Reflecting on Gen-X Childhood
Posted by DistributionNo7277@reddit | GenX | View on Reddit | 54 comments
I stumbled across this article today. Can anyone else relate? I was the easy sibling who didn't cause problems and it had a big impact...
https://artfulparent.com/j-a-children-who-grew-up-as-the-easy-one-in-a-chaotic-household-often-become-adults-who-are-profoundly-lonely-in-a-way-they-cant-explain-because-their-entire-childhood-taught-them-that-the-safest-way/
Optimal-Ad-7074@reddit
I would personally claim to have been that child, although at least one of my sibs might dispute the claim (with nuance). I wouldn't necessarily argue with her.
so for me: no. not that the article is necessarily wrong, but I got out of that trap in my mid-to-late 20's.
even before I broke out I wouldn't have called myself lonely. just confused.
one (unusual if you base your idea of the "norm" on the general trend of Reddit responses to this kind of question) factor in our family is: my sibs and I have all showed a strong degree of solidarity in adulthood. and not solidarity against either parent either. no two of us have ever been in 100% alignment or agreement with one another, but we all seem willing to speak up on each other's behalf when called for.
DistributionNo7277@reddit (OP)
That's awesome!
Optimal-Ad-7074@reddit
yeah, I'm pretty proud of us all. we have different temperaments and had different experiences of the very same events, but we have mostly similar values. it's probably my parents' doing.
Ray_The_Engineer@reddit
For whatever reason these types of "how to blame your parents and childhood for everything that's happening to you" types of articles never really resonate with me. I have my issues, like everyone, but I tend to look forward, not backward. Best of luck to folks that struggle with these things.
ancientastronaut2@reddit
I don't know if it's so much to "blame", but rather to work through the trauma we just shoved down and never worked through. That catches up with you.
Optimal-Ad-7074@reddit
while true, I tend to feel like these things are written for 20- and 30-somethings. people who don't yet have enough other experience accumulated.
by the time GenX has reached the age range it has ... leaving aside all the "how did you miss the self-help memos of the (insert any of the past three to five decades)?" question, I just feel like by your 40's you're past the point of single-source answers to anything.
tandem_kayak@reddit
Healing C-PTSD takes a lot of work, and it's never too late to start. All those self-help memos did nothing to actually repair the damage done in childhood. I just started therapy a couple years ago, and it has changed my life. I wish I had started earlier, instead of 50+ years of pretending it was ok the way it was. My relationships could have been better, my career could have been better, I could have treated myself better. I definitely see parts of myself in this article. It is shocking to hear other people feel the same.
Ray_The_Engineer@reddit
Agree.
Ray_The_Engineer@reddit
I've read a number of the answers here, and it certainly reads like blame to me, or "attribution" if that's a kinder word. I'm nearly 60, a LOT has happened in my life and it seems ridiculous and illogical to pin my issues on things that happened 40 years ago. I've had time to think these things through and move on, and these "one size fits all" self help articles come across as misguided for me. None of that stops my sister and a lot of the folks here from dwelling in the distant past, of course.
ancientastronaut2@reddit
Holy shit, that's me! Big gap between my siblings and I, but when they were at home, they were always acting out and getting negative attention. I just faded into the background. Then they were gone and by the time I was a teen they were totally over parenting, unless I did something wrong, then I'd hear about it. To this day, I often self isolate.
Mom_who_drinks@reddit
My parents hated that I didn’t require/crave their attention like my (considerably) older siblings. I was born into the absolute chaos my parents loved to make. They kept searching in vain for something to draw me into it but I never bit. I was reportedly the best behaved baby and kid. They couldn’t make me feel guilty because they never could point to anything “wrong” for me to feel guilty over. I never got in trouble in 12 years of school. Graduated in the top 5% of my class. I paid my own tuition and never asked for a dime from them for anything. Was on the Dean’s List for my last 5 semesters. Never came home past curfew. They even resorted to lying to their friends about the horrible things I never did. Yeah, I have cPTSD because of my childhood but I got a lot of funny stories out of it.
LoudMind967@reddit
I relate 100% until I become a teenager and started to rebel. I didn't become chaotic or anything but I definitely started fucking up in school, generally stopped giving a shit about anything and avoiding my parents at all costs. Basically, self-destructive. But I still have all the traits of the easy child as an adult
JJQuantum@reddit
I was the problem child so…nope.
DistributionNo7277@reddit (OP)
It seems common to get typecast as children, whether at home or in rhe classroom. The "problem child" then gets blamed and called out to a greater degree than they should. I think the problem children in my family had undiagnosed ADHD.
