ULPT Request: relocating the joker, the smoker, the midnight toker
Posted by SeasonPositive6771@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 154 comments
Spoiler: piss has already been used.
So there's this unemployed asshole who sits outside my building, in a camp chair, smoking weed at all hours of the day and night. Honestly it wouldn't bother me that bad if he didn't listen to his phone on maximum volume, often singing along or repeating "funny" lines, or replying to the actors as though they can hear him. He's also coughing and gagging the entire time, every time like it's his first time smoking. This dude is so loud I can hear him with the windows closed and earplugs in.
He's usually out there for anywhere from 30 minutes to a record of 4 hours. Usually about an hour and a half. When I say he's always out there, on Sunday he was out there at 7 am, 9:30 am, noon, five, 10, and 1 am.
He's already in the process of being evicted although management says that could take 90 days or longer.
He used to leave his chair out there until one of my neighbors pissed in it (no piss disc, just straight up peed in it). Now he carries a camp chair out with him.
I decided to do something about it after that disabled neighbor who is on oxygen and has very frail health told him he really needs to start using headphones and he exploded at her screaming that she's not his dad. He then spent approximately the next 15 to 20 minutes screaming and muttering to himself, mostly insulting her and she's the sweetest lady on earth. Liquid Ass and other smelly products are out because it would blow right into her window.
Whenever anyone else asks him to keep it down, he's screamed at them and has intentionally been louder for the next few days.
The apartment manager says he's not mentally disabled or anything, just a dyed-in-the-wool asshole.
So how can I run this guy off? Or at least get him to smoke in his car or elsewhere on the property?
Sea-Louse@reddit
I was a city park restroom janitor for 15 years. I once had a dude start sleeping next to the restroom hallway at a softball field. Normally I wouldn’t care, and didn’t, until he started taking a shit in the hallway every night after we had locked up. One time I came by to clean and lock up, and there was a fucking turd right there. He spoke first. “Some guy let his dog shit there”, to which I quickly responded, “nope, that’s human shit”. I finally got tired of this guy’s “shit”, so I remembered a trick I heard about once. On my way to work one day, I showed up at the park in my own car, on my own time, and poured half a gallon of bleach all around where he slept at night. I never saw the bum again.
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
That's a good idea about if he doesn't exactly lie down or sit down on the ground.
Niniva73@reddit
Dude's obviously mentally ill af. Whatever you do, avoid direct confrontation, as he's not living in reality.
All I have is a dubious suggestion: call 911 and imply you're concerned that a neighbor has gone off his meds. Rather than lying, use framing to get the "this guy needs a 72 hour evaluation" context across. Words like "think" and "seems" can keep it legal.
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
Yes, this morning the apartment management even recommended we call the local police every time now. She's also discouraging talking to him directly, so I don't think he's doing as well mentally as she thought he was.
panic_bread@reddit
Why haven’t you already been calling the police every time?
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
Because the cops say they aren't going to respond, I've called several times and they say they don't enforce noise issues and to go to the apartment management.
No-Scientist-3801@reddit
Useless police
tehjnz@reddit
Look into directed sound deterrents, especially ultrasound / subsonic devices. They are highly directional and won’t bother the nice lady, but will make the asshole feel oddly uncomfortable and likely cause him to relocate.
SnooPickles55@reddit
Would you happen to have an example of one of these fine products? I just need a thread to pull, and I'll find others.
mindcaptivator@reddit
The Mosquito! A motion activated supersonic emitting sound and strobe device that is meant to keep trespassers and wildlife away
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
Unfortunately he's well over the age of 25 so I don't think he could hear it.
rawdatarams@reddit
Not uncommon that older people can hear them. Hubby being over 50, is still able to (just) hear it. I don't, I'm 43.
That said, the Mosquito has two modes, one with lower kHz which is audible to all. Would prob be ideal for your situation. They're very effective and you might only need it for few occasions before the dude gets the message.
