GenX’ers Born preterm (incubator baby)
Posted by skin_e0909@reddit | GenX | View on Reddit | 88 comments
I’m M47, and I’ve recently started to reflect on how my early life might still be affecting me today.
I was born about two months premature in the late 1970s and spent the first two months of my life in an incubator. As far as I know, there was very limited physical contact with my mother during that time. My father was not present.
For most of my life I’ve functioned well on the outside: I’m highly educated, have worked in responsible roles, and have a stable family with a partner and two young children. However, underneath that, I’ve always experienced a kind of constant inner restlessness — a sense that I need to keep moving forward, as if things will be better “later,” but not quite now.
About 2 years ago I had a burnout, which forced me to slow down and reflect more deeply. Since then, I’ve started to wonder whether my early start in life — being premature and spending time in an incubator — may have influenced how my nervous system developed, especially in terms of stress, attachment, and the ability to relax.
Some patterns I recognize in myself:
difficulty truly resting or feeling at ease in the present
a tendency to rely on myself rather than others
feeling uncomfortable with certain types of authority or abstract organizational structures
finding it easier to “keep going” than to slow down
a kind of underlying tension, even when things are objectively fine
At the same time, I have built a stable life and relationships, and I’m trying to understand myself better rather than pathologize anything.
I’m curious if there are others here who were also born prematurely and spent time in an incubator, especially in earlier decades when physical contact may have been limited.
How has that affected you as an adult, if at all? Do you recognize similar patterns, or something completely different?
I’d really appreciate hearing your experiences.
hondobrode@reddit
59 year old male here. My mother lost 3 before I was born. I was born exactly 3 months early and weighed 2 lbs 10 ounces. The next day I had lost 5 ounces. They were all sure I wasn’t going to make it but I bounced back. Mom recently told me my APGAR ? score was almost the highest they had seen.
I was 2.5 months in the incubator. From what I’m told I had nothing but the best care at the hospital. I never breast fed; Mom’s nipples were too big for my tiny mouth.
My entire family and their friends all prayed for me and I was their little prince.
My coordination was extremely poor. I was always picked last for everything. I was behind in school and got beat up regularly until I was 8. Then things caught up and no one ever beat me up again. In fact, I protected others from bullies.
I’m a lifelong comic book reader and collector. As an adult I go to conventions here and there and pick some stuff up, but I’m really there to meet the creatives that write and produce them; I buy original published pages, prints, portfolios, books on the history of the medium and business. It’s obviously my passion. I have ~ 30,000 pieces; my library takes a room and my bookcases in the living room is stuffed with books, tin toys, and art.
The reason I share this is because my mother bought my first comic and it was just a few months after that my 4 color passion fired my brain. I just realized this in meditation last year. I think the two are related.
I’m in perfect health, what I call Superman genes, though I have high cholesterol and type two diabetes. They are both very much under control and not a problem. I have been depressed for about the last 30 years my first wife divorced me and took our four children and pretty much everything I owned, except for my comic book collection over the years. I’ve been married and divorced three times since with a couple girlfriends in between I swore after the last divorce, I would not get married again and I am not however the good news is I met a fantastic woman who has also been divorced a couple times and we are perfect for each other and we both agree. We are not getting married, but we are happily monogamous and both lived in our separate homes and get together on the weekends or whenever so that part is great.
Sadly, since that first big divorce, my twin daughters were only four at the time and I worked two jobs because my wife stayed home with our four children. I spend as much time with them as I could, but it is usually part of Saturday and Sunday. I’m good with my oldest too, but the younger twin girls are very distant and in fact, one of them has blocked me completely and says a few words to me at Christmas and that’s it. I feel like I’m not a very good father, but I’m working my ass off to try to leave them a decent nest and at least to help them in their kids. I think about that every day.
The one big thing that I do have wrong with me is I have degenerative vertebrae. I’ve had to have had two double fusions on my back with titanium and I’m really due for another surgery. I can feel it. I’m in pain every day and have been for most of my life despite being very physically fit. My therapist told me bending, lifting and twisting, are your enemies, and I have a physical limitation of Only being able to lift or should lift 10 pounds.
