Are funeral wakes in the US always a quiet occasion like they are depicted on TV?

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jvc1011@reddit

It depends on the family and religious tradition (or lack thereof). There’s no single rule.

But I’ve never been to one that stayed somber the whole time. Too many people who don’t see each other often enough are together at funerals.

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Pitiful_Lion7082@reddit

In my experience it's very much dependent on the deceased. I've been to some that were somber, and others that were full of laughter. They're never a party though, but sometimes there is still joy

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America is a diverse place. I’ve been to a more upbeat one where we were asked to wear fun outfits in memory of the person, a tragic and sad one for a young person, and bunch of old white Protestant ones that were more peaceful like extremely sedate family reunions.

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IgntedF-xy@reddit

If it's more of a fun party it would more likely be called a celebration of life. People think of funerals and wakes as sad, quiet events.

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AbiWil1996@reddit

Depends on the family and the circumstances. I had to unfortunately go to a child’s funeral where it’s quiet, everyone is very soft spoken. Then Ive been to a friends funeral and it was like a party after, because that’s what he would have wanted.

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Capital-Yogurt6148@reddit

My best friend’s younger sister died at ten years old after a lifelong illness. My friend and I were about twelve. Our whole friend group went to the viewing the night before the funeral. We all went up to the casket to pay our respects, to cry with the parents.

Then our friend came to stand with us in one corner of the room. She said, “I’m so tired of all the crying, all the sadness. I need a break. I just want to laugh. Is that wrong? I just feel like I need to laugh.”

My experience is like that.

When someone dies young it’s very somber, but when they’ve lived a full life the mood is a lot more upbeat.

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shakeyshake1@reddit

I went to a child’s funeral once and pretty much everyone just stayed gathered outside the funeral home. It was too rough to be in there. Plus the child had drowned and it was an open casket. I was a teenager at the time and I couldn’t get within 15 feet of the casket because I could tell from that distance that seeing the child would be horrifying in that state.

At the actual cemetery, the child’s father (who wasn’t with the mother) showed up and screamed at the child’s mother and called her a murderer.

That whole experience was terrible. There was no laughing or reminiscing about the good times at that funeral.

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Roboticpoultry@reddit

Depends. My family is proper hillbilly so at the last wake/funeral/celebration of life was for my aunt. It took place at the VFW then their garage - this is in Daytona Beach mind you - where we drank moonshine that my cousin made - butterscotch flavored, it was good - talked the shit, smoked a little grass and watched a spacex launch on the tv and then briefly from the end of the driveway

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mizuaqua@reddit

Not always somber, it's more subdued than most social gatherings but not really quiet. They're a little bit like a networking social where people want to present the most respectful version of themselves but also want to get to know you or catch up on what you've been up to.

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CarolinCLH@reddit

I have never been to a wake where people drink tea and speak in hushed tones.

My Irish-American grandfather's wake featured free flowing liquor and a lot of jokes, drunks, and laughing.

My parent's wakes were not the drunken bash my grandfather's was, but many different kinds of drinks were served and the conversation was typical of a family get-together. This was typical of nearly all the wakes I have been to. Not all feature liquor, but none have featured hushed tones. Just an ordinary get-together where we express sympathy to the family and often tell stories about the departed.

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this_HOAR_wants_MOAR@reddit (OP)

Me either lad. Just going off what I always see in films. The Sixth Sense is the first example that springs to mind. Xx

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this_HOAR_wants_MOAR@reddit (OP)

Me either lad. Just going off what I always see in films. The Sixth Sense is the first example that springs to mind. Xx

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seatownquilt-N-plant@reddit

There different versions/things to do

Body Viewing - probably quiet, solemn

Church Service - solemn

Celebration of Life - More up-beat, celebratory

Memorial Service - solemn, possibly warm/loving

Graveside Service - solemn

Wake - solemn, possibly warm living, could be up-beat

Reception - warm/loving, clebratory

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this_HOAR_wants_MOAR@reddit (OP)

We only do No2 and either No3 or No7. Our funerals only really consist of two parts. I think religion must play a big part in it for ppl in the US and that isn't a thing here tbh.

