Primary school teachers - how do you emotionally handle pupils who you know never had a chance?

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Revolutionary_Pierre@reddit

I was abused (quite badly) as a child and because my parents were terrible, most of the teachers didn't want to know me. It's harsh they couldn't separate me from my parents. But there was one teacher who particularly didn't like me. As an overreacting punishment, he stopped me going outside for break for like a year or so. So learned from books, science, dictionaries, writing etc. what I gained from reading ever book they had was so much about the world and an insatiable hunger to learn more and see it. This year I'm going to my 100th country on the hard earned money I paid from publishing books, being educated and smart. What that bad teacher gave me was, for 15 and 30 minutes a day, was a place to decompress from my ADHD and recharge my social battery by learning new things like a sponge .

In high school I had an amazing English teacher who'd support me with my GCSES and I got the highest English grade in the class, even though I couldn't sit still very well. She taught me patience, resilience and self respect. She was nicer than my primary school teacher. But the results were both positive .

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Ana_Phases@reddit

You’re extra nice to them.

Heaps of praise

Put them forward for trips and awards. See if any disadvantaged funding applies.

Make sure they are fed/have snacks, especially at holiday times.

Give them stationary so they don’t get in trouble

Check ins every day

Be a safe adult. Not soft on them but firm and forgiving.

Be open if they want to talk to you about friendships or just generally the world around them.

Praise them if they achieve anything outside of school

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nomotivationgf@reddit

Is this how I realise that I was one of those children? I had a particular teacher that would help make sure I had school shoes, a snack for the walk home and had me visit her on my lunch everyday to talk about books or music or whatever. She even managed to get me on a residential trip to Belgium for a week and it really helped set my life on a different path.

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Ana_Phases@reddit

Yes, Chuck. Sorry about that.

She sounds lovely!

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nomotivationgf@reddit

She really was amazing! I've just googled her and she still works at my old school. I didn't realise it was so obvious (apart from the whole shoe thing) but I'm so grateful that she cared. Do you think she might like it if I wrote to her to thank her?

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lonelyhour65@reddit

Tell her! It will make her year and reaffirm her career choice. I would feel so grateful if I was told this by a former student, knowing my practise made a lasting impact. x

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leftmysoulthere74@reddit

I know a few teachers and I said to one of them once that I don’t know how they do it. She said it’s hard, particularly the school she was at around that time and a lot of her colleagues were quitting, but she had recently had a previously disruptive and disengaged pupil do well in his exams and he made a point of going to her to thank her. She said if she got just one kid per year to turn things around like that then it’s all worth it. That kept her going.

You should contact your teacher.

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fingertipnipples@reddit

Not who you asked but I can't see any reason she wouldn't love that. I would imagine it would make her year.

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RhiR2020@reddit

Am a teacher. Can absolutely confirm that a note like this would be treasured xxxx

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Instructions_unclea@reddit

I’m certain that she would be delighted if you wrote her that note!

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Final_Board9315@reddit

I left teaching after 5 years in a really deprived area. I was in my 20s and the heartbreak was awful- I realised I couldn’t hold it long term. Some things I remember specifically:

morning hair club for the girls- but really only for one girl who was bouncing around foster homes and needed someone to do her hair each morning because she was a perfectionist
lunch times they were allowed to nap in the book corner in my classroom
listening to a 7 year old tell me how to forge bank notes and how to mug people using a bike
uniform spares in the cupboard at all times, as well as snacks. 9pm Asda runs for a bloody world book day costume or two.
giving out basics such as stationary, lunch boxes and water bottles as prizes to help them hide the obvious poverty from classmates
being told that I couldn’t just foster the aforementioned child two weeks before the christmas hols started, when she was about to bounced to yet another carer.
that one boy in foster care’s placement fell through and they moved him to a different area, so I will never know what happened to him.
said boy telling me how his mum was pregnant again, then the next months hearing how his parents stopped showing up to contact sessions.
the stench of weed on certain people’s school bags

It was brutal, and once I’ve grown my babies up enough I want to be a foster carer.

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foxholes333@reddit

Just give them as much love as we can in the time that they’re with us and hope for the best. It’s heartbreaking.

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skeletonclock@reddit

"Just give them as much love as we can in the time that they’re with us and hope for the best. It’s heartbreaking."

I run a cat rescue and didn't know how much I needed to read this today, after burying the ashes of a kitten I tried incredibly hard to save and loved with all my heart. You put it perfectly. Thank you.

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foxholes333@reddit

I’m so sorry. For the time that you were with that kitten they will have known nothing but love. You made a difference

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skeletonclock@reddit

❤️ thank you

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Illustrious-Milk6518@reddit

My ex was horribly abused, and he talked about his ex teacher from primary school a lot. She bought him an art book, and spent a lot of time with him trying to encourage it because he’s good at art. That was something which has stuck with him forever. So I guess any kind of positive encouragement from teachers at that age can have a lasting impact

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Dependent_One6034@reddit

I think we all remember. I had good and bad teachers. I remember the teachers that were the best, and the worst.

