Thinking of leaving Thailand and moving back to the UK pregnant… am I making a huge mistake?
Posted by NoBus1065@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 67 comments
I’m a UK national, 35, and after 10 years abroad in Koh Samui, I’m seriously considering moving back to Leeds before my baby is born.
I’m trying to do what’s best for my baby, but I’m torn. I’m a teacher and while my salary is fine for a single woman, it doesn’t feel enough to raise a child. I’ve also fallen out of love with teaching and desperately want out before becoming a mum.
My partner is South African and has a business here that’s only been running a year. It could become successful, but it also might not, and that uncertainty worries me.
Housing has also been really unsettling. We’ve had to move twice this year already, once because of neighbour complaints about our dog barking, and again because a landlord decided to sell a month after we moved in. It’s made me question how stable life here really is.
I also don’t feel I have the support network here that I may need. Healthcare, childcare and practical support all feel hard. Back in Leeds, my family and friends are supportive, financially stable and want me to come home and put down roots.
The plan would be for me to go back with my dogs first, and for my partner to hopefully join later.
What I can’t work out is whether I’m seeing this clearly, or romanticising home… supermarket food, country walks, cosy evenings with tea in front of the TV, family nearby. Is that nostalgia talking, or is that the stability I genuinely need?
I have no pension, no investments, I’m 35, and part of me feels moving home is the responsible choice for my baby. Another part fears I’m blowing up my life out of fear.
Has anyone made a similar move while pregnant or left expat life after years abroad? I’d really value honest perspectives.
naturalconfectionary@reddit
What visa will your bf be getting? You now need 88k in savings to bring a non British spouse back to the uk if you don’t currently reside and work there. You say ‘hopefully’, are you hopeful or not? Are you ok with raising a baby without him?
jxanne@reddit
88k savings?? i thought it was salary based
MarginPut@reddit
Requires a salary in the UK or a job offer, unfortunately.
uzibunny@reddit
Not just a job offer, you need to prove you've been earning at least £29k per annum abroad which I doubt Thailand pays teachers.
Cielskye@reddit
If the OP works for an international school you’d be surprised how much teachers make. They earn very comfortable salaries.
NoBus1065@reddit (OP)
Not in Koh Samui sadly and this is why I want to leave because I am not on a decent salary for a mum to be.
Whilst me and my partner do intend to get married (we’re engaged) it’s on hold for now because of the baby. I’ve looked at the government website and it says my partner can get the parent visa and legally work and live in the UK, however, this can’t be until the baby is born sadly. We’re maybe considering getting married without the ceremony for now.
For the parent visa, you just need to be able to prove that you are going to be an active parent but it say him and I can’t be together (legally).
For the spousal visa, he doesn’t need savings (which we can spoof anyway with the help of family) but he does need to secure a job which is going to be tricky to start.
It’s a mess. I didn’t think it would be this hard in all honesty. We had never thought about moving to the UK, a had never actually done any research. It’s really sad.
naturalconfectionary@reddit
So that’s not quite right I’m afraid. You as the Brit are the sponsor, so his work doesn’t count at this stage. You would need to go and work for 6 months at the 29k salary. If you want to come together without the job aspect sorted first, the savings of 88k apply. To try and Bluff the system and say you are separated and he’s coming as a parent only visa will be a long and difficult process
gregd303@reddit
Yep. Op check out the 'Reunite Families UK' Facebook group for info on this. Many (including myself) are in a similar situation. The group has plenty of info and the people who run it know their stuff.
naturalconfectionary@reddit
I believe the salary abroad doesn’t count. It must be a uk salary to prove you are supporting yourself in the uk directly
NoBus1065@reddit (OP)
Is this the same if we are married and we have a baby together? If so, that’s crazy 😣
nboz5@reddit
Yes, and I know this because my husband is the British citizen and I’m the pregnant wife. We didn’t have £88k in savings so we had to wait until he had a job offer of at least £29k per annum prior to us moving to the UK to even apply for the visa. Go on the UK.Gov website and it breaks down the requirements
Crafty_Try_423@reddit
Wow. This is truly insane.
