from "the country of my dreams" to "a place I want to escape"
Posted by Relevant-Future7519@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 32 comments
I'm going through a rough time at the moment and was wondering if someone experienced something similar.
Background story: About 8 years ago I moved to Norway. Main reason, I always loved the Nordics and I spent alot of time in Norway as a kid (a part of our family is Norwegian). I was well prepared for the move and never regret it for one second until recently.
Shortly after I moved I met my now ex bf, we were together for 6 years. Things were great until they weren't, I guess we wanted different things in life in the end, and he also had a bunch of health issues that he simply refused to fix. We sold our apartment, I rent a small place with the goal of buying something for myself.
Then I met someone online, randomly and not planned at all, from the US. We clicked immediately and after a lot of chatting and video calling we decided to meet. We confirmed, and started to plan a life together. My biggest obstacle was having to leave Norway, it was a real struggle and a topic that was on my mind for a very long time. Over time the idea to start all over in the US grew on me because I really felt that he's the one and it's absolutely worth it. I also started to see Norway in a different light, I got annoyed by things that I loved before, I couldn't see the beauty anymore and I felt more like "let's get out of here" but still mixed with a bit of sadness when I really thought about it.
The issue I currently have:
5 months ago he ended it and I was devastated. Since then I've absolutely hated it here. I hate everything about the country. The plan to buy an apartment is on hold because it makes me feel trapped. I really tried and went to alot of showings but I can tell I don't care at all how the apartment looks, what it sells for etc. I always wanted to get out as soon as possible.
Everything about Norway is a trigger. The language, the people, the tourists. And I don't understand myself anymore because it's once been the biggest obstacle in making this happen and now it went from the country of my dreams to the place I want to escape.
I'm trying to be patient but I don't feel that I'm making any progress. Has someone experienced something similar, and most importantly: is this ever going to change again? Am I going to love the country again?
Any advice is appreciated.
allergicturtle@reddit
You are grieving a future you thought you would build. First accept it isn't happening, you can't change it. You have to really process those emotions. This will reduce the negativity so you can make a decision with a clear head. It's okay to leave, but not in a rush or negative emotions that might compound and hit you later again.
Relevant-Future7519@reddit (OP)
It's for sure the grief that's talking. I'm not going to make any life changing decision (apartment, move, job etc) right now. I was just wondering if anyone else experienced the same and if that feeling ever goes away. My therapist said it will fade over time but so far that hasn't happened.... She also mentioned that it might never be the same again but it will be more manageable.
Anonymous30005000@reddit
Yes, I hated the US after everyone in my family died. I pretty quickly married my bf and moved with him as my husband to his home country of Colombia. It’s been great as a low stress good climate place to kind of work through the anger, resentment, confusion, panic attacks, sadness, etc that I had back there. However, I don’t think I’ll ever truly like it here. There’s a laziness/lack of personal accountability and consideration for others that keeps people in disregard for rules and laws and results in trash left everywhere, robbery, crumbling infrastructure, graffiti, etc. The stereotypical phrase “that’s why we can’t have nice things” personified. On the other hand, people are really connected to their family and prioritize spending time with the extended family every week, having parties, and everyone really welcomes and enjoys children and are delighted by kids being noisy rather than annoyed. All this to say, I probably should have just done some intensive therapy rather than getting married and trying to escape abroad.
allergicturtle@reddit
It will definitely fade if you open up to newer experiences. I held onto grief for a long time and it took a move to really shock my system. So it might be what you need. Maybe you were also ready to leave with or without the relationship, and your body is telling you as much.
Livid_Importance_453@reddit
That's grief talking, not a clean read on Norway. Use borderpilot to check the visa/options and real costs first, or you might just swap one mess for a pricier one.
U03clh9@reddit
I would say to leave Norway. You don't love it. Now is your time for a fresh start.
Adventurous-Car-2250@reddit
I had a similar feeling after living ten years in Australia and going through hell of a life. I hated doctors, tradies, people at work seemed strange, no real good connections here, no family , etc... Then my spouse and I made a decision to move back home, where my parents and my old friends are. Last year we went home for six weeks to visit my parents and friends. I started to imagine my family's life there. Literally everyday life, mundane , going to work, choosing school for children, organising catch-ups with friends. We talked to moving companies,about $25,000 to move our stuff. Sure we would gain family and friends back, but that six weeks helped us understand that each one of them has their own life and world, and what we imagined as very active and connected social life quickly hit the reality of "how do I make money here to survive the lifestyle that my friends post on Facebook and Instagram"? In six weeks I didn't even see my close friends because things happen and people have their own lives you know...
Long story short, when I acted upon my idea to leave Australia and look for alternatives suddenly I started to appreciate the small things I've gotten used to in here and appreciate them. I'd say that helped me settle down here.