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hail_to_the_beef@reddit

I highly doubt anyone there is drinking tea.

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KevrobLurker@reddit

More USAians would choose coffee. We have both beverages at our visitations, being Irish-descended. Tea can be hot or iced.

We save the alcohol for after the burial. We don't want any "Tim Finnegan" incidents.

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RupeThereItIs@reddit

USAians

That is just NOT a word.

The proper demonym is Americans.

Food and laughing, joking, etc. is for a remembrance. It's a different thing, usually held later.

I want to hire mysterious to come pay their respects and place something really bizarre by the urn, like a letter of commendation from the government of Tajikistan thanking me for my decades of service and apologizing that the highly classified nature of my work made it impossible for them to recognize me publicly, or another and bigger urn full of ashes.

It's different. There is a reception after most funerals in the US which are the same as what you would call a wake. It depends on the circumstances of death and the attitudes of the family, but in my experience they are usually more of a celebration of life.

UltraShadowArbiter@reddit

Same.

But my family doesn't even wait half an hour.

Practical-Bar8291@reddit

My dad didn't want a funeral but he left money for a party at his favorite bar. It was pretty wild who showed up. We all got hammered.

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toad_stomp@reddit

When my husband passed, we had his celebration at the beach. Both sides of the family came and somebody brought silly string. We had his favorite foods with his favorite people at his favorite place. The best thing ❤️

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_WillCAD_@reddit

The answer varies wildly from family to family.

I've been to wakes where everyone is just devastated by the loss. Then I've been to wakes where people are making an effort to come out of the depression, telling jokes and remembering the deceased with as much humor as grief. Never been to one that was just a flat-out rave, but I've heard of them.

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Reasonable-Company71@reddit

Depends. In Hawai'i they're usually the total opposite; it's treated as a celebration. Huge parties, LOTS of food, live music etc. are super common.

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GotchUrarse@reddit

The funeral service is usually quiet and somber. Now, that said, when my grandmother passed, my cousins, brother and uncle went out to celebrate her life (she would not have approved). We ended up closing a bar after mooning the staff and few other shenanigans.

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YoshiandAims@reddit

It'll vary. The funeral is generally somber.
The wake/reception after... it'll depend on the person, the family, the friends, if there's any particular religious or cultural values involved... It'll depend.
There's usually food, people reminiscing. Again... it'll depend.
Some are a loud loving lively thing, Some are very somber, Some don't have anything at all, and everything in between.

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idredd@reddit

So like most things this is utterly dependent on culture. The thing you'll most consistently miss from /r/AskAnAmerican is this country remains an incredibly diverse place in spite of our politics, and that different people do things differently.

The wake is usually at night a day or two before the funeral and the purpose is to offer your condolences to the family, say a quick prayer, and say goodbye in a personal way. The funeral itself is often a more lively occasion, assuming it’s an old person who lived a great life and everyone is celebrating that.

You do not have food or drink at a wake. They usually are somber.

Loisgrand6@reddit

A wake and viewing is the same thing in my area. Held at a funeral home or church.

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bass679@reddit

Same, it's so baked into LDS culture that our most famous food is "funeral potatoes."

But yeah, viewings are somber, most funerals too. Although it's very normalized to tell funny or sweet stories if you speak at the funeral. I'm assuming that's pretty common too. But the meal after is your tome to tell fun stories and remember their life.

We’ve always called the part before the funeral “The Viewing”.

Afterwards it’s usually called the Repass but I’ve also heard it referred to as the wake as well.

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KevrobLurker@reddit

Repast?