I have one, because my neighbours are a-holes and I didn't want to be any less.
microwavepetcarrier@reddit
fwiw I'm 42 and I can still hear those high pitched bastards, so it's not a hard line at 25 or anything.
Tonkatte@reddit
Honestly this is a good suggestion, especially if the ‘frail woman’ is elderly. High frequencies are very hard to locate, can be very annoying, and older people generally can’t hear them.
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
Now we're talking. I'll look for something I can afford.
He's out there right now and has been for over an hour. I'm exhausted and just need to sleep.
stabby54@reddit
Oooh OP should play some creepy whispering sound effects over one of those.
SoItGoes007@reddit
Definitely a cheap hidden speaker, so you can be his new inner voice and further amplify his mental illness. Save up odd sound effects and movie clips, so you can sporadically play them and watch his reactions.
Since he is in public, record it all and try to make a few bucks off posting the videos.
Treat your neighbors to an eviction party in 90 days with the proceeds
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
Nowhere to hide it, it's all asphalt.
Crafty-Evidence2971@reddit
Could he hear it from your window?
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
Yeah unfortunately but then so could I!
SoItGoes007@reddit
Coin sized
https://www.amazon.com/LEICEX-Bluetooth-Portable-Wireless-Speakers/dp/B0BPNYY61M
nurdmann@reddit
Annoy-a-tron. Hide it and let it melt his brain.
AnnoyingPCB - Cricket Noise Maker Prank - The Prank Device that Won’t Stop Beeping for 3 Years https://a.co/d/01LYpZMM
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
It's plain asphalt all the way to the fence, nowhere to really hide anything. I thought about that one for a while.
Crafty-Evidence2971@reddit
You could put it inside YOUR window when you’re not there to annoy him maybe
ozzy_thedog@reddit
Can you go drop piss balloons on him from above? Or piss water gun every time he sits down?
Thatguy468@reddit
Seems like a great use for a super soaker 250
Additional_Post1131@reddit
Is that what you call penises?
Crafty-Evidence2971@reddit
I’m trying not to wake my husband up laughing at this one!
Additional_Post1131@reddit
Did you say piss balloons? 😭😂
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
Nope sadly I'm directly across from him and screens don't open.
LOUDPACK_MASTERCHEF@reddit
Spray him with a hose
Dantheman4162@reddit
People over complicate things when there is an easy answer. Spray him with a hose every day and he will find a new place to sit
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
No water hookup :( and he's a dude who's twice my size, I'm a woman.
Dantheman4162@reddit
Super soaker from the window. Duck and hide
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
The screens don't open :(
Crafty-Evidence2971@reddit
You can shoot a super soaker thru a screen if you hold it very close. Maybe wrap a towel around it just in case ALL the water doesn’t go thru. Also, they sell cheap ones at Dollar Tree
Aetheldrake@reddit
Water balloons and have a tazer ready?
HusqyFan@reddit
Super soaker filled with piss
leroy4447@reddit
Paintball gun
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
There's no water hookup out there. And that would trigger a physical confrontation I think, I'm a woman and about half his size.
drake90001@reddit
Don’t shit where you eat.
madonna-boy@reddit
find a neighbor, use their window to dump a pot of boiling water on his head.
tallant13@reddit
Gon Git!
writinglegit2@reddit
First thought i had
OldnBorin@reddit
It puts the lotion on its skin, or it gets the hose again
dfin25@reddit
Call the cops, say he's been showing his dick to kids. Use a burner.
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
Apartment management actually told me today I need to start calling the cops every time he's out there now.
I don't know how I picked up a second job calling the cops on this dude but apparently I did.
dfin25@reddit
Eventually they'll beat his ass just because they get tired of hearing about him.
Fabulous-Educator447@reddit
Oh, sorry my old neighbor apparently moved in next door to you. It’s the most aggravating thing there is. My old neighbor did that cough cough cough gag smoking for ages right outside my bedroom window. Ugh.