We didn't get diagnosed with issues back in the day, most would just be "good kid, bad kid" but I remember. I was the bad kid during middle school, I wasn't mean, but I was somewhat disruptive. I got a lunch time detention because I didn't write a story. They sat me infront of our tadpole tank to write the story during lunch. Did I write the story? No. I was looking at the tadpoles. My teacher noticed. So she took me aside again, then asked me to write about the tadpoles. And she got the longest essay.

Fortunately, this school noticed. And they spoke with my mum about what I liked. So, they would have me read and write about things I was into. (oh yea, they also didn't think I could read, at all.) So the school basically gave me pirate books to read, they would then get me to do my oral reading from these. Apparently they were shocked, and I went from a 5 year olds reading ability to a 16 year olds at a very young age.

This school was great. Just want people to know - kids can often read, but if it's something they aren't interested in, they might just refuse to read it.

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toad__warrior@reddit

I wasn't abused, but definitely had ADHD as a kid. Roll back to 1968 and I started elementary school. No one knew about ADHD per se. I was a smart kid who did meh in school. My handwriting in particular was horrendous.

In third grade I had a teacher who was new at the school. She took the time to work with me and met with my parents on a regular basis concerning my struggles. I still was a meh student, but I had confidence that I could do better.

A few years ago I found my report card from third grade. I spent a decent amount of time looking for my teacher. She was a new college graduate when she taught me, so that meant she was in her mid 70s.

I found her and sent her an email thanking her for helping me when no one else would. About a week later she replied and said she remembered me and was happy that I had succeeded in life and had a great family.

I will be eternally thankful for what she did.

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RhiR2020@reddit

And that sort of contact will warm her heart forever. You’re a good egg xxxx

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AndrewsMother@reddit

Agree! Just give them a chance. Help the be successful at small things. Whatever give them a little pride in themselves.

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Inevitable_Thing_270@reddit

I’m a paediatrician and I’ve kind of got a similar view to the cases I struggle with emotionally.

In particular the child protection stuff, when a kid’s been/being abused. I feel really helpless. I talked with a consultant who specialises in child protection. She did that she understands, but she views it that she knows she can’t solve the problem, but she can add her contribution to it all to the best of her ability while she’s involved, and that has an impact of the situation, and she can leave work knowing she did right by the kid.

And that’s what I do, you just deal with the bit you can influence to the best you can (without it being detrimental to you because that means you can’t help the next one). You know you’ve done what you can, and every little bit adds up.

So if you can have an impact for the time your with them, then you do it to the best you can.

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eerst@reddit

I've never thought about the doctors who treat abused and neglected children. It can't be easy.

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throw_away_17381@reddit

This is why I could never teach. I would spend future years just looking up each kid to see how they're turning out. I can imagine it being so heart breaking.

Is it common to come across neglected kids? From the extreme to what OP mentioned.

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Ana_Phases@reddit

Yeah. More common than you want to believe. Affluent neglect is quite common. Kids have a lot of nice clothes and holidays, but their adults don’t parent them. See the neurotypical children that can’t dress or toilet by school age. And the kids that have no books or exposure to reading at home.

Ever watched Mary Poppins? The bit where the children ask if Mary loves them and she says something like “I care about you but I can’t love every child I look after”. It’s kinda like that. Sometimes I’ll think about a particular child and hope/pray/put out to the universe that I hope that they are okay, but I’d have a nervous breakdown if I truly thought about each child’s life path that deeply.

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AHGoogle@reddit

Watched this last week. You may misremember. She doesn't say that. She says something like "where would I be if I loved every child I look after?", with an implication that she actually does love them and it hurts to leave them, again and again.

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Loose_Avocado4670@reddit

I bet it is heartbreaking.

Out of curiosity, 2 things:

. Do you sometimes see a different side to these kids? As in actually having some potential?

. Have you ever looked them up on social media?

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Ana_Phases@reddit

Yes. It’s amazing what impact a trustworthy adult has on a child.
No. That’s crossing a boundary and could potentially lead to disciplinary actions.

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TroublesomeFox@reddit

This might be an unpopular opinion but don't give up on them, believe they can do well regardless of what you see now, it matters..

I grew up in a shitty family, everything you've described and more, social services involvement, police etc etc. I was THAT kid in the class and it showed in my behaviour. All but ONE of my teachers thought I was gonna end up just like my family, one actually told me that I wouldn't even be good enough for a job at McDonald's and I shouldn't bother getting pets because you can't have them in prison. They never bothered trying to teach me anything other than how much they thought I was worthless and avoided dealing with me unless they had to.

That one teacher would always tell me how smart I was, how kind I was, how they just knew I would be okay, how I could go to university and do well in life etc etc. They bollocked me just as much as the others but she believed in me and it showed.

I'm almost 30 now, did go to uni and got a first, now have a really nice house and a daughter that I adore, three lovely cats, a garden I really enjoy sitting in. I don't mean to sound smug but out of everyone in my family I think I'm doing the best. Money is tight of course but I was recently able to get a REALLY nice bedsheet and I'm so proud of it. I'm actually the only one of my adult siblings/cousins that DIDN'T go to prison.

I will be forever greatful to that one teacher who believed I could be better than what I came from, if you can be that person for those kids it WILL make a difference, at least for some..

