Husband menopause support

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AussieGirl27@reddit

Just know that her mood swings are not your fault, nor can she control them. She will hurt, all the time, everywhere and for no reason. She will not feel herself and feel that she is losing herself and this is the worst fucking feeling. Just be there for her, don't get exasperated because she can't remember things she used to be able to or drops things regularly because menopause makes you clumsy for some reason.

The brain fog, oh the fucking brain fog. Its just ridiculous, you seriously just forget shit. I have to put reminders on my phone sometimes because I know I will forget. And its a surprise every time that reminder pops up because I have no memory of putting it in there!! There are just blank spots!

Read up on the symptoms so you can understand that its not just hot flashes and dry vaginas there is a list as long as your arm of symptoms and they can be debilitating, frustrating and emotionally draining

Its a nightmare and it lasts a long time between perimenopause and then full menopause, it can be years. HRT is a godsend for controlling the hot flashes and brain fog but its not a cure for all of the symptoms but if you have a supportive partner who is willing to try and understand and not get frustrated at you then that can help massively

Just be understanding and inform yourself

By making this post you are halfway there :)

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Reader47b@reddit

Buy her a cooling blanket.

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LayerNo3634@reddit

Encourage her to see her doctor. Hormones make menopause a non-issue.

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Available-Secret-372@reddit

Run for the hills

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jordy1971@reddit

New podcast out called Two Gen X Bitches and they are all about talking about perimenopause and menopause. (Wherever fine podcasts are found)

You have set yourself aside and take care of her. She’s going through something like a second puberty (not quite but still turbulent.) Just be patient and do whatever it takes to make her comfortable. It won’t work, and she’ll still want to murder you a lot of the time. But it’ll pass.

Also, get yourself some therapy if you need someone to talk to. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

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crit_boy@reddit

Hrt

It is your only hope

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sweetassassin@reddit

join r/Perimenopause This is the 5-7 years leading up to menopause. A lot of folks dont yet understand the actual processes of the body and they correct names for them.

Let’s start there.

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mtcrick@reddit

You are such a good person to be looking for advice on this.

My best recommendation is patience and gentleness. Menopause is a wild ride. Try not to take things personally. Make the best of the times that are good and just try to get through the rough stuff.

I was unable to do hormone replacement so just had to grit my teeth and get through it. My husband stood by me, was so patient and I so appreciated that.

Best of luck.

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ONROSREPUS@reddit

This is where my wife and I are right now. The toughest ones are personal attacks that I know isn't her. Never once had them before menopause started.

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Free_Negotiation4026@reddit

Bundle up and let her use as much air conditioning as she needs.

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idrathern0tsay@reddit

My wife is going through menopause, and I am just present for her. Listen to her. Take her seriously, and don't get offended if she wants to sleep in another room. It's not you. I just pay attention to her, and when she can sleep, I let her sleep as long as she wants. I know that she appreciates it, because she says "you're so amazing!"

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Catnip_75@reddit

HRT!!! Find a good doctor who can educate her on her options. No one is winning prizes for suffering for 10-20 years through it.

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Head_Trick_9932@reddit

If they’re able, not everyone is. I’m 50 and been trucking through almost a decade and cannot take HRT due to congenial heart defect.

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Tinyberzerker@reddit

That's rough. I have a genetic mitral valve regurgitation but I'm ok on HRT. It made my arrythmia better actually. Hopefully you're getting close to the finish line; I'll be 51 soon and haven't had a period since June. 10 months before that, so hoping I'm done soon.

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Head_Trick_9932@reddit

I’m hopeful I’m close to the end but also not too optimistic because so many share their horror of “I went 11 months and it came” lol!

My last one was July of last year. Hoping both of us are almost done with this journey.

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spider3407@reddit

I hate to break it to you, but that means you go from peri to menopause. Together they can total 20 years. 10 each is common. Symptoms can even last past menopause.

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Head_Trick_9932@reddit

I’m aware lol

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Catnip_75@reddit

Symptoms can last over a decade. Once we go a year with no period is not when it’s over.

So much more new research out there saying HRT is heart protective. Estrogen protects our heart from further decline.

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Head_Trick_9932@reddit

Correct. I’m at a decade in peri now.

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Tinyberzerker@reddit

There will be a party! 🙌

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spider3407@reddit

Amen!!! 180 degree change for me.

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Pristine_Main_1224@reddit

Those body temp regulating bedsheets and bamboo pajamas/nightgowns.

I’m not even in peri according to 3 years of hormone tests, but the hot flashes and night sweats have been happening for almost 4 years.

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lottadot@reddit

Read r/menopause

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1imaginarygirl@reddit

Key word is read, don't post. I'm 48f, post meno and i won't even post or comment. Those bitc-, I mean women, will eat you alive.