JJQuantum@reddit
I was just rebelling against an alcoholic, abusive father, at times not having food to eat and parents who made it plain that they’d rather me not be around. Lol.
DistributionNo7277@reddit (OP)
It's very gen-x to end that with LOL. 💔😅
United_Relative_9106@reddit
I feel this one hard. Definitely the eazy one; praised for being the one that "sat in the corner quietly playing with my toy cars" and not needing help with much.
Kinda ruined my adult relationship with my surviving parent exactly because I got on with life and "never needed them" the way the siblings did; moved away, never needed help.
Always been aware that i was trained to be that way, but nice to see it written down.
DistributionNo7277@reddit (OP)
Same with me--moved away, wasn't dependent, missed out on getting to spend more time together.
ackack9999@reddit
This article actually made me cry. I’m only now starting to understand how badly chaotic childhoods can mess with people’s lives. Generational trauma is no joke.
Pigeonofthesea8@reddit
It’s scary how sensitive people are. I now don’t regret not having kids
ackack9999@reddit
Sounds like you made the right choice
Pigeonofthesea8@reddit
Sorry, it probably sounded like I was talking about you and your reaction. I just mean we like to think kids are resilient, and they are to an extent. I’m agreeing with you, parents can really screw them up in so many ways. Always possible to heal, but so many people carry so much pain, it’s like who actually feels ok? In my life I’m surrounded by people living with this kind of pain.
If I were a parent I’d for sure screw them up somehow. I’d be terrified of anything harming them, that’s probably how I’d do it
DistributionNo7277@reddit (OP)
It's so difficult. I thought the older I got the less it would bother me, but it seems to be the reverse.
Winter-eyed@reddit
I got attention for a bit for dinner time till bed time from my parents. The weekends we caught up, especially in the summer when we went camping moat weekends. I don’t hate my childhood. There are a few things I might change but for the most part it was pretty good.
Historical_Project86@reddit
Interesting. I guess that was me, but I actually got attention anyway. A typical evening would be my sister in her room, me on the sofa watching TV with parents. I guess the household wasn't that chaotic though.
ViewfromMyOfcWindow@reddit
I was the youngest in a "blended family". I use quotes because we weren't "blended". Birth giver's husband's sons were untouchable while we girls were sluts and whores. He spent 12 years trying to get into my pants. I was 24 when I told him if he ever tried again I would kill him. I fucking celebrated the day he finally fucking died. That, after spending my entire childhood trying to be invisible so I could avoid ridicule and punishment or SA just for existing. It was so damn exhausting and traumatic. I wrote them all off and just try to be a good person and have good days, but still struggle to embrace happiness because I can't trust it.
DistributionNo7277@reddit (OP)
Wow. I'm so sorry.
ViewfromMyOfcWindow@reddit
I'm actually mostly ok, this whole thread and article got me spewing. Yes, I resent people from my past, but honestly I'm just trying to be the best person I can be. I send hugs to everyone in this thread, because DAMN. We have been THROUGH IT. 🧡
ChapterOk4000@reddit
Holy crap, this is me too. I was the baby child in a chaotic household, basically took care of myself. My whole life I've done things on my own, and been successful. I never asked for help. I also told myself alone is different from lonely. But now I feel that loneliness, because I feel like nobody sees the me that is inside needing connection and help. Crazy thing is I'm in a relationship of twenty years, and he always calls me out on not sharing what's inside. He's so right. Ugh.
Wow, this article hit hard.
DistributionNo7277@reddit (OP)
Still feel like everything will fall apart if I'm not stoic all the time.
PeaceABC123@reddit
Yes...when things are going great I'm scared the other shoe will drop.
ViewfromMyOfcWindow@reddit
I don't trust a day when I feel happy because I'm just waiting for the inevitable shitstorm. It's sad and exhausting.
DistributionNo7277@reddit (OP)
Same
ChapterOk4000@reddit
Same, I still am.
daisy0808@reddit
And I could have written your comment myself. I was an only child in a chaotic household, been taking charge since I was 15, and now on the other side of corporate burnout after being a CEO. It's lonely at the top - and until I really started learning how to be interdependent, isolating. It's still so incredibly hard. Hugs.
Darth_Bane-0078@reddit
There were 5 of us trying to get the attention of two hard working parents. I decided early on to be invisible so I wouldn't get into trouble or hit. I used jokes as a way to diffuse the tension. 20 years ago I got tired of being the family's whipping boy and started speaking up for myself. My siblings didn't like the quiet one to say anything and it pissed them off. One of my brothers I haven't talked to since 2013 and I'm better off for it. Now I have three children and I'm usually the quiet one that gets ignored unless they need something. I don't have any close friends but I'm weirdly okay with that because people are exhausting. This article is totally about me.