A noisy do for a wake is supposed to be a tradition brought over from the Old Country by Irish immigrants. My experience (2nd generation born in the USA on my father's side) is that visitations at funeral parlors tend to be more staid than the legendary ones held at people's homes. A reception held after the funeral & interment, at a family home, a restaurant, hall or a tavern can be a bit more boisterous. You might have the youngest generation tearing around from grandma to aunties with their cousins, and everyone having a good feed. If there's no professional catering, family members may have all brought dishes to share. Telling stories, often humorous, about the deceased is not out of bounds. Having a drink & toasting the memory of the one gone is done by those who partake. Getting hammered is considered gauche. If that is on the menu, those interested might want to repair to separate accommodations for a session.

hannahstohelit@reddit

It’s very much like that for observant Jews- in the period between death and burial, the nuclear family of the deceased are considered to have the status of “onen,” which means they are not obligated in any laws. The idea is that they’re so preoccupied with their loss and arranging their relative’s burial that we can’t expect them to focus on anything else.

My grandfather passed away almost exactly a year ago so I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently, and the period of five or six hours where my father was an onen between us finding out my grandfather died and him being buried was just inherently weird. We were grieving but we knew that he was grieving in a very different way and it was hard to know what to say, and this structure of him actually being in this unique state was weirdly acknowledging of that. Then the extremely structured experience of shiva, in which he had a very specific status and role and our job was to help him, gave us more of an on ramp where we had a specific way to both be supportive of him and mourn alongside him that by the end of shiva had really helped.

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usually, but it depends on the circumstances. if it's an older person (and sometimes even younger people) who has been sick for a while and it wasn't a surprise? in that situation, it can be more of a celebration of life. if it's a young person or a completely unexpected death, it's a quiet and more somber thing.

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Quix66@reddit

No. And I’m Black so that could make a difference.

Some funerals are quite emotional and quite loud. The music, conversation, wailing (usually a parent or spouse, not common but not unusual). They are comforted, not joined in a communal wail as far as I’ve seen.

Other funerals are sedate and quiet as you’ve mentioned.

My aunt’s funeral had a horse drawn carriage to carry her coffin down the road to the hearse, a jazz band, and a second line dancing behind. That’s the way I wanna go.

My mom wants a quiet cremation, no service, and to be scattered onto her back lawn.

Really does matter by subculture, family, and person.

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WhichWitch9402@reddit

Well, an Irish wake is one of the best parties you’ll ever attend.

I have attended a wide variety. As I’ve gotten older, and now settled in Midwest, usually there’s the visitation, where you go to funeral home and pay respects to family. That’s generally quiet, people talking to family of deceased and one another. You might say a short time or linger a bit. There are chairs set out etc. and it’s for anyone that wishes to come by. Then funeral a day or so later. Sometimes a short visitation before service burial.

Some families don’t mind if anyone comes to services and graveside, some publish that portion is private. After that, there’s often a meal. This can vary widely. Out in the corn and cows in littler towns it might be held at the school gym or church basement and church ladies bring food. It might be at the local VFW hall. Or a restaurant or nothing at all.

Some folks cater a meal at deceased’s favorite restaurant. It really can be almost anything.

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Green_Evening@reddit

I would say this really has more to do with the culture of the family. In a country that is so defined by imigration, the US has MANY different funeral traditions.

My family is Irish Catholic. That means when my Grandmother died we had one hell of a party for her wake and reception. There was a lot of crying, but there was also boisterous pub-songs and enough alcohol that I don't fully remember tha night.

I have been to other funerals where it is quiet, somber, and more "dignified." It really has to do with the culture of the family.

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Asparagus9000@reddit

is it ever acceptable for a wake to be more like a party with loads of food, alcohol and laughter?

That's what my great aunts was like. Because she had some health scares a few years before dying and told people that's what she wanted her funeral to be like and her daughter followed through.

The somber version is just the default unless the person the funeral is for explicitly stated they want something different before dying.

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QuietObserver75@reddit

I mean, after my dads funeral we invited everyone to a restaurant where we reserved a room and had an open bar and food.

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AnotherPint@reddit

For my 94-year-old MIL we had an eight-minute graveside prayer reading followed by a four-hour party at a nearby Irish pub. A pretty good time was had by all, in accordance with her wishes.