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k2j2@reddit

That subReddit has literally been a lifeline for my sanity these last seven years- it’s validating, raw, funny, heartfelt and filled with tons of wonderful advice.

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Witty-Damfino@reddit

My first thought too.

OP, there have been male partners to politely ask questions on the menopause subreddit and they always seem to receive helpful responses. It’s a good place to start reading to get an idea of what may be coming, I learn something from it all the time and I have been in perimenopause for a few years now!

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JessieColt@reddit

Handheld, battery operated fans. Cooling towels, or neck type ice packs that you can keep in the fridge or freezer that she can grab/use any time she might want.

Research percale sheets and light weight blankets for the bed to help keep her cooler at night.

I switched from a comforter to a lighter/thinner blanket and then added a microfiber blanket to the bed that I keep folded at the foot of the bed.

This let me start the night with lighter offerings and if for some reason I felt cold in the night, I could pull the other blanket up and over me as needed.

Or if you use a duvet on the bed but no blanket between that and the sheets/top sheet, maybe add a light/thin blanket under the duvet.

At night, the duvet can be accordion folded to the foot of the bed and she can start with just the top sheet and light blanket, but if she gets too cold, she can pull the duvet up and over her.

Layering on the bed can help make a big difference at night.

If you share top sheets and a blanket, think about switching to the Scandinavian/Swedish sleep method. Each side of the bed has their own blankets and you can both use or not use them individually.

https://www.sleepfoundation.org/sleep-hygiene/scandinavian-sleep-method

This method works really well with the layering of blankets on the bed because each of you can use or not use the multiple blankets without affecting the other person in the bed.

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mtcrick@reddit

This is great advice. We have gone to the Scandinavian 2 blanket thing and it has been great. We also have a 2 zone water filled bed cooler/heater and it has changed my life.

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Zestyclose-Smell-788@reddit

Listen well, OP. This guy has it right. I was going to type out the same advice but no need. This, right here.

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Vegaprime@reddit

This sleeping arrangement and she uses a hotsleepers blanket from Amazon. Least she gets a good night sleep.

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mandoaz1971@reddit

Run

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More_Law6245@reddit

My wife has been going through this for the last 10 years and was unable to take HRT because of hereditary reasons and I'm not going to lie it has been rough some days and my AC unit will attest to that. It comes down to communication between you and your wife and setting clear boundaries of acceptable behaviour and just as a side not MMA rules are not applicable here (tongue in cheek). But also remember to check in on you wife and see how she is actually doing, it's kind of easy for men to forget or not to understand what your wife is going through, it's something extremely difficult but it still actually affects both of you.

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DarklyDominatingDocs@reddit

Something y'all should know: If she chooses against systemic HRT (or it's medically contraindicated), but she becomes unhappy with lessening of sexual desire (or develops any other menopause-related physical sexual dysfunction/dissatisfaction), vaginallu-applied HRT (Premarin) exists, and is a GREAT middle ground between systemic HRT and no HRT!

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HappyHolidayHomo@reddit

Go out to the shed, go boating, camping, fishing, there is nothing you can do that will be right.

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leftylibra@reddit

r/menopauseshedformen

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whocaresreallythrow@reddit

I wonder what the divorce rate is doing - ticking up with mebopause? with gray divorce growing more popular it’s bound to be an issue in our generation. Would be interesting to see the data

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Catnip_75@reddit

The data shows that the divorce rate is very high after 50.

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Head_Trick_9932@reddit

I believe it. I’m 50 and in the last few years, quite a few friends have divorced. I feel like one of the few still married. Some I never expected but expect the unexpected lol. I also feel like many stick it out just until kids are grown.

I feel like success in my marriage is the fact that my husband has always traveled lol. He’s gone more than he’s home but it does make our time together more meaningful in a way.

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Catnip_75@reddit

I have had a few friends divorce, not too many, but it’s still early lol most of us are around 50 now. We all have University kids still at home.

I love my husband dearly, but he’s retiring this December 😅 I hope he gets a hobby or we will be spending a lot of time together.

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misagale@reddit

Hormone replacement therapy! Also cold house, and patience. It can last a long time.

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Dr_Alexis@reddit

I don't get hot flashes though

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misagale@reddit

Lucky! They’re horrendous

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Cranks_No_Start@reddit

Also cold house

When my wife started with the hot flashes…Ngl I saved a ton of money that winter on the heating bill.

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Head_Trick_9932@reddit

My husband saved a ton this winter.🤣 This was the first one I had hot flashes and whewee…definitely saved on heating lol.

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Catnip_75@reddit

The cold house even without hot flashes is a must!! I’m on HRT but I still love crawling into an ice cold bed. Thankfully my husband is very supportive and he just goes to bed with a lot of cloths on 😂

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IceNein@reddit

I am eager for my GF to go through menopause so we can have the same temperature preference. My ex was post menopausal and it was great.

