, it’s too much. I try to find my existence every day. Peace to you
gatorgopher@reddit
I'm so sorry, it sounds like you've suffered a loss rather than them leaving to adult. I hope you find healing. Have you tried therapy and/or a grief support group? Hugs and peace to you.
AZWildcatMom@reddit
I absolutely adore being the parent of young adults. They don’t live at home, pay their own bills, own their decisions and are my best friends.
Lower_Classroom835@reddit
Same. Mine have also multiplied. Both married, third baby grandchild arriving today!!!
They are great cooks and make awesome meals for family gatherings, I have a team of people to ask for opinion who have my best interest in mind... So many good things that enrich my life but at the same time give me the freedom to enjoy my life at home in the way I like it. Win win.
rks1743@reddit
2 boys now in college and they have always played team sports since they were 5. The younger once still plays in college and we love travelling to watch him play.
Older kid is in a house that is 30 minutes away with his friends and has invited us to a couple parties and comed home on occasion.
We love having them home and my wife would be perfectly fine with them living with us forever but it gets easier knowing they are happy.
Lower_Classroom835@reddit
We have our kids to raise humans and when the time comes, we need to let them fly.
When they first leave the house, it feels empty but we should not forget that was the ultimate goal all along. Their independence is the proof we have successfully finished one of the toughest jobs - raising a human.
Now it's time to sit back and enjoy their company. Watch these awesome humans become part of society, fall in love, have a significant other, bring more humans into the world, or whichever path they choose, watch them with wonder as they came from you, but different.
UrsaMajor7th@reddit
The bigger the choice you make, the bigger the potential regrets. This is your price for reproducing.
Healthy_Guidance_473@reddit
Without holes in your heart you haven 't really lived and loved.
knitty_kitty_knitz@reddit
I truly feel your pain. I gave everything to my kids. One moved pretty far away and is struggling with a heartbreaking chronic illness. The other is in high school and can be truly delightful but also absolutely nuts. He makes me insane sometimes. The worst is the feeling I’ve lost one of my sons, as he is ill but barely communicates with me. When he was little we had such a close bond.
Puzzleheaded_Use_566@reddit
“A ship in harbour is safe, but that’s not what ships are built for.”
Same with kids. If we raise them right, and give them the tools they need, they can feel confident to go out into uncharted waters. Test themselves, find new adventures. We just become the lighthouse to guide them home.
Love them, be proud of them, reassure them, but let them find their own path. They’ll be better people for it and so will you.
PhotosByVicky@reddit
My world view as well even though I have never put it quite so succinctly.
Dutch7422@reddit
👍🏼
1_21-gigawatts@reddit
It makes me anguished and angry when I hear about parents who are deliberately holding back their kids because they can't handle them not being around or don't want them to experience any hardship.
"There is no growth without pain, there is no change without struggle" -Epictetus (approximately)
Pristine_Main_1224@reddit
I think you’re doing the parenting wrong at this stage. Why is there a hole in your heart? I love my boys but I wish for them to have full and fulfilling lives outside my immediate orbit. I want them to live and love and experience, and I hope I’m lucky enough that they’ll tell me all about it someday.
Glad-Sector-2870@reddit
You can feel both at the same time
Back_Alley420@reddit
It’s very hard when they leave.
respectandmanners@reddit
They’ll make their own choices and have their own life. We have a saying ‘if you like it, we love it’ . We choose if we can walk with them and support their activities and saying no has led to schisms. They’re their own people in the end
18dsf@reddit
Are they happy? Have they figured out how to adult without many serious mishaps? Congratulations! You helped them do that! It’s all about perspective. I’m having a great time watching my kids become awesome contributors to society. I get to see them succeed (or fail) on their terms. being there to observe, cheer on, console, and sometimes help is immensely satisfying. Try to embrace the sheer joy of knowing that you will always carry that unconditional love for your kids, and embrace the process of passing the torch to them.
nevermeansoul@reddit
I'm a parent of a adult-ish child who is going to be 19 this year. I am hopeful and sad. I had him later in my life as a solid GenX born in 1970 at 37 so my perspective on parenting comes from a place of maturity. After my son graduated from high school this year, he began spending most of his time with his dad who has a lot more money than I do. We are divorced but when he was young it certainly hurt like hell that he would rather be around money than me. But at this point I am going to let him adult.
He is a typical teenager/young adult who grew up in a strange super elite world in SoCal. He had many challenges growing up, including ADHD and being on the spectrum, so now I just have faith that he will come back and appreciate all of the time we had together and the love I gave him.
The loss of him by my side daily has been tremendous and I don't think that's any different than most parents who are married or anyone once their kid leaves for college at 18. When I realized that I didn’t need to plan meals, be prepared for signing forms for school or making sure that they're he was at all of his scheduled activities I began to have the freedom to be there just for me. My refrigerator is full of things that I love and no more chicken nuggets, fruit snacks and tacos. I no longer spend crazy amounts of money at Taco Bell or Chick-fil-A.