RockinMadRiot@reddit
It’s 88k in savings or 29k job offer. I agree, it is insane and because of that, forced my wife and I to her country. The UK spouse visa feels very unstable give the debates going on there lately.
gregd303@reddit
The 29k job offer only works if you're already over the eaenings threshold in the expat country. Otherwise it's a case of go back to the UK without your partner and earn 29k or more - for a 6 months duration, at which point you can apply , so realistically 6- 8 months apart. Also the application costs about 5k. I write this as a UK national living in Poland with my EU partner and daughter ..the cost and hassle currently outweighs going back :/ an unfair system. There's a Facebook page called Reunite Families UK which is a very helpful group.
kattykaty1988@reddit
UK is also a non starter for me and my partner because of this.
splitbrainhack@reddit
you guys let anyone in by canal rubber boat but a legal spouse you make it that difficult ? 😅
Mental-Respond1700@reddit
Run borderpilot first, then verify visa, income threshold, and timing with a solicitor—the admin usually kills the "simple".
Butterfly-Swan1246@reddit
I haven't read through all the comments so sorry if repeating any. Is it an option to join your partner in running his business or to start your own, for example, as a private tutor or is it difficult to do this in Thailand? Maybe have your baby in the UK, spend first few months there, and then head back to Thailand. Can your partner easily relocate his business, perhaps there are countries with more flexible visa requirements, more secure housing options etc that can also offer the stability you seek?
Prahasaurus@reddit
Raising a child without a support network (family, close friends) is extremely hard on the mother. But that's part of the expat life. Not saying you should move back, but get ready. It's going to be harder than you imagine, and you seem to already know it's going to be hard...
Also, from my experience, having a family around you is not a panacea. It really depends on the family.
Some grandmas and grandpas are incredibly helpful, supportive, active with the grandkids. They take the kids for long periods of time, giving the mother a chance to recharge (assuming the father is working).
Others view grandkids as amazing new family members that they visit for a few hours once a month or for the weekend, but not as caregivers. "We already raised you, we're older and enjoying our retirement, now it's your turn!"
In fact, it becomes more work with family around, as they show up and expect lunch while not really doing much with the grandkids. So make sure your family is going to be active caregivers.
NoBus1065@reddit (OP)
Oh my family is incredible. I’m so lucky in that aspect. My mum is already a grandmother and is so active in the kids lives. She really has been a blessing to my brother and my SIL. So that is the massive pull to come home. I’m also very close to her and know I will need her strength. I’m also at high risk of post natal depression as I already suffer with mental health issues - so for me that’s probably my main concern being in Thailand.
My partner (fiancé) is South African and started his business here about a year ago. The tricky thing about leaving Thailand is… 1. Visas for the UK for him 2. Giving up his business that he has worked so hard for 3. The unknown - I never saw myself back in the UK until i got pregnant, I’m worried we will both hate it but be a little bit stuck.
However, the only reason I have to stay in Koh Samui is for him. There’s nothing else keeping me here. My job as a teacher is making me miserable because schools are run like businesses and not educational institutes that care about the children, we don’t earn enough independently or collectively to put down routes, the housing is so unstable - even if you buy, the land the house is on does not belong to you, the education on the island is expensive and terrible IMO (trust me as a teacher, it’s not the teachers fault). And most on my friends are not really my people, I care about them but I can’t speak to them when I’m down. I feel like I must be positive about everything because I’m lucky enough to live in paradise. 😔
BronwynLane@reddit
Raising a child without a second parent is also extremely hard. It sounds like they may have visa issues for the partner in the UK.
Pan_Duh_Pan_Duh@reddit
Excellent points! I think a supportive family/friends network is a really important thing. Which is one of the reasons I‘m glad to try and move to Mongolia to be with my husband, because his family is very connected to each other and seem to be invested in grandchildren/nieces/nephews.
I don’t feel like I’d have as much support with my network of mostly single or childless friends/disconnected family.
Anonymous30005000@reddit
Most important is actually the fact that wherever you give birth will become your child’s legal residence and you will not be able to take them away from their residence to another country without their father’s permission. Do you want to be stuck living in Thailand for as long as your partner tells you to once the baby is born? You wouldn’t want to be on the run as an international kidnapper.
RockinMadRiot@reddit
A side note I don’t think many said, you might have issues bringing your animals to the UK. Most have to enter through the channel tunnel.
No_Accident8684@reddit
why would the UK be any better, except you would need even more money to survive?
Lucky_Astronomer_435@reddit
Romanticize the cosy tea and fire but don’t romanticize the daily grey weather.
