Am I being unreasonable?
Posted by beccyboness@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 28 comments
I’m (27f) planning to move from the UK to Germany to be with my partner (23m). We spent roughly a year living together in Australia and have since moved back to our own countries for 5 months. He’ll be starting university this year and has free education in Germany so I will be the one making the move and finding work over there.
The problem is, I find this risky and overwhelming. I’ve been tirelessly researching about the best visa option for me, savings plan, how to make friends, moving to Cologne, how much money I’ll need each month, etc. He does support me particularly emotionally but not as much through action. I don’t feel supported in the ways I actually need (like researching things together or making concrete plans). We only speak about it when I bring it up with how stressed I am. When I do ask him for something like writing an email to immigration it takes 2 weeks. Or making a phone call appointment with immigration has taken months. We do learn German once a week together but independently I spend 10+ hours a week learning.
Recently he told me he wants to do a 6 month abroad placement in 2028 which adds another layer to my worry of being alone in a new country, adjusting to a new culture and language and then I am alone for that period.
I feel the plan is one sided where I am:
Moving countries
Giving up financial stability
Navigating a new way of life
Losing my financial and emotional safety net in the UK
I have a gut feeling of if I do not feel supported now, will I when I am living there?
My questions are:
Am I being unreasonable and asking too much of him whilst he works and studies?
In what ways do you think a partner should support you before a big move?
Has anyone been in a similar situation?
He has the emotional mindset of “it’ll work out” but I don’t think he understands how hard this move with be for me and how important it is to see him take initiative and find some helpful information himself.
I don’t feel that anyone I know understands the situation I am in so any advice or perspective will really help.
SeanBourne@reddit
He’s just starting university. Even though he’s only 4 years younger, he’s at a much earlier life stage than the number would suggest. (17/18 rather than 23). He’ll be pretty focused on university (and ergo, himself) for the program - so you probably aren’t going to make a lot of headway trying to get him to ‘take initiative’ - his ‘take initiative’ bank is going to revolve around school.
You’ve noted the life stage difference yourself to an extent - but I think the realization that you may find yourself coming to is that this works only if you take all the ‘hits’ to make it work - which may include being alone in a foreign country while he’s off on study abroads. This sounds like a lot (because it is), and it frankly just might be too much to make work.
LunaSails007@reddit
🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️ OP, i’ve heard many stories like that and it always end up in shit.
do yourself a favour and avoid moving countries for boyfriends. now and ever.
Twarenotw@reddit
Only move to Germany if there's anything in the experience for you (for example, career advancement, language learning if German is going to be useful to you going forward etc) and after having tried to spend a reasonable time there.
To put it mildly, your boyfriend does not seem very invested nor enthusiastic about the... whole thing, nor empathetic about your efforts. So put yourself first the same way he does.
Good luck!
ak4338@reddit
My husband is 7 years younger and we've been together 11 years. I moved to Germany for him AFTER we got married. We spent 10 years long distance with me in the US and him in Germany, with visits both ways. I would do long distance for awhile before you make any moves. Visit each other, get to know the two different places. If you still want to be together, get married and then get a family visa.
magrandan@reddit
Red flags everywhere - he is living an entirely different timeline(23 years old, going to college) compared to yours - 27f, entering prime career age and possibly family/kids in near future. Won’t work out even in the uk, definitely not Germany.
ak4338@reddit
This isn't a fair assessment. My husband is 7 years younger than me and we've been together over 11 years, first 10 were long distance. It can work. But if she's not getting her needs met, that's not an age issue, that's a relationship issue.
photogcapture@reddit
It sounds like you can “tag along” if you want but he is not making you part of the decision process, he is just telling you what’s next. That is not a “we” relationship, that is a “him” relationship.
Some_Sea7898@reddit
The key thing is going to be your social life. If you have a great social life, everything else will come together. I would go and try it out with the idea that you’ll give it six months or so.
antizana@reddit
So what’s your long term plan? What career are you working on? That’s what you should prioritize. It’s worth trying to spend some months in Germany to see if you even like it before deciding that’s what you want to do - it can be a tough place to integrate into and sometimes having a local partner can be counterproductive (ie they become your social outlet, everyone you know is through him, and you still feel left out because they naturally want to keep speaking German together). If you like the place and you see some good career options/ a real future for yourself, go for it. If you feel like you’re giving up everything and he’s not, well, that doesn’t sound sustainable longterm.
He also has a long time until he’s done studying (he’s getting a late start even by German standards) and it sounds like he’s in full “it will all work out” student mode but that’s not really compatible with someone who is supposed to just follow him around.
beccyboness@reddit (OP)
Exactly. This is a good idea to spend some time there. Trial it out and see how I feel afterwards. I’m scared of the isolation but seems to be inevitable for a lot of people. I’m very open to moving abroad and I am worried about the regret of not trying new things and not giving it a go at all.
RockStar781@reddit
I think you need to take a very hard look at everything you wrote out that you're concerned about and how he has Not supported you at all in this process. He's 23. You can Still see the world and take big leaps to try new things. But please do not dump money into this relationship specifically. If anything, think about if Germany is where you want to trial your next adventure or if you have other ambitions.
Pan_Duh_Pan_Duh@reddit
I think you should look at the move as if you would want to move/benefit from moving to Germany for yourself. Are the jobs that you are interested in in Germany? If there is nothing in Germany that gives you sparkle/feel good, why move? Even if you are happy and in-love and were being better supported, that rarely over-rides being miserable in other aspects of life.
That being said, do you like being in a LDR? The UK is long, but at least still in decent traveling distance, it’s okay to let things play out for another 6 months to a year.
