ULPT: daughter is being harassed/followed by special needs kid
Posted by ManyPuzzleheaded7278@reddit | UnethicalLifeProTips | View on Reddit | 103 comments
My daughter is middle/high school. There was a boy on the spectrum whom she was nice to. Said hello, smiled, was decent to him, not looking to be friends. He became obsessed. Started following her in and out of school. Stands outside her classes, follows her to the bathroom. Stalks her outside of school. We contact the school. Have a few very difficult meetings. They try to keep him away from her, but he still follows her, and stares. Take the matter up with the police. They know what he does, tell her to record him and call them. Both school and police tell us that he is allowed to stare and follow her, as long as he does not interact. He still follows her and stares at her incessantly. She is seeing a therapist now because of the victim shaming and fear.Please Reddit help me, you are my only hope. How can I get this kid to leave my daughter alone?
Puzzled-Job9556@reddit
Find out what makes him uncomfortable and triggers his condition. Continually do that.
LoudAcid-@reddit
I was thinking the same thing. Figure out if he has certain fabrics or colours or patterns or noises that are sensory hell and use that as deterrent.
Or if he stands too close while staring, daughter can trip or get startled and spill a fragrant smoothie over this boy a few times until he learns to stay away.
Or a spray bottle with water mixed essential oils or any strong scents in there, and spray it at him any time He gets too close.
Pavlov this guy with overstimulation!
Puzzled-Job9556@reddit
Exactly this - if the parents and school aren't willing to do anything then you need to fight fire with fire.
JCBashBash@reddit
High powered flashlight, screamer alarms, anything that is no contact that can upset him to make Him uncomfortable. I would also be confronting his parents anywhere and Everywhere, see how they like being harassed.
gotchafaint@reddit
what a great idea, have to associate her with intolerable stimulation
TUBBEW2@reddit
Apparently telling a father to get his daughter a self defence item (p.spray) breaks rule 1, š if he doesn't know its socially indecent to chase a girl around the school.
How do we expect him to know better pls š¤ ?. Its just a precaution that makes the poor girl in therapy feel better and the dad no ?.
gotchafaint@reddit
Girls and womens safety are being thrown under the bus in deference to several populations that are given higher social value these days so this is not surprising
festivehedgehog@reddit
Hereās the UNETHICAL tip: Just having an obnoxious phone alarm go off at full volume or a personal alarm when heās nearby will startle him. having her book bag drenched in an obnoxious, heavily-scented body spray (Bath and Body Works, Ax, but change it up frequently, etc) could also help. She could also chew with her mouth open loudly whenever heās near and talk about how much she HATES something he loves. Why: Autistic people usually have heightened sensitivity to sensory input, and something thatās annoying to neurotypical people is usually much more annoying (even borderline unbearable). Also, autistic people usually have a special interest. Hating on oneās special interest is definitely a way to get on a shitlist. Looks like sheās a special interest right now. Time to get on the š© list!
Ethical tip: Do everything the person with the bulleted list said! Iām a teacher. Administrators really donāt want to do all of the extra paperwork and may have a vested interest in downplaying the severity of things and gaslighting you. The school is really failing your daughter and this other kid, whoās displaying really abusive behavior. You might also get an attorney first!
rmannyconda78@reddit
As an autistic person Iāll tell you we can be (not always) be easy to sensory overload, can even make some have a meltdown. Yeah this guy needs not stalk people.
More_Bigger@reddit
As a father of a special needs kid, im laughing to myself at how good this would work against my son.
The alarm noise itself would be enough to drive my little dude off.
