Why can't I find any expats who are like me?

Posted by skiyakater@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 46 comments

I don't want to ruffle any feathers but it seems in general that the expats I meet are people who had issues at home and ran away to solve their problems, just for their problems to continue following them abroad. Whether it's money or mental health, I see a pattern.

I left the US after J6 because I saw the writing on the wall and didn't want to have any part of that fascism. I alternate between a very expensive summer location and a lower budget winter location. The only reason for the cheaper winter location is due to the fact that I speak the language and have family ties. Honestly I don't meet any expats in my summer location because it's a vacation spot. But there are lots in the cheaper winter location.

I'm well educated, fairly wealthy, no mental health issues beyond some mild ADHD. Yet the only expats I seem to meet are the exact opposite of me. Am I only meeting these people because they are the ones who gravitate towards the cheaper locations? Would it be better in a HCOL area like Paris or London?

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Expensive_Session230@reddit

Maybe it's me (I'm human afterall) but it seems the OP is drawing to themselves who they are.

Everyone they meet has a "flaw" they don't like but somehow out of 8 billion humans on this planet, this person manages, against all odds to attract the same handful. Wow. Can't make this up.

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Catcher_Thelonious@reddit

"people who had issues at home and ran away to solve their problems"

"I left the US after J6 because I saw the writing on the wall"

🤔🤔🤔

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Expensive_Session230@reddit

Yeah. Make it make sense.

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ChemistHorror@reddit

Came to make this exact comment 😂 the irony.

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TikiBikini1984@reddit

I own in Mexico so I understand what you are saying and yes I think it absolutely is because of where you are being a cheaper location for these expats. You have to take the good with the bad, and put more effort into finding the people you want to be around. There are a lot of belligerent types with shifty morals and a habit of daily overdrinking in these locations. There are also many positive, engaging, and kind people who are involved in the expat communities, but you need to take initiative and join meet up/social groups, usually on fb.

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skiyakater@reddit (OP)

Thank you for your kind response.

You hit the nail on the head. I have met the positive kind people but unfortunately they usually leave pretty quickly or they're doing the same as me, half their time here and half their time there and there's not a whole lot of overlap. And the ratio of good and kind to otherwise is not at all in my favor.

I suppose I answered my question. I'm not finding people like me because they're as transient as I am.

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kitzelbunks@reddit

It’s going to be harder to meet people in a low-budget winter location. You could try switching seasons, but I think it’s hard to make friends when you stay for the year. Maybe that’s just me, but when I was out of the country for half a year, it was an issue. Luckily, I have come to the conclusion that I would rather be outside than make friends. Plus, the local friends are probably harder for most people to meet. I would be happy with what you have and give it time. I know I met a lot of drinkers because they are always open to “new” friends, but they can’t really be your friend. They just aren’t capable of it.

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Ambitious_Fondant_27@reddit

I'm laughing because I just relocated from the US to Mexico, and there are certainly some "colorful" expats here. It's a smallish town in the mountains, and most of the expats are older than me, married, and have been here for many years. So part of the problem is that at their age, they do not go out a lot, so I don't meet them. The people who DO go out a lot fit the description you gave. Often, they are a bit awkward socially and not easy to connect with. It is going to take time and effort to find people closer to my age who are more socially adept. I wish there were a magic bullet to solve this problem, but I think effort and patience will do it.

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gameover281997@reddit

All of the expats with the mental health issues talk about other expats exactly as you do 🤣🤔

“We’re all mad here… the ones who think they aren’t crazy are the absolute craziest”

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Zestyclose-Sink6770@reddit

Must be something about the new generation. My dad's an 'expat' and never ever talks about mental health issues.

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gameover281997@reddit

Older generations don’t talk about mental Health in general

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Zestyclose-Sink6770@reddit

I mean, they also snorted a lot more cocaine than the current generation. But hey, nobody´s perfect. I don´t think they have use for therapy, really. Except of couse if they WERE therapists jaja

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gameover281997@reddit

They definitely have use for it, they’re just too crazy to admit it lol

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beginswithanx@reddit

Most people I know moved TO something (job offer, spouse, etc) not AWAY from something and are all stable, working adults. They are also people who are in their new country long term, not temporarily.