My mother believes, and I do as well that that was a direct result of being a premature baby. Another thing that I should mention is that before I turned eight and things kind of caught up, I was terrified of everything. And when I say everything I mean everything and I still remember those feelings and yet today, I’m not afraid of anything and I don’t have a problem with authority, figures, and pushing back when I feel it’s appropriate of course with tact.
I’m so glad this Thread and community exist and we can learn from each other
Ok_Tangelo2083@reddit
Preemie mom here, living this stuff with my child as we speak.
What you're describing all makes sense. Your neuological system developed in a different way than a full-term child. Was recently chatting with our OT about these sorts of things exactly. While there are likely psychological elements to what you're describing, there is also likely biological impact based on both prematurity itself AND your experiences in the NICU. I really would consider reaching out to an occupational therapist with experience in working with adults.
Also, I noticed that a lot of the comments are leaning into the idea of childhood neglect (which is incredibly damaging to a developing child), but it isn't exactly analagous to a preemie's experience. Your tiny body was dealing with a lack of physical touch, but it was also developing skin, and brain pathways and an entire nervous system out in the world, all while experiencing medical tests and equipment like respiratory therapy etc. It is a sensory nightmare and affects the way that your body deals with stress and input. I'm in no way minimizing the effects of neglect; however, the situation is quite different.
Have you looked at https://www.reddit.com/r/prematuritysurvivors/? It's a group of adult survivors of prematurity, who share their experiences. It might be a useful place to explore. Also, I read a book that really expanded my thinking about prematurity...Early: An Intimate History of Premature Birth and What It Teaches Us About Being Human – Where Science and Ethics Collide in the NICU by Sarah DiGregorio. I think you'd find it particularly interesting because it covers the full history of how premature babies have been treated, both medically and emotionally.
Anyhow, I think its a good thing to go back and think about this stuff. You and your family lived through a heavy-duty event and there's no way that it wouldn't have impacted you and the way your family worked.
hondobrode@reddit
Thank you for this
skin_e0909@reddit (OP)
Thanks for this very thorough perspective. It show how complex this all is… when was you child born? I know nowadays their is por possibilities for contact between mom and child… to make things as good as possible
Ok_Tangelo2083@reddit
He was born in the last 10 years, and you're right...such a hugely diffferent experience than you would have had. I didn't get to hold him for the first several days because he needed to stabilize, but by day three we were doing skin to skin contact even though he was still connected to the machine. They involved me in all of his care from the start and I was able to stay with him all day, every day. Also, the NICU looks a lot different than it used to: lighting is always low and there are strict controls related to sound. They used weights and special pillows to hold his body and make him feel more secure. So much has changed, and even still it's a pretty long, hard road afterwards. The gestational age of viability when you were born was about 28 weeks (would have been too late for my little guy) but now it is more like 22/23. It really is amazing.
skin_e0909@reddit (OP)
Yeah for science! 🍀
cellomom26@reddit
54 year old female here. Born 6 weeks premature, 3 lbs. 5 oz. Spent 5 weeks in the incubator.
Supposedly my parents rarely visited me while I was in the NICU.
Very little contact with them today. I've always been extremely independent.
Majestic_Neck6624@reddit
I’m exactly the same in terms of start. Born ‘79. 8 weeks premature under 3lbs and incubator…. But I have zero ambition or drive. I love life and nothing bothers me at all. I don’t think your mindset or personality is driven by being in an incubator for 2 months when born
skin_e0909@reddit (OP)
Thanks for sharing. How do you cope without ambition or drive as an adult?
Majestic_Neck6624@reddit
Cope? That doesn’t really register. I just don’t care about stuff so have no thoughts or need to excel. I have a good job and financially secure but zero passion. My passion is at home doing the things I love. Maybe my brain is wired differently but I don’t understand people who worry about work
ImaginaryBadger3492@reddit
Yes. 54 years old male. Born 3.5 months premature (weighing just under 2 lbs.) In incubator for 6 months. My father was a Doctor and worked at hospital where I was born. He kept watch over me. They didn’t hold babies in those years… and physical affection was not something I grew up after age 8 or thereabouts? My mother had a stillborn after me. A girl. I grew up an only child with no siblings or cousins. I only met my grandparents maybe 6-7 times. I was slow to develop physically compared to other kids, and didn’t really get “normal sized” until 8-9… Puny. My parents died early- when I was in my mid-20s… I have had lung problems-very susceptible to chest colds, asthmatic, etc- have often wondered about if it stems from being premature? Relationships? Engaged twice, but they got “cold feet” I still keep in touch with one-She is a very good friend! The other was the love of my life, and it shattered me for 3-4 years after. I’ve had relationships since then but I tend to attract “emotionally distant woman” or cluster b personality types. Years of therapy and books have made me recognize “red flags” although I find myself too giving, too much of a nice guy and putting up with behavior that is really unacceptable. I’m a work in progress—-trying to recover from the last relationship and rebuild my life with chronic pain, permanent health issues, and Parkinson’s after being homeless 10 years ago. Hope this helps?