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dashboardbythelight@reddit

That’s amazing, congratulations. Other than that one teacher, how do you think you were able to break the cycle?

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TroublesomeFox@reddit

I think mostly just a combination of luck and trying really hard tbh.

I knew from an early age that my family wasn't normal and I knew that things weren't okay but didn't have the experience or language to name it. As I got older I saw more and more how fucked up it was and was pretty determined to get out. I was and still am the blackest of the family sheep.

That teacher really pressed going to uni as something I should want and do, I wasn't on track for any GCSEs so she pushed me to do a course in collage and work my way up. I didn't know what I wanted to do but she said it didn't matter, just pick a subject i think I'll like and go from there. And if I didn't like it after a term or couldn't keep up then fine, quit and get a job. She made it sound like going to uni = away from my family and she was right.

This is where I got lucky - my college tutor also saw potential in me so he was always encouraging and worked with me when I struggled. At the time I had PTSD and if I needed to stay home to do my work then that was okay so long as I actually did it, things like that. That's how I discovered I'm actually really good at writing essays, I just don't have great working memory. I can write you a detailed essay easily on a topic but give me that same subject in a quiz style and I just can't do it. I also discovered I do my best work at home alone and weirdly at night.

Knowing this gave me the confidence to go to uni since thats mostly teaching yourself things on a subject you chose and I was able to use my college tutors accommodations in university. I skipped many lectures but listened to them at home and still did the work.

It wasn't easy and I have several autoimmune diseases that I believe in part are linked to my upbringing but I'm doing a hell of a lot better than prison.

You have to bear in mind with these kids, they don't know any better. I didn't fully realise just how messed up my upbringing was until I had my own child and I still have the odd "omg" moment when I look back on some things now. You don't question that sort of stuff properly as a kid. They only don't stand a chance if you don't give them that chance.

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JeevestheGinger@reddit

They only don't stand a chance if you don't give them that chance.

Wow. That hits hard.

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tangles3@reddit

This comment made me so happy!! Obviously you don’t have to answer this if you do want to, but out of curiosity, what is your relationship with your family like now?

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TroublesomeFox@reddit

Shit 🤣 I have a very distant and sometimes strained relationship with my mother and grandfather, I don't speak to literally anyone else. They don't know where I live and haven't met my daughter.

Tbh I only really speak to my grandfather because he's old and will die soon so it's not worth the aggregation and my mother because I have young siblings (5+6) who I adore and they adore my daughter. If they weren't around I wouldn't speak to my mother either tbh.

Best thing for me was getting away from them, I have a nice little chosen family now right down to a lecturer in university that adopted me and is now "my mother whos not my mother".

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Ana_Phases@reddit

Ah mate. That makes me so happy. Well done on all that fantastic achievement.

Enjoy those bedsheets. Treat yo self!!

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Otherwise-Eye-490@reddit

Secondary here and it’s very very hard. You do your absolute best as much as you can, and you try to be a safe person for the child, and you try to show them they have options. I’ve seen some success stories but despite the best efforts of so many people, they are few and far between. The most horrendous thing is when you can SEE a young person going down a bad path (county lines is an issue where I teach) but when the parents are absent/useless so you aren’t getting that joined up approach, the school often loses out to the bad influences.

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wackybutton@reddit

They’re often my favourites! They’re the children you know you’ve done good with when they want to interact. When they come to tell you what they’ve done that they’re proud of in classes after they leave you. When you’re the one they seek out when it all gets too much.

I have a particular soft spot for them because I was particularly “softly” neglected. Children were an irritant for my parents and everything revolved around what my dad wanted to do (usually sit in the pub for multiple hours an evening and all day at weekends) so yeah

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destria@reddit

This was one of the hardest parts of teaching imo. I wanted to do the best for these pupils but knowing they would go home to some pretty dire circumstances was heartbreaking.

I did what I could within professional boundaries. Like if a kid needed to sleep in my class because his parents had kept them up all night with their fighting, then I made them a comfy little space in the corner of the classroom with some cushions I took from the staff room.

I did loads on the pastoral side to support emotional regulation, much more than the curriculum would have you do. I let the kids drop in at break times and one lunchtime a week, so the kids could come talk to me about whatever. I had a help box where kids could write down an issue they were having and tick whether they wanted me to speak to them privately or if they thought it was something to address as a whole class. I had kids come talk to me about everything: football tactics; a girl who was self conscious about her height; issues around consent and playing 'kiss chase'; how to handle anger issues; feelings around parents splitting up. I'm glad I was able to be that safe figure for them to talk to whenever they needed it.

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AmbitiousAd543@reddit

This thread has brought a tear to my eye 😢

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crispycat40@reddit

There are worse things in life than parents who don’t read to their children.

I’ve worked with vulnerable children (in care) for a long time and, honestly, it makes me hate some humans. Really hate them.

When I was class based, I used to give out Chewits to children who had had their reading journal signed 4 or more times a week. But yeah, that was unfair on the children whose parents wouldn’t read with them. It was a school policy but it sat badly with me.