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AthleteHistorical490@reddit

Yep my wife did hrt and it was a game changer.

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huck500@reddit

HRT

BedJet

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worstpartyever@reddit

Bed jet is AMAZING! I’m post meno and love it still.

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NaturalProfession922@reddit

Wife here, 58f. Just ride the wave with her dude. You got this.

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BoneDaddy1973@reddit

Read r/menopause. Do not post there. Don’t do it! Not even if you’re right and helpful. They don’t want to hear any of your shit over there, they have enough problems.

Join r/menopauseshedformen. Post there instead.

And this has been a great opportunity for me to get out of my own way, to understand that my wife’s moods aren’t my fault or responsibility, and to work on many of those same shitty long standing defense mechanisms.

It’s a long road. Remember that you probably promised in sickness and in health and keep in mind that includes menopause. Take maximum pleasure from the good timescale there’s still plenty to be had. Try and keep it you and her vs. menopause, and not you vs. her and menopause. That won’t help either of you.

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jaxbravesfan@reddit

My wife has been going through the beginning stages and I’ve just tried to be there to support her. I have no way to know what she’s experiencing, so I just do my best to put her comfort over mine, listen to her, be extra helpful around the house, and don’t take it personally if she’s in a bad mood, needs some time alone, or is even directing a little anger towards me (which isn’t often). I can’t imagine what it must be like to go through it.

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Vegetable-Lasagna-0@reddit

Keep the house cold and be patient with her.

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IceNein@reddit

I am eager for my GF to go through menopause so we can have the same temperature preference. My ex was post menopausal and it was great.

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Vegetable-Lasagna-0@reddit

I used to be skinny and cold all of the time, now my husband and I love to freeze together!

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ShartlesAndJames@reddit

understand that her body is absolutely betraying her. hormones affect energy, mental acuity, digestion, sleep, balance, - nearly everything. women may experience all these or only some of these side effects - lack of interest in sex, or gain weight, or have hotflashes, or lose track of what they are saying mid sentence, suddenly have the balance of a drunk toddler, pass gas like a rhino, have meltdowns over nothing - etc etc.

And know that she is absolutely sidelined by it

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Weird-one0926@reddit

Well said my wheatie

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ShartlesAndJames@reddit

gif

xoxo

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Cat2370@reddit

While there are common symptoms, women can have very different experiences. For instance, my worst were anxiety and heart palpitations, and dryness in the nether regions—so maybe be prepared for that. And vag e can address it. I had to have that convo with my husband as I didn’t know what was causing it at first—I think ours is the first generation to really be having these convos on a wide scale. I don’t get hot flashes, night sweats, or wild mood swings—but your wife might. It’s great that she’s like “hey—this is happening” so you can navigate it together. Finally, not all women want or can do hrt, but I’ll just say it’s been a game changer for me. If she’s open to it, highly recommend.

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ReaperGirl@reddit

If she is having hot flashes I highly recommend Red Clover supplements. My hubby got them for me after doing heavy research (he's amazing). Just taking 1 a day totally relieve the hot flashes within a couple days. I was seriously walking outside in able drop snow barefoot for relief.

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Away-Ad3792@reddit

Remember how you felt during puberty? Your body felt different, unable to regulate your emotions sometimes? Felt like no one understood you, but desperately wanted human connection? And at the same time wanted to be left alone? Everyone irritates you, but you are afraid of being alone? But also want to be left alone? Feeling overwhelmed by normal things? Yeah, imagine all that while also watching your body turn into a garbage bag full of cottage cheese and being married. And having a job. And remembering how you used to be a pleasant adult who was not a bog troll. So the best thing you can do for her is assure her she's not a big troll. And take some of the burden off of her in whatever way you can. Provide time where you are close but non demanding. My husband would often offer to take me out to dinner to any place I pick. But I was tired of making decisions. He finally had to just make date night plans and then be flexible if I was like "nah it's Netflix and popcorn for dinner". Just be supportive and give her the space to figure her body out again. Because for real her entire brain is rewiring itself. So just be patient and allow her to figure it out.

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Overall_Lobster823@reddit

Join us on the menopause forum and read about our experiences.

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No-Doughnut324@reddit

Don't ask why it smells different "down there".

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Beginning_Key2167@reddit

I just listen to her.

Really nothing I can do. As a guy there is nothing I have experienced that is even remotely similar.

If she asked me for anything I would jump on it 100%.

She seems to appreciate that I don't offer suggestions or anything other then an ear to listen.

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WolfPacker01@reddit

This! If your wife is venting, don’t try to fix it or tell her what she should do. You can offer gentle solutions, but mainly just listen and agree that it sucks.

