How many of you feel like you're caring for your kids and have parents who are like another set of kids?
Posted by EssenceOfLlama81@reddit | Xennials | View on Reddit | 58 comments
My wife and I are struggling with caring for generations on both sides. Our kids are 13 and 20, which is easier than little kids in many ways, but just emotionally and financially challenging. At the same time my mother has stage 4 lung cancer and needs regular help, my MIL has dementia, and my FIL just had a stroke. My in-laws also live in super rural Arizona.
Being parents is tough, but managable, but now it feels like we're parenting our parents too. They have significant medical needs, but also just seem so confused by everything in the world so we're constantly helping them. My mom didn't save anything for retirement and still has a mortgage, so she's trying to work in her late 60's while sick. She also lives in the middle of nowhere, so it's 2hrs in travel time for me to pick her up and bring her to treatments. My in-laws are neck deep in the MAGA rabbit hole and fall for every scam on Earth. They've lost over $20k in the last two years to scams. We recently discovered they were unintentionally donating over $1,000/mo to political campaigns because they thought they were making lots of one time donations, not monthly comittments. We now have access to all three parents bank accounts so we can watch for anything suspicious.
Does anybody else feel like their boomer/silent gen parents are just completely dependent on you?
Wak3upHicks@reddit
Fortunately, I never had kids. But my mother has Alzheimer's and it's like having a toddler in their 70s
sljxuoxada@reddit
I was an adult at 8 years old.
Blackbird136@reddit
Same.
deep_fuckin_ripoff@reddit
I may not be the right age to post here but I was born in ‘85. Graduated high school in ‘03 and college in ‘08.
My wife is 2 years younger. Our kids are 7,5,2,0.25. Both our dads have big time health issues. He moms new husband has dementia. Our moms are both doing awesome. But we have to care for 4 children and 3 old men between us. And each grandma has 6 other grandchildren who’s kids are in similar places.
We feel like everyone is dependent on us. He’ll even our moms depend on us for social interaction because they husbands are losing it.
Miami_Mice2087@reddit
moms need some social support their own age. would they go to a book club, or church, or something like that? The public library may have senior programming, or the township/city may offer senior stuff. My mom worked for the parks and rec department and their programming was mostly devoted to the under-10s and the over-65s
King_of_Lunch223@reddit
My wife and I remember spending weekends at our respective grandparents to give our folks a break.
Never knew that we wouldn't be afforded the same from our parents...
mizlurksalot@reddit
I feel this! and learned that being the golden child (or not, in my case) has generational impact! My kids (18 and 16 now) each slept at my mom’s twice, in their entire lives. Meanwhile, my sister’s kids were there almost every single weekend or one night if not two. My nibblings were unconsolable when she passed last year. Meanwhile my kids felt bad that they didn’t feel more sad. I wanted so much for my kids to have the kind if relationship with my mom that I had with my grandma. We live in the same city, 15 minutes away…
elphaba00@reddit
My kids would spend many evenings with my MIL, but all she would talk about was their cousins who live 3 hours away. My oldest won a scholarship. Instead of saying congratulations, the first thing MIL asked was, "Can your cousins win that, too?" The wind was immediately taken out of his sails. My youngest said she went on a group outing with her cousins. She noticed that she got $30 from Grandma while the cousins got $50. A couple years ago, MIL moved closer to those grandkids, so it's her dream come true.
MIL has actually been back in town for over a month to deal with some family business. I timed it. Oldest is at college but home for spring break for a week. She saw him for an hour. Youngest is still home with us. Grandma spent 40 minutes with her.
My FIL still lives close to us. (He and MIL are divorced.) He will also drive the 3 hours to see the other grandkids play a soccer game or whatever but not take the 10 minutes to see my two. Not even have a quick meal at McDonald's.
My youngest is so over it. She's like, "I have two grandparents, not four." My oldest is still working through his feelings.
SaltyAir-StarrySkies@reddit
My sisters would probably say I'm the golden child, because I did well in school and they were compared to that, but I never actually got preferential treatment. If anything I got less (middle child syndrome). My mom is an involved grandparent, but my sisters always had a lot more help because "they needed it more" and I "seem fine." I have more kids, they're younger, and my husband's family isn't nearby, but I wasn't making bad enough choices for mine to be as prioritized. My dad took my niece to all kinds of places when they were small, but has never been alone in the same room as my kids.