I miss him, but I really do believe I did the best that I could for him. And when he is ready to spend more time with me in life, I am fully ready for it. I love him enough to let him have his freedom. But I missed the fuck out of him.
grateful_john@reddit
I’m extremely proud that my son graduated college last year and is living on his own (with his girlfriend) in NYC, starting his PhD program in the fall. That’s the goal - teach them how to live on their own and make their own way.
rdnkgrrl18@reddit
Would I tell people to have children? Never! I think it’s a very personal choice. And it’s the most difficult thing you’ll ever do. Your heart is literally walking around outside your chest. And if you’re really, really lucky they grow up and still wannabe with you. And they turn into really good, hard working, smart, and responsible kids. That’s all you can do. I’ve broken my ‘rents heart more than once and they still show up for me. It’s incredible
Top-Scarcity5937@reddit
You have posed a question from a place of honesty and self-awareness that few people are genuine enough to reach. Don't bother with the people reacting to you negatively because you have not validated their reality. IMO, you're not going to find an answer you're looking for on Reddit or other online spaces. A therapist who is sharp enough to see your feelings are valid could be very helpful. People on the Internet are more concerned about having you support their decisions than anything else, and what you have stated is too honest for most people. Finding one person to talk to - a professional - would probably be for the best. Maybe not the easiest thing to do, but things that are worthwhile rarely are. Good luck.
ohfrackthis@reddit
I am enjoying my two oldest children so much! I miss them but I'm extremely pleased that both ny 25 yr old son and our 18 yr old daughter talk to us regularly even though they don't live with us anymore and it is the joy of my life. Joy.
Not less than our two youngest but it's really good 👌
Chad_Hooper@reddit
My son was taken away from me for his entire childhood, by the simple expedient of his mom disappearing with him.
Time went by, she did a thing through legal channels that got thrown out, but resulted in me being able to get in touch with him.
So, yes, I have some pain associated with my son, but it doesn’t eclipse the joy of having grandchildren who know my name.
So, my answer is that maybe you should have a child or two, but it might be better to conceive in your mid-twenties than late teens.
Just my opinion, worth exactly what you paid for it.
kevbayer@reddit
My adult kids are awesome. I'm so proud of who they've become and what they're doing with their lives. I'm thrilled they all value family time with the parents too!
4UnlawfulCarneVegan@reddit
I miss when my daughter was little, but I love the adult person she's become. She cracks my shit up almost daily.
It sounds like you need to find yourself again, and maybe spend more time with your kids.
SignificantTear7529@reddit
Idk why your in pain? My children have always been my joy.. With a side of anxiety. They are grown and I love my adult children more than I would have ever known.. i'm happy with the place I have in their adult lives. What do you need?
MineAllMineNow@reddit
If you are feeling this way, please seek therapy. You sound despondent.
Pattycakes1966@reddit
I would never advise against children even though they drive me nuts.
kingpin748@reddit
Don't have kids because you can't let them go?
Terrible advice.
Due-Introduction7826@reddit
I don't have an answer but I feel your pain. Four kids and down to one teen at home who spends all night in his room. I don't know how I handled the craziness but now I can't handle the silence.
wolfysworld@reddit
This actually broke my heart during my son’s senior year. I knew we would both be moving from our home to different cities and I just wanted to be with him before I couldn’t. His indifference and silence felt awful. He is the type of person that doesn’t get what is coming until he is in the thick of it, he’s gotten a little better about it in his 20’s. That first year away from him was so hard but we talk and text and I get to see him two or three times a year now. I have grandkids from a different child and they are pretty great!
kevdog71@reddit
It’s a hard adjustment, but it’s fun and satisfying to see them become successful in their own lives. That’s what all the hard work was for anyway, right?
shuanm@reddit
It's completely different when they won't get their life together, and go away. My oldest goes away, and it's quiet, and serene...then she loses her s**t, and I hear here her. I love her, but I don't want to hear her.
Mom_who_drinks@reddit
I’ll always miss my little snuggle bunny but it’s been fun getting to know him as an adult.
Ill-Consideration892@reddit
I hear you. We’ve got two learning to fly and one still in the nest (but already eyeing her older siblings). It’s heartbreaking and exciting at the same time. I’m still leaning how to cope.
smithe68@reddit
Three kids, all 31 and up and love them all. I can't imagine still having kids in the house, it just sounds awful.
Pokemom-No-More-18@reddit
You cope by understanding that your job as their parent was to prepare them to go out into the world on their own. Your children aren't gone, they are making their way in this world as best they can. You can still be a part of that, just not the center anymore. It's an adjustment when you go from being the manager to a consultant in their lives, but children have to be free to live their own lives. Reach out to them if they don't reach out to you, just do not be overbearing or you will drive them away. The most important thing I've learned in being the parent of adult children is that advice requires permission. Don't just tell them what you think they should do, ask them if they would like to hear what you think and be prepared to stay quiet if the answer is no.
Also, I don't know this firsthand just yet, but I've heard that grandchildren make all the hard work you put into your kids totally worth it.
AnniemaeHRI@reddit
Our kids are grown and it broke my heart a bit as each one left for college. The upside is that as they get older and make a life of their own they invite you into it and it’s amazing! Two of our 3 have children so we’re grandparents and LOVE it and watching them find loving partners and build a life has brought us so much joy as well! They were wonderful kids and now they’re fun, smart, sweet, and great adults who want to hang out with us! It’s all worth it!!!