Bolognese sauce, but I’ve butchered it and added cream which has split, and peas just to make it look more like fresh vomit

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detta001jellybelly@reddit

Did you add all the cream at once instead of slowly?

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Deleted_dwarf@reddit

I think you forgot one key ingredient: tomatoes

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DrunkAndUnaware@reddit (OP)

lol there are a ton of tomatoes in there. My family bottles homemade sauce once a year, so I added a bottle. Plus we had some tomato paste so I added that. I also added a can of diced tomatoes.

I guess this goes to show that my bastardisation has truly ruined any notion of “bolognese”, especially when traditional bolognese sauce uses very little tomato, if at all.

So I guess it’s not even bolognese sauce to begin with, but I thought that since most add tomatoes it would be the most useful name to give it

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Glenmarththe3rd@reddit

That doesn't sound like enough tomatoes for such a large pot

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DrunkAndUnaware@reddit (OP)

I am but humble peasant, how much tomatoes apart from a 1.5 L bottle plus 800 g can of diced tomatoes plus 200 g tomato paste should I have added to “bolognese”?

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Nixx177@reddit

Here you go, official original bolognese recipe: https://www.accademiaitalianadellacucina.it/sites/default/files/Rag%C3%B9%20alla%20bolognese%20-%20updated%20recipe_20%20April%202023.pdf

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LonnieJaw748@reddit

TIL the oregano I’ve been adding for all these years is an unacceptable addition.

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Nixx177@reddit

Well you can add whatever you like in the bolognese, just don’t call it bolognese afterwards lol

I hope no Italian reads this, but I LOVE putting mayo on my bolognese. Like spending hours making a perfect one and drowning it in Parmesan and a side of mayo is peak

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Persephone_Joensen@reddit

I'm Italian born and raised, and I put mayo on 95% of my food. I would definitely put some on a good bolognese.

However, I just discovered chicken gizzards ragù sauce is a thing and I wanna puke.

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Nixx177@reddit

Mayo on risotto is also another guilty pleasure haha

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Persephone_Joensen@reddit

I mean, why not? Especially if there's some type of seafood in it. Mayo on shrimp and zucchini risotto? Yes sir

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HeyCarpy@reddit

Chicken gizzards, however - no problemo.

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Carl_Slimmons_jr@reddit

And the “paper thin garlic” is just complete bullshit apparently lol.

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LonnieJaw748@reddit

So weird that garlic in a pasta sauce makes it no longer DOC. I do highly agree on their law against rosemary in the bolognese.

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DrunkAndUnaware@reddit (OP)

Thank you, this has truly enlightened me

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Glenmarththe3rd@reddit

Depends on how big ya pot is, I use pretty much half that for about a 2-3L pot and it might be the photo but it looks like yours is way bigger than that

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linkedup11@reddit

I've never seen anyone use even a remotely similar ratio of tomatoes to sauce.

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It is not supposed to be a tomato based sauce though. The colour of OP's is more akin to that of traditional bolognese than all the red sauces floating around. Usually only a small amount of chopped tomatoes or tomato paste is used to add some acidity. Just a fun fact.

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V_T_H@reddit

I only use one of those little cans of tomato paste and that’s it. Bolognese is a meat and dairy sauce.

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Pandadrome@reddit

True, and it just lightly coats the pasta, emphasising the yellow colour. It's not supposed to be drenched in red sauce. I cook it both ways, but call only the proper one the ragu alla bolognese.

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Rosaly8@reddit

Sometimes I like mine heavy on the tomato as well!

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IrisSmartAss@reddit

You might want to try to attempt something like this when you're sober.

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nohopeforhomosapiens@reddit

Alright you've been torn into enough. Yeah, bolognese does not involve cream.

Carrot
Celery
Onion

Chop those up and throw into a deep pot with olive oil of your choice. Put a bit of salt, not much, to help the onions. You will salt to taste at the end. If you want, you can add other veg like garlic at this point.

Add minced meat of choice (pork best) to pot once the oil is bubbling and the onions translucent.

Cook it down and use wine to deglaze the pan of any sticky bits of meat.

Add canned tomatoes. Your choice of tomatoes matters a lot for the result, and maybe the most important thing. San Marzano varieties are good. Mutti brand is popular.

Put lid and simmer low 3-4 hours. Lid on. No touchy.

Taste.

Add optional fresh basil or whatever you want.

Taste.

Add salt if needed (keep in mind cheese will be salty, and pasta should be cooked in salted water)

Keep low and cook pasta in separate pot.

Toss almost-cooked pasta in hot meat sauce.

Serve on plate and let rest.

Top with parmigiano or similar dry aged cheese.

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DrunkAndUnaware@reddit (OP)

I literally did all of this. I just added cream because I wanted a cream sauce and I thought it looked disgusting enough for this sub lol

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nohopeforhomosapiens@reddit

So, was it good?

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mkstot@reddit

All is not lost here. Reduce some heavy cream in a separate pan by about half, then start to whisk in the broken sauce, adding more slowly as it becomes emulsified again. The amount of cream needed depends on the quantity of broken sauce. Another way is using boiling water instead of cream, and obviously it doesn’t need reduced by half.

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DrunkAndUnaware@reddit (OP)

Honestly the picture is just a bad photo with bad lighting. I add a bit of pasta water to emulsify the sauce, and once the sauce is plated on the pasta, it doesn’t look that bad.

I think the lighting on my stove just makes everything look horrible when I cook but once it’s on the table it looks fine.

If I could add an updated plated photo, it might even suit r/foodporn lol

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mkstot@reddit

I wasn’t intending on insulting your dish, only offering some advice as to how to repair the sauce. Fixing broken sauces was my forte when I cooked professionally.

