ULPT: Help me get through my divorce and leave some distruction after
Posted by bobby2175@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 86 comments
I’m nearing the end of a brutal divorce where I’ve been on the wrong side of almost everything with barely any leverage. By the time it’s over, I’ll have paid over $1.2M. In the early years, I slept in a friend’s sunroom with my kids because I couldn’t afford anything else and my business fell apart. Just when I got back on my feet and stabilized financially, she took me back to court and got more money from me. When she tried again last year, it blew up in her face with the court finally showing their frustration with her.
I’m still driving an old beater with 220,000 miles on it while she has two brand‑new vehicles worth over $115,000 and a 1/2 million dollar house. Through all of it, I never gave up (although I came close a few times) and I’ve kept a great relationship with my kids. Now that the end is close, I need to protect my finances, save for retirement, and stop being on the losing end.
Today pushed me over the edge again. I told her I was going to take the kids on vacation over the Fourth of July (my day), and she informed me she’d already be out of town and had already booked flights and hotels and I wouldn’t be able to have them that day.
I'm here because I've played everything by the book and that has not helped me at all. I’m looking for some good ways to level the playing field when I finally have some leverage, I don't have to pay her $3,000/mo, and put an end to this sense of entitlement. Because our contact info is still a little intertwined, I got a text that I shouldn't have and found out her credit score is in the 500s and she was trying to get a cash out mortgage refinance recently. How do I help her find the bottom that I was in for so long and not allow her to use the kids to get more money from in the future?
JustFukk0ff@reddit
You don't want to cause your e. Wife a bunch of misery or financial hardship because she is your children's mother and they have to live with her. If she's miserable or broke or stressed your kids are stuck with a stressed parent who may act out in ways you won't want for your kids for example she settles down with an asshole because she needs a partner to help out - she's less picky and your kids now live with an asshole and their life is miserable and destroyed.
ironworkerlocal577@reddit
Going thru that now, i think about what you thought about every day and twice at night. If I'm still around let me know what you do.
ndurtschi@reddit
Just want to make sure you’re not talking about hurt in yourself. Not worth it man. You will eventually feel better. There are some great meds out there that can be really helpful if you feel like you’re losing control.
ironworkerlocal577@reddit
I'm good and like those in your post who supported you, I thank you and the others.
ideapit@reddit
She wants to matter.
She doesn't.
Don't give her what she wants.
sirspacebill@reddit
The most hurtful thing you can do is forget your ex even exists
bngFXG3MDuau@reddit
Hard to do when you see them every time you drop the kids off
Hellafied@reddit
Agree to disagree..
asicarii@reddit
Depends on the x. Works great for my controlling narcissist x. It drives her more crazy and has had serious paranoid delusions to the point she lied in court and I had documentation to prove it.
As for kids, I just don’t discuss the x. That’s unfair to the kids . They will figure stuff out and can ask questions if they want to when older. It’s not my place to response them.
bobby2175@reddit (OP)
Thank you so much! I can't even tell you how much I needed this!
elizajaneredux@reddit
Sometimes I’ve been annoyed that the “unethical” part of the “life pro tips” gets forgotten in this sub, but more and more I’m appreciating that even in a sub that is aimed at helping people to act unethically for personal advantage, many of us revert to trying to do (or at least recommend) the higher path.
OP, you’ve had beautiful advice here. Stay strong.
Unique-League2742@reddit
Remember when you accused me of doing something I wasn’t? That was unethical.
N0Z4A2@reddit
Forgive her internally and forget her internally and externally, your freedom and happiness is your revenge and your reward.
SweetGirl777@reddit
It sounds like the trash took itself out!
No-Fig-8614@reddit
All the advice is amazing and sound but not unethical. If you want unethical you should have information, like where she lives, her SSN etc. you could do a lot of things.
Use a VPN, use an untraceable email that resembles hers with a letter off…. You could easily open up more credit cards sent to her house, you don’t use them or anything, you just open them up especially ones that require a minimum yearly fee. You don’t use them, or touch them. You just get them sent to her house and who knows maybe she opens them and uses them or she doesn’t but they were delivered to her house and those minimum fees can quickly add up….. you dont touch a dime of them but you let those credit cards which require a fee, do their own work.
bobby2175@reddit (OP)
Thanks so much for actually responding with an ULPT! This is exactly what I came here for and was ready to do something.