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
It's absolutely disgusting and he was still going at 2:00 a.m. last night and started again this morning before 9:00.
deltadeltadawn@reddit
That means it could be an ordinance violation for loud noise. Maybe.
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
The cops here have unfortunately said very specifically that they do not enforce noise ordinances. They said we have to deal with the apartment management or owner.
Jaded-Citron-4090@reddit
Soooo if the cops dont enforce noise ordinance, who tf does? Sounds like they dont want to do their job.
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
That is correct. They do not want to do their jobs.
deltadeltadawn@reddit
This situation really stinks for you. I'm sorry.
FirstPersonality3169@reddit
It ain't "just started smoking" cough. Its a should have took a break for the lungs 100,000 puffs ago cough.
Blunt_but_Honest98@reddit
Step 1: Get some Durian Extract & Thai Fish Sauce.
Step 2: Mix together.
Step 3: Pour mixture on the stoop area the toker sits on ahead of his usual hours. Preferably on a night without rain.
Step 4: When he kicks off about the smell outside, call for a Welfare check. If he sleeps in clothing stained with the mix, the smell of filth and rankness could be grounds to call a welfare check when he’s sleeping as surely he shouldn’t smell like that if he’s sane?
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
Unfortunately anything with a terrible odor like that is off the table as it would directly affect my disabled member.
Blunt_but_Honest98@reddit
I’ve dealt with a pothead dealing in a block where I used to live before. An easy way to deal with it was leaving a prepared baggie of green stuff badly hidden where they can find it. No ganja, just sprayed with hemp oil and perfume to smell like the stuff. What actually was in the baggie was a mix of dried bitter green salad leaves cut up then covered in a mix of fine dried green chilli powder & valerian powder. Would give him a nasty migraine, nausea, vomiting, diarrhoea & one hell of a cough with little to no second hand effects if he’s puffing up a storm outside the block. Could be called in for ambulance crew under guise of a welfare check for suspected Spice use.
Dorsai56@reddit
Butyric acid is cheap and smells horrible. Like rotting vomit. Get a bottle and pour several small puddles around where he normally sets up his chair. He'll move.
Butyric Acid High Purity Fragrance/Aroma Compound (30mL (1 Fl Oz)): Amazon.com: Industrial & Scientific
Dorsai56@reddit
You might want to start dosing it with an eyedropper, it's really bad. You can always add more. Also, you'll want to put it inside a couple of ziploc bags which you seal in a tupperware container or something.
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
This is an absolutely devious idea. If I can be sure it won't affect my neighbor, I might do it.
SalisburyWitch@reddit
Every time he starts an episode, call for a wellness check with the police.
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
I really hate the cops here and they have said repeatedly that they don't respond to these type of calls and I need to talk to the apartment management. It sucks.
No-Scientist-3801@reddit
There should be a neighborhood watch
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
I wish we had one!
No-Scientist-3801@reddit
There is no community watch nearby or something other than the police
No_Educator_6376@reddit
Pour sugar on the area he sits in soon it will be infested with ants 🐜 he will leave and go somewhere else.
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
We do have an ant problem. And this doesn't involve me buying anything illegal or just generally incriminating.
I think you might have something here.
swakins@reddit
I go w honey. It'll get on his shoes. Throw a few other things in there like seeds and dryer lint to stick to his shoes.
No_Educator_6376@reddit
Add more fuel to the fire and he will leave you alone
zamfire@reddit
Or actual fuel and match!
MadDadROX@reddit
Put honey on place he sits, handful of birdseed too. Watch and enjoy.
TheVenusLashe@reddit
Best suggestion. Doesn't involve direct contact and makes the area impossible to use.
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
It's the best one so far, that's for sure!