DistributionNo7277@reddit (OP)
I'm the same in that I have no qualms about ending relationships and no close friends anymore and unbothered by it. It makes sense that those things are a product of this childhood experience. Never connected it before!
DistributionNo7277@reddit (OP)
Also feel like I am a very good judge of character, probably from observing instead of participating.
supenguin@reddit
Wow. This... This explains a lot. I always thought of asking for things too much as whiny and complainy. Now that I have a family, I always ask my wife and sometimes my kids "Do you need anything?" It always felt like the good thing to do, be the provider. I'm sure that's fine, to some extent.
But when I need something... It is often very hard for me to ask. Many times I don't know who to ask, or if I know who to ask, I don't know how. I'm afraid I'll be bothering someone, or seen as a wimp for needing help or whatever thing it is I need.
DistributionNo7277@reddit (OP)
💔 I think the article gives good advice. We should start asking for small things and get in the habit.
LJ1205E@reddit
When I was 9 and my little brother was 4 - three of our half siblings, that we never met or knew about, came to live with us full time.
While I was happy about it, my little brother just could not adjust. He was no longer the center of attention.
I was the only girl and everyone in our extended family assumed because I was the only girl I was treated like a princess.
Not even close.
Before my brothers came to live with us I had my own room. A nice bed. Decent clothes. I drank milk with my dinner.
They were given my room and I slept in an attic alcove that didn’t have heat or electricity. The walls were crumbling and one night I woke up and the ceiling had caved in on top of me. I slept on a mattress on the floor.
I didn’t complain. Not even when it was so cold I wore my coat to bed. The ceiling was never fixed.
I remember asking for basics like clothes or going to the dentist. It was always no it’s not necessary.
So I stopped asking. I realize now that I have carried the feeling of not being important enough my whole life. Rarely have I ever asked for anything. I’ve spent my life on the sidelines watching everyone else have full lives.
jabberjaw420@reddit
I was the oldest of three, and we shared a room. But when I turned 8, my parents gave me a room in the attic. While I never had the ceiling fall on me, at first I thought it was going to be so great and taunted my younger siblings. But then, when I went to live there, it was the first time in my life I felt loneliness, and I regretted 'moving.' And after that, my brother and my sister always seemed close, but me sort of distant.
IDK, your story of living in the attic just reminded me of my experience, even if it was slightly different.
DistributionNo7277@reddit (OP)
I'm so sorry. 😥
LJ1205E@reddit
Thank you, OP.
If anything it helped me be a better parent when I had my own kids.
StarDewbie@reddit
I was an only child, so I can't relate to any sibling content, but my mother kicked my dad out of the house when i was 12 because they couldn't get along, and honestly, I had to emotionally take care of HER. When I became an adult, she was very obvious about her feeling "put out" if I needed anything. I always knew she was very selfish (definitely figures she was borderline and a touch of the narc too). My father was always emotionally absent so no help there either.
Now I'm married with a kid. My husband is most likely on the spectrum. The one lifeforce that can speak (my daughter) can sometimes make me feel better if she sense something's off with me, but I don't let that slip out too often as that's not her job to take care of me in that way. It's my husband's but again, spectrum. He was also emotionally as well as physically neglected as a child, so, no help there either.
I basically have, and apparently always will, take care of myself emotionally, because why bother even trying when you're invisible and always have been?
DistributionNo7277@reddit (OP)
It sucks.
MaximumJones@reddit
DistributionNo7277@reddit (OP)
Srsly.
PeaceABC123@reddit
I was the easy one. Can be in a room with family and feel lonely like I don't belong. Can also be in other group settings and feel like I don't belong. Although I am very social, it"s just a wave of emotion that comes over me and I feel alone.
newwriter365@reddit
I feel the same. I hope you find peace.
DistributionNo7277@reddit (OP)
It kind of makes me feel like wallpaper but at the same time safer. 😢
onemorebutfaster_74@reddit
Headline kinda cuts close to the bone. Damn.
Aerwiar@reddit
Yes! I read this the other day and man did it resonate! 🥺
Firstcounselor@reddit
I was the first easy one, mostly because my two older brothers got into all kinds of trouble and my parents don’t have the energy for me. But they also realized the less they managed my brothers, the better they were, so they didn’t manage me at all. It’s got even easier for the siblings after me, who got all kinds of praise.
Oh wait, I just described middle child syndrome.