Swimming-Trifle-899@reddit
I was also the black sheep. I’m currently watching my mom turn my niece into her golden grandchild and my nephew into the black sheep. It’s gross.
ArtsyRabb1t@reddit
This here! We went to my grandparents for a week in the summer. It was also such a great time to bond with them. They don’t know what the are missing.
Prize_Ad6430@reddit
This hits home. Me and all my cousins would spend the entire summer (3 months!) With my paternal grandparents helping on the farm. Boomer parents would throw a bitch fit if I asked them for some backup on a weekend. I know it sounds terrible but I'm kind of relieved they are pushing up them daisies.
Relevant_Mouse_4860@reddit
Was literally having this conversation yesterday with my other half.
BeenisHat@reddit
Yeah, realizing our village up and left us when we had children really sucked.
EssenceOfLlama81@reddit (OP)
Same with me. I used to love going to my grandparents house. My mom and in-laws pushed us to have kids and then disappeared.
My daughter didn't meet my MIL and FIL until she was 4 and that's because my wife and I paid to go visit them in Arizona. My daughter is now 13 and they've come to visit us once, but every year they bug us to use all of our vacation time and spend thousands to go visit them in Quartzite, AZ (we live in New England).
My mom is a little better, but not much. She used to take the kids for one weekend a summer, but we had to stop because my mom would just go to sleep at 7 and leave my 12 year old son to put his 5 year old daughter to bed.
My grandparents were active and engaged with me until a couple of years before they died. Even when they moved to warmer climates, they would arrange for me and my cousins to come visit a few times a year.
jackfaire@reddit
When my daughter was growing up my mom would bitch about not being part of my daughter's life but never tried to connect with her
Swimming-Squash-3573@reddit
YES
FreezingRobot@reddit
We've gone from "Is this big flashing popup saying to call Apple immediately because I have a virus real" monthly questions to actually being on the phone with a scammer who wants them to give him remote access to the computer situations. I caught it this time but I'm afraid I won't be there next time.
EnoughMeow@reddit
My parents and in laws are amazing. They help us still as much as they can and have given their grandkids the love and attention everyone deserves. My kid got the life i always wanted, and I couldn’t be more proud of all of them.
zffjk@reddit
30 hours. That’s how long my mom has had my kids without me there in 16 years.
I refuse to parent her, she has become a nasty old woman and the only thing she ever loved is herself and her horses.
Pantsmithiest@reddit
Covid shut the world down when my kids were 5 and 7 and that’s when everything also went off the rails with my mother. It was a constant cycle of ER visits, follow-ups, non-compliance resulting in more ER visits, non-compliance, and on and on and on. I managed all of it while also doing online school with my then 1st grader and 3rd grader. It was insanely stressful.
She died in July 2021 and I thought “Finally, things will be more stable now”. The Parkinson’s and related dementia diagnosis about three months later for my father had other ideas.
It’s been years of ER visits, financial management, being the point person for his assisted living and memory care, advocate with doctors, etc. etc.
My kids are now 12 and 14. My Dad died in late January. The overwhelming feeling I had when he passed was relief.
Breeezy0@reddit
The Sandwich Generation. Remember to also find time (and money) to take care of yourself, otherwise you we be in no position to take care of others. Good luck ✊️ We are all right there with you.
Magpie_Coin@reddit
Wise words indeed! This advice is why I started strength training!
Magpie_Coin@reddit
Oh man! I’m sorry OP that your parents are falling for scams and MAGA, that must be stressful! Can they go to a care home? Is there any money for that?
As for me, yes, it is hard: We had kids later in life (which I deeply regret, but can’t change now) and both our kids are severely autistic and nonverbal. My mom is very hearing impaired and showing early signs of dementia. She can’t drive anymore and falls regularly.
So yeah, I’m looking at a future of taking care of my disabled young kids and aging parents. It’s heartbreaking.
W8andC77@reddit
Increasingly, yes. My kids are 5 and 11. My FIL has serious health and mobility issues, he’s 81. My MIL has breast cancer and Alzheimer’s. Together they’re semi functional right now. My FIL refuses to move into assisted living so we’re constantly responding to minor emergencies from a state away. My BIL lives waaaay too far away to help.
