ULPT Request: there’s a porch pirate/car looter on my block every day

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UnethicalLifeProTips-ModTeam@reddit

Please do not encourage unsafe medical practices or behavior.

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Gypsyfella@reddit

See if Mark Rober will make you one of his exploding boxes!

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Put a box with a rock in it (for weight), wait for him to come by and spray him in the face with bear spray then call the cops on him. He won’t be able to leave because he will be in so much pain from the spray. Make sure you capture the attempted theft on cam.

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ClaudeVS@reddit

I saw someone on Facebook complaining about a parcel they stole containing rotten milk exploding in their car. They tried to get assault charges on the victim lol

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sinnercerity@reddit

I read a post a while ago from someone who detailed cars, and he said he had a customer who had accidentally left a gallon of milk in the backseat of their car during the summer and then left for a week-long vacation. The smell was so bad that the car had to be totalled. Finding a way to make rotten milk explode in the thief's car would be golden.

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Freshouttapatience@reddit

Bad milk is the worst! My son’s room had a smell, we cleaned the carpet. As soon as it dried, the death smell came back. This went on forever. It was so bad, we couldn’t use the room, kept the window open and had it taped off.

Finally one of the other kids suggested we do the carpet again but use vinegar in the machine. As soon as the pickle went away, NO more smell! When we were cleaning it with regular fluid, we were warming up and activating the milk enzymes creating our own little petri dish. The vinegar neutralized it.

After all this, he admitted he’d had a gallon of milk sitting on his floor so long, it exploded. He’s lucky we’re a nonviolent people, the whole house wanted to murder him.

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Odd_Cryptographer941@reddit

Once got in the car carrying an old style Glass bottle of milk and dropped it on the metal Handbrake, it shattered and the milk went everywhere, we had to get a complete interior from a Breakers Yard! 🤢

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musicissweeter@reddit

Methinking bad milk + cat pee would be the ULPT holy fountain of eternal stink

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Freshouttapatience@reddit

That’s unholy water!

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Altruistic-Cow-1553@reddit

Don't need it to explode, just set the box on its end. Put the milk jug in the box correctly oriented for it to be upright if the box is sitting correctly on its bottom. Put a hole in the bottom of the jug, which should only be half full. Now, when the box is set down correctly it will leak out the bottom. Either when placed in their car, or when they get home and set it down to open.

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Mackheath1@reddit

Oh a cantaloupe, too - because it turns to mush and attracts so many bugs. But I think it would have to explode somehow, or else the box would just be chucked.

Note - There's a reason why I know this. "I swear I bought a cantaloupe at the grocery... why are there fruit flies in my car??" It had rolled out the bag underneath the passenger seat. Turned to mush.

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gotchafaint@reddit

Classic, they’re always the victim lol

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Clemen11@reddit

A pendrive / USB killer, like the ones USBkill makes. Whatever the pirate plugs that thing into will die

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notcontageousAFAIK@reddit

Take it out of its packaging, and attach a note that says something they won't be able to resist:

"David, Dad's banking info is all here. Didn't want to email this to you LOL"

"Hey Baby, while I'm away from you, enjoy these."

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Clemen11@reddit

Maybe a box saying "family documents digital backup"? I think it'd be less obvious.

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Unnnatural20@reddit

Good chance the pirate would just sell it and not be affected. But that just makes this suggestion even more unethical. 👍

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OwlPelletCrunch@reddit

for ultimate annoyance without escalating to assault… random package of normal boring stuff for plausible deniability

BUT - several globs of dirty 5th wheel grease on the outside on the box (swing by a garage or truck-stop and explain your plight, when they stop laughing, they’ll definitely give you some) - it’s black grease that’s impossible to clean off skin or upholstery and just. keeps. spreading.

Get a box with black graphics/logo or black tape so they don’t see it coming.

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Odd_Cryptographer941@reddit

For extra evilness, just put it underneath so that it marks the upholstery on their Vehicle!

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notcontageousAFAIK@reddit

You can set the box on four or five pebbles so it doesn't get on your porch or steps.

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Odd_Cryptographer941@reddit

Smart! 😀😉

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UmmahThermite@reddit

Odds are that car they are driving is stolen.

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bnjman@reddit

Also accoustiseal. You can buy it at home Depot. That shit will never come out of clothes and takes hours to get off your hands.

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Holden-McGroyn@reddit

Put Prussian Blue on the packaging. It's like concentrated ink!

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redprawns@reddit

Any grease with Molybdenum. That's what you're talking about

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Emotional_Sir_3416@reddit

amazing

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StrikeSea7638@reddit

marine grease in a tube is good for this. That red grease will… outlast a human life.

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OwlPelletCrunch@reddit

i’m partial to the 5th wheel just cuz it has the added “general grime” of highway travel… that greasy grit becomes a generational curse on your bloodline lol

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BikingEngineer@reddit

You wanna escalate a bit? Anti-seize will do the trick.

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AllTheWayToParis@reddit

Great idea! Consider the risk that the porch pirate might rub it off in you door mat, wall or any surface close by.

