16 Years of being an expat in Australia and I don't think I can take it anymore.
Posted by kimtaehwa@reddit | expats | View on Reddit | 41 comments
Idk where or who else to talk to about this so I'll just post it here.
I'm a 33 year old guy that came to Perth from Indonesia. I was here when I was 17 to start my university degree and am currently working in a very mediocre job. The sole reason I am still here is money, and even that is not great when looking at the median salary (plus I don't get yearly increase for whatever reason).
Since about 3 years ago, when I was having my holiday back to visit my parents in Indonesia, something snapped in me I think that tells me to go back to Indonesia. I just have this uneasy feeling ever since that tells me I am 'done' here. However, seeing how much lower Indonesia's income is compared to AUS, I resumed working here. I was hoping that something would happen that would signal me to go back to Indonesia (e.g., me getting fired). This waiting game turned out to be a bad idea as I am still here and just hating my life.
For probably the past 2 years I basically have been living my life like a bitter SOB. I started hating everything. I am very unproductive at work, I got angry really quick and even snap at my parents and sister whenever we converse. I get very impatient when I'm driving. I essentially had nothing to live for in my day to day life. Weekends/weekdays they meant nothing. I eventually even got lazy with my gym, everything just got a lot of worse and I hate myself a lot. Whenever I went to sleep I did not want to wake up, and I start having self-harming thoughts. I was also very lonely.
I tried to make friends here, by the way, but this place has to be one of the unfriendliest places on earth. I did have a lot of international friends when I was in uni, but most if not all of them went over east or went back to their country. I joined various local clubs (board gaming, volunteering, badminton) and made some friends, but these friends never felt like actual close friends. From what I notice, people in Australia are extremely individualistic by culture, and there is very little sense of togetherness compared to the people in Indonesia. Everything here feels very surface level because no one ever wants to open up. My closest friend literally tells me that she does not want to be near me when I just got back from my holidays from Indonesia as I was homesick and she does not want to know or deal with it. I was super disappointed to hear stuff like that, but it's not uncommon with the people I met here. They only want to be around you when you are fun and jolly, and want nothing to do with you when you're feeling down. I had a friend with terminal cancer here (she passed away, unfortunately), who told me that she would actually get ghosted by her friends after telling them about her condition. She said she wanted to cry when she saw my response, as I was basically trying to ask her about her condition and actually freaking cared for her. I don't know what is wrong with people here.
I just came back here to Perth a week ago from my annual holiday to Indonesia, and I was crying a lot because I do not want to be here. I had such a good time every time I went back home for holidays. The people are nice, and I made probably more friends back home within my 1 month holiday than I have been in my last 5 years of staying in Perth. I understand that this might just be the 'expat' and holiday effect that I'm experiencing (people will make time to see you when youre never around). But I just feel so much more connection to the people back home. I feel like I belong and not alone. I just feel like I'm actually alive.
I have finally set a hard deadline on myself. 1 more year here, and I will be gone. I will try getting more money for another year, and I will just go home no matter what. I will review this 6 months in and see if I will want to still continue. I'll try applying for jobs back home from here to see if I'd get anything. I will probably go home after 1 year even if I don't have a job lined up because I cannot stand it anymore. I can feel myself becoming a bitter zombie here. I'm scared of what will happen but I think it's probably for the best of me, it feels like a leap of faith for me. I keep asking myself if it's even worth it for another year, since I can just come back now.
vixenlion@reddit
Money isn’t everything.
Go back to Indonesia with your parents
Apprehensive-Ad-6053@reddit
Go home dude. Making friends in other countries is difficult, particularly as you get older. And if you have turned into an angry SOB as you mentioned, that's not going to help your cause. Don't blame the culture. It would be the same in Indo for an outsider. It's 2 different worlds.
Accepting a lower salary for a healthier mental state is a good trade-off in my opinion. Sounds like money isn't buying you happiness at the moment. If it all falls apart and you're not happy at home you could always go back or try somewhere new. Perhaps it's not where you're living also, maybe there's something else driving these feelings you're feeling. A break at home might give you some clarity and new direction in life.
SeanBourne@reddit
Australia is a TOUGH place to be as an expat… and that’s coming from a guy who is a) from adjacent cultures (Canada/US), and enjoys solitude.
If nothing else the sheer distance from home just weighs on you a few years in…. I can’t even imagine after 16 years. (I’m not unlikely to leave in the next couple of years - and I’ll have done half of that).
You’re doing the right thing by setting yourself a target deadline and (re-evaluating midstream) - no amount of money is feeling like “you don’t want to wake up”. I do think you should get a therapist (work will usually have some kind of employee assistance program that will pay for at least a few sessions to start with) in the meantime, as you shouldn’t have to just deal with it on your own.
