Insight with Geriatric Parents

Posted by Old_Butterfly7984@reddit | GenX | View on Reddit | 13 comments

God I feel this so much with my geriatric parents. They are becoming children. I’m also old and spent the last 30 years of my life in corporate America but have zero experience with kids or geriatrics, I never had kids and never knew my grandparents. I am the asshole. Now I have to learn both in the moment.

My folks moved within a block of me after I moved out of state and I realized after the fact I honestly no longer know them - weekend visits last 1 or 2 hours each time does not maintain a relationship. Diving into the bottle to avoid the pain of realizing you lost touch with the people you love most only compounds the pain. I have melted down with them in drunk mode and honestly want to gut myself.

Today I am an after-school special on how not to handle life which is different because I have a successful career and am wealthy, but, given this situation, am absolute human garbage and am stuck. I also am perimenopause. I can’t die before them because they would die (80’s and frail), but I have zero idea on how to relate to them. I am a failure and have zero scope on how to navigate this dynamic. They want me to move in with them but I honestly just drink when I am done with the job to hopefully pass out to avoid them.

I am the world’s worst daughter. I can’t clean their house because my Mom has cleaning OCD that I never remember all the sanitation steps to, and the way they live is irrational to me but works for them and so I have to respect it. I do go over weekly to give my Mom her shots and to batch cook for them from scratch, but there is an uncomfortableness due to my drunk outburst about them being old. Again, I am the asshole that nothing in life prepared me for these times.

My parents are great, they are now largely happy (very stressed when I was a kid to young adult - violently stressed) and very mellow. I am high strung, largely from not being good enough to their standards in many instances. I am GenX, they are SilentGen.

I am the asshole

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Marzipenn@reddit

If it helps to know you are not alone and wanting some light relief you may enjoy this article. The author also subsequently published a book about the time. The Reluctant Carer by Michael Holden.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/jan/19/dad-more-comebacks-than-elvis-confessions-of-a-reluctant-carer?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

demona2002@reddit

You mentioned alcohol a couple of times. Know that you are not alone. There is a really supportive sub over at r/stopdrinking.

Clearing your head (and heart and liver) can make a world of difference in how you are feeling about things.

Messytessy80@reddit

Girl , press reset and think about how you would like to be treated if you were 80ish and frail. At this point , talk to them about what they like to do , seniors like flowers, plants , animals , groceries, talk about the neighbors…. At least that’s what my mom likes to talk about. Chill out , don’t overthink and be in the moment

Pristine_Software_55@reddit

You’re a good kid, sweetie. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ll sort this out. The lengths you’re going to change your course to be able to care for them is incredible. I hope you sometimes have the chance to pull back to appreciate the love and effort you’re devoting to them.

My turn is just around the corner and I cry to read this, knowing it’s what I’ll need to sort out, too - so soon!

You’re a good kid. You’ll sort this out. You ARE sorting this out. So sorry you have to (get to!) go through this. Not everybody does.

Old_Butterfly7984@reddit (OP)

Thank you so much for the motivational and supportive words. Thank you, and thank you again!

Of course! It sounds like a hell of a time and I’m sorry you’re going through it, but you will go through it. There’s an other side to it, that’ll come with its own awfulnesses (still talking to myself as much as you).

An awful daughter wouldn’t stop to purge herself on reddit, never mind the cooking, the needles, the cleaning. You’re the opposite and I hope there’s somebody on your side of the screen to remind you of it, from time to time.

yanknga@reddit

Go to r/agingparents. Loads of people in your shoes.

Thank you for the recommendation!

catespice@reddit

My parents died in unfortunate ways before I was 35, so I figured I was home free. However my husband’s mother is 93 and now so infirm we look after her 24/7 in our home.

Like you, I was not prepared for this. Maybe even less prepared. Sometimes I dislike MIL a lot for ruining my happy married life. Sometimes I feel so bad for her. Sometimes it’s ok and we get along. I feel bad about it a lot, like a shit daughter in law.

Anyway you’re not alone in how you feel. DM me if you want to vent.

Thank you for your honesty- it’s so hard and nobody I’m around remotely understands.

puppiesbooksandmocha@reddit

You’ve got to do some work on your self talk. Practice this phrase : I’m doing the best I can. Give yourself credit for showing up. Remember it’s very hard to give love to others until you give love to yourself, the well of love comes from our own hearts and your heart is clearly hurting so much right now. Let go cleaning or being perfect and just be with yourself and your sadness and frustration, give yourself grace and then just keep showing up. Caring for parents is hard and ugly and messy and sad. No one is perfect at it or perfectly prepared

Thank you so very much for your kindness, everything you said makes sense and I will probably keep this message on repeat.

Critical_Purple_8600@reddit

Slow down here and put on your own oxygen mask. Are you drinking right now? The best thing you can do for them is take VERY GOOD care of yourself. Get help for the drinking. AA is one place to start. Ask THEM what kind of help they need, if any. Start having conversations now about their future plans and finances. Are there other siblings around?