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another_bibliophile@reddit

Don’t touch the thermostat. Ever.

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tduke65@reddit

Just stay the hell away

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formercotsachick@reddit

As a woman who has come out on the other end, my two main suggestions would be to encourage her to discuss HRT with her provider if she's suffering (but not nag, just be supportive), and to not be judgmental at all if she starts gaining weight out of nowhere. I put on nearly 30 pounds with absolutely zero change to my lifestyle.

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Woodbutcher1234@reddit

Stay out of her orbit

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Oblioscend@reddit

Wife has started her in mid 40s. Most importantly be there, listen to her and remember this thing is harsh. My wife goes from freezing cold to roasting hot. Migraines which may not be connected. I let my wife chill as she needs and try so hard not to annoy her, not easy when you are me

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Downtown_Badger4256@reddit

I love that you are here and asking about it. She is a lucky woman.

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ave427@reddit

I agree. Perhaps I should show my husband this thread.

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McNasty420@reddit

I'm going through stretches of 3-4 days without any sleep.

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Slow-Complaint-3273@reddit

So here’s the low down on what is happening biochemically in a perimenopausal brain.

Most people know that estrogen levels start to steeply decline during this time. We are familiar with changes in skin, bones, and genitalia. But here’s another major shift - estrogen is essential in our brain’s ability to process dopamine and serotonin. These are the major brain chemicals that help us experience happiness. If she used to love a hobbies but no longer enjoys doing anything, this could be part of it. She isn’t getting the reward of happy brain juices anymore.

Since she’s not getting as much joy from her life, she doesn’t have as much mental protection against minor inconveniences or conflicts as she used to. “Yeah it’s a bother, but he makes me happy. So I can put up with it,” doesn’t float when she can’t feel happy. This is where a lot of “menopausal rage” comes from.

This is NOT a case of just being hormonal. Yes it’s hormonally based, but it’s not something to be dismissed and trivialized just because it has a biological foundation. Like if you enjoy golfing, imagine how you would feel if you suddenly could never make a putt. Ever. It could be a gorgeous day with your best buddies, and the beer is at just the right temperature. But you cannot make even the simplest putt. How happy would you be? Would you appreciate it if your frustrations were dismissed or trivialized with, “It’s just golf. Get over it.”?

Read up on articles about perimenopausal anhedonia. If she mentions that she wants to ask her doctor about hormone replacement therapy, let her know that you support her and want her to feel happy again. As a side note, recent studies have found minimal links between HRT and breast cancer risks, so it is believed to be a very safe option for most women today.

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Dogzillas_Mom@reddit

Let me add: go with her to doctors and back her up when she’s talking about symptoms. I hate it and it sucks but eve female doctors seem to listen to men better and take them seriously. It’s infuriating. But that kind of support would invaluable “no really, it’s interfering with our normal daily lives.” If she has pain, back her up on that.

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lay-z-1@reddit

Lookup black cohosh. It is a tested herbal remedy that helps.

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heliskinki@reddit

Just research and try to understand what your wife is going through, and assuming you’re starting this journey in a good place relationship wise, don’t take anything personally.

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sarcasticorange@reddit

Research is good, but two things...

Don't use your research to "explain" her situation to her.
Menopause is like pregnancy. The experience is very different for each woman. One woman will be crazy horny while another will completely lose sex drive. One will be mostly depressed while another will mostly be angry. Some only have mild symptoms, others severe. Etc. So research won't really let you know what to expect because there is no way to know.

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heliskinki@reddit

Yeah that’s exactly what I learned from researching!

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Happy_Dog1819@reddit

Get your butt into therapy to adjust your shitty defense mechanisms. Tell her you are doing this for both of you.

Do not gloss over day to day things that YOU think don't matter. If it matters to her talk with her abouttjose things. I said WITH. You are not allowed to drift into planning your great solution to what may not be a problem.

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Dismal-Read5183@reddit

😴

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Mister-Owen@reddit

Expect some outbursts. Stay calm. If she feels like she wants to do something with you, do it.

Never ever try to explain her situation to her.

And buy her a couple of these.

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the_real_Norrin_Radd@reddit

Lol, I bought my wife a couple of those!

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Mimble75@reddit

Perimenopausal 50-yr-old here. I’m starting down that path and it SUCKS. My brain feels like Swiss cheese some days, I’m always tired, sometimes I feel rage for no good reason, I can’t get a full night’s sleep anymore…. It’s brutal.

All I want from my partner is a little extra help around the house, a friendly ear, and some patience. I also find I need more time on my own to just do something quiet that I enjoy and makes me feel calm.

Be there for her, anticipate some needs that you see coming up regularly with her while she navigates this hell, and make sure to take a deep breath and a moment when it feels like you want to take something really personally. Keep communication open.