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misspixal4688@reddit

I have so much guilt over the reading thing as my daughter just always hated books even as baby I then started working with vulnerable children who have been abused and neglected and I told myself to be kinder to myself as my daughter is loved and cared for many aren't.

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crispycat40@reddit

My daughter is very severely dyslexia and autistic with PDA (demand avoidance) so getting her to read a book is like actual torture.

Having a child with complex SEND has completely changed my attitude towards education tbh. I don’t think I’ll ever return to working as a mainstream teacher.

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eralcilrahc@reddit

My little girl who won’t allow me to read books is currently on the pathway to be tested for autism, she has some sensory processing issues and I wouldn’t be surprised if the final outcome is a diagnosis of audhd as her attention span isnt the best and her energy levels and enthusiasm at that of a ballistic missile sometimes. So could explain why she simply does not want me to read her a book

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misspixal4688@reddit

Mine has selective mutism and PDA I now just wait until she approaches me with a book and 9 times out of 10 we wont finish reading it, I've had to really educate myself she not being difficult on purpose she just full of anxiety but its so difficult until people lived in our shoes they never truly understand PDA is not shit parent's just nervous system disorder.

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eralcilrahc@reddit

I understand you with the guilt about reading. It is seen as so crucial to development but by the time my little girl got to 12 months old whenever I’d sit down to read to her she’d snatch the book away and browse herself, she doesn’t like it when others touch her belongings. She’s 3 soon and once a month since she went on reading strike I’ve tried to interest her again but she just doesn’t want it. But you’re right, many children go through far far worse than parents who don’t read to them.

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Old_Bat282@reddit

I dont know if it would help, but you could try one of those read along books that comes with the book and the audio and she could chose to set it playing herself if she wanted to hear it?

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eralcilrahc@reddit

She does have those, she often plays with them so I suppose it’s something

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TroublesomeFox@reddit

I know it wasn't your idea and you didn't have any control over it but omg what a HORRIBLE policy.

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crispycat40@reddit

Yeah, there’s a lot of public shaming in schools unfortunately. Behaviour charts for the entire class to see being another one.

Things are getting better nowadays, but it can be a slow process.

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TroublesomeFox@reddit

I'm a big enemy of attendance awards. If your a chronically ill kid you can literally never achieve it and if it's class based then everyone else resents you.

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crispycat40@reddit

Completely agree.

My youngest was on a part time table so never even possible she’d get any attendance award. And thats in a specialist school.

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Scatterheart61@reddit

Make sure school is a positive, consistent, safe space for them. Take an interest in them - not just their work, but their life, hobbies, interests. Remember things they've told you and bring them up or ask about them at a later date, to remind them they have an adult in their life that listens and cares. If I see a book, article, video, whatever and it makes me think of a kid who has a particular interest in the subject, I will always bring it in and show them. Sometimes, especially if it's related to the current topic, I'll show the class and be like 'look, x is really into this at the moment and I thought it was really cool' or 'x told me about this thing I didn't know and I looked it up and it's really interesting.' Then discuss it etc. Obviously this is highly dependant on the individual child as some hate being in the spotlight, and in that case I would just chat to the child themselves, or chat at break when they are with their friendship group, rather than making a big thing of it in front of the class.

Try to include them in things they may not feel they have anything to join in with. Like when people are talking about what they did over half term, or bringing in things for show and tell - there are always ways they can be included, they may just need help realising that what they did / have matters too. And it can be so lovely seeing how happy and proud they are when they realise that actually the class is JUST as interested as that really cool rock they found, than the Disneyland keyring Amelia brought in to show and tell.

Help them to believe in themselves. When they say they can't do something, help them work out how THEY can figure it out, without giving them the answer, and then you get to say something like 'see, I knew you could do it!' Make sure they have resources they need, and make resources for them to keep at home, such as laminating a number line, times tables, phonics Flashcards etc. So if they do try to do some home learning and are maybe not getting any support from adults they at least have something to help them.

Also helping with self confidence - ask them for help. Give them jobs. Show them you believe in them and trust them. 'Could you please hand out these sheets for me? Thank you so much, that's super helpful!' - 'Luke isn't feeling well, do you think you'd be able to walk with him down to the office and make sure he gets there OK?'. Show them they are valued and can make a positive difference, no matter how small.

Notice and praise effort, even if they get things wrong. Make sure they know how proud you are that they tried, and explain how getting things wrong can be good because it's helps us to learn. I usually relate this to things I've gotten wrong in the past and how I had to practice and keep trying to finally get the hang of something, and how great it feels when you finally get it.

Give them positive attention. Ignore behaviour that looks like trying to get attention by being silly etc, and make sure they are getting plenty of attention for things like being kind, being helpful, trying hard etc.

Often these children struggle with emotional regulation. Make sure they are getting any additional support they need e.g. ELSA. Empathise with emotions and feelings, and help to name them. Ask probing questions to help them figure out why they are feeling a certain way, and help them problem solve how they can feel better. Include things like movement breaks, and mindfulness breaks throughout the day - there are so many resources these days now like fun videos the whole class can join in with, and when it is just part of the normal school day it can really help regulating all of the children, meaning less individual support is needed.