Separately, if you feel that money is the sole issue keeping you in Australia, make a list of all the material costs you’d have in Indonesia, and come up with a ‘target amount’ you are looking to save. Make that target amount your ‘cap’ for your time in Australia (e.g. leave before that if you need for mental health reasons, but don’t stay any longer than that, as what would be the point of ‘more money’ if you already have everything you need.
If you want a bit of extra security, buy a basket of diversified dividend stocks and coupon paying bonds with that ‘target amount’. Never touch the principal, re-invest any extra from the dividends and coupons, and with your Indonesian salary, you should be quite well set over there and not even miss the higher Australian salaries.
winery_bound_expat@reddit
that "something snapped" feeling really resonates. i've been planning a move out of the US for a while now and i keep catching myself waiting for some kind of external permission to actually do it — a job change, a sign, whatever. reading your post is honestly a good reminder that the signal was already there and i just needed to stop ignoring it. hope you make the call soon, it sounds like you already know what the right one is
Africano_90@reddit
Sometimes there is nothing wrong with hitting the pause button and heading back home for a bit. It sounds like you need a bit of a reset. If you have PR or citizenship you have nothing to lose, especially if you are so unhappy in Aus. Save up some money, make sure to keep enough to by a flight back to Aus if you mind ever changes, and head back home.
Australia does have a very individualistic culture—I hear you there. While it is an amazing place to be, it can also be a very lonely place. I think all immigrants to this country feel this. I love Australia but I always think of home and what it would be like to be back there (I’m South African, been is Aus for about 10 years). I love it here but nothing feels like home.
Give yourself a break. Go home and be with family. Find out what you want from life. There is no wrong answer here, your happiness HAS to be part of the equation
I wish you all the best, look after yourself 🙏🏼
WhiteSnowYelloSun@reddit
Do you have an option to move to another part of Australia?
THExIMPLIKATION@reddit
I went through something very similar. I was born in New Orleans, but my family is from Nicaragua. We moved back to Nicaragua when I was 10, because my grandfather was getting older and my dad took over the cattle ranches. I went back to Louisiana when I was 20 for college and then work. In 2016 I lost everything in a flood and began to really think about going home. It was always just an idea, but I couldn't shake it. Once that idea was in my head though I began to dislike everything more and more. It got to the point where I was like you, just bitter and miserable, I set a firm date to move back to Nicaragua and when the date came, I moved. It's been a little over 3 years now and I do not regret a thing. I do miss The weed I was getting though in the US, but other than that I don't miss anything.
TicketPossible7808@reddit
Mate an idea is to get yourself into FIFO work. Lots of guys do different rosters and fly back and forth from south east Asia. Works best with a 2 week on two week off roster but do able with other rosters. Best of both worlds, just food for thought.
Fortemuito@reddit
Do you think Australia being so car dependent makes it harder to make friends and be social?
kimtaehwa@reddit (OP)
Cant speak for everyone but not really imo. In the circle of friends that I had, we dont mind driving our firends back and to wherever we are meeting up. These kind of things are also quite negotiable if you have a bigger group (hey can you drop this guy? oh sure Ill drop him because he's nearer to my house, etc). I mean as long as youre not living extremely far away it shouldn't be a problem. And people do take the bus here sometimes.
Quiet_Falcon2622@reddit
Nothing is more important than your physical and mental health. If that means going home, go home. Don’t wait a year to do it.
ChristineCrazyFord@reddit
Not really - I am Australian but in my experience these attitudes are big city centric. Rural areas which are even more car dependent aren’t like this.
Brave_Worldliness685@reddit
Can you find work online/remote and move back to indo? Sounds like the income is your only driver to remain there. Perth (& Australia) is horrid for making friends. Tall poppy syndrome, you’ll never be able to achieve a true sense of friendship. All those clicky friendship groups you see around you? Fake as hell. Half are sleeping with their best friends spouses.. seen it a lot.
I was SO much happier and felt included in the norther hemisphere, and I’m Aussie. I have given up on friendships in OZ and enjoy my own company. No time for watching nonsense unravel anyway, I can watch MAFS for a dose of what Australian “comradely” looks like.
zyine@reddit
I can't help but wonder if things would be different for you if you had a romantic partner or spouse.
Future_Literature335@reddit
Dude ... i would just go home now. For real. You are not happy and your reasons are legit for being so. Australia is tough in all the ways you mentioned and Perth is FUCKING HARD (my sister lives there; I have been there many times). People are surface level friendly but like you said it's hard to go deeper. Most people seem to just stay friends with their mates from high school and that's kind of ... it? I dunno. It's hard. I get it.