My dad has dementia but refuses to acknowledge it. He lives alone and thank god my sister is there to help. He increasingly is losing his executive function so I try and help her by doing lots of remote problem solving. He’s meaner and harder to handle and I miss my dad.
Between work, kids, trying to exercise, and going to care for them when we can I feel burnt out. My husband is having a midlife crisis I think somewhat triggered by constantly having to spend his weekends driving home to care for them. Fun fun!
TheSean_aka__Rh1no@reddit
Yep, I call the kids 'little goats' and the oldies 'fucking goats'
ArtsyRabb1t@reddit
That’s hilarious
jamie535535@reddit
My parents have their shit together & ask me for nothing. I know their life is a lot to manage because my dad is terminally ill & has medical appointments all the time but they’re doing it. I would like to help with that stuff but they moved far away after they got old. My mother-in-law has gone off the rails through & asked my husband for a huge amount of money to pay back money she embezzled to support her gambling addiction.
SadApartment3023@reddit
This is the definition of "the sandwich generation" when you have dependants on both sides.
JackBlackBowserSlaps@reddit
My parents wasted all their money on stupid shit, leaving me to fend for myself. So I am returning the favour.
rmagere@reddit
My parents still take care for me when I am back in town and I have no children to worry about
UsefulGrocery1733@reddit
Oh this is me. My dad had a fall. Had to run them all to the hospital. And it was basically me managing my parents I want to be taken to the bathroom and I’m hungry get me something. And like every fob family apparently( parents immigrated in the 60s) my useless sister had to come along and add to the mix. So I am trying to manage 3 adults one of which is the patient and the only adult who can speak to the physician with any sort of actuality. It’s when I realized I unlocked the new level in purgatory. My 10 and 13 yo are far less work.
missed_sla@reddit
Father in law is a 300 pound toddler. Dementia is a fucker.
red_bird85@reddit
My last living parent died when I was 38, I (47) was widowed at 32 and do not have a relationship with my ILs. My kids (24,22) are living independently away from home many states away and doing okay. I don’t date anymore because largely I don’t want to deal with someone’s dysfunctional family. I absolutely understand my privilege in this conversation. And I’m an only child. Helped my mom with my grandparents in my 20’s and 30’s. She was also widowed young and an only child. It rang her through the gd ringer in her late 50’s. My mother died over 20y sooner than her parents. MI in her kitchen, on her way to lunch with friends.
I’m in school finishing my nursing degree. Hospice and home care nursing is my plan. Starting in long care while I bridge to a BSN. I want to help other people’s parents because I realize I won the lotto in the reality of taking care of sick, old parents scenario.
mamalmw@reddit
We are not caring for aging parents. I am sorry for those of you in this difficult situation. The living parents live in different states than us so I highly doubt we’ll be responsible for their care once they are incapable of living alone. The bigger issue for me is one SIL. She has mental health issues and currently living with her two kids with my in-laws. No clue what she’s going to do once they are gone. I wouldn’t put it past her to show up on our doorstep. My husband says she’s not our problem, and she isn’t, but I can’t help thinking about it.
aroundincircles@reddit
My in laws are dead and my parents are competent and financially responsible. I couldn’t be more grateful.
GuiltyOutcome140@reddit
I keep asking my mom to move closeby so she can see my kids more and I can help her out with little things while she is still active and healthy. She said she only wants to move here if she gets sick and needs somebody to take care of her.
Repulsive-Branch-740@reddit
This is literally ever friend I have right now in the xennial/gen x/elder millennial age group. Everyone has kids and is also dealing with boomer parents who have health, financial, or cognitive issues.
I feel comparatively lucky reading these posts. My mom is 75 and recently received a scary cancer diagnosis, but she’s sharp, responsible, surprisingly tech savvy, and still active even while going through treatment. I have been helping her more with things but only because I want to. But even that, it’s stressful dealing with school aged kids on top of it all. It would be infinitely more stressful if she wasn’t so capable. But we also have my MIL and FIL to contend with and I feel like that situation is about to explode.
I’m watching my friends deal with much tougher situations right now and it’s so hard. We’re the sandwich generation and I worry about the long-term effects all of this will have on us. This amount of stress, made worse by all the other crap going on, cannot be healthy.
Voltage604@reddit
My kids are actually mostly grown and out but my mother and my wife's mother call asking for money more often than the young adults.