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revolotus@reddit

Yes, I have been to many kinds of funerals (big family on both sides). I think somber is the default in the US unless the dead specified a different wish. In every circumstance where they did, I have seen it honored as a "celebration of life" ceremony or something like that.

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K_N0RRIS@reddit

It depends on who died and how they died.

The family matriarch or patriarch dies of old age? = The wake will be more like a family reunion and a celebration

A younger member of the family passes tragically? = Somber, sad, depressive wake

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Jewish-Mom-123@reddit

I can think of one person for whom I’d be holding a wake with dancing in the streets…

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aracauna@reddit

I can only speak for rural southern Georgia because that's where every wake I've attended but one was from.

White families tend to have quieter wakes, although the family home will be LOADED down with food brought in by the community and there will likely be people there at all reasonable hours. No one in my family drinks, or at least never drinks at family functions. (My grandparents had some drinking problems so their kids avoided it.) But in my experience, drinking at family functions is super rare down there. Too many Southern Baptists and other teetotaling denominations down there for a lot of public drinking. But there will be lots of socializing and talking and you'll often have funny memories of the deceased shared, but it's still muted, but not as somber as what you see on TV or what you see at the funeral home for the official visitation.

Funerals tend to be large there. My grandparents, aunt and uncle who've died all had hundreds of people at their funeral, most of whom then did the funeral processions to the burial site. Those caravans may stretch over a mile. We're not an important family, just normal there. People who aren't in the precession pull to the side of the road (even the opposite side of a divided 4-lane highway) until the procession passes.

Black families there do tend to turn it into more of a celebration of life. I also know New Orleans is famous for having more celebratory wakes/funerals.

In the US, this really depends on the subculture involved. What you see in the movies and TV is kind of generic suburban white people.

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Bluemonogi@reddit

There are a lot of ways people handle funerals and gatherings before or after. Some are somber and quiet and some are not.

A wake as I understand it is more of an extended gathering before or after the funeral service. It might involve alcohol. Not everyone has a wake.

Most of the funerals I have attended there has been a visitation at the funeral home the evening before the funeral. It is generally somber and quiet. Friends and family may view the body, express condolences to the family. People come and go for a couple of hours. There is no food or drink served. The funeral service may be at a funeral home or church. There will be a service there and then a procession to the cemetery if there is a burial. After that it is common for there to be a kind of reception at the church or a family member’s home for at least the immediate family. Food and drinks are served and people just talk. Sometimes people tell stories that may be funny memories. There is often stuff like sandwiches and coffee. It breaks up after a couple of hours. My family has never gathered at a bar or restaurant post funeral.

One funeral I attended had a Native American drum circle. There was drumming and singing. I would say it was serious and ceremonial music not intended to entertain. At the burial a pipe was smoked as part of a ceremony. Later there was a memorial gathering at a community building with food. I don’t remember what drinks there were- no alcohol though. It was kind of potluck food with fry bread tacos and various other dishes people brought.

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Narrow_Implement7788@reddit

We call them an Irish wake and it really depends on the person that died and the family. My great uncle was a bit of a character and his wake was a great time and he wanted it that way

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RabbitTraditional135@reddit

I've seen the term "wake" to mean two separate things, so depending which definition you use, the answer is "yes".

Some people use "wake" to mean the viewing the day before or morning of the funeral. It's more casual than the funeral proper but very solemn. You greet the grieving loved ones and pay your respects even if you can't make the funeral. A lot of times co-workers or high school buddies show up to these. My aunt's ex-husband went to her viewing but not her funeral, for example.

Others use it to mean a very casual gathering after the funeral, either the luncheon immediately afterwards or an even more informal drinking party later. (Or, at least once that i experienced, the luncheon devolved into the drinking party as the widower got drunk and started going through his late wife's scrapbooks). This is the part with the laughing and crying and stories that probably aren't as complementary as the ones told at the funeral, but stir up great memories.

I always clarify when I'm told there's a wake.

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Comedeorologist@reddit

For my dad's wake, my family went to a football game. He died right before COVID and was cremated, so his cremains were in a spare closet for a couple years.