Just thinking that you can make a decision and be in another country in two weeks, with everything you've got, facing a new reality, helps you assess whether it's the best decision for you to leave. Hope that helps.
Evening_Film_4242@reddit
I am, unfortunately, in a similar situation than you. In my case is Germany and nothing to do with relationships, but I am there.
My goal now is to look casually for jobs that would allow me to move to my home country or my wife's. This way I managed to mentally relax and dissociate a bit from hating this country. Maybe that helps, but it is true that if I find the opportunity I'd love, I would accept it and move.
Top-Albatross7765@reddit
🫂 Feel hugged. I hope an opportunity for you to leave comes up soon. We are living in Germany and also have had it up to the brim with the place. I also got banned from the germany subreddit yesterday for 'trolling', i e. talking about our lived experience in Germany, especially regarding disability, which is very on brand for Germany 😂 I wear my ban like a badge of honour! 😂 We will probably move summer of next year because of school, so in the meantime I'll be giving absolutely zero fucks and calling it like I see it :)
Wonderful-Part3495@reddit
Sorry about everything fam. Things will get better ✊🏾
IncreaseGlum6213@reddit
I think therapy is what you need most before making any more big life decisions. A serious break up followed by falling in love, getting ready to move countries again follows by another break up is rough! I’m not saying never leave Norway, but I think some therapy before making another drastic life change would be beneficial 🩷 Are you originally from the states?
Relevant-Future7519@reddit (OP)
Thank you. I already finished a therapy because there were more things going on (loss of a close family member, 2 friends moving far away, issues at work) than just the break ups. I started a new therapy with another therapist because the old one wasn't that great tbh but I have to pay it myself, means I can't afford more than 1, max. 2 sessions per month.
I'm originally from Germany but I work for a big international company. I had already talked to them regarding a potential move to the US + work visa and they told me it's not an issue at all (intracompany transfer), they'll handle everything. I work 100% remotely and could even keep the job I'm doing now.
IncreaseGlum6213@reddit
You’ve had a really rough 12 months or so, I’m sorry you’ve had so much happening and I’m happy to hear you’ve gone to therapy! The reason I asked if you’re originally from the states is because I do think another drastic life move wouldn’t be the best decision, but if you were born and raised in the US, I’d understand wanting to be closer to family.
At the end of the day, we’re all just strangers on the internet and only you can decide what’s best for you, but please keep in mind no matter where you go, you will always follow. Moving to the states will not magically make your issues disappear, it might make things worse for you. The US is going through some growing pains, it is an infant country and things are unstable right now. Immigration might be harder for you, there is a risk of deportation even with a work visa even if you are not a person of color (many white immigrants have been detained and deported) there is no universal health care and should you continue therapy, you will need to pay for that out of pocket as well and it would most likely cost more than in Norway. Also consider the cost of living, salaries are higher in the states but so is the cost of everything I know Norway is not a cheap country, but the wealth distributions and social care is vastly different. If you move to the states, where will locate to? Moving to Ohio or Nebraska most likely will not help you depression, there is no public transportation in the US other than NY or San Francisco and even then, they don’t compare to the rest of the EU.
At the end of the day, you must follow your heart, do not let anyone discourage you, but just take into some consideration some of things mentioned above. I would hate for you to relocate to the states only to end up just as unhappy or worse, I wish you nothing but the best! Continue with therapy, write in a journal, hang in there! Life is hard, but you’re stronger than you realize
Expensive_Session230@reddit
I feel your pain and you're strong enough to get through this. But (you knew this was coming right): How comfortable are you with you? What I mean is, can you just say - I'm going to do nothing right now.
Sometimes when there's chaos, missteps, craziness in our lives we make snap decisions and take the situation as personal failure.
Often, it isn't.
My suggestion: Take your time. Be alone, no quick relationships, final move decisions. Leave the part of Norway where you are, even if it's just a day trip. Really.
8 years, you changed. Who you were then is not who you are now. Grieve that death, the relationship and the part of you lost with it.
Hope that helps. Right now? Look at the new woman you have become and be gentle with her, she's grieving.
gremlinguy@reddit
If you want to love a place, you will. The issue is deeply committing to that love and putting forth the effort.
Non expats don't have this issue. Loving where you are from is like loving your right leg. It is a part of you, you were born with it, you don't view a choice and you accept it and do your best with it.
For expats, loving your new country is like loving your wife/husband. At first it's all smiles and rainbows, but newness fades, reality sets in, and to maintain harmony, we have to put in effort and CHOOSE happiness every day. We have to look for the good things, we have to internalize that we are connected and that our own happiness depends on how we view that connection.