TUBBEW2@reddit
Get a high power laser beam it in his eyes when the get's teary he will fear the next time.
festivehedgehog@reddit
Hereās the UNETHICAL tip: Just having an obnoxious phone alarm go off at full volume or a personal alarm when heās nearby will startle him. having her book bag drenched in an obnoxious, heavily-scented body spray (Bath and Body Works, Ax, but change it up frequently, etc) could also help. She could also chew with her mouth open loudly whenever heās near and talk about how much she HATES something he loves. Why: Autistic people usually have heightened sensitivity to sensory input, and something thatās annoying to neurotypical people is usually much more annoying (even borderline unbearable). Also, autistic people usually have a special interest. Hating on oneās special interest is definitely a way to get on a shitlist. Looks like sheās a special interest right now. Time to get on the š© list!
Ethical tip: Do everything the person with the bulleted list said! Iām a teacher. Administrators really donāt want to do all of the extra paperwork and may have a vested interest in downplaying the severity of things and gaslighting you. The school is really failing your daughter and this other kid, whoās displaying really abusive behavior. You might also get an attorney first!
West-Sound405@reddit
seconding what the user with the numeric list said, BUT donāt engage with cops again without guidance from an attorney - you want an lawyer involved here on out. if the powers that be are doing nothing for your girl, you have to go for the parentās wallets for this emotional distress heās putting ALL of you through. losing a solid chunk of money will hopefully inspire them to monitor their special needs son a little better.
Iād delete this and seek legal counsel asap. suing the family is probably the only way this will stop
Careful_crafted@reddit
This is horrific advice. The school is failing BOTH students
CosmicFelineFoliage@reddit
No, they are failing one and enabling another. Itās not the same thing at all. They are failing to keep one child SAFE, not two.
Workman44@reddit
Well first all, no ones safety is being impacted here, that's histrionic. Secondly, the kid is not technically doing anything wrong, legally or by school's rules, so I'm not sure how exactly they are failing? Fact of the matter is she can get over it tbh
Beyarboo@reddit
Really? Because boys between 11-14 NEVER commit SA, right? Bullsh*t. He is obsessed with her at a time when his hormones are increasing, and no one is apparently stopping him from focusing on her. She is absolutely at risk from him.
Workman44@reddit
So we should take away his bodily autonomy for something that isn't illegal? This is just a weird argument tbh. If he isn't doing anything illegal/against the rules, then no action should be levied against him
viperfan7@reddit
Why is it horrific?
Alarming_Image_882@reddit
I just wanna say, OP, I'm so sorry. One of my daughter's went through this kind of crap in middle school. Harassment from boys, it was horrible! I had to get the cops involved after one of them threatened to SA her! Jesus! I put my other girl into a private girl's school after this experience. Her sister is out of college and still in therapy....
tatasz@reddit
His condition explains his behaviour, but it does not remove your daughters fear and discomfort. She still has the right to safety, and the school and the police still have the duty to protect her.
khessur@reddit
using specific key phrases like this is 100% the way to go. they can get in trouble for ignoring complaints that are worded like that.
Freakwilly@reddit
Isn't this really LPT's? I mean it's structured, it's not unethical.
fractiouscatburglar@reddit
Toss a piss disc under the principleās door?
YouArentReallyThere@reddit
The Boston Public School System found out that students had the same civil rights as adults when it came to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness when a young girl was bullied and humiliated back in the 90s. I think it cost them some millions of dollars in the end. Itās still oft overlooked today because āā¦theyāre just kids.ā
Prior-Task1498@reddit
And if the police don't do shit after that, you need to escalate it further into unethical territory.
burnthatbridgewhen@reddit
They can also make a title IX complaint with the school
Careful_crafted@reddit
They can also put a 'one on one' paraprofessional with the special needs student to help correct his behavior. His parents should be fighting for this just as strongly as you, upto and including updating his IEP or 504.
ozzy_thedog@reddit
Itās crazy that hasnāt been done already.
West-Sound405@reddit
^ this, but donāt bother with cops again without guidance from an attorney - you want an lawyer involved here on out. if the powers that be are doing nothing for your girl, you have to go for the parentās wallets for this emotional distress heās putting ALL of you through. losing a solid chunk of money will hopefully inspire them to monitor their special needs son a little better.