We arranged for the funeral to occur when his favorite football team was visiting the city where he wanted to be interred, and we had a grand time at the game.

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CigaretteWaterX@reddit

I've been to two.

One was a friend who had died of drowning at 31. It was incredibly somber and sad, just like TV. Some crying, a lot of awkward standing around.

Other was a combined wake for my grandparents, both late 80s, who had died the same night. It was... fun, actually. The family got drunk and told stories about all the crazy shit my grandparents did, like the time my grandma woke everyone up at 5am on Christmas to go repair a fence that had fallen overnight, or the time she was caught shooting a gun inside the house (at rabbits)

Depends. I think the somber and very formal funerals are typical of WASPs. But other communities have their own traditions. I've heard African American funerals are quite different..

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jreashville@reddit

Usually. I have seen funerals that are more “party vibe” including one for a biker that had a live rock band. But most of the time it’s more somber.

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zombiefacelol@reddit

Funerals in my area are often treated as a way to catch-up with people you haven't seen in a while. They have the family standing by the casket and a line of people form to give condolences. After that everyone mills about chatting. (Then the eulogy and stuff). When my mom died most of those people barely even knew her and just came to see everyone else. I wanted to tell everyone to get the hell out!

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MuchDevelopment7084@reddit

Not in my family. It starts out somber. Then gets louder and louder and louder. Usually ends in a curse and a celebration. Think New Orleans funeral without the band and parade.

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l00kitsth4tgirl@reddit

My family is from New Orleans. Usually there’s a somber wake (either an open casket viewing or closed casket where you can just be present together), then the funeral (in my experience with mostly catholic family, there’s a brief Mass), then you go back to whoever’s home is closest and have an “after party” of sorts. Typically the interment (the actual burial) is attended by close family while others are on their way to the reception. They meet everyone there.

For my family, there’s usually drinking, lots of food, and stories being shared in remembrance. It’s bittersweet, but you do your best to reminisce together and laugh through the tears. Not a celebration, per se, but yet another moment to share as humans doing human things.

I know this came out long, but I wanted to make sure not to leave out details! This is a really good question and I’d be curious to hear your experience.

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Semirhage527@reddit

This is also consistent with all my experiences in Georgia- somber wake, graveside service and then family/friends gathering at a home. Each event gets a little smaller - just about everyone in town may stop by the wake to give condolences.

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The standard in the UK is a quiet, sad funeral service. Closed casket. Then everyone meets in a pub or a hired room/hall. Alcohol flows and there is buffet and everyone shares fond memories and tells funny stories. People sometimes pause for a cry. Like you said, it's bittersweet.

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AlienDelarge@reddit

I've never been to an event that resembles that TV trope.

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dontdoxmebro@reddit

You know how a lot of Europeans seem annoyed when Americans talk about where the ancestors came from? Even more so than weddings and how various holidays are celebrated, funeral arrangements vary significantly between ethnicities and religious sects. A Catholic family from Ireland will have a different funeral than a Catholic family from England or Germany, and a Catholic family from Mexico will have their funerals different than any of them.

That said, many Americans don’t have a wake at all. Or, they may meet after the funeral for a meal, but it isn’t called a wake. Other Americans with Irish roots will have a heavy drinking Irish style wake. Latin Americans have their own version. “Celebration of Life” parties are also becoming more popular, and traditional funerals are becoming less popular. Like a weddings, funerals have become increasingly and absurdly expensive.

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Outlaw_Josie_Snails@reddit

It depends on the individual family. For instance, an Irish American family wake may have a much more festive/celebration of life. This is especially true in states such as Massachusetts.

They will often have a visitation (solemn): The formal portion at a funeral home usually remains traditional and prayerful. It is a time for "paying respects" to the deceased and offering condolences to the family. Very quiet.

Then they often have the after-wake gathering that is more festive: Often held at a family home or a local hall/pub, this is where the "celebration" occurs. It involves heavy catering, storytelling, music, and often a fair amount of alcohol.

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In general, yes. So much so that other versions have special names (like the "Irish Wake" for instance).