My wife's mother who has spent her whole life living it up and never planning for the future thought she would just move in with us once our kids started moving out... I seriously couldn't believe it when she asked... She has no job... No money... Has mobility issues because she didn't do the physio after her hip surgery... All she does is smoke weed and eat... Ya .... Wasn't going to happen.
EssenceOfLlama81@reddit (OP)
This reminds me of my mom. She "retired" in 2007 after my grandparents died and left her about a million in inheritance. Between bad financial decisions and the 2008 recession, it was gone by 2013 and she had to unretire at 55 with almost no savings. She didn't think through a plan at all, she just got a bunch of money and decied to retire with no actual plan.
Fortunately she's the most put together of the three parents, but she's pretty much living paycheck to paycheck and it's only a matter of time before she can't work. I don't know what we're going to do.
Traditional_Isopod80@reddit
That was a lot of money to lose. Was she scammed?
shakeyshake1@reddit
Look into putting her on a list for subsidized senior housing right away! I hear they can have super long waiting lists. She’ll be able to pay her expenses with her social security and you can just send her pocket money from time to time.
My grandpa lived in one! It was kind of spartan but totally functional, clean, and comfortable. After his rent and utilities, he had enough for basic groceries, haircuts, and things like that.
The women in the building adored him and would bring him food all the time.
Lil_Elf81@reddit
I think this thread is really important. We aren’t alone in this even though we feel alone. And overwhelmed. And stressed. And tired. We’ve been raising children since we were children. Now we are expected to take care of our absentee parents in their old age.
Lil_Elf81@reddit
We shouldn’t be surprised with our parents though. They BARELY raised us. Like they are going to jump in and take our kids longer than a weekend every 10-12 months.
Lil_Elf81@reddit
And then you realize your parents have had a good 30 plus years of having to not take care of kids or their own parents like we are expected. Their parents planned for every year until they died AND had their funerals paid for in advance. I’m paying my parents’ bills NOW and they are still fucking alive while raising 2 children of my own. We are kicked out at 18 too which is actually absurd. My kids can stay with me through school acts beyond until they can afford to live on their own. Like WTF Boomers?
PopsiclesForChickens@reddit
Nope. My parents said nope to helping out me and my husband when I was dealing with my own cancer diagnosis in 2023 while raising our 3 kids. That and a lot of therapy has made me have pretty firm boundaries about what I'm willing to do.
Rhianna83@reddit
My Silent Gen grandparents live with my husband and I. They raised me and I love them but we call them our baby adults. All of the things they taught me seem to be out the window. They depend on us for everything. Luckily I was able to get them on Medicaid so they have in-home help now because I was losing my mind taking care of them full time. Gramps has Alzheimer’s (still with it though) and Gram is not all the way there anymore but …it’s hard. I didn’t think I’d be spending my late thirties to forties being caretakers.
cashews_clay15@reddit
My mom has become a child, down to buying and playing with toys. I have to stay on her about doing things like making appointments. She just moved into senior living but they don’t “take care” of her. My brother and sister both died and I have a child and it’s a lot.
shakeyshake1@reddit
Can you call some kind of senior crisis service and report that she can’t live on her own and has nowhere to go? At least that way she would have someone to take care of her even if it isn’t the best care.
Large-Inspection-487@reddit
I feel this in my soul.
My kids are 12, 10, 5. My parents moved to a town 20 minutes over when my mom got diagnosed with ALS. I’m now going over on the weekends to give my dad a break from being her primary caregiver, while still trying to balance homework, chores, sports practices, and a full time job. My husband is amazing and supportive but he also needs to help his dad.
It just never stops.
MrTigerEyes@reddit
Absolutely, but I do feel fortunate that I have siblings who all pitch in and probably collectively do more than I do. Fortunately our parents aren't in financial trouble and are still healthy-ish. My stepdad wastes money on political scams, but I think my mom controls the purse strings well enough that he can only do so much damage.
