Responsibility for aging parents and strained relationships

Posted by Responsible_Claim_91@reddit | GenX | View on Reddit | 37 comments

Seeking advice from my wise peer group.

My (48F) aging parents 72 (mom) and 71 (dad) live approximately 8 hours away. I retired from the military a few years ago and have no intentions on moving back to my home state.

Significant family issues, neglect, strained relationships. My brother (46) no longer talks to my parents because of their terrible marriage, my father's affair 20 years ago, and many shitty things from our childhood.

My mom and I are close and talk often. Our relationship has had some bumps along the way and I have filled the parentified daughter role for a good chunk of my life, which has been fairly awful in its own right. I have accepted certain family issues as both of my parents faced significant abuse in their childhood and likely should have never had children.

I know in my heart that I will do what is needed if and when my mother falls ill as she ages.

I'm struggling with the issue of supporting my father. He was angry, critical, rarely home, had a 7 year affair on my mother. His behavior is indicative of a man who is not very remorseful or aware of how his actions have affected our family and each of us. I hear from him via text on my birthday (sometimes) and also on Christmas to say thanks for gifts I send him. He makes no effort to stay in touch, or maintain a relationship with me. I can only surmise he didn't like being our father, having a family, or thought us being in his life made his awful, but he might never admit it. He is self-deprecating and self-absorbed about himself any time we have talked.

He still neglects my mother and is dismissive, disrespectful and treats her fairly poorly. She will never leave him.

I have been heartbroken over his behavior (and how he treats my mother as well) and lack of care essentially my whole life, but now feel guilt that I resent him so much and don't want to take care of him. I have tried separating his relationship with my mother from how I feel, but I can't look past him mistreating her. She wasnt perfect, but was kind and loyal to him.

Not sure how to navigate this and I havent found the answers in therapy. I'm no longer willing to accept the excuse "he did the best he could" because having children and a family requires more than paying a mortgage and utilities (my mother worked full time and did essentially all home/family/child rearing).

I'm of the opinion that when you know better, you do better.

I have a giant hole in my heart filled with guilt, love, resentment and just don't know what to do with this mess.

Happy to take advice you wise folks have relied on in your lives to navigate this. Please be kind as this is a giant wound for me.

[-]

TrickQuiet9630@reddit

i have similar feelings towards my father, a verbally and physically abusive, narcissistic alcoholic. i grew up in fear of his unpredictable rages, bruises, abrasions and broken bones were a staple of my youth. and like yours, i know my father was repeating the messed up parenting he'd received from his dad.

i moved out one week after my 18th birthday, but i sent cards and gifts for every holiday and called a couple times per month, because that's what family does. but after mom moved out, it became really clear that i was the only one making an effort.

and like you, decided 'that when you know better, you do better.' instead of repeating his behavior, i did a 180. the best thing he ever gave me was an example of how not to be act. and then i realized i was trying to earn his respect because i bought into the myth that parents automatically have unconditional love for their kids, and if he wasn't giving me that, there must be something wrong with me. some parents are mike and carol brady, and some are harry and zinnia wormwood, just luck of the draw.

after seeing him as just some guy, i was able to admit i didn't even like him. he's the blowhard at the bar you don't even make eye contact with. i stopped reaching out 12 years ago, we haven't spoken since, and i couldn't be more at peace.

your situation is a little more complicated as you parents are still together. but from your postings, your parents seem to be living independently. your father has already told you he doesn't want to discuss the matter, respect that. but start looking into home health care programs in their area. medicare will provide it in some instances when medically necessary, but check with their state's medical insurance. if you're lucky, they live under a more generous plan.

check with local charitable groups, senior centers or churches, there are some who will provide transportation to and from appointments, some that still deliver food. contact social services to find out what other programs are available. if you start doing the groundwork now, it may relieve some of the stress and anxiety.

and if there is a local senior center, encourage your mom to get involved in some way. or if she's religious, gently nudge her to become an active member at a church, temple,, etc. or volunteer at the library or an animal shelter. maybe by expanding her social circle, she'll become a little more independent of her husband .

aloha mālama pono (with kindness and compassion, take care of yourself)

[-]

Even-Net7997@reddit

Going through similar - it’s hard. I (58f) love my parents, but my parents always did whatever they wanted and what was best for them not the five kids. They will take anything and everything the kids are willing to give, to the point of cratering our lives if we let it happen. I was always the most responsible, so I have to pace myself and set limits now that they need a lot of help. I’m also former military and have a deep sense of duty, so I allow myself to do things I don’t have to do or probably shouldn’t do, to honor my own sense of honor. We all have to be able to live with ourselves, right?

One thing that has eased my anxiety about all of this is getting concrete information about their care plans and last wishes – – all the necessary legal documents, directives, what care they’re entitled to, etc. It wasn’t easy. The sicker parent has been extremely grateful, while the healthier one tells everyone I am mean and abusive. Don’t care, I make my choices.

Also, I no longer read any of the social media slop about narcissism, toxic family members, lies, etc. Have you gone down that rabbit hole? It all happened a long time ago, cannot be fixed, and they will never change. Try to let the past go if you can. Whatever it takes – – a retreat with fires to burn things, therapy, Buddhism, you choose. I live for today and the future only. Good luck to you.

[-]