But with all of the responses, I've realized how stupid I just am and need to chill a little bit and make it through while still holding my integrity.
I'm going to have to come up with another scenario so I can test my unethicalness, but maybe not with the kids in the middle.
Thank you for taking the time to respond.
Pleasant-Minute6066@reddit
I hope shit smooths out for you pal
Bright_Plastic2298@reddit
Do everything you can to have a great enduring relationship with your kids well into their adulthood. Thats it. Most important thing in the world.
Law_hacker_1000@reddit
Life pro tip - if you are a man living in USA just dont get married to a woman with USA citizenship.
Life is better this way.
tagtech414@reddit
I don't have any advice, but I feel you. I have a similar ex that did absolutely anything and everything to make my life hell. I plan on taking them on vacation? Nah, she claims that week anyway. Their birthday falls on my weekend? Nah, she plans a birthday party for them even though it's clearly not her weekend so I'm the dick if I make her cancel their party. Court order says she picks them up from my house? Nah, drop them off or it's my fault they don't go to school tomorrow. Court order says I claim one child on tax return? Nah, she claims both because she feels she's entitled to all the money. That's just TIP of the iceberg. The worst part - no matter how much I follow the court agreement and she goes against it, I would have to pay thousands to a lawyer to even hope a judge will listen. The system is so insanely broken.
That said, my kids (twins) are 18 and about to graduate high school. I am exactly 35 days away from being done with 15.5 YEARS of this. I just know she's going to try something to make me keep paying child support. I don't know what, but I know she's going to try. Hopefully she finally doesn't get her way and I can use that money to actually support my kids instead of her lifestyle.
Godspeed.
Follow_youre_heart@reddit
Coming from a guy who got absolutely slaughtered in my divorce:
Keep your head up and don't stoop to her level. Years from.now when you look back, you'll be glad you took the high road.
My ex went full on pathological and accused me of everything under the sun. The mudslingng was real and she essentially weaponized the divorce and used it as her final way to hurt me. She ignored court orders, denied visitation repeatedly, went into hiding, evaded service, turned both kids against me, cut off communication, and so much more. Lied about everything. It was heinous.
I'm a pretty clever guy and if I'm feeling naughty, I could come up with a whole slew of ways to mess with someone.
But I didn't. Her behavior was so vile, painful, and despicable that I decided very early on I wouldn't be acting like that. I would have been so disappointed in myself!
She turned the divorce into a warzone and I turned into Gandhi. And it sucked for a long time. The damage was immense and the pain nearly caused me to quit on everything, forever. I had to do a lot of work, therapy of many types, and letting go to get back into a healthy place. But I did it.
So you might be asking yourself, why did you take that high road, it sounds like hell
Even with all the damage and pain and sadness, the one thing I could control was myself. I didn't compromise who I am. I didn't lie about anything, I didn't play games. I can live the rest of my life knowing that I'm a stand-up guy even in the face of an all-out pathological attack. I didn't lose myself.
Whatever vengeance you're seeking certainly won't be worth the tradeoff of knowing you played dirty. And your kids will pick up on itand you'll have to deal with that too. Keeping your integrity is incredibly valuable both for you and your kids.
I know it's hard when you see how lopsided things get but try and stay chill and take things day by day. Slowly rebuild your life. Things will get better.
Shafpocalypse@reddit
This is the way, man. This is the way. Walk the righteous path
brainhack3r@reddit
> My ex went full on pathological and accused me of everything under the sun. The mudslingng was real and she essentially weaponized the divorce and used it as her final way to hurt me. She ignored court orders, denied visitation repeatedly, went into hiding, evaded service, turned both kids against me, cut off communication, and so much more. Lied about everything. It was heinous.
This is why you have to apply for sole custody.