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AldenteAdmin@reddit

The actual funeral procession and burial are somber and quiet yes. It’s largely out of respect to the dead and to make sure one doesn’t interrupt the eulogies, actual burial and final moments immediate love ones are spending with the body as it’s lowered/whatever body disposal method the family or deceased chose.

However the receptions vary quite wildly. In general though I’ve always noticed that at first it’s still quiet and reserved. However, depending on the person and reason of death, the reception will either reach near wedding levels or will stay quiet and reserved. Aside from tragic deaths, it’s common to celebrate the passing of someone through a party you wish they were still at and are both laughing and crying with others over memories.

But yeah the actual funeral part of a funeral is almost always a quiet occasion, but given the diversity of cultures here I’m sure it’s not a 100% everytime type of thing. Everyone grieves differently and my viewpoint is that of an Irish catholic family in the northeast. Traditions will vary regionally and culturally here always though.

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drsfmd@reddit

drinks tea

Coffee.

Americans really don't drink much hot tea.

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Number-2-Sis@reddit

We are such a diversified country that there is no such thing as"always" anything in the United States.

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P00PooKitty@reddit

Search the term “Irish Wake” it’s culture specific

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iowanaquarist@reddit

No, it's not true. Most Americans don't drink tea. There was a party. It's a whole thing.

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0utlaw-t0rn@reddit

Really depends on the family, their age, and the circumstances.

Sometimes it’s really sad and quiet. Sometimes they’re more celebrations of life (not always at the wake but by the post funeral gatherings)

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is it ever acceptable for a wake to be more like a part with loads of food alcohol and laughter.

Like the other guy said depends on who died, it’s becoming more popular though as more people want it to be a happy celebration of life rather than a somber one.

Some are just a somber religious service and then a burial, some aren’t.

My father’s wake had an open bar and a disco ball.

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OneNerdyLesbian@reddit

They've never been particularly quiet in my experience. In fact, there's usually a lot of laughing because people tell stories about the person, but it's also not surprising when someone suddenly starts crying.

Most funerals I've attended follow a pretty standard formula. Visitation either the night before or the morning before the funeral service where you can offer condolences to the family and pay your final respects. This tends to be fairly somber.

The funeral service itself is also very somber.

And then there is a luncheon afterwards and that is where everyone can kind of relax and it turns more into a family reunion. Food, alcohol, lots of laughter, shared memories and catching up with people you might not see often

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am_I_still_banned@reddit

I can tell you firsthand laughter is not looked well upon

At my friend's funeral, another friend asked me to tell a funny story about him. When I got to the punchline, we all laughed, and it was the most awkward thing ever. Every person there turned to stare at us, the whole place went silent, and I felt horrible. It feels disrespectful

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this_HOAR_wants_MOAR@reddit (OP)

I guess it depends on the culture.

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largos7289@reddit

Yes/no it's not just sitting there quiet that would be super boring. There are different ways to handle a wake. It's mostly people that are not family that knew the person that is not going to be there for the funeral. it's for the family more then anything. Most of the time it's people you get to see when things like this happen. I've been to an Irish wake, weird because it was at their house, he was there in the coffin in the living room. There was alot of drinking and music.

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burlingk@reddit

The US, as a country, is MASSIVE.

In fact, if you get down to it, the word state TECHNICALLY means country, and we have fifty of them (at the time of writing).

SO, with that in mind, and the fact that cultures can vary from one end of a state to another: Pretty much anything said as blanket statement about American culture is probably only accurate in some areas.

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No-Type119@reddit

It’s very dependent on culture.

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DivineAlmond@reddit

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xx-rapunzel-xx@reddit

most wakes take place in a funeral home and yeah, i’d say more of them are quieter than not. i don’t think i’ve ever been offered tea.

there have been wakes like what you’re talking about, but those have involved positioning the dead person in an odd position like they’re alive and i think it’s very weird.

idk. i guess it depends on the person and what they consider respectable but i think it’d be weird partying it up when there’s a dead person in the room. seeing dead people i know who were formerly alive gives me the heebie-jeebies and i have nightmares over this.

i think wakes used to be held in the home where the person resided, and it may be a little more acceptable to have that party atmosphere.