Iād delete this and seek legal counsel asap. suing the family is probably the only way this will stop
BantamCats@reddit
What kind of dowry are his parents offering?
ajb5476@reddit
Do you happen to live in a small Michigan town?
ajb5476@reddit
If so, please message me.
Venarius@reddit
High powered pocket flashlight. No contact. Its not illegal for him to stare, but its not illegal for her to shine a flashlight either. Maybe a bothersome light will make him decide to look elsewhere. Stay away from strobes, you dont want to draw extra attention or cause epilepsy issues.
Workman44@reddit
Pretty sure intentionally shining a bright light in someone's eyes is illegal btw
sheketsilencio@reddit
Is this a tiktok thing to end every sentence in "btw"? It's bizarre
Workman44@reddit
Don't know, don't use tiktok
TUBBEW2@reddit
What of stalking a girl and staring at her for long periods then ?.
Workman44@reddit
Legal?
Key-Candle8141@reddit
Wouldnt a laser pointer be more unethical?
sofapanorama@reddit
And indeed harmful ā¦
gotchafaint@reddit
doesn't have to be laser, the modern high powered led flashlights are painful
ozzy_thedog@reddit
I had some dickhead in traffic shining his laser onto my dashboard. I strobed him with my work light. He sure was not happy
TinTheElvenKing@reddit
Hit up your local newspaper. Don't name names (especially of the disabled kid), but tell them your kid is being stalked and harassed and the school (which you should name) is refusing to do anything because the perpetrating kid is special needs.
SubBass49Tees@reddit
I had a student years ago who befriended an autistic boy. He got VERY clingy. One day when they were hanging out, he choked her to death and hid her body in an abandoned building.
Take this seriously, please. Don't get pushed around.
TUBBEW2@reddit
Wtf, may their soul Rip.
Thats what am saying the girl should be going around with something to protect herself in case, op since she talked to you it must be serious and she's in therapy poor girl.
Man get that poor soul something that she can protect herself with as a precaution and tell her to avoid places with less eyes, op this is your responsibility don't let her down.
ObviouslyAnAsshole@reddit
I would be pulling her out of that school since all levels of authority has failed.
chuckaholic@reddit
I have this little IMALENT flashlight that would be perfect. The strobe mode is insanely bright, and it weighs almost nothing. That and a 140db whistle could have him avoiding her within a day. Whatever you do, don't call the cops. This kid is going to have a hard enough life as it is without a criminal record. Worst case, they might kill him.
Ooga78@reddit
Someone at the school (social worker) should also be working with him to address this behavior. This is a life skill and people are more 'tolerant' when they are young. He needs to be explicitly taught and told. I have worked with ASD students regarding this very behavior. Just because he has a disability doesn't excuse the behavior. I wonder were his parents stand on this. So no protip, but I would hope the school is also addressing it explicitly with him or his parents address it.
chuckaholic@reddit
I work at a SPED school. It's private, and has really good instructor/student ratios. Here, there would be a staff member distracting him, or just keeping him away, but public schools have shit funding for SPED. Like 1/20 or worse. One teacher left here to go to public and she's completely overwhelmed, all day, every day. They don't have staff hours to keep him at a distance between every class. OP is going to have to improvise. I actually like the noisemaker or strobe light idea. I mean, I don't like it.. I think it could work. These kids take longer to learn, but they aren't immune from classical conditioning.
triscuit79@reddit
Change schools if you can. You shouldn't have to , but this isn't a situation to dig your heels in. If they won't help you, help yourself.
jueidu@reddit
She should start doing exactly the same thing to someone else who is not special needs, and when she gets in trouble, use the double standard against the school.
TUBBEW2@reddit
Op, your daughter should start walking with pepper spray just incase. If his willing to do this in public what will he do when he has more opportunities ?.