Hopefully you could become certified (if not already) to teach in the UK. Or perhaps your family has connections to a job for you? That sounds doable. Will you be able to live with family for a while until you get settled? It may be harder to get a job and work a job when pregnant out to there.
Otherwise realize that things are pretty scary these days and you may be reacting to that. People will feel different in the UK after the tropical vibe. It’s stressful living in Europe these days. If you want to go back take time to research how you will do that to a high degree of detail. In the meantime try not to react to the stress of the globe and maybe stay put in affordable SẼ Asia until you’re ready to move back and have everything lined up.
EmzWD@reddit
I moved from Doha last July to Leeds whilst being 36 weeks pregnant and I have 2 other children aged. 4 and 10. We had to move because my husband lost his job in January of last year and without a job you cannot have residency. Also back in Leeds we don't have much support system, however I have made sure that based on the area we live in we are in good schools for primary and secondary state schools. My eldest who is 10 has done his whole primary school in private education. We don't have a car so I made sure we can get to places by public transportation or walking. I go back to work in September this year so I should have more money to get childcare for my daughter who is now 7 months old. I would say for me the most important thing was making sure the numbers work me for and I can still offer a decent quality of life. If you have family back in Leeds that is a good first step. Prior to living in Doha we were living in London and that was a tough life with 1 child let alone 3 hence my decision to Leeds. For now it works for this current phase I am in. Best of luck with your decision.
Vaultleap@reddit
if you take away the pregnancy and the immediate reasons to jump on a plane, what you're describing sounds like someone who's lost her peace. two forced moves in a year. the dog complaints. a landlord selling a month in. burnt out on teaching. a partner whose business is still finding its feet. a baby coming. no cushion. none of that on its own is a crisis, but stacked together it's a lot, and it puts you in survival mode.
and your partner is doing his best in all of it too. his business up and down, trying to build something while everything around you is shifting. that matters.
step one isn't leeds or thailand. step one is getting your peace back. wherever that ends up being. because right now you're in survival mode, and leeds is the best emergency cord you have. pulling it is legitimate. but it won't solve what's underneath. if the instability follows you home, you'll have moved continents without moving forward.
get to a place where you can think clearly first. then the next move becomes obvious instead of urgent.
Uncle_Richard98@reddit
This comment was generated by AI slop, either ChatGPT, Gemini or Claude lol the conversations style is the exact same
Vaultleap@reddit
I just read her post carefully. wild concept I know.
KnowledgeWild2241@reddit
Just because your remove the capitalization doesn’t make this any less of GPT slop 🤣
Exotic-Philosopher-6@reddit
Who cares. The response seems to have helped Op. Who cares if they used a tool to articulate what they were trying to say.
Pan_Duh_Pan_Duh@reddit
Yeah, I don’t think there is a problem using AI to articulate your thoughts better. I tend to be a sarcastic rambler, and having something to shorten my responses with less sarcasm is better for me and the intended recipient.
lesllle@reddit
Ahh that's why it's so over the top supportive
Uncle_Richard98@reddit
Exactly lol thank god I was not the only one noticing the same style
NoBus1065@reddit (OP)
Thanks, I really appreciate this. I think you’ve probably hit on a lot of what I’m feeling. It does feel like everything has stacked up at once and I probably am in survival mode.
I hear what you’re saying about not making a huge decision from a place of panic. For me though, going back to Leeds feels like part of getting that peace back, not running from something. It feels like going toward support, family and a bit of stability.
You’ve given me a lot to think about though, genuinely. Thank you.
Vaultleap@reddit
you're very welcome! your post reminded me of a place i've been before as an expat abroad myself. wishing you and the little one well.
Vivid-Teacher4189@reddit
Thanks ChatGPT. I know you’ll always be supportive.
formerlyforeign@reddit
This is a solid take.
I wish someone had given me this exact advice before I pulled the emergency cord and moved home 10 years ago.
I realized my mistake almost immediately but haven’t yet been able to find my way back overseas.
Beneficial-Style5698@reddit
It’s a big decision to move back, but it does seem like from your post your mind is already made up? The UK has a reliable healthcare network to support you with the birth and afterwards. What’s to say in time you couldn’t go back to Thailand? It’s hard also when kids are young, you can easily feel isolated if you don’t have your support networks around you. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable in your decision at all, I think you are considering all the right questions.
Harvey_Sheldon@reddit
That said you'll meet a lot of fellow-parents when you're walking around with the baby in the pram, going to daycare, and hanging out in the local parks, etc.