And speaking of all the children - be mindful of seating positions. Don't put them next to a child who may be always talking about their amazing family who does so much together, or a child who always does loads of extra homework with their mums input etc. Put them next to someone who is kind and empathetic and who they get along with. Or put them near the front so you can see how they're getting on easily and if they need any extra support.

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pajamakitten@reddit

Used to teach and had a girl in my class like that. Her file took up an entire shelf of the filing cabinet at six years old. I read a few pages of it the summer before I had her and had to stop because I was already angry and upset. She was lovely and bright, however she missed so much of Reception and Year One that she could not read, nor write independently (you had to transcribe her ideas on a mini whiteboard for her to copy down). She would make progress during the week and forget it all by Monday.

She lived with her grandparents, dad was doing drugs somewhere and mum was banned from being alone with her. In all honesty, there were times where I wanted to take her home with me to give her a better chance in life.

I had to leave that class due to a mental breakdown from the stress of the job and she was the hardest child to leave; her reaction as I said goodbye showed it was painful for her too. That was ten years ago, I still think about her (she would be 16 now) and I hope she is safe and well.

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Loose_Avocado4670@reddit

I'm not a teacher, and I have never been a teacher, but stories like this just break my heart, and it's one of the many reasons I couldn't teach.

It's so sad to hear about some children's home lives and knowing that they don't really have a chance.

I'm sorry to hear about your mental problems, too. I hope you're okay now. I hope that girl is okay too.

Do you find yourself thinking about past students a lot out of curiosity? Even the ones that aren't how the OP has described?

I'm asking because I was one of the more quiet ones who just flew under the radar, really. I still think of my primary and secondary teachers!

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pajamakitten@reddit

Think about that class all the time really, even the quiet ones. They will always be six years old in my mind. It is funny because I work in the NHS now and have seen samples come through our lab for them over the years, so it id like "Aww, I taught you how to use full stops in a sentence and now I am seeing if you have glandular fever."

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leftintheshaddows@reddit

Had a kid like this at my kids' school. His parents always stunk of weed, and their car REALLY stunk of it to the point I had considered the boys acting out at school could be withdrawal symptoms. He was also very overweight and was wearing a uniform that was too small for him. I remember one day he had had a good day and got the student of the day award and was going around at the end if school day showing the teachers and they were all making a big (over the top) deal about it. Then his parents turned up, and when he showed them, they completely ignored him and just walked out the property expecting him to follow. I felt like screaming, "Just look at his award and stick on the fridge at home, it's not hard"

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morriganscorvids@reddit

never had a chance? as a teacher, you create those chances for them. it's our job

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Pandora_aah@reddit

I was that child and I was bullied by the kids and the teachers. When I look back I wonder how an adult can look at an 8 year old who is being neglected and then pick on them as well. I hope teachers are better now

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saynotodiddy2028@reddit

I hope that life got better for you as you grew up. :)

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MaleficentSwan0223@reddit

I’m just here to say you don’t always know which parents they are.

I was the quiet clever kid whose mum was well respected. I was also a fussy eater. My mum often mocked me, told me I was unlovable and mocked me if I showed any emotion. She also rationed my food throughout primary school (fed me 2-3 times weekly - luckily I was coparented) so she could save money for a house.

I told teachers I’d not eaten and they either didn’t care or didn’t believe me because my mum presented as super caring to them.

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RhiR2020@reddit

Oh that is heartbreaking. I am sending so much love to your little self.

We now feed any kid who asks for it (or we notice aren’t eating), no matter what their situation is because we just don’t know. We’d rather feed 100 kids who are just not wanting the sandwich they packed than miss one who hasn’t eaten.

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HamsterEagle@reddit

Last I heard the child I went to school with who was like this was now on trial for murder. As a child his parents were really awful to him, the school tried. Some teachers just thought of him as a nuisance but others did what they could to support and encourage him. One day his parents just took off with him and he was never seen or heard of again, until we saw the news headlines 40ish years later. Guessing given what he ended up doing his life never really improved,

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RhiR2020@reddit

I’m waiting for this to happen with one of my lovelies. I’m waiting for the newspaper headlines and I’m dreading it because I tried so hard…

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Scaryofficeworker@reddit

I am a child protection social worker. I think you just do what you can do and hope for the best . I see parents make changes for the better all the time. I myself didn’t have the greatest childhood but I’ve turned out alright; I am the first in my family to go to university, for example.

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Rtnscks@reddit

There are two kids I taught during my student placement thirty years ago, who I still think about often. I don't think you ever forget "those" kids.

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Scaryofficeworker@reddit

I am a child protection social worker. I think you just do what you can do and hope for the best . I see parents make changes for the better all the time. I myself didn’t have the greatest childhood but I’ve turned out alright; I am the first in my family to go to university, for example.

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throw_away_17381@reddit

Have you ever tried to look them up?

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ATSOAS87@reddit

Reading threads like this really make me appreciate how hard it must've been for me Mum.

We were probably straight on course for all the negative outcomes on paper.

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lousyarm@reddit

I’m a primary teacher in a quite deprived area, so I have a lot of kids whose lives are just quite hard and they don’t have much.

It’s really hard to deal with. It’s hard knowing some of them don’t eat much or at all when they go home, and that the ones who are neglected by parents are going home to an unhappy home.