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FivebyFive@reddit

It totally depends on tbe region.

The funeral itself, the service, in the South tends to be somber. Then we all go back to the house and it's much more of a reunion, it can get loud. Chatting, sharing stories, eating.

And you should see a New Orleans funeral, that's just a celebration.

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iowaman79@reddit

I went to a celebration of life for an old friend’s brother back in January, it was held at the Elks Lodge with a cash bar. I personally wore a lei at my grandmother’s funeral because I knew she would have loved it. I guess my point is that it really depends on the person being remembered.

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FenisDembo82@reddit

I once went to a wake for a retired police chief that was at his home and was like a big party that happened to have a coffin on the living room (closed, thankfully). People eating lots of food, drinking beer, singing songs. I suppose it was what is referred to as, "an Irish wake".

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OpportunityGold4054@reddit

In my experience, a funeral service is prayerful and respectful, often religious, and devoid of much laughter (and drinking). A memorial service is a little less somber with people sharing memories and more social than a funeral. A wake is typically at a funeral home the night before a funeral where people come to pay respects, and it is subdued. But the gathering after the funeral at a home or restaurant is lighter, with happy stories, some food, liquor or beer, and visiting among relatives and friends.

VixxenFoxx@reddit

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UselessCat37@reddit

My grandma's was generally respectable while at the actual funeral home - still laughing and loud conversation, but respectful topics - but then we went and had a ridiculous family dinner with tons of yelling and laughter afterwards. She would've been totally fine with it lol

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Frito_Goodgulf@reddit

Are funeral wakes in the US always a quiet occasion like they are depicted on TV?

There are 340 million people in the US, the vast majority descended from, or actually are, immigrants from over 100 countries.

So no, there is no "always" when it comes to a US cultural tradition. And funerary traditions are such an area.

is it ever acceptable for a wake to be more like a party with loads of food, alcohol and laughter? or would that be seen as inappropriate?

Yes. These exist, mainly for Americans descended from cultures where such wakes were a tradition. IMHO, such are not the majority, but you asked "always."

As with most things, such as do you remove your shoes or not upon entering someone's house, you act in accordance with whatever the hosts ask.

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Lopsided-Public8205@reddit

Lots of different cultures in the US. My experience has been, if a young person dies before their time, yes. If an old person dies, it's more about bringing distance family and friends together to celebrate the life of the deceased. Eat, drink, tell stores, laugh.

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Top-Friendship4888@reddit

Typically, the wake itself is more of a somber affair, but there will still be a normal conversational volume and laughter from people telling stories of memories shared with the deceased or catching up with family and friends they haven't seen in a while.

Wakes and funerals are often followed by a meal shared by those closest to the deceased, and that's where the food and drink happens.

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Kyriana1812@reddit

It really depends on the people involved & the deceased. My dad's funeral was fairly somber yet there were jokes because that's just who we are as a family (except my stepmother, hence somber). That night she called the bowling alley he played in a league at. They voluntarily closed the place down for us because they all loved my dad. We played one of his favorite games, had food, told stories & had jokes with the employees. He would've loved it except if he was there he'd have had to pay for it. We all learned things about my dad that we didn't know & that made it special to me.

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davdev@reddit

I grew up in Irish-American Catholic Household and while the wakes were a bit somber, there was always a huge post funeral gathering where there was lots of food, booze and laughter. Still a somber undertone but it was mostly filled with humorous stories of the one who passed.

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iWillNeverBeSpecial@reddit

Depends on what side of the family

Im from a catholic family, meaning we have a lot of aunts and uncles on both sides. On my dad's side it is a bit more somber but we still drink alcohol for a toast for the departed

On my mom's side, ohh boy. We literally have drinking parties for our wakes. When my grandpa died, at the funeral house/room everyone brought booze and kegs and it was so noisy that we had complaints of disturbing the other families. And when my grandma died we had just as much alcohol, someone snuck in a keg as an air canister to keep drinking, and the whole family did a shot of Fireball in her memory because during a cousin's wedding she somehow ended up with the groom and bridal party and did fireball shots with them

Funeral itself is a somber affair as well, people don't really talk during that part either especially while the family members speak and all that.

