Struggling to adjust in the Netherlands
Posted by bophinator@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 16 comments
Hey all, looking for some advice if you’ve gone through something similar.
I moved to the Netherlands a year ago from Australia. I spent a year half traveling and half spending time in the Netherlands. I have a lot of relatives in the Netherlands also. After the year, I got a job at a Dutch company that’s known to have a lot of expats also.
I’ve started the job for about a month now and I feel like I’m struggling to adjust. Usually it is easy for me to socialize with people but over the last month it has been quite difficult to connect with anyone. I feel so exhausted all the time and don’t have the capacity to make a conversation with people or have curiosity about work. I also do a lot of social activity outside of work like I joined a sports club and play there weekly, meet lots of new people through a Facebook group. Everyone is generally very friendly to me and go out of the way to initiate conversations, make me feel welcome, invite me to things.
I wonder how long I will struggle like this for as I am really trying to go out of my comfort zone and talk to people and do new things. My manager is very understanding about it at work, but I want to integrate better at work. Though it is also difficult that in my area of work, it is generally Dutch men over 35 with kids whereas I’m in my 20s and Asian. So it is hard to relate to them and they all speak Dutch to each other around me.
Any advice? Thanks in advance!
re-11111@reddit
I'm local, Dutch (but also Asian ethnicity/parents), and I've heard this A LOT from colleagues who were expats from all countries (France, Spain, Portugal, Russia, you name it, I've heard it before). I don't agree that you need to learn Dutch. It's funny how none of my expat colleagues speak Dutch, because we are an international company.
What will help you is to get a hobby or a specific interest and go to a spot on a regular basis. For example, if you like to work out, go to the gym on the same days, you'll cross paths with the same people and have something in common.
I'm local and never hang out with my direct colleagues, since I have nothing in common with anybody in the office and I like to keep work and private life separated. With some colleagues I did become friends after I left previous companies, but looking for "social connections" or friends at work is usually not what happens in most cases. Speaking Dutch will not change that, I heard plenty people who are born here as well, who struggle to find friends, because most of us make long time friends from uni or high school.
HVP2019@reddit
Well some of the negatives can be attributed to winter darkness and gloom. And now when days are start getting longer you may feel a bit better.
Some of your expectations are unrealistic. You can’t expect to always have easy times finding friends simply because this is how it used to be. Even at home sometimes people struggle socially.
Being an immigrant makes finding friends harder but with time this will become a lesser issue
Becoming older is another reason for having social problems. Unfortunately people do not get younger, so many people will continue having social problems as they get increasingly older.
Remembering the reasons for becoming an immigrant should help you tolerating minor negatives
bophinator@reddit (OP)
Personally I can easily meet new people through all my hobbies and social stuff. Especially in Netherlands when there are lots of other female expats looking for friends.
But my problem right now is I’m struggling to do a basic 1 on 1 friendly interaction like I normally can. My social capacity is just so low that they could be the friendliest person in the world, but I feel like I’m just a brick wall. I’m usually a really friendly and social person so it’s frustrating that I am being like this.
Honestly I’m not expecting to be friends or make deep connections with people generally, but just be able to have a pleasant friendly conversation with anyone without constantly feeling so mentally tired.
Saturn812@reddit
Apart from the language there is also a cultural aspect. Work is work, less useless chatter is better, you don’t have to make friends with people you work with. Even perfectly knowing the language you’ll hit the same barrier that you might be expecting too much social interaction. I never really felt the problem you are describing because in my country we are also less sociable when there is no real reason to be, I feel quite integrated in the NL even tho I barely speak the language lol.
HVP2019@reddit
It took me two + years to become fluent enough to have comfortable conversation with locals.
And it took me 5+ years to learn enough about culture, current and past events, recognize local references and jokes, so I was able to be as fluent having friendly conversations with locals the way i could with people in my home country.
Different cultures/languages have different rhythm and norms, it takes time to get feel for such things.
mrs__dynamic@reddit
I’m coming from the future and telling you start learning Dutch immediately, it’s the best way to integrate.
I’m really regretting not starting 3 years ago when I moved in.
Icy-Zone-6251@reddit
So #1 get yourself into an office of people your age (!) Mid 20's is about the peak of fun and your in the right country for it.
Its not the cultural aspect which is holding you back; it is an AGE and LIFE STAGE thing. your surrounded by people in a different stage of life.
Trust me as I was in your shoes for some years here. Same struggles. I thought it was the cultural difference . It was not. One office change and I had never had so much fun and still have friends from the good old days (Kiwi expat in 020 of 20 years now...) . look for a happy office in a positive industry. I went from investment banking into an agency enviroment - A Night and day difference.
The whole world will open with the right change. With just one new friendship in the right group and you WILL aquire a group of like minded friends - by defaut - hanging out together and into OTHER groups of like minded people. It is like a rosetta Stone moment which unlocks everything
The-American-Abroad@reddit
The best thing you can do is imagine that the Dutch are NOT good at English, and focus 110% on learning Dutch. Pretend that you’re somewhere with zero English knowledge.
In my experience the English skills of the Dutch can kind of be misleading; they are indeed excellent, but they don’t conduct their culture in English. That expectation misalignment is what you’re feeling.
Legitimate-Error-633@reddit
If it’s of any comfort, I moved the other way (Netherlands -> Australia) and find it similarly difficult. At least the language is easier for me.
I read a lot of posts of expats mentioning that people around them can speak English, but speak their local language anyways.
To understand this, you need to be bi-lingual. Even if you can speak a second language very well, it still costs a lot of energy. Compare it to jogging vs walking. Imagine you’d always have to be jogging to communicate with someone - you’d rather be walking right?
bophinator@reddit (OP)
Yeah I get why they speak Dutch with each other and I don’t expect them to switch to english all the time unless they are talking to me.
I am learning Dutch at the moment but it’s still basic. It’s more the situation adds to the feeling I am Struggling to integrate but I know it’ll take time and learning Dutch will help a lot here.
ihavenosisters@reddit
I’m trying to say this as nicely as possible. But not speaking the local language is your biggest obstacle
Of course people can speak English, but they are more comfortable in Dutch. You want to make Dutch friends, you need to speak it. And you’ll continue you struggle.
Otherwise make international friends, they are in the same boat as you.
Professional_Elk_489@reddit
Join Aussies in Amsterdam?
I have Dutch women in their 50s with cats and Dutch women in their early 20s and everyone in between and lots of internationals, from many different cultures and nationalities. You can meet everyone where they are as a person in the workforce.
They don't have to be the same as you to get along professionally. You don't have to be everyone's friend either.
Chill_Cuttlefish_999@reddit
It sounds like you're doing a lot to meet people socially and they are interested in connecting with you, but you don't have enough energy to make these encounters into more meaningful relationships, is that right? Perhaps it's worth taking a look at what kind of social interactions nourish you, and re-balance how you choose to spend your energy.
Regarding work, one month is still quite fresh. Also, what do you see as integrating at work? Are you hoping to make friends with colleagues from work, or is it something else?
bophinator@reddit (OP)
Yes that’s right. I think if I was feeling more like myself, I could easily connect better with all these people I am meeting.
I am not expecting to be friends at work, but just to be able to have a decent friendly conversation with them. I am finding that I am probably making it difficult for others to talk to me, as I don’t have the same energy to give back.
Thanks for your advice, that’s a good point. I’ll have a think about what kind of social interactions would actually nourish me.
Chill_Cuttlefish_999@reddit
I sent you a PM too
probablyaythrowaway@reddit
See if you can find some expat groups