Substantial-Pound-36@reddit
I hate to suggest something as simple as an assbeating, but it does work... especially on assholes like what you described. He's amended his behavior to negative stimulus once (piss chair now comes and goes with him), so hes capable of it. Now its just a matter of finding a negative enough stimulus to make him adjust his roll. Fear and trauma work real good in these circumstamces.
realDespond@reddit
fill a super soaker with sugar water and do a drive by
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
Unfortunately there's no real way to do a drive-by, it's a dead end! I would have to very slowly pull into a spot and back out.
realDespond@reddit
back into the spot so you can speed off after?
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
Now you're thinking with portals.
Cynical_Tripster@reddit
You said the windows have screens that can't be removed. This may backfire and check local laws (apparently this is 100% legal in Wisconsin per a YouTube).
Mosquito attractors apparently exist. If fox piss is sold at hunting outfitters an Ag store may carry them. Skeeters shouldn't get thru the screens.
Could also start mobilizing the local corvids.
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
Yeah it's 100% legal here as they can be permanently removed in case of emergency, but not easily removed/replaced.
Mosquito attractor is extremely appealing, unfortunately we don't have a ton of them here but that's something to consider.
Sadly, the birds wisely avoid the area due to the presence of poisoned mice. But I've considered just spraying bird seed everywhere.
Patient-Bass7601@reddit
I think an old fashion stink bomb might be fun if you have a way to drop them from above
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
Unfortunately that would blow the smell right into my neighbors apartment (and my own).
vinraven@reddit
He threatened your neighbor, that’s assault by threat, call the cops every time he assaults anyone, let them know he’s mentally unstable.
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
Unfortunately the cops here do not care. I have called, and my neighbor has called. They said it's not an emergency and they'll send somebody around at some point but we need to complain to management instead.
vinraven@reddit
You can go to the station to file the reports with them followed by filing restraining orders as both you and your elderly neighbor are in fear of constant assault.
A restraining order of even 50 feet will make him have to leave.
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
I wish I didn't have this experience, but in my job I help people get restraining orders and this would not qualify for one here. He hasn't made specific enough threats. I could potentially goad him into doing that but it might put me at risk.
vinraven@reddit
Oof, doesn’t sound like a very protective jurisdiction
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
It really isn't, it is very offender friendly and very hostile to victims.
coldcanadian000@reddit
If you're not worries about mid level confrontation and you have the time, get your own lawn chair. When he goes out, you go as well. At as close to him as possible. Just stare at him. Don't say anything or interact otherwise. Just stare. If local. Laws allow it (in Canada they do), record the interaction without him noticing. If he makes any threats to you, either verbal or physically, that's great evidence for a charge and perfect for law enforcement to at minimum pay a visit. You would also then be able to get your side of the story on a police report as the complainant.
If it's legal for him to sit there, it's legal for you. The vast majority of people become very uncomfortable while being watched.
To step it up a notch, have a little notebook you make notes in. Have fun with it. Tally the number of coughs, the verbal outbursts. If you have access to adecible meter use that as well.
In Canada, (the laws I'm familiar with), if it's been documented that the residents have asked him to leave because it's bothersome, if he continues to do it in a public area, all of the above information will be valuable in a potential complaint.
His behaviour as you've described may not fall within the confines of a noise bylaw, but the case could be made that he's preventing you and your neighbors from "Lawful Enjoyment of your Property". Especially the incidents that occurr during "quiet hours". Potential charges here fall into "Causing a Disturbance" and/or "Mischief"
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
Unfortunately I'm a woman and about half his size. And I really need to be working or sleeping most of the time he's out there. I can't really risk him escalating unexpectedly.
coldcanadian000@reddit
Fair enough. It was simply a proposed methodology of it was applicable
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
It's a good idea, I wish I could. I even thought about hiring someone to do it. But I wouldn't want to put someone else at risk either I guess.
yay4chardonnay@reddit
I feel an office lottery and “Baby Shark”blasting on a loop in your future. Send your neighbor to a library or a botanical garden on the day you pick and let her in on it. Landlord is not a healthcare professional. Call police for a wellness check or 5150 him if he yells and threatens.