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DarlingTreeWitch@reddit

You’re already a step ahead. Her hormones are about to go super wonky, be on the lookout for behavior changes. I had crazy mood swings, and felt like I was losing my mind. I couldn’t find help. I had a full meltdown one day, my hubs wouldn’t come near me (i was smashing things in a rage) and hindsight, I was having an adverse reaction to the HRT I was on. I was on it for 2 years and it was 2 years of HELL and we just didn’t recognize what was happening. Told my hubs if I ever act that way again, get me to the ER (say altered mental status due to meds) and they can fix me. Now I’m in menopause and off meds and happy again. Also, I have almost no memories of my life during those 2 years.

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gothfru@reddit

Never go two years without checking in with a medical professional

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DarlingTreeWitch@reddit

I was being seen the entire time. Side note: my beloved PCP moved away, I was seen by a lot of new doctors, the one who prescribed me HRT (for hot flashes I wasn’t experiencing) was no longer a doctor after 6 months). Plus, all the mental health professionals i was contacting were passing me off to the next one because I couldn’t articulate what I was experiencing, so I didn’t get the help I needed. I was even suicidal for a chunk of that time. It was the whole “woman in her 50s” bs that doctors have been trained to expect, but nobody has bothered to research until recently. Probably because GenX won’t tolerate “diet and exercise” as an non-answer anymore. We’re tired of suffering and being unheard. Sorry for the rant. Stepping off soapbox now. 😬

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temerairevm@reddit

It’s kind of an individualized experience so you just have to kind of roll with it. Our generation is lucky to be making the transition when medicine has realized HRT isn’t as harmful as previously thought. So for many of us, sticking a patch on our ass goes a long way!

I feel like if you’ve been with this woman through all the rest of riding the dragon of life, this is just another thing.

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CodenameZoya@reddit

Post menopausal Gen X here, I am using HRT and I highly recommend it. It’s not for everyone and there is a bit of a learning curve but a lot of the symptoms of menopause. In fact most of them are due to the insane hormonal changes. You can’t go on HRT until you are completely done with your periods, but once she is, I would recommend looking into it. The worst part for me was the hot flashes, I mostly experienced them at night and to deal with it I bought a bunch of camisole with built-in bras, dresses with built-in bras if I sweat through I just whip it off and change into a new one. Don’t make a big deal if she gets up in the night changes and goes and lays down someplace else. I did a lot of that if she’s having hot flashes, she needs to make sure she’s drinking plenty of liquids.

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Slow-Complaint-3273@reddit

Also recent research has found that HRT does not increase risks of breast cancer. If you are already a survivor of hormone receptive cancer, you may be contraindicated. But most women are strong candidates.

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trUth_b0mbs@reddit

correction: you CAN go on HRT during perimenopause.

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CodenameZoya@reddit

I was not aware of this. I was told to wait until I was completely done with my period so I edited my original comment. Not trying to gatekeep the hormones lol!

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trUth_b0mbs@reddit

All good! there's so much misinformation out there about menopause options it's infuriating!

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gothfru@reddit

💯 this. Source: am perimenopausal and on HRT and it was LIFE CHANGING.

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Sense_Difficult@reddit

I accidentally figured out that one of the old blankets I had was actually a cooling blanket. I had never heard of one before. It took me a few nights of realizing that every time I kicked my legs the blanket cooled. I have no idea how it works but it's a game changer.

Mine is a very heavy blanket but cools.

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Educational_Bid_5315@reddit

Turn the thermostat down a couple degrees at night so your bedroom is cool enough and let her use all the fans

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trUth_b0mbs@reddit

this is a tough time for many women going through peri/menopause. It's important to understand that what she's going through has NOTHING to do with you but everything to do with her declining hormones:

they do not want to be touched intimately or have sex a lot of the time. LIbido tanks, lubrication is close to zero, dont even bother with orgasms because they disappear. Like most of the time we physically can't. It's the weirdest feeling that by some chance you do feel aroused, you are not wet nor can you orgasm. Not only does this take a toll on her physically but mentally as well.

labial, vaginal and clitoral atrophy happens to a lot of women and they dont even notice it until it's in its advanced stages. Vaginal atrophy makes sex painful. Clitoral atrophy attributes to lack of orgasm. Even with massive amounts of lube, it still feels like you're inserting razor blades into her vagina.

hot flashes. It's like we're cooking from the inside out.

brain fog. She will forget all the time, unable to speak properly a lot of the times...like she may be speaking and then suddenly forget words or what she was saying. For some, brain fog can be so bad they will think they're getting dementia. She will get things mixed up or not understand what you're saying and will ask you to repeat things.

anxiety spikes as does rage and irritation. Mood swings galore. We are freaking exhausted because our energy tanks.

the insomnia is brutal.

other symptoms that women can experience: Tinnitus, vertigo, urinary incontinence, food allergies / aversions, gut issues, chronic UTIs, BV or yeast infections. Joint pain is common.

seriously, our body and mind go fucking bonkers during this time.

remember that THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU. Do not pressure her into sex or make her feel bad if she's not feeling it because not only is she not feeling it mentally but her body may not even allow her to due to the pain.

if you see her struggling with something, HELP HER. Dont wait for her to tell you what to do. If she does most of the house work, take half of it off her hands, same with mental load.