TowelFine6933@reddit
Sounds like a typical Gen Xer, honestly.
EastAd7676@reddit
This is what I was thinking as I ticked off each description. I was born in 1966 and wasn’t premature.
skin_e0909@reddit (OP)
Well there is a lot of reasons why people are like they are… do you mind sharing what made you read and react to my comments? What activated you?
EastAd7676@reddit
There’s ALWAYS something that I think should I should be doing instead of resting: household chores, yard care… Just the need to be doing something productive. And it’s not going to be done to my satisfaction unless I do it myself. That’s just how I was taught and raised. The only people I trust to help me with a large project is my wife, a fellow Gen Xer (happily married 41 years) who is the same way along with our three kids and their spouses.
As far as trusting authority figures, that flew out the window when I was still in elementary school in the 1970s. Parents, teachers, politicians and other adults lied so much just to make sure nobody rocked the boat and toed the line. Catching people in lies and being acutely accurate in sensing bullshit is very common in Gen X people.
skin_e0909@reddit (OP)
☺️ so you think it’s just a genX thing… well that thought does bring things in a more positive perspective… and I must say that the “being practical” thing of GenX always strongly resonated on me
WaterwingsDavid@reddit
I was born 3 months premature and was not expected to survive. Spent several months in an incubator before my parents brought me home. My dad was obsessively overprotective of me as a young child due to the difficulties surrounding my birth.
I believe i may be on the autism spectrum, possibly asbergers. Ive always had very specific, defined interests and sensitivity to certain outside stimuli.
As an adult I struggle with anxiety and depression. Ive been reading and learning much about regulating emotions and being in functional freeze. My parents were both silent generation. Topics like mental health and depression were avoided. If i tried to be open with what I was feeling, mom would summarily dismiss what I had to say. In some ways it was a very lonely childhood and that loneliness has continued into adulthood.
skin_e0909@reddit (OP)
Thanks for sharing. Yeah selfregulation and staying out of freeze or constant flight is really a thing… any suggestions for books or info you read and care to share?
WaterwingsDavid@reddit
I follow the Holistic psychologist and Dr Lenna -heal your nervous system on Instagram. Currently I'm reading Reparenting The Inner Child by Dr Nichole LePera. It brought up some surprisingly strong emotions/ sadness. But I am determined to be the cycle breaker, especially since id like to be a dad at some point. And I will NOT put my kids thru dealing with either my trauma or what my parents did!!
LazyDramaLlama68@reddit
Preterm, and put up for adoption
skin_e0909@reddit (OP)
I am amazed how many people her where preterm and in an adoption…
ivyjade42@reddit
This is interesting. My brother was born a month premature in 72 and you sound a lot like him. Thanks for sharing!
skin_e0909@reddit (OP)
Thanks for the compliment. Hope your brother is well.
Jumbly_Girl@reddit
Three of us born to an uninterested mother, one full term who lived with her 12 months, me over-term who lived with her 1 month, and the youngest who was premie under 5 pounds and in an incubator and lived with her 0 months. The youngest and I are very similar, despite different gestational periods, and different homes where we ended up living (different grandparents). I've always thought lack of the mother is what drove us to mistrust and extreme independence.
skin_e0909@reddit (OP)
Recognizable. And how are you coping now as an adult? What helps you, or what would help you?
Jumbly_Girl@reddit
Most of what you described in your post is similar for me. I relate to the part in the movie Mystic River where there's a description of someone who has been in prison and how their shoulders will never actually relax. Not like it's a conscious or measurable amount of stress, more like a different base level of vigilance.