Every single funeral I've been to (not many, thankfully) have had some sort of after-party (for lack of a better term). Where the family or a friend of the family will rent out some sort of space/a room in a restaurant and have food catered. That's usually when everything lightens up and everyone feels its appropriate to laugh and all that, somewhat like a small gathering/party.

Again, that's just my experience. I haven't been to many and like others have said: everything is highly dependent on the family and who has passed.

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dancarbonell00@reddit

I guess it depends on if we're talking about funeral or wake because the wake is basically a gigantic screaming fest where everyone's loud as absolute fuck in a tiny ass room.. whereas a funeral is, yeah, a little bit more subdued because there's ceremonial rights and bullshit going on

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WhatABeautifulMess@reddit

Some wakes are more of a party. People literally tailgated my friend’s dad’s wake and someone sent flowers that said Sláinte instead of the cliches like “loving father”. It’s most common in my experience for the repast, the party/reception after funeral/burial to get loud and celebratory.

It’s also becoming increasingly common for people to skip funeral service, or have one just for immediate family, and then have a Celebration of Life, basically a party, later on. That’s what the did for my aunt who had cancer so she knew she was going.

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GhostOfJamesStrang@reddit

I've been to wild parties and I've been to somber events....depends on a lot of factors.

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edman007@reddit

Depends, I would say the wake, yes, always like that.

Everyone going to the bar after the wake and getting drunk and loud is not exactly abnormal.

And my wife is Chinese, and I can confirm it's basically the same with theirs, people are generally quiet and respectful and then party/loud/drunk after.

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SlayerByProxy@reddit

Not in New Orleans.

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IronSavage3@reddit

In my experience typically yes the wake and burial are somber affairs, often taking place in a house of worship based on the deceased’s religion. Afterwards family and close friends will often gather at one of the deceased’s favorite spots or just somewhere nearby to drink, eat, and celebrate the life of the deceased.

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colt707@reddit

So I don’t really go to that kind of stuff. If I’m going it’s because someone still alive asked me to go. All the wakes, celebration of life, etc, that I have gone to have be parties but that’s mainly because I lived around some wild ass people so of course if we’re going to celebrate them then it’s going to be a party.

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Prize_Consequence568@reddit

It depends.

Also don't believe everything you see on TV and movies (unless you're fine with other countries believing everything they see in the media about your country).

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this_HOAR_wants_MOAR@reddit (OP)

I didn't believe it though. That's why I asked how accurate it was.

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PinchedTazerZ0@reddit

Some people might want the wake more "fun" and they relay that before passing but it's relatively rare

If there's an event after/food that's a little lighter but still somber

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JDinBalt@reddit

I hadn't realized that wakes were portrayed as a quiet and somber occasion! That seems like the antithesis of what a wake is, no? My father died several years ago, and after his funeral we went across the street to have a large spaghetti dinner. My mother was crying of course, but everybody was eating and sharing memories and laughing, not a lot of alcohol (which was a major contributor to his death, so...) but there was some. But it definitely was not a somber affair!

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Angry_GorillaBS@reddit

I would say generally, yes. All the ones I've been to have certainly been that way. But I do believe there are exceptions like you will sometimes see, where depending on who died they insisted it basically be a party.

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Impossible_Emu5095@reddit

When my dad passed away, the funeral was very somber and sad. But the next day we held a celebration of life. We asked everyone to come wearing his favorite sports teams. There was food, beer, and laughter. I dreaded the funeral so much, but the celebration of life the next day is exactly how he would have wanted to be remembered.

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skaliton@reddit

this is a rare case where tv is pretty close to accurate. there is usually some kind of 'get together' for food involved as well but it is certainly not a happy event where everyone is laughing