Thank god I don't have kids though.
bobby2175@reddit (OP)
Thank you for taking the time to respond with so much detail. I know it takes a ton of time and something you didn't have to do. Reading your comment was the one that was most impactful because it is my life. She totally weaponized the divorce and took advantage of everything possible. I've mostly taken the high road and have always wondered if it may have been different if I didn't. I often question whether the kids will ever see how hard it was on me.
But you are 100% right. I'll make this. I'm already able to see the end. I just have to keep being who I am.
Really appreciate you responding. It really made a difference!
Follow_youre_heart@reddit
Aww thank you for the kind words, OP. I know it's tough and when you're in the thick of it, it can feel like nobody understands what you're going through. Like you're just out there getting your ass kicked in slow motion in front of everyone and they're just like, oh well 🤷♂️ not super fun.
Anyways I'm glad I could share with you - there are tons of guys like us out there who have gone through a similar thing.
Totally don't have to if you don't want, but you can DM me if you want. I ended up stumbling onto an activity that really helped me get through the feelings and in a healthy way - it's way cheaper than a therapist and for me, way more effective.
beetgod@reddit
Love these responses
tj15241@reddit
Did read all of the comments, but i’ll add my $.02 and personal experience. The reason divorce is so expensive is because ITS WORTH IT!!
Gold-Acanthisitta545@reddit
You need a decoy chick. Whether she's real or not, doesn't matter, but a chick that goes with you to pick ups and drop offs, all the events, etc. And post that shit all over social media. Fix the profile pic with a decoy chic in the pic, then go to all her bestie's pages so the algorithm will send your "people you may know" to their page and get them all talking.
She will be furious! The chick needs to either be hot as fuck or ugly as shit, but nothing on her exact level. She will 100% blow her stack and lose her shit. The only reason she's doing this is because she thinks you got no balls and she's walking all over you. Get another chick (decoy) and let her run with it, cause she may end up causing a scene and losing it all over some fake ass profile pics.
ConcentratePretend93@reddit
" I told her I was taking the kids on vacation "
What? Did you have those days scheduled as your custodial days with the courts? Did she plan a trip on your days without discussing with it you 1st? That would make me mad enough to go to court and block it.
bobby2175@reddit (OP)
I was letting her know I was taking the kids on vacation per how the agreement requires. She planned a trip that went over her days and into mine and never discussed it with me.
The courts don't care and truthfully, they have much bigger things to deal with than just this small issue in the grand scheme of things. She'll just come out and say like she always does - that she booked the flights and hotels and that she can't get her money back and she tells the court that she'll give up another day instead. The court immediately folds and it's up to me to accept this fair deal. It just sucks when you have plans for the fourth of July fireworks in DC - the day another time makes no difference.
Sugarman111@reddit
You need to file for a court order enforcement ASAP.
bobby2175@reddit (OP)
I've tried this before and what I've found is that the court really doesn't care. They just try to mediate and when she offered to give me another day, they fold. This is probably the 3rd or 4th time she's done this and when I've gone to friend of the court, they just try to mediate instead of taking my side when clearly she's in violation of the agreement.
Gold-Acanthisitta545@reddit
Quit telling her your plans. I promise you, she never booked anything until you said something.
ConcentratePretend93@reddit
You need to work the solution into the meditated agreement that is recorded in the courts and have all of your communications thru a court recognized app.
Ex: any day a parent takes a child overnight that is scheduled with the other parent without written consent, there is a 500 dollar penalty per diem. If you have an agreement without a consequence directly written onto it, there is no reason to follow it. It seemed like the courts were favoring the ex, but once we were advised by a friend who went through the same BS, to negotiate this way, the ah parent was exposed. Could not follow basic agreements and eventually lost custody.
Sugarman111@reddit
Fair enough. Maybe do it back. Fire with fire and all that.
I'm in the UK and went through something similar and the court took it very seriously when I applied for an enforcement. Sorry to hear your courts let you down ☹️
scubahana@reddit
This was my thought. I would figure there are few places where you require a flight without leaving the state, and that might require permission from both parents.
But otherwise don’t go low in this situation, because it’s your kids you will be hurting the most in the end.
bobby2175@reddit (OP)
Thank you for responding.