Diligent-Resist8271@reddit
When I was 31, my husband (32 at the time) and I had our first kid (daughter now 14), a month later my mom was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. I sat in one of her many appointments with my newborn managing her care because anytime a doctor spoke to her about her cancer, she would just start crying and stare into the middle distance. The doctor (who I knew from work) commented that I really was the "sandwich" generation. I managed her care (appointments, insurance fights, short and long term disability, and eventually hospice) for 3 years before she passed. My husband's dad died of a heart attack 9 months after my mom was diagnosed. We became caregivers to his mother who had manageable MS (I remember my second daughter's first Easter in 2014, when my husband and I were each on our cell phones with family members because our mothers were being admitted to hospitals-mine in NY for dehydration associated with her chemo treatment and his in Florida because she had gotten into a car accident visiting her sister with a car we told her she couldn't have because she couldn't drive anymore). He went to Florida to manage the hospital stay and make medical decisions and I stayed home while my dad went to NY to handle my mom's hospital stay (she was visiting friends and family in NY and we all lived in NC, also despite having a husband my asked me to help her and I did it until she passed).
Now husband and I have two (soon to be teenagers-14 and 12-but 13 in less than a week!), and we take care of his mother's medical needs and he also manages her finances (and she lives with us-yay me!). His nephew also lives with us (his dad is my husband's brother and doesn't help anyone but himself), and I help my dad with most of his medical, husband is tech support for both of them, and I help my dad with his finances sometimes.
Funny story: I told both his mom and my dad that they were getting punch cards for 2026 and every month they didn't have a bank scam or problem with their credit, they got a punch in the card, and after 12 punches they could have an ice cream or pizza party!
It's all exhausting.
TestDZnutz@reddit
Been dodging picking up the tab on misc. inlaws for awhile. Told my folks to invest in some longterm care insurance. Not running any retirment homes.
trustme1maDR@reddit
Yes! If you are on Facebook, there is a support group/newsletter literally called Parenting Aging Parents and it's a great source of support.
Honestly, I'm feeling lucky to be childfree right now bc I don't know how you are coping. A few of my friends are in the same boat as you.
My parents have never had their shit to and have relied on us to rescue them so many times. They truly have regressed since they were in their 50s, so this is just a long slide into total dependency on my siblings and i.
My dad is completely disabled and thank goodness for VA benefits bc otherwise my parents might be living under a bridge. We moved them to assisted living and that's the only way we can afford it.
EssenceOfLlama81@reddit (OP)
Honestly we're really only getting by because our kids are awesome. My son is doing great in college, living on his own in another state, has already got potential jobs lined up, and we talk almost every day. When he's home in the summer, he spends a ton of time with his grandma which is good for both of them and a bit of a break for my wife and I. My daughter is handful, but in a managable goofball kind of way rather than being a troublemaker.
If my kids weren't great, I would be screwed. :(
papabear556@reddit
Honestly my kids are great (in their 20s) and we are into grandparent territory already. We started young :|
But we are dealing with my parents and hers in the same way. They are making such really bad decisions with money and health.
It’s hard to navigate but we are pushing forward. We are fortunate we have supporting siblings
LlewellynSinclair@reddit
Definitely. I have a 12 and almost 10 year old. My parents are 83 and 78. My mother (78) has dementia and is starting to go around in loops (mentally) like a toddler. My dad is having memory issues but they’re mostly just age. His issue is he’s slowing down, and getting frustrated dealing with my mother. “Thankfully” I live in another state, but have a sister who lives in the same town as them (and another sister who also lives out of state). In many ways when that sister calls to give us updates, I feel like I’m talking to her when her daughters were young—she had kids earlier than I did in life. We took over managing their finances a couple of years ago because it was apparent they (that is to say, my dad) was losing track of some things, and making decisions we were concerned might be putting his investments at risk. My sister ferries them around town (or orchestrates it), makes sure they get to doctor’s appointments, get their meds, and whenever I or my other sister are in town we pitch in with that the best we can. (Worse still, her in-laws are in the same town with her father in law being the one with dementia and mother in law being the one whose mind is just going with age). In the meantime, I’m ferrying my own kids around, making sure they make doctors appointments, get their meds, get their homework done, etc. It’s stressful and (for her at least) exhausting and even though her girls are mostly self sufficient now (two are off at college and one about to be a HS Senior), she still has to manage her own household and work.
FeistyNobody07@reddit
My sibling and I were parentified by our parents, so we are conditioned to try to meet all of their needs as if they were children. My sibling chose not to have children because of this, but I already had three children before I realized I had been parentified. My children are older teenagers/young adult now, and my parents are falling apart (and my MIL, who chose drugs over my spouse, does everything she can to take us down with her).