If things about Norway are triggering you negatively, perhaps you need to work on reframing them, that is if you actually want to love Norway in the first place. If you don't actually want to love it, you never will. But if you make that commitment, you can do things like gratefulness exercises, deep history study, language immersion, even psychedelics in nature if you are so inclined (connecting to the physical land independently of the people was a big part of it for me).
Do a deep dive and you'll find that you already have the answers.
VieneEliNvierno@reddit
You met somebody from the US, started a relationship with him and then he ended it, but you hate Norway? I am understanding that correctly or did I mix things up?
bigopossums@reddit
I think OP is saying that Norway has become easy to blame, like it is the common denominator for her. It is easy to say "this all would have worked if I just didn't live in Norway" than accept that things just didn't work and to move on.
CountrysidePlease@reddit
I think it’s about several things at the same time for OP. A previous bf who broke things up, and OP started to somehow resent Norway in ways that were ok previously… the OP met someone else from the US and things were looking good. There was the possibility of maybe going back to the US and start over, but at the same time OP was still dealing with questions about leaving Norway. But there were options and a future with someone again. Then this new person ends the relationship, leaving OP not knowing where to look for in a future or even where that will be. Going back to the US was scary but OP had someone who seemed the real deal, so the move would be hard, but with a lot of excitement and plans of a future together. Doing all of this alone after two break ups that sound super close in time is being super hard. That’s what I read at least.
miarosa758@reddit
This has nothing to do with Norway, I believe. The issues you are trying to deal with are the break-up and the new love. 6 years is long enough and you need time to get over it. New love, well, who can resist it? I see here two things that you may want to clarify for yourself. Firstly, are you ready for a new relationship? Secondly, if you move to the US will it be easy for you go back to Norway if you change your mind? In any case, I wish you all the best. And remember, when they are saying that life it's too short they are lying. Life is long enough to go ahead and start fresh when you need it.
Philanthrax@reddit
first worlder trivial issues diaries
Boring-Parfait-2624@reddit
Yeah I experienced something similar. It only resolved after my feelings about the guy and the breakup resolved. It’s not the country that you hate, just the experience you’ve had - a breakup and maybe to extent the person you met while you were there even if it was online.
Stay put. Work on healing. 6 years is a very long time.
Relevant-Future7519@reddit (OP)
Thanks for your response. It's relieving to hear that I'm not alone.
The 6 year long relationship wasn't the real issue I think. It hurt just like every break up but I left knowing I've tried every possible way to make it work. The other relationship didn't work out because his ex wife wanted to destroy us at all costs and he crumbled under that pressure and manipulation. Maybe I just need more time to heal.
atty_hr@reddit
Are you in therapy? If not, I would give that a go and see how you feel after you have processed both break ups.
Relevant-Future7519@reddit (OP)
I'm in therapy because there is more that happened than "just 2 break ups" (I made another comment on that somewhere in this post) and I'm not going to make any life changing decisions right now. But any small improvement feels like it takes an eternity right now..
SlippingAway@reddit
I second this. It might be right to move away, but not the right reason. You risk feeling like this in the next country you move to and will regret leaving Norway. Good luck.
Opposite-Ad8208@reddit
You need to decenter romance or you’ll never know where you actually want to live and why. This is not a drag, I speak from experience.
dogwoodcat@reddit
I think you need to talk things through with a licensed therapist before making any big decisions.
nss9@reddit
Looks like the person you fell for and then broke up with, from the US, was a catalyst. That exflame helped distill everything you already felt annoyed about in Norway or by Norway. The important thing is to ascertain that those things were absolutely there before exflame came onto the scene, and explore the whys behind them. Cause Norway is basically Top 5 on most measurable metrics except, depression. (Word has it they just kill the depressed and hence are always a happy society.) but for real, your feelings are valid, and likely indicate a deeper, more organic personality to country mismatch. And who can you blame that on? You've changed and grown since you saw Norway as your dream. Now is as good a time as any to build your next dream. Isn't it?
NotGoodSoftwareMaker@reddit
None of us in the North like the Norwegians, dont worry.
Jkjk we actually do like the Norwegians. The swedes however… 😒
Pan_Duh_Pan_Duh@reddit
I’m sorry. Hugs!
You went through something really hard. Therapy, meditation, journaling, something to help ground you and sort out your feelings might be best before making any decisions.
wishing you the best
HVP2019@reddit
So currently Norway has problems and things you dislike. Fine
So what countries you can move to that do not have problems Norway has? What countries do you believe will annoy you less? How about your country of origin?
I don’t bother stressing about minor things in my host country because I believe others countries will have problems too, and being a new immigrant again will be especially annoying.
asabil@reddit
Norway does that to some of us. You are not alone.