I'm telling you all of this because it's important to realize and understand what she's going through; what millions of women her age go through during this phase.

there are things she can do to help herself too: regular exercise, HRT, supplements to help her sleep, reduce anxiety etc.

most of all, be understanding.

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JoeyCalamaro@reddit

Pretty sure my wife started going into perimenopause around a year or so ago — not long after her oophorectomy. She refuses to go to the OBGYN, so it’s all guesswork on my part, but it’s like I’m living with an entirely different person.

Her libido, which was never noteworthy to begin with, is all but gone. Intimacy is rare, and on the odd chance it happens, feels like a chore. She’s also incredibly forgetful. We have the same conversations over and over and it sometimes gets to the point where she becomes annoyed or thinks I’m screwing with her. And we’re collecting new symptoms all the time. She recently started talking in her sleep and last night woke up covered in sweat.

I do my best to be loving and supportive but there’s only so much I can do. I already handled more than my fair share of chores so there’s not much else to take on there. And, while I’m incredibly patient and sympathetic to what she’s going through, that patience gets stretched to the limits when she does something impetuous like randomly quitting her job of almost two decades.

Its exhausting.

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Techchick_Somewhere@reddit

It’s sad that so much of this can be avoided with proper treatment!!

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trUth_b0mbs@reddit

HRT can help with much of it but it will not be 100% like how it was pre-menopause. I'm on HRT and my libido is low (I used to be HL), I sometimes still get joint pain for no reason, brain fog is still there even though I also take creatine....so it's not 100%.

and not everyone is a candidate for HRT and even more infuriating: many doctors / medical professionals still wont prescribe HRT either and / or are working off old data/info.

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Techchick_Somewhere@reddit

I agree. But so many women don’t even realize there are options they can try, and just suffer. I’ve been preaching to all my friends to go and talk to their Dr. As soon as I hear about atrophy I was like NOPE.

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trUth_b0mbs@reddit

totally agreed.

and the sad thing is that a lot of women arent even aware of atrophy until someone told them or they experience it. I had no idea until I tried to have sex with my husband and was like wtf did my virginity grow back?!. Then when I learned about atrophy I told all of my friends and they were floored, too. Sad that they dont teach us this in school but we have to find out for ourselves so now I'm telling everyone.

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DarlingTreeWitch@reddit

Yes, telling us to lose weight and exercise is the biggest BS answer. It’s infuriating.

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chloe38@reddit

My hot flashes started 2 yrs ago I think. There were bad omg. 10- 20 a day. I was miserable. I went along like that for 4 months. Then I started researching what I should do about it. I wasn't sure I wanted to go to the dr and get chemicals to take so I looked at herbal remedies. My boyfriend at the time came with me to the health store to look and talk to someone to get advice. Just his presence was really nice and supporting. I lucked out and picked one that worked within a week and I have been taking it ever since. So I would suggest to go with her to see what she wants, and just be supportive. It's not fun and yeah. Patience and understanding. Also always offer to put on the fan and/ or open the windows for air. LOL

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dysteach-MT@reddit

Give her grace. Ignore the snappy moody behavior and just give her a hug.

DON’T try to cuddle at night (hot flashes) - instead enjoy her sleeping naked, but DO NOT comment on it.

Agree with every weird tangent she goes off on until she realizes herself that she doesn’t make sense.

Instead of saying “What’s wrong?” when she bursts into tears because she got the wrong vegetables at the store, say “How can I help?”

Know when to head to your man cave or find nitpicky yard projects when you feel like you are going to explode due to her incomprehensible behavior.

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Lopsided_Tomatillo27@reddit

Keep popsicles in the freezer, or some other cold treat that you wife likes, for hot flashes.

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Bad-job-dad@reddit

I'm in it right now. Buckle up. Be patient and understanding. Remember she's not going to be having a good time either. Keep communicating. Talk about hormone therapy.

I'll be honest it's destroyed my wife and I romantic relationship.

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therealgookachu@reddit

Now post-menopausal GenX: what you’re reading here could be true, could not be true, could be 10x worse, or not at all.