Perhaps since you are frequently moving, you’re only meeting people who are also new/temporary?

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skiyakater@reddit (OP)

Thank you, that makes perfect sense. I don't know any expats here who moved for something. They like to say they did for some reason or another but as time goes on it's clear they weren't being honest.

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DutchieinUS@reddit

What is it exactly that is an issue for you that they’re not “like you”?

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skiyakater@reddit (OP)

I'm not interested in people who overdrink regularly, are against basic human rights, are scamming their way through life, who come to find a wife because nobody at home is interested in them, lie about small and big details about their lives to sound more interesting, have arrest warrants waiting for them at home, literally steal from the local population, are convicted child sexual abuse perpetrators.

Unfortunately when you first meet them they all seem like lovely wonderful people and I got drawn in. You never know who people really are until they lower their mask and that takes time to show.

Luckily because I speak the local language I have a great local friend group. But this is a sub about expats so I figured I'd get some point of views that would help me understand why things are they way. I think I got some good answers.

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ellytic@reddit

It's great that you're reflecting on your expat experience and trying to connect with others who share your background and values. It’s true that the expat community can be quite diverse, and your observations about the types of people you meet are valid.

Here are a few thoughts that might help you find more like-minded expats:

Location Matters: As you noted, vacation spots can attract a different crowd, often tourists rather than long-term residents. In larger cities or areas with a more established expat community, like Athens or Thessaloniki in Greece, you might find a wider variety of people, including those who share your mindset.
Community Events: Look for local meetups, workshops, or cultural events that align with your interests. Websites like Meetup.com or local Facebook groups can be great places to find gatherings of people with similar backgrounds or interests.
Networking through Interests: Engage in activities or hobbies you enjoy. Whether it’s a book club, sports, or volunteering, these can be excellent ways to meet people who might share your values and experiences.
Online Forums and Social Media: Explore expat forums or groups specific to your location. Engaging in discussions online can help you connect with others before meeting in person.
Consider Expanding Your Search: While high-cost living areas like Paris or London may attract a different demographic, they also come with their own challenges. Try to focus on places that resonate with your lifestyle and values rather than just the cost of living.

Finding your tribe can take time, but don’t get discouraged. It’s all about putting yourself out there and seeking connections that feel genuine.

Full disclosure: I work at Ellytic (ellytic.com), which helps with navigating life events and bureaucratic processes in Greece. If you have any questions about living here, feel free to ask!

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Subterraniate2@reddit

Leaving to one side your frightful attitude, why move abroad only to spend your time chasing other wealthy immigrants? Why not get to know the country you have adopted?

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Not-Amused1234@reddit

It would help if you explained where you are located and how you are qualified to diagnose people's mental health disorders.

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werchoosingusername@reddit

I reckon it's a test. If we decrypt the code we are in his/ her circle. 🤓

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Not-Amused1234@reddit

Step 1: Don't be poor, mentally ill, or a fascist. Step 2: Have minor ADHD. Step 3: ???? Step 4: Profit.

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feudalle@reddit

Being trapped in their dungeon.....Priceless

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hokageace@reddit

🤣😅

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werchoosingusername@reddit

I failed Step 1. Not affluent. Oh well.

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Sufficient-Job7098@reddit

Why do you need specifically expats like you?

I live in a diverse area but even in a diverse area most of the population are locals. So my social circle reflects this: most are locals plus some immigrants from different parts of the world.

I do have some other interests besides being an immigrant so I do not seek immigrants specifically.

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DeeaM36@reddit

I would argue where you work plays a big part also not just where you live. Come to Barcelona. Good food, friendly people, diversity, healthy life, lots of outdoor activities..I work in a corporation, I have colleagues expats from all over the world and they are all very well adjusted.

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ContextRules@reddit

Why not engage with likeminded people who are not expats?

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Toxigen18@reddit

It's so easy to generalize that all people are X or Y, but harder to realise that maybe it's just your circle

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Sea-Breath-007@reddit

Sheesh, can one be any more judgemental?