Coping, I don't know if that's how it feels to me more like I'm just aware that I am different. Guarded optimism when things are going right, massive amounts of overthinking and over-planning on anything I do that's outside of my day-to-day activities.
I'm lucky to have two good friends whom I trust completely. I've been at my current workplace for long enough to be pretty relaxed there and show my personality and share my humor with them instead of just being the efficiency machine that I am when working any job.
I think it just took time to get comfortable with the present. At some point you can look around and see that, despite being unaware of all the small components, that you've built a living situation that works for you and maybe you can sit down and enjoy it.
Otherwise-Toe-5380@reddit
I’ve wondered about this. I was born in 72, 3 pounds, and incubated for the first 3 weeks. They anticipated a failure to thrive, but aside from raging adhd and all the fun that accompanies that, I’ve been mostly ok. However, who knows whether a history of nervous system dysfunction can be attributed to being a preemie or adhd. Probably both. So yeah, that’s been awesome.
Extension_Case3722@reddit
I’m adopted and my birth mother hid her pregnancy until she was like 6 months pregnant, she lived at home. I do think her desire to not be pregnant and the fact I was whisked away after I was born did a number. She said she only knew she had a girl by the hospital band had something on it that clued her in. I was in a foster home longer than I should have been because she wanted to pretend the whole thing never happened. I had good adoptive parents but I think all that negative emotional energy in utero and actual abandonment left a scar. My adoptive mom can’t fathom that because I was so wanted.
skin_e0909@reddit (OP)
Wow, I feel you. I notice that my post resonates with people like you that have experienced neglect, stress, disconnection as a child, similar to the incubator situation. It’s good to see how we can share experiences. What would you say would help you most right now?
theinvisablewoman@reddit
I lived with my birth father untill i was around 1 or so, then my birth mother went to court to get custody of me, i think missing out on the inital first few weeks of critical bonding meant i never learnt those feelings or behaviours. I certainly relate to your list of feelings. It always makes me very sad that adoption has those crucial weeks gap, international adoption even longer gaps.
Komaisnotsalty@reddit
I wasn't a preemie - I was born right on time (2 weeks early, but was still 8lbs 11oz), but I had yellow jaundice so bad and my liver was in a horrible state and had a very high fever, so I was incubated and kept nearly isolated for 2 weeks.
Once I got home, I was maybe a month old - so barely 2 weeks later - when my mom went back to work, so there was a pretty huge disconnect right from the start.
I have older siblings - they were all teenagers or close to it when I was born, and my sister was stuck looking after me when I wasn't being babysat - something she still resents me for to this day, like it was my choice and decision.
The patterns you've listed, I used to have all of them. Therapy in my 40s helped a ton, and so I've long dealt with the not being able to rest/relax, but my intense independence streak and lack of trust/connection to my family has never gone away.
intothinhair@reddit
Fascinating reflections, OP. While my support isn’t quite the same as yours, there are some interesting parallels.
I was born in 1976 and was diagnosed as a ‘failure to thrive’ baby. I was given up for adoption at birth and was placed in a foster home for the first few months of my life, where I am told I had extreme difficulty with feeding and colic. Eventually, a severe tongue tie was discovered and addressed.
What I did not receive in the early months of my life was attachment. Or nourishment. Overall, I think that my parents did a good job helping to create the feeling of safety when I was a young child, but their marriage really started to dissolve when I was about 7 years old. They didn’t divorce until I was 31.
I’m also highly educated and married with an awesome daughter. I struggle with sleep, and I struggle to find connection. I’m working hard to understand the physiological component of my sleep (I’m a health care professional, and it is very complex!) and also trying to understand how my childhood impacts my relationships.
I find that there is a difference in who I want to be and who I am, and I feel an incredible amount of pressure to do better. I wish I could just be good enough.
skin_e0909@reddit (OP)
The feeling of not being good enough is recognizable… but I have learned recently that this feeling probably will never go away … I guess we have to make peace with that part of ourselves
Lower_Classroom835@reddit
So you mind sharing why that feeling of not being good enough can't be resolved?
skin_e0909@reddit (OP)
Well I do think it can get better… but more in de sense of “you can live with it”. The attachment style you develop and the imprinting your body and mind does as a child shapes you for a good reason… it’s a survival mechanism. You learned, this is how I have to cope, otherwise I am in danger. I have to take care of myself and the only way to do that is to constantly do my best (because I am a child) and give my best. Does that resonate on you?