No woman is going to have the same experience. I went through perimenopause without HRT because I couldn’t bear to have periods anymore, and HRT extends that. I had endometriosis, and wanted to be done with it all. But, my perimenopause symptoms were relatively light compared to what a lot of other women experienced. My skin cleared up, I started sleeping better, and needed less sleep because of it, my sex drive went through the roof and remains high. The only read drawback that I had, and continue to have, are hot flashes, but those are diminishing.

Compared to having my period, perimenopause was a walk in the park. I’ll take the hot flashes and occasional mood swing over the super deluxe hell of endo any day.

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Sense_Difficult@reddit

One huge one for me is the opposite of what I expected to happen happened. I always thought your period slowed down when you went through menopause until it stopped. But my doubled down. It was awful. I couldn't go anywhere.

So maybe that might be something to think about. I had to deal with my period three times every two months and I had major bladder control issues. My partner got annoyed with me for a while because I didn't want to go on road trips anywhere. I just couldn't handle it. I'd have to make sure we stopped at bathrooms and wore pads everywhere.

So maybe try to find some local things to do that are still romantic but not traveling for a little while. Took me about 3 years and now it's done and I can travel again. Looking back I had no clue how much of a problem it made. I'm so relieved it's over.

And I also agree on the rage out of nowhere. Just be prepared. Don't escalate fights. Also if she says really mean things she probably will regret it the next day. Don't take any of it to heart.

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No_Builder7010@reddit

Menopause is basically complete gonadal shutdown. It would be like if a man had to have his testicles removed, only over a period of time. All of my combined symptoms (hot flashes were not among them) led me close to suicide. I finally tried HRT and quickly went to 80% of who I once was. Fine tuning has gotten me to about 95% and I'm happy with that.

If she doesn't/can't do HRT, strap in. It's a tough ride, mostly for her but you'll likely get hit with shrapnel. Maybe start therapy to help with your existing issues and to smooth the way during this brutal transition.

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_Rebel_Scum_77@reddit

Well being self-aware is a good start. Perimenopause 54-year-old here. Be patient. She knows her body better than you think you do. Even if she's raging or crying. Don't offer remedies. Read up on perimenopause. Read up on symptoms and just be there for her and when she talks about good things or bad things just nod your head and agree or smile or say that sucks or that's great. Don't offer suggestions unless she asks for it. She's in control. Let her drive the bus. You're in the passenger seat. So you're the passenger princess for perimenopause and menopause. You got this, my guy. Stay hydrated.

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RCA2CE@reddit

This started out so nice, then it got weird and you actually managed to make it about you. I'm like, ok whoa he really does do that.

I think sometimes my wife and I struggle with just being contrarian for no reason, like you're in some fight but you're not. I saw a movie recently and the character said to his wife, I was unhappy IN our marriage but I wasn't unhappy WITH our marriage and that really stuck to me... I was like, that makes so much sense, I can have bad days and bad moments and it isn't about my wife at all.. So now instead of giving my wife shit when she asks for me to do something or even when she sort of pushes the envelope on asking for too much, I start with Yes sure let me get that, instead of trying to decipher it or argue it. If I can do it, I just say sure and do it. I realized that we just have to be nice to each other no matter what all else is going on. Im not sure this answers you at all, it just made me think of this.. I think that, I think you can be nice/kind whenever you're able to be.

I also cede the point about being right all the time, I mean I am right all the time but I don't tell her anymore.

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TorrEEG@reddit

My husband stays calm when I am not. He's also doing more around the house. I appreciate both things.

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Jowlyface@reddit

Well my dude, it will get tough sometimes, honestly. My wife was so filled with out of nowhere rage, that she was looking to start arguments. Dumb arguments are going to happen.

Get her a bunch of hand fans, and keep one for yourself so you can fan her when she’s suddenly melting.

Do your share or more of the housework.

Cook her meals and be the idea person. Not “what do you want for dinner?”, but “Italian or Mexican”.

Lastly, know that this too shall pass.

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digital_mystic23@reddit

I can’t do nothing and I try to make the best out of it when she feel ok. But when she feels bad she does everything to me to get under my skin. It’s the most horrible phase of my life. I hope she has mild symptoms.

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R0CK1TMAN1@reddit

I’m sorry you are having to endure her menopause.

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Techchick_Somewhere@reddit

I would support her in seeing someone to talk about options for treating some of her symptoms. HRT is a lifesaver and she might really bounce back with it. She absolutely doesn’t need to suffer.

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SassholeSupreme1@reddit

Oh, yes! My husband said that once I started on the HRT pellets he would make sure we always had the budget for them. It’s improved everything for me from mood to sex & even some health issues.

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am312@reddit

Yes! There are many options to consider and she may end up choosing nothing in the end but she should explore everything before making a decision. Women who act like there's some badge of honor because they unnecessarily felt the need to suffer are just weird.