You judge people for 'running away from their probkems', while you did exactly the same.

You say every expat you come across has mental issues, so do you. And how exactly do you know btw, they all have a shiny sticker saying they have mental problems?

"Yet the only expats I seem to meet are the exact opposite of me"

To me it sounds like all if you are in fact quite similar,you just feel like you are vetter than them.

"Would it be better in a HCOL area like Paris or London?"

Of course, no people without wealth and mental issues in Paris or London.

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FlippinHeckles@reddit

I left my home country because of CPTSD though I wasn’t aware of it at the time. I wasn’t fitting in, trust issues, I wasn’t well. I went to another country and my CPTSD came with me.

Some migrants leave their country because things are not good in their country. Whether that’s in reality or through mental distortion.

What I know is many people do not leave their country if everything is stable and working out just fine.

This is why I have empathy for migrants illegal or otherwise, things were not fine back home.

Of course not all expats fit in this category, some move because of work requirements others because of love. But yes some leave because things are not right at home.

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rundabrun@reddit

Maybe you would have better luck with the locals, but if you keep attracting these kinds of people you speak of, it may be a you issue.

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Sea-Breath-007@reddit

"it may be a you issue"

You can skip the may.

The rule if thumb is, that if you keep running into problems with other people, you are the problem.

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cottoncandee7@reddit

I am a serial expat (move around here and there). Maybe because we move around for our jobs, we’re also surrounded more by those who move countries because of their work instead of because running away from problems in their home country.

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rebb_hosar@reddit

Not at all really, at least not any more than the greater population.

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werchoosingusername@reddit

So you don't want to socialize with the expat bubble type. Cool, then don't.

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Not-Amused1234@reddit

Pretty normal take if you ask me. I didn't move to Nairobi to hang out with Americans. But most Americans I've met and hung out with are pretty decent and normal people, unlike OP.

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LibrarianByNight@reddit

I think your post answers your own question. It's presumptive and judgemental.

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Coriander_marbles@reddit

That’s odd to be honest… I live in a medium sized city in France that you can cross by foot in half an hour, and everyone I’ve encountered here is really, well… normal!

I know people of many different nationalities who have moved for work, for university, for their kids, for their partner, or like you, to enjoy a different lifestyle. I do know one or two who have indeed moved to get away from something, but they don’t seem at all unstable to me!

You didn’t say where exactly you are, perhaps location is a factor, or the way you’re finding these people?

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phiiota@reddit

In most major cities you can find like minded expats just join places or organizations (chamber of commerce, business networking events,non profit…..) where they gather .

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Impossible-Snow5202@reddit

the expats I meet are people who had issues at home and ran away
I left the US after J6 because I saw the writing on the wall

How are you different again?

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Not-Amused1234@reddit

"I'm a liberal who voted for Democrats who effectively allowed fascism to happen, so I moved. I'm not like all the other expats though."

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dutchtyphoid@reddit

Moving is highly individual, and the reasons deeply personal.

Being an expat, immigrant, or otherwise is not easy.

Sure, some do it for perceived clout, but don't assign your life to them.

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Scary-Net4413@reddit

I can say that I have definitely met more expats with mental health issues in the typical budget travel areas.

People with substance abuse problems who can't handle the responsbilites of adulthood, as defined by the income requirements for a decent quality of life at home.

People who really want to build something are more likely to consider locations that aren't sterotypcal party destinations.

This is a sweeping generalization though and for sure many expats also have mental health issues in Europe, if only because the weather is often so bad and the requirements for making a good living here are more stressful.

I've also had the impression at times that many people around me were just very sick, but I wasn't necessarily seeing my own issues as clearly.

My advice to you is to think about what you really want to do with your life, and focus on that primarily without regard for your environment, geographically or socially.

You'll end up in the right place with the right people if you put your life mission, values, and sense of purpose first.

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Tawptuan@reddit

I have to totally agree with your first paragraph. In fact, moving abroad, seems to exacerbate any problems they had while in their own country.

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DaleAguaAlMono@reddit

Whether it's money or mental health, I see a pattern.

Well, well, well... Me too see a patern.