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
Yeah, as of this morning property management kind of changed her tune and told us to start calling the cops every time. I thought about baby shark or something else annoying on repeat but there's nowhere to hide a speaker.
deltadeltadawn@reddit
Don't hide it. Collaborate with the neighbor and put the speaker out of his reach.
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
Yeah I could put it inside her window but then she'd have to hear it?
deltadeltadawn@reddit
Fair point.
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
Yeah, as of this morning property management kind of changed her tune and told us to start calling the cops every time. I thought about baby shark or something else annoying on repeat but there's nowhere to hide a speaker.
cpc758@reddit
Get public health involved. Tell them you’re pretty sure he has tuberculosis, which is very contagious, and there’s an elderly woman with compromised health living close by where he coughs. By the way, he may actually have tuberculosis.
108beads@reddit
If the neighbor who is on oxygen and in fragile health is, indeed, elderly (I believe 60 is the cutoff), you might have luck with calling adult protective services for your city or county.
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
That's true, drug resistant TB is spreading. I'll look into that.
FirstPersonality3169@reddit
If getting evicted probably best for you to wait it out.
Is there anything that would truly change the guys behavior? I think unlikely.
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
It caused a temporary reduction of his behavior, but not an elimination. In fact, he's out there right now.
FirstPersonality3169@reddit
I mean wait til moves. Sounds like a smooth brain thatwill make your life smooth brain chaos to engage witth
grafittibob@reddit
Tell him you stopped smoking and you want him to have this weed… but it’s weed laced with a lot of pcp. He’ll freak out and get arrested. Problem solved.
grafittibob@reddit
Tell him you stopped smoking and you want him to have this weed… but it’s weed laced with a lot of pcp. He’ll freak out and get arrested. Problem solved.
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
Unfortunately the cops around here are not very responsive and there's a reasonably good chance he could genuinely hurt someone if something like that happened.
grafittibob@reddit
Tell him you stopped smoking and you want him to have this weed… but it’s weed laced with a lot of pcp. He’ll freak out and get arrested. Problem solved.
ironicmirror@reddit
If he is a POC, you can just call the cops and say there is "someone suspicious" talking to the girls walking by.
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
Nope. He's a white guy but he is watching stuff that's not really appropriate for kids. I think that's what I'm going to report.
Punkinpry427@reddit
Fish emulsion water balloons.
masshole548@reddit
There is a plant fertilizer called fish shit. One of the worst smells ever.
Impossible_Leg_2787@reddit
Isn’t that just water
masshole548@reddit
Oh no, it is literally fermented fish bits and poo, comes in liquid form, smells worse than it sounds.
Punkinpry427@reddit
Best way I can describe it smells like a corpse found in the dumpster of a seafood restaurant at 3pm on an August afternoon. That, plus crap.
MjrGrangerDanger@reddit
Water? Wouldn't touch the stuff... Fish fuck in it.
Punkinpry427@reddit
Plants love it tho
coldcanadian000@reddit
It's got electrolytes.... They crave it....
Punkinpry427@reddit
Someone should make a Brawndo fert for reals
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
Unfortunately it's the same odor problem, it would absolutely hit my neighbor.
froggythefrankman@reddit
Is there something you can do to jam his WiFi or cell signal
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
Unfortunately there are a lot of people who could be affected by that in the building.
mindcaptivator@reddit
I wouldn't recommend looking into using a conical antenna if you went about that. Theyre very easy to build/buy and help direct radiowaves in a targeted area.
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
There's another building directly behind him though. I would never want innocent people affected negatively.
mindcaptivator@reddit
They dont sell 2.4GHz and 5GHz combo radio/WiFi jammers on aliexpress. Dont even look
Embarrassed-Sun5764@reddit
I have his brother, outside my work at a “shipping hub” in Phoenix. Big knapsack full of whateverthefuck . Not worried about that because we have metal detectors going in and out of. On the phone talking to himself sometimes comatose sometimes rambling with earbuds. I know folks have different issues I’m not making light of them. I wish my work had a special needs badge but I realize that IS discrimination and also HIPPA. Weird ass shit outside your workplace keeps you on edge
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
That's exactly it, this is absolutely destroying my mental health. Not only does he not sleep, it means he's waking me up twice a night sometimes. He was out until after 2:00 a.m. last night and then started again at 9:00 this morning which is the longest break he's taken in a while, but he got extremely messed up for 4:20.