You sound like you already know it's time to leave. If it was me I would not wait another year. Just go home. Go where the happy is.
Plenty_Suspect_3446@reddit
I'd say NZ is similar.
The difference is Australians are friendly, but not polite.
Kiwis are polite, but not friendly.
But both countries are culturally insular and people are cliquey.
Both__@reddit
Listen to your body. Listen to your spirit. It’s high time you made your return home. 🏝️
woahtheremate_@reddit
I feel the exact same way. I’m in london. Have been here 26 years. It’s been nice in many ways and it’s a big city.. but I’ve felt like escaping for years as I’ve felt suffocated by similar. I have felt like I’m in internal prison many times not having REAL community. And people wanting to be around you ONLY when you are happy and doing well and can give them something. I don’t have anywhere to go to.. as inn estranged from family.. so the underlying feeling of isolation or lack of connection has a separate dimension for me…
I would say this - and I could be wrong - you sound extremely depressed. Even if momentarily. There are neural pathways and there is neuroscience that explains a lot of what you are describing emotionally. Arguably philosophy does too. So it makes so much sense.
You sound like you are living in an extremely “non human” and abnormal reality.
And your soul knows exactly what IS human, exactly what it needs and exactly how it will heal. And this is the silver lining I see in this - that you never lost your humanity or your soul. So much so you could give humanity to that lady that was dying.
WHO you are is (very clearly) Greater than WHERE you are.
Maybe the time you spent is not bad. You are going through the grieving stages. And that is human too and even this is deeply human and part of the process. Grieving what you imagined would be best and economically is best.
Grieving what you missed the whole time you have been there.
Grieving who you became.
Grieving having to go back knowing it’s best but knowing there will be economic problems you will need to solve. In many ways there is excitement in figuring it out. But it’s easy for someone external to say.
But I understand because I’m currently grieving leaving a room I’ve rented despite it being the worse thing because of the landlord abuse. And how much it’s made me feel lonely and exhausted and a lot of the fund’s you said. Though it’s an objectively beautiful place.
There is a lot to process. Multiple layers of grief. Lots of overwhelm. Lots of change.
Give yourself GRACE. Remember you are human. Try to refuse what environments like this force people like you to become.
I feel like an inhumanity or a sense of dehumanisation forces us and results in us to turn on ourselves. There’s nowhere for all this grief to go. That is why your soul is crying out for the normalcy of community.
I once heard stories about prisoners of war who died of loneliness and lack of community. To be a nerd for a moment — The World Health Organization (WHO) Commission on Social Connection released a global report revealing that 1 in 6 people worldwide is affected by loneliness, with significant impacts on health and well-being. Loneliness is linked to an estimated 100 deaths every hour - more than 871 000 deaths annually. Strong social connections can lead to better health and longer life, the report says.
When you have a society that exists unnaturally, vacuously and non communally - or someone who comes from the opposite and lives in that community - the effects are devastating.
Please give yourself grace. Please allow yourself to be human. Please allow yourself to grieve and process. Writing here is part of it.
I hope you gather the energy to move sooner rather than later. But if you don’t, when you do - I wish your soul the healing it deserves.
Side hack - in the meantime there are vitamins etc that can help the associated pathways. Omega 3 (1000mg), vitamin d although you’re likely getting it in the sunshine, St John’s Wort, 5HTP etc — all of which act as “natural anti depressants”. Maybe do an allergy and blood test also to see what you’re lacking in vitamin wise. This may not solve it all but our biology is also intrinsically linked so you may as well.
Please give yourself grace. Interrupt the self hate thoughts and remind yourself - hey man how you’re living isn’t normal so I get why you’re angry and despondent. Those moments are life changing in ways I can’t give word to.
I wish you well.
I’m here. We are here. Reddit is here.
Big love ❤️
Anj_Ja@reddit
Great info 👏 sorry to hear you're lonely in London. I'm a brit in Australia having a bit of a rough time. With all this fuel nonsense, I wouldn't be surprised if we all realise things were better in community, and many of us choose or are forced back into a simpler way of life. I've relocated multiple times and now realise the incredible difference that community makes.
Plenty_Suspect_3446@reddit
There is no shame in going home.
OpeningElectrical296@reddit
Maybe shame will come from OP’s family?
Plenty_Suspect_3446@reddit
It sounds like OP has a reasonably good relationship with his family.
OutrageousRegret1641@reddit
This. It doesn't matter if the job money is good if its costing you your mental health. You are still young. If you go back home now that doesn't mean you can't relocate and try a new place later. Wishing you peace.