Being abroad I was "lonely", but when the child was born I found a lot more connections via the local library, the soft-play areas, etc, etc.
Routine_Jackfruit_38@reddit
Are your parents going to really help? I live in the UK and this is a country where parenting is very difficult.
There is not much to do as the weather spoils most days… think about the trade off moving back to the UK from Thailand.
Then again you’re from here so you might be ok with those things, but I find life here incredibly boring and slow for me and my kids, constantly feel sorry for my boys when all we can offer on bad weather days (which are plenty) is crafts, tv, wet walks..
I do come from a country that people are out and about all the time and people get together constantly outside and i miss that so much.
You’ll have the answer in your heart. Good luck
uzibunny@reddit
I'm really sorry to tell you this if you don't know already, but it's not easy at all to bring your spouse to the UK nowadays. I unfortunately also found out when I was pregnant, and it devastated me, so I'm sorry if this affect you and your pregnancy too. The requirement currently mean you must earn £29k a year (averaged out over 6 month pay slips if PAYE, and 12 months if self employed). Your partners income does not count. Which makes it impossible to meet as someone who will soon be going on maternity leave. To return from the UK with your partner you need to have been earning that abroad, and have a valid job offer starting 3 months of arrival. There is the savings route but it's 88k. If you are shocked at how unfair this is, and how it basically means as a British citizen, you don't have the option or choice to live in your own country with your partner, you're not alone. Please look up Reunite Families UK online and on Facebook - there's a group. We're actively campaigning for change, and to raise awareness of the injustice. I met my Japanese husband in Thailand. I also decided to return to the UK when pregnant and the plan was for him to join me. Then the rules changed when I was 8 months pregnant and the salary requirements went up from 18.6k to 29k and was supposed to go up to 38k but the labour government froze that when they came to power. So my husband couldn't stay and we had to move to Japan when my daughter was 3 months old to a place I'd never been and knew Noone. I'm stuck here until the rules change.
uzibunny@reddit
Another thing I want to add is, I'm so glad I gave birth in the UK. It ended up being a traumatic birth, I had an emergency caesarian and my daughter was born not breathing. She needed to be resuscitated and had to spend a week on a ventilator in NICU. Luckily I gave birth in an NHS hospital which had a NICU. If she'd been born in a small hospital, without one, or one abroad, there's a strong chance she would've died. All of this was for free under the NHS. Just saying, you don't know how your birth will go. Not to scare you. But please consider it seriously. I am so so grateful that I returned to the UK to give birth because of how it played out. What would happen if you had a difficult birth or there was complications in Thailand?
Practical_Support177@reddit
You have a baby coming in a foreign country working a dead end job
Yeah you should probably get your shit together
Upbeat-Active-2741@reddit
You are an ... You are talking to somebody pregnant and distressed. The bare human decency would be to at least be kind when giving advice.
Upbeat-Active-2741@reddit
Girl, go home. Prioritize your baby. I made the mistake of staying as an expat and now that my daughter is almost two I’m getting ready to be back home because I desperately need my safety network around. And you will too, especially during your postpartum period. If you are already worrying and feeling a bit anxious it’s better to take action because certain feelings will deepen once your baby is born and if you could avoid going through that emotional ride of uncertainty it will be best for you.
PappaOftwoKids@reddit
Hey, Dont take any fast decission based on money
spekoek@reddit
If you don’t feel stable or supported, then go where you have that feeling the best. Children demand lots of resources for their upbringing and the wellbeing of their parents.
There is a risk that wherever you have that child, you will be stuck there for the next eighteen years. If a couple separates, then it’s highly unlikely a child will ever be raised elsewhere (especially if there are multiple nationalities involved).
pazhalsta1@reddit
You will need employment paying more than £29000/year to sponsor your husband- might be a challenge whilst having a baby.
Maleficent-Eye-4565@reddit
Follow your heart ❤️. You need your family. Fresh perspective will come once you get to the uk… your peace and right headspace before giving birth is more important to you and your baby.
YooYooYoo_@reddit
Healthcare would be a big one for me but oh man do I envy you for living in Koh Samui…
lesllle@reddit
What would you and your partner do for work once in Leeds? Would your partner be able to move to the UK even? Are there waitlists for GP's in the area you would go? It sounds like your finances are not in order and the UK is definitively more expensive than Thailand. You need to look at the logistics and crunch some numbers.
