You are describing hyper-individualism, which I agree is terrible for our communities, but what I'm saying is different: you can’t truly give yourself away to the community if you don't have a stable self to give. If someone is fragmented or highly anxious, their altruism can often become pathological altruism (aka codependency), helping others as a way to escape their own pain, their own failures, or to feel a sense of power/control. Isn't it more selfless to do the inner work to become a secure, full person, so that your service to others is a genuine choice rather than coming from a need for validation?

When a group is made of people who are grounded and secure within themselves, the community becomes interdependent rather than codependent. Codependent communities are fragile. They collapse under the weight of everyone’s unspoken needs, resentments, and fragmented identities (things get brushed under the rug constantly to preserve the good vibes). But an interdependent community (where each person is their own anchor) is resilient. It can weather internal conflicts and external pressures because its members aren't constantly draining each other to feel okay. People are not constantly burning out. They have the stability to truly show up for the long haul, they communicate their needs and boundaries, which creates a collective strength that actually lasts through time.

That’s a fair critique of hyper-individualism. But I look at it this way: you can’t truly "give yourself away" to the community if you don't have a stable self to give. ​If someone is fragmented or highly anxious, their altruism can often become pathological altruism (aka codependency), helping others as a way to escape their own pain, their own failures, or to feel a sense of power/control. ​Isn't it more selfless to do the inner work to become a secure, full person, so that your service to others is a genuine choice rather than coming from a need for validation?

The irony is that this self-first security is exactly what builds tighter, stronger communities. When a group is made of people who are grounded and secure within themselves, the community becomes interdependent rather than codependent. Codependent communities are fragile. They collapse under the weight of everyone’s unspoken needs, resentments, and fragmented identities. But an interdependent community (where each person is their own anchor) is resilient. It can weather internal conflicts and external pressures because its members aren't constantly draining each other to feel okay. They have the stability to truly show up for the long haul, creating a collective strength that actually lasts through time.