Totes-1@reddit
Have your husband meet with this kids parents. They will get the message that every daughter has parents, particularly, a father. Make the message clear.
dougielou@reddit
I just want to say how sorry I am for your daughter going through this. Iāve been victim to this multiple times in my life but not to the extent of your daughters harasser but still. In school and college and to be honest I didnāt really receive help from the school in either cases. Thereās also an air of judgement and victim shaming that admins tend to hold over you. Itās also so deeply uncomfortable and unfortunately has made me feel extremely cautious around men/boys with intellectual disabilities.
Serpentarrius@reddit
Same. They said I was overreacting
fidelesetaudax@reddit
Have you talked to the parents? You can file your own court complaint for harassment if the police refuse. Just make sure you have documentation.
chuckaholic@reddit
Whatever you do, don't call the cops. This kid is going to have a hard enough life as it is without a criminal record. Worst case, they might kill him.
stdaem@reddit
Pay another girl to say hi, be nice, etc. to the kid. Gotta throw a new obsession in front of him so he forgets your kid.
Key-Candle8141@reddit
Or pay a large boy to say hi with a solid whack upside the head so he forgets your kid
ozzy_thedog@reddit
Also not a bad idea. āYou better leave her alone, or you can deal with meā
smoke52@reddit
thinking along the same lines this kid might want her as a GF so thats why the obsession. If the daughter gets a BF, fake (pay someone) or real (pays you), the kid might start forgetting about her because shes "taken"
minecon1776@reddit
I was about to comment about how unethical that is and I remembered which subreddit I'm in
DogToursWTHBorders@reddit
Now THAT....might actually work.
bionicallyironic@reddit
Tell her to get weird with him. He tries to talk to her? Have her turn and make the noise from Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Pretend to be a robot and just repeat āDoes not computeā till he leaves. If he wonāt leave or thinks itās cool, start shouting āDanger! Danger!ā Till he gets the hint.
minecon1776@reddit
This will probably just not work
CraftyMacaron5712@reddit
Probably not how described, but it's made me think, if he does have certain sensory sensitivities, she could use them to her advantage.
It's really common for autists not to be able to tolerate things like loud chewing noises for example. If someone was regularly making a noise that seems ok to society, but hits a sensory nerve for me, I would do anything possible to avoid them.
Princess_Zelda_Fitzg@reddit
I donāt know why but Iām now imagining her making dolphin sounds at him every time he gets close and I am crying š
purringsporran@reddit
Oh my god, I just wanted to say that thank you for being there for your daughter. I was hounded by a local special needs man in my teens, for almost four years. Whenever I asked for help, I was always shut down: "he's a harmless person, why are you afraid of him?" Because... He was scary. Therapy helped me, but it's still one the worst memories of my life. It's great that your daughter can count on you.
sewingmomma@reddit
Fine a tooth IX complaint asap.
dmbchic@reddit
Be kind. Forever. Special needs children do not understand. As a teenager i did the same with some, i was uncomfortable but some of the only humans who would acknowledge their existence. I dont believe he means anything other than feeling sincere connection to someone do you? Is he assault her physically and aggressively? She can explain to him she is only going to say hi but he cant/shouldn't follow her. I have a special needs child. It is heartbreaking to know how desperate these kids are for connection but the whole of society looks the other way. Leave him alone, he means no harm, and truthfully probably doesnt understand that he makes her uncomfortable. It would be great if our special needs kids understood but they do not. The world could do to have more compassion and understanding. Im sure ill get eviscerated for this response but its reality. Im glad she was kind to him. Thats rare for them to experience. Best advice is have her truly think what life must be like in his shoes. Where no one acknowledges, speaks to, likes, understands, or interacts with him even though he is surrounded by people. Empathy may heal the entire aituation.
tatasz@reddit
The world need to have more compassion and understanding for the girl who is getting life long trauma as we speak.
