Do you think British politeness is real or just surface-level?

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Less_Win2234@reddit

It used to be a thing but as the world loses it's collective shit and values become eroded it will stop being a thing until our culture presses the reset button on crappy behaviour.

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CoffeeIgnoramus@reddit

The issue is that this is totally culturally linked.

What is avoiding confrontation for us might cause confrontation in other cultures.

A great book if this is a topic that fascinates you is The Culture Map by Erin Meyer.

She works in communication across cultures. And although her focus is in business, it applies across all facets of life. I prefer the book to the audio book as there are great diagrams that show comparisons across cultures.

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Upbeat_Branch_4231@reddit

Genuine. I was brought up to always be polite. "Manners will take you anywhere".

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sunnyspells822@reddit

Unfortunately think this saying is not true

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Upbeat_Branch_4231@reddit

I hate to do it, but I agree. It's a naive saying which was drummed into me. A bit like "blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth". Reality is you get on by being nasty, selfish and ruthless. But I'll stay poor and alone, at least I have my manners and ethics - if not the ability to pay my rent.

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sunnyspells822@reddit

You say that but I am actually a devout Christian and you’d be surprised how good God can be if you approach Him humbly. Btw meek = controlled strength (apparently).

The bible says it’s better to be honest and poor than to be rich and dishonest.

That said I’ve met nice and nasty people on both sides of the spectrum. For example, some people who use the welfare system are dishonest 🤷‍♀️ you can read about this or ask around, theres a lot of fraud out there whether you’re rich or poor

Btw check to see your entitlements to government support if you’re struggling, or charities

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Upbeat_Branch_4231@reddit

Never mind. As the Tao says "ignorance is bliss". Never a truer statement in philosophy.

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sunnyspells822@reddit

Take care, Upbeat Branch.

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Jinkii5@reddit

British? thats like grouping Scandinavia or the Balkans together.

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Comfortable_Ad_4267@reddit

Notorious two faced.

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sunnyspells822@reddit

So true, seen English ‘best friends’ do awful things to eachother. Guess we are not a Christian country anymore

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NervousBug7077@reddit

What would the difference be?. Being polite is service level as its just basic decency to those around you.

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Opening_Nose_2347@reddit

We are not polite if someone is deliberately offensive but not going to cause a scene over nothing. That is civil not kind.

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Tall_Stick5608@reddit

It’s hardly ever genuine kindness. I don’t like stereotyping because everywhere has good, bad and the ugly when it comes to people however I witness more and more Brits (especially native) not being hospitable, not intervening when someone is being abused / bullying / being so stingy / not respecting or being afraid of people of other faiths, winging and complaining all the time. The list is endless and is quite indicative of how miserable and ungrateful many people in this country are.

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Naughty-Stepper@reddit

Can be genuine or weaponised depending on situation.

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Dissidant@reddit

Arseholes exist in all corners, but the silent majority are just trying to crack on and have a decent life

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RoutineAbroad3486@reddit

It’s weird that for such a violent country, we’re so polite and avoid conflict.

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TerryWagwan_@reddit

those asking you why were such a violent country have no clue do they lol

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Neither_Process_7847@reddit

Nobody's sure what you mean, no...

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Winston_Carbuncle@reddit

Enlighten us then. I'm guessing you've never travelled to parts of central or South America

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Neither_Process_7847@reddit

Are we such a violent country?

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RoutineAbroad3486@reddit

I mean, it’s the worst it’s been domestically in a long time. And historically, you know we are. Maybe violent is the wrong word, but considering we love a war, conquering a nation or just kicking the shit out of someone at the football, the politeness and manners seem even more strange.

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Neither_Process_7847@reddit

Domestically? Violent crimes historically low - only thing that's up is shoplifting. We're getting more reports of sex crimes, after years of efforts to get victims to speak up, and more arrears for carrying knives, but actual violence has never been lower.

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Vconsiderate_MoG@reddit

A little bit of history wouldn't hurt, would it?

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Winston_Carbuncle@reddit

We also used to throw our shit out the window should we be surprised that we use toilets for the most part now?

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Vconsiderate_MoG@reddit

Mmmm still improvements to be made on that front, but not bad. History on the other hand, tends to still fire up after centuries believe it or not.

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Winston_Carbuncle@reddit

The Danes were vikings. I don't think anyone would describe them as a violent country because their ancestors raped and pillaged europe for centuries.

Sounds like you're conflating the legacy of history with it manifesting today as it was then.

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Vconsiderate_MoG@reddit

Ahhh the good old Vikings, how about the Romans? Those good ol' times! I'm afraid for United Kingdom of Great Britain you'd look at the day before yesterday mate. The rest of the world might have forgotten the vikings, but remember the Brits quite well I'm afraid.