After reading everybody's comments, I'm going to take the high road and get through this!
scubahana@reddit
If there were no kids in the equation, then I would be onboard with you blowing this up (since we are in ULPT after all), but I draw the line at kids being affected.
Healthy_Corgi5277@reddit
I needed to see this today, thank you. Wishing all of the shitty exes in the world the worst.
rtmfb@reddit
Piss disk
_Raymond_Reddington_@reddit
Please when you get your girls again, explain that what's happening, is never and will never be their fault. Its an adult problem, and that whatever they do, you will support and back them 1000%... And when they fall, you'll be there to pick them up and help them get their feet again.
Warm_Astronomer_9305@reddit
If her credit is that bad and she had to weaponise the courts to get her way, she doesn’t have the foundation it takes to continue to live a stable life, and she was clearly taking you back to court because she ran out of money. Karma is already doing its job as time is going by. The best thing to do in this case to win the long game is to give her enough rope to hang herself which is what is already happening, and the long game is that her kids will see the dad who is stable and the mum who pissed everything away. You win in the end.
bobby2175@reddit (OP)
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond and really making me think about my own stupidity. The last thing I want to do is to lose the respect of my kids. I'm really sorry you had to go through this.
You've truly helped me grow as a person and I'll stay on the high ground like I should have always been!
Warm_Astronomer_9305@reddit
You’re a good dad. Mine dodged the child support at every turn and he called our mum mentally ill and punished us for keeping in contact with her via messaging while we were with him, we were encouraged to bad mouth her. Then at hers, she would tell us in great detail why their relationship broke down and we had to manage her feelings and feel sorry for her. There was no safe adult, because they were so focused on their own grievances and ultimately I ended up in the care of my grandmother and then moved out having had little to no parenting from the divorce onwards.
The fact that your replies are so self reflective given you are talking to strangers and have every right really to be defensive, lot of props to you. So happy parents like you exist.
bobby2175@reddit (OP)
I really am sorry for everything you've gone through. I can't even imagine the pain and suffering you went through. It says a lot about how strong you are to have willed yourself through some very difficult times. You sound like an amazing person!
After reading your response, I completely broke down in tears. Here I am laying in bed on a pillow completely drenched with my tears. and I can't even stop as I'm typing this. I've tried so hard over the years to be a good dad to my 3 girls and it never feels that way. It always seems like they gravitate the other way but my time with them is always amazing. I actually think it's more in my head. To actually hear someone say it, really got me. Thank you so much.
I hope you've found peace with everything. You are a great person and truly beat the odds from where you came from! Mad respect!
Opposite-Shower1190@reddit
You have a great relationship with your children. You won. That’s what truly matters. If you want to really piss her off start dating again. Be honest though. Put it in your profile you want to meet and hang out with women. Take them to places and restaurants that your ex’s friends and family go to.
Warm_Astronomer_9305@reddit
I’m not sure how old your girls are, but they 100% know how much you love and care for them. Whether they’re still children or maybe they’re in that interim between child and teen, it’s so difficult to express that under the layers and layers of hormones and strange new social hierarchies, their brains just need a while to play catch up haha. It’s completely normal for parents to feel as though it’ll never come back around but it always does, so long as you stay showing up and riding the wave.
They’re probably working through lots of emotions about the divorce and it does take a long long time to come to terms with the fact that you won’t ever be that nuclear family with your mum and dad, and you have to grieve it which is difficult when you’re still figuring the world out, but they’ll get there. If they’ve got a dad who sticks around and cares enough to be crying on his pillow, they’re gonna be alright and so are you.
Ok-Version-6240@reddit
anything you do in retaliation will be observed and internalized by the kids as well. remember that the reason you divorced was to model to your children that its ok and actually the mature choice to break off anything that isnt working, including marriage. remember that strong emotions and actions like revenge and pettiness shown to people that you were previously close with destabilizes their entire relational framework and will be something they'll have to decode and navigate later. coming from a child of divorced parents, leave her alone. no matter how much you want to punish her. good luck.
cbelt3@reddit
This. Your children will hate you and the damage to them and their future will be massive.
OilheadRider@reddit
Absolutely agree. My father dragged my mother though mud with my impressionable mind as well as though the courts. My mother never trash talked him (to or near me) or got vindictive.