Special needs children can and must be taught to live in society, which includes no stalking.
ManyPuzzleheaded7278@reddit (OP)
Thank you!
RxTaksi@reddit
Why do you assume the special needs kid will do better with therapy than your daughter could?
It sounds like she demonstrated more empathy than she's comfortable maintaining. She can learn to dial that back in the future, or how to lean in when it gets hard. That will prevent scenarios where people mistake her for an ally.
gl0ssyy@reddit
what the hell is this response
deltadeltadawn@reddit
Sounds like victim blaming.
dmbchic@reddit
Said by someone who has never had a special needs child who are in therapy from the moment theyre born. This thread is insane.Ā
tatasz@reddit
I am special needs myself, thank you.
dmbchic@reddit
Not a right. Just have an ounce of understanding that obviously this kid doesnt realize his impact? Some patience as he learns to manage his life at a much slower rate than everyone else? Why is that hard to understand? Many special needs kids dont understand social norms. This is so obvious.
minecon1776@reddit
He will never learn. Our society does not care about the special needs person, until they do something bad like this. Yes he should be held accountable, but he will never be helped through this. Nobody cares about him except when he does something bad, so he will keep doing bad things because it's the only way he can get attention that he knows how to do.
ChefTorte@reddit
Agreed. The outliers need to fit to the norms. Not the other way around.
Disabilities are not excuses for potentially harmful (in the future) behavior.
This is also a failure of the parents and education system. Their jobs are to help the one with disability accommodate to the system. To teschbehatvsi acceptable. Even if the disabled one doesn't understand "why".
scarlettcrush@reddit
And the lesson that the kind girl has learned is, never be nice to neurodivergent people because it is lawful for them to mistreat & abuse. Literally setting up a lifetime of hate for autistic people. Is that, what you were talking about here?
dmbchic@reddit
No we said special needs. And the world used to have compassion for people that cant even dress themselves, speak, or function like an average human due to whatever special needs they have and we all understood and helped people like this. Now normal humans are victims for having to interact with special needs people? Give me a break thats whats evil.
NecroVelcro@reddit
Harassment is not mere "interaction". Your dismissal of the intrusion and fear that she is suffering is grotesque.
Dailia-@reddit
I believe (I am sure you do too) all people, including the disabled, deserve to be held to the same standards.Ā
The student following her isnāt acting socially appropriate. This is not how you treat others who have asked to be alone.Ā
Bratchan@reddit
Daughter to be blunt. Say loud and stern. You are STALKING ME. People don't like that. You staring at me makes you creepy. Haver her be like STOP FOLLOWING me every time he does. . GIve her power to fight this herself. Tell her to make sure she pulls out her phoen and bluntly tell him im recording and putting this up on social media! Make sure she is liek HERE IS MY STALKER. He might not be grasping what he is doing what is wrong.. So being Blunt can help. Also calling out the actions when they are happening.
Get your daughter mace or one of the cat brace knuckles.. something she can have at school. She needs to feel empowered.
Tell the school that you are going to go to the news because they allow this beahvaior. Doesn't matter if they are on the spectrum or not. They are allowing unhealth behavior and behavior that can lead to worse ones down the line. Thta they are not considerig the safty of BOTH students. Make them sound like the bad ones in all of this.
This is also on the other parents they should be invoved at this. They are failing at teaching their child boundaries. They should also should be talking with you and the school about their child! They are doing a disservce to their son. This could lead to their son getting hurt later on in life.
Electronic_Fix_9060@reddit
Telling the school they are going to the news is an empty threat that is not taken seriously. Similar with āIām going to sue you!ā Ā
West-Ingenuity-2874@reddit
Go to the news. Seriously, contact all of the local news stations, radio, TV, paper, tell everybody about how shitty the school is being. This will be solved immediately if you make a public stink about it
Quantity-Used@reddit
Am I missing something? Where are his parents?! Why havenāt discussions with the school included them?
january21st@reddit
If weāre talking unethicalā¦.Get her a track phone/prepaid cellphone. Have stalker get number to said phone but not directly (no proof he had permission to have number) use the incessant calls/voicemails/text messages as evidence for harassment and stalking.