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Winston_Carbuncle@reddit

I get it. The British empire has a sordid past. But being involved in major conflicts, even as the aggressor, isn't a uniquely British phenomenon. In the recent or distant past. Just look at how many regions and countries are waking up to regional and civil wars this morning.

We're no more violent a nation than Portugal, Japan or Canada today.

Pretending that 21st century Britain is violent because we had an empire is frankly a ridiculous notion.

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Vconsiderate_MoG@reddit

Yeah, what about Portugal, Japan and Canada? Yeah, what about them! It's ok, it's ok, we're the lesser beastly, happy now? Pffffff

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Neither_Process_7847@reddit

What are you talking about?

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anothercynicaloldgit@reddit

True historically, but not now. That's probably due to centuries of deescalation through politeness and exporting our thieves, chancers and religious maniacs.

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ActionBirbie@reddit

We have one of the lowest serious crime rates in the world -

If this is the level Putinbots have descended to now, then I don't think we have too much to fear.

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TerryWagwan_@reddit

they don’t mean that violence old man

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Hefty_Tip7383@reddit

Which bastard said we avoid conflict?

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Winston_Carbuncle@reddit

What do you mean for such a violent country?

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Temo2212@reddit

Of it’s surface level.

I can’t be a love for random grandpa I met 20 seconds ago

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LaurenNotABot@reddit

Definitely more sincere than in the states where you can just hear they’re going through a daily script . Not all of course but definitely a lot in stores and restaurants.

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tcpukl@reddit

And why do Americans call their fathers Sir FFS?

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kettlejuices@reddit

I'm guessing it's children of ex-military/army/other-thing dads. Running their house like they're a drill sergeant.

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Objective_Mousse7216@reddit

Surface level

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knightsbridge-@reddit

Politeness =/= Kindness.

British politeness is about avoiding conflict and letting people get on with their day unrumbled.

This isn't the same as actual kindness, and the existence of politeness doesn't say anything about whether you're kind or not. It's wrong to think of them as in any way related.

I once work with a Ghanian man who'd lived all over the world. Someone once asked him if he noticed any differences between Brits and Americans. He thought for a second, then said:

"Americans, if they don't like you, they will want to say it to your face. They will walk across the room specifically to tell you that they don't like you. British people, it's hard to tell if they like you or not. They don't say it either way. They are polite to you even if they don't like you, and even if they do."

I suspect this isn't quite as true these days as it was back in the 00s when he was answering the question, but it's a pretty good answer to your question. Politeness and kindness are not connected to each other.

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OK_Cake05@reddit

Very Surface level. I ask people how they are when interacting with them and people have been taken a back by it; many have said no one has ever asked them before.

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honesto_pinion@reddit

It's manners, which is a rather separate thing altogether. A part of the social contract, like not breaking laws.

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GrimQuim@reddit

Manners are a protocol, a lubricant for interaction so it doesn't get all weird when you ask for a coffee or meet someone on a staircase.

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Winston_Carbuncle@reddit

All of the above to varying degrees dependant on circumstances and individual.

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Crack398@reddit

And the receiver of the politness can nevef tell to what degree.

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DaVirus@reddit

But we can assume. As a foreign born it goes like this:

If they are helping you and have nothing to lose: sincere.

If it's a discussion/argument/conflict of any kind: fake.

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thesaharadesert@reddit

Always keep ‘em guessing. You don’t want to be complacent in this life.

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migrainedujour@reddit

This is an excellent response.

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Thaddeus_Valentine@reddit

It's keeping things civil until a self deprecating joke is made by either party, and then it becomes warm and genuine.

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PrincessPK475@reddit

Half n half and a lot is an art slowly being lost

There are usually tells as well of whether sincere or performative.

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Real-Apricot-7889@reddit

Politeness and kindness are just different things… often the polite thing to do is not the kind thing to do. Genuine kindness can be uncomfortable and often politeness is about trying to keep everyone comfortable.

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Adam-West@reddit

It’s not kindness but it is real. It’s respect more than anything.

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Ldero97@reddit

It's mostly surface-level and entirely due to societal expectations or to avoid offending someone.

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mailywhale@reddit

There is no such thing as fake politeness, it's either polite or it's not. Being polite is inherently surface level. When people ask this question what they really mean is, do people who are actually horrible or dislike me keep to themselves and act civil with me

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Connect-Bug9988@reddit

The way I was brought up, it's just common courtesy to be polite in your every day dealings, nobody like an arsehole, and those that go out of their way to make life miserable for others needlessly generally tend to be corrected fairly swiftly.