Im in my 40's now. I havent talked to my father in 10 years. Not because of what he said and the wedge he tried to form between my mother and I. Because of who he is, which was exemplified by his actions then and proven time and time again after I became an adult.
Be the better man for you children.
bobby2175@reddit (OP)
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I hope the kids see this one day even though it doesn't feel that way all the time. Have learned so much from your comment!
OilheadRider@reddit
Love your children, fellow human. Thank you for taking you time to reach out to the world.
bobby2175@reddit (OP)
Thank you so much for your perspective especially as a child of divorced parents. This is what I needed to hear. I've always put the kids first and looked the other way. I can do this!
screwingates@reddit
Yes you can my brother. I, and many others, are here for this. Good luck man!
Vegaprime@reddit
My story sounds a lot like yours. My ex got the house and everything in it but I got split custody and full of one, the oldest. That last bit sent her over the edge and she spent the rest of the the kids childhood scheming and poisoning the water well to the detriment of the kids and her relationship with them. I ended up with full custody of almost all of them as they age up to be able to choose. Unfortunately though as adults the stable home they once knew isn't as fun as the party mom. So looking back...
Send them home in dirty cloths with dirty cloths. All needing a bath. All hungry. Hopped up on sugar. Let them stay up late, sleep in. That homework? It can wait for moms days. Big project due at school. Even better. Book fees and field trip money? You get the point. Let them stay the night with anyone and everyone, no vetting. Boyfriend, girlfriend want to come over, why not theres no curfew even. Midnight and they need a ride home? They can just sleep over. They want or ask for anything? "Well only if you mom paid me more child support..".
It was hell every chance she had to make it that way. This is the only tip here that made me feel dirty, user discretion advised.
la_winky@reddit
Maybe you need a new lawyer?
brainhack3r@reddit
I think the BEST thing you could do, in terms of you and your kids, is to build a force field to keep her out.
Make sure you know your rights regarding custody, hold her to the letter of the law, and don't contact her.
skate1243@reddit
Put your kids above your desire for revenge
brainhack3r@reddit
This doesn't always work with a vindictive ex-wife.
It happened to me and my mom did it to my dad too.
I didn't realize how bad my mom was to my dad until she died. She was viscious.
My ex was worse though. Luckily I didn't get married to her but she came after me and said I sexually assaulted her (which I obviously didn't do) and I had to pay settle for $75k. That's after of paying for a YEAR for her to re-settle - which she didn't do.
Don't just assume you can take the high road.
I'm certain men can be the same way - but I don't date men so I have no stories for you here.
masterhvacr@reddit
This is the best and only answer. The sooner you stop thinking about her, the happier and better your life will become.
Borgmeister@reddit
Dude has considered that perhaps. What he is seeking is a firing solution though and it would be more interesting for the thread to provide that than platitudes like this. What you've said isn't wrong - it is right. But it hasn't answered the question - this sub is about unethical, not ethical tips.
bobby2175@reddit (OP)
You're exactly right and why I came here! Unbelievable how my reddit fam saved me again!
Forgottengoldfishes@reddit
Kids are involved and that makes a huge difference.
bobby2175@reddit (OP)
Thank you so much! You are definitely right. I've looked the other way this long. I can make it through the rest. Thanks so much!
frederichenrylt@reddit
I am a HS teacher. The best thing you can do to destroy her is consistently showing up to support your kids. Soccer game? BET. Spring musical? You're there. Curriculum Night? Never miss it! No matter what she says or does, your kids will always remember that you were there.
Somethingclever1313@reddit
Focus on being a good dad, sounds like you’re there already. She’ll get hers eventually. Focus on yourself and your kids. Be happy. Don’t give up man. It sucks, I’ve been there. You can do this.
Popular-Drummer-7989@reddit
Guy, you have kids. The money you pay isn't to "her" for "her" lifestyle. It's for your kids. STOP complaining its for "her" because IT'S NOT.
Destruction is of each of your own doing. "Punishing her" makes you the AH in your kids lives for the rest of THEIR lives. So STOP the pity party and do this:
Focus on the reality that the money may not be being spent "on the kids".