Teach-@reddit
I would definitely put a sock on her. That way, if he tries to grab her, all he gets is sock.
Raid__Zero@reddit
put a piss disk in his backpack.
ManyPuzzleheaded7278@reddit (OP)
Whatās a piss disk?
furculture@reddit
https://www.reddit.com/r/pettyrevenge/comments/gmpbtw/the_piss_frisbee_enjoy_your_wet_socks/
minecon1776@reddit
Oh sweet summer child...
furculture@reddit
DogToursWTHBorders@reddit
I'm jealous of the Rabbit hole adventure you'll find if you should choose to jump.
Responsible_Pie905@reddit
If I were you and if you can afford it change schools. It would be worth it
lguts80@reddit
I work in this field. Sounds like a boundary issue that hasn't been explained correctly to this poor boy. Unfortunately children and adults with neurodivergent issues have trouble understanding what makes others uncomfortable . I would advocate that this child needs a "one on one" to help him through the day and to explain in a way he understands that this is not ok. Im sure he would be very embarrassed to find out hes made "his friend" uncomfortable
Dailia-@reddit
OP, this is socially inappropriate behaviour on the part of the boy. He deserves to be held to high standards and expectations, like everyone else. This isnāt how we treat another student who has asked you to leave them alone.Ā
He is not allowed to follow and stare. That is not acceptable behaviour. Intent and impact is the case here. Try a new local police contact. They should speak directly to the boy. Itās not him in any legal trouble, but he deserves to know the outcomes of this inappropriate behaviour. Autistic or not, other women will escalate this issue in the future and he could land in serious trouble. He will in fact if this isnāt remedied.Ā
This is bullying/harassment regardless of the intent. If you document the behaviour, tell the school you will go to the board, superintendent, or the media with it. That scares the shit out of us.Ā
Tell the school you will be reaching out to the boyās family if you havenāt. Them becoming aware of the school not helping him is a problem as well.Ā
It is on the school and community law enforcement to keep your daughter safe in this case. The autistic boy is also likely uncomfortable with his own behaviour. Heās been told not to do it and he doesnāt necessarily understand your daughterās body language. And the need to constantly be near your daughter likely comes with some misaligned stimulation.Ā
The school likely doesnāt have the resources to constantly watch the male student. But they should be. Another student feels harassed. That is not a safe learning environment for her. A huge deal! A lawsuit sized big deal.Ā
Keep making a lot of noise about it. Not only would you be helping your daughter, youād be helping the boy navigate the world with the information he needs. If he werenāt autistic they would not have allowed this behaviour. Thatās not fair to him.Ā
Post on the schoolās social media page. A rogue post with a complaint may help other parents see if this is happening to their child. Girls can, boys too, be afraid to report. *Please donāt post photos or names of both children.Ā
This has happened at the HS I work at with an autistic student. He was segregated to a part of the school(large part) for lunch/recess until he could manage his behaviours. With support of course.Ā
It is gross of the school and law enforcement not to help either student/child.Ā
OrcishDelight@reddit
Tell her to become terrifying. Every time a man, despite his needs, creeps me tf out and refuses to accept NO, I become a menace. Ugly faces, screwed up gait, I do what I can to become a monster. Ugly smells, I've hocked loogies in front of one, chew with my mouh open. Order fart spray so he has to smell poop when he approaches. I can become a nightmare so fast...
gl0ssyy@reddit
where are his parents? you should be speaking with them directly.
DVsKat@reddit
I would look for a local women's organization, honestly maybe even a sexual assault organization or something, because they would be familiar with dealing with stalkers, even those who have autism. Maybe they would have some tips because of their experience