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Obvious-AI-Bot@reddit

Politeness isn't the same thing as kindness

Politeness is learned social manners to minimise conflict and ease social interaction

Kindness is helping others due to innate empathetic warmth and generosity with no expectations or reciprocation.

Different.

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ZanzibarGuy@reddit

"Following the introduction of OfficeWorkerAI please remember to remove all of your belongings from the office upon departure. If you require references for any future job applications such requests should be directed towards HR. We will be sure to highlight your invaluable contributions and achievements during your time here."

Polite, but not kind. Those are two completely different things.

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Fando1234@reddit

I agree, but... I also think by learning social manners from a young age, it also engrains a tendency towards kindness across your life. I do think British people by and large are very kind, and have a deep sense of 'fair play'. And I think that's because our default response to any situation, even when it's not our fault, is to say 'sorry'.

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Deep_Pepper_5405@reddit

this. What is considered polite is cultural. There are these social rules that you're suppose to say and do and how to respond on what is considered polite. Then there are people who follow these norms and those who don't. Wether Brits are considered nice and friendly is then a different question.

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Hertfordgal@reddit

Agree. Politeness is not kindness. Posh people can be very cruel in a polite way.

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Nuthetes@reddit

British politeness is a myth. It only seems to be a stereotype because the only Brits Americans see are the charming, suave Brits on TV shows and movies like Hugh Grant and Benedict Cumberbatch.

You only have to drive on Britain's roads for an hour to see how rude and selfish people are. Or go into town on a Friday night and see a bunch of cocky little upstarts looking for any excuse to cause a fight or being as loud and obnoxious as possible.

Now, surprisingly--I find the kids to be polite. More polite than the adults.

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ChrisRR@reddit

I don't think there's a difference

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Vconsiderate_MoG@reddit

British politeness is still way better than no politeness at all, you'll find.

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Hertfordgal@reddit

Being polite is simply being a civil person. It’s not kindness. I personally don’t appreciate the extreme shouty types as there’s absolutely no need and can be seen as aggressive.

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werewolfbutch874@reddit

All politeness is surface level keeping things civil by definition. That’s why people say things like “I think she just said that to be polite” - it doesn’t necessarily reflect someone’s true feelings.

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PersonalityOld8755@reddit

Not surface level, I lived in Australia and I thought they were way more surface level.

Sometimes the English beat around the bush, but it is genuine.

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Prudent_Pack2738@reddit

Not this question again.

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Aggravating-Day-2864@reddit

Depends if your American or not....

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BillyJoeDubuluw@reddit

It’s cultural. We’re just generally quite reserved if we’re dealing with people we don’t know from Adam…

There are regional exceptions to this where we are generally much more boisterous, though.

I’ve always found that we’re quite similar to Germans in terms of volume and overall tone but generally a bit less direct.

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SuperDinkle406@reddit

Real.

And if you don't believe me, you can go to... damn you... And your mother....

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OverTheCandlestik@reddit

It’s real for me however I’m somewhat old school and quite traditional in my behaviour. I consider it the mark of a British gentleman to be polite, courteous and gracious to everyone I encounter.

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WashingTurds@reddit

What are you defining as politeness? When we say thank you? It’s odd because I actually think folks like in Australia are more polite, they say hello if you’re just walking down the street. Or there’s always a pause at the checkouts where they say hi how you doing. Over here not so much. It’s - gimme 10 pack sterling

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Veenkoira00@reddit

It's just the custom – like driving on the left.

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RealWalkingbeard@reddit

Yes, that's exactly right!

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this_HOAR_wants_MOAR@reddit

I dunno bout other people but it's not surface level for me. I apologise for stuff when something happens that isn't my fault, like if someone bumps into me cuz they weren't looking where they were going... but I don't feel like I'm just saying it to be polite. More like "sorry that I was in your way".

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ActionBirbie@reddit

All politeness is "surface level" because 99% of social interaction is "surface-level", really.

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Ready-Fox-3264@reddit

In places like London, it’s genuine only if people are able to get something from you. Outside the capital, people would exchange brief pleasantries as a social lubricant but it’s really meaningless. Being polite shouldn’t be confused with wanting to be friends with someone.

There will also be instances when you’ll come across people who are, oddly, too polite and it’s probably because they’re trying to get rid of you.

Politeness is also used in place of conflict in the workplace more often than not. People will never say what they mean directly, at least not in the way Dutch people would describe as direct, for example. Some of the most polite conversations I’ve had this week at work have been the most aggressive and it’s difficult to put in writing as you have to witness it. Hostile politeness is one way to describe and it’s extremely offputting but people do it all the time. If you live in the UK, you’ll know what I mean.

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