DiaBall@reddit
All fun and games until life gets serious. You head back to the motherland for that security, health insurance, social programs while not paying into the system for years. Yup
callipygian0@reddit
You need to be able to prove to the nhs that you have genuinely moved back and aren’t just coming back for medical care temporarily. Otherwise they will charge you for the care.
amora_obscura@reddit
No pension, no investments, no support system, with a baby on the way.. yes, I think it’s time to create a more stable living situation. However, you need to think about how your partner could come join you, considering immigration laws.
FinestTreesInDa7Seas@reddit
Housing in Thailand does have a lot of instability. Thailand is very pro-landlord in its regulations and laws. Tenant rights are very substandard.
You're going through a major stage in life right now. You're probably stressed and worried about doing this so far away from your support system, and more familiar comforts. This seems very natural to me.
Do you have insurance that will help with the costs of childbirth in Thailand? If you have private insurance in Thailand, you'll benefit from getting much more high end health care than what the NHS offers in the UK. Thailand's hospitals are world class, and private health care in Thailand is terrific.
You will be covered by the NHS in the UK, but only if you establish residence there. If you choose the UK, would you be planning on establishing a residence there?
If you choose the UK, consider the fact that you and your partner will have the added stress of needing to find new careers. Is that something you can manage with your stress load, even if you can put it off until after birth?
ChessIsAwesome@reddit
Yes. Don't go to the UK.
mmoonbelly@reddit
We moved back from the Houston to London when my wife was six months pregnant. We were on L visas and both had good jobs.
The main drivers were the time zone difference with our parents making it difficult to talk, worry about what might happen during childbirth. And a few cultural differences between Europe and Texas (we’re a UK/FR couple) - nothing major, just small things.
We were balancing leaving a place that was really well set up for young families - while the Americans will worry about the risks in their schools, their entire society is set up to be supportive for school and children’s activities (eg little league, football (both types) scouts etc), and left knowing that we were about three years away from really experiencing that side of the US.
Moving to the UK on the practical side could only be made with me having a decent job lined up there.
But the move went well. Luckily the NHS is great and adapted quickly, patient needs first.
And having parents able to visit us and wider family nearby was really really important to us.
govnyuuk@reddit
If you can bunk with family for a while, you should go and wait to see if this business takes off or not. Raising a child is a huge thing; you absolutely need to have that support network in place.
oz229@reddit
Maybe ask what your mother sister brother housekeeper thinks! I couldn’t be bothered to finish reading this endless monologue of a boring first world problem
oreo-cat-@reddit
What’s cool about Reddit is you don’t have to read. Or comment.
oz229@reddit
Then you should choose not to if you so please
SweetAlyssumm@reddit
Please go back to the UK for your child's sake. I see no reason for staying in Thailand from that point of view.
What life are you blowing up? You don't even have stable housing.
oofieoofty@reddit
Yes move home. It’s extremely stressful to have a baby without family around to help
smoothy1973@reddit
Do you have a proper UK teaching licence to teach in public or private schools? Or just a TEFL certificate to teach overseas? That makes a big difference. If properly accredited, you could get financially stable in the UK much quicker and return to Thailand or another overseas post later on.
LegoPandora@reddit
I get those nostalgic feelings too. Being able to walk into town, a British supermarket, proper cosy country pubs…there’s a lot to consider here. Upping sticks and moving back to the UK is a big decision to make, especially at the moment, and considering you’re pregnant too. If you move back to the UK, what will you do financially? It’s far more expensive to live there than in Thailand (which I’m sure you know).
You also said you have fallen out of love with teaching. Could this be a school thing? Could you stick it out and look at new opportunities next year? I’m assuming you’ve had to declare intent by now. There are other locations within Thailand where the pay would be better, but will likely be a different way of living to Koh Samui.
I know people who went back to their home countries to give birth, and returned once maternity leave was over. Could this be an option? Is there room for negotiation with your employer? Could you take unpaid leave to be able to go back to the UK earlier and return later (e.g., taking a full year? I don’t know what the policy of your school is.).
As another poster said - it sounds like you’ve lost your peace. However, finding it again is hard when you don’t know what that really looks like. Maybe talking to a therapist will help you to get some clarity. If you can’t find a local therapist, there are many in the UK that offer online sessions and will happily work with Brits overseas.