Lower_Classroom835@reddit
Yes, I mentioned it in another reply. I'm in a long term marriage to a very reliable man. But since the beginning of our life I was working very hard to earn enough to be able to support the family on my own if needed. I also worked on developing other skills, like painting my own house, deck, fixing things. Not knowing how to ask for help bites me at work, bit I will be able to retire early, so there is the benefit.
fosterhamster@reddit
Sending you peace as well. <3
Quix66@reddit
Born in 1966, spent about six weeks in an incubator a few hours away from home. Parents were visiting the grandparents from out of town.
To this day, I am not very connected to my mother who I don’t understand returned to her hometown two hours away from the hospital while I was in the NICU following the death of my identical twin. I don’t think we ever bonded.
I would say a lot of what you’ve suggested is very true for me. Highly strong nervous system prone to burn out. Hard for me to relax, insomnia, since teen years, difficult to relax, following emotional stress, such as an argument or anything.
I have restarted therapy to work on these things, especially working on attachment styles and other trauma informed therapy.
Think I’m going back into weights swimming. If I remember correctly, they provided more grounding and comfort and relaxation in my body.
skin_e0909@reddit (OP)
Yeah, I also feel that swimming and exercise helps. I never really had attention for my body, in the sense that I always expected it to just be there form me. I started having pain in my body, especially my elbows, and with unexpected touch from others (like my kids). and it seems that getting in touch with my own body and paying attention is what is missing. Like I am disconnected to my body as well. I don’t know if any of this makes any sense to you…
Quix66@reddit
I do understand.
Lower_Classroom835@reddit
Thank you
Lower_Classroom835@reddit
Does it happen to you that you ignore pain for a long time? I've had a pain in my foot for 5 years before I finally went to see the doctor after I started limping and couldn't mask it any more.
I also like to exercise but to the max, and if my body is not in discomfort the next day I don't feel like it was a good workout. I like things like running long stretches and advanced long hold yoga where I need to push my body to the limit.
The more I read about you, the more is coming to the surface for me. I really should sit and take a long look at myself.
skin_e0909@reddit (OP)
Yes, what you describe also comes from felling of not being good enough and always expecting the most of yourself. And that always worked for me and made me quite succesfull in life and professionally. But now I am 47 and I realize this comes with a physical price. But it’s good to know that and things can change or at least you can be more conscious about things…
skin_e0909@reddit (OP)
I wonder what would help you in this time of your life?
Lower_Classroom835@reddit
I could not stop reading this because I relate in every single step your wrote except your most important one, I was not in the incubator.
My mom believes I was born prematurely because I was 5lb 2oz.
My parents loved me and provided me the care and so my needs were met. However, they were emotionally distant.
I don't have memories of sitting on my mom's or dad's lap, or being hugged, or kissed. We never cuddled, we rarely did anything for fun together.
My parents were always busy doing stuff. My mother has OCD personality and she would constantly clean the house, vacuum floor after each meal, rearrange all the drawers and cupboards... My dad was busy with his hobbies. I was mostly on my own.
At 5 years old, they had enough with unreliable babysitters so I was staying home alone. At 6 i started school, and I would get up in the morning, get myself ready, and go to school 20 min walk, I lived in the city.
They were caring parents. Mom would prepare the clothes for me, leave me breakfast on the table, and small change to get my self an ice cream on the way home.
I had a key around my neck to get into the house after school. They got me a key in gold color, I never saw anyone have a key like that. Possibly my dad painted it for me.
Just like you, I was always very responsible. I never got into trouble, started reading at an very early age, have two science degrees, good job, great husband and kids.
I am also uncomfortable with authorities, I rarely speak my mind, and when I do, I reprimand my self later. I am restless, full of tension, and uncomfortable in most places except my immediate environment.
I'm thriving on the outside and even my husband can't see my turmoil. But I'm rarely comfortable inside my skin. I mask it, and function well at work and with friends, but I only allow very few people to get close to me which is opposite of what it looks like. Most find me friendly and social, but I it is learned behavior.
So I am an enigma to myself, I cannot still figure it out, and it's been puzzling me since I became aware of how controversial all of that is.