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Forsaken-Repeat-7657@reddit

I love that you’re concerned. Good husband {pat pat}

The only thing that drives me crazy is if I mention a symptom and he says “oh maybe it’s stress” (which I can’t control) or “maybe it’s xyz” (some obvious thing like take a Tylenol). The best thing for me is when he’s empathetic and asks how he can help.

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slipperytornado@reddit

Read some books. The New Menopause, The Menopause Manifesto, Estrogen Matters. And you yourself and your wife a favor and read Come As You Are.

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BiscottiKey88@reddit

Thanks for caring! r/menopause has a lot excellent wiki on perimenopause and menopause including symptoms, HRT, etc. You're a good partner!

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Inside-Wear5683@reddit

I wash more dishes now and cook all the meals. Taking things off my wife's plate was what I was able to do.

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AppointmentMountain8@reddit

My husband did all of his research online. You are a great husband for considering the changes this will have in her. 💚💚💚

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Electronic_City6481@reddit

You REALLY have to lean into the ‘it’s not about me’. At least that’s what I’ve found (perimenopause). It’s difficult, no question. Make sure she sees a doctor to assess if there are plans for her particular symptoms. My wife had a few typical things going on and some are seemingly so far helped with approach to her hormones.

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marge7777@reddit

Encourage her to see her dr for a full hormone assessment. HRT was the best decision I could make.

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renegade7717@reddit

absolutely the best route for my wife. She sleeps like a baby- cleared her brain fog and libido came back. Life changing for her

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Techchick_Somewhere@reddit

Same.

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Ambitious_Unit1310@reddit

Buy a cold blanket

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GreyPerspectives@reddit

Look up perimenopause!!

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Rogue_Apostle@reddit

Becoming a random sweaty mess throughout the day makes me feel completely disgusting. It's good to know my husband isn't repulsed by me as a result. Let her know that you still love her and find her attractive, despite the weird things her body is doing.

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Responsible_Jump_669@reddit

Whatever is her love language: keep the food she likes, make sure she takes time for self care, do fun things together that have zero emotional load like going to a movie. Practice patience. Tell her you see her struggling and while you don’t know exactly what she’s going through, you’re going your best to understand. Take time for yourself. Take care of yourself. Shore up social supports because menopause will be hard on both of you.

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MicheleRSimon@reddit

Gee maybe ask her? Just stay attuned to her needs as you should always be.

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MrsQute@reddit

Patience my dude. Seriously.

I have always been so even-keeled emotionally throughout my life, even with PMS, but perimenopause makes me so fucking irritable. I want to throttle people for existing.

If she needs space or quiet, understand that it's not you specifically she's wanting away from but everything.

As estrogen drop, the desire to take care of others also drops. It's not a conscious decision. But the fuck-it-all-ness is real.

Hot flashes suck but there's not much you can do except move away and give space and don't question why she's standing outside in the cold in a T-shirt and shorts.

Hormones shifting means weight is shifting, hair texture changes, skin changes. Don't be critical of her appearance in relation to how she used to look. She knows. She's trying to figure it out.

And my personal pet peeve - don't justify/comment/explain things away as "going through the change". We're at the mercy of our bodies and don't need to hear the commentary.

I have to remember you're more sensitive since you're going through the change. Just shut the fuck up and keep it to yourself.

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MK-LivingToLearn@reddit

Believe her. She may be go through a host of wild symptoms that affect her in many different ways. If she tells you how something is affecting her, believe her. The caveat to that is that she may get emotional, angry, upset, etc... and might become overreactive. Don't take that personally as she might be dealing with other things that boil over.

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Oldman_Dick@reddit

My wife got one of the ...insert things. Not sure the name of them. So far, it's curbed her symptoms quite well. She still gets some hot flashes, but we haven't noticed much else.

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mjskiingcat@reddit

Can you mention this to my husband???

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islanddiver76@reddit

My wife is in perimenopause, and I commend you for your desire to be the best support to your wife that you can be. There are a lot of ways she’ll need support and encouragement but one of the biggest struggles for my wife is doctors not believing her and / or not understanding her body. So I’d recommend being as much of an advocate for her in that regard.

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Sea_Staff9963@reddit

Have a space where you can each go to be alone.

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Ok-Heart375@reddit

r/menopause

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Embarrassed_Cat2697@reddit

Try not to take it personally when her libido crashes.

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Haunting-Breadfruit9@reddit

Understand that lots of things are changing at once. Emotionally she may have ups and downs, forgetfulness, feel unable to cope with things she normally could cope with fine, lose confidence, feel low. Physically she may get lots of aches and pains, feel tired, put on weight, struggle to sleep, have hot flushes, feel restless at night. Alcohol may trigger some of these. Encourage her to speak to her doctor as hrt may help a lot. It’s absolutely astonishing what impact hormones have.

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