I’m lucky in the sense that I work in a school that does a lot towards “poverty proofing”, which helps you to cope with it. We have clothes/hygiene/food banks and we give a lot of support to families who are struggling as we have a robust pastoral team.

I have children in my class at the moment who are quite neglected. We keep snacks and food to hand for them throughout the day, and we have spare uniform in the cupboard for them to change into (e.g. a pe kit). Like others have said, you just have to give them as much love and positivity as you can in the time you’ve got them.

When I was training, one of my teacher mentors told me that you’ve got to learn to let it go to a certain extent. She said you can’t go home worrying about every child every night - it’ll kill you. You’ve got to just do what you can in the day and accept that’s all you can do. It’s really hard still, particularly when you’ve got children who are really struggling or who have a tough life.

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Slipsndslops@reddit

That and the look on a kid's face when he realizes that he is more intelligent than his parents at the age of 8 and in some way we'll be taking care of his parents for the rest of his life.

It's a very particular look that you notice when they come in, in the morning.

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UnIntelligent-Idea@reddit

My friend works in a "special behaviour unit" for troubled kids. This is primary aged kids who have been expelled from 3+ schools.

She was warned before she started there that it's got quite the staff turnover. She was told not to worry if she didn't last the week. That was 10+ years ago - she took to it well.

However 95% of the children have horrible home lives in so many different ways, whether neglect, drugs, CSA, DV, trauma, or a mix of all the above. The stories she's told about what the children deal with is horrendous.

They're never expected to "achieve" by the usual standards, it's a positive result if they leave school with a nominal education. But the school do their best to provide routine, boundaries and a safe place for the children, and aim that they're given better skills than they otherwise would have to survive in the world.

Its been eye opening to have an insight into these facilities. I'm glad they exist, but sad that children can be treated so badly that they have to exist at all.

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Necrospire@reddit

When I was in infant school my teacher used to take me home with her at weekends to give me a break from the constant abuse and being moved all the time during the week, I have a love of the Hundred Acre Wood and can waggle each eyebrow independently thanks to that wonderful lady and her orange VW in the early seventies.

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Serious-Top9613@reddit

Not a teacher, but remember a few classmates of mine from secondary school. One struggled with SH, and the teacher’s (head of year)’s response was to try and stop us (her friends) from interacting with her during break and lunch. She obviously wasn’t be treated correctly anywhere, and it showed in her behaviour at school.

Another friend ended up being sectioned (whenever she’d “kick off” as everyone called it, she’d turn aggressive and physical). This all happened when we were 16. This girl was in the care system (and had no one). I was the first person she told about getting sectioned - without giving her platitudes (as I don’t think they even work), I just let her talk about whatever she wanted to. She’s now got her own flat, and became a youth support worker.

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mistakes-were-mad-e@reddit

Primary you have to build the best relationships that you can.

Secondary is a harsh shock for a lot of children and the transition needs to be good.

Not every child will thrive with that transition.

Do what you can, when you can.

And... Puberty comes for them too.

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MinaretofJam@reddit

Yeah. Went to a very bog standard comp in Sunderland in the 80s. Puberty was when some of the lads really went over to the dark side. Really sad, most of them weren’t terrible people but the pack mentality of being a “hard man” at 15, no parental boundaries, and most of all no expectations for them, all led to petty criminality, lots of poor choices - heroin had just come in a big way to the North East. Some of the teachers really tried to help but it must have been pretty overwhelming at times.

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Reasonable_sweetpea@reddit

They are the reason you do the job - you are showing them there is another way to be, you and your colleagues are probably the only role models of kindness, self control and love of learning in their life and you do all you can to light a spark that can change the direction of their life

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Necessary_Doubt_9762@reddit

There’s a child in my daughters class who lives near us and I’ve had the delight (/s) of watching the mum raise her children for the last 6 years when I’ve seen her at the local park or heard her when I’m also at the local park as she lives next to it and I now get to hear her on the walk to school. Now, to give her credit, those kids are always clean and she gets the younger ones to school everyday . Anyway, she’s always shouting at the kids about something. Swearing at them and calling them shitbags. Bearing in mind they’re all in primary school. When she’s not doing that she’s on her phone. If they interrupt her, there’s more shouting. I’ve never once seen her have a positive interaction with her children. I’ve waked with her a couple of times and she tells me she does love them but wishes she’d never had them-whilst they’re all in earshot. The youngest one is 3 or nearly 4 as she goes to school this year but honestly she presents and acts as a much older child. I was at the park recently, mum was smoking, on her phone moaning about her kids and my daughter and I ended up playing with her and she absolutely latched onto us and I think she had a wonderful time. It was the same when I went on my daughter’s school trip, the boy in her class was in my group and I was giving him positive attention and he lit up. It breaks my heart. He oldest boy is a bit of a thug, he eggs cars, rides his bike in the middle of the road swearing at people etc but honestly, I’m not surprised. It just breaks my heart that these kids are parented well enough that they’re not an issue for SS (she told me they’ve been referred a few times) but not well at all in the grand scheme of things. You can just see what their futures are going to look like and it’s so so sad. I just try to be chatty and engaging with them when I see them.