Hatsaplenty@reddit
Water gun from your window. Spray every minute or so, not continuously. If that doesn't work, piss gun. Works well to deter smokers in someone I knows experience...
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
Unfortunately, our screens don't open.
Salt-Patience7384@reddit
My neighbor does exactly this when he's off his Bipolar meds, just saying..
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
Yeah, I strongly suspect something like that here. He's not sleeping for more than a few hours at a time and seems a bit frantic.
RareNerve415@reddit
You should secretly round up as many people as possible to gaslight him into doing something illegal that you can use against him or something bad like that I’m yeah that’ll work
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
I've been thinking about posting a Craigslist ad that he's selling discount labubus...
wiliestarcher@reddit
Slingshot and rock salt from your window at night. Practice and act fast to avoid detection
drwaleczki@reddit
Guy clearly has his brain fried, along with maybe a mental illness, your landlord can say whatever he wants. As much as I'd be tempted to just zip that guy straight in the jaw, it's probably necessary to try and see a man crying for help. Call the cops, tell them you're concerned about his health and safety. Late night noises, unginged behaviour, drugs - all the reasons to get authorities involved. Paint it as concern about a fellow man, rather than a complaint about a nuisance. He may really need an intervention
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
I think you might be right. Management has also changed their tune and said we should start calling the cops every time he's out there now. Several people have suggested things that might lead to a confrontation, but I'm a woman and about half his size.
Bratchan@reddit
"my neighbors pissed in" bless them they already have the heart of this sub in it.
Buy a plant walk by with plant goto your apparement. Go back out come back with yoru fishfertlizer for your plant, trip and fall right there where he likes to be bonus points if you get on him.
Spray fox piss where he likes to be
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
Unfortunately any strong odors are going to hit my neighbor.
NewNameAgainUhg@reddit
Call the police and report him for selling drugs and weed
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
Yeah, this morning the building manager actually recommended we call the cops every time he's out there now.
himitsuuu@reddit
Find a time when he's not out there. He's probably got a spot he sits in. Take some post hole diggers and start putting holes around where he sits aiming for any dead grass his chair might have made. Take the grass off the plugs the diggers made and just put it back.
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
There's no grass or dirt, it's all asphalt.
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
There's no grass or dirt, it's all asphalt.
bionicallyironic@reddit
This is a good one. Could also try spraying sugar water in that area to see if it attracts ants, but also, I hate ants and wouldn’t want them anywhere near me so 🤷. Or spray watered down bullion cubes on the grass where he sits and maybe dogs will tear that area up and/or try to dig around him when he wants to chill.
Hotdog0713@reddit
Im assuming he sits in a shared area that is likely paved
DMmeyourRegina@reddit
Creative!
Goldilocks1454@reddit
A motion activated sprinkler maybe if the manager allows.
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
Unfortunately there's no water hookup on the back of the building.
Future-Excuse6167@reddit
You could try some loud counter programming until he gets at least some noise-isolating headphones.
But I wouldn't. I don't know what your apartment manager's mental health expertise is, but I disagree with his assessment.
SeasonPositive6771@reddit (OP)
Yeah, that's kind of the issue. I'm a woman and about half his size.
Follow_youre_heart@reddit
Add piss
mopbuvket@reddit
Sometimes people just need a good ass whooping. Id pay a crackhead to do it try and keep a layer of separation since you live there and he can probably id you. Make sure the crackhead robs him and tells him every time they catch dude outside its on sight. 20 up front and 20 after will buy you a hell in a cell level cage match from a seasoned head. Bonus if u video it