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Frankenfucker@reddit

Thank you so much for not recommending a corn starch slurry.

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fellaneedahandpls@reddit

That is awfully brown for bolognese sauce

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DrunkAndUnaware@reddit (OP)

I could make it more brown 😉

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fellaneedahandpls@reddit

No that’s alright

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Specialist_Mode_6423@reddit

La apariencia no lo es todo.

Jajaja.

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Lysergene@reddit

Sometimes the grossest looking shit tastes the best

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Nuppusauruss@reddit

Hey, at least peas are an acceptable addition to Bolognese according to the official recipe by the Academia Italiana Della Cucina.

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Madea_onFire@reddit

Heavy cream doesn’t do that. Did you use half & half or milk?

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nessaavee@reddit

Can I ask I’ve alway wondered for people who manage to mess up recipes with clear instructions, do u just disregard what the recipe says and do your own thing or lack of ingredients or how did u get here ? Just wondering because this is a pretty straight forward one not a whole lot of ways you can go wrong unless you decide to just go rogue.

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Persephone_Joensen@reddit

Idk OP, this looks very similar to a sauce my grandma used to make when she wanted to prepare "pasta al forno" aka "pasta pasticciata". It's only missing random bits of sausage and/or mortadella and it would be it 👌🏻

Ps: I'm Italian and grandma was specifically from Ferrara, in Emilia Romagna.

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poliver1988@reddit

Keep cooking it down until the cream has largely evaporated and the curdled bits brown up nicely, blending into the sauce

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DrunkAndUnaware@reddit (OP)

It’s too late, we’ve eaten it and portioned leftovers but thanks anyway

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Guest10409284@reddit

as we speak his digestive system has probably shat it already

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Rozdymarmin@reddit

r/yourjokebutworse

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Hungover994@reddit

Too late OP is already shitting it out as we speak

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thxxx1337@reddit

That makes it a split pea sauce

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deleted-user@reddit

Honestly, this is still salvageable and I bet it still tastes great. Some extra pasta water to help the sauce emulsify and you're all set.

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ryan__rr@reddit

Barfonaise

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PawnWithoutPurpose@reddit

I think we can setup calling every pasta sauce with meat and tomato bolognaise

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DrunkAndUnaware@reddit (OP)

Maybe I can call it bolognese soup

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fullywokevoiddemon@reddit

Bolognese barf if you want. At most.

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PawnWithoutPurpose@reddit

No. But I admire your ambition

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novian14@reddit

Setup? You mean stop?

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PawnWithoutPurpose@reddit

lol yes, swypo

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novian14@reddit

Typo with swipe keyboard? Ok that word should be in dictionary XD

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PawnWithoutPurpose@reddit

Yeah! Agreed

They’re so distinct from typos because a typo is usually one or two letters, but a swypo is often a completely random word with little context

The most annoying one is abs instead of and

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Kingslayer-Z@reddit

I hate you

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bourbonwelfare@reddit

You're really selling it to me!

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LatterParty182@reddit

what’s thatttt

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Hundike@reddit

Well done, Italians are surely crying somewhere. I hope it at least tasted good lol.

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midwest_elder@reddit

It looks like a nice aloo gobi mutter and I would probably be quite cross upon tasting.

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Nu11AndV0id@reddit

Honestly, it looks more like it came out the other end. Hope it tasted good, at least.

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maxru85@reddit

Next time, use the high-fat cream or add a ladle of sauce into it and mix before pouring it into the pot (better both)

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DrunkAndUnaware@reddit (OP)

It was high fat cream, I just added it way too early

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maxru85@reddit

Ah, so you boiled it

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Reelair@reddit

May as well put it in the blender at this point.

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OrangeClyde@reddit

I just had a bout of food poisoning last weekend and this is reminiscent

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DrunkAndUnaware@reddit (OP)

That’s the look I was hoping to achieve

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NightStalkerXIV@reddit

As long as it smells and tastes good, no one can stop me from eating that on my pasta

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DrunkAndUnaware@reddit (OP)

I’m telling you, most shitty looking sauces are actual flavour bombs, but only look shit because it’s a picture of the sauce on its own without any culinary contextualisation.

Tell me pesto looks great without knowing how it tastes or what ingredients are in it, it’s just green shit paste.

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Dmau27@reddit

Oh christ.... I gasped.

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DrunkAndUnaware@reddit (OP)

Jesus died for our right to create these abominations

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oli_ramsay@reddit

WTF are you doing? 🤣

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DrunkAndUnaware@reddit (OP)

gif

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Pistolero921@reddit

Yikes

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DrunkAndUnaware@reddit (OP)

Enjoy

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ExplanationCandid935@reddit

you know, i’m on my work break, fighting the feeling of being sick and then you just throw this in my face, i hope you stub your toe!

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DrunkAndUnaware@reddit (OP)

If it helps, I regularly stub my toe on purpose to stone for my sins. But it was very delicious

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NhylX@reddit

Bolognasty

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DrunkAndUnaware@reddit (OP)

Vomightese

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hoaian1@reddit

Honestly, this is like the standard state of sauce in a pot, it looks scrumptious and i have the sudden urge to dip some bread in there. Tally-Ho, bro.

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DrunkAndUnaware@reddit (OP)

100% I would toast some ciabatta and dip for days. Is it sauce or is it dip? Depends how you feel. Today I felt penne

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papaflush@reddit

gif

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DrunkAndUnaware@reddit (OP)

Yeah that’s what I said whilst taking the photo

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RapaNow@reddit

Call it "ragù vomitevole" and call it a day

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DrunkAndUnaware@reddit (OP)

Well when I grated Parmesan onto my plate, it smelled like vomit so I guess that name isn’t without merit

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