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Ok_Squirrel_3741@reddit

It's hard. I work in a city school on an estate where leaving the estate is a huge deal. Over the years I've had many children pass through who just had huge potential that I knew would never be realised. I remember them the most.

One girl who I taught about 3 years ago and who is in secondary now. Her dad was not in the picture and her mum was not hugely stable. Not abusive but not someone who valued education and got too much of her self esteem by having a boy friend. There had been domestic violence in the past. The girl's two older brothers had mental health issues and could get violent. This girl was smart, not a genius or anything but absolutely could have got to university or had a trade and actually make some money. She was so fascinated by the world. I was so desperate for this girl to do well, leave the estate and not be like her mother and grandmother. But you just know. I've heard from the secondary school that she rarely attends and I fully expect her to be pregnant within the next 5 years. I hope I'm wrong.

Another was a boy. His mum was incredibly loving but morbidly obese so not really able to do much with him. She rarely left the house. His dad had some sort of learning disability. Nothing I could diagnose, not being a doctor, but in the old days you would call him incredibly thick. We once watched him try and fail to solve a game aimed at 4 year olds. He was fine enough to talk to but he was definitely let down by the system somewhere. This little boy just seemed perplexed by everything. Again, definitely some sort of learning disability. We obviously tried to get him through CAHMS and social services support and support the family the best we could. Then mum got diagnosed with heart disease and died. Dad didn't have a clue how to look after himself or his son. This little boy would just walk round like a zombie after this. We tried so desperately hard to get social services more involved and get him councilling but everything was an uphill battle. The dad and boy moved to another county to be with family and I really hope it was stable family. I think I will think about this boy for the rest of my life. Both of these cases the kids would have been so much better of with other families. The education system at the moment feels very much like you are failing everyone. More and more gets put on schools to try and solve societies problems but we just can't and it's genuinely heartbreaking at how much potential gets wasted.

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JMM85JMM@reddit

I was one of those kids. I wasn't the worst of the worst in terms of upbringings, but I was neglected, left to my own devices, no one ever did parents evening or read to me etc. Any encouragement had to come from elsewhere.

Looking back I can see my teachers knew I had potential and they helped me. It worked. I did well in my GCSEs and A Levels, I went to uni, I have a good job now and broke the cycle. Not everyone will be like me but it's always worth trying.

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Embarrassed-Yak-8269@reddit

Be proud of your achievements . It probably took a lot more effort for you to have success than a young person with ‘ helicopter parents’ . I wish you a wonderful life

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unalivexmastree@reddit

Teachers thank you so much for never giving up and showing all those beautiful humans full of potential what life is.

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Loose_Avocado4670@reddit

I'm not a teacher, but when I look back at some of the students I went to primary with, it was very obvious that a lot of them had issues going on at home. I didn't realise at the time, though.

It's just heartbreaking seeing their lives bassically set up for them already. I'm not saying all of them don't turn out great, but it's just really hard to get out of that cycle/environment.

One of the many reasons I couldn't teach.

Some parents really don't deserve kids.

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tooflyforashireguy@reddit

I have had at least one in every year 6 cohort I have taught for the last 7 years. You have to squash in the love, parenting and teaching into three terms. I have had extra special ones who, if I could take them home and give them all the love, I would.

Unfortunately, for some children it’s so painfully prewritten for them that it isn’t a shock when I hear about them being excluded or ending up on the roof of their high school 🫠

What I most enjoy are the stories of the ones where they could go one of two ways. These children ultimately have to make a choice about their learning behaviours and the futures they want for themselves. It is lush when they come back for work experience or just for a chat because “Miss I know you love gossip” and they tell me how they’re getting on.

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macfearsum@reddit

I was a pupil support assistant for many years with Deaf children. The child really did need british sign language to communicate, and to get on in school. Her mother just couldn't get it. However the mother was horrifically abused at home, so she never had the energy or time to learn how to communicate with her child. I believe they are doing better now.

It's not one size fits all, I do believe mainstream doesn't suit every child. I am rather annoyed the idea was implemented that every child should be in the mainstream schooling, whilst previously they were in a perfectly adequate education, that suited their needs and wants.

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Performing-sloth@reddit

Show them love and respect and keep doing that no matter what they say or do. Everyday is a fresh start. Show/lead them to their potential. Help them understand that mistakes happen and how to learn and grow for them. Consistency.

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abyssal-isopod86@reddit

I was one of those kids.

I'm 40 now and my life went no where and now I'm too disabled to do much beyond exist and try to make a difference for those who are our future in any small way I can.

Some of these comments are touching 🥹

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FakeNordicAlien@reddit

I didn’t work within the state school system, but as a supplementary teacher/tutor for teens in an inner-city youth centre, and then as an employability teacher working out of the Job Centre (technically I worked for an adult education provider, but our students were mandated to come on our course by the Job Centre from age 19 onwards, and most did not want to be there) so I had a bit more leeway about what I was allowed to say to them.