I am sorry if my post cannot help you since I was not in the incubator, but I hope it helps you in knowing, you are not alone in this.
skin_e0909@reddit (OP)
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. Your experiences neglect is very similar to my situation. And all interaction is welcome and helpful. I have had a lot of help in the last years and I have the feeling that what people like us need most is a community of likewise people to share experiences more than anything else. What are your thoughts on that?
Lower_Classroom835@reddit
I find reading your post very helpful as it tells me I'm not alone on my island. We may not have exact circumstances, but both have arrived to the same outcome. I have been well functioning my whole life, just my inner world is off, and that's who I am.
As I'm writing this at 3am, I'm up because my neighbor's child has been crying for an hour. He cries every evening, and then some more through the night. Every night.. as they let him cry himself to sleep. How disturbing is that? Here is another person in making who will be similar adult as us, wondering what happened to him.
Gloomy-Community-199@reddit
A few years ago I was at a conference about education. One of the speakers talked about recent research that discussed the importance of contact between mother and newborn from birth. As I listened it was all I could do not to sob in front of a bunch of strangers.
I was born via emergency c-section. For whatever reason, no one brought me from the nursery to my mom. According to her, days went by, people would visit, say the baby is beautiful, stuff like that, but she had no idea. Finally one day her ob came in, my mom started sobbing. She thought I had died and everyone was lying to her. It wasn’t until then 3-5 days later, that she finally held me.
I’ve grown up always feeling like the black sheep of the family. Even now, at 56, I feel very unconnected. Since I heard those statistics I’ve wondered if that’s why.
skin_e0909@reddit (OP)
Thanks for sharing. Your experiences neglect as a baby must have had impact on your imprinting and attachment to your mother. I am wondering what what would help you right now to get better?
SchoolForSedition@reddit
I recognise the description but was two weeks late.
skin_e0909@reddit (OP)
Yeah, many factors contribute to adult personality and behavior traits. It’s just that I started realizing that preterm incubator time might have a much larger effect then I realized…
Boom_Gate_Lady@reddit
This is very interesting to me. I experience all of those things and I had a mother who was very hands off and touched her children as little as possible. I've always wondered if that was the cause .
skin_e0909@reddit (OP)
Well it seems there’s a connection. I mean it works both ways, mothers being absent has an influence on a baby, but I am sure having a preterm birth and a baby in an incubator is traumatic for a mother and might influence her being distant for her own protection and way of coping.
Lower_Classroom835@reddit
I think the time in the incubator where you were deprived of human touch and lack of being comforted by loving hands might play a big role. But as you can see, there are other ways we get that way even without the incubator.
Lower_Classroom835@reddit
My parents were not cuddly either, I wrote the whole story above. I never felt neglected as they cared for my needs, except the emotional ones.
There was no validation, no playing, laughing, much tension in the house as my parents were always busy and had little time for my childish shenanigans.
Optimal-Ad-7074@reddit
I'm a month preemie (1965) and was incubated. so were both of my sibs. I don't put much weight on that factor, personally.
it's my belief temperaments are largely inborn, having seen my own kid arrive right on time and show many very familiar traits. and having met so many inherently placid or social babies who had personalities as distinctive as his (but totally different) right from the jump.
ZweitenMal@reddit
I was born 4 days only and have always been a restless, daydreaming loner. Sometimes it’s just us.
Cool-Impression007@reddit
Your description of being a restless, daydreaming loner describes me perfectly! Except I was one day late. It’s just how we are.
Boom_Gate_Lady@reddit
4 days early?
ZweitenMal@reddit
Yes, fixed.
Designer_End5408@reddit
The keep going rather than to slow down hits hard for me.
skin_e0909@reddit (OP)
Thanks for sharing. Can you explain how it touches you?
Designer_End5408@reddit
lol but sure - been on warrior mode since 17. Can’t turn it off.
BookNerdUnicorn@reddit
I relate to this too. It feels safer than slowing down. (I was not in an incubator but I was separated from my parents for several months in my first year.)
anosmia1974@reddit
This is such a fascinating discussion!
I’m not a preemie (I was born two weeks late in ‘74; my laziness and penchant for procrastination were evident from the start) but I was born with a pretty severe case of craniosynostosis (two of my skull sutures were fused shut. I had a craniotomy and one week-hospitalization at two months and then again at six months when the opened sutures re-fused.