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10S_NE1@reddit

I think that risk is pretty small. Most porch pirates don’t stick around any longer than they have to.

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wh1temethchef@reddit

Damn, this is one for the textbooks

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MPeckerBitesU@reddit

{{{takes notes}}}

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Due_Mark6438@reddit

Glitter bomb mixed with used cat litter

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schnauzer000@reddit

Cat glitter

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severe_thunderstorm@reddit

Late at night (when wasps don’t fly), gently knock a nest into a box and tape it closed.

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Ok_Berry_3114@reddit

How about some counterfeit bills?

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musicissweeter@reddit

You're a genius.

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ObiWendigobi@reddit

That’s diabolical. Turn the petty thief into a full blown felon.

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papermill_phil@reddit

Diabolical as in.... Proceed? 😂

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Emotional_Sir_3416@reddit

I like the way this guy thinks

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musicissweeter@reddit

Glitterbox is the only way forward

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MichaelHammor@reddit

Nice big heavy Amazon box of used cat litter, or roadkill, left out on a neighbor's porch.

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SalisburyWitch@reddit

If you can’t find the roadkill, go to an Asian grocery store. They sell chickens and ducks with their heads on and pig snouts. And Durian. If you haven’t smelled a Durian it smells horrible. Chop one up and put it in the box. On second thought, it might stink your whole house and porch.

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RegionRatHoosier@reddit

Cut it up outside with a knife you don't mind throwing away & wear some gloves/ppe just in case

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asicarii@reddit

Put it in a iPhone box and seal it air tight somewhere away from your home.

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AlienLiszt@reddit

I was in a hotel in Bangkok and saw a sign forbidding guests from carrying durian in the elevator.

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Abystract-ism@reddit

Glitter bomb!

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TurbulentWinters@reddit

You have guns?

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Freshouttapatience@reddit

We don’t need to actually kill people over the socks and light bulbs we ordered.

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TurbulentWinters@reddit

Who said anything about out killing?

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Freshouttapatience@reddit

What are you planning on doing with a gun? Just brandishing it?

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Sunlit53@reddit

A box full of glitter and used cat litter. The pee smell will infiltrate the glitter and stick around with it.

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Mondai_May@reddit

Fleas or bedbugs in box

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Loriloo33@reddit

Wish I could give an award!!!

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imissthor@reddit

Or roaches.

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The_Arch_Heretic@reddit

😙👌

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simikoi@reddit

I saw a YouTube video of a booby trap FedEx box that explodes with feces as soon as it's opened.

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Freshouttapatience@reddit

My luck, they’d open it on my porch.

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Optimal-Prime420@reddit

Disgusting. Probably works wonders though.

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Emotional_Sir_3416@reddit

Pull a mighty ducks and lay some crap in a purse

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PrivatePorkchop@reddit (OP)

For context: mid 20s, he comes through on a bike, and unabashedly thinks this whole situation is funny when I confronted him yesterday.

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CommandProtocol@reddit

Detect. Identify. Get his grandmas SSN. Don’t just get his grandmas social, get his grandma in laws social. Then, you get a VPN. Download Tor Browser.

When them CCs arrive you gone wanna benz , don’t Get a gift card, that’s how you soend

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punkwalrus@reddit

Down the road, someone took some ring camera footage of a porch pirate who, upon fleeing, tripped on his doorstep and bashed her chin on the pavement. I am no expert, but I think she shattered her jaw (or claims she did). She's suing the homeowner. I am not sure how that's going to play out, but be careful out there.

The footage was pretty satisfying, though.

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spoonybard326@reddit

Box up a wasp nest.

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Nunov_DAbov@reddit

Get the wasps at night while they’re sleeping for a surprise the next day.

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Either-Cover-6667@reddit

Rig a package to explode dog shit on them as soon as they pick it up.

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Sekreid@reddit

Just wait till they are out of the car and stab a hole in the tire. Or spray paint porch pirate down each side.

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Toledojoe@reddit

Hornet's nest. Be sure to pop a quick H on the box.

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Dickrubin14094@reddit

As others have said, fill Amazon boxes with any assortment of random crap. If you want to go the extra step then buy a roll of paper-backed tape to seal the box. That stuff looks much closer to what Amazon uses.

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SalisburyWitch@reddit

Just save an Amazon box

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BlottomanTurk@reddit

Dog (or human) shit in a box, in a box, in a box, in a box, in a box, in a box, in a box...and the final outer box is packaging for an expensive tech product.

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SalisburyWitch@reddit

Cat shit

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MPeckerBitesU@reddit

For the car- $1 bill laying on top of a mouse trap in the glove box and middle console if you don’t often use them.

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Odd_Cryptographer941@reddit

Put an old electrical item in the box with a tub of Crickets that the lid isnt on properly and let them take it to their Vehicle. When they open it the crickets escape all over the car!

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GoodMilk_GoneBad@reddit

Collect pee in bottles then put them in a box without the lids on.

Doesn't have to be pee. Any stinky liquid or liquid that would stain will do.

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