Your lawyer sucks. They're playing your emotions. Fire them if they haven't even once talked about getting an accounting of where the money is being spent.
Show me the 529 plan balances for kids education. Can't? Why not?
Show me the medical expenses for the last 5 years? None? Huh.
Your job is to make sure your kids get what they need to succeed.
Quit focusing on the wrong thing.
sugarface2134@reddit
The best revenge is a life well lived. You’re spending so much energy focusing on her and how to drag her down when you could instead use that energy on yourself. Imagine how far you’d get if you spent it on your own life rather than hers? Hasn’t she taken enough?
As for the vacation, that really does stink but don’t you have a visitation plan? Tell the judge if she’s violating it and if she isn’t then just plan your trip for a different time because it’s all you can do.
One more thing: happy, content people are just that. If someone is mean spirited you can be sure they are not happy inside. We do not take it personally, we feel sorry for them and continue to work on our own contentment.
The_dura_mater@reddit
Sooooo this is AI, right?
Muufffins@reddit
Fuck her dad.
wordscollector@reddit
And her babysitter
sexwiththebabysitter@reddit
I agree
lucid_intent@reddit
And her mom.
ricodap@reddit
And her boyfriend.
HoesLoveMe209@reddit
Stash drugs in her car and anonymously report her.
Transfer the deed to the house like scammers do.
bobby2175@reddit (OP)
Thanks so much for taking the time to respond. I will do exactly like you've said! It's who I am anyways. I'm in ULPT and I'm finding that you all are really just like me after all!
For a moment we can all laugh at my expense - I'm not even sure where to get drugs anyways!
drezdogge@reddit
Don't punish her... be the best dad and let her stew in your happiness
bobby2175@reddit (OP)
Thank you for responding! This is what I will do. I have noticed that any of my successes - especially as it relates to the kids has always gotten under her skin. I've learned so much in this thread. Thank you!
Forgottengoldfishes@reddit
The better she does, the better your kids do. And your kids have enough things to deal with considering their parents hate each other and at least one of them is fantasizing on how to get revenge on the other.
Just use a piss disc and call it a day. Or live your life as being THE parent your kids want to be like.
bobby2175@reddit (OP)
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I have a very different perspective than what I came here with and will find my way through without doing something stupid!
Interesting-Cause613@reddit
Divorced twice. One child each marriage. Kept it clean on my end. I did break down and cry a few times in front of both. Their mothers did not. They had beds to jump into. My relationship with both my adult children is great! Theirs with their moms, not so much. Don’t do it. The end game is your kids respect and love! Never ever mess with that! You will win! Good luck!
bobby2175@reddit (OP)
Thank you so much! It doesn't always feel like this and I wonder sometimes if they will ever see my reality. I mostly don't say anything to them about what's actually going on and have just taken the high road. You've given me a different perspective and I will see this through the right way. Appreciate you responding!
reheateddiarrhea@reddit
Love yourself and be happy. If she is a bad person it will make her jealous and angry. If she is a good person she will be happy for you. This is good for your children as your relationship with their mother will affect their mental health and the way that they view relationships throughout their lives.
You are nearly free. Your happiness and success is the best way to show that you are completely over the her and don't care. Plus, don't you want to be happy?
I'm aware that this is not unethical, but sometimes the actual, best solution to a problem is ethical. Also, your kids are involved in this. C'mon dude.
bobby2175@reddit (OP)
Thank you for responding. I need to dig deeper. I've made it this far. I can get through the rest. You are absolutely right. I am already a normally happy, high integrity person. I shouldn't compromise any of that for this reason. Thank you so much for giving me a different perspective.
Cool_Interaction_345@reddit
1/2 million dollar house is $500k which is actually a super affordable even bargain house in California. Your rhetoric makes me think there are two sides to this story. Idk if I like a man who wants to hurt his kids mom. I’d just want to leave period. The best way to cause the most destruction after this is all over is to get full custody and block all her numbers. Move on. You don’t need to end up in jail over revenge.
bobby2175@reddit (OP)
Thanks so much for responding. This was the first comment I saw and really made me think differently!