Though I was cared for at a fantastic teaching hospital (Hershey Medical Center), I was only the second CS case they’d ever seen, so their treatments were a bit primitive by today’s standards. I also know from my mom that some of the nurses were a bit rough with me. Like, they would tape a pacifier into my mouth to stop me from crying. She shut that shit down when she was there, but since she wasn’t allowed to sleep in my room at night, I was without her protection for hours each night. She caught the pacifier thing being done at least twice.
Obviously, I was not hospitalized for nearly as long as you, and I wasn’t restricted from loving touch as much as you. I did have my mom with me for a few hours each day while I was in the hospital. But I’ve always wondered if the experience—and its lack of steady bonding time—contributed to facets of my personality. It maybe doesn’t help that was born without a sense of smell and therefore couldn’t bond with her through scent.
I’m very much a lone wolf, though I love my family and my awesome friends. I prefer to do nearly everything alone, from traveling abroad to going to the movies. I can easily go for weeks or months without socializing and I’m A-OK with that. I’m not wild about being touched (especially on/near my neck; interestingly, the doctors used to hold me down to withdraw blood from my neck) and I do struggle to bond with new people.
It’s totally possible none of this has to do with the hospitalizations, especially since I’m an introvert by nature. However, they say “the body keeps the score,” so why shouldn’t we wonder if our medical traumas in infancy had an effect on us?
Years ago I read this in a journal article:
Empirical studies suggest that for young children, especially those aged between 6 months and 4 years, a single hospital admission of more than one week and multiple hospital admissions increases the risk of both short-term and long-term disorder some years later.
The evidence as to whether hospitalization for infants under 6 months has any persistent negative effects is however equivocal. For example, Schaffer and Callender (1959) and Douglas (1975) found no adverse effects on the infant if admission was before the age of 6 months. However, some more recent studies of low-birthweight babies, cared for in special baby care units, have indicated that early hospitalization may have an adverse effect on the mother-infant bond and subsequently on parenting behavior.
skin_e0909@reddit (OP)
What a fascinating story. As I mentioned before, it startled me tar medical professionals seemed to believe that babies can’t feel pain. Can you imagine the impact of that idea on babies. I mean the pacifier taping example says it all… wow I am just speechless… Check this out: https://www.jpain.org/article/S1526-5900(13)00025-4/fulltext
anosmia1974@reddit
Oooh, this is going to be a good read! Thank you! It astounds me that medical professionals believed that babies couldn’t feel pain. WTF!
Sudden_Idea9384@reddit
What an interesting idea. I am curious OP, if you also had to parent your parent or had to be “fiercely independent” for some reason.
skin_e0909@reddit (OP)
My mom was 20 when I was born and my dad had left her when she was pregnant. It must hav even hard in her as well. I never felt a living connection with my mom. I mean we like each other and she is great with my little kids as a grandmother, but I feels more like we always were their for each other because we had to. I always had the feeling that I had to take care off myself in life… and now I understand that being alone in that incubator does an unprintable in a baby that actually… I have to take care off myself because their is no one to protect you … it’s sad, but it also gave me a lot of positive things… like a tremendous independence form others
Johoski@reddit
F56, and induced a month early weighing 4.3 lbs. I spent some time in the incubator, I think a month. I asked my mother recently if she had any memories of going to the hospital to see me after I had been born, and she didn't. All of the stories she told about my infancy as I was growing up was that I was a lazy baby, didn't do anything, just sat there like a lump, and that when I came home from the hospital, everyone wanted to hold me. "You were held so much!"
There is only one picture I've seen of my mother and me from my infancy. I'm swaddled and propped up at one end of a bassinet, and my mother is seated in a chair at the opposite end, looking disengaged and unhappy. I imagine that she might have had PPD, and I know that my parents' marriage was falling apart at the time. But this photo captures what I've always noticed from my mother, a lack of active, engaged love. She ticked the parenting boxes, and helped me with money when I was divorcing, but there's an emotional gap that's never been filled.
DirtyLikeASewer@reddit
A strange phenomena ive read about with incubator babies it the association of pain with love and contact, and babies smiling at pain. Every interaction in the incubator and every touch often comes with pain. And at that time, very little affectionate touch could be given. I have often wondered if this carried through into adulthood and how it may manifest. If anyone cares to share?