I never lied. I admitted that life wasn’t fair and not everyone was given the same opportunities, and that wasn’t right, but it was the way things are. And then if there’s one thing I tried to get to sink in, it’s that the absolute best thing you can do for your future self when you’re young is to make sure you keep as many options open as possible, especially when you start off with fewer than a lot of people. That they could maximise their options by taking care of their brains - by studying hard, by reading as many different books as possible, by staying away from drugs - and taking care of their bodies - not smoking, not drinking too much, not getting pregnant or getting someone else pregnant at a young age, not driving too fast or taking stupid risks, walking away from insults - and by staying out of legal trouble. That all those things would reduce their possible options in life, and every door they could keep open would make things easier down the road. I tried to emphasise that it wasn’t concerned so much about them making ethical choices, or ones I agreed with, as much as ensuring they were able to keep as many choices on the table as they could, because the more choices they had available, the happier they’d probably be, and the more control they’d have over their lives.

Sometimes it worked. A lot of the time, actually. Sometimes it didn’t.

I expect I’d have tried to say something similar for primary school students, in an age-appropriate way. If you work hard now, and try to learn as much as you can, you’ll be able to choose between lots of things to be when you get older.

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mobius900@reddit

This strikes a chord. Good on you for showing them that

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blazecranium@reddit

Totally depends on the pupil

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foxfunk@reddit

This sounds counter intuitive, but I think as much as praise and care and support really matter for these (and all) children, they also need clear and firm boundaries. You get some kids who you just know either have ridiculous boundaries at home where their parents probably kick off over everything, so they become numb to it, or their parents just let them get away with everything, or actively encourage them to act up.

It will cause some mega tantrums on occaisions but will do them well in the long run I feel.

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PipBin@reddit

Be extra nice to them and go out of my way to be pleased to see them in the morning. Give them a little more support than you might do with others.

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EvenSea4967@reddit

I’ve taught lots of kids like this (and much worse situations). Some need lots more than this but there are some kids that really just want/need you to talk to them, ask them questions about themselves, remember things about them. It’s sometimes just the little things that show you care and they’re important

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Alert_Mine7067@reddit

I'm not a teacher, but I can relate to some degree to the type of pupil you're describing. Growing up, my parents weren't bad by any means, there was a drinking problem and unresolved trauma with my mum, my dad was a police constable, they lived in seperate houses with their kids from their respective ex spouses. My mums side never done well academically, nor had the drive to.

My teachers were a good influence, particularly one in secondary school, but in spite of that, I didn't apply myself and got no GCSEs, wasn't allowed back for A-Levels, the teacher I referenced was in a similar situation to me academically. I had my friendship groups who were going to Uni, College etc and getting hit with the reality of the real world was another factor, the boot up the arse that put me in the right direction, I went to college and completed several courses, worked in retail management for several years before getting an apprenticeship at a later age, and I'm now in a good job and place in life, socially, financially and mentally.

I think encouraging friendships with better performing pupils is a big factor, social influence is very strong and this is something that may not help immediately, but down the line it could send them along the right path.

Everyone's educational journey isn't necessarily academic, nor is it consistent and linear. A lot of the non academic folk I grew up with went on to trades, employer funded training programmes, one even went to college in later years and is now a teacher. Your starting point doesn't decide your finish.

Lastly, teachers that teach more than just the curriculum, with a balance of humility, life skills, real world perspectives, compassion and a love for the job, were all quite powerful memory reference for me when I was working towards my goals.

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Rude_Trouble_4075@reddit

Fortunately, in all the years I’ve taught, I’ve only one kid like that. Patience, grace, and love was my strategy. Invest in your relationship. I kept him after school for an hour for remedial (he was failing!!!) and did one to one with the consent of parents. We made it fun, I made sure he felt safe to talk to me so he can decompress and within 6 months he improved in all subjects. Oh, Norbertito!!! I will never forget you xx

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Racing_Fox@reddit

In my experience they let them get away with fucking everything and end up with the rest of us learning nothing.

Wish we had a tiered school system

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misspixal4688@reddit

When I was at school, children like me were ignored. Now I help SEN parents and spend a lot of time in and out of schools, and unfortunately, some children are still being ignored. I was abused and neglected at home, but from the outside it didn’t look that way. My mum was a working mum, and her family were fairly middle class. My nan attended all the school meetings and helped me get support for my dyslexia, and my mum did take me to regular hospital appointments. She was seen as a good mum. Behind closed doors, it was very different. I was the one cleaning the house and cooking dinners, if we even had food, while my mum spent her evenings in the village pub drinking and taking drugs. I would turn up to school with marks and bruises from when she attacked me. I reported it, but I was ignored. She was a good actor. People have the wrong perception of what abusers are. They can be anyone. I’ve also seen parents doing their absolute best with disabled children, children who won’t read or who have very restricted diets because of their disabilities. Parents reach out for help, but there is so much parent blame from the school system, and frankly from the media and the general public, that many just give up and accept being seen as bad parents.

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Much-Beyond2@reddit

Sometimes those are the children that you have the best moments with.. you just have to accept that you can't control everything in a child's life, but you can help to give them the tools to make the best life that they can. These types of kids cam often be very resourceful and knowledgeable as they will often have taken on caring responsibilities/have found ways around some of the difficulties in their lives.

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