He’s 23, and I find most people really round out after 25, and more so around 30. He could also be subconsciously avoiding commitment, and that’s why he is drawing things out. Like, he likes you, but he might fear losing his freedom and other opportunities more. Or is only thinking about the right now, not long term relationship stuff.
That being said, I do understand how you feel. My husband is Mongolian(29m), and most of the long distance move to Mongolia has been falling onto me. I’d fault him more, if it wasn’t for the fact that I’ve done this process before and know how overwhelming it is to navigate - I hate international moving lol. Which is why I asked him to get support from his mom who has a lot of experience doing visa processing stuff. But what I’m seeing with your partner is the same as I’m seeing with my husband, drawing out a process, not maliciously, but a combination of ”living in the now” and “FOMO” and “everything will workout as it’s supposed to”. That being said, I do benefit from moving to Mongolia in other ways and have friends and other support out there… which is why I don’t mind as much.
I don’t know if you have this in the UK, but if you have moving companies/storage companies that charge small amount for storing stuff, if things don’t work out, you at least didn’t make a big move. That’s my plan anyways, to store stuff and have it shipped after 6 months if things look like they’re going in a good direction.
I wish you luck. It’s a really frustrating position to be in.
movingarchivist@reddit
If he wanted to help make this easier on you, he would. I spent 20 years with someone who loved me but could never figure out how to really partner with me, to support me emotionally, where I felt like I was doing all the work. During covid, I had a random, severe allergic reaction and asked him to drive me to urgent care. He said I could borrow his car bc he didn't want to take the time off work. That was it. It broke something in me. And this was all back at home, where I knew how things worked, spoke the language, etc.
Fortunately by the time I moved abroad, I had met someone who is always looking out for me and always wants to make me happy, wants to support my goals, etc. I can't imagine trying to integrate into a new place while also having to figure everything out on my own.
It may be that he's just not at the stage in life where he can care for you the way you want to be cared for. In my experience, it's not worth waiting around for. But look, if you can just go back if it doesn't work out, then go for it. Have the adventure. See what happens.
Neverland__@reddit
Since you’re asking I always give the same advice:
Don’t move for love
ESPECIALLY if they’re not making at least the equivalent sacrifices for you. This dude is not.
1 year in aus is a holiday. He’s back home now, not on holiday anymore…..
Also bro is 23 lol so don’t expect any proper commitment
Beneficial-Koala-670@reddit
If you haven't realized it already, he's living his life, and you're just tagging along.
DevelopmentBig6960@reddit
Don’t do it. Find a guy you love with family in same country as your family. Life will be better.
Morning_Star_47@reddit
I think you're NOT being unreasonable at all. This is a matter of reciprocation and unfortunately it doesn't exist a lot these days. You mentioned doing things for him but he's not willing to do the same for you. I also deduce that this wasn't a one-off thing for you to mention it here. For sustainable relationships, this is something that happens naturally. You might not even have to seek his assitance. He was supposed to be a bit proactive and help you out.
So ssk yourself whether you can completely rely on a person who doesn't even help you out with immigration paperwork in a new country where you don't even know the language? Choose well. Good luck.
1agomorph@reddit
I think the key to success here is having this move be about something greater than just your relationship. For example, this move could be a way for you to get your foot in the door to living in the EU and starting the career you’ve always wanted. You’re going to have to invest A TON of effort to start new life there, so this has to be about a lot more than love. Don’t do it for love alone. I speak as someone who moved abroad for love. I interpret your hesitation at this early stage as a red flag, do follow your gut here.
Frosty-Homework2776@reddit
Not unreasonable at all. Honestly this isn’t just about the move, it’s about effort. You’re doing almost all the planning for something that affects both of you, and he’s kind of in “it’ll work out” mode. That would stress me out too. Moving abroad is never light. If he’s already slow to take action now, it’s fair to wonder what happens when you’re actually there and more dependent on him.
The 6-month abroad thing would also make me pause. It kind of shows he’s still planning his life independently while you’re reorganizing yours around him.
I think your gut feeling is picking up on something real.
Gods_ShadowMTG@reddit
don't do or
Zealousideal_Rub6758@reddit
I feel like Ireland would have been a more appropriate compromise… the reality is that you’re at different life stages. Honestly, I would maintain contact but also let him live his uni life, you’re a bit ahead of him by the sounds of things.
Impossible-Snow5202@reddit
If you do all of the work to move there, he gets all of the comforts of a live-in girlfriend with no commitments necessary and no work to do on his part.
If you don't do the work to move there, he can meet, date, and have sex with other women.
He has shown you how much effort he will spend to help you.
whatshouldwecallme@reddit
This is a relationship question more than an expat question, but frankly this does not seem like a situation that is likely to succeed. If you're already not getting what you need from him, and he's planning *another* move, I don't see what this is actually likely to get you in the short, medium, or long term.
beccyboness@reddit (OP)
I understand. I saw similar posts to mind so thought I may see if I can get any advice here. That may be true..
whatshouldwecallme@reddit
It's not a terrible place to ask the question, you'll definitely get good perspective.
gregd303@reddit
This ^ ... also Germany always comes up when people say they're unhappy , lonely, couldn't integrate, have no friends, & generally hate it! So, if you feel this way now, then it doesn't bode well for living there.
HungryGhost5000@reddit
Is there a reason that you can't write an email to immigration?
I can understand why a phone call might be more daunting, especially knowing from experience how much of a nightmare it is talking to German authorities on the phone...
But you can't write an email, using ChatGPT or Google Translate?
If he is German, then there is no reason why he should have any more experience in dealing with German immigration than you do. Citizens tend to have less experience dealing with their own immigration than visitors and visa applicants. The have no need to deal with them in normal life.
beccyboness@reddit (OP)
I did! I wrote the email and sent it to a few places that may advise me and asked him to translate it and do the same just to cover more ground.