Mobile_Ad_9090@reddit
That’s funny and in some ways makes sense, but I was born 2 months premature and had several surgeries/got poked a lot and I have a pretty low pain tolerance (not Gen X, just just this post)
skin_e0909@reddit (OP)
That’s an interesting thought. I had a therapist that confronted me with the fact that whenever I felt about something that I would “laugh”. But it’s always a very unreal laugh, like a lush to try and hide the uncomfortable feeling or situation… I still have that.. when I am uncomfortable I laugh… while inside I feel like crying or screaming… thanks for sharing this
Demostecles@reddit
Born at 4 weeks early.
Incubator.
Double pneumonia.
Home two weeks.
Hospital with pneumonia again.
I’ve always felt separated and distant.
I prefer my own company and take people and groups in small doses.
I’m content with me.
skin_e0909@reddit (OP)
Yeah, feeling depressed and distant sounds familiar.. and being alone is something I realized I really need to fuel back up again
Butterfly_Cat777@reddit
I was a '65 preemie born several months too early weighing exactly 4 pounds. Then spending the next few months in a hospital incubator with no physical contact with my parents, just hospital nurses. Physically I have always had a slightly lazy left eye and found out just a few years ago that one of my kidneys is smaller than the other one. Personality-wise, I can be a bit of a loner. I can be in a room full of people and sometimes still want to be alone. Just chilling out alone with music or a book instead of a wild party has always been my thing. Being isolated early on could have a factor in that...or not lol.
QuirkyForever@reddit
Yep. I was 4lbs when I was born preemie (probably because the doc told my mom in 1969/70 that she wasn't supposed to gain weight in pregnancy. !!!). I've read that being born premature can contribute to depression - I've been on and off dealing with depression all my life. I can relate to pretty much everything on that list.
skin_e0909@reddit (OP)
Thanks for sharing. 🍀
MaximumJones@reddit
I was actually a 10 month baby. Even before I was born I knew I didn't want to be around people. 😁
tranquilseafinally@reddit
lol
mahonia_pinnata@reddit
two weeks late here. Agreed. Lol.
MaximumJones@reddit
RCA2CE@reddit
I was born exactly when I was supposed to be.
fosterhamster@reddit
I did not have the same start that you did, but I did have attachment problems due to parental neglect, and it sounds like that is what you are describing. I disagree with a prior commenter who says this is normal adult behavior.
I have recently started looking at my autonomic nervous system and how the two branches work (or don't) together. I think that it is possible that attachment problems do lead to nervous system changes that affect us so deeply we don't even realize we shouldn't feel the way we do. The first "clue" that something maybe wasn't working as well as it should was the realization that other people can actually sleep and wake up restored. I sleep, but the quality is terrible. After doing all of the sleep hygiene improvements I could led to little change, I started looking deeper.
EMDR can also be very helpful for repressed trauma and yes, I believe spending the first 2 months of your life in an incubator caused great trauma.
Wishing you well <3
skin_e0909@reddit (OP)
Thanks, yes I also looked at “vagal nerve” knowledge on this… I never had sleeping problems until about three years ago when I started having burn out symptoms. I recognize restoring when sleeping is difficult now…
Only-Hedgehog-6772@reddit
Born in 1966 several months early. Spent months in hospital sick, then waiting to be adopted. I have a unique, deadpan, serious, intellectual personality. I really don't bond completely with anyone. Relationships can be unstable, even long term. I love my BF of 18 years as much as I'm going to care for anyone, but if he left tomorrow, I'd be OK. My therapist and I suspect undiagnosed "on the spectrum." However, I'm completely happy with things the way they are. I enjoy being alone. I work nights with minimal contact with others. It's taken a long time for me to love myself after never fitting in. If people don't like me now, they can go fuck themselves.
Cinisajoy2@reddit
Also premature here and no it has not affected my adult life. Everything you just described is normal adult behavior.
The only side effect from my childhood is my feet bother me at times especially the left one. That came from a 22 bullet going through it when I was 2.
skin_e0909@reddit (OP)
☺️ thanks for the share, well I guess you where kind of “lucky” with that bullet just hitting your foot. 🍀