U03clh9@reddit
My Scottish friend just moved out there. If you want a contact?
dallyan@reddit
I say go home BUT… go home with a plan. A Plan A and a Plan B. Meaning, have some sketches of an idea of what you can do there. If you just go with no plan you may find yourself frustrated when you also feel some depression there (the whole “wherever you go there you are” thing). I think if you have smtg to work towards there you’ll be happier. But don’t torture yourself staying in a place that makes you suicidal. Not everything in life is money.
Hereandforward@reddit
I have spent over 30 years in a state where I don't fit in culturally or politically for a job and state pension system. I have made many friends but my heart and soul have never been at ease. I have experienced many of the same feelings that you have during this time- anger, resentment, lack of motivation and productivity. I retire next year and can't wait to move and heal.
woahtheremate_@reddit
god I feel this feeling right now.. I’ve been in this place for 26 years and fought with everything in me to get citizenship. I was homeless, destitute and suffered a lot. It’s also a big city. And the people are the same as described. I’m currently at rock bottom. Homeless and I feel like my life is a daze. I have wanted with everything in me to just get up and go somewhere and heal. But it’s not as easy as that with an estranged family and little money.
Healing was the word that stood out to me from what you said.. that and echoing it and echoing what he said pulled together..
I got so desperate I stumbled upon this thing called astrocartography and apparently it tells you where you’d thrive the most. It’s a whirlwind of a thing to understand. I’ve got no idea how it works but it’s at least comforting me to imagine some of the bodes or whatever it is they say is best for me.
I wish you healing. I really hope we find it.
I’m exhausted living like this…
Be well ❤️
AwkwardRent5758@reddit
Once, I was just few years younger than you. I was living in a very famous city in Europe and I had a gf from Rio de Janeiro, pure Carioca girl. Amazing woman. One day she said: next week I'm going home and never back. I jumped, forget our relationship which was still light and not to be considered serious, how could she do that? I said, but you have job here, you have friends, you have half of your family moved here, you have good money, you are pursuing your dream how can you just dump all this? And she replied: people here don't smile, I'd better be poor and smiling than living in a country we're people work work work and don't smile. If you are happy back home don't worry my friend, you have degree, speak good English, I'm sure have some savings then go back and make a life back home. Maybe you want be rich but you'll be smiling. The rest is not important.
HeatWhisper-@reddit
it sounds like you’ve been through a lot good for you for setting that deadline sometimes you just need to take the leap back to where you feel more at home.
Foreign-Dependent-12@reddit
How about try a different part of Australia before you do decide to leave.
YellowBook@reddit
Indonesia is beautiful and paradise for some people, speaking from the other side of the world, it sounds a no brainer to go back home. Living abroad can be hard for many reasons, but if it’s mainly a financial reason to be there and the financial reason isn’t materialising and your social and home life is hard, then you can fix most of that by going home (even temporarily, if needed, to restore your vitality). At the very least, you can reconnect with old friends and family and maybe providence has something in store that you can’t visualise just yet.
Cojemos@reddit
Is it just a Perth thing vs Melbourne?
Substantial_Ebb_316@reddit
You’ll be happier at home home. No amount of money can compare to that.
Kiwiatx@reddit
You don’t have to justify moving anywhere. Maybe you feel you are letting your family down or something but you’re letting yourself down if you do t give yourself the chance to be happy. You’ve given it a really good shot, time to move on.
retrosenescent@reddit
You spent a very long time in Australia (16 years!) and have no obligation to stay if you don't want to
It sounds like your main complaint is loneliness, which is fixable. If you had a great friend group, would you still want to leave?
pencilbride2B@reddit
I think you should just go home, would you be able to return to Australia if you wanted? You been thinking about it so long that you should honestly go home and see how you feel. Are you able to go back to Indonesia for 2 months? Maybe going home for a long trip will give you a better idea.
StoneOfTwilight@reddit
If you are unhappy here then go home? I don't mean that in a rude sense but it seems you've given it a good try and you've had enough?
bebok77@reddit
That's a long time. Been there ( Perth and expat),
I'm european and i had exactly the same experience than you in 2015. I did just stay 3 years and when I had to make a choice, i left. I had a few compatriotes that i met and we had the same experience than you.
I'm familiar with Indonesia and it's culture so i see also where you are coming from.
Money is not all and if your life is miserable, just move. There is no shame in it. Opportunities always come by.
ponpiriri@reddit
Your sign to go back home was the feeling you had years ago. You didn't need permission or have someone force your hand.
Creative_Height5159@reddit
How about Indonesian friends bro/sis? Aren't there many Indos in Perth?
kimtaehwa@reddit (OP)
I had a group of Indonesian friends around 10 years ago, but they all left to go back to Indo.
These Indonesian communities are in churches usually. I did try to go to a church hearing / bible study thing but just got a bit weirded out by how they were praying to me and stuff when I just got in there.